Have You every known

[Scarlett]

An unmarried mother/father who have some sort of combine living arrangement …for the child…and if so does it work?

[Scarlett]

I don’t think that was clear. Let’s say the mom and dad are not together. 

Edited October 2, 2023 by Scarlett

[Annie G]

When my brother and his ex wife divorced, their son was 3.  My nephew stayed in the family home and the parents switched off every week. Brother took the guest room as his, and she took the master. They did that for a little more than a year.  A few weeks into the arrangement they put locks on their bedroom doors to keep each other from going thru their stuff. Then they started fighting over who left dishes unwashed or ate whose groceries.  
It was probably about as good for my nephew as a traditional arrangement, given his parents are not nice people and didn’t put him first.  

[Scarlett]

How about separate houses on the same property. Sharing custody. 

Edited October 2, 2023 by Scarlett

[Rosie_0801]

I knew a divorced couple who lived back to back, with a gate in their shared fence. The kids were teens though.

[freesia]

If I recall, @Laura Corin ‘s parents had a shared house arrangement she’s mentioned before. 

[Melissa Louise]

Yes, my friend's partner cohabited with his son's mother till the son turned 18 - he was not in a relationship with the mother. 

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Melissa Louise said:

Yes, my friend's partner cohabited with his son's mother till the son turned 18 - he was not in a relationship with the mother. 

Was your friend in a relationship with him during that time?

[Scarlett]

I saw this video the other day and I can’t find it now….but a woman was saying that her xh and his wife asked her to come live in a detached apartment on their property so they could all co parent easier.  

[historically accurate]

8 hours ago, Scarlett said:

An unmarried mother/father who have some sort of combine living arrangement …for the child…and if so does it work?

My great aunt lived across the street from her ex, with whom she had four children. I believe they divorced in the 60s when the kids were pretty little. I don't know most of the details, but they lived across the street from each other for decades. In fact, when he was diagnosed with dementia, she took care of him since the children had mostly scattered. 

I only met her twice prior to her death in the 2000s, so I don't know how well it worked, but if it worked well enough for 20+ years, something must've worked. 

[Melissa Louise]

25 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Was your friend in a relationship with him during that time?

Yes, but the parents were separated. 

[Faith-manor]

Yes, my niece, caveat they are legally married.But the principles would work for an unmarried set of parents.

She and her husband are separated but not divorced because they wanted to work out an arrangement for their son that would have safe involvement and restrictions from the state. They bought a house that had a mother in law suite downstairs with a small but nice kitchen, big bedroom, living area, etc. and a lovely two bedroom, big kitchen, bath, dining upstairs, multiple entrances. Dad lives downstairs, mom lives upstairs, and their son goes between his parents at will. They each contribute 50% of the household expenses including repairs and maintenance. One parent has to travel a lot for work, so this works out great because that parent then has easy access and parenting time with child when home. They spend Valentine's Day, Easter, 4th if July, child's birthday, Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day together as a family, and plan those events together so that their son participates in family cooking and the festivities are not marred by having to go travel between parents. They have a policy of mutual respect of each other's private space and if they date. They will divorce when he graduates high school and leaves for college, able to make his own decisions about when and where to see his parents.

It is a very mature situation. They do it well, and are devoted to their child. But, these are two personalities for whom a shared personal life, being in each other's space and life all the time left them both depressed and struggling. They just were not compatible, but didn't figure that out until they had married, and because she was 36 and he was 40 when hitched, they chose to have a child right away so they didn't figure out how much they were not well suited for each other until there was a child. Little nephew is very well adjusted. He has been told over and over that they love him with all their hearts, he is the best thing that ever happened to them, and just because mommy and daddy have to have a lot of space from each other and are not like other married moms and dads, it doesn't mean they are not a family. They will always be a family. Both of them do genuinely care that the other person is healthy and content. They do not wish ill on the other, or defame each other.

Something like this requires the maturity on both parts to be willing to not hurt the other person in retribution for the relationship not working out. I think often times even if one party is willing, the other side is not.

Edited October 2, 2023 by Faith-manor

[Scarlett]

I have someone in my life that doing this but I would not say it is a success.  There is a lot of stress and restrictions on who can do what with the child.  In a way I think it has been a disservice to the child to paint this as normal.  

[Laura Corin]

9 hours ago, Scarlett said:

How about separate houses on the same property. Sharing custody. 

I spent around four years from age 11 in a house that was split into two living spaces. My father and his girlfriend - that relationship had split the marriage  - were in one. My mother and later her partner were in the other. At various times I lived with one or the other, but popped over to see the other parent when I wanted. 

Pro - I could see them a lot

Con - it kept all the vicious emotions between the adults on the boil. Looking after me turned into 'work' that was argued about within the house. Not nice. Things were much better when my dad moved ten minutes walk away.

 

[Scarlett]

30 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

I spent around four years from age 11 in a house that was split into two living spaces. My father and his girlfriend - that relationship had split the marriage  - were in one. My mother and later her partner were in the other. At various times I lived with one or the other, but popped over to see the other parent when I wanted. 

Pro - I could see them a lot

Con - it kept all the vicious emotions between the adults on the boil. Looking after me turned into 'work' that was argued about within the house. Not nice. Things were much better when my dad moved ten minutes walk away.

 

I cannot even imagine attempting that with The Other Woman involved. Shudder.

The situation I am familiar with has rocked on decently until the last few years. One parent has checked out but still causes a lot of tension…. By either not being there properly or by micro managing what the other parent does with the child.

[marbel]

I have been acquainted with a family in this situation. Parents have been separated for years while living in the same house. They continued to live together due to costs and one child's autism. I can't say it has been good, at least for the other child, who has some mental health issues - which of course may not have been caused/exacerbated by the living situation, but certainly can't have been helped by it.  But apparently there is a lot of anger/animosity present in the home.  Or was, we have been out of touch for a while now. 

[Spryte]

I don’t know if this is what you mean, but long ago, the kid staying in the same house while parents alternated had a name — family nest or something. When my parents divorced, that’s what they did at first. I think they alternated every week or two. I came to hate it with a passion. I was a teen, and it did not work for me, for so many reasons. I asked them if we could stop that arrangement. My memory of that time period is fuzzy, but I do recall that much. 

There aren’t any perfect answers, I’m sure.

 

[Heartstrings]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

How about separate houses on the same property. Sharing custody. 

I follow a couple on TikTok with this arrangement.  They own a farm with lots of land, Mom lived next door to the main house in an RV for a while then built a house across a field from Dad. Now each parent has a new partner and all of them have family dinners once a week.  Technically each parent has 1 week on, 1 week off but the kids can see either parent whenever they want.   They talk a lot about how they are trying to show a new model for divorce where the marriage has ended but the "family" remains intact for the kids.  It definitely shows a lot of maturity on both of their parts to make it work.  

[klmama]

I know some people who divorced, sold the family home, and bought two duplexes on the same block.  They each had the kids 50% of the time. I know the kids didn't like having to go back and forth, but they appreciated that their other home was so close when they needed to pick up something they'd left there or if they wanted to talk to the other parent.

[wisdomandtreasures]

My parents divorced in 1997 but lived together in separate rooms until 2005. Then they remarried each other again in 2011!

[Megbo]

My sister, her two sons, and the boys' father live in two two-bedroom condos in the same four-unit building. The boys were about 5 & 8 when they moved in, so they shared a bedroom in each unit and split their time evenly between the parents. Now that they're teenagers, they've each taken over one bedroom and only share when one parent is away. Both kids still see both parents nearly every day (Mom drives the boys to school, Dad picks them up and takes them to after school activities, etc.) and it seems to be working pretty well for them. 

[itsheresomewhere]

Yes.  They live in a duplex and the child could go back and forth.  It worked out well for them.  They even made family dinner time once a week so they could all be on the same page.  Even when one got a new spouse, it worked out well.  

[dsmith]

My sister continued living with her ex for a few years. He moved to a room in the basement. They did this partially for their daughter, partially for saving money. They had a very amicable divorce. She even spends time with him and his girlfriend and his family for various family events, tailgating at their daughter's college, etc. They even all went to Disney together. (His family, the girlfriend, my sister, their daughter and him.)

[Scarlett]

I can appreciate the value of living very near to each other. My sister’s first husband moved into my sister’s neighborhood and at first she was irritated but it really did make every one’s life easier. 
 

I can also see the need for married then divorced couples to live together until the finances can be worked out.

 

The situation I know about involves two people who dated briefly but were not even ‘together’ by the time the child was born. They live on property and in two houses owned by one party.  They have no desire to be together romantically but they very very much operate like a family……and I think it causes real confusion to the child.  To the point the child feels one parent has betrayed the other by having an outside romantic interest.  I told the  one parent I am close to that it might be better to live separately and have their own time with the child.  
 

It just seems very unhealthy to me for all of them.

[EKS]

Yes, my friend and her ex lived together with the child they had together as well as my friend's boyfriend and the child my friend and the boyfriend had together (12 years younger than the first).  

This worked because the reason my friend and her ex got divorced wasn't because they no longer loved each other or weren't getting along or had grown apart or anything like that.  They still were and are truly friends.  I think that their situation is probably quite unusual.

[Ting Tang]

No, but I knew a divorced couple a long time ago who both remarried, and they would all spend holidays together under the same roof.  It seemed to work out great for them.  I think that takes a lot of maturity and a certain set of circumstances.  

[katilac]

My nephew has a stepdaughter, and her bio (& involved) dad lives down the street. He moved for that purpose - he was never very far away, but this eliminates having specific drop-off times and allows her to come and go as she pleases. 

That's a good arrangement for people who get along and co-parent well, that or separate apartments in the same building. 

I think sharing any more space than that can be difficult, and get tougher as the kids get older and the parents gain new romantic interests. 

8 hours ago, Heartstrings said:

 They own a farm with lots of land, Mom lived next door to the main house in an RV for a while then built a house across a field from Dad.  

So how does it work, equity-wise, if she built the house and pays the expenses for it, but he owns the land? If she's not building equity in a house that she can later sell, it seems like she's going to be really stuck there at some point, or losing a lot of money. 

 

[Heartstrings]

24 minutes ago, katilac said:

So how does it work, equity-wise, if she built the house and pays the expenses for it, but he owns the land? If she's not building equity in a house that she can later sell, it seems like she's going to be really stuck there at some point, or losing a lot of money. 

My understanding is that it’s her land, from her family.  Off hand I don’t remember if I ever caught a video on how they split things as far as the houses go.  My guess is that she deeded him a parcel and he’ll sell it later if he wants to, either back to her or in general. Now I’m curious though, I’m going to go to see if they ever explained it and I just missed it.  

[Melissa Louise]

10 hours ago, marbel said:

I have been acquainted with a family in this situation. Parents have been separated for years while living in the same house. They continued to live together due to costs and one child's autism. I can't say it has been good, at least for the other child, who has some mental health issues - which of course may not have been caused/exacerbated by the living situation, but certainly can't have been helped by it.  But apparently there is a lot of anger/animosity present in the home.  Or was, we have been out of touch for a while now. 

This was my experience in the last few years of two of my kids and their friends living here. 

I don't bother with self recrimination, because if there had been viable options, I'd have taken them. 

 

 

[Ginevra]

6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I can appreciate the value of living very near to each other. My sister’s first husband moved into my sister’s neighborhood and at first she was irritated but it really did make every one’s life easier. 
 

I can also see the need for married then divorced couples to live together until the finances can be worked out.

 

The situation I know about involves two people who dated briefly but were not even ‘together’ by the time the child was born. They live on property and in two houses owned by one party.  They have no desire to be together romantically but they very very much operate like a family……and I think it causes real confusion to the child.  To the point the child feels one parent has betrayed the other by having an outside romantic interest.  I told the  one parent I am close to that it might be better to live separately and have their own time with the child.  
 

It just seems very unhealthy to me for all of them.

I think some of this depends on the age and personality of the child, though. I don’t think it has to be an unhealthy dynamic, though for sure it requires maturity and a good communication style with the child. If, for example, nobody ever explained anything but left the kid to guess at why their family is how it is, then yes, I see that as unhealthy. But it wouldn’t be an automatic no for me and I have idealized it a few times, at least in my head. Some partners have a strong independent streak and I must admit, there is some appeal to the thought of having my turf to myself. 

[Janeway]

I did, but it did not work out. That was mostly because one parent made messes and left them for the other to clean it up.

[Megbo]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I can appreciate the value of living very near to each other. My sister’s first husband moved into my sister’s neighborhood and at first she was irritated but it really did make every one’s life easier. 
 

I can also see the need for married then divorced couples to live together until the finances can be worked out.

 

The situation I know about involves two people who dated briefly but were not even ‘together’ by the time the child was born. They live on property and in two houses owned by one party.  They have no desire to be together romantically but they very very much operate like a family……and I think it causes real confusion to the child.  To the point the child feels one parent has betrayed the other by having an outside romantic interest.  I told the  one parent I am close to that it might be better to live separately and have their own time with the child.  
 

It just seems very unhealthy to me for all of them.

 

14 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I have someone in my life that doing this but I would not say it is a success.  There is a lot of stress and restrictions on who can do what with the child.  In a way I think it has been a disservice to the child to paint this as normal.  

 

13 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I cannot even imagine attempting that with The Other Woman involved. Shudder.

The situation I am familiar with has rocked on decently until the last few years. One parent has checked out but still causes a lot of tension…. By either not being there properly or by micro managing what the other parent does with the child.

Are you talking about the same family in these posts? I don't think there's anything unhealthy about two parents living on the same property and raising their child together. The unhealthy parts would be parents micromanaging each other, one parent not being present, etc. which can happen in any type of family living situation. I also don't think it's particularly uncommon for a child to be upset and even feel like one parent is betraying the other by dating someone new. 

[HS Mom in NC]

My cousin and her ex have lived in the same house for several years because rural Maine is a mess, they're underemployed, and childcare is both expensive and scarce. They'll part ways as soon as it's a possibility.

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, Megbo said:

 

 

Are you talking about the same family in these posts? I don't think there's anything unhealthy about two parents living on the same property and raising their child together. The unhealthy parts would be parents micromanaging each other, one parent not being present, etc. which can happen in any type of family living situation. I also don't think it's particularly uncommon for a child to be upset and even feel like one parent is betraying the other by dating someone new. 

Yes it is the same father, mother, child.  
 

I disagree with your last sentence in this case.  They have never been together in her entire life. They are not married , and they aren’t a couple.  So if one of them wants to date it is not betrayal.  

Edited October 3, 2023 by Scarlett

[lmrich]

Don't think this  will  count...  a student  of mine (and dd's  friend), dad lived in the basement and mom  upstairs. The catch is  they did not tell their daugther they were  divorced (and they were divorced before they moved into the house which is in the mom's name). They told her it worked better for their work schedules. Mom traveled   internationally often, and  dad  was usually  gone on weekends... not  sure  where. 

It was not healthy. 

[Heartstrings]

13 hours ago, katilac said:

So how does it work, equity-wise, if she built the house and pays the expenses for it, but he owns the land? If she's not building equity in a house that she can later sell, it seems like she's going to be really stuck there at some point, or losing a lot of money. 

I did go back to look at old videos.   There is 10 acres total and the husband has 1 of those acres solely in his name.  It’s an acre that is up front nearest to the road to make it easier to sell later if need be. So it seems like they put some thought into both setting each other up well and to being close for the kids.  

[Megbo]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Yes it is the same father, mother, child.  
 

I disagree with your last sentence in this case.  They have never been together in her entire life. They are not married , and they aren’t a couple.  So if one of them wants to date it is not betrayal.  

Oh, I definitely agree that it is not betrayal. I just think it's common for children to feel this way when one parent has a new partner and the other parent is still single, so I wouldn't assume it has anything to do with this family's living situation.