Update Plot twist——Sitting here stunned

[ktgrok]

3 hours ago, Corraleno said:

I did. I got three kits for $49 each, and uploaded the data to a medical site for an extra $20. The kits from 23&Me that include the expanded medical info are currently $199, but I don't think those were even available back when I did it.

Also, some people may be interested in ethnic background (what percentages of DNA came from which countries) without having any interest in finding relatives, and with no expectation that there were dark secrets lurking in their family tree. Most of the advertising for these kits is about finding out that you're X% Irish and Y% Swedish and Z% Italian, they are definitely not advertising "buy this kit to discover that a close relative committed adultery/got raped/had a secret teenage pregnancy." 

Right, but at least with the one I use you can do the ancestry part and NOT do the finding relatives part. If you choose to do the finding relatives part, i don't think you then get to be mad at other people if you find relatives. 

2 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Weird question. How do you know that she’s aware of the test or the database? It’s possible someone could have either done the whole thing without her knowing (probably not likely though, kind of hard to pull off). It’s also possible that someone else did the paperwork piece for her and she has no idea that this info is available to everyone. I do all of my dh’s paperwork and all of my son’s paperwork, and while ask them some questions, there are occasions when I just fill out a form, put it in front of them, tell them what it is and they sign it. Someone could have put a form in front of them and said - “This is the form that goes with your DNA test.”

I don’t think making that decision would be easy for me unless I needed medical info, then I might just request that with the initial contact. 

I mean, you have to spit into a container - a lot of spit - if I remember right. Not sure how you would collect a vial of another person's saliva without their knowledge? The opting in to finding relatives is done on the website, so someone I suppose could set up the website with the wrong settings, but then be mad at that person, not the relative that contacts you when you are opted in to finding relatives AND opted in to having them be able to contact you. 

[Corraleno]

49 minutes ago, Katy said:

Except you have to opt in, through several warnings that when I did this with 23&me were quite explicit. You may find out information you may not want to know. I don’t remember if the three warnings I clicked through specifically said “You may find out about adoption, adultery, and family secrets” but it definitely included short descriptions of other people finding that. 

I don't remember anything remotely like that when I signed up with Ancestry, and I'm positive there was never anything about discovering "adoption, adultery or family secrets." I know you can change privacy settings, but you have to click through a couple of menus to get to those, just like on FB. My impression is that the default is public and you need to opt out by changing settings if you want to be private. 

ETA: In Ancestry, in order for your account to not be visible to other people, you need to go through the following steps: click your username in the top menu; click Account Settings; click DNA; click your name; click DNA Matches; click Off.

Edited February 15, 2023 by Corraleno

[LaughingCat]

From my experience, just signing up for Ancestry doesn't give you all the warnings -- it is doing the DNA testing that gives you the warnings.

BTW, those of you bemoaning the horrific idea of adoptees finding their birth mothers and ruining their lives do realize that a lot of birth mothers search too, right?   Are they ruining the adoptees life?  If you believe it is ok one way and not the other -- then IMO you need to sit down and consider that thought a lot more carefully. 

This type of searching (both adoption and people trying to figure out if their parents are actually their parents) has been going on for many, many years --it is not new at all, it is just made somewhat easier with DNA testing (and now includes people who didn't realize they should be searching)

note: my birth mother found me pre-DNA testing & post Texas changing their laws to allow adoption agencies to share more information with both sides (back in 1990's)

[Corraleno]

27 minutes ago, TechWife said:

Weird question. How do you know that she’s aware of the test or the database? It’s possible someone could have either done the whole thing without her knowing (probably not likely though, kind of hard to pull off). It’s also possible that someone else did the paperwork piece for her and she has no idea that this info is available to everyone. I do all of my dh’s paperwork and all of my son’s paperwork, and while ask them some questions, there are occasions when I just fill out a form, put it in front of them, tell them what it is and they sign it. Someone could have put a form in front of them and said - “This is the form that goes with your DNA test.”

It's very common for one person to manage multiple accounts, and in that case I believe any contact goes through the designated Account Manager, but I'm not 100% positive on that. I am the manager of my kids' accounts, and even though they are now adults I don't think anyone can contact them other than going through me.

So although it's not really possible to not know that a kit was done (because you have to spit in a tube), it's definitely possible for someone to have an Ancestry account and have no real clue what it involves and have not opted into or out of anything because the account manager made those decisions for you. That was one of the things that made me very uncomfortable when I was contacted by the woman who had used sperm donation — she had set up the account for her son and admitted that he did not know she was contacting me. 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Corraleno

[KSera]

2 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

BTW, those of you bemoaning the horrific idea of adoptees finding their birth mothers and ruining their lives do realize that a lot of birth mothers search too, right?   Are they ruining the adoptees life?  If you believe it is ok one way and not the other -- then IMO you need to sit down and consider that thought a lot more carefully

I don't think this is a fair characterization of any of the concerns that have been raised. I don't find the idea of either adoptees finding birth mothers or birth mothers finding the child they placed negative in any way. I brought up the scenario of a sexual assault in the context of a birth mom who does not respond well to being contacted. That is a scenario for some people and is one that might explain some birth moms not wanting contact. I think it's legitimate to wonder what this technology means for those women and for future women in that position. Doesn't mean other people won't have positive outcomes from their searches. I don't know where the suggestion that some people think it's okay one direction but not the other comes from. I haven't seen that in this thread.

[Scarlett]

My sister and I FaceTime’d with our niece.  She is super excited to know us. Huge plot twist.  Her mom sent in her dna and her husbands dna…..and attached her name to her husbands dna.  We don’t have another sister after all.  We have a brother.  He was adopted.  He was born in January of 1963 before I was born and before he married my sisters mom. 

Slightly overwhelmed but happy there won’t be any family drama in this discovery.

[maize]

Wow Scarlett!

I'm glad you had a nice chat with your niece, and how exciting to have a brother! And no major drama it sounds like.

[Spryte]

How cool! I hope you have a good time getting to know brother and niece, if everyone is comfortable with that.

And so glad the drama isn’t quite so high.

[Heartstrings]

Reading along, I’m wondering what right “we” (in a societal sense) have to information about our parentage.    It seems to be the majority sentiment here that adults should have privacy, but what information does the child produced from that deserve once they reach adulthood.   Do I (general) have a right to know if I was adopted? If I was raised by a man not my biological father but with my bio mother?  What if I was born of rape, should I know that?  What if my father raped a woman or women but not my mother? If he’s a pedo?  What if my parents had affairs or an open marriage but it didn’t result in *my* birth.  
 

Does the bio mother hold all the cards on information in perpetuity and I only have a right to what she chooses to disclose? Not just as a 6 year old, but as a 36 or 46 year old.  
 

I will say my own life involves scenarios with secrets such as these, so I suppose I have a vested interest in the idea that a person deserves some amount of information.  Where is the line?

[Corraleno]

That sounds like the best possible outcome — no affair involved, no drama, everyone happy with the new connection! Does he know who his birthmom was? It sounds like she was someone your father was involved with in between your mom and your sister's mom? Or was this before both of your moms? (I'm confused about the timeline.)

Edited February 15, 2023 by Corraleno

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

That sounds like the best possible outcome — no affair involved, no drama, everyone happy with the new connection! Does he know who his birthmom was? It sounds like she was someone your father was involved with in between your mom and your sister's mom?

He does know his birth mom….met her once.  She died a year ago. 
 

This brother was born in Jan 63. I was born June of 65.  My sister December of 68.,so I am no longer the oldest.  

[TexasProud]

Glad it worked out.

[Scarlett]

When his daughter realized it was her dad and not her mom’s dna…..she immediately sent us a pic of him.  It was like a gut punch.  

[shawthorne44]

I skimmed all the way through the kerfuffle because I really wanted to know how this turned out.  
I am so glad at the update!   

Relevant factoid.  12% of the time the daddy really isn't.  Number is consistent across race, income, etc.   

[shawthorne44]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

When his daughter realized it was her dad and not her mom’s dna…..she immediately sent us a pic of him.  It was like a gut punch.  

Now you have to tell us why.
I wonder why the mom put her name in?  

[Scarlett]

17 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

Now you have to tell us why.
I wonder why the mom put her name in?  

Our niece did not have an answer to that.  Her mom put her name….say ‘shirly12345’  on our brothers DNA and ‘ShirleyJones’  on her own DNA. Our brothers wife was they one setting it all up. We have a cousin who put his mom’s Name on his.  It is so annoying.  

Edited February 15, 2023 by Scarlett

[Scarlett]

It was just like I thought….they all got dna test kits for Christmas…..I guess the main reason was because our brother was adopted AND our niece’s husband is adopted. 

[maize]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

It was just like I thought….they all got dna test kits for Christmas…..I guess the main reason was because our brother was adopted AND our niece’s husband is adopted. 

Since it sounds like they were looking for his birth dad it must have been a happy surprise to find close family on that side right away--and a bonus that you were so open to connecting. Most adoptees have a much more difficult search, and some find only rejection at the end of it.

[Lecka]

The mom might be reusing passwords that go together with a login, that she already has from other accounts. 
 

I don’t think it makes sense but I know people who do it, who have this written on a piece of paper and don’t know what goes with what, so they will say “try ShirleyJones.  Try shirley12345.”  
 

I don’t know if I’m explaining this clearly, but I know people who do this, and they don’t see why you would keep track of your login and password for each individual account.  (Or they just don’t keep up with it, or lost that piece of paper.)  They keep track of a login and password they have created at some point, and try to reuse it, without keeping track.  

 

Wow, this is so exciting!!!!!!!!

[Scarlett]

She probably just thought since she was the one handling the account why not use her name? 🤦🏻‍♀️ 🤷🏻‍♀️ 

[Lawyer&Mom]

1 hour ago, Lecka said:

The mom might be reusing passwords that go together with a login, that she already has from other accounts. 
 

I don’t think it makes sense but I know people who do it, who have this written on a piece of paper and don’t know what goes with what, so they will say “try ShirleyJones.  Try shirley12345.”  
 

I don’t know if I’m explaining this clearly, but I know people who do this, and they don’t see why you would keep track of your login and password for each individual account.  (Or they just don’t keep up with it, or lost that piece of paper.)  They keep track of a login and password they have created at some point, and try to reuse it, without keeping track.  

 

Wow, this is so exciting!!!!!!!!

You don’t need a separate login for each DNA submission.  You just need a name, and it can be anything.  You can submit your DNA as Daffy Duck if you want. (This of course works better if you only do the medical testing.  If you agree to the relative matching your real identity is  very likely to be revealed.)  

[Scarlett]

13 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

You don’t need a separate login for each DNA submission.  You just need a name, and it can be anything.  You can submit your DNA as Daffy Duck if you want. (This of course works better if you only do the medical testing.  If you agree to the relative matching your real identity is  very likely to be revealed.)  

It is true you can use any user name you want to show up on your DNA to the people who match you. If you do not want to be identified, you won’t be.

[Spy Car]

I wonder if I'm the only one driven to watching old Partridge Family videos?

I was sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream
Like all at once I wake up from something that keeps knocking at my brain
Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head
And spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread
I think I love you (I think I love you)

Congratulations to your newly found brother, Scarlett.

Bill

[Lady Florida.]

21 hours ago, Lecka said:

I am just not reading tone in the same way as some people.  I use “lol” as a softening thing, about something that’s awkward.  I don’t use it to mean “ha ha ha.”  I don’t read it as dismissive or mean-spirited.  

But I am learning lately some of “my” things I type, don’t come across the same way to others. 

 

I'm a bit late replying to this but you were actually looking at lol "correctly" and Scarlett was using it in its current form. Lol has evolved and rarely actually means laughing out loud anymore. It is in fact, a softening thing. 

 

“These days, I’d argue that LOL (commonly without caps) barely indicates an internal, silent chuckle, never mind an uproarious, audible guffaw,” wrote Gretchen McCulloch, the linguist and author of Because Internet: Understanding the New Rules of Language, on LOL’s 25th anniversary. 

 

"We use lol as a way of downplaying a statement; adding irony, levity, humility, empathy, or commiseration; expressing amusement; or just neutral acknowledgment. No longer simply an internet acronym that’s entered the mainstream, lol is an example of how language evolves over time, adheres to new grammatical rules, and creates community around the people that use it."

 

https://www.vice.com/en/article/akvqgk/why-we-use-lol-so-much

 

 

 

17 hours ago, maize said:

Ethnicity estimates aren't a super exact science, but they get better every year. It doesn't take many generations though for particular ethnicity markers to wash out. If you had a German immigrant ancestor say four generations back you might have 6% German DNA, but maybe an even smaller percentage of identifiable regional markers.

 

Yes. Ancestry periodically sends me updated information from my DNA test as they improve their way of estimating ethnicity. Also, when I took the test Ancestry made sure I knew that I might not have inherited all the DNA markers from my ancestors and therefore their test might not show all the ethnicities in my background.

 

11 hours ago, Scarlett said:

My sister and I FaceTime’d with our niece.  She is super excited to know us. Huge plot twist.  Her mom sent in her dna and her husbands dna…..and attached her name to her husbands dna.  We don’t have another sister after all.  We have a brother.  He was adopted.  He was born in January of 1963 before I was born and before he married my sisters mom. 

Slightly overwhelmed but happy there won’t be any family drama in this discovery.

 

Great news! You might not be the oldest anymore but now you have a big brother! I'm glad this is all working out.

[cintinative]

10 hours ago, Heartstrings said:

   Do I (general) have a right to know if I was adopted?

I think the answer to this is always yes, if for no other reason than because we now understand the science of attachment better, and there can be long term impacts that the child/adult do not really understand.  For example, my mom was in an orphanage until she was 18 months old.  We did not find this out until about six years ago. But now that I have read up on these things, it has helped me understand some of my mom's struggles so much better. Those first years are formative. 

Also, my mom was not told she was adopted until she was 22. Her parents way of dealing with questions about how babies come about, where she was born, etc. was to evade all questions. You may guess that this had a profound impact on my mom's perception of sexuality and a lot of other things.  

 

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Lady Florida. said:

 

I'm a bit late replying to this but you were actually looking at lol "correctly" and Scarlett was using it in its current form. Lol has evolved and rarely actually means laughing out loud anymore. It is in fact, a softening thing. 

 

“These days, I’d argue that LOL (commonly without caps) barely indicates an internal, silent chuckle, never mind an uproarious, audible guffaw,” wrote Gretchen McCulloch, the linguist and author of Because Internet: Understanding the New Rules of Language, on LOL’s 25th anniversary. 

 

"We use lol as a way of downplaying a statement; adding irony, levity, humility, empathy, or commiseration; expressing amusement; or just neutral acknowledgment. No longer simply an internet acronym that’s entered the mainstream, lol is an example of how language evolves over time, adheres to new grammatical rules, and creates community around the people that use it."

 

https://www.vice.com/en/article/akvqgk/why-we-use-lol-so-much

 

 

 

 

Yes. Ancestry periodically sends me updated information from my DNA test as they improve their way of estimating ethnicity. Also, when I took the test Ancestry made sure I knew that I might not have inherited all the DNA markers from my ancestors and therefore their test might not show all the ethnicities in my background.

 

 

Great news! You might not be the oldest anymore but now you have a big brother! I'm glad this is all working out.

Thank you for that explanation of my lol! That is exactly how I was using it but I was having trouble explaining that to outraged people. 
 

[Scarlett]

Our brother’s wife reached out to both of us and said she will talk to her husband and one of them will contact us this afternoon. 

[kbutton]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

When his daughter realized it was her dad and not her mom’s dna…..she immediately sent us a pic of him.  It was like a gut punch.  

Because he looks like your dad? Or you and your sister? I am hoping it was a good gut punch.

[fairfarmhand]

I have a story about this that I may have shared before.

My grandmother, my mother's mother, had a child out of wedlock when very young. She was in nursing school and there was this doctor....

Anyway, she graduated, worked in a TB hospital and had the child. She was living with her mother. Not long afterward, she herself came down with TB and was in a sanitarium for about 3 years. 

When she was healthy, she went back to her hometown. Of course, the baby was big now and didn't know her. My great grandmother, who was something of a battleax, according to family lore, talked my grandmother in to giving the little boy to her to raise and nobody ever said a word about it. It was a secret from all.

My grandmother moved to another city and lived a wonderful life. She traveled and nursed, I have lovely black and white photos of the young woman she was. Then as she neared age 40, she met my grandfather. It was about this time that the young man learned of his parentage. He was devastated. He spoke to my grandmother, and she asked him to keep the secret. She really wanted to marry my grandfather and was worried that a son from the past showing up would wreck it.

The young man kept the secret and went on to school to become an acclaimed children's psychologist. He said one reason he wanted to enter that field was because of how things fell out in his bio family. 

My grandmother married my granddad and they had a child at the age of 41! My mother. Who never knew of her half brother until she was grown and married and probably almost 30 years old. She knew of her "uncle" but didn't know he was more than an uncle.

I didn't hear of the story until I was 18. I was close to my grandmother and she was a lovely, godly woman. Which didn't change my opinion at all when I learned of her secret. 

In fact, I found it encouraging. She had a wonderful life and so did her son. Nothing was ruined by her youthful mistake. I know for a fact that there were hard things about the paths that were chosen and a lot of hurt along the way. But they all managed to have good lives in spite of all of it.

My uncle kept in touch with me until his death, even after my mother passed. He seemed so lonely after his adoptive parents and siblings all died. He really yearned for the family connection and I was so glad to share with him the love that we both had for my grandmother and my mother. It was wonderful to be able to remember with someone who knew them both when they were young. 

I know now that people grow and change. People make youthful mistakes and learn from them. This doesn't make them liars. Sometimes things are too painful to talk about and sometimes they just feel like that's in the past, I really don't want to have to explain things, because I don't know what I was thinking in the past either! But keeping things all covered up doesn't really matter much. Stuff has a way of coming out most of the time. My grandmother was still a lovely Godly lady and I think no less of her after learning about her family secret. 

[Scarlett]

20 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Because he looks like your dad? Or you and your sister? I am hoping it was a good gut punch.

Like our dad. We just weren’t expecting it. 

[LaughingCat]

13 hours ago, KSera said:

I don't think this is a fair characterization of any of the concerns that have been raised. I don't find the idea of either adoptees finding birth mothers or birth mothers finding the child they placed negative in any way. I brought up the scenario of a sexual assault in the context of a birth mom who does not respond well to being contacted. That is a scenario for some people and is one that might explain some birth moms not wanting contact. I think it's legitimate to wonder what this technology means for those women and for future women in that position. Doesn't mean other people won't have positive outcomes from their searches. I don't know where the suggestion that some people think it's okay one direction but not the other comes from. I haven't seen that in this thread.

I did not read the concerns on this thread the way you are stating them here.  The concerns I saw on this thread about sexual assault (and other negative possibilities) very clearly implied that the search should not happen at all because of these possibilities and the possibility that the birth mother would not want to be found. 

Heck, multiple people stated that Scarlett was overstepping boundaries by reaching out to someone who had put both their DNA and contact info out on Ancestry to be found by anyone on Ancestry -- saying that Scarlett should assume that person had made a mistake and actually did not want contact!

My personal experience and my family member's (adopted siblings and their children) experience has been that everyone involved has bent over backward to be considerate of feelings -- but I know that is not always the case (and agree it should be).

[vonfirmath]

That's a twist I didn't even think about!

(submitting DNA and putting a different name on it than the person who took it)  Which means even information you think you know may not be true

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by vonfirmath

[ktgrok]

So...did anyone else log in to the DNA site they have used and double check for relatives after reading this thread? Just me? (still only surprise is the cousin I mentioned before)

[BronzeTurtle]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Thank you for that explanation of my lol! That is exactly how I was using it but I was having trouble explaining that to outraged people. 
 

fwiw, I did take the lol in exactly the way she described, found it unsettling, but never felt outrage towards you and I'm sincerely glad things are turning out well with the results.

[BronzeTurtle]

3 hours ago, LaughingCat said:

Heck, multiple people stated that Scarlett was overstepping boundaries by reaching out to someone who had put both their DNA and contact info out on Ancestry to be found by anyone on Ancestry -- saying that Scarlett should assume that person had made a mistake and actually did not want contact!

My end of the conversation was based entirely on a question that someone else asked about getting screenshots in case the person in question freaked out, decided they did make a mistake, and went private or deleted their info. None of it was out of the blue telling Scarlett or anyone they shouldn't use the site as intended.

It was a hypothetical situation that someone else brought up and I'm glad that's all it was.

[ChickaDeeDeeDee]

First- Congratulations, and I'm glad to hear there weren't devastating surprises.  

But, how in the world is a DNA test confusing as to whether new sibling is a sister or brother!  I mean...  they have the DNA

 

[KSera]

12 minutes ago, ChickaDeeDeeDee said:

First- Congratulations, and I'm glad to hear there weren't devastating surprises.  

But, how in the world is a DNA test confusing as to whether new sibling is a sister or brother!  I mean...  they have the DNA

 

Lol, you win the prize. You’re right, that doesn’t add up whatsoever. 

[maize]

1 hour ago, ChickaDeeDeeDee said:

First- Congratulations, and I'm glad to hear there weren't devastating surprises.  

But, how in the world is a DNA test confusing as to whether new sibling is a sister or brother!  I mean...  they have the DNA

 

I think ancestry.com analyses autosomal DNA only, the x and y chromosomes aren't included. Scarlett was just going off the name attached to the profile.

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, maize said:

I think ancestry.com analyses autosomal DNA only, the x and y chromosomes aren't included. Scarlett was just going off the name attached to the profile.

Right.  You just see how much of a match you are.   You aren’t I informed if the  DNA is male or female.  The profile is whatever you make it.  

[KSera]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Right.  You just see how much of a match you are.   You aren’t I informed if the  DNA is male or female.  The profile is whatever you make it.  

I’m confused. On the screenshot it said half sister.

[KSera]

42 minutes ago, maize said:

I think ancestry.com analyses autosomal DNA only, the x and y chromosomes aren't included. Scarlett was just going off the name attached to the profile.

I was curious and looked it up, and it said they do look at chromosome 23 on Ancestry.com. There’s a fair amount of discussion about it from transgender people trying to figure out how this affects them. 

eta: and now I'm seeing answers both ways, so I have no idea which way is correct.

Edited February 16, 2023 by KSera

[Scarlett]

24 minutes ago, KSera said:

I’m confused. On the screenshot it said half sister.

That is my known half sister. 

[Scarlett]

51 minutes ago, KSera said:

I was curious and looked it up, and it said they do look at chromosome 23 on Ancestry.com. There’s a fair amount of discussion about it from transgender people trying to figure out how this affects them. 

eta: and now I'm seeing answers both ways, so I have no idea which way is correct.

I am not sure how it works  now either.  I know if you don’t put a pic up it defaults to a male pic or female pic.  But our brother had a profile pic up so it did not indicate the person was male or female.  
 

Edited to add other than the profile pic there is nothing to indicate whether the person is male or female. I manage a lot of tests and I can see on settings what sex they are and it can be changed.  Pretty sure it is part of what you add when you set up the account.

Edited February 16, 2023 by Scarlett

[KSera]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

But our brother had a profile pic up so it did not indicate the person was male or female.  

Yeah, I was reading that is a fix for transgender people who don't want their sex indicated by their profile pic. Some suggested they could even upload the appropriate version of the default male/female profile indicator as their profile picture to get the opposite one on there.

[ChickaDeeDeeDee]

12 hours ago, maize said:

I think ancestry.com analyses autosomal DNA only, the x and y chromosomes aren't included. Scarlett was just going off the name attached to the profile.

 

I was reacting because the screenshot Scarlett posted said half sister, but that's been clarified. I only have personal experience with 23andme which does assign sex based on DNA and they did predict relationships when we did it years ago  (don't know if it still does).    

Just looked it up, you're right about the atDNA.  I didn't think they just did autosomal and it turns out they did do y and mt in the past: https://www.dataminingdna.com/does-ancestry-test-y-dna-or-mitochondrial-dna/#Ancestry_Winds_Down_Y-DNA_tests_and_mtDNA_Tests  

I don't want to detract from Scarlett's exciting news so hopefully this little tangent doesn't do that.  

Thanks for clarifying that screen shot Scarlett,  I hope that you and your brother are able to develop a nice relationship and that you're meaningful additions to each other's lives.   

[DawnM]

On 2/14/2023 at 11:51 PM, Scarlett said:

My sister and I FaceTime’d with our niece.  She is super excited to know us. Huge plot twist.  Her mom sent in her dna and her husbands dna…..and attached her name to her husbands dna.  We don’t have another sister after all.  We have a brother.  He was adopted.  He was born in January of 1963 before I was born and before he married my sisters mom. 

Slightly overwhelmed but happy there won’t be any family drama in this discovery.

WHOAH!   That is awesome.   

[DawnM]

Scarlett, I hope you get to meet him.   That is amazing.

My bio father did not want anything to do with me, and even denied that I was his.....for over a year.   

Then he asked my sister (who he raised) one day if I had any pics of my bio mom when she was young.   I sent him one and he immediately said, "Oh, yeah, I remember her!"   And then he saw my wedding photos and said, "Oh man, she is definitely a (family last name!) no DNA needed for that one!"

And that is how we started a relationship.

As for my birth mother.   She is now in a memory care unit and doesn't remember anything anyway, but even when she was more lucid, she didn't have a lot of information about that time in her life.   She swore I was John's daughter (her boyfriend).   I was not. And she said she didn't remember my birth father and was upset that anyone suggested she cheated on him with someone she had just met.   So we dropped it.

Life is messy.   But I am a firm believer in finding out the truth, even if it is painful.   And I wanted to know MY truth.   Turns out, my birth mother is 4'10" and my birth father is 5'6" so I came by my 4'11" honestly!  

And I don't think those who haven't experienced some of this can fully understand what it is like to not know who you are, where you came from, or not look like anyone in your family.   And people's responses will be based on many things.....their own family experiences, their knowledge of "that one person I know who found their birth family and X or Y happened!," etc....

[Heartstrings]

5 hours ago, ChickaDeeDeeDee said:

 

I was reacting because the screenshot Scarlett posted said half sister, but that's been clarified. I only have personal experience with 23andme which does assign sex based on DNA and they did predict relationships when we did it years ago  (don't know if it still does).    

Just looked it up, you're right about the atDNA.  I didn't think they just did autosomal and it turns out they did do y and mt in the past: https://www.dataminingdna.com/does-ancestry-test-y-dna-or-mitochondrial-dna/#Ancestry_Winds_Down_Y-DNA_tests_and_mtDNA_Tests  

I don't want to detract from Scarlett's exciting news so hopefully this little tangent doesn't do that.  

Thanks for clarifying that screen shot Scarlett,  I hope that you and your brother are able to develop a nice relationship and that you're meaningful additions to each other's lives.   

His wife created the account (or it was connected to her account)so it looked like the wife was the sibling.  After contact they sorted out that it was actually the husbands DNA, thus brother.  

[Janeway]

I am very happy for you all and how all this turned out! I am glad he knew before he had the test done. I mean, that he knew he was adopted and all. This is the best case scenario. I am very happy for you all!

[Scarlett]

He is scared….from his wife tonight.

 

<<<Good evening.  This is brother’s  wife.  We've spoken via Ancestry.com.   He wanted to take a minute and reach out to you both, but is a bit overwhelmed,  well that isn't the right word.  But his mind is flooded with many emotions so he just needs a day or so to process. We didn't get a chance to look at his results until tonight.  He was adopted in Houston in 1963.  He never knew either of his biological parents. >>

 

My crazed sister and I are just…..crazed..trying to calm down and give him space.  

Edited to say—-calling her crazed makes her sound unhinged.  She isn’t. She is just overwhelmed emotionally. 
 

The wife sounds very nice and said she has a lot of questions just like he does.  

Edited February 17, 2023 by Scarlett