I expect for my DIL(s) to be closer to their moms than me, do you?

[Ann.without.an.e]

Deleted

Update/Response on Page #3 (sorry I don't know how to tag it)....

Thanks y'all ❤️ 

Edited February 9, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[QueenCat]

I don't expect to be viewed equally or have equal time with new babies. I do expect to be a part of their lives. And I don't expect to have to wait months to meet my grands. I would also hope my sons want me in their lives. 

[marbel]

I expect that it's typical that women are closer to their own mother than their mother-in-law. I certainly was. BUT there are also lots of women who are closer to their MIL than their own mother, for various reasons. I think there are some people who have expressed that here on this board. 

Has your daughter expressed to her husband that she doesn't want her in-laws/his parents to stay with them immediately after their babies are born? Her hesitations seem reasonable to me but of course my opinion matters not a bit. But her husband should be responding to them and he should be dealing with his parents to protect his wife. 

 

Edited February 8, 2023 by marbel

[QueenCat]

And I would get a hotel,  not stay or ask to stay, in a home with a new baby. Unless asked to do so. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

27 minutes ago, marbel said:

I expect that it's typical that women are closer to their own mother than their mother-in-law. I certainly was. BUT there are also lots of women who are closer to their MIL than their own mother, for various reasons. I think there are some people like that here. 

Has your daughter expressed to her husband that she doesn't want her in-laws/his parents to stay with them immediately after their babies are born? Her hesitations seem reasonable to me but of course my opinion matters not a bit. But her husband should be responding to them and he should be dealing with his parents to protect his wife. 

 

 

I really want him to read the book Boundaries. He needs them. He has kinda just avoided the topic but dd knows they are planning on it from comments and he hasn't said no. The entire family is so afraid to trigger the victim complex. She will say it is fine but get extremely passive aggressive and anxious and needs so much reassurance. She has distanced her other kiddos from her (she has a dd but they actually aren't close for stated reasons). 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[marbel]

Adding... the relationships are bound to be different. No two relationships are exactly the same and for various reasons people simply cannot be treated completely equally, even if they have the same roles - like grandma. Life and relationships just don't work that way. Only very foolish people demand such, because it only ensures they are not going to get what they want. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

5 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

I don't expect to be viewed equally or have equal time with new babies. I do expect to be a part of their lives. And I don't expect to have to wait months to meet my grands. I would also hope my sons want me in their lives. 

 

2 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

And I would get a hotel,  not stay or ask to stay, in a home with a new baby. Unless asked to do so. 

 

 

1 minute ago, marbel said:

Adding... the relationships are bound to be different. No two relationships are exactly the same and for various reasons people simply cannot be treated completely equally, even if they have the same roles - like grandma. Life and relationships just don't work that way. Only very foolish people demand such, because it only ensures they are not going to get what they want. 

 

 

What I've suggested to DD in our convos is to say that they are welcome to visit for a few hours but that she will have to see how she feels before she commits to overnight visits? Do y'all think that is reasonable advice?

[kristin0713]

I agree with you. I don’t expect her, if/when DS gets married, to be as close to me as her mom or to call me Mom. Probably also reflective of my relationship with my MIL. I think it’s weird to call my ILs Mom/Dad because they’re not my parents. But a lot of people do. I would welcome it if she wanted that but I certainly don’t expect it. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just now, kristin0713 said:

I agree with you. I don’t expect her, if/when DS gets married, to be as close to me as her mom or to call me Mom. Probably also reflective of my relationship with my MIL. I think it’s weird to call my ILs Mom/Dad because they’re not my parents. But a lot of people do. I would welcome it if she wanted that but I certainly don’t expect it. 

My parents never did this with their ILs either so maybe it is something you have to grow up with? 

We had this weird age thing going on with us that would've made it odd anyway. DH is youngest and my mom was 17 when she had me. DH is only 9 years younger than my mom and his parents are my grandparent's age, also his half sister is older than my mom lol. Like, no, DH wasn't calling my mom "mom" and I didn't know what to call them until I had dd and Grandma and Grandpa felt right 🤣

[prairiewindmomma]

You’re not weird.

And, a lot of people get wildly possessive of their grandchildren. Childbirth is a common flare in tension.

Maybe your dd can pull a Sussex and just not announce when she has gone into labor? 😂 She is the one shooting babies out of her baby cannon—with all of the leaking and messiness and hormones, she should feel like she can have as much space and privacy as she needs.

 

Edited February 8, 2023 by prairiewindmomma

[Ann.without.an.e]

2 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

You’re not weird.

And, a lot of people get wildly possessive of their grandchildren. Childbirth is a common flare in tension.

Maybe your dd can pull a Sussex and just not announce when she has gone into labor? 😂 She is the only shooting babies out of her baby cannon—with all of the leaking and messiness and hormones, she should feel like she can have as much space and privacy as she needs.

 

She will be induced and they know the date. 

She is trying to be sweet and just accept it but she is so private that I feel like she will regret that. I tried to really express to her like... you'll leak, you'll get engorged, you'll be bleeding heavily, etc. I just want her to make the best decision for her that is an informed one.  ETA: so my suggestion for her was not to say no but to say "we'll see how I feel" 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[Katy]

You're not weird.  She needs to DEMAND her husband set some boundaries.  And those boundaries will be determined by her.  Her bleeding body, her recovering wounds, her sore nipples, her hormones, and if in laws cannot accept that they need to GTFO.

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just now, Katy said:

You're not weird.  She needs to DEMAND her husband set some boundaries.  And those boundaries will be determined by her.  Her bleeding body, her recovering wounds, her sore nipples, her hormones, and if in laws cannot accept that they need to GTFO.

See, I feel like the best thing for their relationship is for SIL to say "not until we see how she feels" and put that on the back burner. I'm afraid that if he doesn't then they will come, dd will get emotionally overwhelmed and they will end up asking them to leave - which may be more hurtful in the long run, right?

[Ann.without.an.e]

Also, y'all ... totally different question. DD says if they do come, she absolutely still wants me there. I don't know? I feel like this will cause issues with them (maybe this is my trauma from the drama bw my ILs and parents) but  I feel they will want their space and be bitter about my presence? I expressed this to DD and she said (almost with tears) "I don't care, I want you there for me. They can hold babies but *I* need you." 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[Katy]

1 minute ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

See, I feel like the best thing for their relationship is for SIL to say "not until we see how she feels" and put that on the back burner. I'm afraid that if he doesn't then they will come, dd will get emotionally overwhelmed and they will end up asking them to leave - which may be more hurtful in the long run, right?

I would put it much more strongly than that.  As in, 'do not leave your house until we invite you.'  But he should be the one to tell them that.  And he needs to know that she's going to need to recover in many ways and he's going to need to protect her and the babies.

[prairiewindmomma]

Ultimately, though, the choice is hers and if it does come to them asking his parents to leave, hopefully they will be gracious enough to do so without being offended. If they aren’t gracious, that speaks more to who his parents are than to who SIL and dd are. 
 

[Katy]

Just now, Ann.without.an.e said:

Also, y'all ... totally different question. DD says if they do come, she absolutely still wants me there. I don't know? I feel like this will cause issues with them (maybe this is my trauma from the drama bw my ILs and parents) but  I feel they will want their space and be bitter about my presence? I expressed this to DD and she said (almost with tears) "I dont' care, I want you there for me. They can hold babies but *I* need you." 

Who cares what they think?  She needs her Mama and she's not afraid to tell you that.  I'm glad she realizes this now.

[Rosie_0801]

Mothers in law in the labour suite without permission? How horrifying!
I remember my midwife assuring me that hospital staff are more than happy to evict such persons, with obvious glee in her eyes.

 

Of course I wouldn't expect to be treated with more regard by a DIL, if I had one, or even equal, than her own mother. I would be mightily hurt if I were shoved to the side to placate a grown woman's tantrums though. Becoming a parent is exactly the right time to lay down the law with your own parents if they can't behave themselves. No man should ever behave as though his mother is more important than the woman who has just given birth to his child/ren. That's the makings of an unhappy life.

Nor should a birthing or postpartum woman's mother treat her dd's MIL as more important than her daughter, to answer your other question.

[prairiewindmomma]

1 minute ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Also, y'all ... totally different question. DD says if they do come, she absolutely still wants me there. I don't know? I feel like this will cause issues with them (maybe this is my trauma from the drama bw my ILs and parents) but  I feel they will want their space and be bitter about my presence? I expressed this to DD and she said (almost with tears) "I don't care, I want you there for me. They can hold babies but *I* need you." 

If she wants you to be there, be there. She is your daughter and she is asking for you. Be there for her and don’t make her choose.

Everyone is always so happy to see the babies. The mom is often forgotten. 

[MercyA]

You are not weird and I think you're a great MIL. 

I never wanted to call my IL's mom and dad and I had the impression they were disappointed, although they never said anything (but did sign cards "Mom and Dad" for years and years). My MIL still (25 years later) leaves voicemails that say, "Hi, this is Mom. First Name-Mom." She tries, bless her. It's not passive-aggressive.

She's a very good MIL, as MIL's go. She's always been kind to me. But she's not my mom and never will be. 

I hope your DD says, "I'm not comfortable with houseguests right after the babies are born" and, if necessary, "Sorry, that won't be possible." Lather, rinse, repeat.

[klmama]

Ann, her dh needs to run interference for her with his family.  She should not have to deal with people she doesn't want to see right after giving birth.  

Boundaries is an excellent book and I am very grateful that my dh read it before we married and had kids.  I would have been a total wreck if all of my in-laws (MIL, FIL, multiple BILs/SILs) had shown up immediately after childbirth, like they had done previously with other grandbabies.  Dh understood my horror at the idea and told them we would welcome people at a planned time after returning home.  We did let MIL come up to the hospital on the 2nd day.  

[KungFuPanda]

I’d have a conversation with my son in law about this and if he was too cowardly to speak to his parents I’d do it myself. I have a daughter about to give birth and I feel fiercely protective. Luckily her MIL is delightful and sane. This isn’t just a birth, the mother is a patient who needs real recovery time and HER feelings and needs matter more than anyone who hasn’t just given birth. 

[marbel]

Your daughter's husband should tell his parents that he will let them know when they can come visit. That's it. This is his new family unit and it is up to him to set boundaries with his parents (siblings, etc). Just as it is up to your daughter to set boundaries with hers. And if course they should agree on those boundaries together. But particularly now, he needs to protect his wife from undue stress and obligations.

[Ann.without.an.e]

6 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’d have a conversation with my son in law about this and if he was too cowardly to speak to his parents I’d do it myself. I have a daughter about to give birth and I feel fiercely protective. Luckily her MIL is delightful and sane. This isn’t just a birth, the mother is a patient who needs real recovery time and HER feelings and needs matter more than anyone who hasn’t just given birth. 

I agree with your last part (edited to bold it) but I have no plans to talk to my SIL about this or his parents about it. I think it is important for DD and SIL to communicate and work this out. They don't need me involved to that degree. My only involvement has been to listen to DD's concerns and encourage her to be honest with SIL, that is as far as I will be involved. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[KungFuPanda]

6 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Also, y'all ... totally different question. DD says if they do come, she absolutely still wants me there. I don't know? I feel like this will cause issues with them (maybe this is my trauma from the drama bw my ILs and parents) but  I feel they will want their space and be bitter about my presence? I expressed this to DD and she said (almost with tears) "I don't care, I want you there for me. They can hold babies but *I* need you." 

Do not even factor the in-laws wants into this. You are going to work and be helpful. They want to be visitors. It is not the same. I’m still so appreciative of all my mother did right after my first was born. I made the mistake of  attempting fairness and letting MIL stay after the birth of my second. It was not good. I should’ve had her come and visit a month later. 
 

 

[Emba]

No, i don’t think you’re wrong. I loved my MIL (she has passed away) very much, but I never called her mom, because I have a mom. She came to the hospital when I gave  birth but definitely wasn’t in the room until after the baby was born. She would never have expected that. 
 

i would say in the end she probably spent much more time with my kids than my mom, but that was just because of geographic proximity. MIL lived 20 minutes away, my parents live 3 hours away.

i think that relationships and families vary but what you describe as your expectations sounds very normal and healthy.

[KungFuPanda]

7 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I agree with your last part (edited to bold it) but I have no plans to talk to my SIL about this or his parents about it. I think it is important for DD and SIL to communicate and work this out. They don't need me involved to that degree. 

I just know when I was having my first child in my mid twenties I was also still very much a people pleaser who never put my own needs first. I had to grow into that. I’m lucky I had DH who was born without the pleaser gene. 
 

I’m also comfortable enough with my son in law and his parents to to have a tough conversation if it’s in my daughter’s best interest. It is absolutely appropriate for a new mother to be completely selfish for several weeks. 
 

ETA: I’d probably take it upon myself to have a conversation with DSIL because my tone would be much gentler than if Dh had to speak to him about this. I swear we are supportive-but-hands-off until explicitly  asked.  However, we would both step in if someone tried to treat our recovering daughter like their hostess. People who would do that deserve to be managed. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by KungFuPanda

[Ann.without.an.e]

52 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I just know when I was having my first child in my mid twenties I was also still very much a people pleaser who never put my own needs first. I had to grow into that. I’m lucky I had DH who was born without the pleaser gene. 
 

I’m also comfortable enough with my son in law and his parents to to have a tough conversation if it’s in my daughter’s best interest. It is absolutely appropriate for a new mother to be completely selfish for several weeks. 

I mean, it is soooo tempting, especially to talk to SIL. We are close. He trusts me. 

That being said.... I don't know....if I couldn't express how I was feeling to my mom without fear that she may tell others how I was feeling instead of allowing me to make that choice, that might breach trust? Maybe I'm wrong here but her trust is important to me. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[Rosie_0801]

8 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I agree with your last part (edited to bold it) but I have no plans to talk to my SIL about this or his parents about it. I think it is important for DD and SIL to communicate and work this out. They don't need me involved to that degree. My only involvement has been to listen to DD's concerns and encourage her to be honest with SIL, that is as far as I will be involved. 

Or, to look at it another way, as witness to their wedding oughtn't you be a person who helps their marriage through the tricky bits? It is considered appropriate in our cultures to leave people to work themselves out when they are most vulnerable, but is it really best practice?

[Emba]

There is a big difference in the days right after birth between a MIL and a mother visiting, my mother stayed several days, but I was so tired and worn out that I barely showed my face when my MIL and SIL visited for an afternoon. I would have absolutely gone over the edge if she’d wanted to stay the night, much less days.  There’s just a difference in pressure, though I could see that in some relationships it could be different. But no new mother should have overnight guests she doesn’t wholeheartedly want.

[Katy]

I agree it isn't appropriate to secretly talk to SIL.  But it's fine to ask her how that boundary is going and if she'd like me to say something.  And it's probably equally fine to ask her in front of him how she's feeling about it and if you should say something.  At least it would be for a kid like me.  An especially sensitive kid I'd ask without SIL around.

[Arcadia]

For traditional patriarchal Chinese culture, it is common for the guy’s parents to “demand” assess to the newborn because the newborn would follow their last name.  My in-laws self invite when DS17 was born. My husband had to pay for their airfare because he should be “honored” that they want to see their grandchildren. On one hand they didn’t help and on the other hand they expect my husband to drive them to tourist attractions and to do their shopping. Their treating my husband as the chauffeur and ATM was slightly better than if they didn’t go anywhere and just harass us with their demands. MIL came a week before estimated date of birth while FIL came after.  In their case it is for face saving. Not being around after their son’s child is born is treated like being “rejected” by the son. 

I do think my FIL was “smart enough” to know I was unhappy and didn’t say a word about my mom coming over and staying six months at a time to help. My MIL did ask and I just say my parents paid their own airfares and brought their own shopping money. 
 

I would say that in my social circles which is majority asians, people would expect a better relationship between the guy and his wife’s parents than the lady with her husband’s parents. Parents are “tolerant” of their daughters quirks and the son-in-laws would usually be at work or make themselves scarce. 
 

My parents would avoid visiting the same time as the in-laws because my dad would “blow up” at their whining while my late mom would just look askance.

I don’t have a daughter but I would go if my only niece needs me to be there to fend off obnoxious in-laws. Your son-in-law is sandwiched between his parents and your daughter. It is easy when the relationship is cut off like for your younger daughter’s husband. I have nephew and nieces that have cut off contact with their dad (my cousin abandoned them) so that was easier. 

[JennyD]

I adore my MIL and call her Mom. (DH calls my mother Mom too.)  My relationship with her is very different than my relationship with my mother.  I get along well with my mother, too but I met my MIL as an adult and in some ways it's just a lot easier.

I absolutely, positively, did not want anyone other than DH in the room when I gave birth, but I loved having MIL around during those newborn days.  She's just really easy to be around.    

I am also incredibly fortunate in that my mom and MIL have built a wonderful friendship over the years -- in fact, these days I think they talk to each more than I talk to either one of them.  They love sharing photos and stories about the kids and now that my parents live near us, I guess it's more efficient to just cut me out of the equation 🙂

I have three sons and if -- G-d willing -- any of them have children, I have no intention of making myself a nuisance in the ways that you describe.  But I absolutely plan to develop a close relationship with any grandchildren and I certainly hope that my DILs will be open to building a close, warm, adult relationship with me.

 

[Danae]

43 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

What I've suggested to DD in our convos is to say that they are welcome to visit for a few hours but that she will have to see how she feels before she commits to overnight visits? Do y'all think that is reasonable advice?

No, this is a terrible idea.  You can’t invite people without telling them ahead of time if they are going to be welcome to spend the night or not.  Her DH should tell his parents now that they will not be staying overnight.  Not doing it is just kicking the can down the road and it will be much worse to tell them ‘no’ after the baby is born if they’ve kept the ‘maybe’ open until then.

[Ann.without.an.e]

 

2 minutes ago, JennyD said:

I adore my MIL and call her Mom. (DH calls my mother Mom too.)  My relationship with her is very different than my relationship with my mother.  I get along well with my mother, too but I met my MIL as an adult and in some ways it's just a lot easier.

I absolutely, positively, did not want anyone other than DH in the room when I gave birth, but I loved having MIL around during those newborn days.  She's just really easy to be around.    

I am also incredibly fortunate in that my mom and MIL have built a wonderful friendship over the years -- in fact, these days I think they talk to each more than I talk to either one of them.  They love sharing photos and stories about the kids and now that my parents live near us, I guess it's more efficient to just cut me out of the equation 🙂

I have three sons and if -- G-d willing -- any of them have children, I have no intention of making myself a nuisance in the ways that you describe.  But I absolutely plan to develop a close relationship with any grandchildren and I certainly hope that my DILs will be open to building a close, warm, adult relationship with me.

 

 

This is lovely and sounds so healthy ❤️ 

[Ann.without.an.e]

4 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

For traditional patriarchal Chinese culture, it is common for the guy’s parents to “demand” assess to the newborn because the newborn would follow their last name.  My in-laws self invite when DS17 was born. My husband had to pay for their airfare because he should be “honored” that they want to see their grandchildren. On one hand they didn’t help and on the other hand they expect my husband to drive them to tourist attractions and to do their shopping. Their treating my husband as the chauffeur and ATM was slightly better than if they didn’t go anywhere and just harass us with their demands. MIL came a week before estimated date of birth while FIL came after.  In their case it is for face saving. Not being around after their son’s child is born is treated like being “rejected” by the son. 

I do think my FIL was “smart enough” to know I was unhappy and didn’t say a word about my mom coming over and staying six months at a time to help. My MIL did ask and I just say my parents paid their own airfares and brought their own shopping money. 
 

 

 

That sounds hard 😞 I know there is a cultural difference and expectation but that still sounds difficult. 

[fraidycat]

48 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

 

 

 

 

What I've suggested to DD in our convos is to say that they are welcome to visit for a few hours but that she will have to see how she feels before she commits to overnight visits? Do y'all think that is reasonable advice?

I wouldn't even let them entertain the idea of maybe staying overnight. That's just an opportunity for them to cajole her into letting them stay. Have them check-in to a hotel before they even go to the house.

[Ting Tang]

You are correct. I’m not in my own mother’s life, so I’m naturally “closer” to my MIL. My husband works with his father, and we live near, so there is just a lot of closeness. One hard part of my marriage has been always going on THEIR beloved family vacation. My kids are now attached, so now I’m really stuck. This has been happening since 2010. I can’t imagine ever having this expectation. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Ting Tang

[Arcadia]

5 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

That sounds hard 😞 I know there is a cultural difference and expectation but that still sounds difficult. 

At least my kids are boys 🤦‍♀️ Else I would get more backlash. 
 

My husband has finally learned to tell his parents that there is no room in the house to even put a sleeping bag down so his dad “offered” to get an airBnB when they visit. 
In your scenario, I would swap with your son-in-law. You sleep in the master bedroom and help your daughter. Your SIL can use the couch or guest bedroom.  My DS17 slept in the same room as my mom as a newborn because he wakes up at 5am and my mom is already awake by then. My husband is appreciative because he was the one doing all the newborn night feeding (including the 8am feed) for DS18. 

[Bootsie]

I don't have any expectation one way or the other regarding a potential son-in-law or daughter-in-law.  I think it will really depend upon personalities and proximity.  I will not be upset if either my daughter or a daughter-in-law says that she prefers that I not be present for a birth; I did not want my own mother present when I gave birth.

My maternal grandmother was very close to her mother-in-law.  She and my grandfather lived with his parents in the early years of their marriage (Great Depression era).  In fact, my grandparents met because his mother played bridge with my grandmother.  All of the family cooking traditions that have been handed down through my grandmother came from her cooking along with ther mother-in-law.  I have seen a number of other situations in which mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have close relationships and spend much more time together and share more family events together than the daughter does with her own mother, so I do not find it unusual for that to occur.  

[Paige]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

 

 

 

 

What I've suggested to DD in our convos is to say that they are welcome to visit for a few hours but that she will have to see how she feels before she commits to overnight visits? Do y'all think that is reasonable advice?

That's only reasonable if they live close enough to sleep at home or are wealthy enough that they won't care about the cost of a hotel. Unfortunately, neither of those were true for me. I compromised by saying grandparents who wished to take the time and money to come meet the baby but not stay at my house were welcome to come right after the birth for a short time (24-72hrs). Any extended visits which would mean staying for a week or more at my house would not be welcome until after DH went back to work (2 weeks). I also wanted a week to rest between visitors. BUT- the twins were premature and everything went out the window as we needed babysitters for our oldest son, and no babies were home anyway. When they were released from the hospital, however; same rules. 

42 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

I’d have a conversation with my son in law about this and if he was too cowardly to speak to his parents I’d do it myself. I have a daughter about to give birth and I feel fiercely protective. Luckily her MIL is delightful and sane. This isn’t just a birth, the mother is a patient who needs real recovery time and HER feelings and needs matter more than anyone who hasn’t just given birth. 

I feel this is so often ignored or minimized.

[Ann.without.an.e]

59 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

 

ETA: However, we would both step in if someone tried to treat our recovering daughter like their hostess.

 

19 minutes ago, Paige said:

That's only reasonable if they live close enough to sleep at home or are wealthy enough that they won't care about the cost of a hotel.

 

DD’s ILs say they are coming to help. They want to help take care of babies and cook (but dd has allergies and her MIL has made her sick a few times).  

They live 3 hours away so could come, visit for a few hours, then be back home for bed. They are in their 50's and drive often, this isn't a stretch for them. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Ann.without.an.e

[JennyD]

48 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

 

This is lovely and sounds so healthy ❤️ 

Well, we have our moments, but on the whole I'm incredibly lucky.  And I feel like I have a great role model as to how to be an awesome MIL someday.  

 

[Clarita]

2 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

So, back to my question. Am I the weird one here that I don't expect my DIL(s) to view me equally with their mom?

I have a close relationship with my MIL. We worried/talked at one point about what I would call her. Both our conclusion was it would be too weird for me to call my in laws mom and dad. I had a mom and dad who raised me and they have their own kids. I call them by their names, even though my MIL has the keys to my house with my blessing. My MIL is my close friend and mentor, not my 2nd mother. Although she does see the grandchildren more than my own mother, since my own mother lives far away.

Besides why would a MIL want a DIL to view them the same as their own mothers? She must not have her own daughter, because sometimes I think my mom would rather I view my relationship with her like I do my MIL. I sugar coat my words to my MIL. I am brutally honest with my mom. 

[rebcoola]

You are not weird. My MIL is a lovely woman and I enjoy her company but their has been a lot of friction in our relationship especially since kids were born because she has a very different image in her head of what our relationship should look like.  She has been hurt because I don't call her for advice( never really called anyone for baby advice).  The relationship she pictures would be much more than I have with my own parents (which I consider good).  She has forced herself on us kind of like what your describing with the camp out and it ends badly I have much better boundaries now but when I was 23 it was hard to say no.

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

 

 

DD’s ILs say they are coming to help. They want to help take care of babies and cook (but dd has allergies and her MIL has made her sick a few times).  

Can your SIL put his foot down on his mom doing any cooking? I would be tempted to show up with enough food every morning for your daughter so that she doesn’t even need to leave her bedroom.

My in-laws do not believe in food allergies. So it was scary for my husband’s sister because her twin kids have shrimp allergy. It is kind of frustrating for her when my in-laws are free to help but you can’t trust them to. 

Also would parenting style crash? I am a laid back mom while my in-laws like things done their way. For example thinking that using disposable diapers is being spendthrift. That is another reason why I rather my in-laws go shopping from dawn to dusk.  

[Green Bean]

You should be there. Your daughter wants you there and that is all that matters. Dsil should be the one to lay down the boundary with his parents. He’s going to have to do it sometime. Better to rip that Band-Aid now. It’s plain rude the ils want to hang about! If it were me, the Momma Bear would come out and defend my dd cause she will always come first just like yours does to you.

As for relationships- We’ve told our kids Dh and I absolutely do not want their future spouses calling us Mom and Dad. The future spouses will have parents. We want to be friends.

Bottom line- only you know the full story and what would be best here. 

Edited February 8, 2023 by Green Bean

[Arcadia]

My husband’s sister is actually closer to her in-laws. Her in-laws are blunt but they respect her wishes and do not criticize how she and her husband run their house. They also would not go behind the parents back on food allergies. Her in-laws babysat whenever they are free and do not overstay their welcome. They also don’t nag her to have more children. 

[catz]

3 hours ago, Arcadia said:

. 
In your scenario, I would swap with your son-in-law. You sleep in the master bedroom and help your daughter. Your SIL can use the couch or guest bedroom.  

Why would you bump SIL from his bed and opportunity to be a hands on spouse and parent?   I can’t imagine doing this without being explicitly asked by the couple under certain circumstances.  Like maybe as he adjusts to going back to work for a few days.    I also think it’s ok to have boundaries as a caretaker too.   People get useless fast without solid sleep, OP has a child at home that is homeschooled (this would actually be a concern for me), etc.  
 

OP, i think you are doing a good job being supportive and encouraging this young family to lay out their boundaries.   Which is super important to establish for the health of their little growing family going forward.   It will be hard and an adjustment.    

Edited February 8, 2023 by catz

[Arcadia]

8 minutes ago, catz said:

Why would you bump SIL from his bed and opportunity to be a hands on spouse and parent?  

It is meant as a suggestion, not as an order. It also depends on where babies are going to sleep. I was suggesting based on her daughter’s twins sleeping in the master bedroom. If her daughter’s twins have their own nursery, then whoever is helping with the night feedings could bunk with the newborns. 

My husband did appreciate being “bumped” since he was driving to and from work while sleep deprived.