Prayers for dh’s family please

[kbutton]

42 minutes ago, saraha said:

She should, he told them both he was having emergency surgery on his good eye. She has texted him a couple of times asking how he’s doing, but I don’t know what he said back. Maybe she assumes since he’s texting he must be fine?🤷🏼‍♀️ He holds the phone like three inches from his eye and painstakingly texts, instead of telling people to just call him. His two employees under him text instead of call too. He won’t let me do it for him and won’t ask that they call instead. 🙄 I just breathe through it whenever I see him trying to read or send a text.

She seems like the type to look for clues of normalcy vs. actually having the common sense, concern, or imagination to realize that he needs to recover.

7 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I would send out a text to the siblings to let them know that he's out of commission for the foreseeable future and that texts are laborious for him to read right now. He may not like it but sometimes you have to do for husbands what they won't do for themselves. 

I agree.

[Renai]

19 minutes ago, sassenach said:

If you have iPhones, Siri can read those texts to him and he could voice text back.

 

Android does this too.

[saraha]

1 hour ago, sassenach said:

If you have iPhones, Siri can read those texts to him and he could voice text back.

I would send out a text to the siblings to let them know that he's out of commission for the foreseeable future and that texts are laborious for him to read right now. He may not like it but sometimes you have to do for husbands what they won't do for themselves. 

I asked him if I could set that up on his phone yesterday but he said no. I offered again today and he said he would feel weird talk texting where everyone could hear him. But if it doesn’t get any better he would let me figure out how to use it.

Before I left to pick up ds12 from boyscouts I asked if he had heard anything from her today and he said sil texted and said his mom fell again at a church dinner last night and told him all about it. And that the three were talking about it. I again offered to figure out the text talk thing or to keep his phone and tell him about the texts he gets and writes back but he just said no thanks again. Apparently he’s back on the group chat, starting the day he had surgery. 🙄🤦‍♀️

[saraha]

After he fell asleep I went to see what sil said about mil. I guess she kind of slow motion collapsed on the way to the fellowship hall so they got her up and put her in a wheel chair and wheeled her in but she didn’t want to stay in it so they moved her to a regular chair. When they were ready to leave two of my nephews helped her to the car and one nephew followed them home to help her to the house, but said she walked in fine. And that she only ate candy for dinner

So the two times she went anywhere in the last week that wasn’t straight into her seat at church, she collapsed. They haven’t taken her to a doctor or anything, but sil said she would have the new aid check her oxygen levels right after she does her exercises. Except who knows when the new aid will show up, she was only there 1 and a half days last week, and only came three days the week before.  
I noticed the three times I was over there this week, she wouldn’t eat her food. I thought it was because she didn’t like the aids cooking but then she wouldn’t eat what I fixed and they said she didn’t eat dinner last night either. But, no one os filling out the sheets I printed off so everyone could be keeping track of how much she eats and drinks among other things so🤷🏼‍♀️
I’m wondering if she is not eating properly and that’s why she collapses or if the blood clots are coming back and that’s why.

I wish sil would take dh back out of the group text. He hadn’t been getting any texts til he texted them about the surgery and now he’s back in

Edited February 11, 2023 by saraha

[Bambam]

I feel so much for your situation - your DH, MIL health issues, crazy sounding SIL, everything. 

If this were my family, I'd have a real sit down conversation with my DH. His immediately family (wife, children) are his #1 priority. His mom and dad are #2 right now. I get he wants to help, but he needs to concentrate on trying to get better for his family.  So, I would really really push to get him to say to his siblings, take me out of the text group. I can do nothing, I'm not sure when I will be able to do anything. If anything serious happens with Mom, please let Saraha know so we can pray and she can help as she is able. 

But I'm pushy like that. My DH might not respond well immediately, but I think he would see my point. But I'm real pushy about health issues. Because it does matter. And things that are life-changing are important. 

[kbutton]

38 minutes ago, Bambam said:

But I'm pushy like that. My DH might not respond well immediately, but I think he would see my point. But I'm real pushy about health issues. Because it does matter. And things that are life-changing are important. 

Me too. My DH's phone would've met with an untimely accident by now after secretly recruiting DS to make sure it's all backed up. Oops! How did it get so wet and sticky?!?

46 minutes ago, saraha said:

I wish sil would take dh back out of the group text. He hadn’t been getting any texts til he texted them about the surgery and now he’s back in

That's bizarre! It's one thing to keep him informed and another to act like he needs to do something. Add in that he was on ignore until he told her about HIS health issue--these people are seriously messed up.

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry that things are so stressful. I just want to second that I think you should send a text to family members, letting them know that your husband is having a difficult recovery and has limited eyesight at the moment. From your descriptions, it sounds like he is pretty reticent, and I wouldn't be surprised if he has not opened up to them about his struggles. But they need to know, and it is within your place to notify them. If your husband gets annoyed about it, he will get over it, but it would be beneficial in the end.

[Harriet Vane]

I’m so very sorry for your dh and what you’re facing. 

Please consider telling the family in plain terms that dh is facing possible blindness and needs prayer and kindness. And that furniture shopping and other chores are off the table.

Warm hugs.

[Grace Hopper]

6 hours ago, saraha said:

Thanks. We just made another trip back up to the doctor yesterday. He’s having a lot of pain. They did all kinds of tests and an ultrasound but couldn’t find the source of the pain so he’s just trying to deal with it as best he can. His spirits are pretty low as his job and the farm need a man with at least one good eye, but that is looking less and less likely as time goes on. So lots of thinking about life style changes as he’s only 48. I know there are so many that have things worse than we do, but it’s still hard.

Thanks for thinking of us.

PS: if anyone is missing sil stories, yesterday while we were at the doctor, sil texted saying fil wants two new recliners but dh needs to make sure he gets one mil can get in and out of easily. Preferably in tan or brown. Fil stopped by yesterday morning to see if we needed hog feed, but didn’t mention going shopping. 🙄 dh can’t even see from one side of the room to the other, he’s not about to take anyone furniture shopping. She’s so daggone bossy

 

“Bossy” is not the first adjective that comes to mind. 
 

I’m sorry your dh is having a challenging recovery. 

5 hours ago, QueenCat said:

Please, please don't compare what  you are going through to others. It's "your" hard and it's okay to feel any way that you need to! As for sil, she needs to be told that the furniture shopping is not happening and to not ask for any kind of help until YOU tell her that it's possible. And if you need me to do it for you, I'd be glad to. 

+1!

4 hours ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Your family is dealing with a life altering situation with regards to your dh’s eyesight. Dealing with his care, the final outcome of his surgery and the future for him and your entire nuclear family is all consuming right now. The selfishness of his family of origin (especially SIL) is mind boggling. 

Truth

2 hours ago, Bambam said:

I feel so much for your situation - your DH, MIL health issues, crazy sounding SIL, everything. 

If this were my family, I'd have a real sit down conversation with my DH. His immediately family (wife, children) are his #1 priority. His mom and dad are #2 right now. I get he wants to help, but he needs to concentrate on trying to get better for his family.  So, I would really really push to get him to say to his siblings, take me out of the text group. I can do nothing, I'm not sure when I will be able to do anything. If anything serious happens with Mom, please let Saraha know so we can pray and she can help as she is able. 

But I'm pushy like that. My DH might not respond well immediately, but I think he would see my point. But I'm real pushy about health issues. Because it does matter. And things that are life-changing are important. 

I would do the same. If he does lose vision in both eyes, your life will change and your priorities must change to either fighting for complete recovery or adapting to some big lifestyle changes for your nuclear family. In your shoes I’d be speaking up. 
 

His FOO has their heads buried in the sand. 

[Hen]

I'm praying for you guys!  ....about the speech to text, my husband uses it all the time because he says it's quicker, no one seems to care or notice when he does it.  Maybe ask one of your kids to set it up on your phone, and show you how to use it, and do it from now on in front of your dh, so he will see that no one notices or cares when you do it, and that you don't have to shout or be loud, that it is useful and pretty normal. After seeing you do it a bunch, he might try it.  just a thought.

and I think his family is crazy, and not compassionate towards you guys. 

 

[math teacher]

My husband uses speech to text all the time just because it's so much easier for him. The only thing unusual about it to me is that he has to say "period" at the end of his sentence if he wants punctuation.

[Kassia]

9 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

I’m so very sorry for your dh and what you’re facing. 

Please consider telling the family in plain terms that dh is facing possible blindness and needs prayer and kindness. And that furniture shopping and other chores are off the table.

Warm hugs.

I agree with all of the above.  I feel so bad that you have all the stress of what your poor DH is going through and have to deal with his family, who doesn't seem to care at all.  

I use talk to text all the time because I'm terrible at texting.  Besides the autocorrect issue, it's great and so much easier for me.

[saraha]

9 hours ago, Hen said:

I'm praying for you guys!  ....about the speech to text, my husband uses it all the time because he says it's quicker, no one seems to care or notice when he does it.  Maybe ask one of your kids to set it up on your phone, and show you how to use it, and do it from now on in front of your dh, so he will see that no one notices or cares when you do it, and that you don't have to shout or be loud, that it is useful and pretty normal. After seeing you do it a bunch, he might try it.  just a thought.

and I think his family is crazy, and not compassionate towards you guys. 

 

I’m going to do this today! My sister and my friend use it all of the time so I don’t think anything of it myself, but he would be very self conscious. Normalizing it is a great idea!

[saraha]

I wasn’t sure where to post this but decided since it involves my 🤬sil, I’ll put it here. I am going to finally do it. I am going to send a text to sil and dh’s brother telling about what it is like at our house. Dh didn’t tell me, but he gave me his phone to read boyscout messages since I am dealing with that stuff right now and I will admit to being nosey and clicking on the texts from sil. Apparently aid called off again today, she has yet to work a whole week. Sil texted to say this and ask if nephew could go over or and I quote “dh maybe you could go over and “rest” with mom, it’s beautiful today and i am sure dad will want to be outside.” 
I AM SO MAD I COULD SPIT NAILS

i didn’t say anything to dh about seeing the text as it was time for me to leave to pick up dd15 from work. So I’m sitting here trying to decide how to word this text. And on top of that, poor dd21 called with what was to her super exciting news about her summer plans (which I don’t agree with at all) and I was completely unable to fake enthusiasm. I handed her off to her dad who is way better at that stuff but I could tell she was disappointed that I didn’t share her enthusiasm. Big mom fail.

 I’m tired. I stressed. I am managing our farm, all the driving, and have to watch my dh sit in the dark for 18 hours a day which brings me back to this text. I am scared to death what is going to happen to our finances, and trying to keep track of all his medications and his sister has royally pissed me off. So I am asking for your help to craft a text to these two that accurately explains without too much detail.  I doubt I will tell dh about it because he is a very private person and is not going to be happy but I have had enough. He will probably say she was just joking, but I don’t find it funny one bit. So, hit me with your ideas because I want it to sound good and I will probably just mess it up.

Pertinate information:

dh sits all day in the dark because light gives him headaches. Dr didn’t have a reason for this. He can’t read or watch tv at all. He reads his phone using a magnifying glass. We have Christmas lights strung up so he can go to the bathroom without too much light or killing himself falling down the stairs

he will be off work for weeks, maybe months with no guarantee of ever going back. we are VERY stressed about this

he is in a lot of pain and sleeps a lot as a result. He only gets out of his recliner to go to the bathroom basically. He can’t sleep lying down so just sits all day in his chair in pain 

he loves his mom and dad very much  and feels guilty about needing help and not helping them

And by the way, would it kill you not to ask for help from him and maybe even offer some help d—-it?!?

Ok, go!

[saraha]

I keep typing and deleting. I’m trying g to decide if it is better to send a mad text or a calm one. The text with the suggestion to help came this morning but I just saw it a little bit ago. Or maybe I should call. But I am so mad I don’t know if a call is a good idea

[saraha]

I’m afraid if I call I will just lose my self all over her

[Storygirl]

I think keeping the tone of your text informative but neutral is the best way to go. Something like, "Hi, I'm reaching out, because you know DH; he will never complain, and I'm not sure he has shared his condition with you honestly." Then list out the things that you mention above. Say that you are sorry that your family is not available more right now, but that you are handling all things alone and DH is incapacitated. Then thank them for understanding.

[freesia]

Dear SIL,

thank you very much for keeping dh in the loop about parents. you may not be aware but dh is still recovering from his surgery. He wants to help parents, but he sits in the dark 18 hours a day and needs a magnifying glass to read his texts. Please stop asking him for help. 
Saraha 

[freesia]

Just now, Storygirl said:

I think keeping the tone of your text informative but neutral is the best way to go. Something like, "Hi, I'm reaching out, because you know DH; he will never complain, and I'm not sure he has shared his condition with you honestly." Then list out the things that you mention above. Say that you are sorry that your family is not available more right now, but that you are handling all things alone and DH is incapacitated. Then thank them for understanding.

I like yours better than mine!

[Storygirl]

Not because they are understanding. But to prompt them to respond with understanding, if that makes sense. Because that is the only decent response for them to offer, so you assume they will offer it.

[freesia]

And then if nice doesn’t work, I give you permission to call and let loose on her. 

Edited February 16, 2023 by freesia

[Harriet Vane]

Put it in writing in the group chat for ALL to see. 

Dh is unable to do anything other than rest in a dark room at this time. He may really lose his sight permanently, and we may really be facing major, life-altering changes. He is not able to work on the farm and he is not able to help with his parents, though he loves them both dearly and wishes he could. Please understand this crisis that our family is facing. We cannot assist with extra chores or care duties. 

Edited February 16, 2023 by Harriet Vane

[saraha]

It so hard, I am never allowed to be angry, and when I finally get there I feel so out of control and my body has a huge reaction to anger. I was never allowed to be angry growing up and I’m not allowed to be angry now. But I am just beside myself angry.

[Harriet Vane]

And let me just say that woman has got some nerve.

GOOD FOR YOU for telling her to knock it off.

After the group text, you have my full and enthusiastic permission to call her up and scream it all out at her. She needs taking down a notch or two. 

The group text is so that the others are well aware of both your need and her ridiculous expectations. 

Edited February 16, 2023 by Harriet Vane

[saraha]

Thank you for the calm suggestions. That is absolutely the road I need to take. I am having a hard time being calm

[Harriet Vane]

 

Sorry to bombard with a million messages--to my wording (or any of the other excellent suggestions in the thread) I think it would be worthwhile to add that dh is in significant, constant pain. 

 

The group text is so that the others are well aware of both your need and her ridiculous expectations. 

[freesia]

Just now, saraha said:

Thank you for the calm suggestions. That is absolutely the road I need to take. I am having a hard time being calm

I completely understand. Your anger is valid and real. There’s a lot you’ve had to push down. Is there anything you can do to help yourself calm down—not bc it’s wrong to feel anger, but to take care of you?  I think being honest with SIL is an excellent idea. 

[cjzimmer1]

I like what others wrote.  I might include something like, 'I'm sure you were just joking about having DH "rest" with MIL while he is in such perilous (Can't think of a better word right at the moment) condition himself but comments like that only make him feel worse about his condition and his inability to help right now when he is already struggling so much.  For his well being please refrain from insinuating that DH should come help until he is physically better."

 

I'm sure someone can word it better.

[saraha]

Ok, here is what I am thinking

Hey you guys, I just saw the earlier text about aid not coming. Thank you for keeping him in the loop. It did make me realize that I don’t think the whole picture of what dh is going through is clear. I know dh, and he tends to downplay and put on a happy face, but  Right now he spends 18 hours a day in the dark or near dark. The other hours he is sleeping. He may really lose functional sight permanently. He can’t read or watch tv. He can’t even see my face unless I am up close to him. He is in constant pain that the doctors cannot explain. Sil, I am sure you meant the comment about him “resting” with your mom as a joke, but dh is hurting right now and comments like that make him feel worse because he loves your mom and dad, but he literally can’t help. I’m sorry we can’t be of more help right now, thanks for understanding.
 

Edit help requested and how to close it?

and do I/ how do I tell dh I sent it?

Fil knows it’s bad, he’s been over a couple of times, including this morning as we had a car breakdown (it’s own frigging headache) and I needed a ride to pick it up. He even asked if there was anything he could do to help

Edited February 16, 2023 by saraha
Edit edit edit trying to get all of the good ideas in

[freesia]

I think that’s good. I think you should end with thank you for understanding like story girl suggested. 
 

I have no idea how you should tell your dh, though, bc I don’t know your dynamics. In my house I’d just tell dh I did it.  I think you have every right to do it. He may be upset at you, but that’s okay. I’d tell him that you felt it was right for the family to set a boundary with his sister. 

[saraha]

1 minute ago, freesia said:

I think that’s good. I think you should end with thank you for understanding like story girl suggested. 
 

I have no idea how you should tell your dh, though, bc I don’t know your dynamics. In my house I’d just tell dh I did it.  I think you have every right to do it. He may be upset at you, but that’s okay. I’d tell him that you felt it was right for the family to set a boundary with his sister. 

Thanks. Edited.

if I tell him he will be mad as he will feel like I went behind his back. Which I did. But I kind of don’t care right now. I know exactly what he will say. You know sil, that’s just how she is. You should have just let it go..

[AmandaVT]

I think your text sounds perfect. As for DH - I think you could tell him and also remind him that this affects you too, so you do have a say. Something like, "I appreciate that you would like to keep me out of the middle of this, but that I needed to make sure I were doing what's best for him and me too. And being stuck in the middle of SIL drama is not good for either of our mental health."

[freesia]

1 minute ago, saraha said:

Thanks. Edited.

if I tell him he will be mad as he will feel like I went behind his back. Which I did. But I kind of don’t care right now. I know exactly what he will say. You know sil, that’s just how she is. You should have just let it go..

In my house, I’d say, “I know that’s how you like to handle it. I get to handle my own relationship with SIL. I try to let things go when I can, bc I know that’s your preference. However, this time I wanted to handle it my way. ( I would also probably tell him that he should be happy I didn’t yell at her bc that’s what I real wanted to do—dh’s family are NOT yellers—and that he should give me credit for that instead of being upset with how so did handle it.)

[saraha]

Ok, I’m sending it. I know it shouldn’t be such a big deal to send a text. But I’m sending it before I lose my nerve.

thanks you guys for helping not sound unhinged

[Melissa in Australia]

Sending positive thoughts

[BusyMom5]

I'm so mad on his behalf!  I don't think his siblings realize that your family is having its own crisis right now, and you just can't manage their crisis, too.  My DH is very like yours, and he would be mad I sent a message.  Sometimes I pull the Wife Card.  I'd pull out all the stuff about the previous message and just focus on what is happening with your family right now.  

Hey guys, I wanted to keep you updated on DH.  I know he likes to downplay his pain and put on a happy face, but right now he is having a tough recovery.  He spends 18 hours a day in the dark, and the other hours asleep.  He cannot read or watch TV without a lot of strain.  The Drs aren't sure why he's still in pain, and they don't know if he will regain any eyesight.   This is very hard, physically and emotionally.  He would love to be helping out on the farm, and helping FIL and MIL,  but it just isn't possible right now.  Thank you for understanding. 

 

Love, Sarah

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

I'm glad you sent it

[saraha]

We’ll, that caused an immediate stir!

I sent the text like above with an edit and made sure I set the part where I called her out on her joke so it was super obvious. Sil responded immediately that she didn’t know it was that bad and she would pray for him. I didn’t respond to her. Dh’s brother sent a really long, very thoughtful, almost suck uppy text. He was all yeah, we know he doesn’t want to be a burden, thanks for sharing this, we love you guys, didn’t know it was all that please let us know how we can help, he just needs to focus on rest and recuperation etc. I just said “thanks dh’s brother “

Sil chimed back in Thanks for all the info. I really didn’t have a clear picture. He told me they couldn’t explain his pain and he had to rest two more weeks. 🙄

after I sent the text I told dh. I decided I was sorry, not sorry and if he wanted to be mad about it, I was ok with that. So I just sat on the floor next to his recliner and told him I had something to confess. I guess I was being so dramatic he was relieved I had only politely texted his siblings! 😉 I told him to go ahead and be mad, I was ready to take my lumps, but he just sighed and said thanks for not going nuclear. Is that why you were sitting in the driveway crying? One of the kids said they saw you. Little rats. About that time the texts started coming so I read him what I wrote and what they other’s said. He thought it wa funny that I thanked David for his kind text so his sister had to jump back in. She also texted asking if I could get him some books on tape 😆

So all I all it went well!

[Storygirl]

Way to go! I'm glad you did it, and I hope it makes a difference. I'm glad your husband was not angry about it. People really can't be expected to know things, if they are not told.

[saraha]

Thanks! I was more scared of dh being mad than of his siblings for sure.
She did admit he told her the doctors don’t know why he’s in pain and he’s supposed to rest two more weeks, so I’m not really cutting her any slack

 

Edited February 16, 2023 by saraha

[Melissa in Australia]

When I read your dh response post I could feel the waves of love your dh has for you

 

Hugs

Edited February 16, 2023 by Melissa in Australia

[JennyD]

Just catching up here, but well done, OP.  That was the perfect text to send, and I'm so glad that your DH didn't give you a hard time about it.  He is so lucky to have you on his side.  

I so hope your DH's medical situation improves very soon.  My heart goes out to you guys.

[freesia]

Yay!

[Corraleno]

I think you handed that perfectly Sarah, and I'm so glad your DH understood. Sending hugs!

 

[saraha]

Now that I’ve had a shower and calmed down. Thank you guys for helping me craft a text that didn’t have me saying something I would regret.  I’m pretty sure I took some of each response, so total group effort! I decided to leave in the part of calling sil out because honestly I am just sick to death of her. It wasn’t a joke, she was throwing that out there as a haha, dh if you are just hanging around anyway you could be helping out. Of all the nonsense she has spouted in the last 24 years, I felt like this was an ok thing to call out. And true to form, she wasn’t sorry. She didn’t offer to help. She even admitted that she knew he was in inexplicable pain and supposed to be resting. But now it’s out there and she knows I’m watching and unless she starts just texting dh, dh’s brother knows too. Everyone is on the same page about where I am at, and. That it is ME calling the shots right now. 
 

I am so very very grateful for all of you and the hive. The fact that someone on here can have a cry for help immediately answered is a gift I am so very thankful for. You guys are the best.

[saraha]

20 minutes ago, Corraleno said:

I think you handed that perfectly Sarah, and I'm so glad your DH understood. Sending hugs!

 

That or haha, he knew the cat was already out of the bag and it could have been worse, and nothing he could do about it

[Harriet Vane]

Drawing boundaries is a good thing. Good for you for handling this like a boss.

[Terabith]

No wonder she doesn't want to pay anyone a living wage for helping with MIL if she thinks it can be done by someone who is resting.  Does she not see how much work MIL is?

I'm so sorry for your situation, saraha.  This is just awful.  Your poor dh, too!

[saraha]

5 minutes ago, Terabith said:

No wonder she doesn't want to pay anyone a living wage for helping with MIL if she thinks it can be done by someone who is resting.  Does she not see how much work MIL is?

I'm so sorry for your situation, saraha.  This is just awful.  Your poor dh, too!

I’ve decided she’s an idiot

[Terabith]

1 minute ago, saraha said:

I’ve decided she’s an idiot

That's a very charitable interpretation of her actions.