I guess I need to host Thanksgiving...

[theelfqueen]

My mom asked if "we" are doing Thanksgiving at my house... but we means not just us and my parents- it means my brothers and their families and my aunt and uncle and my cousin's family and usually SIL's mom and aunt too... I've hosted the last couple of years. Honestly it's the only way I CAN participate due to family allergies and my allergy-induced asthma (smoking, and pets in family residences)...  plus there are some complicated family dynamics in play. And I'm this introvert who hosts these things because I feel it's expected and necessary but they stress me out and exhaust me. And I was thinking of skipping out by volunteering to feed the needy instead. 

My mom doesn't want to host (and while she does host a XMas Eve get together (that we skip due to my desire to breathe conflicting with my parents' smoking habits) that isn't a sit down at tables event and they don't really have the space in their house.

My cousin who has hosted in the past sold his house and his family is living with his parents - so he and aunt and uncle (who used to host) are both out for hosting. Brothers both live in small houses with pets and smoking. SiL's mom is disabled and can't do these things ... so it's - either I host or they're all disappointed. 

So I guess I've talked myself into it.... but I really don't want to. 

Uggghhhhh 

[prairiewindmomma]

You could always just have Pie Saturday…everyone gets together for pie but you don’t have to host a full meal for everyone.

[theelfqueen]

I'd be happy to make them all a meal if I wasn't then expected to attend...

[YaelAldrich]

1 minute ago, theelfqueen said:

I'd be happy to make them all a meal if I wasn't then expected to attend...

Isn't that what being busy in the kitchen is for? 

[theelfqueen]

Just now, YaelAldrich said:

Isn't that what being busy in the kitchen is for? 

My Floorplan is too open... everyone expects me to interact lol 

[YaelAldrich]

Can your family run interference while you busy yourself in the kitchen?  That's one reason why I hate open floor plans....

[Anne]

Announce after the meal that you are going for a walk and then go.

Spend a lot of time in the bathroom.  :=)

Would some kind of structured activity help, like watching a movie or playing a game?

 

[Spryte]

Oops, I see it’s already been suggested, but I’m going to second or third pie Saturday!

Volunteer to feed the needy or whatever you had planned, and then host a dessert and coffee date, with games or without for the family.

That is now my holiday go-to. I love it! So stress relief with all the allergy issues!

Edited November 8, 2022 by Spryte

[prairiewindmomma]

If you truly don’t want to, don’t. We spent a lot of years hosting for similar reasons, and while part of me misses it, part of me is so dang relieved every year that those days are done. Your comment about being happy to make the food as long as you don’t have to attend makes me think you have some solid history behind your feelings of not wanting to host. Hugs!!

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry - I hosted every year for so long (dh did the turkey), and I started dreading Thanksgiving in September, and the stress didn't end until everything was cleaned up two days afterwards.  It took me five years to stop hating thanksgiving after we stopped hosting dh's family.

can you suggest a potluck?  and outside venue? a restaurant?   It's a lot of work - and you hosted the last two years.  Don't allow yourself to be guilted into doing something you don't want to do.

[heartlikealion]

1 hour ago, theelfqueen said:

My mom asked if "we" are doing Thanksgiving at my house... but we means not just us and my parents- it means my brothers and their families and my aunt and uncle and my cousin's family and usually SIL's mom and aunt too... I've hosted the last couple of years. Honestly it's the only way I CAN participate due to family allergies and my allergy-induced asthma (smoking, and pets in family residences)...  plus there are some complicated family dynamics in play. And I'm this introvert who hosts these things because I feel it's expected and necessary but they stress me out and exhaust me. And I was thinking of skipping out by volunteering to feed the needy instead. 

My mom doesn't want to host (and while she does host a XMas Eve get together (that we skip due to my desire to breathe conflicting with my parents' smoking habits) that isn't a sit down at tables event and they don't really have the space in their house.

My cousin who has hosted in the past sold his house and his family is living with his parents - so he and aunt and uncle (who used to host) are both out for hosting. Brothers both live in small houses with pets and smoking. SiL's mom is disabled and can't do these things ... so it's - either I host or they're all disappointed. 

So I guess I've talked myself into it.... but I really don't want to. 

Uggghhhhh 

What a coincidence. You don't want to host, either!

"No, I wasn't planning on it." 

[mommyoffive]

29 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

I'm sorry - I hosted every year for so long (dh did the turkey), and I started dreading Thanksgiving in September, and the stress didn't end until everything was cleaned up two days afterwards.  It took me five years to stop hating thanksgiving after we stopped hosting dh's family.

can you suggest a potluck?  and outside venue? a restaurant?   It's a lot of work - and you hosted the last two years.  Don't allow yourself to be guilted into doing something you don't want to do.

i agree

[marbel]

I'm with others who suggest a dessert get-together on Saturday, or maybe a leftovers potluck on Friday - everyone can bring what they made (labeled for allergens) to set out for sharing.  

It isn't your responsibility to assure that all of your family members are not disappointed by -- what will they be disappointed by?  Missing a huge turkey dinner made by someone who is not them? Not having hours of hanging out together?  

I mean, I  understand the desire to spend (some) time around family. I haven't had family nearby in years and still miss it sometimes. But then I don't, because of the cats and the arguments and the extreme extroverts who push their version of fun on everyone else. 

I hope you are able to work out a good plan that doesn't leave you in charge and exhausted. 

ETA: And I totally get the desire to hang out and hide in the kitchen, but yes an open floor plan makes that so much harder. Being able to disappear into the kitchen during any sort of gathering at my house has always been a life-saver to me. Even when I have wanted to host, and enjoy it, I need my break every little while.

Edited November 8, 2022 by marbel

[heartlikealion]

If it helps at all, my family (me, my dad, my aunt and kids) are just going to eat at Golden Corral this year. Everyone is on board. There's a location about midway between our cities. No dirty dishes, whoo! 

[Indigo Blue]

Op, I feel you. Your post reminds me of  the days of putting up with heavy smoking, crass humor, and general weirdness. At least I’ve never had to host, though. Still, this time of year gets really weird here for me. Every year.

If things were up to me, I’d banish this whole idea that people (mostly women) feel this suffocating pressure to bend and make the entire extended family happy. I’m mad on your behalf that you are in this position. 
 

I live an hour away from everyone on my side of the family. They will never drive to have anything here. Solved. (Well, except for my dad. When mom stopped hosting (with food) he told me several times it was now my responsibility to take over and make Thanksgiving dinner at my house and host. Nipped. That. Right. In. Bud. That whole mess of never knowing what is going to happen from one moment to the next -crassness-toxic comments-just under the surface about to blow anger-and lots more is not coming to or happening at my house). 
 

But dad’s comments about it’s now “my responsibility to take over “. Just expectations placed based on gender. 
 

My mom bitterly complains about the holidays even though she doesn’t host and hasn’t hosted for several years now. She still complains, but then she invites us to “just visit with no food”. Then my dad shows up (they are divorced). So even with just that, we still have complaining, crass humor, and dysfunctional behavior. At least there is no longer any smoking! 
 

I just don’t know what to do or think about any of it anymore, and I’ve stopped trying and I’ve stopped caring. My mom started the traditional yearly complaining about a month ago. Even though she doesn’t do anything. I give up. 
 

I really hate that I feel this way. I otherwise love the holidays. And we do have a nice time with just Dh and the boys. I just have to keep my negative emotions to myself and keep the visits to family short. 

I really really wish you didn’t have to do all that if you don’t want to. 😕

I guess you can tell this triggers me. 
 

 

[catz]

"Mom, I realize I overextended myself this year and we just need to have a quiet holiday at home.  I'd love to host everyone for dessert on X day.  How is your week going?"

It really is ok to say no and not to take questions or comments on the WHY.  Especially with adult kids coming home.  My college student is coming home late the night before thanksgiving and is hoping to sleep in late and hang out in pjs all day and eat his favorites if we can convince my DH to stay home.  

[Dianthus]

I'll commiserate. I am hosting 20 and I don't want to. I don't have space. I'll have to move my living room furniture and set up 2 tables in half of my living room to accommodate everyone. My nephews eat so much, I know I'll just be constantly refilling the appetizer trays and punch bowl. I'm sick now (see covid thread) so can't even think logistics, just one big ugh. 

Eta: But I'll probably end up having a good time. I usually do. It's just so much to think about. And it's my turn, I suppose. And better now than at Christmas.

Edited November 8, 2022 by Dianthus

[itsheresomewhere]

Are you sure you aren’t feeling like you might be sick/have an unexpected trip/mental health day coming up?  I definitely think there is one coming up for you.
 

Sorry family, we can do a dessert get together or nothing.  

 

[Grace Hopper]

I’m hosting this year, but only the people I really want to host on Thanksgiving Day. There’s another gathering over the weekend at another relative’s house, that’s not a sit down dinner, for all who want to attend. 
 

I’ve hosted 25 before, but now that the younger generation has spouses and even kids of their own, it makes sense to keep the major meal separate and then have another get together where they can visit and/or play more casually.
 

OP, I don’t think it’s too late in the game for you to renege, gracefully as suggested above. Have your own nuclear family for a full meal and then just have others bring dessert to share that evening or later in the weekend. 
 

I am not yet in the When I Am Old I Shall Wear Purple category, but I am old enough to comfortably state what I can and cannot do. It’s liberating.  

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that it’s rare and valuable to gather like that.

I encourage you to think of ways to make it more enjoyable.

Personally, I like to cook but I hate to be frazzled.  So I try to do a crazy amount of stuff in advance, so that things are calm on the day of the party.  I make sure that the only last minute obligations are to finish the pan gravy and carve and serve.  I even brew the coffee in advance and then microwave it at the party.  I hate to clean up but DH likes it, so I’m good there, but if not I would probably stack everything up and get some hired help in to deal with it in the morning.

[Dianthus]

10 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I think that it’s rare and valuable to gather like that.

I encourage you to think of ways to make it more enjoyable.

Personally, I like to cook but I hate to be frazzled.  So I try to do a crazy amount of stuff in advance, so that things are calm on the day of the party.  I make sure that the only last minute obligations are to finish the pan gravy and carve and serve.  I even brew the coffee in advance and then microwave it at the party.  I hate to clean up but DH likes it, so I’m good there, but if not I would probably stack everything up and get some hired help in to deal with it in the morning.

Exactly.

I've been thinking of everything I can have done ahead of time and realize that it's a lot. And everyone will bring something too, I just have to decide what. I was looking at some fancier disposable cups on Amazon so the dishwasher isn't filled. Still considering that though kind of a frivolous expense.

[Jaybee]

Several options: 

You can say you just aren't up to it this year.

You can say that everyone is invited for appetizers and desserts from 5pm-8pm. We used to really enjoy having several families of friends over, but one family consistently wanted to do this instead. We have adopted this plan, and it is so much less stressful! So each family has their own dinner at home. But we save any appetizers and desserts for the evening, and share those in a a late afternoon/evening get-together and play games, etc.

You can do something along the lines of @Carol in Cal.'s plan and do lots ahead of time. We buy paper Thanksgiving plates (or Chinet), napkins, and cups if we have a crowd. I roast the turkey (and ham if we have it) on Wednesday, dh carves it, and we put it in the fridge to be heated on a platter in the microwave the day of. I make the rolls up and freeze them unbaked. I make sweet potato casserole and freeze it, and also do mashed potatoes ahead of time https://www.bettycrocker.com/recipes/homemade-make-ahead-mashed-potatoes/907d6ced-69bb-4197-bea7-062a5d6f8b30, I make and freeze pies and cookies. Ahead of Thanksgiving week, I make out a menu, and then make out a schedule of what I will do when. That way, I don't have any one day that is too full. And years ago, dh started the tradition that after the meal, the men and boys do the dishes--the women have to leave the kitchen and go sit down (or whatever they prefer to do).

ETA: And yes, if you do decide to host, make a signup list for foods. You can put down specific dishes, or you can do categories (green vegetable, yellow vegetable, etc.) or both. Or do a real potluck, such as "We'll provide the turkey and rolls, please bring sides and desserts." With a large crowd, there is no reason you should have to do most of the cooking--just the things that are hardest to transport, perhaps.

Edited November 9, 2022 by Jaybee

[Carol in Cal.]

Oh yeah, definitely encourage people to bring stuff.  Personally I don’t request that but if someone offers I always have several options to suggest—wine, rolls and butter, appetizers, salad, veggies, desserts.  I insist nicely on people telling me what they will bring if they do offer so that I can count on it.  And I make a point of publicly recognizing the dishes from other folks, which is a nice thank you and also gives others the idea that they, too, could offer.

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, catz said:

"Mom, I realize I overextended myself this year and we just need to have a quiet holiday at home.  I'd love to host everyone for dessert on X day.  How is your week going?"

It really is ok to say no and not to take questions or comments on the WHY.  Especially with adult kids coming home.  My college student is coming home late the night before thanksgiving and is hoping to sleep in late and hang out in pjs all day and eat his favorites if we can convince my DH to stay home.  

Not only is it OK -   it's also NOT *open for discussion*!   Once you give a reason why you can't, it is seen as nothing but a wedge for why your "reason" just isn't good enough of an "excuse".
Just - pass the bean dip . . . 

2 hours ago, Dianthus said:

I'll commiserate. I am hosting 20 and I don't want to. I don't have space. I'll have to move my living room furniture and set up 2 tables in half of my living room to accommodate everyone. My nephews eat so much, I know I'll just be constantly refilling the appetizer trays and punch bowl. I'm sick now (see covid thread) so can't even think logistics, just one big ugh. 

Eta: But I'll probably end up having a good time. I usually do. It's just so much to think about. And it's my turn, I suppose. And better now than at Christmas.

How terrible that someone in your house is testing positive for covid (wink wink, nudge nudge) and you won't be able to do it this year.  It's very considerate of you to make sure other family members are not exposed by your family.  You hope to be recovered for the holiday, but you can't guarantee it so you're letting them know now so they can make other plans.

 

Never mind me, I still have latent hard feelings at hosting dh's family for many years.   

[gardenmom5]

you know - this is a family gathering, EVERYONE should be bringing something.  

we did do it that way, I kept buying serving dishes and utensils, and there were still never enough.  I finally just required people bring a serving dish for their items because I only had so many.

dh would send out a "sign up" ahead of time.  He'd do the turkey and dressing. and rolls. * One single nephew brought a chocolate turkey for the three years Costco sold them.  that was always a hit on the appetizer table.

 

* I just stayed with a niece who has given up trying to make his rolls.  And this was after many phone calls, and him being on the phone with her while she mixed the dough giving her instructions! - it was learned she was using a glass pan in a gas oven (no, no, no, no, no!) - so she got a metal pan and baked them in a neighbor's electric oven.  The neighbor offered to eat them for her to make sure they were safe.  😜

[Ellie]

42 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

You can say that everyone is invited for appetizers and desserts from 5pm-8pm. We used to really enjoy having several families of friends over, but one family consistently wanted to do this instead. We have adopted this plan, and it is so much less stressful! So each family has their own dinner at home. But we save any appetizers and desserts for the evening, and share those in a a late afternoon/evening get-together and play games, etc.

See, appetizers and desserts from 5-8 I can go along with. Desserts on...Sunday? No. Then it isn't Thanksgiving, and that's the point: to do something *on Thanksgiving.*

And I'm over here in the middle of Texas looking for other orphans to invite to dinner on Thanksgiving because Mr. Ellie and I have no family here; they're all on either/both coasts.

[Bambam]

I suggested to my sister this year (typically she hosts because she has the best house for it, etc) that if she doesn't want to host, tell everyone to meet up at the Chinese Buffet place that everyone loves. And then everyone can go to their own home. 

If that doesn't work for your family (allergies), I'd make the meat and let folks bring the other stuff (if there was a dish my family loved that had to be made a special way - I'd make that too). 

But I'm also okay with saying, "That doesn't work for us this year". 

[marbel]

24 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

you know - this is a family gathering, EVERYONE should be bringing something.  

Right?

Making things ahead is fine, but it's still one person making everything ahead. Every family unit should be bringing something. It doesn't have to be homemade - a trip through Costco, Trader Joe's, or any decently-sized grocery store will reveal the wonders of pies and other desserts, breads, cheeses, even wine (unless one lives in a backward state like PA that has strict and outdated laws about who can sell liquor), prepared and easily-reheated potato dishes, etc. Leaving the host family to make the turkey and anything else the host family wanted, and felt able, to provide.  Then it can be a true feast for all, with all having a part in it, and not leaving one person exhausted from doing all the prep work for days on end. 

Edited November 9, 2022 by marbel

[Emba]

Can you (all pitch in to) rent a hall or something and have everyone bring a potluck dish? Then bring enough safe food that no one in your family will starve? And everyone pitches in to clean up at the venue? 
 

that’s what my moms family started doing after my grandmother died and no one wanted to host the whole thing themselves, of course, we always did potluck anyway (or assigned dishes or something, no one ever cooked the entire meal. But at the VFW hall no one has to do all of the pre-event housecleaning, and everyone pitched in to clean up the venue at the end. 

[ScoutTN]

7 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

You could always just have Pie Saturday…everyone gets together for pie but you don’t have to host a full meal for everyone.

This is an excellent idea! ❤️ Pie.

[gardenmom5]

16 minutes ago, marbel said:

Right?

Making things ahead is fine, but it's still one person making everything ahead. Every family unit should be bringing something. It doesn't have to be homemade - a trip through Costco, Trader Joe's, or any decently-sized grocery store will reveal the wonders of pies and other desserts, breads, cheeses, even wine (unless one lives in a backward state like PA that has strict and outdated laws about who can sell liquor), prepared and easily-reheated potato dishes, etc. Leaving the host family to make the turkey and anything else the host family wanted, and felt able, to provide.  Then it can be a true feast for all, with all having a part in it, and not leaving one person exhausted from doing all the prep work for days on end. 

There is STILL a lot of work, even if everyone brings a dish.

there's cleaning, setting up - before everyone comes.  Then serving while everyone is there.  Then washing up (one year, my sil got mad because I didn't bow and scrape in gratitude to her after she ran my dishwasher ONCE! - I ran it SIX MORE TIMES!, Not including everything that had to be washed by hand!), then moving all the furniture back, cleaning up - and cleaning and vacuuming again!   And the washing and ironing table linens . . . 

I also had years when others would help clean up, - and they'd take all the leftovers home themselves. (including the stuff we made.)

Edited November 9, 2022 by gardenmom5

[ScoutTN]

No, you do not need to host! Just don’t if you don’t want to. 
 

Suggest an alternative or let others figure out plan B.

Relax and enjoy a nice day with your own family. 

 

[marbel]

5 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

There is STILL a lot of work, even if everyone brings a dish.

Yes, that is true. I didn't think of that but yes, that needs to be taken into consideration. 

I have a pretty casual attitude toward cleanup. One year the dishwasher was broken and I put the rinsed-but-still-dirty dishes in a bin and we took 2 or 3 days to wash them all. (I'm sure some of you are disgusted by the idea of that but it worked out.) When people have come over and brought dishes, they took them home dirty. Or, sometimes I went into the kitchen to make more coffee, and while it was brewing, washed things for them. 

But the OP needs to do what works for her, if that's declining altogether, or doing something smaller at another time, or whatever. As the proposed host of the thing, she gets to decide. 

[Dianthus]

1 hour ago, ScoutTN said:

This is an excellent idea! ❤️ Pie.

It is. I hate turkey but pie is my thing.

[mom2scouts]

2 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

There is STILL a lot of work, even if everyone brings a dish.

there's cleaning, setting up - before everyone comes.  Then serving while everyone is there.  Then washing up (one year, my sil got mad because I didn't bow and scrape in gratitude to her after she ran my dishwasher ONCE! - I ran it SIX MORE TIMES!, Not including everything that had to be washed by hand!), then moving all the furniture back, cleaning up - and cleaning and vacuuming again!   And the washing and ironing table linens . . . 

I also had years when others would help clean up, - and they'd take all the leftovers home themselves. (including the stuff we made.)

Oh no! This just reminded me that I'm hosting Thanksgiving, my dishwasher is broken and won't be replaced before the holiday, and my family has never helped clean up after the meal.

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

Oh no! This just reminded me that I'm hosting Thanksgiving, my dishwasher is broken and won't be replaced before the holiday, and my family has never helped clean up after the meal.

Paper plates and plastic cups and utensils.