Urgent Covid Advice Needed - updated advice question in first and last post (repeated)

[Kassia]

Ds and his gf attended a big family party on Saturday (her side of the family - anti-vax/anti-mask).  Against my wishes, they came here to stay yesterday and just found out that someone at the party tested positive.  So, they were exposed on Saturday and have been home for 25 hours.  They offered to leave.  Is it too late at this point?  What should we do?  Do they stay because we've already been exposed?  I am so mad.  I knew this was going to happen but the rest of my family think I'm paranoid.

His gf is double vaxxed, no booster.

Ds had J&J with Moderna booster.

We are all boosted at home except dd (19) who had Pfizer more than 6 months ago.  

 

ETA:

 

Any advice on where to go from here with girlfriend after she left without saying goodbye?  I usually send a Happy New Year text on NYE.  I plan on doing that but don't even know if it's appropriate or how to navigate the relationship now.  She's caused some drama in the past but it's never been like this.  They packed up the car and she never came back inside to say goodbye.  I couldn't go outside because I can't walk.  I told ds1 to tell her I said goodbye.  😞  

 

I'm pretty angry about the whole situation but can't hold a grudge if I want to maintain a relationship with them.  I just don't know where to go from here.

 

I posted this at the bottom of the thread too...

 

Edited December 31, 2021 by Kassia

[regentrude]

Even if they got infected,  they may not yet be contagious since it was so recent. I would ask them to leave.

I hope you escape uninfected. Uggh.

Edited December 27, 2021 by regentrude

[KSera]

Do you have any tests? I don't think it's necessarily too late, but might be. If their tests are still negative today, they might not be infectious yet, even if they got infected. Can they get PCRs today? Like, go stay in an airBNB and get PCR tested? Although, maybe they might as well go home in that case. Actually, I just remembered your whole situation. Yes, I would have them leave. You need to not get sick and not have your dh sick if at all possible. I am so, so sorry it's gone down like this. I hope they didn't get infected and no one in your house does.

[Kassia]

Thank you.  I hate this so much.  😞  The rest of my family won't want them to leave and I'll be the bad guy.  Which was the situation in the first place.  If they don't end up getting infected, everyone will be mad at me.

 

 

 

[HomeAgain]

What's the current incubation time?  3 days?

I'd send them home and just monitor the rest of the house.  Probably also nag dd into making her booster appointment.

[Kassia]

Just now, KSera said:

Do you have any tests? I don't think it's necessarily too late, but might be. If their tests are still negative today, they might not be infectious yet, even if they got infected. Can they get PCRs today? Like, go stay in an airBNB and get PCR tested? Although, maybe they might as well go home in that case. Actually, I just remembered your whole situation. Yes, I would have them leave. You need to not get sick and not have your dh sick if at all possible. I am so, so sorry it's gone down like this. I hope they didn't get infected and no one in your house does.

I don't have any tests.  I had some but sent them back with dd to college during Thanksgiving break.  I am so upset.  

[Kassia]

Just now, HomeAgain said:

What's the current incubation time?  3 days?

I'd send them home and just monitor the rest of the house.  Probably also nag dd into making her booster appointment.

Dd refuses.  I don't know why.  I've begged her - even told her not to do it for herself but for everyone she's in contact with.  She refuses.  I don't know the incubation time but should.  

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

Thank you.  I hate this so much.  😞  The rest of my family won't want them to leave and I'll be the bad guy.  Which was the situation in the first place.  If they don't end up getting infected, everyone will be mad at me.

Worst case scenario if they leave: they don't end up sick and your family is mad at you. Compare to:

Worst case scenario if they stay: they are indeed infected, and your entire household ends up with Covid.

[Katy]

I’d ask them to leave.

[Kassia]

Thank you.  this hurts my heart and I am so so weary of the stress and tension this has caused.  

 

[Katy]

Just now, Kassia said:

Thank you.  this hurts my heart and I am so so weary of the stress and tension this has caused.  

 

Try not to let it stress you. This is a natural consequence of the choices they made, not your fault.

[Kassia]

They are eating dinner together right now!  The whole family.  I am sick about it.  I want to yell at them to get away from each other but I don't want to make them feel awful either.  If it were just ds I'd be okay but his gf will get offended.  Meanwhile they are all at the table eating and talking.  I am going to have a nervous breakdown.

[KSera]

8 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Thank you.  I hate this so much.  😞  The rest of my family won't want them to leave and I'll be the bad guy.  Which was the situation in the first place.  If they don't end up getting infected, everyone will be mad at me.

 

 

 

I'm so, so sorry. I feel terrible you've been put in this situation and people would have the gall to be mad at you in this situation. Everyone else should be feeling terrible for not having listened to your concerns and taken them seriously. One thing to keep in mind at least, in the hopefully unlikely event omicron shows up in your house is that most vaccinated people aren't having serious cases. It seems to mostly range from very mild to very unpleasant, but not serious. I don't want you to get it at all, but I'm hoping it might put you at some ease to know that even "worst case" of them getting it and bringing it to your house, it wouldn't necessarily end up a big deal for you. I'm just hoping for the best for you guys, though. If you PM me what part of the country you're in, I could get a rapid test to you if you're anywhere nearby. Long shot, I know. It's a big country.

eta: I feel your stress so much in your last post, and I hate that you're feeling that way! Are you able to take care of yourself at this point if you're alone? Could you be the one to go to an Air BnB? I can't get over how thoughtless they are being 😢.

Edited December 27, 2021 by KSera

[prairiewindmomma]

I would word it as, “Thank you for being so understanding. I wish we could spend more time together but odds are if you are infected you aren’t contagious yet. I am at risk for a serious disease course if I get covid. I am sorry our holiday together is being cut short.”

But, yeah, I’d be saying that with a mask on and holding the door open, iykwim…

[Harriet Vane]

I’m so sorry. I’m often the bad guy or the paranoid-one-who-was-right-all-along. It absolutely sucks. I agree—ask them to leave. Ventilate your house aggressively. Commit to gargling and saline nasal spray just in case they help.

[prairiewindmomma]

Reading again….I am sorry you are in this boat. Are you able to wear a good mask? 

[HomeAgain]

7 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Dd refuses.  I don't know why.  I've begged her - even told her not to do it for herself but for everyone she's in contact with.  She refuses.  I don't know the incubation time but should.  

I get it.  I couldn't have sense talked into me at 19, either. 🙂 It took everything I had to be nonchalant with ds22 about his.  Only when youngest ds got his allergic reaction to his did it jog something in ds22 to be proactive about keeping his brother as safe as possible. 

 

[JustEm]

4 minutes ago, Kassia said:

They are eating dinner together right now!  The whole family.  I am sick about it.  I want to yell at them to get away from each other but I don't want to make them feel awful either.  If it were just ds I'd be okay but his gf will get offended.  Meanwhile they are all at the table eating and talking.  I am going to have a nervous breakdown.

Id be tempted to just get my own Airbnb and let them all stew in their possible covid juices.

[Ailaena]

Everybody else is offering the best advice, I just want to say I’ve been following this and I am absolutely furious and heartbroken for you. I hate that literally every family member makes you feel like you’re paranoid or rolls their eyes (however internally) for doing the right thing to protect them.  The emotional toll that it takes to be in your position is tremendous and very real and I just...   I don’t even know what I want to do exactly, I just want to acknowledge your difficult position because your family may never do that.

 

[Terabith]

3 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Id be tempted to just get my own Airbnb and let them all stew in their possible covid juices.

I think that's not possible because of @Kassia's recent foot surgery that requires a lot of assistance.  

[Kassia]

will respond more later.  Gf is angry and offended now and insisting they leave in a huff.  I can't believe this.  

Thank you for all the responses.  I'll respond as soon as I can.

[Katy]

They should be in isolation for 5 days: https://www.cnn.com/2021/12/27/health/cdc-covid-quarantine-isolation-shortened-recommendation/index.html

[catz]

That is straight up just following recommended guidelines.  She is the one being ridiculous.  I know that is a delicate walk though with young adults.  I hope a few days at home stewing gets their heads on straight about it.  I know you are being kind and gracious about it as possible.  

I'm so sorry this happened.  It sounded like a bad set up but I was hoping you'd be lucky!  Sending hugs!

[Faith-manor]

6 minutes ago, Kassia said:

will respond more later.  Gf is angry and offended now and insisting they leave in a huff.  I can't believe this.  

Thank you for all the responses.  I'll respond as soon as I can.

I am so sorry! She is being REALLY immature! 

[BusyMom5]

Hugs- I'm going to be the voice of desent and say that if it were me, I'd let them stay and enjoy my Christmas.  Either my vaxes will work or they will not.  If you have an immune compromised person, my opinion would change.  I'm tired of letting fear of this virus run my life and affect my loved ones.  Mental health matters, too.  

[KSera]

5 minutes ago, Kassia said:

will respond more later.  Gf is angry and offended now and insisting they leave in a huff.  I can't believe this.  

Thank you for all the responses.  I'll respond as soon as I can.

I know this is easier said than done and I have a tendency myself to get wrapped up in my family members' emotional responses and feeling terrible myself as a result, but her being angry and offended and in a huff really is her problem and not yours. She is not being reasonable, and that is not your fault or responsibility. She can be in a huff, but you need to take care of you. Your ds really should be ashamed putting his mom in this position and right after surgery 😡.

[KSera]

1 minute ago, BusyMom5 said:

Hugs- I'm going to be the voice of desent and say that if it were me, I'd let them stay and enjoy my Christmas.  Either my vaxes will work or they will not.  If you have an immune compromised person, my opinion would change.  I'm tired of letting fear of this virus run my life and affect my loved ones.  Mental health matters, too.  

Kassia just had major foot reconstruction surgery and is dependent on her dh right now and can't afford for him to get sick and be unable to help her. I feel like there is another reason in addition that it's particularly something that would be a major hardship right now, but can't recsll the other reason now. Kassia's health and mental health are just as important as everyone else's.

[Faith-manor]

2 minutes ago, KSera said:

I know this is easier said than done and I have a tendency myself to get wrapped up in my family members' emotional responses and feeling terrible myself as a result, but her being angry and offended and in a huff really is her problem and not yours. She is not being reasonable, and that is not your fault or responsibility. She can be in a huff, but you need to take care of you. Your ds really should be ashamed putting his mom in this position and right after surgery 😡.

This! Shame on ds!! Shame on him.

Kassia, 💓💓💓

[Catwoman]

10 minutes ago, Kassia said:

will respond more later.  Gf is angry and offended now and insisting they leave in a huff.  I can't believe this.  

Thank you for all the responses.  I'll respond as soon as I can.

Well, she can just suck it up and deal with it.

She should be mortified that she may have exposed your entire family to Covid. I would be LIVID, and I don't think I would be at all concerned about offending her or anyone else in the family at this point. 

If everyone gets sick, guess who will be stuck with all the work and worry? YOU. And that's not fair. You have tried so hard to be careful, and you have gotten nothing but resistance and rudeness about it. You have every right and every reason to NOT be nice about any of this!!!

I am so angry with your family for treating you with such disrespect, and for being so cavalier about everyone's health -- including yours!

[Catwoman]

Just wanted to add -- I am so, so sorry this is happening to you! It's all of your Covid fears coming true, and your family made you helpless to avoid it. It's just not fair, and I feel awful for you. 😞 

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, KSera said:

Kassia just had major foot reconstruction surgery and is dependent on her dh right now and can't afford for him to get sick and be unable to help her. I feel like there is another reason in addition that it's particularly something that would be a major hardship right now, but can't recsll the other reason now.

Kassia's DH is also caring for MIL who has cancer and is immunocompromised.

So @BusyMom5: he absolutely cannot get sick right now, as Kassia is non-ambulatory for at least six weeks.

[JustEm]

17 minutes ago, Terabith said:

I think that's not possible because of @Kassia's recent foot surgery that requires a lot of assistance.  

That is right, I forgot about that.

[KSera]

6 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Kassia's DH is also caring for MIL who has cancer and is immunocompromised.

So @BusyMom5: he absolutely cannot get sick right now, as Kassia is non-ambulatory for at least six weeks.

That's right. I thought it was cancer related, but couldn't remember who had cancer.

@KassiaIs there any chance any of the preventatives would be available for you and your dh if ds and/or gf test positive? You seem like good candidates.

Edited December 27, 2021 by KSera

[HomeAgain]

32 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

Hugs- I'm going to be the voice of desent and say that if it were me, I'd let them stay and enjoy my Christmas.  Either my vaxes will work or they will not.  If you have an immune compromised person, my opinion would change.  I'm tired of letting fear of this virus run my life and affect my loved ones.  Mental health matters, too.  

Prudence and responsibility aren't fear.

Deciding not to take a chance on being out of commission for a month or more with long term illness is a conscious decision.  It is shameful to suggest that people acting responsibly are acting out of fear. 

You don't get bonus points for playing in traffic because only "fearful" people stay on the sidewalk.

[math teacher]

I'm so sorry you are being made to feel like the bad guy in this situation. I would be embarrassed if I thought I was exposing someone to illness of any kind, much more so with Covid.

They should have just said they were leaving instead of leaving the decision up to you!!

[MEmama]

@Kassia Everyone has offered such good advice but I just wanted to let you know that I share your anger and concerns. I wish you were local so I could…idk…leave a beautiful bouquet of flowers or something for you on your porch. Your hive family is here for you. Sending lots of love and socially distanced hugs your way…❤️

[Kassia]

Once again, I will reply later.  Just wanted to give an update and will come back in a bit.

They left - gf didn't even say goodbye.  Got in the car and took off.  I think DH is even disgusted now and he was torn.  I'm so angry that they put us in this position.  It should have been obvious to them that they needed to leave immediately to protect us but they told us to decide.  Ds1 was nice about it but he wasn't happy either - just said that's the way it goes.  No, that's the way it goes when you make stupid decisions and have to face the consequences.  

So now the rest of us are exposed and sad about the situation.  

Thank you all so much - I really didn't know what the right thing to do was.  I will come back with replies later.  You guys are the best.  ❤️ As always.

[Harriet Vane]

I am glad they left. Gf is being immature and irresponsible. 

Ventilate the house thoroughly. I pray this passes you by.

 

[Lucy the Valiant]

You are showing him how to graciously stick to your guns when you're right; aka still home schooling him (and her) for the future potential situation when HE is in YOUR shoes. 

((Hugs)) Fingers crossed that they come around fast & apologize. 

[Catwoman]

2 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I am glad they left. Gf is being immature and irresponsible. 

Ventilate the house thoroughly. I pray this passes you by.

 

Yes!!! This is exactly what I was going to say! Open all of the windows and air everything out, even if it's freezing cold outside. It will be worth it! And have your family members pitch in and spray everything with Lysol or Microban, and use Clorox Wipes on every surface you can reach. 

Also, if you can, close up whatever room they were staying in, and don't go in there for at least several days.

Your son's GF sounds like a real prize. 🤬

 

[Tiberia]

They offered to leave; you took them up on the offer. Why is GF so mad now? She is being childish. They forced you to make the decision and be the bad guy, in their eyes, but it really exposes their immaturity. Sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you and your household remain healthy, and you find a place of peace and joy this week. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, KSera said:

I'm so, so sorry. I feel terrible you've been put in this situation and people would have the gall to be mad at you in this situation. Everyone else should be feeling terrible for not having listened to your concerns and taken them seriously. I can't get over how thoughtless they are being 😢.

My family at home all seems to understand, thank goodness.  I agree that ds1 and his gf are being incredibly thoughtless and inconsiderate.  I felt that way before they came because of the situation and even more so now, obviously.

 

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

I get it.  I couldn't have sense talked into me at 19, either. 🙂 

 

Yep, she's 19 and invincible.  😞 It disappoints me that she won't do it for others.

 

1 hour ago, FuzzyCatz said:

That is straight up just following recommended guidelines.  She is the one being ridiculous.  I know that is a delicate walk though with young adults.  I hope a few days at home stewing gets their heads on straight about it.  I know you are being kind and gracious about it as possible.  

I'm so sorry this happened.  It sounded like a bad set up but I was hoping you'd be lucky!  Sending hugs!

I'm worried about our relationship going forward - this is causing a lot of ugly feelings I'm sure.  😞  

 

[KungFuPanda]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

will respond more later.  Gf is angry and offended now and insisting they leave in a huff.  I can't believe this.  

Thank you for all the responses.  I'll respond as soon as I can.

You did the right thing.  Some people aren't mature enough to appreciate that.  WE support you.  I'd be opening all of my windows and airing out the house. Hopefully a complete exchange of air and your vaccines will keep your household from getting sick.  I hope they don't actually get sick and can be all annoyed about your caution while everyone stays healthy.  It's HARD to be the Bad Cop.

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, KSera said:

I know this is easier said than done and I have a tendency myself to get wrapped up in my family members' emotional responses and feeling terrible myself as a result, but her being angry and offended and in a huff really is her problem and not yours. She is not being reasonable, and that is not your fault or responsibility. She can be in a huff, but you need to take care of you. Your ds really should be ashamed putting his mom in this position and right after surgery 😡.

I know.  I found I needed to reframe and not apologize for having them leave but I apologized for the situation.  That was the best I could do.  I shouldn't apologize at all - this was all due to their bad decisions.  And ds absolutely should be ashamed but he doesn't see it.  

 

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

This! Shame on ds!! Shame on him.

Kassia, 💓💓💓

Thank you.  I agree.  

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Well, she can just suck it up and deal with it.

She should be mortified that she may have exposed your entire family to Covid. I would be LIVID, and I don't think I would be at all concerned about offending her or anyone else in the family at this point. 

If everyone gets sick, guess who will be stuck with all the work and worry? YOU. And that's not fair. You have tried so hard to be careful, and you have gotten nothing but resistance and rudeness about it. You have every right and every reason to NOT be nice about any of this!!!

I am so angry with your family for treating you with such disrespect, and for being so cavalier about everyone's health -- including yours!

I would definitely be mortified but never would have been in this position in the first place because I wouldn't have knowingly put anyone at risk.  She did admit that they should have planned things differently but still left without saying goodbye or anything else.  Just packed up and left.  

Fortunately, my family at home is understanding so there are no hard feelings in my own home.  Sad and disappointed, but no anger or resentment.

 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, KSera said:

 

@KassiaIs there any chance any of the preventatives would be available for you and your dh if ds and/or gf test positive? You seem like good candidates.

I'll find out if they end up testing positive.  Thanks.

 

29 minutes ago, math teacher said:

I'm so sorry you are being made to feel like the bad guy in this situation. I would be embarrassed if I thought I was exposing someone to illness of any kind, much more so with Covid.

They should have just said they were leaving instead of leaving the decision up to you!!

I totally agree with everything here.  Thanks for the support.

 

29 minutes ago, MEmama said:

@Kassia Everyone has offered such good advice but I just wanted to let you know that I share your anger and concerns. I wish you were local so I could…idk…leave a beautiful bouquet of flowers or something for you on your porch. Your hive family is here for you. Sending lots of love and socially distanced hugs your way…❤️

Aw, that's so sweet.  The support I get here is absolutely overwhelming and so appreciated.

20 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I am glad they left. Gf is being immature and irresponsible. 

Ventilate the house thoroughly. I pray this passes you by.

 

We are ventilating and I agree about gf and also my own ds1, unfortunately.  He was nicer about it but doesn't seem to care or understand the risk.

 

16 minutes ago, Lucy the Valiant said:

 

((Hugs)) Fingers crossed that they come around fast & apologize. 

That will never happen.  They really don't get it.  Just today ds1 told me that there wasn't much exposure because he spent most of the time at the party only talking to one person.  As if that meant he was only exposed to that one person.  He's almost 31 and very smart - how can he not get this?

[Kassia]

6 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

You did the right thing.  Some people aren't mature enough to appreciate that.  WE support you.  I'd be opening all of my windows and airing out the house. Hopefully a complete exchange of air and your vaccines will keep your household from getting sick.  I hope they don't actually get sick and can be all annoyed about your caution while everyone stays healthy.  It's HARD to be the Bad Cop.

Thank you. We are ventilating.  

 

[Kassia]

Just wanted to give you all the BIGGEST thank you for the advice and support.  It helped me make the decision and also feel confident about it so I don't feel tremendous guilt.  

You guys are the best, really.  Sending big big virtual hugs.  

[Harriet Vane]

I have some dear ones in my life who don’t get the hype either. Vaccinated and boostered but think I am always overboard. I get it. Unfortunately some people don’t get it until they see the dreadful consequences personally. 

[Spryte]

What a nightmare! And worse because you saw it coming, oh my goodness. I am so, so sorry.

Just adding my voice to the chorus of support. Wishing we lived closer and could drop off goodies and extra tests, and shower you with tangible support (socially distanced and masked!).

Hugs!

[Kassia]

11 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I have some dear ones in my life who don’t get the hype either. Vaccinated and boostered but think I am always overboard. I get it. Unfortunately some people don’t get it until they see the dreadful consequences personally. 

That's exactly what it is.  I don't think they mean to be inconsiderate and selfish.  They just don't get it.  My friend's DH (double vaxxed and boosted) is very sick right now with covid and they seemed baffled that he got sick with the booster.  Even after knowing that, they still thought they should stay here.  

 

7 minutes ago, Spryte said:

What a nightmare! And worse because you saw it coming, oh my goodness. I am so, so sorry.

Just adding my voice to the chorus of support. Wishing we lived closer and could drop off goodies and extra tests, and shower you with tangible support (socially distanced and masked!).

Hugs!

Yes, that's the worse.  I was so stressed and upset about it before they came - both the situation and their attitude.  And then I was right and they still didn't get it.  So now we've possibly been exposed and they are mad at us.  

I kept telling DH that it was wrong that we couldn't stay safe in our own home.  

Meanwhile, ds2 has made SO many sacrifices while he's been home to keep us safe.  I feel very bad about it but appreciate that he's doing it for us.  

Stupid Covid ruins absolutely everything.  

Edited December 28, 2021 by Kassia