Are slow text responses weird to others? Or just me?

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

I think you're overthinking this. The way she conducts her life probably has nothing to do with her feelings for you.

I will say that if a friend said anything like that to me, about having plenty of free time and good internet, so why aren't I texting quicker? I'd take several large steps back from that relationship.  The only people to whom I owe an accounting of my time are the people who live in this house. 

I don’t think Quill was even particularly thinking that about her friend...just relay8mg back the possibilities others here have suggested.

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

what’s wrong with this? It falls within appropriate boundary-setting, which so many have advocated in countless past threads. (Please read my tone as non-argumentative - just trying to explain.)

I know some advocate that, and with some people (MILS? Church ladies? Nosy neighbor?) that might be necessary. I think with a friend, it seems manipulative, personally. It seems like one is bending the friendship to suit themselves. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I was making a contrast to the friend regentrude said lives off-grid. I’m saying: that’s not the case with this person. She has internet, she has nice phones, she doesn’t work in an Emergency Room, she doesn’t have fourteen kids. I don’t make demands on friends for how soon they should text back; rather, I am tremendously insecure about whether people do actually like me or they are just barely tolerating me. Hence, my poll. What *does* it mean when someone texts you back a day later, but they don’t live in an Alaskan homestead? 

From this thread, I learned that the answer could, in fact, be: I’m training you not to bother texting me, because I don’t want you to think I am actually available. 

Yes!  Which is weird I think. I don’t need to be trained. 

[marbel]

Would it be different if instead of "training" people had said "set expectations?" 

I get relationship insecurity; if I had any IRL friends right now I'd be insecure myself. I think basing relationship security on how quickly someone responds to a text is a sure way to continue to feel insecure. 

But if the topic is really about being the one to initiate contact all the time, and the other person not being responsive, I get that too.  That has happened to me, pre-texting-era, and it stinks.  

[SanDiegoMom]

I lost a very good friend because I did not text the way she expected me to.  Or rather, she handled criticizing my texting rather badly, and I handled her criticism very badly, and then she cut me out.  What I did wrong?  I did not respond quickly enough to anything she sent. Usually I responded rather quickly to actual conversation, but when she sent videos or memes I think she expected to watch it right away, or that day, and then respond back.  I just don't. I hate when people send me video links and often it takes me two to three days to watch them and then respond.  I stress about my response.  Sometimes I go a day or two because I have a lot to say but I want to say it the right way and I don't have the energy. So that means my very closest friends might wait a day or two for a response.   And they don't mind if I don't send an "I'm thinking about my response right now" text because they usually do the same.   

Quick texters terrify me.  Sometimes it takes a lot to organize my thoughts enough to write a text.  Sometimes I might have a spare moment here or there but I want to give it more energy so I wait.  

What would decide it more is not the length of time it takes to get a response, but the substance of the response.  My texts with my friends are often long running conversations and we cover a lot of ground.  We send advice, hugs, pictures, and stories over text.  If you are getting very little from your friend, and don't see her irl and/or have phone conversations, then she might be not really a friend. But if you are judging her friendship on the speed of her reply, that's not quite fair.  Anxiety, Adhd, depression, just plain insecurity can affect one's ability to text to a timeline.   

[Shoeless]

 

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I would say, “Maybe an answer isn’t there, but probably.” 😉

 

Have you tried just talking to your friend? You'll probably get a much clearer idea on their feelings toward you if you talk to them, rather than look for secret meaning in their texting response time. 

I mean, maybe they don't like you? Maybe they do? I can't tell because I don't know the history of your relationship with them. I'm betting they do like you, but they just don't text as often as you want. So maybe you need a different type of friend, one that texts with the same frequency as you.  It seems like you need some validation from this friend, but texting isn't providing it. Try a different approach, perhaps? 

23 minutes ago, Quill said:

I know some advocate that, and with some people (MILS? Church ladies? Nosy neighbor?) that might be necessary. I think with a friend, it seems manipulative, personally. It seems like one is bending the friendship to suit themselves. 

There are a lot of reasons why someone might not respond right away, ranging from "chronically scatterbrained" to "passive-aggressively displaying their dislike for the sender". I didn't realize going into this thread that it was about a specific situation. Is the texting issue the *only* reason you doubt the friendship?

[SanDiegoMom]

I have one more story.  My oldest daughter has adhd.  She also has social anxiety. It makes it very hard to text people because first she forgets to text them back (adhd), and then she feels guilt, and then she worries that it's been too long and she has to write MORE to make up for it, and that takes effort and time and she puts it off, and then it becomes a mountain of guilt and anxiety and she is ready to never see that person again because she feels SO BAD.  Maybe this person is not like that. But there are people out there like this, and having people cut them out of their life because they see speed of texting as a proxy for how much they care in a relationship just contributes to an even larger mountain of guilt and anxiety they are carrying around. 

[maize]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I was making a contrast to the friend regentrude said lives off-grid. I’m saying: that’s not the case with this person. She has internet, she has nice phones, she doesn’t work in an Emergency Room, she doesn’t have fourteen kids. I don’t make demands on friends for how soon they should text back; rather, I am tremendously insecure about whether people do actually like me or they are just barely tolerating me. Hence, my poll. What *does* it mean when someone texts you back a day later, but they don’t live in an Alaskan homestead? 

From this thread, I learned that the answer could, in fact, be: I’m training you not to bother texting me, because I don’t want you to think I am actually available. 

Hopefully you also learned that there might be no meaning behind it other than this is not a person who regularly responds immediately to texts; maybe not a person who habitually looks at texts when they come in or even every day.

I don't have my phone set to notify me when texts come in. It's just not how I function. Has nothing whatsoever to do with my attitude towards any individual who may text me.

[Scarlett]

I have a friend that I am close to.she is very very ill.  So when I text her to,check on her...and she doesn’t answer for 12 hours at first I think ok maybe she is having a bad day and is sleeping in.....then in the next 12 hours I start to worry....so,I send a follow up.....are you ok?   And the if it goes longer I start to get annoyed that I can’t get a simple ‘ I am ok’.  Because probably if she is not ok and has gone to the ER I will hear.....so I think am I real”y so unimportant of a person CHECKING ON YOU that you can’t respond I am ok, having a rough day.  

[Amy Gen]

6 minutes ago, SanDiegoMom said:

I hate when people send me video links and often it takes me two to three days to watch them and then respond.  I stress about my response. 

I absolutely refuse to watch the random videos friends send me. 
 

Also what you describe your oldest daughter going through regarding texts is exactly what my friend said she goes through, so for her, a late reply means that she is caring too much, not too little. 

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

 

Have you tried just talking to your friend? You'll probably get a much clearer idea on their feelings toward you if you talk to them, rather than look for secret meaning in their texting response time. 

I mean, maybe they don't like you? Maybe they do? I can't tell because I don't know the history of your relationship with them. I'm betting they do like you, but they just don't text as often as you want. So maybe you need a different type of friend, one that texts with the same frequency as you.  It seems like you need some validation from this friend, but texting isn't providing it. Try a different approach, perhaps? 

There are a lot of reasons why someone might not respond right away, ranging from "chronically scatterbrained" to "passive-aggressively displaying their dislike for the sender". I didn't realize going into this thread that it was about a specific situation. Is the texting issue the *only* reason you doubt the friendship?

No. 

Setting it as a general question was intentional. I regret clarifying it, in fact. I can’t say more about it. 

[SanDiegoMom]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I have a friend that I am close to.she is very very ill.  So when I text her to,check on her...and she doesn’t answer for 12 hours at first I think ok maybe she is having a bad day and is sleeping in.....then in the next 12 hours I start to worry....so,I send a follow up.....are you ok?   And the if it goes longer I start to get annoyed that I can’t get a simple ‘ I am ok’.  Because probably if she is not ok and has gone to the ER I will hear.....so I think am I real”y so unimportant of a person CHECKING ON YOU that you can’t respond I am ok, having a rough day.  

Well and that is very different from a lot of other, less fraught text exchanges.  I would have different expectations from a text like that, just as if I text my mom I know I will get something back within the hour or two and then start to worry if I don't. Our texts are usually short because we talk on the phone more.  But my friend who is homeschooling two kids and cooks and cleans and has an active social life --  I expect at least half a day to sometimes 2-3 days.  And we write a different type of text.  One word answers, questions like what is your address, or what is your daughter's email address -- I expect a couple of hours only for a response.  A general how are things going, is this a good week for you guys would need a few days because she would prefer to write a long response with actual information than just a "things are great here".  

[Clemsondana]

This is interesting because it is so outside of my experience.  I'll be the first to say that I am not a 'girlfriend' kind of person - I've never had a friend that I hung out with all the time and was in and out of their house constantly.  But, I do have people who have been a part of my life for many years and other people that I keep up with and see weekly through activities.  With my far-flung friends, one of us usually makes contact at some point and then the other writes back a week or more later.  I had one friend say that she saved my message for a day that she knew she'd be home and have time to savor it and then write a long reply.  We usually do it by email and write epistles...and may not communicate again for months. 

I have another friend from college who has some drama in her life.  Sometimes she messages and wants to chat - usually it ends up being at night and I always make time for her as soon as I can because she's dealing with stuff.  When I send a random 'checking on you' message I may hear back quickly, or in a few weeks...one never knows.  Sometimes her delay is business and sometimes she's just overwhelmed and doesn't know what to say.

I also sometimes write people who area dealing with a thing and I usually say 'don't feel any pressure to respond unless it suits to do it' because I know that they're probably getting 100 'thinking of you' messages and I don't want to add to their stress.  Sometimes they write back, sometimes I get looped into a group update, and sometimes I hear from somebody else who has been asked to update us.   And, sometimes I send random 'thinking of you' notes to people just because they crossed my mind and I figured it would brighten their day.  If I don't hear back, I assume it's because they are busy.  I only get frustrated if I'm trying to confirm plans and don't hear back - I don't like schedule limbo.  But, chat limbo is sort of the norm, even for friends who have flown to see me or driven hours out of the way to detour by my house.  

Edited November 23, 2020 by Clemsondana

[Scarlett]

Just now, SanDiegoMom said:

Well and that is very different from a lot of other, less fraught text exchanges.  I would have different expectations from a text like that, just as if I text my mom I know I will get something back within the hour or two and then start to worry if I don't. Our texts are usually short because we talk on the phone more.  But my friend who is homeschooling two kids and cooks and cleans and has an active social life --  I expect at least half a day to sometimes 2-3 days.  And we write a different type of text.  One word answers, questions like what is your address, or what is your daughter's email address -- I expect a couple of hours only for a response.  A general how are things going, is this a good week for you guys would need a few days because she would prefer to write a long response with actual information than just a "things are great here".  

And I do think each relationship has to be considered independently.  My ill friend...although I do worry about her and also get worried when she doesn’t answer for an entire day.....I still give her grace because I do believe  she loves me, cares for me and values me.   If I did not know those things....it would be much more difficult to deal with. 

[Ausmumof3]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

I was making a contrast to the friend regentrude said lives off-grid. I’m saying: that’s not the case with this person. She has internet, she has nice phones, she doesn’t work in an Emergency Room, she doesn’t have fourteen kids. I don’t make demands on friends for how soon they should text back; rather, I am tremendously insecure about whether people do actually like me or they are just barely tolerating me. Hence, my poll. What *does* it mean when someone texts you back a day later, but they don’t live in an Alaskan homestead? 

From this thread, I learned that the answer could, in fact, be: I’m training you not to bother texting me, because I don’t want you to think I am actually available. 

It means they’re a kind of scatter brained friend who likes you a lot but completely forgot to check or reply to their texts 😆  At least in my case anyway.  Hopefully I’m not inadvertently giving anyone the message that I don’t like them by not getting around to checking texts for 24 hours!

[Amy Gen]

23 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I have a friend that I am close to.she is very very ill.  So when I text her to,check on her...and she doesn’t answer for 12 hours at first I think ok maybe she is having a bad day and is sleeping in.....then in the next 12 hours I start to worry....so,I send a follow up.....are you ok?   And the if it goes longer I start to get annoyed that I can’t get a simple ‘ I am ok’.  Because probably if she is not ok and has gone to the ER I will hear.....so I think am I real”y so unimportant of a person CHECKING ON YOU that you can’t respond I am ok, having a rough day.  

This may not apply to your friend, but when I was really ill, I missed a bunch of messages. I don’t think I read them and forgot. I just found an email from months ago that I never even saw, and I’m sure the author thinks she didn’t even rank a reply. I have to apologize to her tomorrow. 
 

For me, my health issues really impacted my ability to reply in a timely manner and I’m the person who always tries to reply immediately. I WANT my friends to feel like I’m here day or night for them, but that is only because I’ve already gotten rid of everyone with boundary issues.  

[Ausmumof3]

33 minutes ago, maize said:

Hopefully you also learned that there might be no meaning behind it other than this is not a person who regularly responds immediately to texts; maybe not a person who habitually looks at texts when they come in or even every day.

I don't have my phone set to notify me when texts come in. It's just not how I function. Has nothing whatsoever to do with my attitude towards any individual who may text me.

I think for those of us with some executive function issues this is basically a life saver. 

[Ausmumof3]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I think there is a type of person who makes a point of not responding to electronic communications immediately.  And they seem proud of it.  Oh I am just not the type to check my messages very often.  Hmm.  Well ok then.  I will be sure to not depend on you to do so.  
 

And I think if I text a friend....regardless of how trivial a matter it is....and she doesn’t respond for a day or more.....that she is not interested in maintaining a friendship with me.  To me it is the equivalent of seeing a friend in the grocery store and have her turn and avoid me.  If she is in a hurry, in person or on text, a quick, hi I can’t talk right now, I will get back with you later.  
 

Shrug.  I know we are not all the same.  But we should know that our actions or lack of do affect people.  

That just sounds exhausting to me.  Even those of us who aren’t in paid employment are often busy.  I would never turn to avoid someone in the grocery store even a close friend but I will frequently go a while without getting back to texts.  

[katilac]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I have a friend that I am close to.she is very very ill.  So when I text her to,check on her...and she doesn’t answer for 12 hours at first I think ok maybe she is having a bad day and is sleeping in.....then in the next 12 hours I start to worry....so,I send a follow up.....are you ok?   And the if it goes longer I start to get annoyed that I can’t get a simple ‘ I am ok’.  Because probably if she is not ok and has gone to the ER I will hear.....so I think am I real”y so unimportant of a person CHECKING ON YOU that you can’t respond I am ok, having a rough day.  

If she is very, very ill . . . and you know you will hear about if she goes to the ER . . . can you not just assume that she is indeed having a rough day if she doesn't answer? If asking her if she's okay creates an obligation on her part to answer, even if she is feeling poorly, it would be kinder not to ask her. 

[Scarlett]

Just now, katilac said:

If she is very, very ill . . . and you know you will hear about if she goes to the ER . . . can you not just assume that she is indeed having a rough day if she doesn't answer? If asking her if she's okay creates an obligation on her part to answer, even if she is feeling poorly, it would be kinder not to ask her. 

Yeah,   That is what I do.  But it is not always easy. Just saying. 

[katilac]

5 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Yeah,   That is what I do.  But it is not always easy. Just saying. 

It might be mentally easier for you if you quit asking her a question (which implies getting an answer). Instead of, "are you ok?" try switching to, "I hope you're feeling well!" or similar. 

That would likely be easier on her as well, releasing her from the expectation of responding. 

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

No. 

Setting it as a general question was intentional. I regret clarifying it, in fact. I can’t say more about it. 

Sorry. I hope you find the answer you are looking for. ❤️ 

[annandatje]

On 11/21/2020 at 4:01 PM, Quill said:

Adding a poll. When I text people, I usually expect them to reply within a short while, if not pretty much immediately. Of course, a person might be at work, or rocking a baby or at church or something, but nevertheless, I still usually expect to hear a reply within a few hours at most. I find it pretty strange when I don’t hear a reply until the next day. 

What about you? 

No, I do not expect an immediate or even a few hours response.  Answer in a day or two.  If I don't hear from person after couple days, I may call or assume that they are temporarily overwhelmed.  I keep my cell phone in kitchen after I come home from work.  I do not have the notification dings turned on because I do not want to have another reminder of something else I need to do.

[Corraleno]

I saw this on FB and thought of this thread, lol

[easypeasy]

16 hours ago, Quill said:

Also interesting. I don’t think I have ever scrolled through my texts, except to delete a bunch to free up space. If I can’t address it promptly, I just read the header part and leave the notification number on. Then when I’m no longer driving or washing dishes or whatever, I will open it up and answer. 

I always learn something when I post here. 

 

I have to scroll through because I get a large # of texts that I ignore each day. lol So, I have to take a scroll through them at least once a day to see what I've forgotten to answer.

I open the full text because the person will often start the text with a long intro of wordy pleasantries and leave the meat deeper in the text... so the header will just be, "Hello, EasyPeasy! I hope you're having a great day and that your family is doing well. I have a super quick question for you if you have a minute..."  So I HAVE to open it to find out wth they really want from me.

I am a leader of a couple small organizations - some homeschool based, some arts-based. So I do receive a lot of texts from people involved in these groups, but I don't really know well.

We also have rental properties, so ppl will text with a lot of questions. I'll answer the urgent ones ASAP, of course! But some are, "Would you be okay if we painted the living room magenta?" (nope!) or, "We were wondering if we could take the side fence down in order to move in a playhouse? We promise to put it all back the way it was!" (suuuuuure, they will.... suuuuuure). So those types of questions I can't always just zip back a quick reply. Some require time to sort out the details while others require me to chew on for a bit before responding.

Texts from friends/family are easy! It's the other ones that require some thought.

[Joker]

This thread is crazy to me. It reminds me of the first time I went out of town without dh but in the age of cell phones. I do not text, people! Even my own husband! The idea that I feel “pride” in not texting is ridiculous. It says nothing about my relationship with you - it’s only about my relationship with my flipping phone! 

[katilac]

3 minutes ago, easypeasy said:

I open the full text because the person will often start the text with a long intro of wordy pleasantries and leave the meat deeper in the text... so the header will just be, "Hello, EasyPeasy! I hope you're having a great day and that your family is doing well. I have a super quick question for you if you have a minute..."  So I HAVE to open it to find out wth they really want from me.

These people need to get it together. Not even my mom does that! 

[easypeasy]

4 minutes ago, katilac said:

These people need to get it together. Not even my mom does that! 

oh, lawdy! Preach! It's 99% of them, too! 🥴

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Joker said:

This thread is crazy to me. It reminds me of the first time I went out of town without dh but in the age of cell phones. I do not text, people! Even my own husband! The idea that I feel “pride” in not texting is ridiculous. It says nothing about my relationship with you - it’s only about my relationship with my flipping phone! 

This thread is crazy for me, too, but for a different reason. 

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

It means they’re a kind of scatter brained friend who likes you a lot but completely forgot to check or reply to their texts 😆  At least in my case anyway.  Hopefully I’m not inadvertently giving anyone the message that I don’t like them by not getting around to checking texts for 24 hours!

If the person is scatter-brained, I would expect something less responsive. 

I will say, though, you have never seemed scatter-brained on here. You always seem articulate and well-informed about things happening on the other side of the world. 

[ktgrok]

On 11/21/2020 at 5:13 PM, regentrude said:

I am actively working on freeing myself from what I like to call the "tyranny of the immediate response."

This. If it is something that requires an immediate answer (DH at the store needing to know which size pull ups) I respond immediately. If it is my mother texting a funny meme, not so much. 

On 11/21/2020 at 5:13 PM, mmasc said:

But I don’t like people to think that texting means they can reach me immediately. I like to think of it as a more of ‘called and left a message and I’ll get back to you when I can’ type of thing. But I might be weird. 😂

same

On 11/21/2020 at 5:32 PM, RootAnn said:

Being one of those people who don't always reply right away - or at all (in cases where either I think no reply is needed or I choose to stay quiet rather than text something impolite back) - I don't expect others to reply right away.

LOL...I hear you on the "stay quiet rather than text something impolite back"

[rocassie]

As a person who does not have my phone attached to me at all times, I am the person least likely to respond immediately.  On the weekends I rarely check my phone unless my kiddos have gone somewhere.  In addition to not responding immediately, I don't expect other to either which means I text with plenty of time to respond if I need/would like a response.

It seems in my circles, that a fairly quickly response time is the expectation though. Friends and family have just gotten used to DH and I not being hyper responsive.  I know it frustrates them and it has become a little of a joke, but DH and I don't want to be attached to our devices 24/7.

 

[Ausmumof3]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

If the person is scatter-brained, I would expect something less responsive. 

I will say, though, you have never seemed scatter-brained on here. You always seem articulate and well-informed about things happening on the other side of the world. 

Thanks that’s kind.  But I’m pretty scattered at keeping all the bits of life in order.  But you’re right.  I also have a friend who said to me at one point that sometimes she doesn’t get back to people for ages and if that happens it doesn’t mean she’s angry she just goes through times she needs to pull away a bit.  That helped me understand where she was at.  

[OH_Homeschooler]

I think texting has become like emailing. At first email was fun and cool and people would check it and respond right away, but then it became filled spam etc. Texting is now becoming filled with spam and appointment reminders. My kids being in virtual school means I can easily get 10 texts a day just from their random teachers (and most of then are directed at the kids, not me, so I don't need to read them. Or they're reminders of the meal kit pick-ups). And I get notices from Yankee Candles of sales (keep meaning to turn that off),  I don't rush to read texts anymore. That means there could be a real text from a real person that gets lost in the shuffle, and I might not notice it until much later. 

[RootAnn]

One of my best friends knows that if she needs prayers, she can text anytime of day or night & I will pray whenever I see the text (which might be hours later) without calling her to get all the details. (She has friends that will call her right back after receiving a text because they want to know all about the car accident or the work problem, etc. She usually doesn't want to talk--just needs to know someone is going to pray for her family's needs.)

She also knows I might respond to a text right away or it might be a day before I send a reply.

I try to send, "thinking of you" texts every so often because we haven't been able to see each other much since the pandemic started. I don't expect replies on those. I'm just letting her know I haven't forgotten about our friendship & that I'll be there when she needs me. No reply necessary.

[RootAnn]

9 hours ago, katilac said:

These people need to get it together. Not even my mom does that! 

Um, I do this because it seems rude to just jump into the question. So I did pleasantries ahead of mentioning I will be in town to pick up items on a certain day this week and then asked a question. Y'all just jump in? Like, "I'll be there on Wed between 11-1 & btw, where can I drop off donated books in your area?" No, "good morning! How's Doug's leg? Hope your roof isn't still leaking! That was quite the storm last night. Hey, so, I'll be in town on Wednesday & wondered if you'll be around for me to pick up those items you've been storing in your garage.. "

(Yeah, my texts are like short emails.)

[SKL]

21 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Of course you have to know your friends.  I wouldn’t expect a friend who is at work to respond immediately. And I am not talking about a one off.  But yes a consistent pattern of not responding in a timely manner would leave me to believe this friend is not that in to me. 

Is that really the measure of a good friend?  How did you feel about it when there were no quick communication options other than land lines?  I remember my mom talking about her best lifelong friend.  How they could go months and months without talking, and then when they did talk, it was as if no time had passed.  To her, that was the sign of a true friendship.

I have a friend who thinks that if you don't want to talk every chance you get, then there is something wrong with the friendship.  But talking isn't the same for everyone.  It can take a lot out of people.  To me, being a friend includes giving the other person space to come and chat when she is up for it ... assuming there's no good reason to need an immediate response.

[SKL]

21 hours ago, Quill said:

Sure, but if you really are trying to give someone the shake-off, because you don’t much like them or are trying to demote the friendship, one way you’re going to do this is to not respond to their attempts at communications, or, at minimum, show, “You aren’t important to me,” by way of a sluggish response. Am I right? 

But why do some people need to be "given the shake-off"?  Why is it not obvious to back off after 2 or 3 "no thank yous"?  That gives the other person space to come back to you when she is ready, or in the way that works best for her.  If she never does, then no biggie, you move on with your life.

[SKL]

15 hours ago, Quill said:

Something is bothering me. In a recent thread, we discussed what happens when one friend always has to be the one to reach out. There was a lot of this sentiment:  What’s the big deal? Send me a text, an email, a message. If I don’t answer the phone, leave a message; just say you would like to see me soon. 

It was so memorable to me because I am one of those introverts who can go a long while without contacting someone and then I start to worry that it’s the wrong time. That thread, though, encouraged me to just do it: contact friends. Send a message, send an email, send a homing pigeon, whatever, just let your friend know you’re thinking about her. But now, since this thread, I’m imagining friends getting a text from me but sitting imperiously on the other side saying, “Hrumpf! I don’t want to be bound to the phone. Your text can wait.” 

I mean...I don’t get it. If we go Pavlovian here: A friend texts me, I soon text back in response, maybe we exchange a bit of back and forth; she gets positive reinforcement from my quick response. She wanted to share something with me and I was ready to touch base with that friendship. OTOH, if a friend texts me, let’s say she sends a picture and is like, “Awww, this made me think of you! It’s exactly the same whatchamacalit as that time we went to the thingamagig together!” And then....hours go by. A day elapses. Finally, I text back, “Aww, sweet! I remember that! 💜” That’s just not very reinforcing. 

This type of exchange, btw, is similar to the thing that happened that led to my posting this. I was the friend who thought I was sharing something, but I didn’t get a response for well over 24 hours. By that point, the emotion of the moment was over; the wind was out of my sails. So instead of feeling like I connected with a friend, I feel instead like there was a friendship-bank withdrawal. 

I wonder if she is on a message board somewhere saying nobody texts her first. 🤔

I think you are assuming too much.  Everyone has a different communication style.

But ... if this person doesn't in fact want to be your bosom buddy, that is OK, isn't it?  Let her decide whether, when, and how to respond.  Don't dwell on it.

(And if you are gonna say a few texts are a lot less than being your bosom buddy ... well, most likely you aren't the only person texting / calling / emailing / seeing that person.  It is the rare person who can manage more than a small handful of active friendships well.  Depending on what else is going on, even her best friend probably has to wait sometimes.)

[SKL]

15 hours ago, Quill said:

I don’t either for the same reason, although I do get notifications from FB messenger. 

This post is not about a newish friend or a random acquaintance. I’m talking about an established friend who either 1) takes a long, long time to respond; or 2) randomly drops out of a chat back-and-forth. I think those are strange things to do to a friend, if you hope they will continue to contact you. Because those give a go-the-eff-away vibe. To me, anyway. 

Wait ... if she is an established friend and this is her established communication style, then I don't understand what the problem is.  Sounds like she is acting totally normal (for her) toward you.  Are you expecting her to change to suit your preferences?  That isn't how it works IMO.

[SKL]

15 hours ago, Quill said:

No. It is a pattern. That’s why I’m asking how it strikes other people when this is the sort of slow response they often get. 

 

To your first question, it probably seems like I should think that. The reality is, my head goes, “See? I never know when might be a good time. It must not ever be a good time because she doesn’t text back until a day or so has passed.” 

So she does regularly text you back, just not as fast as you prefer?

Then she hasn't dumped you.

I am not sure what your plans are regarding this friend, but I would just let it be as it is.

If you really need a quick reply, try calling on the phone.  If you don't, then just be patient.

[J-rap]

One of my best friends and I (we live across the country from each other) keep up with regular texts but often take up to two weeks to respond.  😄  Obviously if it's just a quick question we're generally faster, but often it's something that we want to give a more thoughtful response to.  It doesn't occur to either of us to be offended by the delay.  

Now that I think of it, it's like that with several of my close friends... 

We're there for each other in an urgent, important type situation though, and certainly respond immediately to that if we're able. 

My friends/family and I don't tend to text about daily stuff that's not really important.  It's more informational (like making plans), or thoughtful stuff that doesn't demand a short, quick answer.  

Also, texting to me is an interruption.  I have to completely stop or put down what I'm doing, and then it might take me awhile to type out my response.  I'm often in situations where I just can't do that.  And I won't do that when I'm with someone else, even just taking a walk with my kids.  Because that interrupts my time with them and I generally think it's impolite.  (Of course there are exceptions.)

Now snapchatting is different....  My dd's and I often send goofy snapchats to each other throughout the day!  (But we don't expect a response. :)) 

 

 

[Scarlett]

10 hours ago, easypeasy said:

oh, lawdy! Preach! It's 99% of them, too! 🥴

This is my husband. Every phone call, every text, we have several sentences of pleasantries before he gets to the point.  Sometimes it is maddening.....then I wonder how  he must view me because when he answers my call I say, 'hey will you please pick up milk on the way home.'   

[katilac]

5 hours ago, Quill said:

If the person is scatter-brained, I would expect something less responsive. 

Less responsive to your initial text? No, I'd say a scatter-brained person is one who forgets to respond for a while (or thinks they did respond bc they thought about it!), but they can certainly be responsive to a text that they can actually see and read again as they respond, lol 

1 hour ago, RootAnn said:

Um, I do this because it seems rude to just jump into the question. So I did pleasantries ahead of mentioning I will be in town to pick up items on a certain day this week and then asked a question. Y'all just jump in? Like, "I'll be there on Wed between 11-1 & btw, where can I drop off donated books in your area?" No, "good morning! How's Doug's leg? Hope your roof isn't still leaking! That was quite the storm last night. Hey, so, I'll be in town on Wednesday & wondered if you'll be around for me to pick up those items you've been storing in your garage.. "

(Yeah, my texts are like short emails.)

I jump in like it's a swimming pool on a ninety degree day. 

I mean, if Doug has recently broken his leg, then by all means ask about it, lol. Better yet, just say you hope he's recovering. "good morning, I hope Doug's leg is better! I'll be in town Wednesday, do you want me to pick up those books?" 

More likely for me, if Doug has not in fact broken his leg, "yo, Wednesday good to get books?" because obviously I have to be in town to get them, and they already know the items are in their garage, that's not stuff I have to tell them. 

In my texting world, we usually take care of business first, get those questions asked and answered. Then we may or may not get into a chat, either then or later, but we have the needed info. "yes, if before 12" or "no, gone all day" gets the question answered and is quick, whereas the person may be much slower to respond if they feel obligated to update you on Doug's leg and comment on the storm. 

Unlike a traditional letter or even emails/computer messages, the pleasantries and chatting via text are most often completely separate. If you text someone fairly often, you are definitely not expected to start each message with a greeting and a pleasantry. 

 

 

[Scarlett]

12 hours ago, katilac said:

It might be mentally easier for you if you quit asking her a question (which implies getting an answer). Instead of, "are you ok?" try switching to, "I hope you're feeling well!" or similar. 

That would likely be easier on her as well, releasing her from the expectation of responding. 

That is actually a good point.  Sometimes she just doesn't want to tell me that no she is  not ok.  But she also has expressed appreciation repeatedly for me checking on her.  When she ended up in the hospital in Dallas she cried on the phone and told me I was what had kept her going.  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, RootAnn said:

Um, I do this because it seems rude to just jump into the question. So I did pleasantries ahead of mentioning I will be in town to pick up items on a certain day this week and then asked a question. Y'all just jump in? Like, "I'll be there on Wed between 11-1 & btw, where can I drop off donated books in your area?" No, "good morning! How's Doug's leg? Hope your roof isn't still leaking! That was quite the storm last night. Hey, so, I'll be in town on Wednesday & wondered if you'll be around for me to pick up those items you've been storing in your garage.. "

(Yeah, my texts are like short emails.)

You must be related to my dh.  😉

 

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, katilac said:

Less responsive to your initial text? No, I'd say a scatter-brained person is one who forgets to respond for a while (or thinks they did respond bc they thought about it!), but they can certainly be responsive to a text that they can actually see and read again as they respond, lol 

I jump in like it's a swimming pool on a ninety degree day. 

I mean, if Doug has recently broken his leg, then by all means ask about it, lol. Better yet, just say you hope he's recovering. "good morning, I hope Doug's leg is better! I'll be in town Wednesday, do you want me to pick up those books?" 

More likely for me, if Doug has not in fact broken his leg, "yo, Wednesday good to get books?" because obviously I have to be in town to get them, and they already know the items are in their garage, that's not stuff I have to tell them. 

In my texting world, we usually take care of business first, get those questions asked and answered. Then we may or may not get into a chat, either then or later, but we have the needed info. "yes, if before 12" or "no, gone all day" gets the question answered and is quick, whereas the person may be much slower to respond if they feel obligated to update you on Doug's leg and comment on the storm. 

Unlike a traditional letter or even emails/computer messages, the pleasantries and chatting via text are most often completely separate. If you text someone fairly often, you are definitely not expected to start each message with a greeting and a pleasantry. 

 

 

LOL....to the bolded yes this is exactly how I communicate.  

[SKL]

I think the pleasantry introductions are cultural ... not right nor wrong.

Personally I strive for conciseness and to increase the likelihood of very quick understanding.  For example, my text is likely to say "need milk"  or "Subway orders."  😛

Then again, I never text just to be friendly.  That is just not how I do relationships.  I will respond to another person's text, but usually not in a way to keep the chat going.

And there are some texts I never respond to.  Like my sister's commentary on things that pi$$ her off.  Either I keep quiet or I will respond to the last text with the shortest possible answer.  Like "Fun" or "Bummer."  I just don't have time for the back and forth ... and texting isn't easy for me ... so if a conversation is needed, let's just talk.

One more thing.  I am careful about texting because unintended readers can see my texts.  They pop up when I may or may not be next to my phone.  I've had my kids ask about a text from an ex-bf.  And then, unless you take steps to delete, the conversation is there on your phone forever.  Texting is definitely not private, so I think it is a mistake to expect intimate friend responses via text.

Edited November 23, 2020 by SKL

[ieta_cassiopeia]

For me, it depends on who it is. Some people I know will read and reply to texts within 10 minutes if expecting them, and failure to do so is interpretable as being an issue in certain contexts. Others  can go days without so much as looking at their phone, and I plan my communications with them accordingly - they're generally easier to contact by email, though not necessarily so fast that an urgent conversation is feasible. Some people exhibit both behaviours depending on context - I have one friend in particular who responds in 3 minutes flat if they're on a train and 3 weeks flat if they're at home (in the confirmed or suspected latter case, I online message instead).

 

Most people are in between, and I tailor my response according to the person and their established communication style. No assumptions are made regarding people I'm contacting for the first time.

 

I can respond to texts within 2-3 minutes unless it's an answer I need to research. Whether I send an "I'll look that up and get back to you" depends on known preferences of the user, but I default to "no". I do try to reply soon after I see the message because otherwise I forget to do so - but that's not much comfort if the sender's already waited a fortnight for a response and was expecting an answer within 1-2 days...

Occasionally I forget I even have a mobile phone because it's not something I use regularly - my parents put £20 on it due to a medical emergency abroad two years ago, and I still have £15 of the credit left. The friend I referred to earlier thinks I'm the Usain Bolt of text response, but only because they never text me unless I'm expecting them to do so.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I think the pleasantry introductions are cultural ... not right nor wrong.

Personally I strive for conciseness and to increase the likelihood of very quick understanding.  For example, my text is likely to say "need milk"  or "Subway orders."  😛

Then again, I never text just to be friendly.  That is just not how I do relationships.  I will respond to another person's text, but usually not in a way to keep the chat going.

And there are some texts I never respond to.  Like my sister's commentary on things that pi$$ her off.  Either I keep quiet or I will respond to the last text with the shortest possible answer.  Like "Fun" or "Bummer."  I just don't have time for the back and forth ... and texting isn't easy for me ... so if a conversation is needed, let's just talk.

One more thing.  I am careful about texting because unintended readers can see my texts.  They pop up when I may or may not be next to my phone.  I've had my kids ask about a text from an ex-bf.  And then, unless you take steps to delete, the conversation is there on your phone forever.  Texting is definitely not private, so I think it is a mistake to expect intimate friend responses via text.

You can stop that from happening.