Homeless relative (again)

[DawnM]

Last year I posted that I had a homeless relative and I didn't know how to help her.    She moved in with her dad, but he has kicked her out.   Then she moved in with her sister and she kicked her out.   Then her niece, and same thing.

She is currently staying with a friend, but that friend wants her out.

She keeps texting me saying she is scared, she wants to die, etc.....

She says the shelters are either closed or full due to Covid.    The Section 8 housing has such a huge influx of application that they are taking families with kids first.   She is single.

She was in the hospital for a while and is still quite sick.

I wish I had something for her.   A camper or a place I knew she could go or something.   I cannot take her in for several reasons, but the biggest being that even if I wanted to, I have a foster child and can't take other adults who aren't certified into my home without permission.

It is a LONG story as to why she can't work......a serious injury to her back and some other reasons.   She gets SSI but it doesn't cover enough for living expenses.    

She also has really bad credit, so renting would be hard, even for a room rental.

Any suggestions?

A part of me worries she just wants to be the victim, but I also see that she has no support.

[Carrie12345]

58 minutes ago, DawnM said:

part of me worries she just wants to be the victim, but I also see that she has no support.

I don’t know the person, but I’m familiar with the concept of a person who is repeatedly kicked out of living arrangements. She HAD quite a lot of support. She chose to cut those lifelines.  I’d put money on the fact that they were very messy cuts, and the next person who tries will experience the same messy turmoil.

[Lanny]

@DawnM    If she is staying within one geographic area possibly there is a Mental Health agency of a town/city/county/state that can take on responsibility for her. Sounds like her hobby is to  "burn bridges" with people who have tried to help her. Sad.  If you could find an agency that can/would help her, that would be a blessing for her, if she would accept their help.

[LucyStoner]

How old is she?

Section 8 (site based and voucher based) and subsidized housing programs vary and there are many that are geared to seniors and disabled adults and do not take families. The waitlist for section 8 vouchers is years long and in many places there’s a lottery to even be added to the waitlist.  Site based program though can have much shorter lists.  I know people who have gotten into those in under 1 year. She needs to be on all the waiting lists in all conceivable areas- the county she lives in, the counties adjacent to her and perhaps any county that she would be able to move to (perhaps has a relative).  That’s likely her only option for permanently affordable housing as basically the rent will be set so that housing costs (rent and utilities) are 30% of her income.  SSI amounts are so low I doubt she could rent a room in most places on it and still have enough for food and living expenses.  Depending on where she is, the entry point for transitional housing and permanent housing may well be the shelter system.  Women’s shelters here are not full and are taking in women but it does vary from place to place quite a bit and a certain persistence is necessary to access these resources.  

She should also qualify for Medicaid.  She should use that to get into counseling ASAP- mental health agencies that take Medicaid are doing Telehealth now in many areas.  Even if you are not in a Medicaid expansion state, she should be right at the income point for Medicaid for an adult hh of 1 with just her SSI.  

Having someone doubled up with you is hard. It’s hard for the person “hosting” so to speak and it’s hard for the person who would otherwise not have anywhere to go.  It’s common for people to run through a lot of family connections on the path to long term homelessness.  I wouldn’t judge either her or the people who have asked her to move along.  She may be hard to live with but even if she were not hard to live with, most people are going to ask her to move on after a bit.  My brother was with us for a year after leaving his husband before he was able to access transitional housing.  He’s great:  we were also both very ready to not live together after that time.  

Edited November 11, 2020 by LucyStoner

[cintinative]

I don't know where you live, but you can check and see if she is a candidate for Interfaith Hospitality Network. It doesn't exist everywhere, but we have it in our state. They don't take mentally ill persons, substance abuse cases, or domestic abuse cases for safety reasons.  However, they could possibly refer her if she falls in one of those categories.

ETA: if you do have this in your area, they help with job coaching, housing placement, and various basic education like budgeting, parenting, etc. 

Edited November 11, 2020 by cintinative

[gardenmom5]

btdt with my bil. mil kicked him, stayed with extended family & friends - kicked him out, moved in with dh & sil (they even moved from an apartment share to a  3bdrm house) - they kicked him out right before dh and I met.  

does she have a mental illness?   will she accept mental health care if someone can help her arrange it?  if she needs medication, will she take it?  If not,

will she attend a jobs workshop aimed at helping people get on their feet by actually doing something?   (this can be in many forms.)

I would require her to actually do something before I would even consider allowing her to stay with us - and then only if I could ensure my children's safety.

unless she's ready to actually do something to improve her situation, it's just more enabling.

[DawnM]

There has been no diagnosis of mental illness.   

She is on SSI due to a very bad injury at work and says she can't work because of it.   

@gardenmom5, I am not able to take her in anyway, due to my foster care situation, so that isn't even an option.    So I am not even sure how to help.    And, even if I didn't have the foster child, I have to be 100% honest.   My home is MY sanctuary.   If I felt like I couldn't come home after work and relax and had to have someone in my home, I would go nuts.   There are very few people who can get into my space at home.   My family and possibly my very best friend, who is like a sister to me.   Otherwise, I would need a lightning bolt from heaven telling me to allow someone to live with us. 😁  

 

But, as I stated, I wish I had an alternative to actually living with us.....a trailer, apt above the garage,  or tiny house or something.   But I don't, and we not live in a neighborhood that doesn't allow that anyway (well, they would allow an apt to go above our garage if it were built in, but that is irrelevant as we aren't building one.)

 

She lived with her niece for a while and I have found the niece's email address and have emailed her, I am hoping to get a little more light on the situation as I am only hearing one side right now.

[annandatje]

I would start by inquiring why the others kicked her out, whether she was violent and if they suspect any undiagnosed mental illness.  If there are no looming issues there, I would discuss with foster case worker about seeking waiver to provide temporary shelter for her.  When we were fostering but before intellectually disabled brother in law moved permanently to our area, we were allowed to host him as extended visitor.  He would stay about three months.   Thus, I would not automatically assume that case worker would frown upon providing shelter to a suffering person.

Another alternative I suppose is for her to live on streets, and you could provide cash for food, blankets and warm clothing.  This is what we are doing for a family friend on West Coast.  I believe her about the shelters being full since same is true here.  Food banks are overwhelmed here too.  Do you have an old car she can live in or a shed in backyard?  Either option is probably safer than the streets.

[PrincessMommy]

You have every right to say no, even if you could.  Just because someone has a need doesn't mean you need to be the one to take them in. You are providing for your foster child... you don't need to pile more on.   

Perhaps offer to do some research into finding a social worker for her specific needs.  Or recommend that she have herself committed in order to get an evaluation.  If you're geographically close may you can offer to go with her.  

I like the idea of finding a cheap car for her to live in.  

[katilac]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

There has been no diagnosis of mental illness.   

But is it no diagnosis because she hasn't been evaluated? That could be a concrete thing to focus on - if nothing else, she is certainly showing marked signs of situational depression. 

If she doesn't have Medicaid, helping her navigate that process might be one concrete way to help her. 

How old is she? We have some housing options locally that are labelled for seniors, but actually start at 60 or 62. 

If she is in danger of true homelessness, a car for shelter is not the worst idea. 

Or an extended-stay type hotel/motel. I know she couldn't afford it alone, but, in between you, the dad, and the sister, can enough money for a few months be conjured up? Give some time to sort out possibilities, get Medicaid and stuff established as needed? National chains with kitchenettes and free breakfast can be about $50 a night, and almost every town is going to have more sketchy local ones for less. Even a not-so-nice one is better than complete homelessness. Of course, establish a hard deadline at the beginning. 

I'm guessing she must already have direct deposit set up for her SSI? If not, that needs to happen ASAP, along with a long-term mailing address. 

Some people really do just have a very hard time navigating through life, even if they don't have a mental illness. I'm sure no one can support her financially for the long-term, so probably the best help is to get her hooked up with as many social services as possible. 

 

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

 will she attend a jobs workshop aimed at helping people get on their feet by actually doing something?   (this can be in many forms.)

She's on disability, that's why she's not working now. 

[Hilltopmom]

See if her area has emergency housing vouchers too- here they place people who apply through Social services into cheap motels for months on end. They are a rough scene but better than the streets in winter 

[SKL]

Have you asked one or more churches if they have any ideas?

I'm sorry, this is such a hard problem to work through.

[Slache]

I am in this exact situation. It's so exact I have to wonder if it's the same person. I have decided to stop helping. My friend wants a hand out not a hand up. She wants to live with me and get sympathy from myself and my kids all day that her life is so hard. My life is hard too. I'm in pain every day. You have a foster child. Take care of yours and stop worrying about her. I know that sounds harsh, but she's clearly not looking to better her situation.

[DawnM]

To answer a few of your questions:

1. She doesn't live near me, she is 6 hours away.   I don't know that area (diff. state too.)

2. She was told she couldn't get any vouchers with Covid as they were all gone, so she did try that route.

3. I am FINALLY in contact with some of her family members who I don't know (other side of her family.).  I may get some concrete answers soon.

4. She has a car.   So that is one thing, but winter is coming and that will not be a permanent solution.

5. @Slache, oh boy, hmmmm, my guess is there are a lot of people like this, but I will PM you anyway.

6.   No evaluation and I doubt she will get one.   She gets hurt and upset if you mention it.  

[Shoeless]

32 minutes ago, DawnM said:

6.   No evaluation and I doubt she will get one.   She gets hurt and upset if you mention it.  

This raises some red flags for me. Getting evaluated can open up different services for her. 

[DawnM]

16 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

This raises some red flags for me. Getting evaluated can open up different services for her. 

of course it does, but I can't force it.   

[katilac]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

 4. She has a car.   So that is one thing, but winter is coming and that will not be a permanent solution.

I mean, it's more of a result than a solution, but living in their car or on the streets does wind up being permanent for many people who have spent a long time on the edge of homelessness. It's great if you can help her avoid that, but remember that it's not completely in your power. 

[J-rap]

I wouldn't take her word for it that there are no shelters with room right now.  It's possible she's just using that as an excuse.  I'd make some calls to some agencies in her city.  (You could probably just google places.)  In our city, there are multiple private agencies and charities plus city-sponsored places that offer safe spaces for the homeless.  They often work together and if one is full, they can recommend others.  

That's kind of you to want to help her.  What a tough situation.

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

of course it does, but I can't force it.   

True, you can't force it. But an unwillingness to pursue this avenue after being kicked out of multiple other homes would make me think hard about what and how much help I would give. 

[Terabith]

We don't have a homeless relative, but we have a homeless friend who lived with us for seven years.  

No real advice, but while it mostly worked out, when his financial situation changed, we did force him to move out.  (He worked nights and wanted our kids to be very quiet during the day, and he is an alcoholic and sometimes moody.  Plus, as our kids were getting older, we felt super uncomfortable about beer cans being literally everywhere.)

[Frances]

15 hours ago, cintinative said:

I don't know where you live, but you can check and see if she is a candidate for Interfaith Hospitality Network. It doesn't exist everywhere, but we have it in our state. They don't take mentally ill persons, substance abuse cases, or domestic abuse cases for safety reasons.  However, they could possibly refer her if she falls in one of those categories.

ETA: if you do have this in your area, they help with job coaching, housing placement, and various basic education like budgeting, parenting, etc. 

We were very involved with the local one for many years when it first started here. It now runs under a different name and while still providing temporary shelter for families, it serves far more clients through referrals, rental assistance, job coaching, life skills classes, etc. We also have a similar program here specifically for women. Our state also has the 211 system for referral for all different types of social services. I would try to find one major homeless or referral place in the area she wants to live and ask them for the best referrals for someone in her situation. If she has flexibility about where she is willing to live that could be a huge help in finding something. Locations very pretty dramatically on services available. For instance, the rental market is pretty tight almost everywhere in my state, so it’s hard to find a place to live for lots of people, not just those with little or no income.

[gaillardia]

Homeless shelters are full, I don't think it matters where you look. Until she burns all of her bridges, she will continue to rely on family. Gently, what you might do is drive yourself crazy trying to figure out a solution for her and it will not matter because she will probably not like your answers. You said she gets upset if you mention being evaluated. She needs a confrontation. It is usually used on drug addicts and alcoholics and includes family, employer, etc. Most of the time it includes a therapist, psychiatrist, case worker, etc. I understand your wanting to help her. It will end up being a hard cold slap to her if she ends up going to soup kitchens for her meals. Some of the places offer a free place to shower as well and free medical care. There are shelters for single women. I hope that if you continue to try to help her that she accepts your help. Honestly, there are a lot more services out there than is realized, to help people get back on their feet again.

[Ottakee]

This is hard as I am a fixer and helper by nature.

There is a fine line between helping and enabling.   When you are doing more work than the person you are trying to help it become enabling.

[TheReader]

In a very similar situation....we have my sister with us, for the indefinite/foreseeable future. Thank you for asking this question, because I learned of some resources I didn't know of previously; other than that.....you have my prayers. It's hard. 

What everyone has said is spot on, though; it's hard. We're only 6 weeks into it, and things are hard. 

[TheReader]

On 11/11/2020 at 7:24 AM, cintinative said:

I don't know where you live, but you can check and see if she is a candidate for Interfaith Hospitality Network. It doesn't exist everywhere, but we have it in our state. They don't take mentally ill persons, substance abuse cases, or domestic abuse cases for safety reasons.  However, they could possibly refer her if she falls in one of those categories.

ETA: if you do have this in your area, they help with job coaching, housing placement, and various basic education like budgeting, parenting, etc. 

thank you for posting this; we're in a situation so similar, and this is a good resource I didn't know of. Looking at it now for my sister. 

[DawnM]

Ok, so, her sister responded to me last night.    She had company over but said she was very eager to talk to me about helping this person.   

I feel like I might get more insight and info.   She said, "I will tell you everything I know and we can talk about how to help her."    So, maybe between the two of us.....and maybe I will get a better picture of what is happening.

Thank you all for helping me get some perspective.   I am trying to not be cold hearted, but I also can't enable as many of you pointed out.