Panicking today and Qs about directives with anxious teen

[MEmama]

So I am in complete panic mode today, please be gentle. I have to hold myself together.

Someone mentioned on a thread (maybe Garga? She’s always so thoughtful and well prepared) something about giving directives to her teens should it come to that. I think I’ve been operating under the assumption that if anyone in my family ends up hospitalised it would be DS or DH, both of whom have complicating health issues. But it finally dawned on me that it could be me, or me and DH, which would leave DS (17) alone. Omg. I just can’t. But I have to. Sooo...

Where to start the conversation? He is very, very anxious and worried. Like, he didn’t even want me to go for a drive yesterday even though I promised to not get out of the car (I wanted to see if a restaurant was closed and just needed to read a door sign for confirmation). I am honestly afraid a big conversation like this could be very bad for his mental health. On the other hand, knowing facts helps him cope, so knowing there’s a plan and a will etc might be helpful. Idk. I’m so worried.

I feel like I need all the answers before we can even bring it up. I have friends I normally wouldn’t hesitate to ask to take him in, but these are not normal times. He is 17 so it’s not like he would need supervision, but yeah. He would definitely need someone. I don’t know how to plan for this. I can’t begin to imagine what he would need, I can’t imagine any of it.

He knows where the passwords are, and his SSN, passport etc. I guess a list of banking info? He has the pin to the debit card so he would have access to cash. How much do I need to think about? We made up our will a few years ago, but now he’s almost a legal adult. Some of it is bound to look different. And logistically it’s different. He can’t go across country to live with family now. 
 

My head is spinning. Please help talk me through this. I have to go the office today and be collected, but right now I feel like I can barely breathe. 

[fairfarmhand]

I wouldn’t get into details, I’d write a letter to my son that discloses it and tell him here is the letter. Only to be read if you need it. I’d just make my plans and ask the friends and youd better believe that if my close friend died and her 17 yo needed care, id do the right thing. (We don’t have high risk people here so there’s that)

I doubt he needs the details but knowing that you planned and it’s taken care of will probably ease his mind. 
 

if it hasn’t even occurred to him, I don’t think I’d mention it.

[PeterPan]

He's a minor and you probably have a will with a designated legal guardian. I would give that document to the legal guardian as a pdf and tell your ds that if he needs anything, that's who he calls.

Meanwhile, maybe talk with your GP about the mental health? I'm sure it's a question they're getting 80 times a day. Maybe they'd set you (your son, whomever) up with some telehealth counseling to help get you through this. 

Just a total nuance and in the weeds, but there's even that category legally in some states for *adults* who want to be legally independent but require assistance in decision making. It's ok for people to need some support. It's probably a good thought process to be teaching, who he asks for help.

Edited April 2, 2020 by PeterPan

[regentrude]

Do you have a friend whom you could ask to act as his guardian for the remaining year?
Do you have financial resources for him that would lessen the financial burden for this person?

When we redid our will a few years ago with teen DS still home, it was clear that his moving overseas to live with the grandparents was no longer an option. We asked a friend who was the mother of DS' friend if she were willing to step in for that short time, should anything happen to both me and DH. I felt better about doing it because we could assure her that there were funds and it would not create a financial burden for her, but even if that would not have been the case, I would have asked.  

Edited April 2, 2020 by regentrude

[8filltheheart]

I would write everything out and put it in a sealed envelop.  I would simply tell him that if you and your dh both end up in the hospital, you have written down directions with passwords to accts, etc so that he can log in and pay bills, etc.  I wouldn't go into details with him now.  Spell everything out in writing so that if it comes to it, he has what he will need then, but not before then. 

FWIW, we are in the process of putting together a new will on our own since we haven't updated ours since our 10 yr old was born. We have told our 21 yr old some details about what we want, but she was not really wanting to hear the conversation, either.  We will put it all together in writing in a single place and then it is there for our kids to deal with if they ever need it. 

ETA: Just saw the comments about his being a minor.  Agree that you should consider giving the info to whomever would be his guardian.  Our situation these days is so much less complicated since we have so many adult children and they are the ones who will be responsible for everything, no outsiders necessary.

Edited April 2, 2020 by 8FillTheHeart

[ktgrok]

1. Have you sat down and talked to him about all his fears? Asked him what he is concerned about most, and just talk it out? It may be he HAS considered this, and it is one of the things freaking him out. If so, talking to you about it would make him feel better. If not, I wouldn't bring it up. Likely if you get sick there will be time between feeling 100 percent fine and at the hospital to give him written directions. you can type it out now, but not give it to him now. 

2. I would think that the people that would have taken him in otherwise would still help now. Even if that means taking him into their house but in quarantine in a room or something. You may need to talk to them. 

[Pen]

35 minutes ago, MEmama said:

So I am in complete panic mode today, please be gentle. I have to hold myself together.

Someone mentioned on a thread (maybe Garga? She’s always so thoughtful and well prepared) something about giving directives to her teens should it come to that. I think I’ve been operating under the assumption that if anyone in my family ends up hospitalised it would be DS or DH, both of whom have complicating health issues. But it finally dawned on me that it could be me, or me and DH, which would leave DS (17) alone. Omg. I just can’t. But I have to. Sooo...

Where to start the conversation? He is very, very anxious and worried. Like, he didn’t even want me to go for a drive yesterday even though I promised to not get out of the car (I wanted to see if a restaurant was closed and just needed to read a door sign for confirmation). I am honestly afraid a big conversation like this could be very bad for his mental health. On the other hand, knowing facts helps him cope, so knowing there’s a plan and a will etc might be helpful. Idk. I’m so worried.

I feel like I need all the answers before we can even bring it up. I have friends I normally wouldn’t hesitate to ask to take him in, but these are not normal times. He is 17 so it’s not like he would need supervision, but yeah. He would definitely need someone. I don’t know how to plan for this. I can’t begin to imagine what he would need, I can’t imagine any of it.

He knows where the passwords are, and his SSN, passport etc. I guess a list of banking info? He has the pin to the debit card so he would have access to cash. How much do I need to think about? We made up our will a few years ago, but now he’s almost a legal adult. Some of it is bound to look different. And logistically it’s different. He can’t go across country to live with family now. 
 

My head is spinning. Please help talk me through this. I have to go the office today and be collected, but right now I feel like I can barely breathe. 

 

Practical suggestions:

Get some numbers for people to call who could give phone guidance and be alert to him.  

In addition to friends/relatives, in our area it looks like public school is taking on role of keeping track of if students are okay since it was decided that 13 and up can Stay Home alone even if parents are in essential work. 

Think about anything that he would not be able to do with a debit card such as property taxes and make out checks and put them in envelopes ready to mail. 

If you can open a joint account with him so that his name is clearly on it and he would have access with no issues as compared to having PIN number on your account do that (enough that he would not be in difficult situation if sorry to be morbid, but if parents were actually dead and accounts frozen pending probate of will).  And an account where he is pay on death beneficiary  could also help. 

Having his own physical debit card with his own name on it would be good.  How about own amazon account or similar so he could place orders? 

Edited April 2, 2020 by Pen

[wendyroo]

For my anxious kiddos (who are much younger) the most comforting thing is knowing that there is a solid plan, but not necessarily being burdened with it themselves.

So in your situation, I might pick a virtual guardian for him and discuss with that person exactly what you think your son would need if you and your husband ended up in the hospital.  Personally, I would not dwell on the absolutely worst case of you and your husband both dying...that is very unlikely and would be almost impossible to adequately prepare for.  Instead, I would focus on what needs to happen in the short term if both of you ended up in the hospital for 2-3 weeks.  Make sure the virtual guardian has all the information they need to coach DS through surviving on his own for a few weeks.  Also, make sure the virtual guardian understands and agrees to closely supervise DS from afar - kind of like in an emergency you are told to assign one specific person to call 911 rather than just tell the crowd in general to do so - you want one particular person to know that they are in charge of monitoring DS, assessing his mental state, attending to his needs, etc.

Then I would tell DS who will take care of him if you and DH are too sick to do so for a period of time.  I would not go into too many details, just acknowledge that it is possible you and DH could both end up in the hospital at the same time, and reassure that if that were to happen that Person X will take care of him.

[Pen]

Emotional:

talk about fears and concerns 

in bringing potential plans for “what if” scenarios try to get it into context of useful adult knowledge and skills for even if all is well and even if there were no CV19.  Though legally he can’t write checks afaik till 18, have him start practicing now. Have him start paying attention to life skills as much as possible.  Very possibly some dry runs where he felt confident of what to do if ______ would help alleviate some anxiety (maybe for both of you). 

Consider meditation, humor etc , doing things together. Playing games. Is he able to get exercise?   Same for you too actually!!!

NAC (N acetyl cysteine) supplement may help with anxiety and immunity both.  Ditto Vitamin  D

[marbel]

You have gotten a lot of good advice. My kids are a little older (21 and 22) but not independent/launched  yet. I am very worried about all this. 

We have told our kids where our will, life insurance policies, and bank account information is to be found if they need it.  Also a short list of local people they can call for assistance/advice.  An adult niece of mine is our "personal representative" should my husband or I die and the other is incapacitated.  From a logistical/financial perspective, that scenario is more complicated to me than if we were both dead, frankly. 

The people we listed are not necessarily close friends but people we trust. A guy from church who buys, fixes, and resells houses would help them with house issues if needed. Another who could give general advice and help them find a lawyer if needed. Cautions about people wanting to give financial advice (if we both died because we both have life insurance) and specific people to ignore in that regard. 

Hugs to you and your son; I know this is a scary time. We don't have family we are really close to (except that one niece and her husband) and not many really close friends who would just step in easily.  

Edited April 2, 2020 by marbel

[Murphy101]

I am having these conversations too.  Just in case.

All passwords and accounts info are printed off and in the important papers file box.  All of them. To bank account,  to pay the electric bill. To my phone and emails. 

So that at first at least they can access funds to buy groceries and pay the mortgage. 

They also have the phone numbers to 3 people who can walk them through how to call dh’s work for life insurance policies. And of course they can call our priests.

I’ve told them the worst will be the limbo if we are both in hospital.  I am unsure how we will manage that even if it’s just dh. No income but not unemployed and not dead.  So what do people do for money for groceries during that gap?  I actually need to talk to dh about that. 
 

[Carrie12345]

My kids’ anxieties are a little different, so I’m not too worried about them (the teens) getting overly freaked out... just a reasonable amount of freaked out!

Today I’m going to give over all of the financial access so they can immediately transfer themselves all of our quick access cash even if dh and I were just to have to go get checked out. I’ll write up and put away all other info separately so it’s there, but not overwhelming in the hypothetical stage.

We have a good support system that could pick up orders for them, and they know how to maximize our pantry and freezers. They’re perfectly capable of running the household and the younger two aren’t a whole lot of trouble. The real issue would be emotional, and I just don’t think there’s all that much that could be done about that in advance.

[mommyoffive]

I am freaked out about this scenario.  My oldest is only 14.   We have nobody in normal times that would step up to take them.  

[BusyMom5]

My oldest is 17, I'm going to write a letter and hope she never has to read it.  I have told my older kids that if something happens and one of us has to take the other to the hospital,  they will be on their own.  No taking other kids to grandma's house.  We would consider all our family contagious, so no outside help.  My youngest is 2, so this would be a hard thing for them to take over.

[Pen]

@MEmama Maybe ask your 17yo if he’d prefer to have someone else in charge, envelope with instructions etc or whether he’d prefer to feel like he has someone (and back up someone ) to call for guidance, but basically knows what do do himself if:

Parents are sick at home 

parents are in hospital  with cellphone communication possible 

parents are in hospital too sick to communicate

parents are dead

 

My son of similar age prefers feeling like he is as ready as possible to take charge himself with outside consulting help available, but yours might be different.  Even when mine was not yet 18 that was how he felt. 

 

[Pen]

5 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I am having these conversations too.  Just in case.

All passwords and accounts info are printed off and in the important papers file box.  All of them. To bank account,  to pay the electric bill. To my phone and emails. 

So that at first at least they can access funds to buy groceries and pay the mortgage. 

They also have the phone numbers to 3 people who can walk them through how to call dh’s work for life insurance policies. And of course they can call our priests.

I’ve told them the worst will be the limbo if we are both in hospital.  I am unsure how we will manage that even if it’s just dh. No income but not unemployed and not dead.  So what do people do for money for groceries during that gap?  I actually need to talk to dh about that. 
 

 

Contact your state and ask about SNAP etc type programs in event of no money for groceries. Or local food pantries.

also do you live where you can grow any food?

[Miss Tick]

I guess I've been a bit unrealistic. Up to now my preparation of my kids has been on the order of "Look at me, this is where I keep the emergency supply of boxes macaroni and cheese ."

I've been taking notes on this thread, I'll put something better together tonight.

Edited April 2, 2020 by SusanC

[fairfarmhand]

6 minutes ago, SusanC said:

I guess I've been a bit unrealistic. Up to now my preparation of my kids has been on the order of "Look at me, this is where I keep the emergency supply of boxes macaroni and cheese ."

I've been taking notes on this thread, I'll put something better together tonight.

Yeah, me too. Probably need to make more definite plans.

[Pen]

5 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

I am freaked out about this scenario.  My oldest is only 14.   We have nobody in normal times that would step up to take them.  

 

That’s a difficult situation.  Who could they call? There are likely people around who would be willing to help as able .

Being able to get through ~14-21 days of a quarantine period largely on their own could be a huge help. Especially if there were higher risk grandparent or someone like that who could safely look after them after such a quarantine. 

[Miss Tick]

Keep in mind that you won't just keel over. You have time to make a few phone calls if needed, especially if you and dh (or me and dh, whatever) don't get the same sick at the same time.

If one of the adults here gets sick I expect that I will let my neighbors and may far-away parents and far-away trusted adult and not so far responsible adult know.

But still, there are things on this thread that I hadn't considered but that I need to keep in mind.

[mommyoffive]

20 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

That’s a difficult situation.  Who could they call? There are likely people around who would be willing to help as able .

Being able to get through ~14-21 days of a quarantine period largely on their own could be a huge help. Especially if there were higher risk grandparent or someone like that who could safely look after them after such a quarantine. 

 

Really, nobody.   We don't have any family in the state.   We have only 4 people in our extended family within 2 hours drive.  All but one are high risk.   I don't see how they could get through it on their own.     We don't have close friends at all.   And even those people that we are lightly friends with are an hour away.     It is a situation that has already worried me, but this is freaking me out.   I honestly have nothing that would help us at that time.   For me that is also having a big family that I have noticed.  At least in my life people don't want to babysit let alone raise your 5 kids.  One or 2 maybe, but not 5.  

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

 

Contact your state and ask about SNAP etc type programs in event of no money for groceries. Or local food pantries.

also do you live where you can grow any food?

we could grow some food but that takes time and money too. and we couldn’t grow enough for our size family to live off of, its be purely supplemental.  

and yes obviously about food stamps and food pantries. But the state websites are so bogged down they keep crashing and that’s this week, before the scary crisis numbers have started to hit. 

[Pen]

15 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

we could grow some food but that takes time and money too. and we couldn’t grow enough for our size family to live off of, its be purely supplemental.  

and yes obviously about food stamps and food pantries. But the state websites are so bogged down they keep crashing and that’s this week, before the scary crisis numbers have started to hit. 

 

Well, whatever you can do should help!

Did you spend all your Curaçao or Ireland or wherever it was you had planned to go money? 

[MEmama]

Thank you! 
I'm feeling better now about the things I need to do. I think I’m having a difficult time separating the scenario where both DH are in the hospital at the same time and the one where we both die. Ugh. I do realize both are very unlikely. I’m just having a panic day.

All of these suggestions are so, so helpful.

We do the financial means that would ensure no one else would have to take that on if they needed to take him for whatever reason. I had never considered anyone other DS would need access, though. And since he isn’t quite legal age yet, that could be a huge oversight. He could at least access our checking account, but that will only go so far. I’m pretty sure we have in our will that everything goes to him at 18 in such an unlikely scenario but I’ll have to double check (FIL was an accountant and would be the overseer. No one in our families would dispute anything we have written down; they all have our wishes and DS's best interests in mind.).

It’s time to review the will. I wonder what happens if we just make updated notes, at least until we can make some changes/updates official. No one in our families would cause drama, but how legal would it be? 

I really like the idea of writing down directives for a couple scenarios and letting him know they exist (and where they are), but not overwhelming him with details. I’ll see what he is comfortable with. 

[Pen]

30 minutes ago, mommyoffive said:

 

Really, nobody.   We don't have any family in the state.   We have only 4 people in our extended family within 2 hours drive.  All but one are high risk.   I don't see how they could get through it on their own.     We don't have close friends at all.   And even those people that we are lightly friends with are an hour away.     It is a situation that has already worried me, but this is freaking me out.   I honestly have nothing that would help us at that time.   For me that is also having a big family that I have noticed.  At least in my life people don't want to babysit let alone raise your 5 kids.  One or 2 maybe, but not 5.  

 

If you have potential even slightly acceptable neighbors to ask for at least interim watching over if you had to be in hospital that could help. Perhaps. 

Otherwise it may be that something like foster care services would have to step in—and while sometimes that’s bad, it isn’t always bad.  I think I was a pretty good foster parent.   😉  

And I would consider trying to get re- certified if lots of kids need homes and I am a survivor. 

[Pen]

8 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Thank you! 
I'm feeling better now about the things I need to do. I think I’m having a difficult time separating the scenario where both DH are in the hospital at the same time and the one where we both die. Ugh. I do realize both are very unlikely. I’m just having a panic day.

All of these suggestions are so, so helpful.

We do the financial means that would ensure no one else would have to take that on if they needed to take him for whatever reason. I had never considered anyone other DS would need access, though. And since he isn’t quite legal age yet, that could be a huge oversight. He could at least access our checking account, but that will only go so far. I’m pretty sure we have in our will that everything goes to him at 18 in such an unlikely scenario but I’ll have to double check (FIL was an accountant and would be the overseer. No one in our families would dispute anything we have written down; they all have our wishes and DS's best interests in mind.).

It’s time to review the will. I wonder what happens if we just make updated notes, at least until we can make some changes/updates official. No one in our families would cause drama, but how legal would it be? 

I really like the idea of writing down directives for a couple scenarios and letting him know they exist (and where they are), but not overwhelming him with details. I’ll see what he is comfortable with. 

 

If you have only the one child and no one would contend, I think you would be fine because if both parents die everything would go to the one child anyway (intestate succession nearly everywhere ) unless a will stipulated otherwise. 

What you might want to be doing is setting up for things to go to him in case of the worst without undue delays and fees.

So pay on death and transfer on death documents if you can do that.  

Do remember King Lear though.  You probably won’t die. Don’t make transfers you will end up regretting in the much bigger percent chance that both you and your husband or at least one survive . 

Edited April 2, 2020 by Pen

[East Coast Sue]

7 hours ago, mommyoffive said:

I am freaked out about this scenario.  My oldest is only 14.   We have nobody in normal times that would step up to take them.  

 

Just want you to know that you're not the only one who doesn't have anyone that would step in or help.  We moved to the east coast 10 years ago when my youngest was born and we literally have no one that we are close to here. Yes, I have tried to make friends but I have been so unsuccessful that it is truly depressing. I have helped and stepped in to support potential friends during rough times (bringing meals, texts, visits), but it has not yet produced a single friendship of significance.  I know this because I have had a child hospitalized (mental health issue) and no one has called, texted, or connected with me- not even once.  We don't have any family so there is no possibility to fall back on relatives.  And to make things feel even more devastating for me, my best friend (from many years ago) died a year ago this week.

[MEmama]

22 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

If you have only the one child and no one would contend, I think you would be fine because if both parents die everything would go to the one child anyway (intestate succession nearly everywhere ) unless a will stipulated otherwise. 

What you might want to be doing is setting up for things to go to him in case of the worst without undue delays and fees.

So pay on death and transfer on death documents if you can do that.  

Do remember King Lear though.  You probably won’t die. Don’t make transfers you will end up regretting in the much bigger percent chance that both you and your husband or at least one survive . 

Thanks. I hoped this is the case; glad to get confirmation. 
I do know this is all extremely unlikely. Most days I’m very rational, but this morning I really fell apart.

The support here is truly amazing. 

Edited April 2, 2020 by MEmama

[MEmama]

21 minutes ago, East Coast Sue said:

 

Just want you to know that you're not the only one who doesn't have anyone that would step in or help.  We moved to the east coast 10 years ago when my youngest was born and we literally have no one that we are close to here. Yes, I have tried to make friends but I have been so unsuccessful that it is truly depressing. I have helped and stepped in to support potential friends during rough times (bringing meals, texts, visits), but it has not yet produced a single friendship of significance.  I know this because I have had a child hospitalized (mental health issue) and no one has called, texted, or connected with me- not even once.  We don't have any family so there is no possibility to fall back on relatives.  And to make things feel even more devastating for me, my best friend (from many years ago) died a year ago this week.

((So.Many.Hugs)). 😞 

(You aren't in Maine by any chance, are you?)

Edited April 2, 2020 by MEmama

[Murphy101]

24 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

Well, whatever you can do should help!

Did you spend all your Curaçao or Ireland or wherever it was you had planned to go money? 

One: The money I spent on flights and hotels has not been refunded and I don’t see it getting refunded anytime soon. Not at all on the flights.  Even with flights, that is approx 2 paychecks.

Two: You literally quote me saying the most concerned thing I worry about is the hopefully brief time frame I called limbo, the time between dh and I dying and resources kicking in that the kids can access.  I’m spitballing that there’d be a approx a 1 month or possible more gap where they’ll have spent the money in my acct on bills/food and yet there’s not a check from life insurance yet.  During that gap - I’m hoping other loved ones will step up to help them.

Outside of that limbo frame, they won’t be well off and things will be tight, but if they are careful with funds they should be able to stay in house raising young siblings for at least 10 years, which will get most of them through nearby colleges too. 

[MEmama]

48 minutes ago, StellaM said:

My anxious teen has a close by (literally 5 min away) youngish adult to swoop in and sort things if both his dad and I are sick.

Details are going to the adult, not the teen.

I assume I'll have time to alert the adult.

If we both drop dead suddenly, and at the same time, then he'd call this adult - but that's a longstanding 'here's who to call in an emergency if we're not around' thing.

My anxious kids cannot cope with discussions about my own mortality atm - all three of them have made it known to me that they aren't prepared to have that conversation. And I'm not prepared to push it.

 

 

I suspect that is where we are as well. 

[Pen]

1 hour ago, Murphy101 said:

One: The money I spent on flights and hotels has not been refunded and I don’t see it getting refunded anytime soon. Not at all on the flights.  Even with flights, that is approx 2 paychecks.

Two: You literally quote me saying the most concerned thing I worry about is the hopefully brief time frame I called limbo, the time between dh and I dying and resources kicking in that the kids can access.  I’m spitballing that there’d be a approx a 1 month or possible more gap where they’ll have spent the money in my acct on bills/food and yet there’s not a check from life insurance yet.  During that gap - I’m hoping other loved ones will step up to help them.

Outside of that limbo frame, they won’t be well off and things will be tight, but if they are careful with funds they should be able to stay in house raising young siblings for at least 10 years, which will get most of them through nearby colleges too. 

 

There have also been a lot of moratoriums where utilities won’t be turned off etc if there’s a one month non payment during a gap.  

But also to deal with / prepare for would be if you were alive but in isolation where you can’t actually do things 

[Ausmumof3]

Not to answer your question but I’m in somewhat of the same quandary in that I’m wanting to change the people we previously chose to be guardians for the kids if need be.  Their life circumstances have changed a bit and I feel like it would now be a bigger burden to them.  Whereas other people who we didn’t ask before are now maybe in a better situation.  I do know 100 percent that there are multiple people who would care for the kids but I don’t want it to be a point of conflict or something.  

[marbel]

2 hours ago, East Coast Sue said:

 

Just want you to know that you're not the only one who doesn't have anyone that would step in or help.  We moved to the east coast 10 years ago when my youngest was born and we literally have no one that we are close to here. Yes, I have tried to make friends but I have been so unsuccessful that it is truly depressing. I have helped and stepped in to support potential friends during rough times (bringing meals, texts, visits), but it has not yet produced a single friendship of significance.  I know this because I have had a child hospitalized (mental health issue) and no one has called, texted, or connected with me- not even once.  We don't have any family so there is no possibility to fall back on relatives.  And to make things feel even more devastating for me, my best friend (from many years ago) died a year ago this week.

We are/were in a similar situation. Our kids are adults now but I used to lose sleep over the guardian situation. Our kids' guardian was a close family friend back in Oregon, we had no family that we wanted in that role. When we moved east we thought we'd develop some relationships so that we'd have a guardian nearby, but that never happened. We still would like some close friends but at least we know some people who would advise our kids.  

[fairfarmhand]

The person I want a guardian to my kids is in turkey currently. However, we have family who would gladly step in for short term care. 

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

 

There have also been a lot of moratoriums where utilities won’t be turned off etc if there’s a one month non payment during a gap.  

But also to deal with / prepare for would be if you were alive but in isolation where you can’t actually do things 

We have been self quarantined for a while now and so far no problems. Once a week I order online delivery for everything I can and have someone outside the house pickup what I can’t get delivered. That does remind me though that I need to have  someone drive the cars a couple miles once a week or so.  Sitting unused for a long time isn’t good.  Presuming there’s always someone outside the house who can do that, there’s no reason for that to change. 

[Pen]

10 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

We have been self quarantined for a while now and so far no problems. Once a week I order online delivery for everything I can and have someone outside the house pickup what I can’t get delivered. That does remind me though that I need to have  someone drive the cars a couple miles once a week or so.  Sitting unused for a long time isn’t good.  Presuming there’s always someone outside the house who can do that, there’s no reason for that to change. 

 

I meant like *can’t* do things — seriously sick, even intubated.  Truly cannot, not just at home. 

[Terabith]

My kids are 16 and almost 15, but they both have pretty severe anxiety issues.  They could stay at home alone, but I do not think they could cope with logistical issues or bill payments or anything.  And I think serious damage would be caused by pushing the issue of discussing our mortality with them; they're already freaking out about the situation as it is.  It may be delusional, but I'm going to assume that we aren't both going to be completely incapacitated by illness at the same time.  My husband's parents are in town and while they shouldn't go over there if they're likely infectious (because we're sick), but they could probably problem solve/ drop off groceries/ etc.  I think it's really unlikely that all four of us will go down at once in such a way that we couldn't communicate.  

I do need to talk to my husband and make sure he knows how to do the things I do and that I know how to do the things he does, however.  We could probably figure out anything necessary, but I wouldn't swear I wouldn't miss a bill or something, just because it's something I don't think about normally.  

Edited April 3, 2020 by Terabith

[Murphy101]

2 hours ago, Pen said:

 

I meant like *can’t* do things — seriously sick, even intubated.  Truly cannot, not just at home. 

I don’t understand? That’s what I meant too? As long as my kids can access my debit card or PayPal acct - they can do anything I can’t do for whatever reason.  And once the life insurance and such is handled, they can continue doing what needs done for themselves and younger siblings.  What do you think I’m missing?

 

[Pen]

2 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

I don’t understand? That’s what I meant too? As long as my kids can access my debit card or PayPal acct - they can do anything I can’t do for whatever reason.  And once the life insurance and such is handled, they can continue doing what needs done for themselves and younger siblings.  What do you think I’m missing?

 

 

Missing Nothing if they know how to do it all. Then you are Ahead of me. 😉

When you replied before it sounded like you were doing it all yourself as a quarantined mom, and was not clear your kids knew how to take over. I am working with mine on that.  

Seeing mom do x, and actually knowing how aren’t automatically the same. 

[MEmama]

12 hours ago, Terabith said:

My kids are 16 and almost 15, but they both have pretty severe anxiety issues.  They could stay at home alone, but I do not think they could cope with logistical issues or bill payments or anything.  And I think serious damage would be caused by pushing the issue of discussing our mortality with them; they're already freaking out about the situation as it is.  It may be delusional, but I'm going to assume that we aren't both going to be completely incapacitated by illness at the same time.  My husband's parents are in town and while they shouldn't go over there if they're likely infectious (because we're sick), but they could probably problem solve/ drop off groceries/ etc.  I think it's really unlikely that all four of us will go down at once in such a way that we couldn't communicate.  

I do need to talk to my husband and make sure he knows how to do the things I do and that I know how to do the things he does, however.  We could probably figure out anything necessary, but I wouldn't swear I wouldn't miss a bill or something, just because it's something I don't think about normally.  

Good point. I need to do the same. 

[Acadie]

I'm sorry I don't have the bandwidth to read through this whole thread, but just wanted to say I'd separate out your emotional support and communication with your son and your preparations as a couple for various contingencies. 

Since he already has some anxiety about this (and who doesn't right, now?) I'd focus on asking him how he's doing, how he feels doing school online, how his friends and their families are handling things, and what helps him (exercise, outdoors, meditation, video games with friends, Netflix parties with friends?). Also, and very importantly, use this time to talk about life skills he needs anyway, in preparation for going off to college. This is a time to teach our kids things that fall through the cracks in our crazy busy regular lives, whatever that looks like in your family--cooking, meal planning, bill paying, banking, home maintenance, or keeping a calendar. Not all those things, and not all at once. You may be prioritizing certain things right now with an eye to the pandemic, but it's also a chance to do different things together and make some memories. For now that's all I'd do with him.

But at the same time, work with your dh on writing down what someone else would need to know to run your household, manage your finances, take care of your son. He's still a minor and would need an adult involved. (Actually, in our wills, the guardian is the trustee of funds, and retains control of the funds until our children are age 25. We wanted an adult in an advisory role through young adulthood, and my sister and dh's brother would both be good in that role. It's tricky if you don't have anyone who could do it). 

Here's a book I really like for getting your financials and other essential information organized: Get It Together: Organize Your Records So Your Family Won't Have To. We're actually working through this now for ourselves, and for my mom and dad who are in their 80s. We were already doing it before coronavirus, but that's certainly made it feel more urgent. Even if you don't set up a binder with all important documents as they suggest, I find it incredibly helpful to look through the list of topics. It's reassuring to know lawyers and experts have thought everything through and if you hit all those topics, you'll be organizing and communicating all the important stuff.

If anyone does try the book, don't get stuck on the letter to loved ones, which I think is toward the beginning. Just try to get some of the easier sections done first, to feel a sense of accomplishment. Low hanging fruit. 

As you get things together, or if one of you gets sick, you can communicate more to your son then. I've never experienced this much uncertainty in my whole life. I think it's okay if our teens need us to process some things for them right now, and not convey the enormity of our own fears and uncertainties to them. That doesn't mean I'm trying to hide how I feel from my teens, but I am looking carefully to see when it's too much for them, and when dh and I just need to process some things between the two of us. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by Acadie

[MEmama]

1 hour ago, Acadie said:

I'm sorry I don't have the bandwidth to read through this whole thread, but just wanted to say I'd separate out your emotional support and communication with your son and your preparations as a couple for various contingencies. 

Since he already has some anxiety about this (and who doesn't right, now?) I'd focus on asking him how he's doing, how he feels doing school online, how his friends and their families are handling things, and what helps him (exercise, outdoors, meditation, video games with friends, Netflix parties with friends?). Also, and very importantly, use this time to talk about life skills he needs anyway, in preparation for going off to college. This is a time to teach our kids things that fall through the cracks in our crazy busy regular lives, whatever that looks like in your family--cooking, meal planning, bill paying, banking, home maintenance, or keeping a calendar. Not all those things, and not all at once. You may be prioritizing certain things right now with an eye to the pandemic, but it's also a chance to do different things together and make some memories. For now that's all I'd do with him.

But at the same time, work with your dh on writing down what someone else would need to know to run your household, manage your finances, take care of your son. He's still a minor and would need an adult involved. (Actually, in our wills, the guardian is the trustee of funds, and retains control of the funds until our children are age 25. We wanted an adult in an advisory role through young adulthood, and my sister and dh's brother would both be good in that role. It's tricky if you don't have anyone who could do it). 

Here's a book I really like for getting your financials and other essential information organized: Get It Together: Organize Your Records So Your Family Won't Have To. We're actually working through this now for ourselves, and for my mom and dad who are in their 80s. We were already doing it before coronavirus, but that's certainly made it feel more urgent. Even if you don't set up a binder with all important documents as they suggest, I find it incredibly helpful to look through the list of topics. It's reassuring to know lawyers and experts have thought everything through and if you hit all those topics, you'll be organizing and communicating all the important stuff.

If anyone does try the book, don't get stuck on the letter to loved ones, which I think is toward the beginning. Just try to get some of the easier sections done first, to feel a sense of accomplishment. Low hanging fruit. 

As you get things together, or if one of you gets sick, you can communicate more to your son then. I've never experienced this much uncertainty in my whole life. I think it's okay if our teens need us to process some things for them right now, and not convey the enormity of our own fears and uncertainties to them. That doesn't mean I'm trying to hide how I feel from my teens, but I am looking carefully to see when it's too much for them, and when dh and I just need to process some things between the two of us. 

This is really good advice. I find it so difficult to balance with him. He’s the type who wants all the information, but of course *all* the information is just too much for anyone right now. I need to keep that in mind.

I'll check out the book rec too. Thanks.

[KathyBC]

On 4/2/2020 at 5:40 AM, HeighHo said:

We had the convo at that age  in terms of emergency prep for hurricanes, car accidents etc.  It turned out to be a wise convo because ds steered it immediately to financial and  the college /career training funding question -- some of the teens ds knew had not been able to continue college after a parent died, were floundering in life,  and weren't aware of their options; we have an older relative that has financial difficulty but he wasn't aware that elder had chosen not to use a budget....so good convo, he was much happier knowing who had his back and that he would  have some options and mentors.

In the sealed envelope we added to the list of trusted adults....ds had a good relationship with his godfather, but I formally called a trusted few lifelong friends and they were the backups.  I also listed who not to trust and what lawyer to call if they needed someone local as well as the supervisors name and number for us in order to finish the employee insurance paperwork.  All of this is normal stuff needed anyway.  Also list what bills are due when....one of the hardest things with my parents' death was that we didn't have a list, so had to trust that the mail would arrive in  a timely fashion and that the bills had been paid the month prior.

 

 

THIS is one of my worries; with so many bills coming to email or directly to your phone (or even you just having to remember them), it sets up for a much less reliable system than good old snail mail and paper billing used to be. I could go off on a whole rant of how ridiculous I think some company's billing has become.

Down thread was a great suggestion to make a master list which I plan to implement.

[mumto2]

Not sure if this will help anyone but this is how we have handled it.....

Dh recently updated the file.......the file was originally put together years ago for me because he had huge job risk potential and handled everything .......we knew I had shall we say lost the thread on our affairs due to two toddlers and some other pressures which were mine alone.  So he put together a one stop file with all pertinent info that I would need to take over.........for example a copy of utility bills so I would know who my provider even was and the account number.  Really basic stuff so if you haven’t received a bill you can start looking for one efficiently.  It also had a financial asset list, info on a business he owned.  Car titles......one stop.

The kids were first told about the file when my British BF was dying.  Upsetting time for my kids and her Dd was being given a similar file to access at 14.  That Dd was their best friend,  my kids felt more secure  knowing the same information she did about their situation if anything happened to us.  The kids were talking together which was good, but sad.  Info sharing made everyone feel safer r.  My kids are now technically adults so they are grateful the guardian Issue is gone as they were going to have to move  far away from life as they knew it. The file has now been upgraded to include burial info etc for the dc’s.  Their names have been added in recent days to some assets to ensure cash so tuition gets paid etc. We have a basic one that sits in a desk drawer, one with passwords etc which is more securely stashed, and a lockbox with documents at a bank........

[Pen]

As a little PSA, my son’s bio father died when my son was 16.  My son is now a little past 18.  We are still dealing with things related to his bio father’s death.  It can be a slow process.  So some ducks in place that allow life to go on (I was my son’s duck 🦆 so to speak), while probate or other legal processes drag along would probably  be helpful.   Also a PSA — bank accounts, safety deposit boxes etc may be frozen or sealed upon the owner’s death.  So child probably needs something official allowing him access, not just knowledge of where card is and its pin.  If their name isn’t on it, it may be frozen pending probate. 

[MEmama]

50 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

OP, when does your DS turn 18?

February. 

[MEmama]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

As a little PSA, my son’s bio father died when my son was 16.  My son is now a little past 18.  We are still dealing with things related to his bio father’s death.  It can be a slow process.  So some ducks in place that allow life to go on (I was my son’s duck 🦆 so to speak), while probate or other legal processes drag along would probably  be helpful.   Also a PSA — bank accounts, safety deposit boxes etc may be frozen or sealed upon the owner’s death.  So child probably needs something official allowing him access, not just knowledge of where card is and its pin.  If their name isn’t on it, it may be frozen pending probate. 

Excellent points.

In the worst case scenario, I’m certain friends would take him in for the immediate. They wouldn’t need extra funds to care for him. In the longer term, all the grandparents would assist financially. FIL was an accountant and knows his way around death of a parent to a minor paperwork and process. He wouldn’t be alone. But man, it’s hard to see it , you know? 

[Pen]

20 minutes ago, MEmama said:

Excellent points.

In the worst case scenario, I’m certain friends would take him in for the immediate. They wouldn’t need extra funds to care for him. In the longer term, all the grandparents would assist financially. FIL was an accountant and knows his way around death of a parent to a minor paperwork and process. He wouldn’t be alone. But man, it’s hard to see it , you know? 

 

I suggest you ask FIL what he suggests doing for now!  And if any seems useful for others of us to know and not too private, Maybe post it?

[MEmama]

31 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I suggest you ask FIL what he suggests doing for now!  And if any seems useful for others of us to know and not too private, Maybe post it?

Good idea. I’ll see if DH is up for that convo.