Have your parents ever shared their regrets about their child-rearing years?

[Apiphobic]

Or do any of you who have children that've already flown the nest feel any regrets or wish you'd done things differently?

 

My parents are visiting for the holidays.

The thread about the dw who let herself go, doesn't clean or cook enough, and the dh that works 60 hrs a week reminded me of a conversation I had with my mom. She said she regretted the time she spent worrying about catching up on the laundry and cleaning house and wishes she'd taken the time to play games with me and my brother when we were little. She also said she regrets not doing enough of what we (my brother and I) wanted to do instead of doing what my dad and she wanted to do (i.e., camping and fishing). In other words, she wishes she'd given us more options about what we wanted to do for family time.

 

I see my parents with my kids and it's almost like they're trying to make up for the time they lost with their own kids (my brother and me). It's sweet. And it reminds me not to make the same mistakes.

 

I've also heard some fathers express regret that they worked so many hours and lost the time they could've spent with their kids.

 

So, I'm curious about what regrets your parents may have shared with you or that you may have after your child/ren has/have left your home.

Edited November 24, 2008 by Apiphobic

[dirty ethel rackham]

My mom regretted spanking and yelling so much. She wishes she spent more time listening.

[LizzyBee]

My physically and emotionally abusive mother would never in a million years admit she made any mistakes. :glare:

[Guest]

Sometimes I wish mine would share *a* regret with me. In my mind she was so perfect and I feel that I am constantly trying (and failing) to live up to her standards.

 

Sorry. Just had to get that off my chest. Ha - that will probably BE my biggest regret - trying to live up to her.

[1bassoon]

Yes - even though there were only 2 of us (my brother & I), my mom has said she wished she had let us "work it out" instead of always being the peacemaker between us. She thinks our relationship would have been stronger if we had worked through our difficulties on our own.

 

I tend to agree. And I'm trying to follow that advice as we raise our own bunch.

 

Great post! Thanks!

[KrissiK]

That's an interesting question, Stacey. I was wondering how you felt about what she said? Did you feel like you missed out or had selfish parents? I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm just wondering because sometimes I feel like there's all this pressure to play with my kids, "don't miss out on these years", etc. etc. and while I am a SAHM and I do give my kids a lot of attention (though I don't play all day with them, and do like to have clean clothes, healthy meals on the table and a reasonably tidy home), I wonder how children managed to grow up and be normal functioning adults from the beginning of time till say, the 1960's when modern conveniences were enough to free up a housewife to spend a little more time with her children.

[melissel]

My parents are visiting for the holidays.

The thread about the dw who let herself go, doesn't clean or cook enough, and the dh that works 60 hrs a week reminded me of a conversation I had with my mom.

 

What? Have I been posting here in my sleep again?? Sounds like me :D

 

Anyway, yes. My mom's here three days a week (she's our "nanny," which is sometimes a plus, sometimes not :rolleyes:), and I see the same things. She expresses regrets about how they parented me all the time, and she's a totally different grandmom than she was a mom. However, I know she also sees how being a working mom affected the way she parented, and I know she tries very hard to ease the burden on me as much as she can so that I can be the mom I want to be to my girls. I'm grateful for her every day.

 

My dad? I don't know if he has regrets. He probably does, though he's not given to regretfulness or self-doubt. He was a difficult man to grow up with, and he's still a harsh and difficult man to live with (for my mom, I mean), but he's an absolute teddy bear with the girls--a total pushover.

[Michelle T]

My mother has apologized for being such a lousy mom during the couple years between my biological father and stepfather. Truthfully, she has always been a lousy mother, not just during that time, but I appreciate her sentiments anyway.

Michelle T

[melissel]

I see my parents with my kids and it's almost like they're trying to make up for the time they lost with their own kids (my brother and me). It's sweet. And it reminds me not to make the same mistakes.

 

And this part--my mom does say this, too, but I also think it's part of the benefit of being a grandparent. They get all the glory without too much of the work, so it's easier to make up for lost time. My mom comes here and does all kinds of fun stuff with the girls, and then gets to go home to her own clean house and normal bedtime. That makes it easy to have the energy and emotional resources for the really fun stuff with the kids.

[LisaKinVA]

My mom wishes she hadn't been as rigid (think Bill Gothard), had heard about homeschooling earlier, and hadn't put us in the private school where three of us rode public transit 1hr. to and from school, plus walked 1mile down a VERY busy road in San Jose, CA. (Because the transport situation was horrible, and the school wasn't much better!)

 

Lisa

[momtoboys]

Real regret, no. . .a kind of belated "i'm sorry for whatever mistakes I made" right before I got married from my mom. But half the stuff she would *never* in a million years admit to now, even though all of us kids remember it and know it's true. As for my dad, never anything.

[Parrothead]

Real regret, no. . .a kind of belated "i'm sorry for whatever mistakes I made" right before I got married from my mom. But half the stuff she would *never* in a million years admit to now, even though all of us kids remember it and know it's true. As for my dad, never anything.

:iagree:Our moms were cut from the same cloth.

[Danestress]

But they both have expressed regrets. To me, they were both really great parents. Not perfect (by any stretch) but good. They feel more regrets about being too strict, condemning and controlling with my older sister, and being too lenient with my younger.

 

They definitely have been really great parents to adult children - all of us. They have respected our marriages, loved our husband, adored our children, and just been really good in many ways. So while I know my parents just feel really bad about some bad incidents in childhood, I always remind them that you are parents of adults for 40 years or so, so that's more important.

 

They have been really sweet grandparents, too.

[dragons in the flower bed]

My mom had a baby when my brother and I were in our late teens, and has parented her very differently than she did the two of us. She's very aware, when she parents our sister in front of me, that every thing she does is different. It comes up almost every time we see each other. She brings it up.

 

I was a space cadet when I was a kid, always had my head in the clouds, never remembered a thing. She was a frantically busy single mom. Once in a while I'd come out of my fog and try to help her by cleaning or cooking something. She'd notice how poorly a job I'd done, scream and punish me for making extra work for her, then disappear to work while I retreated back into my daydreams. She often mentions regretting that. She apologizes and says she wishes she had known about my health problems and how they affect behavior. She wishes that she had been as well off as she is now, that she hadn't been so short tempered, that she had appreciated my intentions instead of punishing the results.

 

The only thing I regret, now, is that my kids haven't had a yard for the majority of their childhood.

[Murphy101]

Real regret, no. . But half the stuff she would *never* in a million years admit to now, even though all of us kids remember it and know it's true. As for my dad, never anything.

 

The only real regret mine ever had was that they had kids at all.:glare:

[Peela]

Although my parents are pretty human and we have a good relationship, they don't really express regrets. I left home at 16 and didnt see them much for the next 15 years until I had kids- I think they were so hurt by that- even though they both behaved pretty selfishly- they don't dare open up the can of worms that is all those years.

 

However when I was living elsewhere and visiting my mother for a rare visit when I was 16 or 17, when things were really raw and sore between us, she did express the regret that she wished she had been stricter with my brother and I. She felt she lost control too soon- we were really good kids until I went off the rails about age 14. Both parents were fairly relaxed, they trusted us, and we had a lot of good times as a family befroe my parents separated when I was 13. But I was simply not given enough support when they separated and I went into depression- her answer was to try and crack down on me, but the horse had already bolted, she had already lost control by the time she tried to reign in my wildness.

FOr some reason it has always stuck in my mind though, that she told me she wshes she had been a much stricter parent. I dont wish she was- and I think she said that at a time she was hurting since I had left home to be with a man at 16- and not because overall that was needed. What was needed was for both parents to wake up out of their new love affair dreams and pay attention to the hurting children.

[Kanga]

My dad has expressed regret that he "pushed me to be a little adult" and has encouraged me to not follow his example and instead let my kids be kids.

 

Kangatwo and Tigger were in their teens when I announced that I was pregnant with Rew. Tigger said, "I hope you have learned from your mistakes and do a better job with this kid". :lol: I asked him to give me a list of things he thought I should do differently. His list included:

 

1. No long drives on holidays

2. No boring family dinners on holidays. (this means with my dh's very formal family)

3. Don't take him to a 4000 sq. ft. house filled with wood floors unless you are going to let him take off his shoes and "skate" through the house. (another reference to dh's formal family)

4.Try to find some "normal" homeschool friends for him. I asked him to define normal and he said, "just try to avoid militant vegetarians and religious fanatics. It would have been nice to have been able to discuss dinosaurs while eating burgers and fries with my friends! I think it is too much to ask a kid to constantly walk on eggshells so as not to offend some faction in the hs community."

 

My dd's comment on my parenting: Kangatwo walks up to me one day and said, "I always thought that we turned out so well because you laid down the law when we were very young, and have had to do very little dicsplining since. However, now that I watch you with Rew, I really have no idea how we turned out so well!"

 

I am leary of actually hitting send. I know my IRL friends would freak if they knew how openly my dc speak to me. They would take it as a sign of disrespect, but it is not said rudely and I like knowing what my dc are actually thinking - I usually find it very amusing. I agree with my son and am sick of walking on eggshells around hsers, so I am hitting send!

[cathmom]

Interesting question. My dad has told me he regrets leaving so many decisions about what I could do to my mom, while I never took them to him because I thought he wasn't interested. Kind of like "Mom's in charge of us." He regrets this because my mom was rather inconsistent - one day something was OK, the next day it wasn't.

 

I don't think my mom has ever said anything she regrets. I'll have to think about that.

 

With my oldest child, who is now 19, I regret not keeping up his German when we got back from staying in Germany for a month when he was 5.

 

For all my dc, I regret moving so far out in the country because it's hard for them to anything, see friends, etc. We spend too much time in the car.

[TraceyS/FL]

My Dad regrets all the hours he worked that took him away from us, that they never did the pull us out of school to go on vacation thing - the family time he missed.

 

Most of his friends would/do say the same thing - they regret missing out on family time and would make changes doing it over.

[melissel]

My dad has expressed regret that he "pushed me to be a little adult" and has encouraged me to not follow his example and instead let my kids be kids.

 

Kangatwo and Tigger were in their teens when I announced that I was pregnant with Rew. Tigger said, "I hope you have learned from your mistakes and do a better job with this kid". :lol: I asked him to give me a list of things he thought I should do differently. His list included:

 

1. No long drives on holidays

2. No boring family dinners on holidays. (this means with my dh's very formal family)

3. Don't take him to a 4000 sq. ft. house filled with wood floors unless you are going to let him take off his shoes and "skate" through the house. (another reference to dh's formal family)

4.Try to find some "normal" homeschool friends for him. I asked him to define normal and he said, "just try to avoid militant vegetarians and religious fanatics. It would have been nice to have been able to discuss dinosaurs while eating burgers and fries with my friends! I think it is too much to ask a kid to constantly walk on eggshells so as not to offend some faction in the hs community."

 

My dd's comment on my parenting: Kangatwo walks up to me one day and said, "I always thought that we turned out so well because you laid down the law when we were very young, and have had to do very little dicsplining since. However, now that I watch you with Rew, I really have no idea how we turned out so well!"

 

I am leary of actually hitting send. I know my IRL friends would freak if they knew how openly my dc speak to me. They would take it as a sign of disrespect, but it is not said rudely and I like knowing what my dc are actually thinking - I usually find it very amusing. I agree with my son and am sick of walking on eggshells around hsers, so I am hitting send!

 

:lol: I think it's awesome. What wise, insightful kids you have!

[Scarlett]

My mom wishes she had not spanked my brother...and that she had not yelled at us so much...and that she had listened to her own gut more with my db especially instead of well intended council that wasn't good for him.

 

She wishes she had not been 'afraid' of us, for lack of a better word. She was young and sees now she had much more influence over us even as late teens than she realized.

 

But she was a good mom. She was with us all the time and we went and did things and played and invited friends over and just enjoyed life.

[swellmomma]

nope, according to my mom she has no regrets, she thinks she did it all perfectly. I on the other hand, have major regrets about my kids already and they are still many mnay years from flying the coop

[Scarlett]

My dad has expressed regret that he "pushed me to be a little adult" and has encouraged me to not follow his example and instead let my kids be kids.

 

Kangatwo and Tigger were in their teens when I announced that I was pregnant with Rew. Tigger said, "I hope you have learned from your mistakes and do a better job with this kid". :lol: I asked him to give me a list of things he thought I should do differently. His list included:

 

1. No long drives on holidays

2. No boring family dinners on holidays. (this means with my dh's very formal family)

3. Don't take him to a 4000 sq. ft. house filled with wood floors unless you are going to let him take off his shoes and "skate" through the house. (another reference to dh's formal family)

4.Try to find some "normal" homeschool friends for him. I asked him to define normal and he said, "just try to avoid militant vegetarians and religious fanatics. It would have been nice to have been able to discuss dinosaurs while eating burgers and fries with my friends! I think it is too much to ask a kid to constantly walk on eggshells so as not to offend some faction in the hs community."

 

My dd's comment on my parenting: Kangatwo walks up to me one day and said, "I always thought that we turned out so well because you laid down the law when we were very young, and have had to do very little dicsplining since. However, now that I watch you with Rew, I really have no idea how we turned out so well!"

 

I am leary of actually hitting send. I know my IRL friends would freak if they knew how openly my dc speak to me. They would take it as a sign of disrespect, but it is not said rudely and I like knowing what my dc are actually thinking - I usually find it very amusing. I agree with my son and am sick of walking on eggshells around hsers, so I am hitting send!

 

I enjoyed your post! I got a real kick out of your dc's observations.

[Sweetpeach]

My mom and I have a pretty good relationship because she's able to say to me: "Oh Tricia, I wish "blah" could have been different" or things like, "When you know better, you do better . . . and if I'd known then what I know now, I'd have been a much different parent."

 

Her perspective of wishing as much as I do that things could have been different has been made our relationship bloom.

 

Watching her grandparent is a joy to me.

[Heather in Neverland]

My mom's one big regret was that she wished she knew about homeschooling because she would have homeschooled all 3 of us in a heartbeat.

[Paula in PA]

My mom had told me shortly before she died that her biggest regret was going to work when I was 2 and not being there for me like she was for my older sisters and brother. My dad has said numerous times that he wishes he would have had more family time and less work time when we were young. Both of their admissions have had a definite impact on how we've chosen to raise dd.

[Hillary in KS]

My parents haven't expressed any regrets.

 

I love my parents, and I think I had a great childhood. (Not perfect, but *I* enjoyed it)

 

My parents were of the generation that had lives separate from their children. Their lives didn't revolve around us. We were a big part of their lives, but not their focus.

 

They don't have any regrets they have expressed. And neither do I, really. (Except the pony I never got for Christmas.) :tongue_smilie:

[Jean in Newcastle]

My parents regretted putting us in boarding school (my siblings when they were aged 7 to 11, myself when I was 11). They did not really know us for much of our formative years.

[Apiphobic]

That's an interesting question, Stacey. I was wondering how you felt about what she said?

 

The first part (wishing she'd spent more time with us instead of always cleaning) she'd mentioned years ago, and I honestly think she was trying to tell me to lighten up and enjoy my time with my little ones. I'm trying to remember the particulars. She did say it goes by so fast that you turn around and wonder where the time went and who this/these adult child/ren is/are.

 

I do remember visiting my parents years ago with my oldest (and only, at the time) when she was about 18 months old. My mom thought I was much too strict with her and needed to relax a little. So I remember the few times she mentioned her regrets as a gentle reminder to not stress so much about the house cleaning and disciplining every little thing, and to just enjoy what little time I'll have with my kids. You know with your first child how you're so aware of everything and want to do everything right -- no mistakes. That's where I was. Then I was able to relax a little when my other dc came.

 

The recent post I'd mentioned earlier (about dw letting go, not cooking or cleaning enough and dh working 60 hrs) reminded me of her advice, and I brought it up with her again today. That's when she said she regretted just doing what she and my dad wanted to do instead of trying to do more of what my brother and I wanted to do. I have to admit I was surprised to hear this. I have fond memories of my family camping and fishing, so I don't know why she felt like we'd missed out or anything.

 

Maybe she is once again trying to gently advise dh and me. Perhaps we need to listen to our dc's opinions more than we do.

(Dh and I personally, not you.)

 

If we're being honest with ourselves, I'm sure we all have regrets when it comes to our dc. I just hope that we can heed the advice of those that have BTDT and use that experience to better our children's lives.

You know, instead of insisting on making our own mistakes. :D

Edited November 25, 2008 by Apiphobic

[Apiphobic]

I am leary of actually hitting send. I know my IRL friends would freak if they knew how openly my dc speak to me. They would take it as a sign of disrespect, but it is not said rudely and I like knowing what my dc are actually thinking - I usually find it very amusing. I agree with my son and am sick of walking on eggshells around hsers, so I am hitting send!

 

I'm so glad you hit send. I loved it.

[Rosie_0801]

One would get the idea, from listening to Dad, that he regretted having kids at all. He has a charming sense of humour that compels him to make unpleasant comments and think he's funny. He still holds a grudge against me for throwing a ball in the opposite direction from where he was standing, and that was more than 20 years ago. *sigh*

Mum said she wished she had bought us up the way she wanted to instead of the way she thought she should. I thought that was a very peculiar thing to say, but I don't take nearly as much notice of my family's opinions as she took of hers, I guess.

 

Rosie

[joannqn]

When my dad became sober and accepted that he was an alcoholic, he visited one day to make amends with me. I never thought I'd see him sober or hear him agree that he was a lousy father.

 

My mother continues to pretend life was and is all hunky dory despite the fact that I've cut her out of my life a few times and we have almost no relationship at all. She's only seen one of my children and that was almost nine years ago. She doesn't seem to care all that much about meeting them either. She's never spoken to them on the phone, sent them a letter, or mailed a gift to them. When we do talk (about once a year), it's all surface, nonsense, newsy stuff she wants to chat about.

[Apiphobic]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Some things are going on here, and this topic has really given me a lot to ponder.

[cathmom]

One would get the idea, from listening to Dad, that he regretted having kids at all.

Rosie

 

 

My dad told me this "anecdote" once. He told someone that he had to have children so he would have someone to talk to, and the other person asked, "Was it worth it?" He said no.

 

He told me this like it was a joke!

[Plucky]

My dad told me this "anecdote" once. He told someone that he had to have children so he would have someone to talk to, and the other person asked, "Was it worth it?" He said no.

 

He told me this like it was a joke!

 

Were some people raised that children were a burden? I wonder if it's generational? My mom always made sure we knew we had to be out by 18 and raising us was a supreme headache. Needless to say we all left before 18. I don't think she even remembers the tone of our home.

 

She was visiting recently and while watching a movie about some teenagers with us announced that teens were God's way of telling parents it's time for them to fly the coop. My dd looked at her oddly and my mother said, "What?" I told her that we've never talked like that and that I liked my teens and want them around.

 

My mom was surprised my dd thought it odd. My dd was surprised that anyone would talk about kid or their kids that way. LOL People think they are being so funny sometimes they don't think about what it says about them. :glare:

[cathmom]

Were some people raised that children were a burden? I wonder if it's generational? My mom always made sure we knew we had to be out by 18 and raising us was a supreme headache. Needless to say we all left before 18. I don't think she even remembers the tone of our home.

 

She was visiting recently and while watching a movie about some teenagers with us announced that teens were God's way of telling parents it's time for them to fly the coop. My dd looked at her oddly and my mother said, "What?" I told her that we've never talked like that and that I liked my teens and want them around.

 

My mom was surprised my dd thought it odd. My dd was surprised that anyone would talk about kid or their kids that way. LOL People think they are being so funny sometimes they don't think about what it says about them. :glare:

 

No, I was not raised like I was a burden. My father said this to me in my early 20s.

[chaik76]

Yep, my mother has shared some regrets with me. I watch her correct those things while she's with my children and it makes me both jealous and happy...happy that she's overcome them, and jealous that I didn't get those things...I'm working on it!

The one thing that always held me through was that she loved me, and I knew it. It scared me sometimes too, because sometimes the only thing that held her up was loving me, and that's a big responsibility.

[Kanga]

Yep, my mother has shared some regrets with me. I watch her correct those things while she's with my children and it makes me both jealous and happy...happy that she's overcome them, and jealous that I didn't get those things...I'm working on it!

 

I have a serious case of sibling rivalry with my Dad's...dog! ;) He plays with that dog more than he ever played with me! Every conversation with his dog begins with sweetie or sugar. :tongue_smilie: He even takes her outside and makes snow balls with her in the winter!

 

Seriously, he was/is a great Dad. He wasn't perfect and by today's standards he would probably be considered the missing link, but I think he did the best he could given his upbringing and resources.

[Rosie_0801]

My dad told me this "anecdote" once. He told someone that he had to have children so he would have someone to talk to, and the other person asked, "Was it worth it?" He said no.

He told me this like it was a joke!

 

Charming. How's this? "I feel sorry for any bloke who ends up with you." He first said that to me when I was about 12, and I paid no attention, being completely uninterested in boys. He said it again when I was 21 and I smiled and told him if he ever said it again I'd thump him so hard his false teeth would fall out. He laughed, and never said it again. Needless to say, I was very careful when I was going "dad shopping" for my future kids.

The stupid thing about it all is he actually doesn't regret having children. I find it weird that people would have children they don't want, but even more weird that people would act as though they regret having kids when they really don't. That's pretty sad, huh?

 

Rosie

[Barb_]

HA! Sounds like your kids and my oldest two would get along famously :D They are a riot!

 

Barb

 

My dad has expressed regret that he "pushed me to be a little adult" and has encouraged me to not follow his example and instead let my kids be kids.

 

Kangatwo and Tigger were in their teens when I announced that I was pregnant with Rew. Tigger said, "I hope you have learned from your mistakes and do a better job with this kid". :lol: I asked him to give me a list of things he thought I should do differently. His list included:

 

1. No long drives on holidays

2. No boring family dinners on holidays. (this means with my dh's very formal family)

3. Don't take him to a 4000 sq. ft. house filled with wood floors unless you are going to let him take off his shoes and "skate" through the house. (another reference to dh's formal family)

4.Try to find some "normal" homeschool friends for him. I asked him to define normal and he said, "just try to avoid militant vegetarians and religious fanatics. It would have been nice to have been able to discuss dinosaurs while eating burgers and fries with my friends! I think it is too much to ask a kid to constantly walk on eggshells so as not to offend some faction in the hs community."

 

My dd's comment on my parenting: Kangatwo walks up to me one day and said, "I always thought that we turned out so well because you laid down the law when we were very young, and have had to do very little dicsplining since. However, now that I watch you with Rew, I really have no idea how we turned out so well!"

 

I am leary of actually hitting send. I know my IRL friends would freak if they knew how openly my dc speak to me. They would take it as a sign of disrespect, but it is not said rudely and I like knowing what my dc are actually thinking - I usually find it very amusing. I agree with my son and am sick of walking on eggshells around hsers, so I am hitting send!