How angry would you be over this...

[PineFarmMom]

I think I need some wisdom in handling a situation and whether I am angrier than I should be. <I just read my whole post, and I am certain I'm not as angry as I should be>. My 5yo and 10yo sons go to Awana. We live about 20 minutes away from where the church where it is located. My 10yo ds has a friend down the block who goes with him. I am typically the one who takes and picks up. The mother of this boy has a history of being unreliable herself and to have an unreliable car, so I have found it simpler to be entirely responsible for the delivery to Awana. My oldest son takes it very seriously and wants to be there on time, so I try to honor that by being the one to take him, ensuring he'll be there at 6:30. This week, the mom purchased a new, reliable car, and told me that to show gratitude to me for all I've done, she'd like to pick the boys up and bring them home so I could go straight home after dropping them off. I said yes.

 

Awana is over at 8:15. 9:20 rolls around and they aren't here yet. Dh said he was getting angry and for me to call. Our history with this woman is that her life is chaos and if we aren't careful, she brings her chaos into our life. I call, and she told me she had just left a friend's home and had accidentally taken the lady's keys and had to take them back to her. Yes, I'm thinking WHY did you go to a friend's house with my children? So she is, at this point, on her way back to the friend's home with the keys. I then told her that I didn't know if she was stopping for fast food but that I did not want my boys to have any because they ate before we left, and it was too late to eat junk. She had been about to buy them some at 9:20 p.m. So I wait and she pulls up in front of my home with the boys at 9:50. with. my. 5yo!!! I didn't go talk to her because I was too angry.

 

If that was all, that would be enough...more than plenty. 10yo ds comes in and seems distracted and a little angry. He calls my 13yo dd to her room so he can talk to her. To preface, this family has a dd that is an on-again, off-again friend with my 13yo dd. I went and told ds that if there was a problem I wanted to know, anything that was upsetting to him. He told me that after Awana, they had gone to pick up the daughter at the daughter's friend's home. The friend came running out crying, telling my children's taxi mom how mean that the daughter had been to her, trying to get some girls at this function they had attended to beat her up, etc., just a bunch of girl drama that did NOT shed a good light on my dd's friend, particularly with my 10yo son...he was furious with her, apparently, after hearing all she had done to this girl. The mom got upset, drama ensued, while my boys are in the back seat listening to it all, and burning up because the car was hot. It all finished up and the friend got in the car, crying, etc., and proceeds to sit beside my 5yo and hold on to him, hugging him, and crying the whole way home, while stopping for fast food (probably 20-30 minutes). My 10yo said she clung to my 5yo like he was her comfort or something. My 5yo said it made him uncomfortable. I just feel furious. There are so many levels here. I know there are problems here, and I should have just stayed with my instinct and not let her take my children home. I know I need firmer boundaries, but should I just confront this mom and let her know how many problems I have with what went on? She has a lot of problems in her life, lots of chaos, lots of hurt. She's a single mom who struggles.

 

T

[Renee in NC]

I simply wouldn't let my dc go with her anymore. No reason to be angry or anything else. It just isn't worth the drama involved.

[SonshineLearner]

Sorry you have to deal with this, I don't know how I would deal with whatever is already done, but I would pick up my children from now on. Sorry:-(

Carrie

[Pam L in Mid Tenn]

I, too, would be angry. But, I might just let it go this time. Next week, tell her "Thanks, but no thanks". Tell her that you are in the habit of taking/picking up from Awana and that you'd just rather continue doing it. If she wants to reciprocate your kindness, maybe you could think of another way.

[Parrothead]

I, too, would be angry. But, I might just let it go this time. Next week, tell her "Thanks, but no thanks". Tell her that you are in the habit of taking/picking up from Awana and that you'd just rather continue doing it. If she wants to reciprocate your kindness, maybe you could think of another way.

:iagree: She can't make you angry if you don't let her. Do what you can to avoid situations where you know she will tick you off.

[Kris]

While it might make you feel better to confront her about all of this, I wouldn't bother. She probably won't "get it" and you won't really solve anything -- and if anything it will just add more unnecessary drama to the equation. The solution to your problem is to just do all the "taxi-ing" yourself.

[runningirl71]

I simply wouldn't let my dc go with her anymore. No reason to be angry or anything else. It just isn't worth the drama involved.

 

:iagree: We have a slightly different situation, but the same in that we have a neighbor who can really tick us off in the way she treats our children. She has called to confront me before (over a "problem" that wasn't a problem) and I took that opportunity to be honest with her. I don't go out of my way to confront/talk to her though as I really feel it isn't worth the drama. She is one of these ladies who doesn't see past her nose, so why bother?

 

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this frustration. As other posters have said, I would simply take charge of taking and picking up kids from church. You could simply tell your friend that you would like to do this as a service/kindness to her. If she pursues you more, you can then be honest with her. Hopefully at a time when your anger subsides!

:grouphug:

[WTMCassandra]

Yes, I would be really angry.

 

However.

 

I agree with the others that she will not "get it" if you try to talk to her about this.

 

I would let my anger motivate me to make a serious change--a personal rule that my children would not ride with her. Ever. Anywhere. No way, no how.

 

But I think expressing your anger to her would only bewilder her and trigger more drama as she tries to defend herself and the drama in her wake. She probably doesn't know how to function without drama and probably has no concept of bedtimes and emotional appropriateness.

 

I know someone like this, and as sweet as she is, she knows no other way to be. So we are friends, but my children are NEVER in her care for any reason and if I go there to help her with something, I go alone, and I have clear internal boundaries about when I arrive and when I leave, no matter WHAT is happening. I also make sure I am completely independent, not depending on her for food or transportation.

[teamturner]

I say she never has your dc in her car ever again. She is clearly not responsible enough and just has too much drama that your dc do not need to be a part of. It's wonderful if you continue to take her ds to Awana. That poor kid probably needs the stability and encouragement he gets there. I wouldn't say anything about the incident to her rather just count it as a lesson learned to not put your dc in that situation again. And then just pray for her and her dc. :001_smile:

 

Edit to add: your dc are not left at her house w/o you either.

[missplacedalaskan]

Yep I agree, no need to add more drama to the situation. I know you are angry as I would be as well, but just let it go and don't allow your children to be in the situation. You are already accustomed to driving the kids to/from Awana, so just let the friend know that you will continue to do that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

She has a history of being unreliable and of having chaos that spills over into your life. I can understand why you would have wanted to let her be the taxi for a change (I would have probably done the same). But when she proved to be yet again unreliable (and not just because of what car she's driving) then I would simply take over the driving duties again. For whatever reason she doesn't have the skills, maturity or "intestinal fortitude" to make good choices for your kids. So don't put her in that position.

[Blueridge]

Perhaps, now that your friend has her own transportation now, she might prefer to transport her own children to Awana and you can transport your own children there yourself.

Ginger

[Crissy]

Unless you specifically asked her to bring the children directly home after AWANA, confronting her will probably only cause her to shrug her shoulders and tell you she didn't know that's what you wanted.

While it probably seems like common sense to a lot of people to have a 5yo home and in bed long before she finally arrived, it's just not the way some families do it.

Based on what you shared, it seems that she was trying to pick up a number of children from different locations, get them fed and deliver everyone to the proper homes.

The drama between friends, the heat in the car and the neediness of her daughter appear to be individual issues over which she had little or no control.

 

I don't think any of it is worth continuing to be angry over. It was a good lesson in the way this woman conducts her family business and now you can choose whether you want to be party to her brand of chaos in the future.

 

:grouphug:

[melissel]

Unless you specifically asked her to bring the children directly home after AWANA, confronting her will probably only cause her to shrug her shoulders and tell you she didn't know that's what you wanted.

While it probably seems like common sense to a lot of people to have a 5yo home and in bed long before she finally arrived, it's just not the way some families do it.

Based on what you shared, it seems that she was trying to pick up a number of children from different locations, get them fed and deliver everyone to the proper homes.

The drama between friends, the heat in the car and the neediness of her daughter appear to be individual issues over which she had little or no control.

 

I don't think any of it is worth continuing to be angry over. It was a good lesson in the way this woman conducts her family business and now you can choose whether you want to be party to her brand of chaos in the future.

 

:grouphug:

 

I was thinking along the same lines. I'd be completely annoyed about the drama too, but it doesn't sound like she intentionally did anything especially dangerous or irresponsible, she just doesn't operate the same way you do. We go to bed later than most (between 9 and 11, depending on the day/kid) because we rise later than most, and if we were all starving and I had nothing easy at home, I wouldn't hesitate to stop for some kind of fast food at that time of night either. The drama with the girls wasn't pretty, but I think with girls at that age at a get-together, it's pretty common (though maybe not quite that high-level, blech, but you're also hearing the details of the gathering second- or third-hand).

 

All that said, I probably would do as the others have suggested and just manage the driving myself, bringing her kid or not, whichever you choose. No one needs extra drama in their lives for any reason, so I'd just take back the duties, and if she pushed about why, then I'd explain that I was uncomfortable with how that night had gone and would rather just take care of the whole thing myself. She might be annoyed and back off from the "friendship," but oh well. You have to worry about your family first, always.

[Stacy in NJ]

She has a history of being unreliable and of having chaos that spills over into your life. I can understand why you would have wanted to let her be the taxi for a change (I would have probably done the same). But when she proved to be yet again unreliable (and not just because of what car she's driving) then I would simply take over the driving duties again. For whatever reason she doesn't have the skills, maturity or "intestinal fortitude" to make good choices for your kids. So don't put her in that position.

 

Yes, I agree. I would have a brief, friendly conversation with her, though. I'd let her know that the extra chaos was uncomfortable for your family, both kiddies and adults. I'd say something like, "About the other night, we really like to have the boys home directly after ANAWA so they can get a good nights sleep. I understand that you had other things to do, but......" And then tell her how much you enjoyed driving all the kids, including hers, to ANAWA and that you want to continue to do that yourself. Maybe she could drive "in case of an emergency", which will never come.

 

I would communicate this to her because it really may be helpful to her to understand why you behave the way to do. She might, huge might - here, but MIGHT get a clue and alter her behavior - someday.

 

Agree with the other posters, though, in that she isn't the right person, for both your sake and your dc, to ever depend on.

[Tammyla]

I'd be upset, I'd get over and drive my family myself.

 

I agree with the poster that mentioned different families have different ideas of what is acceptable/normal. In my case the entire night would have gone against my degree of normal/acceptable. However, I'd simply not confront her about this and just move on.

[mrsdash]

Yep, I'd not bother because if it were me, nothing she could offer would make the whole situation acceptable. It would just not be worth my time. Lesson learned.

[Stacey in MA]

This woman/family clearly has different boundary, rules, and values than yours. If they were my kids, they would never ever ride again with the woman, and play maybe only outside of the house in my yard (where I could watch and listen and monitor). It's not to say I would be rude at Awana or wherever else you encounter each other, but just is to there would be a polite distance and firm boundary.

 

I can relate to the wishfulness of wanting another to help out, share rides, share kiddie care duty, etc. But we can't just pick anyone, and this lady is obviously not up to being trusted to notice your expectations, care about your expectations, or deliver the proper treatment and behavior when around your kids.

 

Wow, some people.

 

Good luck! - Stacey in MA

[bettyandbob]

I would just tell her that since she has a new car that it will be easier on both families if you each drive on your own. And just leave it there.

 

Whatever happens don't get drawn into a discussion with her about the events of last night. She will be defensive and find all kinds of justification. You are already angry. You don't need to get angrier. Showing anger just makes the angry person look bad, even if there is a good reason. Just keep saying it just makes sense for your family to drive by itself.

[Harriet Vane]

Yes, I would be really angry.

 

However.

 

I agree with the others that she will not "get it" if you try to talk to her about this.

 

I would let my anger motivate me to make a serious change--a personal rule that my children would not ride with her. Ever. Anywhere. No way, no how.

 

But I think expressing your anger to her would only bewilder her and trigger more drama as she tries to defend herself and the drama in her wake. She probably doesn't know how to function without drama and probably has no concept of bedtimes and emotional appropriateness.

 

I know someone like this, and as sweet as she is, she knows no other way to be. So we are friends, but my children are NEVER in her care for any reason and if I go there to help her with something, I go alone, and I have clear internal boundaries about when I arrive and when I leave, no matter WHAT is happening. I also make sure I am completely independent, not depending on her for food or transportation.

 

:iagree: Very well said.

 

Sorry it happened. :grouphug:

[kalanamak]

I'd be plenty angry but nothing you say will change her so move on and be firm about never allowing her to be responsible for your kids.ever.

 

:iagree:

 

Would you be angry with an apple because it wasn't a banana. Not only do leopards not change their spots, they wear them every where they go.

[abbeyej]

I agree with the others. No point in being angry or confrontational -- just avoid her drama by severing carpooling ties.

[texascamps]

I'd try to forgive her and give her another chance. After all its AWANA. Maybe she needs more help from you getting her kids back and forth. I wouldn't take her problems so personally. She may be incredibly grateful to you, even if she doesn't show it, in her heart.

 

If we are dealing with people who have issues, I usually take my older kids aside, present the situation and ask them to have a little understanding. Once they can look at the situation from the outside they can overlook others faults. Flaky people pop up everywhere and often they just need a little help.

 

I have a friend who was so flaky and scattered that many times I wanted to "give up" because her issues were so serious and exhausting on me an my family. But I didn't, I did whatever I could for here whenever I could....because remember when we do for others, its like we are doing for Christ.

 

But now, this friend, has settled many of her issues and her son went from someone we dreaded to see into a good friend. She and I actually have a good solid friendship now and I'm glad I didn't give up.

[Tracey in TX]

Car pools are wonderful when they work well. If it backfires, more energy is expended fixing the problems than simply driving to the activities.

I would excuse myself from the carpool stating the erratic return times just don't work with the children. She really won't understand, but at least you would be honest.

 

I had to remove DCs from a great family friend's home and car pool after several poor parental choices (ie driving my girls in back seat--w/o the seats!- and allowing boys to swim while parents are still in bed, despite my rule of no pool w/o supervision). It stinks, but children's safety and mental well being must come first.

[EKS]

I would be angry too, but I probably wouldn't confront the mom. I would either just take my own kids from now on. You could take her child too, but that just keeps her in your life.. I would just tell her that it works out for you better if you take and pick up.

[Lacie]

I would be angry. But the best thing to do IMO (as others have said) is to not let the kids get in the car with her again and not go to her house unsupervised. If she presses the issue and needs a reason, then be honest with her and tell her the problems you had when she picked them up.

 

I'm sorry that your kids' friends' have such an unreliable and irresponsible mother and that it is affecting you and your kids. If you like the friends, I would invite them over as much as possible. It can be a blessing to have an adult that you trust who can give you guidance when your mother can't.

[MrsMe]

She's too irresponsible to be handling anyone's kids.

[Haiku]

<I just read my whole post, and I am certain I'm not as angry as I should be>.

 

It won't do anyone any good to be angry, or angrier. It won't change the situation. You already knew this woman was unreliable and had a chaotic life. Now you just have more confirmation. The only thing you can do is, as you said, avoid the situation in the future. Give your kids the support they need, but let it go.

 

Tara

[Murphy101]

I would let my anger motivate me to make a serious change--a personal rule that my children would not ride with her. Ever. Anywhere. No way, no how.

 

I'll go one further. I wouldn't let her alone with my kids. at. all. in a car or otherwise. She seems unstable.

 

But I think expressing your anger to her would only bewilder her and trigger more drama as she tries to defend herself and the drama in her wake. She probably doesn't know how to function without drama and probably has no concept of bedtimes and emotional appropriateness.

 

 

Yep. To that woman, her life is completely normal and rational and you'll never convince her otherwise.

 

No point in being angry or confrontational -- just avoid her drama by severing carpooling ties.

 

Yep. ASAP.

[PineFarmMom]

No, I didn't confront her. I have "let it go", but with the plan that my children will never go anywhere with her again or be in her care in any situation again. As a matter of fact, my youngest boys won't be with the daughter unsupervised. It was trully just that proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I think the thing that has been bothering me the absolute most about the whole thing is that the 12yo girl was using my 5yo son as her comfort, sitting there blubbering all over him. I mean, he's 5 and stuck in a car with them, with her hugging all over him and crying. He can't get away and is a very shy child and not bold enough yet to express that he didn't like that. That just seems extremely creepy to me. I appreciate everyone's input, and as soon as I started reading the responses, the main point, for me, was that I not go and confront the mom over this. It really would be pointless. She is really just trying to keep her head above water most days, and none of my issues would register at all. I feel for her. I pray for her. I'll continue to help her whenever I can. That will be me doing for her and not asking, expecting, or wanting help from her in that manner ever again!!

[Pretty in Pink]

i think you did the right thing.

 

every family situation is unique. i would not keep my children out that late. i would not do fast food that late if i could avoid it. but to many families this is just routine.

 

a friend offered to keep our boys (we had two children at the time) for a night so dh and i could have a date. we went to a movie, then a late supper, then by walmart to pick up a few items that we needed back at home (how romantic, eh?) anyway, we ran into her at walmart, at midnight!, with her five children and our two. she was doing her weekly grocery shopping! apparently this was her weekly routine and i was unaware...

[Tree House Academy]

I agree, don't confront her. This confirmed what you already knew about her...just let it go and thank God your kids finally made it home safe! Oh...and of course NEVER let her take your kids anywhere again.