Going to a yearly event you dislike

[Mimm]

My husband's grandmother's family has a yearly family reunion. They rent a pavilion in a local park and the kids play and the adults chat and everyone brings food.

I dislike going to this event. I see none of these people between reunions, I don't know them. I'm introverted and don't feel comfortable in large crowds of people I don't know and won't see until next year. The only people I generally talk to are my inlaws and my husband and kids of course. Sometimes I'll be introduced to someone and I am totally willing to talk to them, but generally they're busy catching up with people they actually know and care about. I've been to around 15 of these over the years. 15 times, I attended an event I don't like with people I don't know out of obligation.

And my husband's family is willing to use the "dying soon" guilt trip whenever necessary. "Well we don't know how much longer Grandma will be with us..." Normally they're the normal and functional side of the family but this is one thing they will do. They're also kind and generous. And they feel like a few hours hanging out in a park (on a muggy mosquito infested day) isn't a huge favor to ask.

This year I'm sending two of my daughters and my husband. Middle is spending the day with her boyfriend. But Oldest and Youngest will go. My mother is coming to town and I'm spending the day cleaning the house so I'm skipping out.

But I'm curious as a general policy. What would you do?

Suck it up, be a grown up, and do something nice for an old woman who has been nothing but kind to you the entire time you've known her?

Or decide that you've done your duty attending this thing year after year after year and that enough is enough pretending to be part of an extended part of a family you just aren't really part of?

[Pawz4me]

We have a similar yearly family reunion, except it's my side of the family. We suck it up and go, even though my mom is gone and the family elders are now my remaining uncles and aunt. It means a lot to most of them. I figure I can spare a few hours once a year.

ETA: That doesn't mean I don't moan and groan and dread it every single year. I have learned that my dreading it and moaning and groaning beforehand is really the worst thing about it. The actual event is usually pretty non-eventful. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to stuff like that. 

Edited September 8, 2018 by Pawz4me

[alisoncooks]

We also have a similar family event. It is my family, but it's the side I don't know. I don't love it, but I know my dad and my granddad really like us to be there. When I can't make it, I send my kids to spend that weekend with my folks so they can go. DH attends 50% of the years, depending on his schedule.

I'm an introvert but I do figure I can suck it up for a few hours a year...but I don't really enjoy it. However, despite my feelings, these people are my children's family so I like them to have the experience of a large family gathering (knowing they have lots of relatives "out there.")

Edited September 8, 2018 by alisoncooks

[Heatherwith4]

I think it’s totally acceptable for you to send DH and the kids.  I would be miserable at something like that, too. DH would probably be cool with me skipping, at least some years. 

[unsinkable]

I'd go.

And I like the idea of socializing much more than socializing. I'm happy about invitations and plans and the organizing of get-togethers until it is time to get in the car and ATTEND.

Then I'm like...what can I say or do to get out of this! 

LOL

[Garga]

If they were mean to you, I’d say not go.

But Grandma is nice to you.  It’s not on a holiday that you want your own traditions for (I could see skipping it if this was Christmas and you were miserable every Christmas.). 

I’d hate it, too, absolutely.  Put on some sunblock and bug spray and go.  Be bored and mildly miserable, but do it for Grandma and the kids.  Reward yourself for it by doing something in the next week that you love doing.  (Like get a treat from somewhere, or go to a movie or something.). Think about your reward while you’re there and how much you’ll enjoy it.  ?

[JustEm]

I'd go. But I'd bring a lawn game like ladder ball or bocci and play with the kids.  Or I'd actually try to engage with the people you don't generally talk to. 

[catz]

I suck it up for events like this.   I know it would make someone sad if I didn’t show and it’s like one day a year.   I hope people suck it up for me when I’m old and grey.   I often bring knitting and we might go for a hike as a family if it’s at a park, etc.  We make the best of it.  

Edited September 8, 2018 by FuzzyCatz

[school17777]

Since you have gone for fifteen years, and your dh and some of your dc are attending, I think it should be fine for you to skip.  

For those of you are are saying she should suck it up and continue to go, why when it is her dh’s family and she hasn’t made connections in the fifteen years that she has gone?  It’s not like she is discouraging her dh to go.  (Not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand the reasoning)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I go. I don’t understand blaming things like this on being introverted. I am introverted. I am exhausted afterwards and go recharge in my quiet “cave”.   But while I don’t enjoy it as such, I am capable of making small talk. Also for an outdoor afternoon like that, I might leave for a little walk at some point- perhaps after having visited the bathroom-just as a little socializing break. And I would seek out Grandma or other kind souls (or perhaps another spouse who looks a little lost) for more 1 on 1 conversation. 

[unsinkable]

23 minutes ago, school17777 said:

Since you have gone for fifteen years, and your dh and some of your dc are attending, I think it should be fine for you to skip.  

For those of you are are saying she should suck it up and continue to go, why when it is her dh’s family and she hasn’t made connections in the fifteen years that she has gone?  It’s not like she is discouraging her dh to go.  (Not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand the reasoning)

DH's family became MY family when we married. We're all family...I just don't "know" his "side" as well or as long.

[school17777]

1 minute ago, unsinkable said:

DH's family became MY family when we married. We're all family...I just don't "know" his "side" as well or as long.

 

Gotcha.

This is the way it is on my side, but on dh’s side, not so much (blood is definitely thicker than water) so that may color my perspective.

[Jean in Newcastle]

There has been a lot of talk about aging on this board.  Periodically there is also a lot of talk about socialization.  I think that family and "tribal" attachments are important to us as humans.  And I feel like there is a tendency to cut ourselves off from attachments as we age, to our detriment.  As we age (much older than most of us on this board), our specific peer group will start to shrink but those intergenerational attachments that we have made will become more important. 

[Mimm]

28 minutes ago, school17777 said:

Since you have gone for fifteen years, and your dh and some of your dc are attending, I think it should be fine for you to skip.  

For those of you are are saying she should suck it up and continue to go, why when it is her dh’s family and she hasn’t made connections in the fifteen years that she has gone?  It’s not like she is discouraging her dh to go.  (Not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand the reasoning)

These are my thoughts. I have nothing against these people, they're just not MY people. I was raised without seeing a lot of my extended family so that probably colors my perception and habits. But I haven't spoken to my cousins in decades and have no interest in seeing most of my extended family. My husband's family aren't bad people, of course, but my MIL and FIL don't spend time with them. My husband's grandmother has connections to them and she likes to show off the great grandkids and that's why we go. She likes us to go, and she asks for so little from us.

18 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I go. I don’t understand blaming things like this on being introverted. I am introverted. I am exhausted afterwards and go recharge in my quiet “cave”.   But while I don’t enjoy it as such, I am capable of making small talk. Also for an outdoor afternoon like that, I might leave for a little walk at some point- perhaps after having visited the bathroom-just as a little socializing break. And I would seek out Grandma or other kind souls (or perhaps another spouse who looks a little lost) for more 1 on 1 conversation. 

I'm not "blaming" anything on being introverted, just explaining why such an event is not fun for me. I'm not the type who likes to hang out with a large crowd of people I don't know even if those people are generally nice people. It's not natural or comfortable for me to make a bunch of small talk. My MIL is an extrovert, friendly and never met a stranger in her life, so even though this isn't her side of the family (Grandma is my FIL's mom), this event is more comfortable and enjoyable for her.

 

Just as an update, the event got rained out less than an hour before we were supposed to be there. I'm annoyed because looking at the forecast, they should have known to call it, but they waited till I went to the grocery store in the rain and came home and made food, and then they called it. ??

[school17777]

Is there a rain date?

[unsinkable]

25 minutes ago, school17777 said:

 

Gotcha.

This is the way it is on my side, but on dh’s side, not so much (blood is definitely thicker than water) so that may color my perspective.

I'm not saying we're all peachy-keen...I'm just saying we're family. 

His side didn't welcome me with open arms but they still became my family, too.

[marbel]

2 hours ago, unsinkable said:

I'd go.

And I like the idea of socializing much more than socializing. I'm happy about invitations and plans and the organizing of get-togethers until it is time to get in the car and ATTEND.

Then I'm like...what can I say or do to get out of this! 

LOL

This is me with most social events.  I want to go... then when it's time, I want it to be canceled.

My husband's mom's family has a thing every other year. It's a full weekend because most people have to travel.  We have to travel the farthest, but we've gone several times. I hate it. My kids hate it  Pretty sure my husband doesn't love it.  We didn't go to the last two because it was just logistically impossible. 

I think family connections are important though honestly once my inlaws are gone, there won't be much connection left on that side. My family is all long-distance as well, but I try to keep a connection with them. At least my kids will know that when my husband and I are gone, they will still have cousins who know and love them even if we don't see them much now.

[JustEm]

1 hour ago, school17777 said:

Since you have gone for fifteen years, and your dh and some of your dc are attending, I think it should be fine for you to skip.  

For those of you are are saying she should suck it up and continue to go, why when it is her dh’s family and she hasn’t made connections in the fifteen years that she has gone?  It’s not like she is discouraging her dh to go.  (Not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand the reasoning)

 because they are her family too and it is a family event that is only once a year. I can't imagine how OP hasn't made any connections with these people in 15 years.  I personally would not stop going since it is obviously important to some of the family that people keep coming and they are overall nice people.

[unsinkable]

17 minutes ago, marbel said:

This is me with most social events.  I want to go... then when it's time, I want it to be canceled.

My husband's mom's family has a thing every other year. It's a full weekend because most people have to travel.  We have to travel the farthest, but we've gone several times. I hate it. My kids hate it  Pretty sure my husband doesn't love it.  We didn't go to the last two because it was just logistically impossible. 

I think family connections are important though honestly once my inlaws are gone, there won't be much connection left on that side. My family is all long-distance as well, but I try to keep a connection with them. At least my kids will know that when my husband and I are gone, they will still have cousins who know and love them even if we don't see them much now.

Well, I'm glad I'm in good company about wanting to go places, then getting cold feet, so to speak. I feel like a weirdo but I know YOU'RE not a weirdo so maybe I'm not either.

Maybe???...hahaha

[Mimm]

41 minutes ago, school17777 said:

Is there a rain date?

You mean a date that gets rescheduled? No, they cancel in case of rain. It doesn't get canceled often, this is maybe the second time since I joined the family. ?

8 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

 because they are her family too and it is a family event that is only once a year. I can't imagine how OP hasn't made any connections with these people in 15 years.  I personally would not stop going since it is obviously important to some of the family that people keep coming and they are overall nice people. 

I dunno, maybe I'm cold and unfriendly? ? I show up, bring food, sit around in the same area of picnic tables everyone else is sitting in. Sometimes people come to talk to the people I'm sitting with (Grandma and MIL) and I chat with them but really they're not much interested in me except as a person related to Grandma. I get the sense that the rest of the people see each other between family reunions and are closer friends. They don't actively exclude me but they don't make an effort to get to know me more and our paths don't really cross at all during the rest of the year. I'm not making much of an effort either because there's nothing obvious we have in common except being related by marriage. Though to be fair, I couldn't possibly say "We have nothing in common" because I don't actually know them well enough.

[Shoeless]

Skip it. At best, I would go for an hour and then make an excuse to leave. 

Edited October 4, 2020 by MissLemon

[Bambam]

I'd probably go. I'd hate it, but I would go.

I would look for other people that are there who might feel like outsiders too - the spouses of the other tied-in family members. And I'd go talk to them about whatever. I try to think up a few things to talk about before we get there. I also put on my 'talkative/outgoing persona' (which is not really me) and engage people. I can do this for a couple of hours, but then I'd need to leave. 
I agree with the suggestion to bring a non-active outside game - lawn darts, corn hole, whatever. The kids would probably enjoy playing and I could hang out with them. 

[goldberry]

Sorry, but I vote suck it up.  I would hate it also.  But once a year for family's sake is not too much to ask.

[Crimson Wife]

3 hours ago, school17777 said:

Since you have gone for fifteen years, and your dh and some of your dc are attending, I think it should be fine for you to skip.  

For those of you are are saying she should suck it up and continue to go, why when it is her dh’s family and she hasn’t made connections in the fifteen years that she has gone?  It’s not like she is discouraging her dh to go.  (Not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand the reasoning)

Because it's the polite thing to do.

[unsinkable]

Oh, I see you got rained out.

That's good! No pressure, now!

[Mbelle]

I"d go, and if it were me I might put some vodka in my lemonade and sip away.  

[Pen]

I have very little family, very geographically isolated. I think I feel rather jealous of you having such a thing available to you. If I had such a yearly reunion where I could get to it,  I would go. 

[katilac]

I would go for sure. It's not flying across the country, it's not spending a lot of money, it's one day. I have to agree with them, a few hours at a local park is not a lot to ask. 

I would also require the kids to go unless there was a special one-time event they would miss. 

[Mimm]

Thanks for the input. The general consensus is to go which is what I've done every year so far. My inclination is to do the unselfish thing. ? The year I was going to skip (and get a couple blissful, unheard of hours alone in the house to clean without interruption!) the thing gets cancelled! That's ok, I set everyone else to work helping me around the house. And making everyone eat the sandwiches I made for the park. ?

[SKL]

I would attend unless I had a very good reason why I couldn't.

I would also be glad it was only once a year.  ?

[milovany]

I'm in the suck it up crowd for the reasons mentioned above (and especially the one that said "because their your children's family").

I'd ask that you consider rereading your paragraph about why you haven't made connections with these people in 15 years.  You may have just left it out, but I didn't read much about you reaching out to them in attempt to find those possible connections.  You even admitted they could be there, but neither you or they have made the effort to find them. I did read that occasionally someone will come up and talk to you, but not that you go and talk with others purposefully.  I can see why there might not be any connections, but it's not too late to try and find them.  We have a block party once a year in our neighborhood.  Lots of people I don't know very well and have to make small talk with and yet we see each other at this event annually, so we chit chat and try to find a connection. Then the next year, we can connect again over that connection, be it ever so small.  They seem to grow a little bit over time.  In fact, we didn't have the block party this year for some reason and I find a little bit of regret over that.

Maybe after some effort, there still wouldn't be significant connections.  That's actually okay.  But they are still your tribe, or at least part of it. 

All that's said of course not actually knowing the fullness of the situation. 

Edited September 9, 2018 by milovany

[J-rap]

I would definitely go (next time!).  Maybe it's not important to you, but it's important to someone.  Your dh?  Your MIL?  Or even just as an example to your children?  Sometimes life requires us to do things that make us uncomfortable, but it can still be a nice thing to do.  Perhaps you can try and seek other quiet types and chat with them.  Visit with your MIL.   At the same time, I don't think you need to put too much pressure on yourself either for the time that you're there.  Smile, and have some questions on hand to ask.  Perhaps you'll find yourself on a topic that's so interesting that it feels easier.  

I'm a strange mix because even though I'm somewhat shy/introverted, I love going to social events.  I tend to stay away from the loud-mouths (unless I'm truly interested in what they have to say) and gravitate toward people like you.  ?  Maybe you can gravitate toward people like you too!

Or, you can be a helper.  This is what my sister-in-law does.  She doesn't always like to visit with people, but she's there to clear dishes, clean in the kitchen, help with small children, etc.  It gives her something to do that feels more comfortable.

[Mimm]

4 hours ago, milovany said:

I'm in the suck it up crowd for the reasons mentioned above (and especially the one that said "because their your children's family").

I'd ask that you consider rereading your paragraph about why you haven't made connections with these people in 15 years.  You may have just left it out, but I didn't read much about you reaching out to them in attempt to find those possible connections.  You even admitted they could be there, but neither you or they have made the effort to find them. I did read that occasionally someone will come up and talk to you, but not that you go and talk with others purposefully.  I can see why there might not be any connections, but it's not too late to try and find them.  We have a block party once a year in our neighborhood.  Lots of people I don't know very well and have to make small talk with and yet we see each other at this event annually, so we chit chat and try to find a connection. Then the next year, we can connect again over that connection, be it ever so small.  They seem to grow a little bit over time.  In fact, we didn't have the block party this year for some reason and I find a little bit of regret over that. 

Maybe after some effort, there still wouldn't be significant connections.  That's actually okay.  But they are still your tribe, or at least part of it. 

All that's said of course not actually knowing the fullness of the situation.  

 

On the topic of not connecting with this crowd... It is true that I don't really make an effort, and they don't really make an effort. The people who come over to our table to chat are really most interested in talking to my husband's grandmother. They are older and want to "place" us on the family tree, if that makes sense. Or just being nice and saying hi to everyone who showed up to their potluck. ? But I take my cue on this from my husband who doesn't seem interested, and my MIL who doesn't seem interested, as well as from the group at large who simply doesn't seem interested. My MIL has had a longer history with this family, and she knows who they are better than me, but doesn't see them at all between family reunions. When Grandma is gone, she won't be attending this anymore. None of us will go.

I guess I don't consider this a big deal, to not connect with this group of people. Again, my family is pretty disconnected from one another, and this may be affecting my feelings about all this.

However, I am very close with my siblings and parents and and my immediate inlaws (my husband's parents and brother and his wife) we talk to each other often and visit each other on non-holidays, and get together often. My kids know their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents way more than I did growing up. I am instilling some better family relationships than I was raised with, even if my husband's grandmother's siblings children and grandchildren aren't really in our lives. ?

[Lizzie in Ma]

Growing up we always had to attend what I fondly referred to as "suck up to Da day". 

If he were still alive, I'd probably still go and still resent going.

When our lives were upturned last year, I stopped going to anything I didn't want to go to, including family events and I have no regrets.

[gardenmom5]

On 9/8/2018 at 7:03 AM, Mimm said:

My husband's grandmother's family has a yearly family reunion. They rent a pavilion in a local park and the kids play and the adults chat and everyone brings food.

I dislike going to this event. I see none of these people between reunions, I don't know them. I'm introverted and don't feel comfortable in large crowds of people I don't know and won't see until next year. The only people I generally talk to are my inlaws and my husband and kids of course. Sometimes I'll be introduced to someone and I am totally willing to talk to them, but generally they're busy catching up with people they actually know and care about. I've been to around 15 of these over the years. 15 times, I attended an event I don't like with people I don't know out of obligation.

And my husband's family is willing to use the "dying soon" guilt trip whenever necessary. "Well we don't know how much longer Grandma will be with us..." Normally they're the normal and functional side of the family but this is one thing they will do. They're also kind and generous. And they feel like a few hours hanging out in a park (on a muggy mosquito infested day) isn't a huge favor to ask.

This year I'm sending two of my daughters and my husband. Middle is spending the day with her boyfriend. But Oldest and Youngest will go. My mother is coming to town and I'm spending the day cleaning the house so I'm skipping out.

But I'm curious as a general policy. What would you do?

Suck it up, be a grown up, and do something nice for an old woman who has been nothing but kind to you the entire time you've known her?

Or decide that you've done your duty attending this thing year after year after year and that enough is enough pretending to be part of an extended part of a family you just aren't really part of?

if my dh's family did it this way, I would have been ok with continuing it.

instead it was us hosting thanksgiving in our house every. single. year.  when it started - it was supposed to be a trade off of only every third year.  sure, everyone brought food, some would show up just before dinner - and leave right afterwards.   it was my house, dh cooked and I cleaned and I pretty much got ignored.   when it finally registered with dh what was really happening, (how big the group had become was a contributing factor.  the kids were having kids) - we finally ended it.   

mil has been talking about how she's going to die for at least 15 years. . . . she's 93. loopy, but healthy.  

sending your dh and your daughters is a compromise-   would it be possible for you to go every other year?