Confessions of a failed housewife

[Night Elf]

Now that I'm working, my household cleaning has completely derailed. I am working 5 days a week and thought I'd put all my housework into my 2 days off. Instead, all I want to do is lay around or go shopping. So now my house looks sad indeed. I didn't have trouble keeping up with housework when my children were young and we were homeschooling. I guess my problem is that I'm working a physical job and I'm now 50 years old. I can't "go" as much as I used to and I'm not even old yet! 

So now I'm off to sweep the stairs. I need to clean the bathrooms. Oh, and I'm having my monthly lunch day with my mom and sister today and that's a 3-hour ordeal. It's an hour away, we sit for an hour eating and talking, then an hour drive back. When I get home, DH and I are going grocery shopping for dinner fixins due to a change in his work schedule. So I'm going to have a busy day and I have so much housework to do! *sigh*

[PeachyDoodle]

Can you manage to fit 1-2 tasks into each of your workdays? I always prefer to have "chunks" of time off to relax and would rather fit my housework into my workdays and have my weekends free to play. It's also easier for me to keep momentum going when I'm already moving than to get motivated when I'm in rest mode.

Of course, that's easier now that I'm home schooling most days (and the kids are of an age to help) but it's what I did even when I worked full-time with littles.

And honestly, some things can just go, or at least get dropped to once or twice a month. Aim for passable, not perfect!

Edited September 3, 2018 by PeachyDoodle

[Janie Grace]

Can you afford to hire help now that you're working? We have someone come every other week. It is a stretch for us but it is SO WORTH IT.

[Pegasus]

My solution was to lower my standards. Prioritize the necessities - clean dishes and clean clothes.  Dust and cobwebs must wait until I have the time and energy to tackle. Floors only get so dirty before they really stop getting worse.  ?

 

 

[Rachel]

When I feel like my house is out of control and I’d rather be lazy than clean, I set a limit. I tell myself that I’ll work for 20 minutes and then I can take a break. I usually get quite a bit done and either don’t mind finishing the rest or I take the break and don’t feel guilty that I did nothing. Once my house is back in order it usually only takes 15-20 minutes a day to keep it that way. 

[Night Elf]

I don't want to hire anyone because all of my paychecks go to my dd's college expenses. It's relieving some of our financial pressure.

I've decided to enlist DH's help since he said he didn't mind. DH swept the stairs and downstairs hall and cleaned off the dining room table, no small feat!, and then washed it down. He says it looks unnatural to have nothing on it. I cleaned the hall bathroom and kitchen. 

We'll do laundry this evening when we have no other place to go outside the house.

I just need a better plan for my off days. On Sunday we're both home, but I work Saturday and he does yard work on that day if it's needed. Monday I'm off but he's not. So I guess I should make a plan for us to work together on Sunday, and stuff I do on my own on Monday, like cleaning the bathrooms.

[Night Elf]

1 minute ago, Rachel said:

When I feel like my house is out of control and I’d rather be lazy than clean, I set a limit. I tell myself that I’ll work for 20 minutes and then I can take a break. I usually get quite a bit done and either don’t mind finishing the rest or I take the break and don’t feel guilty that I did nothing. Once my house is back in order it usually only takes 15-20 minutes a day to keep it that way. 

Yes, when I was doing flylady, my daily cleaning took less than 30 minutes. My deep zone cleaning never took much longer than that because I spread it over 3-4 days if that was even necessary.

[Annie G]

When I worked part time outside the house I made it a habit to spend 30 minutes doing chores BEFORE I went to work.  It was so nice to know that when I got off work that I could relax without guilt.  And honestly, on off days I wanted to play but I did the same thing- did chores first thing so I could relax.  Dh handled all the laundry while I worked and that helped a LOT. since your dh is willing to help, having him do the chores that really drag you down might make a big difference. And good for you guys for doing chores together!  Dh doesn’t sit around while I do chores- he pitches in, and that means a lot to this girl. 

[maize]

If you don't enjoy housework and your income from working will support it hire a cleaning service!

There is no obligation for a woman to clean her own house any more than there is for her to sew her own clothes or change her own oil if finances support other options. Do it if you want to. Hire it out if you don't.

[Wheres Toto]

23 minutes ago, Pegasus said:

My solution was to lower my standards. Prioritize the necessities - clean dishes and clean clothes.  Dust and cobwebs must wait until I have the time and energy to tackle. Floors only get so dirty before they really stop getting worse.  ?

 

 

This is what I do.   

Dishes - I do the dishes first thing in the morning, often while my tea water is heating up.  The kids have all day to put them away so it's empty for me to do them again.  Yes, our dinner dishes sit there overnight.  I haven't ever been able to get the motivation after dinner to do dishes.  I'm wiped out by that point.  

Laundry - I'll throw a load in the morning or the night before, flip it to the dryer before or after work, empty the dryer before bed (I can usually come up with the energy to throw nice warm clothes into a basket).  

I do end up catching up on the weekends.  Doing a few loads of laundry when I'm there to restart the dryer right away if necessary, do some folding, clean off surfaces and vacuum.  Dh takes the kids to visit his parents about once a month and that's my favorite time to clean.  I have to stay home with the dog.  Having no people here to work around makes everything go so much faster and easier.  I put on loud music and just bang it out.  If he doesn't make it to visit them one month, those projects often wait until he does.

I've basically had this same routine (can you even call it a routine?) since the kids were born.  Through homeschooling, working full time, working part time, whatever.

I'm spending this weekend deep cleaning the kids rooms and working on the house.  We're in an unusual situation since we moved a lot of stuff to my classroom space so I have big gaps to fill.  Plus all the work getting set up means my house has been more neglected than usual.  I'm just doing what I can, when I can and not worrying about it.  Dh is going to his parents next weekend and I'll use that time to finish cleaning and rearranging, finalize my class plans and relax.

[happypamama]

I just have to say that I understand, and it's hard.  Between homeschooling five children and being gone a lot for appointments and classes and everything -- I only have so much time and energy.  I prioritize the dishes and laundry also, and each of the children tidies (and sweeps or vacuums) one room a day most days, which helps with the small-kid clutter.  Anything more, we fit in when we can.

[marbel]

Um, you are not a failed housewife.  You aren't a housewife anymore. Of course you are not going to maintain the same standards. 

I went back to work 2 months ago after being home for 20 years.  Sure, things have changed around here. Some things aren't getting done. Some things are getting done by people other than me. I'm not super happy about it, but it's reality.  

For me, getting a cleaning service is not financially practical, but maybe it is for you.  [ETA: just reread your comment about all your funds going to college costs. So, revisit your standards and get your husband (and son?) more involved.  Sounds easy; I know it's not necessarily so.]

Edited September 3, 2018 by marbel

[Ellie]

I feel your pain. :-(

I worked for about three years. At that time, there were three adults in the house: me, Mr. Ellie, and 18yo DancerDaughter. I worked out our schedule thusly:

Three zones in our house: living room/down the hall, kitchen/dining room, bathroom. We each took a zone for a week, and we rotated to the next zone on Monday. Whoever had the kitchen/dining room decided what dinner would be: take-out, leftovers, out to dinner, some home-cooked yumminess, whatever. DancerDaughter did her own laundry, I did mine and Mr. Ellie's. It worked pretty well for us (but I sure was glad when I quit that job!).

[Night Elf]

28 minutes ago, marbel said:

Um, you are not a failed housewife.  You aren't a housewife anymore. Of course you are not going to maintain the same standards. 

Gosh, you're right! I didn't even think about that. I tried working in 2010 and lasted 6 months. It was too hard. So I went from being a daycare employee to a housewife and that's how I've identified myself since then. I guess I feel like I should still do more than DH because I'm currently working 20 - 25 hours a week and he's full-time.

I start dinner every night and he comes home and helps finish then we do the dishes together. This week I'm working until 6:00 pm every night so he'll be cooking dinner on his own because I won't be home until 6:30 pm. We tried to make a menu of easy dinners to prepare. Nothing with a lot of prep and cooking.

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, Night Elf said:

Gosh, you're right! I didn't even think about that. I tried working in 2010 and lasted 6 months. It was too hard. So I went from being a daycare employee to a housewife and that's how I've identified myself since then. I guess I feel like I should still do more than DH because I'm currently working 20 - 25 hours a week and he's full-time.

I start dinner every night and he comes home and helps finish then we do the dishes together. This week I'm working until 6:00 pm every night so he'll be cooking dinner on his own because I won't be home until 6:30 pm. We tried to make a menu of easy dinners to prepare. Nothing with a lot of prep and cooking.

 

I get that your husband works more so would have less of the house burden.  I am totally into division of labor and when I was a housewife I did everything inside and only asked him to do something if I was physically incapable of it. 

But it's different now, right?  You are working, he is working, you need to come up with a new division of labor. I would try to keep Sunday as a fun and/or rest day for both of you, as it's the only day you are both off work. But surely there are some things he could do on Saturday on low yard work days?  Laundry?  Even doing a load or two would be helpful, right?  Shoot, I don't even mind it when someone does multiple loads of towels and sheets and leaves it for me to sort and fold. It helps, and I can fold while watching tv or listening to an audiobook. 

I also am working on easy dinners for my husband and son to cook. Because of my work hours, a couple days a week I can do some prep. And on weekends/my day off I do some big slab of meat thing so they have leftovers. They are working it out, though they still tend to rely on frozen things too much for my  liking. But I'm not there, so I can't really do anything about it.  :-)

[fairfarmhand]

I’ve heard you mention in the past that you do errands and shopping on your days off? Yeah, that counts! 

[Jenny in Florida]

If it makes you feel any better, I've never been a good "housewife," even when I wasn't working for pay at all. Keeping my house clean always sinks to the bottom of my priorities list, somehow. So if you kept up with housework while homeschooling, you have years of being better at the whole housewife thing than I was.

The funny thing, though, is that even though I felt like I never did enough during those years, it has still been an adjustment having me working. 

We've pretty much abandoned the entire concept of me cooking dinner on anything like a regular basis. Part of that has to do with my work hours. When I first went back to work, I was juggling multiple part-time gigs. My schedule was almost never the same from week to week, and I worked a lot of evenings and weekends. After a few transitions, I now work full time. My schedule is consistent, but I work until at least six all five days, after which I drive across town to get home. My husband prefers to eat on the early side of a traditional dinner time, and I don't always want to be bothered to even eat dinner, let alone cook it, by the time I make it home. So he just fends for himself most of the time (picking up a sandwich at the grocery store deli, microwaving something frozen, making up a plate of cheese and crackers and fruit, etc.), and I snack on something simple if I feel like it when I get home. My cooking these days is more or less confined to doing one big batch of something on most weekends that serves as dinner for that night and provides a few servings we pack for lunches during the week.

In our case, during most weeks, I am away from home more hours than my husband is for work. His job is also full time, but his hours are more flexible and his commute tends to be a bit shorter (in part because he has the flexibility of adjusting his starting and ending times to avoid the worst of the traffic). On a typical day, he leaves at about 7:30, makes it to the office by 8:00, leaves shortly after 4:00 and is home by 4:30. I leave home at 8:00 to arrive by 9:00, stay at work for 9 (or, two days a week, 10) hours to compensate for an unpaid lunch hour, leave at 6:00 (or 7:00) and make it home sometime between 6:45 and 8:00, depending on traffic. He also has the option to work at home occasionally and takes at least one or two Fridays a month as vacation days, because he so often bumps up against his use-it-or-lose-it limit for vacation time.

Our regular routine now includes my husband intentionally taking over folding and putting away laundry. And we both pitch in as necessary with things like loading/unloading the dishwasher.

But, honestly, now that I'm not here to regularly take care of other chores, it has become clear just how much I was actually doing.

And I struggle all the time with feeling like I'm not doing enough.

For me, a lot of this boils down to my own baggage regarding the relative sizes of our paychecks. Even though I work full time now, after all those years of being home with kiddos, I lost a lot of ground in terms of salary. When I left my last full-time job to stay home with our daughter, we made almost equal amounts of money. Now, though, I make less than half of what my husband does. And the stubborn voice in my head keeps arguing that I am "not doing my share."

So, yes, it can absolutely be a tricky transition to navigate when the person who has had primary responsibility for the house stuff shifts focus to working for pay.

Edited September 4, 2018 by Jenny in Florida

[Junie]

What works for me is to set a timer for 15 minutes.  The kids and I all clean the house and then we get a Hershey's miniature (or similar) at the end.  If the house is particularly dirty/messy, I give the kids the option to go double -- 15 more minutes of cleaning with two more pieces of chocolate at the end.

The little bits of time really add up, especially if you can enlist help.

[Night Elf]

I don't have to be at work until 12:00 noon today so I'm going to do some cleaning this morning. Normally I start work at 10:00 am. My focus today is my bedroom and bathroom.

[fairfarmhand]

If I may offer some advice. 

Over the years, when I had more time at home and my kids we’re smaller, I got into messy habits. Setting things down and putting them away later durIng cleaning times. My dh was the same. He could set the mail on the table or leave tools out because I’d come along later and straighten things up. Now that life is busier, I don’t have the time or energy to straighten up every room in the house each day. I do well to keep up with dishes and laundry. So I’ve had to retrain myself to put things away now. Touch things once. My dh—well, still a work in progress—but cleaning goes much quicker if we’ve not allowed daily clutter to build up. 

[Annie G]

12 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

If I may offer some advice. 

Over the years, when I had more time at home and my kids we’re smaller, I got into messy habits. Setting things down and putting them away later durIng cleaning times. My dh was the same. He could set the mail on the table or leave tools out because I’d come along later and straighten things up. Now that life is busier, I don’t have the time or energy to straighten up every room in the house each day. I do well to keep up with dishes and laundry. So I’ve had to retrain myself to put things away now. Touch things once. My dh—well, still a work in progress—but cleaning goes much quicker if we’ve not allowed daily clutter to build up. 

It has taken me a couple of years to get dh on board with touching things just once. It’s funny- I really only adapted to it now that the kids are grown and we DO have more time.  My standards are higher now that raising kids isn’t taking up my day. It was not easy for me to make this change...it took a while, 

Because of the touch it once method, my bedroom and living room never take more than a couple of minutes to pick up, and then a few more to dust and sweep/swiff the floors. The bathroom is a couple of minutes every other day and 20 minutes to scrub the shower every ten days or so. 

However I did spend a bajillion minutes to retrain dh. His desk...oh my...the mail, the receipts, the notes...    He’d use a tool, a lotion, one lightbulb out of a pack, a dust rag, a paintbrush, a broom....and never put any of it back where it belonged. It was very much like teaching a little kid, and he resisted at first but I recently heard him bragging about me to his dad, saying that I touch things just once and how that is so efficient and has made his life easier. (His dad is struggling with clutter in his house and can;t find things he needs) So I think we’ve turned a corner and he’s embraced it!

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

If I may offer some advice. 

Over the years, when I had more time at home and my kids we’re smaller, I got into messy habits. Setting things down and putting them away later durIng cleaning times. My dh was the same. He could set the mail on the table or leave tools out because I’d come along later and straighten things up. Now that life is busier, I don’t have the time or energy to straighten up every room in the house each day. I do well to keep up with dishes and laundry. So I’ve had to retrain myself to put things away now. Touch things once. My dh—well, still a work in progress—but cleaning goes much quicker if we’ve not allowed daily clutter to build up. 

This. If every thing has a home and gets put away, horizontal surfaces and floors remain free of clutter, and actual cleaning takes a few minutes because it doesn't have to be preceded by an hour of putting stuff where it belongs.

[gardenmom5]

I don't really have anything to add - but I keep thinking the title sounds like the name of a book.

have you considered writing one?

[Chris in VA]

I just want to say that it sounds like you and your husband are really good at teamwork. 

That's truly lovely. ?

[Guest]

My little semantical two cents is that I never call myself a “housewife,” no matter my work-for-pay status. I’m not married to a house. I do believe word choice matters and affects how we view everything. 

[marbel]

11 minutes ago, Quill said:

My little semantical two cents is that I never call myself a “housewife,” no matter my work-for-pay status. I’m not married to a house. I do believe word choice matters and affects how we view everything. 

I always preferred the term "homemaker."  :-) 

[regentrude]

29 minutes ago, Quill said:

My little semantical two cents is that I never call myself a “housewife,” no matter my work-for-pay status. I’m not married to a house. I do believe word choice matters and affects how we view everything. 

The etymology of the word does not imply being married to the house, but merely being a woman who manages her household. 

[maize]

24 minutes ago, regentrude said:

The etymology of the word does not imply being married to the house, but merely being a woman who manages her household. 

Exactly; wife (wif) originally meant woman. So we have fishwife, midwife, etc. and marriage has nothing to do with it. Wif was later used in the compound word wifman (woman+person) such we now know as woman.

The corresponding male term was wer, which as far as I know survives only in werewolf (man-wolf) and the archaic wergeld; It is cognate to the Latin vir.

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, regentrude said:

The etymology of the word does not imply being married to the house, but merely being a woman who manages her household. 

But the connotation is that the house is the primary concern. The OP is viewing herself as a failure in maintaining the house. I think there are better ways of her thinking of herself, like, “I’m working outside the home now and it is a struggle to manage the house.” 

[nixpix5]

When I am working full time DH and I split all of the housework and cooking. He always does most of the grocery shopping because I do not enjoy that task. I would put more burden on other family members. It doesnt need to be solely your concern.

[Night Elf]

6 hours ago, Quill said:

My little semantical two cents is that I never call myself a “housewife,” no matter my work-for-pay status. I’m not married to a house. I do believe word choice matters and affects how we view everything. 

I was a SAHM when my kids were young and once they grew up, I preferred the term housewife. On applications I usually write homemaker but if someone asks me what I do I say housewife.

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, Night Elf said:

I was a SAHM when my kids were young and once they grew up, I preferred the term housewife. On applications I usually write homemaker but if someone asks me what I do I say housewife.

Why do you like that term? I’m curious.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

Set a timer for 30 mins and go around and do as much as you can quickly.  Make sure the dishes are part of that 30 mins because a clean kitchen sink makes everything else seem better.

[Night Elf]

11 hours ago, Quill said:

Why do you like that term? I’m curious.

My mom always used that term. Also, I watched a lot of tv shows as a kid of moms who stay home like Leave it to Beaver and I Love Lucy, and it just seemed normal. I don't get any negative connotations of it. I don't feel a need to modernize the term, like some people calling themselves domestic engineer. I just like plain ole housewife. 

[Night Elf]

8 hours ago, 1GirlTwinBoys said:

Set a timer for 30 mins and go around and do as much as you can quickly.  Make sure the dishes are part of that 30 mins because a clean kitchen sink makes everything else seem better.

Yes, I knew the timer trick but have never had to use it. I might have to try it.

[freesia]

Is your son working yet?  He should also be a part of the new plan to get the housework done.  

[Night Elf]

40 minutes ago, freesia said:

Is your son working yet?  He should also be a part of the new plan to get the housework done.  

Not a regular job. He's been volunteering at my work in the hopes they'll hire him on but that's not looking like a possibility. He handles cleaning his own room, folds and puts away his laundry, and usually helps unload the dishwasher. He cooks his own meals when he eats in which is 1-2 times a week, and cleans up after himself. I do wish he'd find a job though.

[freesia]

1 minute ago, Night Elf said:

Not a regular job. He's been volunteering at my work in the hopes they'll hire him on but that's not looking like a possibility. He handles cleaning his own room, folds and puts away his laundry, and usually helps unload the dishwasher. He cooks his own meals when he eats in which is 1-2 times a week, and cleans up after himself. I do wish he'd find a job though.

That's great that he's dojng his own self care chores. Would you consider having him take over more of the general chores such as vacuuming and sweeping common areas that he uses and wiping counters with cleaner and at least one bathroom?  He has the time and it might help him towards independence as that's what adults do. 

[catz]

I’d be putting the 2 males in your house to work on more general chores.  Why should you do the bulk if you are working 5 days a week?  Especially if your adult son isn’t working at all.

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, Night Elf said:

Not a regular job. He's been volunteering at my work in the hopes they'll hire him on but that's not looking like a possibility. He handles cleaning his own room, folds and puts away his laundry, and usually helps unload the dishwasher. He cooks his own meals when he eats in which is 1-2 times a week, and cleans up after himself. I do wish he'd find a job though.

If he is not working full time, he should be doing the bulk of the housework for the family, and not just take care of his own stuff.