Adult Child Advice

[goldberry]

How do you balance the "letting them handle their own life" with "supporting them when ignoring your advice didn't work and things go to h*ll"?

 

*sigh*  DD has giant tonsils that really need to be removed, but we didn't have good insurance coverage.  When she gets sick, she HAS to do certain things or the tonsils swell up and cause her bad problems.  DD started getting sick last Thursday.

 

Me:  Are you doing xyz?

Her: Not really, because abc....

Me:  You really need to do xyz.

Her:  Yeah.

 

Me a couple of days later:  Are you doing xyz?

Her:  Will you quit bugging me!  This is my life, you know, you can't just keep trying to direct every little thing I do!

(insert heated conversation here).

 

Her today: I'm going to have to go to the student health center.  It's worse.  My tonsils are so bad I'm gagging and can't hardly swallow.

Me: okay

Her: ....  (I can tell she is annoyed with me for being "unsympathetic".  In my mind, I deserve props for not saying I told you so.)

 

I wish this was an isolated example.  This is repeated about finances, school, etc.  DH just blows it off, says that's how he was, and how lots of adult kids are.  It makes me feel like this:   :cursing:  :smash:  :willy_nilly:  :banghead:

 

How do I become like DH?  Is that even possible?  

 

Adding, is there something I can say when these things occur that is relatively neutral but sympathetic somehow?

Edited November 13, 2017 by goldberry

[maize]

"That sounds rough"

[Carol in Cal.]

I would recommend starting with not offering advice in the first place unless it is specifically requested.

[goldberry]

I would recommend starting with not offering advice in the first place unless it is specifically requested.

 

:willy_nilly:   Aaaagh!  How could I stand it!!!!????

[goldberry]

I would recommend starting with not offering advice in the first place unless it is specifically requested.

 

Also, she still wants support/sympathy when things go bad.  So I'm on the hook for that but supposed to just keep my mouth shut otherwise?  That seems really unfair!

[Tree Frog]

As another parent with a dd with huge tonsils, I feel for you and your dd! We were told not to have them removed because she "would grow into them". Boy, was that a mistake! They only grew with her!

 

We are having similar issues with dd21. Not health, thankfully, but other things. She wants our advice, then doesn't follow it. Drives dh crazy!! I usually blow it off, thinking that she's gathering advice from others and will do what she feels best. My other dd18, on the other hand, does have some health issues, but won't address them. When things happen that could have been avoided, I tell her "I'm sorry to hear that." Later, when there's less emotion, I will address it with her again. But ultimately, it's her decision and her consequences if something happens. 

 

I have to remember we still ask for our parents' advice, but don't always follow it either. I think that puts it in a different perspective for me.

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

 

At this point your best possible option is to simply stop offering any advice at all unless she asks.  And because she is at that stage where she is feeling micromanaged she may not ask again for months or even years.  That is hard.  You KNOW that she needs to do certain things.  However, you mentioning, however gently, that she needs to do these things is basically making her not do these things at all.  It actually isn't helping her.

 

And you are hearing two different things.  

 

You say: "Are you doing xyz?"

She hears "Why haven't you done xyz?!  Didn't you even think about it?!"

She says:  "Not really, because a,b,c...

You hear: "I'm still a child that needs some help doing what I should be doing so I need some advice and guidance or I won't do what I am supposed to be doing."

You then say: "You need to be doing xyz."

She hears: "Once again you failed.  You are so immature.  You don't seem capable of doing anything without me reminding you.  Why can't you do what is expected of you? "

 

That is not what you intend, but that is probably what she hears.  And then she shuts down.  She avoids doing what is expected of her.  It is a dynamic where no one really wins.

 

I know it is very hard, especially since she has a lot of things she has to deal with and has struggled to do so.  I remember your other posts.  This is a hard position to be in.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

FWIW, my mom and I are very close.  I KNOW she only has my best interests at heart.  We have always been close.  I had health issues from the time I was very young.  She was my caretaker.  It was hard on both of us when I grew up and needed the space to learn how to care for myself.  Every single time she made ANY mention/inquiry/suggestion it was as if she was saying I was still a child and an incapable one at that.  She didn't really mean it that way.  She was just concerned and was having a hard time adjusting to not being able to immediately keep me safe and healthy.  I stil, honestly, sometimes react negatively when she says something but now I am better able to handle my own responses.  It is my life.  If I need her I know she will be there for me, just as I will always be there for her.  But we are separate people, and we need to live our own lives.  Our relationship was a bit strained in those early adult years.  It improved tremendously once she started letting me handle my own life with no unsolicited suggestions or advice.  Did I make mistakes?  Yep.  But I survived.

 

Although it won't be easy, to move into a healthier dynamic (and to give her a chance to eventually actually remember and follow the advice you would have given her) you are going to have to find a way to let go.  Stop offering suggestions or advice of any kind unless she is actively seeking it. 

 

If this is really affecting you, do you think counseling might help?

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

ETA:  And I agree with others, once my parents had laid a foundation of skills/knowledge/understanding when I was younger, I learned a lot more making my own mistakes as a young adult than listening once again to unsolicited advice/suggestions.  I had those years of advice to fall back on but sometimes I had to see for myself.  I learned a lot more and was a lot more willing to accept that they were right to begin with by doing my own thing and making my own evaluations.  It is just the way it is.  

Edited November 13, 2017 by OneStepAtATime

[Bambam]

This happens with my oldest. I rarely offer advice or reminders now. Because if I do, it is NOT well received. So, I'm biting my tongue. I made mistakes too. I can't protect her from everything. But, this is what allows me to keep on biting my tongue and not offering unsolicited advice ... sometimes she learns from these mistakes!  Biggie! Because that learning will last long beyond anything I ever say (at least I think so, right? Does that make sense?)

 

But for really things with really undesirable consequences, I will still say something unsolicited. Because you know some stuff is small and some is big. And for some thing I *have* to say something, so if I don't say anything most times, maybe you will listen for the big things? 

 

My youngest dd sees oldest biting the hand that would help her and said she is learning all sorts of things not to do when she leaves home. 

[Liz CA]

Once I offered my 2 cents, I stepped back. It is hard to watch a train wreck but this is how most people learn.

If she then complains about pain, you can just say: "I am sorry you are going through this," and leave it at that. She will figure out what to do next if she is in considerable discomfort. Letting them steer their own ship means that sometimes they bump into something...:)

[stephanier.1765]

It's unfortunate but letting them fail is what you have to do. At that age, they know it all and there is only one way they are going to find out they don't. The only thing you can do is be there to pick them up *if* they want your help. I know it's hard. So, so hard. We love them so much but we have to love them enough to let them screw up. 

 

Edit: Had to fix typos so hopefully it will now make sense.

Edited November 13, 2017 by slr1765

[goldberry]

 

And you are hearing two different things.  

 

You say: "Are you doing xyz?"

She hears "Why haven't you done xyz?!  Didn't you even think about it?!"

She says:  "Not really, because a,b,c...

You hear: "I'm still a child that needs some help doing what I should be doing so I need some advice and guidance or I won't do what I am supposed to be doing."

You then say: "You need to be doing xyz."

She hears: "Once again you failed.  You are so immature.  You don't seem capable of doing anything without me reminding you.  Why can't you do what is expected of you? "

 

That is not what you intend, but that is probably what she hears.  And then she shuts down.  She avoids doing what is expected of her.  It is a dynamic where no one really wins.  

 

Wow.  You are totally correct.  Thank you.

[Carol in Cal.]

:willy_nilly:   Aaaagh!  How could I stand it!!!!????

Yeah, I didn't say it was easy...(((Goldberry)))

[goldberry]

As another parent with a dd with huge tonsils, I feel for you and your dd! We were told not to have them removed because she "would grow into them". Boy, was that a mistake! They only grew with her!

 

Yeah, she has insurance through her college now, and I think we are going to try to schedule it this summer.  We should have done it earlier.  The surgery sounds so awful though.

 

This is the second time in the last year they have almost blocked her breathing and she has had to have a steroid shot to get them down.

 

Adding, also the phenomenon of doctors calling to other staff members to "come and see these tonsils!"  They did tell us to wait and see when she was younger.

 

Edited November 13, 2017 by goldberry

[Tree Frog]

Yeah, she has insurance through her college now, and I think we are going to try to schedule it this summer.  We should have done it earlier.  The surgery sounds so awful though.

 

I said something to dd about having the surgery this summer. She looked at me incredulously and said, "Mom, do you know how painful it is as an adult?!" She has problems with things getting stuck in them. She said usually it's only annoying, but sometimes it's painful. I don't think the pain will decrease if she waits to have the surgery, but apparently the annoyance/pain issues she currently has aren't significant enough for her to consider it. It would be a lot easier to do it now while she has the time, (and the insurance) than later, but that's one of those things I shouldn't give advice on. :)

 

Let me know how the surgery goes for your dd.

[Tree Frog]

Yeah, she has insurance through her college now, and I think we are going to try to schedule it this summer.  We should have done it earlier.  The surgery sounds so awful though.

 

This is the second time in the last year they have almost blocked her breathing and she has had to have a steroid shot to get them down.

 

Adding, also the phenomenon of doctors calling to other staff members to "come and see these tonsils!"  They did tell us to wait and see when she was younger.

 

Quoting again for your edits, thankfully my dd hasn't had breathing problems (yet?). She has also had doctors call other staff members to see her huge tonsils.

 

I feel so bad we didn't have the surgery when she was a child. I'm glad we weren't the only parents doctors told to wait. I think not breathing would be a no brainer for surgery.

[fairfarmhand]

Also, she still wants support/sympathy when things go bad.  So I'm on the hook for that but supposed to just keep my mouth shut otherwise?  That seems really unfair!

 

 

My standard response would be/is when the issue begins to crop up...

 

"Well, you know what to do to avoid x,y, and z. " and that's the extent of my advice.

 

And when it's not followed I say things like ," That stinks."

[goldberry]

We discussed it last summer when the doctor finally recommended it.  We didn't have insurance coverage, but I was going to try to hunt down a deal and make payments.  She decided she was too busy anyway (before leaving for school) and yes, it sounded awful and scary.  But, if she won't keep up with the preventative stuff (immediate vaporizer and salt water gargles whenever a cold comes on) then this will keep happening.  She's ready to do it now.

[Χά�ων]

Move to another continent and no longer communicate except via text?

 

Not offering advice is probably the best, but aside from not speaking to them I have no clue how to actually manage this with important issues.

[Tree Frog]

I will occasionally offer unsolicited advice, but far less than I used to. But sometimes I will also say something along these lines: you need to get your passport updated. There isn’t time to do so when you suddenly need it. And if you do not get your passport updated and you can’t go on a great trip, I am not going to feel sorry for you. In fact, I am going to say, “I told you so.†Do you agree that you will deserve this humiliation?â€

 

I kep it light and but he knows I mean it. :0)

 

My dd lost her passport. For dh and I, that's a big deal. Apparently it's not for her. She just figures it "has to be somewhere in one of my boxes." She had it this past spring, but this summer, it went missing. (DD has to find it or pay for a replacement soon though because we're travelling to Europe next summer.) Thus far, she's been able to do what needs doing when she needs to do it, but sometimes only by the skin of her teeth. I don't think I was ever that way! :P

[goldberry]

I think after she's well I will have a chat with her, and let her know I will be working on not jumping in with advice, and that she can be more plain asking for advice when she wants it.  I will let her know that even if she asks my advice, I will not expect her to always follow it. Also that when I can't contain offering advice, it really is more an expression of my concern for her and not a lack of belief in her.  In return, she can understand that I get frustrated on occasion!

 

 

[unsinkable]

Also, she still wants support/sympathy when things go bad. So I'm on the hook for that but supposed to just keep my mouth shut otherwise? That seems really unfair!

Has your advice ever been wrong?

 

What would happen if you gave advice, and she followed it, and the outcome was bad?

 

Would she deserve your support and sympathy then?

[HomeAgain]

The best phrase ever: "Oh.  What are you planning on doing about it?"

 

I have an adult child.  I have to keep reminding myself that it's not my monkeys anymore.  But I'm starting to appreciate the moments more when he shares a story about a problem he's had recently and how he got through it.  There is hope for the future!

[goldberry]

Has your advice ever been wrong?

 

What would happen if you gave advice, and she followed it, and the outcome was bad?

 

Would she deserve your support and sympathy then?

 

This is not about her not deserving my sympathy because she didn't take my advice.

 

When you're raising kids, one of your primary jobs is teaching them self-accountability/responsibility.  We spend so much time helping them draw connections between the things they did, the things they said, and the outcome of those choices. For me anyway, that was one of the most important lessons I could teach her, that things don't just happen out of nowhere, that you have to take ownership of things. The sympathy and comfort for the bad outcome is still there along with all that of course.

 

Then, bam!  Now we see all this just as clearly as we saw it when they were little, but we're not supposed to mention it anymore.  You offer the comfort and the support, but it's hard to act as if you *didn't* see the whole thing coming 5 miles away waiving big red flags.  Of course, it's the right thing to do.  Of course it makes logical, developmental sense.  It's just really hard.  You say "wow that's really rough" and bite your tongue on the rest.  And then deal with the occasional accusation of being unsympathetic on top of it.

 

Parenting isn't for sissies!

[unsinkable]

Also, she still wants support/sympathy when things go bad. So I'm on the hook for that but supposed to just keep my mouth shut otherwise? That seems really unfair!

The above quote sure seems to be about you resenting that she wants support and sympathy when things go bad, as if there is some kind of quid pro quo thing happening.

 

I don't even know how to address all the "you" statements below. Are you speaking for yourself? Then why not say use "I"?

 

This is not about her not deserving my sympathy because she didn't take my advice.

 

When you're raising kids, one of your primary jobs is teaching them self-accountability/responsibility. We spend so much time helping them draw connections between the things they did, the things they said, and the outcome of those choices. For me anyway, that was one of the most important lessons I could teach her, that things don't just happen out of nowhere, that you have to take ownership of things. The sympathy and comfort for the bad outcome is still there along with all that of course.

 

Then, bam! Now we see all this just as clearly as we saw it when they were little, but we're not supposed to mention it anymore. You offer the comfort and the support, but it's hard to act as if you *didn't* see the whole thing coming 5 miles away waiving big red flags. Of course, it's the right thing to do. Of course it makes logical, developmental sense. It's just really hard. You say "wow that's really rough" and bite your tongue on the rest. And then deal with the occasional accusation of being unsympathetic on top of it.

 

Parenting isn't for sissies!

[OneStepAtATime]

This is not about her not deserving my sympathy because she didn't take my advice.

 

When you're raising kids, one of your primary jobs is teaching them self-accountability/responsibility.  We spend so much time helping them draw connections between the things they did, the things they said, and the outcome of those choices. For me anyway, that was one of the most important lessons I could teach her, that things don't just happen out of nowhere, that you have to take ownership of things. The sympathy and comfort for the bad outcome is still there along with all that of course.

 

Then, bam!  Now we see all this just as clearly as we saw it when they were little, but we're not supposed to mention it anymore.  You offer the comfort and the support, but it's hard to act as if you *didn't* see the whole thing coming 5 miles away waiving big red flags.  Of course, it's the right thing to do.  Of course it makes logical, developmental sense.  It's just really hard.  You say "wow that's really rough" and bite your tongue on the rest.  And then deal with the occasional accusation of being unsympathetic on top of it.

 

Parenting isn't for sissies!

LOL.  Not at all!  Goodness, I've worked harder at being a decent parent (not trying for perfection, just decent :) ) then at any job I ever had.  And WOW has that been an endeavor.  :laugh:

 

And yeah, it really is hard to shift into a different mindset.  Super hard.  Our job description changes so dramatically, it can leave a parent reeling and confused and hurt and frustrated and a whole host of other emotions. 

 

The thing is, to truly learn and internalize something, we have to own it for ourselves.  Like in a classroom, a teacher can drone on and on and the student might be able to recite back what they said, but if they haven't made it their own thing, really OWNED that material for themselves, it is just words in the wind.  I learned a lot as a kid (home life and academic life) that was drilled into me but until I really dealt with it myself, really used that information or tested that information for myself, in my own way, it didn't internalize.  I was just regurgitating, not learning in the truest sense.  To really LEARN what they were teaching I had to forge my own path, and make my own mistakes in the process.  The mistakes honestly helped me to really process that information on a much more productive level.  Sometimes I was absolutely dead wrong.  Sometimes Mom and Dad and my teachers were the ones that knew what they were talking about.  It still didn't change the fact that I wasn't ready to see that until I had lived it.  KWIM?  Also, though, sometimes they were wrong.   Sometimes I found a better way.  I needed the freedom to figure it out, find the path that worked for me, however painful that path might be.

 

And honestly, sometimes I would need sympathy without judgement to get through those painful times.  I didn't need advice.  I just needed a sympathetic ear from someone I knew loved me unconditionally.  

 

Have you ever sat down to talk with a friend or your DH, not really needing advice just needing to process through something in your own head, and they showered you with unwanted suggestions then got irritated when you didn't immediately agree and implement those suggestions?  Did you feel a bit frustrated, like there was a disconnect? 

 

I know I have.  Especially with DH.  He doesn't see a purpose in discussion unless it is because I want him to solve the problem.  It makes conversations challenging when I just want a friendly sounding board while I work out my own issues.   I think teens and young adults go through that a lot.  They may not want advice, but they need to process, need to discuss the situation out loud with someone who is sympathetic.  They try to share a concern and immediately get advice.  Then they reject the advice and the person giving the advice and the person receiving the advice are both frustrated.  It makes it hard on both parties to work through what each side needs/expects.  

[goldberry]

The above quote sure seems to be about you resenting that she wants support and sympathy when things go bad, as if there is some kind of quid pro quo thing happening.

 

I don't even know how to address all the "you" statements below. Are you speaking for yourself? Then why not say use "I"?

 

 

Just speaking in a general sense. No hidden meanings there.  

 

Also, in case that wasn't clear, the sympathy comment was said in a joking manner.  However, I don't think it's exactly unusual to feel a bit of "I told you so" feeling when you warn someone about a course of action, they choose to ignore you, then the warning is proved true.  Of  course it's not a particularly productive feeling, because it doesn't help anything after the fact.  But it's a normal feeling that perhaps gets an sigh from me on occasion, but not a withholding of sympathy.   

[goldberry]

And honestly, sometimes I would need sympathy without judgement to get through those painful times.  I didn't need advice.  I just needed a sympathetic ear from someone I knew loved me unconditionally.  

 

I know this.  I am able to be that most of the time.  

 

Lately there has been more than one occasion where she made it plain she doesn't want my advice, okay, fair enough.  Then things go bad, and she asks, "What do I do? How do I fix this?" Sometimes I have ideas to offer, but sometimes I have had to tell her, I don't have any ideas how to fix this now that you're at this point.  I say this in a neutral way, not a snarky way, but it's just a truth. I think she perceives this that I'm being mean to her somehow.  I'm going to start using the "I'm sure you can figure something out" that has been recommended on this board before.

[nixpix5]

yes, this is common

 

 

I probably would have said something like “I am not surprised, what time is your appointment?â€

I have said this many times.

 

Also agree with not giving advice unless they ask. You could also say "it sounds like a tonsil issue, would you like me to share what I know about it or do you feel comfortable looking into it yourself" for example. I have used this basic structure for so many things in my boys adulthood and teen years. I also make sure I ask for their expertise when I see an opportunity so it goes both ways.

[hornblower]

meh, I don't have a problem being a controlling busybody mom.  I think it's partly a culture thing, this independence thing; American culture pushes it hard.  

I'm in my adult kids' business all the time :P 

 

 Most things I'd try to weigh how important it is & yeah, some things you just bite your tongue and let them flail around but mostly I have no problem yakking away. Mind you, my kids have never really told me to butt out either....Otoh, it strikes me just now that they encourage me to fuss over the dogs a lot; they're probably discovered it's super easy to distract me with a dog...

We read an article a long time ago in The Economist about a mother who let her married son sleep in a flat with his wife but he had to walk home in the mornings to brush his teeth properly under his mother's supervision. I think my kids figure that I'm not so bad, comparatively speaking. :D 


So anyway... I'm Team Keep Being a Bossy Mom 
 

[unsinkable]

Just speaking in a general sense. No hidden meanings there.

 

Also, in case that wasn't clear, the sympathy comment was said in a joking manner. However, I don't think it's exactly unusual to feel a bit of "I told you so" feeling when you warn someone about a course of action, they choose to ignore you, then the warning is proved true. Of course it's not a particularly productive feeling, because it doesn't help anything after the fact. But it's a normal feeling that perhaps gets an sigh from me on occasion, but not a withholding of sympathy.

For me anyway, the "you" statements read like a sermon. And they are not "general" statements in the sense that every family operates this way.

 

I think in certain situations, I'm entirely comfortable in advising my older-than-18 kid. It isn't age dependant for me. And the more important the outcome/consequence, the more I am likely to advise.

 

I know that isn't a popular opinion on this board.

 

And for the record, to me, it wasn't clear you were joking.

[Catwoman]

meh, I don't have a problem being a controlling busybody mom.  I think it's partly a culture thing, this independence thing; American culture pushes it hard.  

I'm in my adult kids' business all the time :P 

 

 Most things I'd try to weigh how important it is & yeah, some things you just bite your tongue and let them flail around but mostly I have no problem yakking away. Mind you, my kids have never really told me to butt out either....Otoh, it strikes me just now that they encourage me to fuss over the dogs a lot; they're probably discovered it's super easy to distract me with a dog...

We read an article a long time ago in The Economist about a mother who let her married son sleep in a flat with his wife but he had to walk home in the mornings to brush his teeth properly under his mother's supervision. I think my kids figure that I'm not so bad, comparatively speaking. :D 

So anyway... I'm Team Keep Being a Bossy Mom

 

  

For me anyway, the "you" statements read like a sermon. And they are not "general" statements in the sense that every family operates this way.

I think in certain situations, I'm entirely comfortable in advising my older-than-18 kid. It isn't age dependant for me. And the more important the outcome/consequence, the more I am likely to advise.

I know that isn't a popular opinion on this board.

And for the record, to me, it wasn't clear you were joking.

:iagree:

 

My ds17 isn't "officially" an adult yet, but I can't imagine that when he turns 18 or 19, I will suddenly stop advising him about important things... because, you know, important things are important. And chances are excellent that I will give him the advice whether he asks for it or not... and since he has known me for his entire life, I strongly suspect he won't be at all surprised about it. :)

[Tree Frog]

I know this.  I am able to be that most of the time.  

 

Lately there has been more than one occasion where she made it plain she doesn't want my advice, okay, fair enough.  Then things go bad, and she asks, "What do I do? How do I fix this?" Sometimes I have ideas to offer, but sometimes I have had to tell her, I don't have any ideas how to fix this now that you're at this point.  I say this in a neutral way, not a snarky way, but it's just a truth. I think she perceives this that I'm being mean to her somehow.  I'm going to start using the "I'm sure you can figure something out" that has been recommended on this board before.

 

One thing I've had success with is reflecting the question back to her: What do you think you should do? I listen without making any comments, sometimes asking clarifying questions. When she's done explaining, I reaffirm her ability to handle things well and tell her it sounds like she has a plan (if I think it's a good plan, I'll tell her it's a good plan.) Sometimes all my dd needs is my confidence that she is capable of solving her problems. 

[Tree Frog]

LOL.  Not at all!  Goodness, I've worked harder at being a decent parent (not trying for perfection, just decent :) ) then at any job I ever had.  And WOW has that been an endeavor.  :laugh:

 

And yeah, it really is hard to shift into a different mindset.  Super hard.  Our job description changes so dramatically, it can leave a parent reeling and confused and hurt and frustrated and a whole host of other emotions. 

 

The thing is, to truly learn and internalize something, we have to own it for ourselves.  Like in a classroom, a teacher can drone on and on and the student might be able to recite back what they said, but if they haven't made it their own thing, really OWNED that material for themselves, it is just words in the wind.  I learned a lot as a kid (home life and academic life) that was drilled into me but until I really dealt with it myself, really used that information or tested that information for myself, in my own way, it didn't internalize.  I was just regurgitating, not learning in the truest sense.  To really LEARN what they were teaching I had to forge my own path, and make my own mistakes in the process.  The mistakes honestly helped me to really process that information on a much more productive level.  Sometimes I was absolutely dead wrong.  Sometimes Mom and Dad and my teachers were the ones that knew what they were talking about.  It still didn't change the fact that I wasn't ready to see that until I had lived it.  KWIM?  Also, though, sometimes they were wrong.   Sometimes I found a better way.  I needed the freedom to figure it out, find the path that worked for me, however painful that path might be.

 

And honestly, sometimes I would need sympathy without judgement to get through those painful times.  I didn't need advice.  I just needed a sympathetic ear from someone I knew loved me unconditionally.  

 

Have you ever sat down to talk with a friend or your DH, not really needing advice just needing to process through something in your own head, and they showered you with unwanted suggestions then got irritated when you didn't immediately agree and implement those suggestions?  Did you feel a bit frustrated, like there was a disconnect? 

 

I know I have.  Especially with DH.  He doesn't see a purpose in discussion unless it is because I want him to solve the problem.  It makes conversations challenging when I just want a friendly sounding board while I work out my own issues.   I think teens and young adults go through that a lot.  They may not want advice, but they need to process, need to discuss the situation out loud with someone who is sympathetic.  They try to share a concern and immediately get advice.  Then they reject the advice and the person giving the advice and the person receiving the advice are both frustrated.  It makes it hard on both parties to work through what each side needs/expects.  

 

Thank you for writing this out. My dh has been struggling with offering advice, but it not being followed. He believes if his advice isn't followed, the young adult or teen is being rude or disrespectful. I don't see it that way, which upsets him further. I hadn't figured out a way to explain what you just explained. Perhaps this perspective will help him.

[Amber in SJ]

For the adult kid who lives far away I find myself saying, "Oh I am so sorry."  "That sounds really difficult." and "What do you think you are going to do?"  If any of those things elicit a request for advice then I give it.  Sometimes she calls me freaking out about something and I say to her directly, "Do you want me to help or do you just want some mom love?"

 

For the adult kid who lives here.....that is a different story.  If you live in my house you are going to get mothered :)  I can't help it, I have been doing it so long.

 

For example the kid who needs to do X, Y, Z to avoid health issue A, B, C, this is likely to happen:

 

Me:  I picked up X, Y, Z at the store while I was there so you can avoid A, B, C.....it is in your bathroom (whatever) and then I let it go.  I hope that says to her "I have provided you with the tools you need to care for yourself."  

 

When A, B, C happens due to lack of X, Y, Z I say, "Oh no!  Is X, Y, Z not working anymore?"  She then admits that she has not been doing what she needs to do to stay healthy, and then I ask her if there is anything she needs from me to help her remember to do what she needs to do.

 

This is how I gently remind to register for classes or buy scantrons before tests or to wash her darn uniform so she has clean clothes to wear to her job!

 

"What class are you most excited about next semester?"  

"What time do you have to leave tomorrow so you can get a scantron before class?"

"The washing machine is empty if your uniform needs to go in."

 

Sometimes I feel silly trying to think of ways to move her along the path she wants for herself without doing it for her.  It is like mental gymnastics.  When I just want to say, "The next time you are on campus buy the 25 pack of scantrons."  instead I have to phrase it as a question that makes it sound like I am assuming she is acting responsibly when I know she isn't.

 

Parenting adults is hard.  Pardon me while I go make a dental appointment for my 23yo for when she is home for Christmas.

 

Amber in SJ

[Tap]

I am trying to learn to say

 

"if you want a suggestion, let me know" and leave it at that. 

 

Honestly, the way I look at it is.....they are making a thousand right decisions every day.  They have learned, and gleaned information from many sources.  It doesn't generally hurt to try a different way to do things.....but sometimes it does, and that is what we want to protect them from.  They need the life experience to learn how to prioritize certain things.  Just like we all learned. 

 

When I was little, my mom drove all over our little town and paid her bills.  She paid in cash, so they couldn't say her check didn't clear the bank and charge her a late fee. She had a receipt in hand, to show she paid it, and that was perfect for her.  Now days, that would seem really odd. I live in a city and my bills are even local LOL.  I pay my bills online and it works great for me.  My mom's way is still her way.  Not wrong, but also not a way I would choose to do it.  

 

Yes, dd and ds have both gone against the way I taught them to do some things.  Most things have worked out just fine and no big deal to change them up a bit. Just like my example of paying bills.  For, others it cost them dearly and they learned their lesson.  I wouldn't expect them to do everything the same as I do, but over time, by being there to commiserate their lessons, they have started to ask me more about the 'why' behind certain things, instead of just pushing back. 

[GoodGrief]

I get naggy when the outcome of their actions is ultimately going to affect me/the rest of the family in some way (usually financial for our dependent adult children.) Otherwise I may casually offer input or a reminder without any real conviction :-)

[MegP]

Love and Logic has some really great ideas about this very thing. 

[Barb_]

Usually I say something like, "I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I am old and wise and I saw this coming. I will give you sympathy if you tell me I'm old and wise first. Tell me I'm old and wise. Tell me."

 

Vindication is sweet :D

[ondreeuh]

I am going through the saaaaame thing. I talked to my dd last night about her not doing some things she really needs to do. I told her I wasn't upset or disappointed, but I know it is easy to procrastinate. Then I shared with her a couple of things I was putting off, and we agreed to each do the things we were dreading. It was funny; she said, "It's easy for me to think,'Jeez Mom, just do it!'" Yes, it is easier said than done. She texted me a bit later to say she had done one, and I did the same. I still have to do my other task, which I will do right now.

 

For most things I wouldn't push, but these are health things that can't wait. And she generally accepts a nudge from me with a good attitude. I just have to be careful to not sound like I'm scolding. I did suggest she write down a few of the other not-urgent things she needs to do, but I am not saying more (yet). She lives in a different country so I am not up in her business, but she knows I will always worry if she is taking good care of herself.

[MysteryJen]

Some kids accept being mothered and others don't. I do offer advice anyway and have learned to not take it personally if they don't follow it. I also use the old fashioned Love and Logic response I used when they were young, "That's a bummer."

 

Some kids take advice and ignore it. For some kids, even giving advice means "I don't trust you and you are still a child." For my one who hears advice like this, I start out with "I know you will do what is right for you, for me, I would....." That seems to diffuse some of the irritation.

[hornblower]

Usually I say something like, "I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I am old and wise and I saw this coming. I will give you sympathy if you tell me I'm old and wise first. Tell me I'm old and wise. Tell me."

 

Vindication is sweet :D

 

:smilielol5: 

 

I'm SO stealing this! 

[goldberry]

For the adult kid who lives far away I find myself saying, "Oh I am so sorry."  "That sounds really difficult." and "What do you think you are going to do?"  If any of those things elicit a request for advice then I give it.  Sometimes she calls me freaking out about something and I say to her directly, "Do you want me to help or do you just want some mom love?"

 

 

 

I am trying to learn to say

 

"if you want a suggestion, let me know" and leave it at that. . 

 

Great ideas, thank you.

 

Usually I say something like, "I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I am old and wise and I saw this coming. I will give you sympathy if you tell me I'm old and wise first. Tell me I'm old and wise. Tell me."

 

Vindication is sweet :D

 

Barb, I love your style!  This is very much how I parented DD, using a lot of joking to make points.  It works well for her!  (I used to make her say "Mom rocks!" before I would do certain things!  It was sort of a game we played..)

 

 

Some kids accept being mothered and others don't. I do offer advice anyway and have learned to not take it personally if they don't follow it. I also use the old fashioned Love and Logic response I used when they were young, "That's a bummer."

 

Some kids take advice and ignore it. For some kids, even giving advice means "I don't trust you and you are still a child." For my one who hears advice like this, I start out with "I know you will do what is right for you, for me, I would....." That seems to diffuse some of the irritation.

 

Jen, yep, this is my kid.  Thank you for the phrasing.  I need to go to "this is what I would do" rather than "you need to" which is what I keep using.  (Typing that out, it seems stupid that I thought that would work!)

Edited November 14, 2017 by goldberry

[StephanieZ]

How do you balance the "letting them handle their own life" with "supporting them when ignoring your advice didn't work and things go to h*ll"?

 

*sigh*  DD has giant tonsils that really need to be removed, but we didn't have good insurance coverage.  When she gets sick, she HAS to do certain things or the tonsils swell up and cause her bad problems.  DD started getting sick last Thursday.

 

Me:  Are you doing xyz?

Her: Not really, because abc....

Me:  You really need to do xyz.

Her:  Yeah.

 

Me a couple of days later:  Are you doing xyz?

Her:  Will you quit bugging me!  This is my life, you know, you can't just keep trying to direct every little thing I do!

(insert heated conversation here).

 

Her today: I'm going to have to go to the student health center.  It's worse.  My tonsils are so bad I'm gagging and can't hardly swallow.

Me: okay

Her: ....  (I can tell she is annoyed with me for being "unsympathetic".  In my mind, I deserve props for not saying I told you so.)

 

I wish this was an isolated example.  This is repeated about finances, school, etc.  DH just blows it off, says that's how he was, and how lots of adult kids are.  It makes me feel like this:   :cursing:  :smash:  :willy_nilly:  :banghead:

 

How do I become like DH?  Is that even possible?  

 

Adding, is there something I can say when these things occur that is relatively neutral but sympathetic somehow?

 

I *totally* share your pain . . .

 

That said, if you want to become like dh . . . you just have to imagine you are dh and say what he would say. 

 

That might, if done often enough, cause your head to actually explode leaving brain matter all sorts of bad places. 

 

Then again, so might the alternative (of keeping doing what you're doing).

 

Either way, raising adult children might be the death of you. Or me. It's rough. Very rough. I miss the easy days of raising littles. 

 

My current solution was to get a fabulous puppy. He keeps me busy and is appreciative and will never, ever talk back or grow up and move away and begin ignoring everything I taught him. Nope, he'll always be living his life under my charge, lol. So, that's alternative 3 -- get a puppy. Works for me. 

[teachermom2834]

I tend to say, "I know you are going to do you, but I just gotta do the mom thing and tell you yadda yadda yadda...."

 

"I'm not going to tell you what to do and I don't know the right answer for you but my life experience tells me to be aware of xyz."

 

"Let me know what you decide to do." (If it impacts me)

 

Last night college kid was telling me about a potential road trip I think is a bad idea. I told him "that sounds fun. I'm a little concerned about blah blah blah so make sure you have considered that." Conversation ended with "I would vote no but if you decide to go I hope you stay safe and have a great time."

 

So, I do express my opinions but not in a way in which I demand they follow them.

 

Tough time to parent, indeed.