Inlaw communication question re: grandkids college accounts

[LucyStoner]

Some years ago, my MIL asked me to set up accounts for our sons via our state's college tuition plan. I did so, and furnished her the information for each account. I haven't paid much attention other than making sure to thank her annually, when I send a thank you card for Christmas stuff. It came to my notice though that one of my sons' accounts has had one single small deposit and the other sons' account is nearly fully funded. One reason I haven't paid a lot of attention is that for most of the time the accounts have been open, we were on a reduced income and not making any serious provisions towards college for the boys while my husband was back in school himself. Now that our income is rebounding, I want to start kicking in our own contributions because it's not like college is cheap or getting cheaper. Our older son is 14 so these issues are less abstract now than they were when the boys were 6 and 1.

 

It is fantastic that she has contributed so much but I believe there's been some sort of mistake. I can't see her funding one and not the other and honestly, I can't see her funding quite as much as that for both boys. She is well off but not quite so well off as that and she certainly didn't indicate that she was planning to cover their full college. I think what likely happened is that, my MIL not being very computer savvy, has inadvertently made the deposits into one account when she intended the amount to be split between the two accounts at every single point of deposit. The deposits have been made at least annually, sometimes a few times a year.

 

It's just a little awkward to bring up, on the off chance she has intended it to be thus (but again, she's not that sort of person, she definitely doesn't play favorites. I mean, that would be bizarre and out of her character.). The accounts were opened at the same time so it's not like one is bigger because it is older.

 

I don't want her to feel obligated to even out the accounts though. I'm not sure if I can rejigger the allocation between the two accounts without alerting her to the issue.

 

So I think we may need to tell her so that future deposits are equaled out. Or maybe we just keep our mouths shut and just direct all of our resources to the other child's college? We do have some funds that we set aside from our portion of FILs estate for the boys without putting it in their names yet and we have the ability to save more now. Is it crazy presumptuous of me to assume that this disparity is a mistake?

 

I know, nice problem to have I guess and my sons are very fortunate children to have such a grandma, but I can't stress enough how awkward it is discussing money with my ILs. We just don't do it. It is not done. way more important than the social norms to not discuss sex, politics or religion to my ILs is never, ever discussing money. Honestly, my husband's family barely discusses anything more significant than the weather and how the kids are doing at the surface level.

 

Any dazzlingly tactful ways to broach the subject that I can's see from so close? And as much as I would like to say "your mom, you talk to her", my husband is even less able to discuss money with his family than I am. :P

Edited August 1, 2017 by LucyStoner

[Rosie_0801]

Is she the sort of person who feels better if you introduce a topic with how awkward you feel and how sorry you are to be a bother?

[kroe1]

I would say nothing and put your deposit into the empty account since you have the money. It is something you can mention to her later after both boys finish college. It might be a good laugh. I would never tell the boys, however.

 

Had you said you do not have the money to fill the empty account, I would suggest you mention it to her. I cannot imagine a grandmother ever wanting just one of her grandsons to go to college.

[Seasider]

Is the larger amount in the older child's account? Perhaps she thought she'd contribute first to the one who would need the money first?

 

Ok, that's a long shot.

 

I would ask her. Yes, express that it's awkward to ask, and you're so thankful for her generosity, but you thought perhaps she didn't realize the contributions weren't being applied to both accounts.

 

My guess is she will be mortified and will want to make it right. But it's hard with an account like that, isn't it? Once the funds are in can't they only be withdrawn for educational purposes? Perhaps making a call to the bank yourself just to find out what, if anything, could be done to shift the funds would enable you to say "no worries, grandma, this can be fixed easily," having a solution ready to offer at the time you bring up the subject, so she won't have to fret about it very long.

 

Chances are she's just seeing the deposit screen online and doesn't see the actual balances of each account.

 

ETA what a thoughtful grandmother!

Edited August 1, 2017 by Seasider

[Seasider]

Adding to say i think it's worth mentioning even if you have the funds to even things out, because she may be making other errors in her online banking transactions and that could cause her problems eventually.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Seasider

[Sneezyone]

Some years ago, my MIL asked me to set up accounts for our sons via our state's college tuition plan. I did so, and furnished her the information for each account. I haven't paid much attention other than making sure to thank her annually, when I send a thank you card for Christmas stuff. It came to my notice though that one of my sons' accounts has had one single small deposit and the other sons' account is nearly fully funded. One reason I haven't paid a lot of attention is that for most of the time the accounts have been open, we were on a reduced income and not making any serious provisions towards college for the boys while my husband was back in school himself. Now that our income is rebounding, I want to start kicking in our own contributions because it's not like college is cheap or getting cheaper. Our older son is 14 so these issues are less abstract now than they were when the boys were 6 and 1.

 

It is fantastic that she has contributed so much but I believe there's been some sort of mistake. I can't see her funding one and not the other and honestly, I can't see her funding quite as much as that for both boys. She is well off but not quite so well off as that and she certainly didn't indicate that she was planning to cover their full college. I think what likely happened is that, my MIL not being very computer savvy, has inadvertently made the deposits into one account when she intended the amount to be split between the two accounts at every single point of deposit. The deposits have been made at least annually, sometimes a few times a year.

 

It's just a little awkward to bring up, on the off chance she has intended it to be thus (but again, she's not that sort of person, she definitely doesn't play favorites. I mean, that would be bizarre and out of her character.). The accounts were opened at the same time so it's not like one is bigger because it is older.

 

I don't want her to feel obligated to even out the accounts though. I'm not sure if I can rejigger the allocation between the two accounts without alerting her to the issue.

 

So I think we may need to tell her so that future deposits are equaled out. Or maybe we just keep our mouths shut and just direct all of our resources to the other child's college? We do have some funds that we set aside from our portion of FILs estate for the boys without putting it in their names yet and we have the ability to save more now. Is it crazy presumptuous of me to assume that this disparity is a mistake?

 

I know, nice problem to have I guess and my sons are very fortunate children to have such a grandma, but I can't stress enough how awkward it is discussing money with my ILs. We just don't do it. It is not done. way more important than the social norms to not discuss sex, politics or religion to my ILs is never, ever discussing money. Honestly, my husband's family barely discusses anything more significant than the weather and how the kids are doing at the surface level.

 

Any dazzlingly tactful ways to broach the subject that I can's see from so close? And as much as I would like to say "your mom, you talk to her", my husband is even less able to discuss money with his family than I am. :p

 

It's actually possible for her to transfer unused benefits from one child to the other. The Navy actually recommends giving the equiv. of one month of benefits to each child, keeping the majority in one account (usually the member), then transferring it around when/if you need to w/o penalty. If it's GET accounts, it doesn't really matter which account is fully funded for this reason. You can mention it and ask her about her thinking, out of curiosity, but if she's continuing to make payments to fund the other account it's a "meh" sort of thing. I started out trying to make my kids' accounts equal and then figured out that it was a pointless exercise. Whatever oldest doesn't use will roll down to little bro. Making the investment each month was the most important part.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Twolittleboys]

Hm, not sure. If you think you will be able to fund the second child's account to get even to the first child's I would probably just do so.

 

There isn't much to be gained by speaking about it. You said it would be awkward, your MIL may be embarrassed or feel like she has to contribute more now, if the allocation WAS intentional it might change your feelings towards your MIL (depending on the reason - i.e. if she was favoring one child). So if you think you can contribute enough to equal the accounts eventually, the only reason would be if this will worry you/niggle in the back of your mind).

[bettyandbob]

People are funny about monetary gifts. I'd be afraid to approach anyone if this happened in my family. Doing so would easily be interpreted as 1. ungrateful and 2. expecting full funding of second account. 

 

So, I'd put all my personal efforts into funding the second account (hopefully the younger boy) and not say anything. 

 

We had a similar funding issue in our family. All of the children of one generation were given yearly gifts. The family member died. My dc were the youngest so received less. My older dc received money three more years than my dd. Investment gains during those years were greater than after his sister received these gifts. So, during the time of her acct it was less funded and had less chance to make gains. When the relative died some older cousins had fully funded college, but my dc were a long way off that. Still my ds has/had significantly more than dd (those three years made a big difference). We chose to plan to help dd more with college costs. It's worked out. Oldest did graduate this summer with no loans. 

[teachermom2834]

Who is the owner of the accounts? Our state run 529s have me as the owner and I would be able to transfer those funds between beneficiaries. I also can take money out of one account for expenses of a different child. I don't know your whole family dynamic and if you would be comfortable doing it but I would be able to even that out or just plan on taking some from one account to pay the expenses of another.

 

Just thinking that if you were the one that set it up you might be the owner and have more control than you think you do. In our family the kids have separate funds but it really is all family college money to be spent as seen appropriate at the time. If you are positive she wouldn't play favorites I might just even it out myself.

[JFSinIL]

I agree with gently letting Grandma know you just realized oopsy all her deposits went into one boy's account only.... so she can, with your help, get it straightened out so future deposits go 50/50.  You can yourself add to the low account to bring it up equally with big brother's.   Laugh about how even YOU mess up sometimes doing this  on-line banking etc. etc.   Then take her to lunch or something for being World's Best Grandma.

[Hilltopmom]

Just another tip.

If they are grandmas earmarked for the boys, not your accounts that she's been depositing into-

If you choose to give money to kid number 2.. Set up your own account for him, don't use hers. The money doesn't actually belong to the child until it's gifted To them for college.

 

My MIL has accounts "for" the kids, but we and they can't access the funds, just her. And she's um, not always nice & has hinted she may not give them the $ after all. (We're also concerned that she will likely pass away before our littles are college age & other family members may take the money for their kids.. Long story)

Not saying your mil would pull that.

 

But- if I were going to put money into an account for my kid, it would be in my name so that we definately had access to it when needed.

 

That said, id probably mention it to her as well. Perhaps she doesn't get statements or look at them & is at the point when she needs help with her other banking accounts as well.

[lauraw4321]

Depending on how it's set up (what kind of accounts) you can move the money between them, or change beneficiaries of the accounts when necessary. Are they 529s? If so, I believe you can change the beneficiary designation quite easily. 

[gardenmom5]

if you are convinced she's not the type to play favorites - it's not presumptuous to assume the lopsided deposits were a mistake.

 

I could understand "some"  lopsided - as I believe there are at least four years between your boys?  so, that is four more years for the younger one when the older son starts college.

 

I have no idea on how to bring it up.  you could talk to the entity where the accounts are located to see if there is notice sent to a depositor if you were to even out the funds.  (re: do depositors get notice when funds are removed)

 

[Arcadia]

I could understand "some" lopsided - as I believe there are at least four years between your boys? so, that is four more years for the younger one when the older son starts college.

I can understand the lopsided contribution too if the older child is almost fully funded. I think OP's children have an age gap of 5 or 6 years going by her signature.

 

My brother is 8.5 years younger so my parents fully funded my college savings account first. If anything were to happen to my dad who was the main breadwinner, my brother would have been eligible for needs based aid.

 

My kids are a year apart so my parents gave me money every year for their education expenses and I was told equal share. So whatever money they transfer to me (different country) gets split into two equal portions.

[LucyStoner]

Who is the owner of the accounts? Our state run 529s have me as the owner and I would be able to transfer those funds between beneficiaries. I also can take money out of one account for expenses of a different child. I don't know your whole family dynamic and if you would be comfortable doing it but I would be able to even that out or just plan on taking some from one account to pay the expenses of another.

 

Just thinking that if you were the one that set it up you might be the owner and have more control than you think you do. In our family the kids have separate funds but it really is all family college money to be spent as seen appropriate at the time. If you are positive she wouldn't play favorites I might just even it out myself.

 

I think it is the boys?  Correspondence is addressed to me.  Most of that doesn't have their balance information on it. 

[LucyStoner]

Is it the older boy's account that is full or the younger ones?

 

It's the oldest one, yes.  

 

My boys are 5.5 years apart, and 6 school years.  

[Junie]

Is it possible that the money she earmarked for the younger boy's account is going to someone else's child?   :scared: If she is transposing numbers, I guess it would be possible.  I would talk to her (no matter how awkward) and figure it out.

[zoobie]

Is the amount being credited to the older boy's account what she usually splits between both? Does that make sense? Or is that child getting the same amount and the younger one getting zip? If that's the case, as Junie mentioned, it may be going to another person's account entirely. 

 

Can DH approach his mother or do you have a better rapport? I'd have no problems talking to my parents about this or any other gift. "Hey, mom, I just opened the statements from your generous college fund accounts and noticed X. Just making sure that the amount change was intentional and not an error made by the bank or company. Remember when the IRS credited the wrong person's account with our payments? I know it can happen very easily!" 

[ikslo]

Is it possible that the money she earmarked for the younger boy's account is going to someone else's child?   :scared: If she is transposing numbers, I guess it would be possible.  I would talk to her (no matter how awkward) and figure it out.

 

This is what I was thinking.  That all along the other deposit has been going to someone else's account.

 

[Sneezyone]

I think it is the boys?  Correspondence is addressed to me.  Most of that doesn't have their balance information on it. 

 

She may have named you as an information release person so you get updates. DH has the same status on our kids' accounts. I am the account owner but the kids are both named beneficiaries. When we receive gift payments (and I have the donors address), they receive an acknowledgement from GET too. ETA: GET funds must be in the account two years prior to the benefit use year so that also puts additional emphasis on paying for the oldest child first so the entire account value is available/accessible as soon as he graduates.

Edited August 1, 2017 by Sneezyone

[Scarlett]

I would bring it up no matter how awkward.  

 

 

[maize]

Money in these types of accounts can be transferred from one beneficiary to another related beneficiary. Since you set up the accounts you are probably the owner; if I were in your shoes I would call and talk to the account management service and find out what it takes to transfer funds.

 

I do not have separate accounts for each of my children at this point. I have two accounts that I put money in when I can with the intent that whichever child needs the funds will be able to use them. I have two children currently designated as beneficiaries but they are really just place holders.

[katilac]

It's the oldest one, yes.  

 

My boys are 5.5 years apart, and 6 school years.  

 

I would assume she's dumping all the money in one account because the oldest needs it first and there will be 6 years to 'catch up' the younger one. That makes perfect sense to me. I would start my own account for second son - although I might consider putting it in a regular bank account for now, as oldest is about to start high school and conversation about colleges will naturally come up.  

 

I would be surprised if she is not getting at least an annual report of the balance for both boys. This is something you can probably clear up with a phone call to the fund - who owns the account, who gets reports, and so on. Just say that grandma is funding these accounts and you get reports, but don't really understand how it works. 

 

Regardless, it works out the same money-wise if she funds one boy and you fund the other, or if you each fund half. 

Edited August 1, 2017 by katilac

[Guest]

What I would do is ask her for advice about how YOU can help save for your kids college.

 

Like "I know you've been saving for Tim And Jerry to go to college, and now we are able to start saving money for that as well. What's going on with their accounts? How do you think I should start dividing up what we save?"

[maize]

I would assume she's dumping all the money in one account because the oldest needs it first and there will be 6 years to 'catch up' the younger one. That makes perfect sense to me. I would start my own account for second son - although I might consider putting it in a regular bank account for now, as oldest is about to start high school and conversation about colleges will naturally come up.

 

I would be surprised if she is not getting at least an annual report of the balance for both boys. This is something you can probably clear up with a phone call to the fund - who owns the account, who gets reports, and so on. Just say that grandma is funding these accounts and you get reports, but don't really understand how it works.

 

Regardless, it works out the same money-wise if she funds one boy and you fund the other, or if you each fund half.

OP said:

 

"Some years ago, my MIL asked me to set up accounts for our sons via our state's college tuition plan. I did so, and furnished her the information for each account."

 

Based on this information I would assume that OP, not MIL, is the owner or custodian/trustee of the account. MIL is gifting money to the account, this does not entitle her to account statements.

 

I know with my kids' accounts I could provide the account numbers to other family members should they desire to contribute, but that does not equate to turning over any control or ownership to that person.

Edited August 1, 2017 by maize

[Sneezyone]

OP said:

 

"Some years ago, my MIL asked me to set up accounts for our sons via our state's college tuition plan. I did so, and furnished her the information for each account."

 

Based on this information I would assume that OP, not MIL, is the owner or custodian/trustee of the account. MIL is gifting money to the account, this does not entitle her to account statements.

 

I know with my kids' accounts I could provide the account numbers to other family members should they desire to contribute, but that does not equate to turning over any control or ownership to that person.

 

How'd I miss that, lol. Sounds right to me!

[myfunnybunch]

The 529's roll over pretty easily, so it could be that she is contributing to the older boy's account since he will need it first. My MIL did something similar when we started the kids' 529's. We've also rolled over the unused funds from both dds' accounts into our eldest son's account, which has substantially more than his brothers'. We just look at the total of the three accounts as the total college savings for all three boys, and it's looking like we'll be able to make a pretty sizeable dent in their college costs.

[Paige]

My in-laws have something similar for the grandkids. I don't know exactly what is in each account, but they said anything unused by the oldest kids is rolled over into the next oldest's account until he or she has graduated. It makes things look temporarily uneven. My soon to be child will probably be rolling in it even if his account will look smallest at first because he will be the youngest of 13 grandchildren and will get all the unused money.

 

If it is out of character for your inlaws to play favorites, I would just ask or have DH ask openly. 

[katilac]

OP said:

 

"Some years ago, my MIL asked me to set up accounts for our sons via our state's college tuition plan. I did so, and furnished her the information for each account."

 

Based on this information I would assume that OP, not MIL, is the owner or custodian/trustee of the account. MIL is gifting money to the account, this does not entitle her to account statements.

 

I know with my kids' accounts I could provide the account numbers to other family members should they desire to contribute, but that does not equate to turning over any control or ownership to that person.

 

I missed that. When she said she thought m-i-l might be alerted to any changes, I was thinking she must be the one in charge of the account. 

 

It can still be cleared up with a phone call to the account: I set up these funds for my boys, grandma contributes, will she know if we transfer money? 

 

Edited August 1, 2017 by katilac