strange? unable to trust or relate closely to non-family members

[mathnerd]

I have a branch of my family that moves around like a herd - they socialize with each other almost exclusively, are deeply involved in each other's affairs, lend and borrow money from each other, go over to each other's homes to eat and socialize very often, drop off and pick up kids from each others houses, cook for the others when they are sick etc. The strange thing is that all of them do not have very deep friendships outside their family infrastructure. They are friendly, social etc, but the most meaningful relationships are within their family. It helps that they have a very large family and longevity in their elders that there is always something or other going on in their lives. It also helps that they are on the phone with each other several times a day catching up on each other. What is very weird to me is that none of them have a brain to mouth filter when it comes to social conversations. They speak any thought that comes to their mind regardless of consequences - e.g. Wow, you are so fat! How could you afford to buy such an expensive item? Why is your child so meek and scared looking (said about a child who does not like loud conversations and was trying to politely sit on the sidelines)? etc etc They also speak similarly about themselves - e.g. My daughter will have a hard time finding a date because she has let herself go and looks like a hag.

This lack of filter could be because they do not watch what they say to their family and all is forgiven because they are family, in their lives. I am not one of them (they are my ILs) and I find this absolutely weird and they find my boundaries absolutely weird. I have been married for a long time, so they have thought that I am weird for a long time as well!

I once asked my MIL why she has no outside friends and she said that the persons you could trust the most are your own family (implying that outsiders are not trustworthy).

I am yet to meet another family like this! so, is this strange  or is this common?

[Guest]

Ummm... I think you're describing my family... lol

[zoobie]

I wouldn't speak that way to my spouse or anyone, so I'm going with strange. Inner dialogue is supposed to be, well, inner.

[maize]

My dad's family was like this, at least the socializing aspect. They came from a small town where half the town was related to them, I think there was simply no need to look outside the family for a social network.

[Anne in CA]

I think lots of families used to be like this and it is just less common now. My kids prefer each other to anyone else and they have a good age spread. I could see them being like this to the point of excluding others if they lived closer together. My youngest is planning to move to be near the other two when she graduates and they will probably be glued to each other. 

[Ms.Ivy]

Both my family of origin and my husband's are like this, except with generally better filters on their mouths. Sounds totally normal, to me.

[kbutton]

Within the range of normal, but not necessarily super common. Not everyone is blunt in these situations though, and some families that are not like this are also very blunt.

 

I do think that speaking your mind without a filter can be circumstantial, and a close family might be one circumstance that creates that dynamic, but it's not the only one. My first job out of college was in a relatively small software company (our branch was small, not the whole company), and many of the people had been working together for 20 or more years. Most were engineers or tech-oriented people. They were super nice as whole, but they were pretty unfiltered too. I figured if you work together for that long, small talk has been talked to death, lol! I actually really enjoyed it. There was quite a range of ideas in that building! They were also pretty close-knit. 

 

Being an IL in that situation would be hard though. I hope you've found ways to be yourself!!!

[winterbaby]

My ILs are close like that. It's not too common these days but I think the time since it stopped being the human norm is a blink of an eye in the history of the species. Although it would be weird or impossible for a lot of people to go back to, I think it is ultimately healthier than trying to forge connections through the random web of largely transactional relationships we're thrust into by the churn of modern society.

 

People who experience the kind of openness that allows for often don't have the same filter as those of us who mainly have to find our way among people we can't know and trust that well.

Edited May 10, 2017 by winterbaby

[SparklyUnicorn]

Describes my family minus the lack of filter.  The part about them only socializing with each other though is very similar. 

 

 

[Bluegoat]

I think it's common when big extended families live close by.  Sometimes whole neighbourhoods can be like that, too. 

 

Most people only have time for so many relationships, so if your friends are mostly family members, there will b less time to spend with others.

[LMD]

yeah that sounds pretty familiar to me too, except my in laws are more blunt! 😠gotta love them, they mean well. luckily their son (dh) has rock solid boundaries!

[Moonhawk]

My tia's family is like this, the "family" labeled as her and her husband, their now-grown kids, kids' spouses, and grandkids. The live in each other's pockets, share credit cards ("Hey, I'm going to run and get some orange juice, can I borrow your card?" "Sure, here" Me: jaw drop), share everything, and the "main house" of my tia always has someone there. Always. My mom is allowed in the circle if she wants, and I'm an honorary member because when I was younger they babysat me a lot (cousins are about 13+ years older than me), but I'm not really part of the in-crowd.

 

To me, it's weird as in I couldn't be a part of that, but not weird because that is just how they are, and have always been. As for filters, they don't have filters, but they all have very laughy cheery personalities so usually don't say anything mean to begin with. Or if they do, it is said laughingly. Your examples, translated:

Wow, you are so fat!  = Laugh, I wondered who finished the cake from last week!

How could you afford to buy such an expensive item? = Wow, well we know who is treating at the next dinner! laugh

Why is your child so meek and scared looking = I wish my kids had a mute button like that, laugh

Not really nice, but I've never heard them offer an outright insult. And I guess because they are blood family, I've never taken offense to comments like this. Maybe I would if I had married into it instead, lol.

[Katy]

I think this is more common in rural areas with large families who don't move far away.

 

I think it's normal, but no longer common generally.

 

I think it used to be the norm everywhere.

[heartlikealion]

This reminds me of those tv shows like Everybody Loves Raymond. I barely watched the show, but I was under the impression that they really don't have outside friends, just interact with family. So I think depending on who you ask, this may be common.

 

Now the blunt talk... that is more than just blunt, that's plain rude. I can be very blunt with my own family and sometimes say things dh wouldn't say to his own family. They gave us these really expensive car mats one Christmas. The one for the backseat did not fit. Once I realized it I wanted to let them know but didn't know how to do it. Dh basically told me to shut up and just say thank you. But if it was my family they would certainly want to know so they could correct it or get a refund. We're hanging onto gifts that we may never use because his family asks too many questions. As for the mats, I actually did tell my MIL and she went out to the car with me to see for herself. I don't think I upset anyone.

Edited May 11, 2017 by heartlikealion

[lavender's green]

Sounds like my mom's family. It was a bit dysfunctional, but also within the realm of normal for the time and place. I also think that certain aspects of personality and temperament are heritable and can accumulate within a family tree's line, making it all that much more overwhelming.

 

I often found it suffocating, and I think a good chunk of my generation did, too. But many chose to stay in that rhythm of life.

 

However, most of my friends nowadays are within my "church family," so perhaps I'm not so different after all? Just chose different actors?

[kiana]

I was raised a lot like that and it actually has made it incredibly challenging for me to meet anyone outside my family as I had to move for my career. Like how do I adult? How do I friend?

[marbel]

I didn't grow up that way, but I see that in families where I live (moved here 10 years ago).  People don't move away, families stay close; they have no need for outside friends.   

[foxbridgeacademy]

I have no friends outside of family and while I have a very capable filter I also don't really trust (not quite the right word) non-family members, not for the long term.  I do speak very freely within my family, why wouldn't I? And they do the same.  In the end I have all my limited social needs met by my DH, kids, sisters, and mom, any more people and I think my brain would overload (I'm an introvert).  Once the kids are grown I might find myself venturing out of my comfort zone, unless I can talk them into living near us forever (which is my current plan).

[LucyStoner]

My incredibly dysfunctional maternal relatives are similar to that, except for they will get into brawls with anyone who looks at them sideways or for no reason at all. They follow each other from state to state too. They started in Kentucky and then looped through Illinois, Colorado, Texas, Florida, NC, Tennessee and now mostly back to Kentucky.

 

My mother, in her wisdom, moved us away from all that and we only lived near them for about 6 months after I was about age 4. That would be why my and one of my brothers got off that general life path.

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I married into a very tight, pretty much only deals with each other family. Their filters are a bit better, but it's been 17 years and I still feel I am treated like an outsider. It just is, I guess. I talk to my adult children now about daily dynamics when they are looking for life partners, because it's so tough. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[JustEm]

My family is a lot like this except we have filters. I prefer the company of my 6 siblings, their spouses, my parents and dh over anyone else. I have one very close friend from college who I consider family but other than that I don't really have a need for friends. We have a group of friends we play boardgames with and I have homeschool mom friends but I wouldn't count on them to be there for me during a tough time in my life.

[Spryte]

That's not the norm in my world.  

 

I don't live in a particularly rural area, have traveled extensively, and have lived in many, many places.  I have a small FOO.  I have multiple long-term friends who are always, always there for me, even flying cross country to spend a month with me when I lost someone close to me and grief was pulling me under.  We made our own family, I guess, but it's always open to expanding to include more family-friends.

 

I know of one family that sounds similar - they are distantly related to me - and they are uncomfortable to be around, exclusionary, selfish, self-centered, rude, and have the poorest social skills I've encountered in daily life.  I deeply feel for anyone marrying into that family, they will never be fully part of the group.

[solascriptura]

It's a bit strange for American society, but what you describe is how many (if not most) family oriented cultures operate. For example... Many, many Asian cultural groups. American individualism is likewise incomprehensible to many asians.

[AimeeM]

I think it's pretty common when large extended families live very close to each other.

 

DH's family is Italian (and by that, I mean many of his still-alive relatives were born in Italy and immigrated here). Most live, or did live, in multi-generational homes with parents and grandparents, and it seems like extended family lives within a 10-15 mile radius of each other. I remember that our visits up north to see my FIL often involved random drop-ins, several times day, by some of the family members and long-time family friends... even before Dad was ill. Just to drop off food or hang out. They all seem to move in that same circle.

[VaKim]

Sounds like my family.

[Garga]

If it wouldn't fall into dysfunction, I would love something like that. Growing up it was my mom and dad and me. That was all.

 

I married into a small family as well: mom, dad, two sons. And then my parents moved away.

 

I have always longed for a family like the one in the OP--as long as it wasn't dysfunctional! Just the normal irritations that can be gotten over would be fine.

 

One time we visited the in-laws family up in Pittsburg. My husband used to go to Pittsburg for a month or so every summer growing up, and that family in Pittsburg is like the one in the OP. When we arrived, they were so accepting. They acted like we were "family." I'd never felt that before. That immediate acceptance and love.

 

Yeah. I wish I had that. The in-laws I married into who live around here aren't like that. They're stiff and formal and we only get together once in a while and the conversation is stilted. I wish we lived near the Pittsburg part of the family. And I am mad/sad that my parents moved away.

 

Blah. I hate how lonely I am sometimes! I shouldn't read threads about family. Or I should stick to the dysfunctional family threads. When I read those I thank my lucky stars that I have a tiny, stiff family nearby that we rarely see. :)

Edited May 11, 2017 by Garga

[Ravin]

I have a branch of my family that moves around like a herd - they socialize with each other almost exclusively, are deeply involved in each other's affairs, lend and borrow money from each other, go over to each other's homes to eat and socialize very often, drop off and pick up kids from each others houses, cook for the others when they are sick etc. The strange thing is that all of them do not have very deep friendships outside their family infrastructure. They are friendly, social etc, but the most meaningful relationships are within their family. It helps that they have a very large family and longevity in their elders that there is always something or other going on in their lives. It also helps that they are on the phone with each other several times a day catching up on each other. What is very weird to me is that none of them have a brain to mouth filter when it comes to social conversations. They speak any thought that comes to their mind regardless of consequences - e.g. Wow, you are so fat! How could you afford to buy such an expensive item? Why is your child so meek and scared looking (said about a child who does not like loud conversations and was trying to politely sit on the sidelines)? etc etc They also speak similarly about themselves - e.g. My daughter will have a hard time finding a date because she has let herself go and looks like a hag.

This lack of filter could be because they do not watch what they say to their family and all is forgiven because they are family, in their lives. I am not one of them (they are my ILs) and I find this absolutely weird and they find my boundaries absolutely weird. I have been married for a long time, so they have thought that I am weird for a long time as well!

I once asked my MIL why she has no outside friends and she said that the persons you could trust the most are your own family (implying that outsiders are not trustworthy).

I am yet to meet another family like this! so, is this strange  or is this common?

 

I don't think this is strange. This is the social norm for most humans who have ever lived. Having closer relationships with people who aren't family, and keeping family at arm's length, are modern phenomena.  They sound socially healthy, just different from what you're used to.

[HS Mom in NC]

You're listing 2 separate issues. 

 

I have a large, local extended family.  We socialize with each other a lot.  My brother and I do things together all the time.  Neither of our spouses likes intense hikes or camping much, but we and our kids do, so we do that together all the time.  To us it's weird that most adults don't socialize with their siblings regularly. Every major and a few minor holidays usually involve 25-35 or sometimes 40  people (mostly relatives but a few friends of the family too and whoever anyone wants to invite to join us.)  We also have friends who are not family, so it's not exactly what you're describing with yours.

The mouth filter thing is a separate issue.  I know people who rarely spend time with extended family who get that kind of crap from them.

[Bluegoat]

Once you have a certain amount of family close by, I think it feeds into itself as long as they don't hate each other.  My dh family isn't really less family oriented than mine, but they are small.  My MIL and FAL live a half hour away, and my BIL and niece across the proince.  We see his parents regularly, but not that casually.

 

My family is a lot bigger and many live closer together.  So the occassions when there is a birthday or graduation or whatever happen more, there are more people across a given age group that might be inclined to interact, lots of aunts and uncles to take kids to outings and such.  A few happen to be organizer types.

 

So we end up seeing them more, and at a gathering we might talk about something we want to do and someone else is interested too.  And so on.

[Guest]

I have similar. The FOO abandoned the disruptive member who has a mental illness. That person insists on extended family get togethers with their dc and gc...its so sad bc many are coping by getting drunk while the disruption continues, as one of the dc is also suffering from a mental illness but is in denial. Fortunately my dc have met functional extended families so they know its not the norm for a gp to have no friends, or for extended family gatherings to be so bizarre. Spouses are not comsidered family..all family photos omit them.

Edited May 11, 2017 by Heigh Ho