Four Year Old, Physical Challenges, and Rude Comments

[ErinE]

Thank you again. Your help is much appreciated.

Edited May 3, 2017 by ErinE

[Katy]

I wouldn't, but every time we interacted with them for the next 3 years I'd probably remind kiddo to NOT COMMENT or QUESTION about this child's abilities.

[Daria]

Is the sibling older or younger?  I would probably respond differently if it was a child whose feelings were hurt and was old enough to remember vs a toddler where the parents' feelings were hurt.  In the former, I'd want my child to make amends even later.  If it was the latter, I'd do the apologizing on their behalf.

 

How I'd address it with the kid would really depend on what they said.  Are you willing to share that?

[itsheresomewhere]

Your son is four? If that's the case, I am SHOCKED that another parent contacted you. It's completely normal for a 4 yr old to say generalized things/ask questions. Now, I am assuming that you kid didn't say something completely off the wall and insulting. But generally, kids don't understand that a general comment or question could be considered rude and I think most adults should understand that. Now, that doesn't mean that as parents we shouldn't have discussions with our kids about how it's not appropriate to make those comments, of course we always should.

 

Anyway, no I don't think you need to do or say anything else. I mean, unless you tell me he said something completely rude and insulting.

I agree.

[katilac]

He's 4, I wouldn't stress over it. Unless you know the sibling was upset, I'd probably skip the apology in the spirit of least said, soonest mended - assuming it was a rude comment simply because one is not supposed to mention those things. If he was intentionally ugly, like you're so stupid you can't walk, then I'd address it differently. 

 

Otherwise, just remind him again about personal comments, and tell him what to do instead. If you have questions, you can ask mom or dad privately (no, it's still not his business, but young kids are going to have some curiosity about physical differences, and sometimes fear about them). 

 

I do think the incident may be pretty distant in his mind by now, but I'd also hate to only remind him right before he sees the sibling again. You might consider a children's book or two that address this - read them and let him ask all the questions he likes. I think your short answer of having trouble getting around was fine, but more information might help him get it out of his mind. Aren't we all fascinated by what we're not supposed to talk about?  :laugh:

 

Of course, I would definitely give a reminder before the next encounter! And stay close by, lol. 

[Ottakee]

Books are great for explaining special needs. I don't mind questions at all...esp. honest questions from kids. I would rather have that than have the parents shush the child and ignore us.

 

Kids are curious and notice the differences. I am all for helping them learn to embrace them positively.

[Ali in OR]

The parents on here with dc who have disabilities are quietly thanking that parent who contacted you.

 

Not me. I welcome questions/comments from young children about our dd in a wheelchair. It's much kinder I think than just ignoring her or trying to pretend not to notice her to try to avoid being rude. I explain that she can't walk and needs a wheelchair or that her brain isn't the same as most people's. She used to be very popular with toddler boys as she had wheels AND an angry bird hanging off her wheelchair backpack. This learning works best "in the moment", so I don't think I would mention anything to my son now several days later, but maybe prep him the next time you meet up with these folks, or if you have other friends with kids with disabilities, take a few minutes to introduce your son to them so he sees them as real people.

[athomeontheprairie]

The parents on here with dc who have disabilities are quietly thanking that parent who contacted you.

Comments made by a four-year-old bother you? The normal, general, not rude comments?

 

what would you prefer?

armor seeing a video about children with cancer, and the parents would've liked other parents to point out the similarities between the children instead of the differences. child points to the little girl in the wheelchair at the park " yes doesn't she look like she's having fun out here just like you are" that type of thing.

But kids notice differences. how would you prefer that to go?

[Tanaqui]

Four year olds don't have much of a filter, and they aren't always clear on which comments are "rude" and which aren't. To a four year old, "you're fat" is no different from "you're pretty", and "Why can't Johnny walk?" isn't very different from "Why can't the baby read?"

 

He probably doesn't remember doing it at this point, and it's very unlikely that this other child remembers the incident unless your son was really extremely rude. I would not make him apologize. I wouldn't even specifically bring up the incident, I'd just make a mental note to work harder on encouraging him to run personal inquiries past you first before blurting them aloud.

 

I'm really surprised at the request not to mention this note to the friend's parents. Wonder what's up with that? Did they maybe tell this middleman not to bring it up, it's not that big a deal? Or maybe it's the other way around, and they're just bound to overreact to things?

[displace]

I ask DC to not make public comments about how someone looks. It covers all things.

[happi duck]

I'm assuming it was cringe-worthy if someone was still thinking of it days later.

 

I think four years old isn't too young to understand "if you have questions ask mom or dad" or "you don't need to comment on other people".

[DawnM]

My son was about 6 when he was very rude to a boy in a wheelchair who most likely had CP.  I was horrified.

 

I still don't know what got into him.

 

I had a long talk with him and by the end of it he was crying and saying he never meant to hurt him and he doesn't know why he did it.

 

This is my VERY sensitive child and he felt absolutely horrible.  I might have come on a little strong because I was so upset.

 

All that to say......it happens, and it is a life lesson, and move on.

[38carrots]

:grouphug: The person who contacted you is meddling and over-reacting. Moments like this can be mortifying to parents, but are completely normal for this age group. I wouldn't bring it up to DS days later, but would continue what you've been doing--talking to him about different abilities in a positive and inclusive way.

[amyx4]

With my kids, I try to remember to comment right before we see the child. I would probably say something along the lines of....Remember Charlie's legs don't work as fast as yours. So if you are going to play with Charlie please try.....playing cards, sitting down and blowing bubbles, dig in the dirt, etc.

 

When mine were that little we often met a family at their beach house. Their child could float/dog paddle/use a kickboard for hours. But back at the beach house the child would sit in the shade and not run and play. It took a bit for my kids to figure it out.  Keep coaching your kid. He'll get it.

[wonderchica]

What did he say? Was it something mean or something like "Why can't he walk?". If it's the latter, it isn't rude, it's a typical comment for someone his age. The other parent who contacted you is blowing it way out of proportion in the guise of "standing up for this poor child". If he said something truly mean, I would address with him, although I agree he probably doesn't even remember it by now. I say all this as someone who taught at an inclusive preschool and dealt with this sort of thing everyday (although all the kids "got over it" and moved on by the 2nd day of school usually :) ).

Edited May 2, 2017 by wonderchica

[wonderchica]

dp

Edited May 2, 2017 by wonderchica

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm wondering why it's supposed to be a secret from the disabled child's parents. I'm thinking the parents said to forget it and to not make a big deal about it but the person went ahead anyway because "they know best".

 

 

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[goldberry]

Your son is four?  If that's the case, I am SHOCKED that another parent contacted you.  

 

 

:grouphug: The person who contacted you is meddling and over-reacting. 

 

I'm really surprised by these comments.  I would be glad to know, if only so I could remind my kid additionally before future encounters.  I agree with happiduck, 4 is not too young to learn manners and empathy. It doesn't need to be turned into a big deal, just another thing for teaching.

[winterbaby]

I have had comments made about my child by other children and I would be really mortified if third parties were going around trying to police that for me. Because, by the nature of her issues, the shoe is sometimes on the other foot in terms of rude or awkward behavior. And I can imagine how I'd feel about someone coming at me about it days after the fact. Which happily has never happened. If it was the parents themselves, that would be one thing. But this sounds like a busybody.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It takes time to teach a child to have empathy, and to learn to look someone in the eye and accept them without comments about their person. I know more than one person who never learned this and says whatever comes into their head about really personal things because they're "curious."

 

These people say, "If you don't mind me asking...", "I was just wondering...", etc.

 

I actually heard a few of these people ask a person who just had colon cancer surgery, "Oh, do you need to use a colostomy bag now? Ewwww.

 

I know kids who are teens now who were absolutely over the constant comments and questions about their physical differences by the time they were in the the middle of elementary. They try to be gracious, but an amazing amount of people haven't learned to keep their mouths shut.

 

So, do I want the OP to verbally chastise her dc? Of course not. Good grief. But, I don't agree with blowing off the comments of the other parent, either. It's just not cool to make comments about someone's body, and the sooner every little kid learns that, the better.

This wasn't the comment of the other parent. It is the comment if a busybody who can't keep her mouth shut. In fact, she doesn't want the other parent to know that she's interfering.

[AimeeM]

The parents on here with dc who have disabilities are quietly thanking that parent who contacted you.

Not all of us.

 

OP, at his age I feel like it is absolutely normal for him to ask questions, not understand the sensitivity, and not have the impulse control to remember to "wait to ask mommy later," every single time. Kids are curious. I never, ever, get upset if a child asks about DS. 

And this particular DS of mine doesn't seem to care either, although he's also one who has a hard time remembering to wait until later to ask mom about differently-abled people he sees, so perhaps it's because I'm on both ends of this that I see no big deal in the 4 year old asking questions :P

[winterbaby]

Well, maybe she's trying to spare the other parent. But that doesn't mean you let her tell you how to parent. I think we're kind of reading into it that she wants OP to shame her child or something. Being that she's busybodying maybe so. But "talking to him" could be very positive and general. You don't have to bring up what happened in order to tell him what should happen in the future. "[general discussion of disability] -> of course, you should never make comments..." vs. "this thing you did several days ago, bad boy." In fact associating the other kid with shame/getting in trouble in his mind could be a bad move.

[happi duck]

I'm confused about the following, am I missing a post by the op?

The op says "rude comment" in the title but many are referencing that the 4yo just asked a question.

Where am I missing that the intervening party doesn't want the parents to know she said something? I don't see that in the op.

 

Op, not knowing what was said, I'd take this as a reminder to give a good prep talk next time.

 

Threads like this confuse me because I feel like (depending on the details) if the intervening parent asked advice here she might be told "tell the mom, I'd want to know if my kid was rude."

[Farrar]

I'm not totally sure how to respond to this without having even a gist of what was said. The vast majority of things said by 4 yos about anyone are insensitive, inquisitive, and, from an adult perspective, rude. I suppose if the child said something really cruel sounding - perhaps a slur he heard someone else say or perhaps something directly to the disabled child that was belittling - and the parents of the disabled child didn't respond because they were surprised or perhaps weren't there to hear in the first place, then I might want to know and it wouldn't be horribly busybodyish to pass that on, especially if it was from a good parent friend?

 

But to out of the blue email days later if it was something run of the mill insensitive that a preschooler said? It does seem over the top. Like, why didn't the parent of the disabled child say something in the moment? And if it was such a concern, why didn't the "concerned" parent tell the dad while they were all still there? Like, was it really *that* shocking and rude? 

[maize]

I'm also thinking the email several days later is probably over the top for a comment from a four year old. Four year olds don't have the experience and perspective to know what to say and what not to say.

 

I can't imagine bringing it up at this point with the child, who likely has no memory of the incident. I'd keep an eye on him in future interactions and teach and guide as I see needed and appropriate. I would perhaps offer further explanations of the disability.

[Daria]

I think there's a big difference between rude by adult standards, and rude by a 4 year old's standards.  If he asked "Why is that boy in a wheelchair?" Then I'd follow by saying "Remember when you saw _____ and ______ at the park with Daddy?  I heard you had fun that day!  Were you curious about Joey's wheelchair?  Would you like to talk about why kids might use a wheelchair . . . " or I might just read a book about a different kid in a wheelchair.  Either way, I end with "You might think of more questions later.  If you do, please ask me in private.  It's not polite to ask about someone in front of them."  

 

On the other hand if he said "Joey's a baby because he can't walk".  or "I don't play with kids who can't walk."  or "Wheelchair kids are yucky!"  all of which are things a 4 year old is capable of saying, then I do think he's capable of understanding why that's a hurtful thing to say and to reflect on whether he'd like it if other kids call him yucky or a baby.  That doesn't mean he's some terrible kid if he said it, just that 4 year olds need us to explicitly make a connection like "He's just like you.  You don't like being called a baby, and he doesn't either because he's proud to be a big boy who does big boy things."  

 

I also think there's a difference if this was a 0-3 year old sibling who probably didn't process anything, vs. a 5 - 8 year old sibling, who might be holding on to it and anxious about the next time they're together, vs. an even older sibling who probably brushed it off as "babies say stupid things".  

[bethben]

I had a child say something very rude to my disabled son once. He was 11-12 and his mother made him apologize. My son is very young mentally and doesn't get it when people are rude, but I was proud of the mom being a good parent in that instance. If a 4 year old did that, I would shrug it off. When my kids were that little and said something rude about another person, I would just have a talk about others feelings and how we are to always talk kindly about others.

 

 

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[ErinE]

Thank you to everyone for your comments. It's helped me determine my steps going forward. DS4 has been introduced to the sibling, so I'll have him say hello next time we see the family and deal with any questions he might have then. Picture books are a great idea just to reinforce the importance of kindness. If you have any suggestions for books, I'm grateful for your recommendations.

 

He essentially asked the sibling, "What's wrong [with your body part]?" I wasn't clear about that in the original post, but while rude from an older child, it wasn't outside the normal from a four year old. All four of my children have met people of varying abilities so I've always responded to any questions by giving a short, immediate, age appropriate explanation: some people need chairs with wheels, some people have special shoes for walking, etc. I've found that acting very matter of fact for this age answers the question without making the situation a big deal. If I've gone about it incorrectly, please let me know.

 

I think I know why he asked the question. A few days before, he'd witnessed a very bloody playground incident that he talked about for days afterward. He likely wanted to commiserate with the sibling over any injuries, not knowing there was nothing wrong with the sibling.

 

My concern was about speaking to my child given the distance from the incident. I suspect, given the time lapse and length of the email, the parent was conflicted over whether or not to say anything. I want to stay away from disparaging the parent's motives though I really wish DH or I had been told right away so we could have addressed DS's question in a timely manner.

Edited May 2, 2017 by ErinE

[goldberry]

 

 

He essentially asked the sibling, "What's wrong [with your body part]?"

 

Thanks for clarifying. Totally not rude for a 4 year old and as an outside observer I would not have given that a second thought.  Third party parent was out of line.  Do your usual "parenting thing" and all is good. 

[Ali in OR]

He essentially asked the sibling, "What's wrong [with your body part]?" I wasn't clear about that in the original post, but while rude from an older child, it wasn't outside the normal from a four year old. All four of my children have met people of varying abilities so I've always responded to any questions by giving a short, immediate, age appropriate explanation: some people need chairs with wheels, some people have special shoes for walking, etc. I've found that acting very matter of fact for this age answers the question without making the situation a big deal. If I've gone about it incorrectly, please let me know.

 

 

You're doing great. Completely normal question and your approach is right on.

[maize]

Thanks for clarifying. Totally not rude for a 4 year old and as an outside observer I would not have given that a second thought. Third party parent was out of line. Do your usual "parenting thing" and all is good.

Agree 100% with this. Normal 4 year old and the other parent is out of line and has unreasonable expectations.

 

Your approach sounds fine, I would definitely not bring up the past incident.

[Daria]

 

He essentially asked the sibling, "What's wrong [with your body part]?"

 

That totally falls in "rude for an adult, but not for a 4 year old" for me.  

 

I'd still say something along the lines of "I heard you were curious about . . . Let's talk about it now." with a brief reminder that it's better not to talk about people's bodies and that he can ask you any questions he thinks of at home.  I would also expect that, like most 4 year olds, 1 brief reminder isn't going to do the trick and you will probably need to reremind in the future.  

 

I totally agree that matter of factly giving information is a good way to go.

[bethben]

I've had children come up to my son and ask what was wrong with him or why does he have those things (braces) on his legs or why does he use a wheelchair.  I don't mind the questions at all and answer them in a way the age of the child would understand.  I try to make them comfortable with my son.  I had one mom and her son come up to us in the parking lot because her son wanted to know how we got my son in the car.  I have no problem with these questions.  I showed the son how cool my son's seat was and a little bit on how it worked.  I'd rather have the questions and have other children learn to be comfortable around kids with wheelchairs and different equipment.

[MistyMountain]

That is a very typical comment from a curious four year old and can be handled simply even without a parent around with a simple matter of fact explanation said in a calm manner.

Edited May 3, 2017 by MistyMountain

[Paige]

I don't think that was rude. I tell my kids to not comment on other people's looks as a general rule, but at 4, he'd get a pass. He was just curious. My DD has a physical disability that would have been very obvious at age 4. We didn't mind questions like that and it was better than stares and whispers. I would encourage parents of young kids to let them talk to the other child with a disability in a friendly way and not to discourage them. Too often, the child with a disability gets isolated because people are scared to approach her because they don't know how to act, don't want to stare, and don't want to be rude.

 

The type of rudeness that makes me upset and I would want an observer to contact a parent about where when kids said things like:

 

"You can't play with us because of [insert rude description of specific disability]"

 

"Are you as stupid as you look?"

 

or to my other kids: "We don't want to play with your sister. Something's wrong with her."

 

FWIW, my DD's disability was obvious at the time but fairly mild. Today it is not noticeable, and it has never affected her cognitively or hindered her speech at all, so the comments were completely based on prejudice or rudeness.

 

Those statements shouldn't get a pass at any age. 

Edited May 3, 2017 by Paige

[mom@shiloh]

Books are great for explaining special needs. I don't mind questions at all...esp. honest questions from kids. I would rather have that than have the parents shush the child and ignore us.

 

Kids are curious and notice the differences. I am all for helping them learn to embrace them positively.

Totally agree. Books are a great way to prepare kids in advance for many social situations.

 

Several of my kids have a "disability".  Four of them have differences that are visible.  They always prefer honest questions, although they probably prefer no questions at all.