Funeral flowers???? Vent

[FaithManor]

Okay so mom is only going to get $20,000 from the sale of the business, and , $15,000 from a small life insurance policy that had not yet expired despite the fact that he is 72.

 

She blew nearly $7000.00 on the funeral because she doesn't believe in cremation. She will have only $1100.00 a month in social security to live on and insists she is not coming to live with us.

 

So I am exhausted, just tired to the bone and my brain is not working. She is insisting on buying flower arrangements. Help me with words here people. Words.

 

Or if there aren't any words and I should just shut my yap, let her do what she wants, and watch the consequences unfold, send me good thoughts, prayers, alcohol, and an device on keeping my yap buttoned.

 

Sigh ...

 

Good thing my dear Creekland is not moving to the Caribbean now because she might end up with an unexpected roommate!!!

Edited April 21, 2017 by FaithManor

[FaithManor]

And no. My Friday/Saturday break did not materialize because mom and sister, not friends, kind of had an emotional set back.

Edited April 21, 2017 by FaithManor

[Guest]

Hugs. No advice, just hugs.

Edited April 21, 2017 by Moxie

[Seasider]

I'm so sorry. I don't think you'll be able to stop your mom from buying flowers, but you don't have to help her do it.

 

And Faith, I think you better think long and hard about taking her into your home. You are probably just going to have to let the consequences play out.

 

How soon will your sister return to France? Is she likely to travel to the US less frequently now that father is gone? Perhaps your mom can move to France with her.

[Ailaena]

 

I don't think there's much you can do since elaborate funeral arrangements may be helping her greive. Gently bring up these costs, but other than that, I just don't know other than a hardline talk.

 

You can donate leftover flowers to local hospitals or nursing homes. I am so sorry :grouphug:

[GinaPagnato]

Okay so mom is only going to get $20,000 from the sale of the business, and , $15,000 from a small life insurance policy that had not yet expired despite the fact that he is 72.

 

She blew nearly $7000.00 on the funeral because she doesn't believe in cremation. She will have only $1100.00 a month in social security to live on and insists she is not coming to live with us.

 

So I am exhausted, just tired to the bone and my brain is not working. She is insisting on buying flower arrangements. Help me with words here people. Words.

 

Or if there aren't any words and I should just shut my yap, let her do what she wants, and watch the consequences unfold, send me good thoughts, prayers, alcohol, and an device on keeping my yap buttoned.

 

Sigh ...

 

Good thing my dear Creekland is not moving to the Caribbean now because she might end up with an unexpected roommate!!!

 

Sorry, but I think the bolded is your only option here.

 

If someone can invent a yap button, I'll contribute to a Kick Starter campaign, because I could use one (or three...).

 

:grouphug:

[Guest]

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine.  :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

I know this is upsetting for you, but I understand why your mom would want to buy flowers for the funeral. You may resent your late father, but it sounds like your mother loved him very much, so it makes sense to me that she would want him to have flowers at his wake and funeral.

[AmandaVT]

I can't help with the flowers and family dynamics, but as far as the social security goes, she may be eligible for a larger monthly payment. If your father's SS amount is higher than hers, I believe she can collect his. 

 

http://money.cnn.com/retirement/guide/retirementliving_socialsecurity.moneymag/index2.htm

[maize]

I completely understand the frustration over unnecessary money spent, especially when the financial situation is already bad. The only thing I can think of would be to maybe pull the funeral director aside and explain the difficulty with finances and beg him/her to try to disuade your mother? I rather suspect she is not going to listen to you.

 

I think funeral costs are preposterous. My faith tradition generally prefers burial (though I think that is primarily cultural not doctrinal) so that is my eventual plan but I can't think of any reason for embalming and frankly find it repugnant. So much of what we do around death and interment is just unnecessary and expensive.

Edited April 21, 2017 by maize

[G5052]

I've heard of that sort of thing over and over. As if spending most of what you have on a funeral is going to help.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

[Amber in SJ]

My practical advice is this:  Order the flowers in all white or white with a favorite accent color without specifying they are for a funeral.  In my experience saying the words "funeral" or "wedding" jacks up prices like crazy, which is sad.  Have the flowers delivered to mom's house and take them to the funeral home yourself.

 

I agree with speaking privately with the funeral director about the financial difficulties.  It is hard, but it might keep him or her from suggesting expensive add-ons.

 

Still praying for peace for you 

 

Amber in SJ

[unsinkable]

It's so hard bc sometimes older generations cling to their traditions even if it appears not to be in their own best interest.

 

Most men and women I know in their 70s and 80s would never imagine not buying a funeral arrangement for a spouse or close family member. It is just what they do.

 

One of my ILs died, and I told my aunt (no relation to the deceased! and had only met the deceased a few times bc she lives in another city) a few days later. My aunt was beside herself bc she didn't send flowers. And this wasn't even a relative of hers! She fretted for a while, then decided upon a potted plant with fresh cut flowers interspersed and sent it a few days after the funeral.

[Guest]

Not to derail the thread but my mother has several potted plants she wants rid of but my dad won't let her just because they are from his mother's funeral. Crazy. They literally just sat in the same room. I hope that, as a culture, we can move past this kind of expensive tradition that only exists because it is tradition.

[idnib]

I'm sorry. I can relate to your mom's desire to do a burial, although there are cheaper and more expensive ways. For the flowers, I think you'll have to just stay quiet or steer her toward less expensive flowers like daisies vs roses. If you have a Trader Joe's nearby, maybe someone can pick up some less expensive arrangements and bring them as a way to help out. Our TJs currently has a lot of paperwhites.

[unsinkable]

Not to derail the thread but my mother has several potted plants she wants rid of but my dad won't let her just because they are from his mother's funeral. Crazy. They literally just sat in the same room. I hope that, as a culture, we can move past this kind of expensive tradition that only exists because it is tradition.

I like to think those plants were given at your grandmother's funeral as a gesture of remembrance, and friendship, and to honor her life and mark her passing.

[zoobie]

Faith, if you need a break, take a break. Your health and mental well-being is important too. You need to recharge from the energy vampires. You aren't leaving a newborn in the woods. These are adults. Take care of yourself! :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

I don't think there's much you can do since elaborate funeral arrangements may be helping her greive. Gently bring up these costs, but other than that, I just don't know other than a hardline talk.

 

You can donate leftover flowers to local hospitals or nursing homes. I am so sorry :grouphug:

 

this.   my sister needed it.  she wrote the obituary for my grandmother . . . . really? did it have to be that long?  do you know how much the newspaper charges per column inch?  (my mother was paying for it - not my sister.)

but it was clear from reading it, it wasn't about my grandmother - it was about my sister's dysfunctional grief.  she did similar when my mother died.

 

I agree about florists adding $$ for funeral flowers.

also check costco online.

[Reefgazer]

My dad left my mom money to supplement her social security and she blew $19K on the funeral, plot, viewing, stone, and after party. My dad would have shit a brick if he had been around to see that because he was so very frugal. Mom is 87, in terrific health, and has longevity genes into the mid 90s, so she will outlive her money. She doesn't want to live with us either. My siblings and I have just resigned ourselves to paying into a pot of money to supplement her until she dies. I don't mind - she has done way more than that for me over the years. Still, mom spending that much on a funeral would have put dad in the grave, if he hadn't already been there. Let it go...not worth the upset.

Edited April 21, 2017 by reefgazer

[Seasider]

Faith, if you need a break, take a break. Your health and mental well-being is important too. You need to recharge from the energy vampires. You aren't leaving a newborn in the woods. These are adults. Take care of yourself! :grouphug:

Amen!

[Guest]

My experience is let it go. The hat will be passed many times until it sinks in that none of the children are the replacement provider.

[FaithManor]

Thanks everyone. I took your advice and pretty much kept my yap closed. But, I was able to do two things. One was steer her to daisies which was easy because they are her favorite flower, and because he was a seriously intense trout fisherman and towards a woodland theme look which was heavy on greens, grasses, wheat, that kind of thing. It only has a few daisies, a bunch of neat dark blue thistle, and a few orange lilies and mentioned that it would look so pretty around a photo of his race car. (When I was a kid, he was the owner and head of pit crew for a semi pro super stock car - hired driver because he promised mom that after he had kids, he would no longer take the risk.) It was a navy blue camero with a red heart and her name in white inside it on the hood. Instead of being a $300 huge casket spray, it was only $100.00 with the easel for the picture being borrowed. My MIL gave me $50 for my birthday last weekend and I tossed that into the pot. Since I was driving the car, I went to my friend's shop instead of the one across town because I knew prices would be better because she is simply a better business manager, and far more creative with her arrangements, more options available. That helped.

 

As luck would have it two nephew's texted while we were their that their employers were sending arrangements. When I told her that, she was content to not purchase more, and friend is letting me borrow two woodland stands for arrangements that will go with the trout fishing/outdoor theme that mom chose for all of the pictures of him.

 

It is not my thing at all to get wrapped up in things like theme funerals and what not. I always feel like all of the sports stuff, nascar whatever just drives prices up and gets an already overwhelmed family working like crazy people to come up with it all in a matter of a couple of days. But I feel like by taking your advice and finding a way to get on board without doing something I would end up resenting or causing any further harm to our sons' college funds, may help our relationship.

 

That $1100 a month is my dad's SS. He took very little money out of his business for salary for himself or mom. So he worked 80 hr weeks for 47 years, never saved a dime, and that was it.

 

I get what you are all saying about taking her in. It might be the death of my marriage and my sanity. I will talk to my sibs about everyone putting just enough money in a pot to keep her in the retirement apartments locally. They subsidized by income so she will qualify for help. They are also very nice and since she is fine driving yet she can come and go as she pleases.

 

Thank you all so much for preventing my exhausted brain from tossing me off another family cliff!!!

Edited April 21, 2017 by FaithManor

[Anne in CA]

I am really sorry for your turmoil. My guess is that the crazy still isn't over, so do lots of meditation and remember that you get to go on and have your own life. This is a short season, getting shorter.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Liz CA]

Sounds like from your latest update that compromises were reached.

Some things are very important for some people.

Also appears that she will be able to stay in her familiar surroundings which should help with grieving and healing from all the turmoil, not just the loss.

 

I am wondering where you are emotionally? Not that I expect an answer here, obviously. I hope you are allowing yourself to process everything, the good, the bad and the ugly and acknowledge your feelings rather than label them or declare them irrelevant. Coming to peace with - not only what was - but what is now and how to move forward as a member of the extended family, daughter, sister, etc as well as still being there for your immediate family. :grouphug:

[FaithManor]

Emotionally??? I am channeling my inner Mr Spock. There simply is not time or energy for anything else. My sister is a mess, the stress has made my brother weaken - he had a stroke in September and was not fully recovered before having a heart attack in March. I have had to work with the Red Cross to get emergency leave for military family members, and my mom's health, and numerous relatives coming into Detroit metro which is a nearly 3 hr drive from here so almost 6 hr round trip ND no one coming in at the same time, so lots of coordinating transportation.

 

I am the fall guy for everything but I lso have no one but dh whom I can rely on. One ds away at school, one more local in college but had exams and a health problem at the moment, one ds not yet licensed, two aunts with mental illness in the extreme who are determined to attend and need LOTS of accommodations, a kid to move out of the dorms two days after the funeral, and the thing I have not divulged in all of this is that I am running anemic again with a hemoglobin of 9.5.

 

I have emotions. I think. Maybe. Somewhere in there deep down.

 

It would be a lot easier if you all tell me how I should feel right now so I can fake it and feel like a real human being. As it is I am doing Tuvok on Star Trek Voyager quite well.

 

Just trying to survive. Tuesday I can feel something. I think I am supposed to feel sad. But the fleeting, nano seconds of emotion I vaguely register are related to relief.

[Carol in Cal.]

I wish I was nearby so I could help you out directly, Faith.

You all are in my prayers for sure.

 

You did good with the flowers, and with keeping your mom from getting upset.

 

That's quite an accomplishment right there!

 

Let the dust settle a little before you try to figure out the housing thing.  It's great that your mom is as independent as she is, and can still drive.  That buys you some time.

 

How should you feel?  We would have to be real jerks to tell you how to feel, and anyone who tries to do so is overstepping. 

Grief is so weird.

There is anger in it, and peace, and sorrow, and relief, and ups and downs.

There is no continuous progress; it's waves and waves.

There is community.  That is the great blessing.  And there is the comfort of faith. 

(((Faith)))

[maize]

There's not always much time for emotion when you are in crisis mode; that may come later, over weeks and months. And given the stress of the past year (years?) I think relief is an entirely valid emotion.

 

In worried about the anemia though; please take care of yourself. I've heard that stress causes our bodies to use up B vitamins quickly as well so it may be worth taking a high quality supplement for awhile.

[Reefgazer]

Honestly, don't worry about feeling human right now. Putting it on an auto pilot is the best thing you can do to get things done and get through this week. Good luck with things.

 

Emotionally??? I am channeling my inner Mr Spock. There simply is not time or energy for anything else. My sister is a mess, the stress has made my brother weaken - he had a stroke in September and was not fully recovered before having a heart attack in March. I have had to work with the Red Cross to get emergency leave for military family members, and my mom's health, and numerous relatives coming into Detroit metro which is a nearly 3 hr drive from here so almost 6 hr round trip ND no one coming in at the same time, so lots of coordinating transportation.

 

I am the fall guy for everything but I lso have no one but dh whom I can rely on. One ds away at school, one more local in college but had exams and a health problem at the moment, one ds not yet licensed, two aunts with mental illness in the extreme who are determined to attend and need LOTS of accommodations, a kid to move out of the dorms two days after the funeral, and the thing I have not divulged in all of this is that I am running anemic again with a hemoglobin of 9.5.

 

I have emotions. I think. Maybe. Somewhere in there deep down.

 

It would be a lot easier if you all tell me how I should feel right now so I can fake it and feel like a real human being. As it is I am doing Tuvok on Star Trek Voyager quite well.

 

Just trying to survive. Tuesday I can feel something. I think I am supposed to feel sad. But the fleeting, nano seconds of emotion I vaguely register are related to relief.

[FaithManor]

Thanks everyone. Carol, you made me cry. That's the first I have in many months of all of this crazy. Don't feel bad about that though because it was kind of cathartic, and if I have any feelings, they are a bit better because of it.

Edited April 22, 2017 by FaithManor

[Liz CA]

I am the fall guy for everything but I lso have no one but dh whom I can rely on. One ds away at school, one more local in college but had exams and a health problem at the moment, one ds not yet licensed, two aunts with mental illness in the extreme who are determined to attend and need LOTS of accommodations, a kid to move out of the dorms two days after the funeral, and the thing I have not divulged in all of this is that I am running anemic again with a hemoglobin of 9.5.

 

I have emotions. I think. Maybe. Somewhere in there deep down.

 

It would be a lot easier if you all tell me how I should feel right now so I can fake it and feel like a real human being. As it is I am doing Tuvok on Star Trek Voyager quite well.

 

Just trying to survive. Tuesday I can feel something. I think I am supposed to feel sad. But the fleeting, nano seconds of emotion I vaguely register are related to relief.

 

You will get through the funeral. You know when it's all over there will be time to assess. Just make sure you allow the time to assess and process. Feelings of anger, relief and sadness as well as feelings of loss - what could have been but wasn't are NORMAL, productive and cathartic. I see many people who postpone grief and while it seems easier at the time perhaps, it always rears its ugly head down the road.

 

Many hugs to you! I hope your fabulous uncle arrives soon and your dh gets a break from work.

Sometimes one thought helps me when I need to get to the other side: This too shall end.

 

:grouphug:

Edited April 22, 2017 by Liz CA

[Carol in Cal.]

Thanks everyone. Carol, you made me cry. That's the first I have in many months of all of this crazy. Don't feel bad about that though because it was kind of cathartic, and if I have any feelings, they are a bit better because of it.

((((Faith))))

[Farrar]

:grouphug: Faith. That's so hard. People get so crazy around death.

 

Obviously it's no help now, but seriously, everyone else, if you have even semi-reasonable parents, get them to make these decisions now while they're healthy so that the surviving parent can say, oh, look, my dearly departed didn't care about flowers.

[gardenmom5]

Faith, if you need a break, take a break. Your health and mental well-being is important too. You need to recharge from the energy vampires. You aren't leaving a newborn in the woods. These are adults. Take care of yourself! :grouphug:

 

this.

 

after my mother's funeral - I had to get away.   I told dh - just get me out of here.  I had to get away.  fortunately, 1dd was able to watch dudeling.   we went to a cabin in the woods.  they kept it stocked with firewood and farm fresh breakfast fixin's.

 

I made the mistake of reading an e-mail from my brother the first day. . . . he'd been part of why e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. relating to my  mom had been so abominably stressful.

 

it did me good to just sit in front of a fire somewhere NOT my own house.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

 

Hugs

 

Hugs

 

I strongly recommend Iron tablets pronto. I also am very animic and find when I dip down to 9 I cannot function emotionally (or any way really) very well at all.

[creekland]

Good thing my dear Creekland is not moving to the Caribbean now because she might end up with an unexpected roommate!!!

 

:grouphug:  Faith  :grouphug:

 

I'm just seeing this now because we're working on our super tight schedule between my In-laws, Mom (& Dad), and middle son's college award/performances - during all of which we stay with relatives, so feel the need to be social rather than on computers (much).

 

That said, please note that you are ALWAYS welcome to hide out with us - and when we get to the Caribbean, we plan to have an extra bedroom/bath just for visitors.   :coolgleamA:

 

Meanwhile, if you were to catch us when we're in PA, you'd also be welcome there.  It's only one bath in an old, not-updated farmhouse, but it's in a very nice area for some peaceful walks, etc.  People who come tell us they can easily overlook the indoors for what is outside.  That's quite honestly why we bought the place.

 

I hope all goes well for you through all of this - sanity and health.  My thoughts are with you.

 

ps  I thought you worked out the flower thingy perfectly.

[FaithManor]

Thank you everyone.

 

I took a cop out, stayed home to clean today, let a dear uncle take a crack at the unstable ones because he is really good with that kind of thing, and then was surprised by Dh who took me out to eat and then to the Detroit Symphony Orchestra for Symphonic Jazz. I am sure this is viewed with dim suspicion by the relatives, but we just got home and apart from being ready for sleep, I feel so much better.

 

Dh thought up the perfect EMS for what ailed me!

 

I am guest pianist at a different church tomorrow along with bass playing ds so we can avoid it all until after lunch. I was hired for this date several months back so can't be accused of hiding out or shirking responsibility.

 

Since dear uncle and dear nephew will be around tomorrow afternoon and evening, my hope is that the distraction will keep them all from focusing on running me like a rented mule.

 

I am treating the anemia and blood clotting issue. (Hard to do. My bone marrow has been a bit on the Kaput side of things so certain the last pregnancy 17 years ago when I nearly bled out and had to be transfixed multiple times.) I have held off on having blood transfusions since then because I am hugh risk for transfusion reactions and the docs say once I start down that slopes, my days are definitely numbered. Iron injections do not do a lot either. I have major absorption issues. And it is entirely my own fault because I got off my strict regimen this winter during the intensity of rocket team, and the multiple hospitalizations of him.

Bad Faith. Bad bad Faith.

[Tap]

It is super sweet that DH knew what you needed to revive. Hugs for you and high-fives for him.

 

Heatlh issues ontop of stress ontop of family....that is more that one person should have to deal with at one time.  Stress and family in emotional chaos is so draining and adding your own grief to the mix, is too much for a healthy person let alone someone with chronic health stuggles. No wonder you hit a wall!  I am glad you took a break tonight; it really sounds like you needed it. I hope you can immerse your self in your music tomorrow and continue your healing process. :grouphug: 

[Guest]

That was incredibly thoughtful of your husband. Please take care of yourself, as much as you can, going forward. Your family (the non crazy ones) need you around and you can't do that with severe anemia :(

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[SKL]

I think it's grief talking.  My mom was left in charge of her mom's funeral and it ended up costing $10,000.  She basically just went along with whatever the funeral director suggested.  My mom is not a financial ninny.  She didn't have great memories of her mom at all.  Some pretty bad ones actually.  But I think she just wasn't able to think straight at the time.

 

Perhaps if you reassure her that others will surely send flowers, that might help, but I would not do more than that.