"My trial is worse than your trial" - Why do we do this to each other?

[kentuckymom]

This is sort of JAWM, but feel free to chime in. So, as you might remember, my six year old was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes just over a month ago. It totally sucks and it has meant a major adjustment to our lives, but the sacrifices are worth it to keep our little girl healthy and we're pretty much used to it.

 

In the past month I've spent way too much time on Facebook groups for Type 1 diabetics and parents of type 1 diabetics. There's lots of encouragement and advice to be had plus the occasional downer about a child or adult with diabetes who has serious complications and/or died from high or low blood sugar.  What's bothered me lately, though, is multiple people posting about how their friends whose kids have other special needs, such as life threatening allergies, are comparing this to diabetes and saying their life is just as hard as just as stressful. So many parents in these groups totally dismiss this claim saying derisively that such parents just don't understand and clearly diabetes is the worst thing ever to have to deal with. This just annoys me. I have a good friend whose daughter has multiple life threatening allergies and, you know, in some ways she has it worse than I do. Once she took her daughter into a Starbucks to use the bathroom and the little girl somehow encountered enough of one of her allergens that her throat started to close up and they had to rush to the emergency room.

 

You know what I think? There are lots of things that are hard to deal with. My son has no life threatening medical conditions, and I pray that he never gets one, because, with his hyperanxiety, it would be an absolute nightmare. Yes, I have to worry about controlling my daughter's blood sugar and that I'll do it wrong and there will be horribly consequences, but I also have the example of lots of type 1 diabetics who have managed the disease successfully for decades. I also have hope that there's some good research going on that might lead to a cure within my daughter's childhood. I also know that my daughter is confident and capable and smart and she's already doing a great job at helping manage her disease. I worry every day, though, that my son will never learn to write well enough to land a job, that his anxiety and inattention will stop him from succeeding, and that he'll be living with us when he's in his 30's, which would at least be better than him committing suicide because of some tiny offense that would bother no one else (no, he's never actually exhibited any suicidal tendencies, I just have a gift for imagining the worst possible outcome).

 

I know so many people who are going through hard things. My cousin lost her husband to an undiagnosed heart condition six years ago. Last year she fought a successful battle with breast cancer. Now her daughter is suffering lingering effects from a concussion she suffered a month ago and is on a limited school schedule. She was already behind in school due to ADHD compounded by continuing grief over her dad's death six years ago. 

 

I could go on, but you get my point. Sure, there are a handful of people who actually lead the charmed lives they seem to lead, but most people have some kind of struggle going on. Maybe your neighbors are on the edge of divorce. Maybe your friend has been distracted lately because her mother is sliding deeper into dementia but is refusing to be moved into full time care. We just tear each other down by saying our battle is worse than theirs. Ours is different, but that doesn't  make us more noble. It just makes us different.

[Carol in Cal.]

Sometimes it's warranted to an extent.

 

Like when someone talks about how hard it is to be a single mom, because her husband is gone for a fishing weekend and her two kids are only being cared for by her and the fulltime nanny, and someone enlightens her about just how hard that is to see when you're actually single, with 5 kids, living in the projects and working two jobs.

 

But in the examples you mentioned, ugh and double ugh.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Carol in Cal.

[Guest]

I hear you. Sometimes perspective is needed as much as hugs. Like, with Benny's issues, it definitely helps to remind myself how lucky we are he isn't more severely affected. HIE is so hard and the waiting game of what damage we have is exhausting, but it isn't like I just had my baby die from a mitochondrial disease, you know?

 

Maturity is knowing when someone needs censure or gentle perspective and when they just need hugs in their hyperbole and frustration, or validation that their struggles are real. I can't say I always strike that balance - it's difficult! But a gentle reminder and virtual hug is usually well met by all but the worst drama queens ;)

[EmilyGF]

OK, just want to chime in here about a chapter in Jerry Sittser's A Grace Disguised which I read after our baby died and I was mourning. 

 

Jerry Sittser was in a car accident and his wife, mom, and daughter were all killed. He experienced a lot of people saying things like, "Wow, what a terrible thing! That's the worst tragedy I've heard of!"

 

He wrote a chapter (2 or 3) called "Whose Grief is Worse" and goes through a variety of situations and talks about what is worse and easier about each situation. He comes to the conclusion that 1) there is probably no worst loss and 2) even if there was, it wouldn't be helpful to play that game.

 

I found this chapter totally perspective changing and encourage you to read it because it might help you know how to talk with these people in your group. 

Emily

[poppy]

Parent support groups are definitely a mixed bag sometimes.  I have left more than I stayed in.

 

The biggest group is usually the worst, because it has the biggest umbrella.  After a while you hear about subgroups with less obvious names- places a person couldn't find in a search.    So "Moms of kids with ADHD" is 30,000 people including a whole lot of unpleasantness, but eventually you figure out there is a place called "Misfit Parenting with Cupcakes" which is also about ADHD but it's 1/10th the size and very different feeling, and it becomes your tribe.  [i made up those names-- hope you get the drift].

 

Hope you find your place.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I agree with you. People have varying circumstances and strengths and weaknesses. What might be heavy and hard for one parent to deal with might be no big deal to another and vice versa. Didn't someone once say something to the effect of "treat every person you meet as if they are carrying a heavy burden because 95% of the time that will be true?"

[dirty ethel rackham]

I hear you.  I hate that some people have to turn it into a competition.  Everyone has stuff.  Some stuff is harder than other stuff, but it may be really hard for one person at that particular moment.  I've had people tell me that they can't compete with my "stuff" and they don't want to tell me things.  So they avoid me.  I'd much rather be able to commiserate with someone who is having a hard time, even if her stuff may seem easier to me at the moment.  It makes me feel less alone.  I appreciate when people recognize when my load is pretty overwhelming, but still feel free to be themselves with me ... compassionate and full of their own human foibles. 

[kentuckymom]

Sometimes it's warranted to an extent.

 

Like when someone talks about how hard it is to be a single mom, because her husband is gone for a fishing weekend and her two kids are only being cared for by her and the fulltime nanny, and someone enlightens her about just how hard that is to see when you're actually single, with 5 kids, living in the projects and working two jobs.

 

But in the examples you mentioned, ugh and double ugh.

 

You're right. Some people really do overblow their problems and need some perspective.

[marbel]

Sometimes it's warranted to an extent.

 

Like when someone talks about how hard it is to be a single mom, because her husband is gone for a fishing weekend and her two kids are only being cared for by her and the fulltime nanny, and someone enlightens her about just how hard that is to see when you're actually single, with 5 kids, living in the projects and working two jobs.

 

But in the examples you mentioned, ugh and double ugh.

 

I agree with this.  But I also get it, that it's not a competition.

 

I have a facebook friend who regularly posts asking for prayer for her kids for minor things, like "a case of the sniffles."  When my kid was going through a period of constant sickness and test after test with no answers, it was a little annoying.  I didn't say anything to her, of course.  And, of course, my kid's sickness was not the worst trial ever.  

 

Most people go through hard things at some point in their lives. There's no point in comparing.

[Guest]

I think some of it is just human nature. We look for comparisons and try to "measure" things; we try to make ourselves feel better about our situations.

 

I remeber in the book "Holding On To Hope," the author talked about how people want to compare pain; it's "worse" to lose and older child than a baby; it's "worse" to lose a child due to an act of malice than a tragic accident; it's "worse" to slowly suffer and then die or it's "worse" to die without warning...the author concludes - it all just hurts. There's no point examining whose situation is worse. Painful things are hard and they all just hurt.

[KungFuPanda]

I can't play that game. I'd win too much. It's depressing. Honestly, it's been my experience that the people who would happily trade what their child has for diabetes, allergies, even cancer, don't even engage in those conversations.

[Rosie_0801]

I probably look like I do that sometimes, but sometimes it can be a useful distraction technique in a conversation. Sometimes, for some people, hearing about someone's trauma is more companionable than "I'm sorry for your trouble." There's nothing wrong with "I'm sorry for your trouble," of course, but sometimes it helps to hear "Yeah. I get ya. I've got enough life experience that I really can imagine, and I'm not using a cliche here."

 

I'm not comparing a head cold to diabetes though, coz that'd be dumb.

[happypamama]

Just because a sick or disabled child trumps not having that child at all doesn't mean that it's not really, really, really hard to have a sick or disabled child.  Those are difficult and exhausting things.  You can be grateful that your child is alive and still be weary of the day-to-day hardships and still wish your child didn't have those issues.  Playing the "my trial is worse" game is foolish and pointless.  Your trial is your trial, and mine is mine, and acknowledging one doesn't diminish the other.  I agree with you Kentuckymom (although I think I'm not making my point very well).

 

What I've learned from my recent tragedy is that there's always going to be someone else who has it worse, so there's no point in playing the game, because we all hurt in different ways.  Life is just hard.

 

 

[SarahB82]

I can't play that game. I'd win too much. It's depressing. Honestly, it's been my experience that the people who would happily trade what their child has for diabetes, allergies, even cancer, don't even engage in those conversations.

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

I am sorry.

[Pawz4me]

I think most people just want (need) to be heard. 

 

And some of it does have to do with perspective/experience. If the worst thing you've experienced as a parent is your kid breaking a wrist then that's a pretty big deal to you. If you've dealt with chronic and/or life threatening issues, then you're much more apt to shrug it off as a minor blip. 

[Guest]

I think people do it because they are either careless or clueless.

 

You have to watch, though, because the careless have mastered phrases like "I'm socially awkward" or "I have a hard time saying what I mean."[real things people have a real hard time with].......... but after awhile you figure out that, no, actually, they say just exactly what they mean, quite confidently.

 

Like Carol and Rosie have pointed out, sometimes an "oh, sister I feel you becaue XYZ" is just the thing, or a "You're being plumb ridiculous."  But only part of the time, and while you can't hit it on the nose every single time, most people actually try to do their best and practice some discernment in this arena, even for complete strangers. CERTAINLY for friends.

 

Some people...don't. And that's a bummer.

[Guest]

I wanted to add that, you know, whatever is happening RIGHT NOW is what a person is thinking about. It's unrealistic, and often cruel, to essentially demand people take a step back from whatever fresh hell has arisen in their lives to "see the big picture" just to....what? soothe your own existential angst?

 

The only way to get anywhere, is straight through and you can't rush the process. Anyone who's hurt badly knows that in a way they very much wish they did not.
 

 

ETA one of the best quotations of all time, from Rilke:

 

 

“Do not assume that he who seeks to comfort you now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do you good. His life may also have much sadness and difficulty, that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, he would never have been able to find these words.â€

 

 

 

Edited March 20, 2017 by OKBud

[SparklyUnicorn]

That does sound challenging.  Sorry you are going through that. 

 

 

[G5052]

We've had horrific tragedy in our lives on an ongoing basis. I could write one of "those" books about the last 12 years, but I wouldn't want to relive it all.

 

And Sunday at church when a few friends were expressing concern about our recent crisis (frankly the hardest few weeks ever), an older lady came up and started talking about her rheumatism. Does that compare to our recent problems? Not at all. But I expressed care and concern to her. She was obviously struggling, and people had already expressed support to me.

 

One of my favorite quotes: 

 

Be KINDER than necessary, everyone is fighting some kind of battle,

Edited March 20, 2017 by G5052

[Rosie_0801]

I wanted to add that, you know, whatever is happening RIGHT NOW is what a person is thinking about. It's unrealistic, and often cruel, to essentially demand people take a step back from whatever fresh hell has arisen in their lives to "see the big picture" just to....what? soothe your own existential angst?

 

It is a bit of a hassle when a traumatised person finds themselves having to counsel everyone else through it.

 

Sometimes, one traumatised person can plonk down next to the person in crisis, crying in a puddle. Person in crisis doesn't have to counsel that other traumatised person, because they sit right down in the puddle and say "Don't worry about it. My pants were soggy already."

 

 

:grouphug: 's to everybody.

[Guest]

It is a bit of a hassle when a traumatised person finds themselves having to counsel everyone else through it.

 

Sometimes, one traumatised person can plonk down next to the person in crisis, crying in a puddle. Person in crisis doesn't have to counsel that other traumatised person, because they sit right down in the puddle and say "Don't worry about it. My pants were soggy already."

 

 

:grouphug: 's to everybody.

 

+1

[Liza Q]

I hardly ever mention my experience (I lost my son to cancer when he was 5) because it is rarely helpful. Why should I scare or upset someone who is just looking for encouragement or understanding?

 

There was a time that I would get aggravated by the kind of things that people I knew considered traumatic and I was very much SHUT UP you have no idea. Only in my head of course, but I did feel it. But as my grief has changed and sort of evened out across my life I feel that way less and less. And I do, of course, have many other difficult issues in my life, just like everyone does. and they really can be overwhelming. So I do understand how many people feel that their particular issue/struggle/trauma is the worst.thing.ever. And was I any different when I was so sure that my experience was truly the worst.thing.ever? Well, maybe I never said it, but I certainly felt it.

 

I think I do understand it when some people feel the need to emphasize their pain and suffering over someone else's. How many time was I told that I'll get over it with time and it gets better and oh it could have been worse? Maybe not so bluntly and meant to be comforting and encouraging but still. So I give people the benefit of the doubt as they may just be reacting to all the times others have minimized their pain. No, I don't think they are handling it well, but I can understand their frustration.

[Butter]

I was once, when I had a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 year old, that the woman understood exactly how hard it was to have two little close in age kids because she had cats.  Yup.  Cats.

 

My daughter, who has some chronic illnesses, has a youtube channel where she talks about various things relating to invisible illness.  She addressed this in one of her videos.  One thing she talked about was people saying they know just how she feels literally not able to get out of bed some days because once they worked out really hard and were sore the next day (someone actually said that to her).  Another is comparing grief and difficulty.  The thing is, what is easy for one is terribly hard for another.  And another was the "at least you don't have..."  After they determined via MRI she didn't have a brain tumor, people were like "at least you don't have a brain tumor" and while she is very glad she doesn't, she still didn't know at that point what was causing all the pain.  It's belittling to say "at least..." because while it could always be worse, it is bad right now and that is enough.  Empathy and compassion go a long way.

 

It's funny, but my mom's friend just had a rod in her foot for 6 weeks and she finally got it out a few days ago and it was really painful and a horrible experience.  My mom was asking her how she was and she kept saying it was nowhere as bad as what my daughter is going through.  My mom told her no, it is okay to say you are having a hard time with something even if you think someone else is worse.  Because it is bad for *you.*

[QueenCat]

Yes, most people have trials during the life. Some far more difficult than others. It's important to be able to empathize with people but we need to do it carefully to not diminish someone who is truly going through a horrific trial. I can remember when ds was having his first brain surgery, thinking how horrible life was, etc...... UNTIL I met some of the other kids on the ward, and realized my son was the healthiest one there and was going to live a pretty darn good life compared to the others on the ward.

[JFSinIL]

Hubby's aunt did this a couple times - when one of my twins was first diagnosed with autism and we were looking for therapies etc. she had to chime in how she felt just as bad - her little Scotty had digestive issues. No, Aunt, my toddler's autism is not the same as your damn dog's bowels. This is the same aunt who was an EXPERT on child-raising after raising ONE daughter who she got as a calm, placid even, toddler (yes, adopted). Sorry, but I was raising FOUR little kids (including twins) one with a significant disability, and not the same at all.

I helped run an autism support group for parents for a while, and at one function folks were just swapping stories etc. when one mom who had a child with a severe, regressive form of autism felt she had to put us all in our places since her child was the most affected. I had commented on how Joe was moving from echolaia into some spontaneous speech, when she flat out told me "My child will never talk at all". Ok, you win?

 

I figure, to each parent what is affecting their child is the worst thing in the world. We can't compare our kids - it is not a contest to see who "deserves" to feel the worse or who is "lucky" their child is not as bad off as another child. IT IS NOT A CONTEST!!! I knew a mom who had a son who had a fine brain, very smart little boy, but he would always need a walker and have a stoma (poop bag). I knew better than to comment on how lucky she was that his BRAIN was more than fine. To that family, the physical limitations of their child would always be the worse thing ever.

Edited March 20, 2017 by JFSinIL

[Ali in OR]

My disabled dd does a motor fitness activity group with lots of other kids with different issues--others in wheelchairs, some with Downs, lots with autism, lots of unique things too. I like being in the room with these families because even though the kids are so vastly different, for all of us our "normal" is not normal. My dd has different challenges than her classmate with autism, but I can connect with his mom just because we know we both have our trials. Thankfully there is no competition in that room to see whose trials are hardest--we can just have some time to be "not normal" together.

[TravelingChris]

I don't like one-upping and find it sad.  Let's see- let's all discuss all the possible horrible things that can happen and do happen and rate them.  I am a super analytical type of persons so even though I am a Christian and attend Church- I don't like it when I hear Christ suffered the worse death.  Let's just leave it as Christ died for us.  Because if you are cognizant of some of the depths of depravity in crimes and persecutions there have been- there really is no need to go into which particular heinous way to die is the worse.  Let's just call violent death awful.  Let us just call chronic illnesses and conditions awful.  Let us call all kinds of situations awful or troubling.  If you haven't had pain in your life, you are either delusional or so extremely lucky it is hard to believe.  We have physical pain and emotional pain. 

 

So I pray for people and even cry at times for some of you and your problems.  Just here on the Hive so many people having such losses, problems, diseases, situations. 

 

As someone else upthread said, there are clueless and people without caring out there.  Try to limit contact with those people while you are at your worse suffering.

 

So hugs to Rosie, Ethel, Margaret, Kung Fu Panda, JFSil, QueenCat, Butter, Liza Q, G5052, ArcticMama,happypamma, Kentuckymom.  And yes, I have had my cry for today.

[heartlikealion]

I don't know what's worse, one upping with strangers or inside your own family. I try to brush it off and make mental notes about who I can open up with. People are hurting and looking for an outlet I guess. Maybe they think giving perspective is helpful, but sometimes it's not (or not done very tactfully?). Someone looking for a missing item at the Lost and Found might be upset until they overhear the woman mourning the loss of a house that burned down with all her belongings.

 

The silver lining thing can be annoying at times, but you figure people probably mean well. (At least you're not dealing with X). At the end of the day the best thing I can do is use my experiences to help guide me as to how to best respond to others. I don't know where I heard it, but the phrase, "is this helpful?" was suggested as something to ask yourself before speaking. At my best I remember to do that. One of my own sisters is quite frankly kinda poor at offering comfort. I imagine there are lots of people like her that mean no harm.

[shawthorne44]

I completely agree with you.  Every now and then I get exasperated with people when they say something like they have PTSD because a pet died.  But, in general, yeah, I have no idea what other people are going through.  

 

I've used an analogy between my daughter's medical problem and diabetes. only saying it isn't as hard/bad.   I wonder if I should stop?   I haven't used it often, but when I am trying to point out that what daughter has is treatable and she can be healthy and 'normal' with treatment.  Also, many shots are involved.  My daughter has growth hormone deficiency.   So, she has to get a shot of it 6 nights a week. but monitoring is once a every few months rather than every few hours.   Also, treatment will likely stop once she is in puberty.   The analogy started when a friend of mine expressed shock that we were trying for another child when the first had a 'genetic problem'.   "She'd never do that to a child."  

[shawthorne44]

... Someone looking for a missing item at the Lost and Found might be upset until they overhear the woman mourning the loss of a house that burned down with all her belongings....

 

I once cut to the bone on the back of a finger.  They gave it between 50-80% chance that the finger would continue to work.   I was feeling really sorry for myself.   I was sent to PT and I mentioned to the PT that I was worried about my finger.  She was nonchalant and said, "It is just a finger".   This was at the county hospital and I looked to my right and I saw a guy with a leg missing below the hip.  

 

But, there is a way to gain perspective and mine is an example of a good way.   Having it verbally shoved in your face, with your feelings denied in the process isn't it.   (I mean that just in general, not anything about anyone here)  

[DesertBlossom]

I have decided that when hearing about someone else's struggles the best and only thing to say is "that sounds really hard." Or something along those lines. There is no point comparing trials. None at all.

 

When DD was diagnosed with t1 diabetes at 23 months old it was the worst thing I could imagine. It was so hard. I had people say "well, at least it's not cancer." In the moment, so soon after her diagnosis, that was not the least bit helpful. It didn't make it easier for me to understand blood sugar and carb counts and insulin ratios. It was just hurtful. Today, sure, I can say that FOR ME diabetes is easier than cancer. FOR ME. I get to say that for me, inside my own mind. But I would never, ever tell someone else struggling with something "well, at least it's not x, y or z."

[heartlikealion]

I once cut to the bone on the back of a finger.  They gave it between 50-80% chance that the finger would continue to work.   I was feeling really sorry for myself.   I was sent to PT and I mentioned to the PT that I was worried about my finger.  She was nonchalant and said, "It is just a finger".   This was at the county hospital and I looked to my right and I saw a guy with a leg missing below the hip.  

 

But, there is a way to gain perspective and mine is an example of a good way.   Having it verbally shoved in your face, with your feelings denied in the process isn't it.   (I mean that just in general, not anything about anyone here)  

 

Sometimes having someone say it aloud is necessary for one to get the message at all (something that won't be visibly realized) but other times it's just too aggressive and defensive to be helpful. In the case where it's done aggressively (ie. upthread "my child will never talk" may have been delivered aggressively) I assume this person is hurting deeply and just wants some level of acknowledgement to their struggle?? I'm not saying it's right, but it's probably more useful to the listener to think, "this person is lashing out from hurt" rather than what some of our gut reactions might be. I'm still working on this myself.

[heartlikealion]

I have decided that when hearing about someone else's struggles the best and only thing to say is "that sounds really hard." Or something along those lines. There is no point comparing trials. None at all.

 

When DD was diagnosed with t1 diabetes at 23 months old it was the worst thing I could imagine. It was so hard. I had people say "well, at least it's not cancer." In the moment, so soon after her diagnosis, that was not the least bit helpful. It didn't make it easier for me to understand blood sugar and carb counts and insulin ratios. It was just hurtful. Today, sure, I can say that FOR ME diabetes is easier than cancer. FOR ME. I get to say that for me, inside my own mind. But I would never, ever tell someone else struggling with something "well, at least it's not x, y or z."

 

This.

 

[Guest]

I don't know what's worse, one upping with strangers or inside your own family.... One of my own sisters is quite frankly kinda poor at offering comfort. I imagine there are lots of people like her that mean no harm.

Definitely the family,cause when they one up you they are declining to support you. Luckily I was warned by the doctors that most will disappear while some one up, so I didn't take the words as any more than the sign of a person with no compassion. I have a good laugh every time I decline some extended family event and they try to guilt me because its FAMILY. Riiiiight. And the ones that dont hightail it: Does anyone really think calling and vehemently saying you are sorry that the person you are talking to is going to die is appropriate? and the followup, giving them christmas 'gifts' prominently featuring their affliction? I can only feel sorry for them.