S/O tips to prepare for homeschooling

[bethben]

I don't want to rain on the original poster's happy ideal parade, but ideals don't always happen.  So, what's your story?  What was  your life plan when you were in your early 20s and how has the ideal been different from the reality?

 

My plan was to get married right after college, wait a few years to have kids and have 4 children at least by the time I was 30.  Homeschooling wasn't even on the radar since I believe it was still illegal (or perhaps just turned legal) when I was in my early 20s.  

 

My reality?  I didn't get married until I was 24.  We waited two years to try to get pregnant and had 2 years of infertility.  I was 29 when my first child was born with severe special needs.  We do have four children, but our last child was adopted when I was 40.  We wanted a larger family, but being pregnant while taking care of my oldest son was too taxing on my body.  Finally, for the first time in our married life of 22 years do we feel like life is not a chaotic mess.  And just when we were thinking everything was going smoothly, life has thrown another curve ball.  My ideal was to be an empty nester by 50.  Now, we will never be empty nesters.  

 

YET!  While my ideal plan wasn't accomplished, I am wiser and more content because I have learned to be content.  I have learned joy despite the chaos and disappointments.  My life is probably richer because my ideal never happened.  

[EKS]

When I was in college, my plan was to get an MD-PhD and become a medical researcher.

 

When I didn't get in anywhere I applied, my plan was to continue working as a scientist in the biopharmaceutical industry.

 

When I had my first child at age 28, I realized that I could not do everything well.  So I gave up my career to raise my son.

 

When that child had learning problems in K-1, I decided to homeschool.  I homeschooled in one form or another for the next 13 years.

 

Right now I am just on the other side of the homeschool journey.  There is a small possibility that we will go back to homeschooling next year, but I'm not counting on it.  

 

I am happy with the way things worked out.  And I have no idea what the future holds.

[freesia]

I planned to get married right out of college--nope 31

 

I planned to probably live overseas as a missionary--well, I did 2 years in Africa and lived in Canada for 8 years, but any other service is not going to happen b/c of dh's allergy.  Ditto wanting to take our kids on lots of overseas projects--money and allergies nixed that.

 

I planned to have a big family and thrive--well, I had 4, but it has been WAY harder than I ever imagined.  I get overwhelmed easily apparently.

 

I thought by homeschooling I'd be able to always give them a top notch prep-school education and, while we've done well, I've fallen short many times. Ditto all the projects and project based learning we were supposed to do.  And the hands-on living book science and early second language and. . . .  I have had to embrace teaching "the kid on the couch" and not my dream child as well as having to face the fact that I have my limits.

 

I thought my kids would be naturally confident and somewhat gracefully glide through adolescence.  Well. . . they have regular kid problems with self-esteem, confidence, friends, romance, etc.

 

I thought we could follow the kid's passions, but I didn't know how expensive that would be.

 

I didn't know how hard it would be to balance a home full of half extroverts and half introverts.

 

I didn't expect the youth director at church to leave right when my child needed an outside adult the most.

 

I didn't know how hard it would be to be patient and how sanctifying this whole process would be.

 

Re: the original post--I am at the point where I can't even give advice, bc there are no words.  Mostly the success of homeschooling seems to rest on a personal level of how well the mother can cope. That seems to inform every.single.thing.  And there is no way to know how you will cope until you are in the midst of things. 

[wendyroo]

It's interesting, on paper my reality looks very much like my ideal.  But in terms of day to day life, it is so, so, so different.

 

I knew when I was 8 years old that I wanted to go to MIT and be an engineer - Check.

I knew I wanted to get married, save money and then buy a house kind of near my parents before starting a family - Check.

Before DH and I got married we agreed on a 5 year plan culminating in our first child being born in the spring of '09 - DS was born March 29, '09.

I announced early on that I wanted to have three or four children, boys first, then girls - Yep.

We decided we wanted to homeschool the kids long before we had any kids - Check.

 

It all went exactly according to plan, except of course that my oldest has autism, ADD and severe anxiety and my second has ADHD and probably ODD and our house is full of screaming and destruction and the hopelessness that often accompanies mental illness.  For the record, THAT WAS NOT IN THE EFFIN PLAN!!!

 

So, yeah, both exactly like the ideal and diametrically opposed to it.

 

Wendy

 

[Guest]

Well I talked myself into thinking I'd do what was advised here - get a degree and work for ten years and then do the homemaker thing. But it wasn't what I wanted and it wasn't what happened.

 

I really did end up getting married, being a homemaker, having a bunch of kids and homeschooling them, just as I'd dreamed about as a teen when I wasn't trying to live up to other people's expectations about what I should do with my life. I spent a lot of years feeling like a disappointment to my family because I *just* did that and didn't fulfill my academic potential according to them. Pfft.

 

I think pursuing what you love in terms of learning and work is important, but it isn't foolish to not want that for yourself even if you have the grades and everyone else thinks you should. I think it's funny I tried to talk myself out of my goals and my life ended up exactly where I wanted it anyway. Not every detail worked like a dream but I'd say I got 95% of what I wanted in that regard. I'm poorer and less sanguine than I wished and we are working on both those things :lol:

Edited January 24, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[Wheres Toto]

Pretty much nothing in my life went according to the plan at any stage.   :laugh: 

I went to college for pre-vet.   Planned to eventually get married (not too young) and have a couple of kids, before I was 35 but not too young.

Had to stop after 3 semesters due to lack of funds.  

Worked for a year went back to school with a major in Biology, Environmental Science.  Figured I might not be able to do vet school on the part-time plan, and working with wildlife would be a good plan B.  

Had to take another year off, got married (at 22), got pregnant (24).  Continued school part time while working full time as an Admin/Marketing Assistant.  Finished associates degree.

Got laid off, decided to go to school for Elementary Education (good job to have with kids) under a state program for job retraining.  

Got divorced (abuse)  and couldn't finish my student teaching.

Went back to work as Executive Admin. 

Finished Bachelor's Degree.

Never planned to get married again.  Never planned to have any more children.  I was DONE.

Got remarried, had my son, planned to stay home with him which worked out perfectly because I was laid off (company closed) during my maternity leave.

Had another kid a week before I turned 38.  
Started homeschooling (NOT ever on the radar before this) when ds "graduated" from EI and school made it clear they wouldn't be able to deal with him.

Stayed home until dh got laid off, started his own company, and it became clear we needed more affordable medical benefits.

Went back to work doing essentially what I did before (Executive Admin for pharma).  Worked for three years while kids had a private teacher.

Dh got a new, more stable job and I quit my job.

I'm back homeschooling, doing some part-time and contract work, and plan to continue through high school for both kids. 

 

I was a docent at a local zoo for over 10 years, even though I never was able to work with animals for pay.

[MeaganS]

Wanted to get married young and have kids young and be a sahm (I did). Homeschooling wasn't really on my radar until after dd8 was born. Dh chose medicine, so education for him has been a long, long road. So he's still in training although we've been married for over 10 years. Oldest dd has some special needs that are definitely different than I anticipated. Mostly, though, my plan has turned out exactly as I anticipated. We are very blessed.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I fell chronically ill when my oldest was a baby. Ten years later, I am finally doing a lot better, but still have insomnia messing things up. The quiverfull types at my old church seriously thought having a second child while already ill would magically fix things. We had kid number two for other reasons, and their silly notion didn't work. It just left me couch ridden and unable to drive for two years.

 

People selling the quivefull ideal ignore how many women have their bodies destroyed by so many pregnancies.

[LMD]

Hmmm, I didn't really have big dreams for life. More vague dreams lol. I wanted stability and to have kids. I wanted to do something that I was passionate about but I didn't know what that was.

 

I married a very stable guy straight out of high school. I started a degree - with a view to go into teaching - and worked an office job at the same time.

I was surprised with fertility issues and miscarriages (didn't see that coming at 19!) which kind of consumed me for a while.

Homeschooling wasn't on my radar until after our oldest was born, but once we were in we were hooked.

 

It was only after having kids and hsing that specific dreams crystallised. Living off grid in the country (but not so country that our kids' opportunities are limited), starting our own business, focusing on true learning and education and community... I have lots of ideas and dreams now!

[Seeking Squirrels]

I wanted to get my teaching degree and get a few years teaching under my belt before having kids. I wanted 2-3 kids fairly close together so that I would be done having kids by around 30. Then later do foster or adoption for 2 more children. I considered doing an out-of-my-home daycare/preschool when my own kids were younger and again when they were old enough to be a bit more independent. We were going to homeschool all the way through and be the kind of homeschoolers that were relaxed and loved learning and followed interesting rabbit trails.

 

I never even finished the degree, had a paper-pushing job til I had my first at 27, had my 2nd at 31 and now can't have more. DD8 is high needs and made an at home daycare a distant dream. Marriage has been rocky so now foster/adoption is off the table. Homeschooling has been a struggle and a fight and hasn't looked anything like I pictured and DD8 is in PS this year. 

[Ali in OR]

Keeping it short:

 

Like OP, didn't plan to have a severely disabled child. This has definitely changed the shape of my life. Some of those changes are good, but it still was never part of a plan. Being one of four kids, there's a part of me that always wanted a big family. I'm not fertile enough for that, and after one severe birth defect, further pregnancies were always scary. Plus just the time and energy that oldest requires just made it hard to sign up for caring for a big family. I feel very blessed to have the three I have.

[mykidsrmyjoy]

I always wanted to grow up, get married and have a bunch of kids. I wanted to get my degree and then be married in my early 20s. Well, marriage happened but the degree didn't. My sweet husband came along when I was 19 and that was the end of my college plans. I had our first child when I was 21 and the next 4 in less than 10 years. I do somewhat regret not pursuing an education during those first 2-3 years of marriage when I only had 1 or 2 kids. I would someday like to go back to school, but right now my priority is our kids and giving them as good of an education and life as we possibly can.

[SamanthaCarter]

I had some ideas about what I thought would and wanted to happen when I got married. I wanted children but didn't want to homeschool them. I thought I would quit working after my second was born (that happened) and then resume working after my youngest started K or preK (nope) I thought my kids could go to private school. I never imagined my oldest would be so asynchronous that traditional school wouldn't be able to serve his needs. I also didn't know private school would be out of reach financially. So I painted myself in a corner. I started homeschooling. Now I can't see a way I could earn enough to send the kids to private school if I wanted to (at least not at first starting my career over). Plus its too far to the only school that suits, and still not sure they'd have enough flexibility for DS. Doesn't look like I'm gonna have that career. And the money struggle will continue for the foreseeable future.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Edited January 24, 2017 by SamanthaCarter

[Carrie12345]

My "plan" was to see where life took me!

 

One thing I did say was that I'd be done having kids by 30.  #4 was 2 weeks late, 3 days after my 30th birthday.  So I went ahead and had another at 33, lol.

[abba12]

I pretty much got exactly what I wanted actually, and I feel so amazingly blessed for it.

 

I wanted to marry young, have lots of kids, definitely homeschool (non negotiable for me), have my husband work from home at least some of the time and be an active involved father, and focus on living life and having experiences, rather than keeping up with the Jones's and climbing the corporate ladder.

 

I basically got all that, or am in the process as far as lots of kids goes. I'm 25, with three kids, and finally 'really' homeschooling a 1st grader (after being put down as not really homeschooling for quite a few years). I'm also studying at university part time, and run a fairly successful part time business from home, all the while cooking healthy meals from scratch, the whole shebang. 

 

But, I definitely had roadblocks, the plan didn't happen as painlessly as intended. I have a severe mental illness but I already had that before marriage and had factored it into the plans. I suffered hyperemesis with each pregnancy, and have had two ectopic pregnancies, hence the large gap between youngest and a much prayed for future baby. My husband ended up coming home, not because he had a great plan in place to work from home, but because he was finally diagnosed with a chronic illness and will never be able to work full time (or at least not without, essentially, giving up on being a part of the family at all due to it taking ALL of his energy). I also get help, we have family come in to clean once a week, and since I am working and studying I only teach school half of the week, DH teaches the other half.

 

The dream can be done, it's just hard work. We've had a lot of roadblocks, but I wouldn't trade this for anything.

[LucyStoner]

When I was 19 I thought I wasn't likely to marry or have kids.

 

At 21 I eloped with another very young person (he was 22). The plan then became no kids until we were 30+ if at all.

 

Just before 23, our older son was born. The plan then was to work FT, buy a house and send him to the best schools. Also, have 2-3 more kids before I was 32 or so.

 

At age 24, I had the first in a long series of miscarriages but everything else proceeded as planned for the most part.

 

At age 28, we had a second son and we owned a small townhouse. Our son started kindergarten. I said I would get homeschool.

 

At age 29, our older son was beyond miserable in "the best" school and was dx with ASD and we quickly decided to homeschool. That led to me becoming pretty much a FT SAHP.

 

At 32, in order to facilitate my husband advancing his education and me still being able to stay home, we downsized to an apartment and we have been here ever since.

 

That was when I learned to stop making any rigid plans. 😂 I have an idea of what we will be doing in 2, 5, 10 years but I fully expect those plans and ideas to evolve as the years pass.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited January 30, 2017 by .qp_

[Guest]

I think mostly, I was just so La-Dee-Da, Everything Will Work Out when I was early 20s. I still remember sitting around with my girlfriends, talking about how we were "going to have a baby in May" because that was an ideal time to have a baby, or that we would space our kids 2.5 years apart, because that was ideal spacing. It's like it never entered our silly, young minds that perhaps babies would not come when we "planned" or that they may not grow, or that they may not live. Just for one tiny example.

 

But other things too: thinking that parents would just continue on, healthily, as if we didn't realize that aging often brings diagnoses that rob our parents of their lives, their abilities, their minds. Thinking that a peace-time, booming economy would just motor on and the industry in which we worked would just be all boom, no bust.

 

There's so much more, but I'm starting to get depressed.

[Zinnia]

I grew up in evangelical circles where young marriage was somewhat glamourized.  I thought I'd get married by 20 or 22.  I was surprised (shocked, more like it) when it took until 26 to find and marry my dh (who is perfect for me, and I'm glad it happened that way).

 

We got married deeply in debt, and when we got married, we had a plan to pay it off in 3 years.  I had checked out Larry Burkett books from the library, did the pencil and paper math to work it out, and I just *knew* it would work.  My dh quit his job in a downturn, convinced they were about to fire him, and he was unemployed for 6 months before he went back to grad school.  It would take many more years before we both figured out that the level of anxiety he was experiencing at work wasn't about unstable workplaces and bad bosses, but about some internal anxiety that needed to be dealt with.  That anxiety set us on a completely different path early in our marriage because of the unemployment.  

 

I supported us for a couple of years, which was fine but didn't help us get ahead monetarily.  And just when we had it all figured out, and we were back on top, the massive recession of 2007/2008 hit us.  It hit us hard, both with our home values (at a time we were trying to sell), as well as career wise.  At the time, I had stopped working, and dh works in construction materials.  He lost 40% of his income over about 2 years.  

 

It's taken 10 years to recover.  This year, he's back to making what he made in 2006, through several promotions and a lot more responsibility.  Trust me when I say that we never saw that coming.  We didn't know that we'd own a house, then go back to renting, which is us now. We had years in which we could barely pay our bills, after a strong start to our marriage, double masters, double incomes, and we just *knew* that we had it all figured out.  We are on track to pay off the last of our student loans by early next year.  2018.  That will be 17 years after I finished and 12 years after dh finished.  All the wrong Larry Burkett/Dave Ramsey things to do.

 

I also underestimated raising kids.  I really, really, really honestly believed that if a child misbehaved or acted out of turn, I would just calmly explain to him/her once the reasons why that was a bad idea, and that would be that.  Problem solved.  Hahahahaha!!  My oldest is.... intense.  That sort of intense where random people ask if he's on the spectrum (nope), where you scratch your head and wonder what makes him tick....  He has battled reflux his entire life, which we didn't figure out until age 6.  He is super bright.  Loved homeschooling, but didn't want to, you know, do school at home.  But was bored if we weren't doing school.  A tiny bit crazy making.  :)  He's at a high achievers' magnet school which works for him, but... we don't want to live here forever.  So I'm always wondering what is best for him.  My second is profoundly dyslexic, and I spend a lot of my homeschool day helping that.  Lots more individual needs than I ever thought possible.  

 

So, no, none of it so far has turned out like I thought.  It's been good, it's been hard, it's been messy.  But not predictable.  We always say that we make plans, and God laughs.  And pretty much, that sums up our lives.  

[Garga]

I don't think I had plans.  I just sort of figured that this is how my life would turn out:

 

I'd probably get married.

I'd never, ever, ever have kids because they cry and throw tantrums and have snotty noses 

I'd probably be poor and live in an ugly apartment with bugs

I'd have a little car

I'd have a job somewhere, not sure where--an office or something

 

 

I got married at 19,

worked for a health insurance company(office job),

had a decent apartment, then 2 decent houses--small but not with bugs.  

I'm not poor, but am somewhere in the middle of middle class, probably just below the middle of middle class.  

 

I finally did have kids after 10 years of marriage and what a shock to find out that I loooooove them more than I believed was possible for a person to feel love.  

 

Homeschooling and homemaking was never on the radar.  Just thought I'd work my little job and drive around in my little car.  

 

I'm currently pretty crummy at homemaking, but pretty decent at homeschooling.  Not the best ever, but I work hard at it.  

Edited January 25, 2017 by Garga

[regentrude]

It's a mix.

When I met my DH, we lived in a communist totalitarian society. Never in my wildest dreams did I envision that that would simply collapse - which also means I never imagined that I would ever be able to leave the country.

 

I wanted to: 

go to university and did that.

get a PhD and did that.

to do a Postdoc in the US (after that became possible), and did that.

have 2-3 children after completing PhD and postdoc, and had two.

stay home for a few years, and did that.

 

I did not anticipate:

that being a SAHM would drive me into severe depression.

that I would ever teach, but ended up in a teaching job I love.

emigrating to the US.

living in a small town.

homeschooling (in fact, it never occurred to me that "normal" people do that. It is not legal in my home country.)

[Guest]

Your life fascinates me, regentrude. I bet you could tell some amazing stories about how you came to be here from where you began. :)

[Melissa in Australia]

My life turned out pretty much as planned - except I was very firm I was only having 2 children and was very very against homeschooling.

[Guest]

My life turned out pretty much as planned - except I was very firm I was only having 2 children and was very very against homeschooling.

Oh was that all? :lol:

[Kalmia]

I was never going to get married or have children. I was going to get as much education as possible (got my master's, didn't have enough money for the PhD), live alone in a cabin in Upper Enchanted Township, Maine, write fantasy novels, and occasionally entertain friends and handsome lovers.

 

I ended up moving to NYC, working in zoos and nature centers, marrying the man I dated in college, deciding that some of the kids I taught in my nature education programs were actually kind of fun and cute so I had two. The first one was such a bad fit for public school (and my realization that the public school's Kindergarden pedagogy had changed so much from when I was a kid that it was unrecognizable) I pulled him out and homeschooled him and his sister for six years. It was perfect for our family until the oldest hit the age of thirteen and started making my life miserable. We moved to Maine so he could go to a private school for free where he continued his adolescent acting out, and got a much worse education than if I had gritted my teeth and kept on with the homeschooling (should have asked for advice from the Hive before making that decision). Because I had worked for nonprofits, my being a SAHM and Homeschooling mom did not significantly affect our finances (meaning, I never made very much money) and I am so glad I stayed home. We had so much fun together when they were little. And I was able to use what downtime I had for reading and learning and writing a book. The last three things would have been significantly reduced or eliminated had I been a working mom as I am a very low energy person. In the next two years, I hope to reenter the workforce, not for money, but to go back to my conservation work at a time when many species are in dire straights and I might make a small difference.

 

 

[pinkmint]

I honestly don't things could have turned out much differently than what I wanted/ how I thought they would. In some ways it's been gloriously better, in others it's been a painful death-like process. 

 

My early 20's? Ok let's take age 20. I was an IV drug user. So there's that. But I did have ambitions and dreams and plans. Deep down I wanted to get married and have kids (I believe) but it all sounded so boring and stifling. My main aim in life was to be in a successful rock n roll band. Meaning that I would get paid to do it, even if it wasn't a lot, be able to express myself and have lots of fans love me. I was actually in 2 different bands for a couple years. 

 

Yes, my life was pretty messy with drugs, train-wreck relationships, semi-homelessness etc. but ultimately there where some things I had to let go of just to begin to harness the ability to live a somewhat healthy life. With that came the admitting that marriage was something I actually wanted as opposed to a string of messy relationships. Having babies was something I became convinced was an ok thing to be open to and then because of good fertility I was thrown into that before I was even sure what to think. 

 

Now that I'm in this life I feel the weight of the meaning of what I'm doing as something very important, and I never would have thought that before. So now I'm trying to make the best choices I can. I never thought I would end up on government assistance in my late 30's, for example, so this current life has been very humbling. But I have also been given great gifts that I didn't even know were gifts at first. Not to mention the fact that I'm not dead, in jail, HIV positive or a hooker which were honestly a good possibility on my former path. 

[Laura Corin]

I planned to go on to do a PhD in French at Cambridge.  Then I spent a year in China and, essentially, didn't come back to Europe for eighteen years.  I was doing the PhD because it was something safe and known.  Going to China allowed me to see wider..

 

I studied for an MBA by distance learning.  It took five years and I went to the graduation ceremony unexpectedly pregnant with Calvin.  We then had to move to Hong Kong, where working part-time was not an option and full-time hours would have meant never seeing Calvin.  Then C was diagnosed with some delays, and we moved to an area of China where local schools weren't a good option, so I ended up home educating for seven years.

 

Husband was laid off for the third time six years ago and has had a hard time finding work since.  I now work full time and, with our rental property, provide our income.  I retrained as a secretary, moved strategically through two jobs until I got into the big local employer where I think I can move up.

 

And you know, it's all good.  There have been some dark periods but the twists and turns have all offered new opportunities, things to learn, ways to grow together.  We will be 25 years married, 29 years together, this year.

[Julie Smith]

My plan was to work in childcare till I had kids of my own.

To marry a man who would earn enough that I could stay home and homeschool our kids.

To move to where his work was so he would have a short commute and more time at home.

To have two or slightly more kids, preferably boys.

To always live near a library, and other things so I rarely would need to use a car.

 

I do admit everything has happily gone according to plan.

[bethben]

To always live near a library, and other things so I rarely would need to use a car.

 

 

 

I would love to live in a home where we could walk everywhere - the library, places to eat, ice cream stores...My mom lives in a home like that.  Unfortunately, many homes like this are older which means not wheelchair friendly.  My 16 year old has that dream also.  My kids wish there was a candy store nearby.  You're living my home dream!

[Frances]

To always live near a library, and other things so I rarely would need to use a car.

 

.

I never planned for it, but this is one of the things I absolutely love about the house we purchased 18 years ago. It has had a huge impact on my quality of life. I can go weeks without driving, just walking everywhere. Within 20 minutes of walking we have both our jobs, the library, downtown shops and restaurants, a major grocery store, the biggest park in the city, numerous other parks, several swimming spots for our dog, a university, the hospital, and almost all city and state offices.

 

And fortunately, I have a husband who likes to drive and do errands and a work schedule that makes it easy, so he doesn't mind driving to take care of most things not in walking distance.

[Hannah]

I never planned for it, but this is one of the things I absolutely love about the house we purchased 18 years ago. It has had a huge impact on my quality of life. I can go weeks without driving, just walking everywhere. Within 20 minutes of walking we have both our jobs, the library, downtown shops and restaurants, a major grocery store, the biggest park in the city, numerous other parks, several swimming spots for our dog, a university, the hospital, and almost all city and state offices.

 

And fortunately, I have a husband who likes to drive and do errands and a work schedule that makes it easy, so he doesn't mind driving to take care of most things not in walking distance.

 

This is where I thought I'd be living.  I now live rurally, in an eco-estate 20 minutes out of town.  Its a beautiful location with good security that is great for the kids, but I still dream of the big city for my retirement :).

[Laura Corin]

This is where I thought I'd be living.  I now live rurally, in an eco-estate 20 minutes out of town.  Its a beautiful location with good security that is great for the kids, but I still dream of the big city for my retirement :).

 

I lived in big cities for most of my life before moving here eight years ago.  We live in a small village surrounded by woods and fields.  Walking into that is, it turns out, more important to me than the other facilities.

 

For retirement, we are planning to move to the next village which has a village shop, but where we can still walk out into the fields.