chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 If you have a bladder infection .... urine trouble! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplejackmama Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Mushroom walks in a bar and tries to order. Bartender says, "nope we don't serve your kind." Mushroom says, "why?! I'm a fungi!" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 A cartoonist was found dead in his home. The details are sketchy. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UncleEJ Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 How do you catch a unique bird? U-nique up on it! (You sneak up on it) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 I've been reading a book on anti-gravity. I just can't put it down. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Ds likes to make bad cat jokes and then say, "What? I'm just kitten around." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 Ds likes to make bad cat jokes and then say, "What? I'm just kitten around." Hi Farrar :seeya: I hoped you'd join in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegGuheert Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the Higgs Boson go to Catholic church? For the mass. Credit ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two atoms are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait, wait, we have to go back! I've lost an electron somewhere!" The second atom says, "Really, are you sure?" To which the first atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive." Credit Edited January 17, 2017 by RegGuheert 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 My son LOVES puns and tells them all....day.....long. We're heading out to 4-H but I'll have to take a look when we get back. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 (edited) Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar followed by Batman. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the Higgs Boson go to Catholic church? For the mass. Credit ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two atoms are walking down the street and one says to the other, "Wait, wait, we have to go back! I've lost an electron somewhere!" The second atom says, "Really, are you sure?" To which the first atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive." Credit Hehe. The first one reminds me of one of my husband's t-shirts. It has 5 commas and then a picture of a chameleon. And your last one - well, my daughter has that on a t-shirt. You can probably get a feel for our family culture :001_smile: Nerdy + punny gets bonus points! Edited January 17, 2017 by chocolate-chip chooky 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off in an accident? He's alright now. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 17, 2017 Author Share Posted January 17, 2017 My husband didn't like his beard at first. But now it's growing on him. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 How do you catch a unique bird? U-nique up on it! (You sneak up on it) How do you catch a tame bird? The tame way. What do you call it when the whole office gets sick? A staff infection. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegGuheert Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Hehe. The first one reminds me of one of my husband's t-shirts. It has 5 commas and then a picture of a chameleon. And your last one - well, my daughter has that on a t-shirt. You can probably get a feel for our family culture :001_smile: Nerdy + punny gets bonus points! That sounds like the culture (can we call it culture?) around here! My favorite T-shirt slogan: "Silence is Golden, but duct tape is Silver!" 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 Did you hear about the guy who had his left side cut off in an accident? He's alright now. And the guy who fell into the upholstery machine is completely recovered. But the guy who fell into the lens-grinding machine made a real spectacle out of himself. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted January 17, 2017 Share Posted January 17, 2017 So f(x) goes into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions." Some helium goes into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses," but the helium doesn't react. A neutron goes into a bar and has several beers. Upon leaving, he asks for his bill. The bartender looks at him and says "Oh, for you, no charge." Some bacteria go into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, you can't come in here!" The bacteria reply "Why not? We're staph!" 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 :hurray: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Um_2_4 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Not nerdy, but punny. What is brown and sticky? a stick. Where does a king keep his armies? In his sleevies. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 How do you catch a unique bird? U-nique up on it! (You sneak up on it) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup! (second part to the bolded above) How do you catch a tame bird? The tame way 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 What is the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 What do you call a fancy dance for rabbits? A hairball. Credit: Bunnicula by Howe 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 where do penguins keep their money? . . . in a snow bank what did the baby corn say to the mommy corn? . . . where's my pop corn? what kind of animal is a slug? . . . a snail with a housing problem If two’s company and three’s a crowd, what are four and five? . . . Nine 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 A woman goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives her one. A Freudian slip ... it's when you say one thing and mean your mother. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outdoorsy Type Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 The butcher backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lots of little ducklings Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 dd4's favorite. I'm not even sure she understands why it's funny, but she dissolves into uncontrollable giggles each time she shares it (which is daily): Why did the scarecrow win a big medal? He was out standing in his field. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanalouwho Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 So f(x) goes into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't cater for functions." Some helium goes into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses," but the helium doesn't react. A neutron goes into a bar and has several beers. Upon leaving, he asks for his bill. The bartender looks at him and says "Oh, for you, no charge." Some bacteria go into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, you can't come in here!" The bacteria reply "Why not? We're staph!" A proton walk into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender asks, "are you sure?" "I'm positive." Sent from my HTCD160LVW using Tapatalk 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debbi in Texas Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 How do you catch a unique bird? U-nique up on it! (You sneak up on it) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pea soup! How do you catch a rabbit? Tame way (The same way) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lanalouwho Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 How do you get down off a chicken? You don't. Down comes from ducks. How do you get down off a duck? Well, how'd you get up there in the first place? Sent from my HTCD160LVW using Tapatalk 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vida Winter Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 My dd has been making up puns since she could talk. I'll ask her for some favorites. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelli Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents in jokes, to which the horse replies "I think not!" POOF! The horse disappears. This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UncleEJ Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 How do you catch a tame bird? The tame way. What do you call it when the whole office gets sick? A staff infection. (second part to the bolded above) How do you catch a tame bird? The tame way Thanks! I knew there was more to it, but I can never remember the rest. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UncleEJ Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making head lines. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. ___________________________________________ A Roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The bartender says "Don't you mean a martini?" The centurion replies. "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it." 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rose Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 What do you call a fountain that doesn't contain an angel statue? A sans-serif font. :D ----------- My all time favorite: Why can't you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Because you can't combine a vector with a scaler! 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 What's a pirate's favorite letter? (At this point most people will think they're clever and say "arrrrrr.") You may think it's "R" but a pirate's first love is the "C." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 a fb "memories" today was puns . . . stealing someone's coffee is called mugging pasteurize: too far to see whoever invented "knock-knock" jokes should get a no-bell prize I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram. the other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester. no matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary. energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mathnerd Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 (edited) Yo momma is so mean ... she has no Standard Deviation. If that is not an OK joke to share with kids, here is another one: When she said that I was average, she was being mean. Edited January 18, 2017 by mathnerd 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Jokes about German sausages are the Wurst. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 I love these! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 "I tell bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones argon." ..... The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him: "Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"Sartre replied, "Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fill the order and Sartre returned to working. A few minutes later, however, the waitress returned and said, "I'm sorry, Monsieur Sartre, we are all out of cream -- how about with no milk?" 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 18, 2017 Author Share Posted January 18, 2017 Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Did you hear about the Spanish magician? He said uno...dos...and then he disappeared without a tres. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tree Frog Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 What do you do when you stub your toe? Call the tow truck 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 A woman said she recognised me from the vegetarian club. But I'd never met herbivore. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 What is pink and fluffy? Pink fluff! What is blue and fluffy? Pink fluff holding its breath! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RegGuheert Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 Since dumb nerd jokes are a staple around here, I sent some of these to our adult children who are away from home. DD24, who is a PhD candidate in chemistry, sent this one in return: Why do you get less energy from hamburger than from steak? Because it's in the ground state. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 19, 2017 Author Share Posted January 19, 2017 Police were called to a daycare centre. A two year old was resisting a rest. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted January 19, 2017 Share Posted January 19, 2017 My DS told me these today. When is a car not a car? - when it turns into a driveway. When is a door not a door? -when it is a jar 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted January 20, 2017 Share Posted January 20, 2017 Did you hear about the Dalai Lama getting a tooth pulled without anesthetic? He wanted to transcend dental medication. My daughter even remembered to say this at the oral surgeon's office the other day after getting wisdom teeth extracted. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chocolate-chip chooky Posted January 22, 2017 Author Share Posted January 22, 2017 A store was giving out dead batteries, free of charge. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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