Where do you find friends?

[MedicMom]

There is a jazz band playing Friday night at the bar/restaurant I do marketing for. I really want to go. DH hates anything like that, and I don't want to go alone. I realized I don't have anyone to even ask to go with me.

 

There are only two other females in my company, and neither are really friend material for various reasons. I am polite but that's all. We are Christians, but work Sundays so don't attend church. DS6 cannot be left with babysitters due to autistic behaviors, so that eliminates any evening groups such as MOPS. DH works 70 hours a week and, frankly, the nights we are home together he is preoccupied with his hobbies(tonight he's at the firehouse; I haven't seen another adult in 48 hours). My kids' schoo doesn't really have anything for parents. I live in a super small town where things are just plainly limited and people have been friends for decades. I was homeschooled after moving here at 14, and we didn't do any activities in this town, so I didn't get to meet and make friends with the locals.

 

This isn't really a JAWM. I need to get out and meet people; I just can't think of how.

Edited January 12, 2017 by MedicMom

[scrapbookbuzz]

That is a tough one. Not that it would help you this weekend but

maybe you could volunteer to organize a parents coffee hour while the kids are

in school? Maybe a specialty one for parents with autistic kids? As hard as it seems,

sometimes when we want a specific group to fill a social need and can't find one,

WE are the ones that need to start it!

 

HTH!

[J-rap]

Most of my friends now I've met through past kids' activities -- homeschool, theater, sports, etc.  I've also met some good friends (without the kid connection!) through community grassroots type groups, church groups, and book clubs.  

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm in the same boat. 

[elegantlion]

I lived in that small town until this summer. We had only been there just over 5 years and really had no friends because everything was either church or school related, we did neither. We moved to the nearby town where my college is for many reasons. I had started feeling like the lack of friends was our fault, but since we've moved, we're able to be more involved because of proximity. Because I can hang out longer at school, we've made friends, ds has made friends and we've been able to entertain at our house, sometimes just spur of the moment stuff. It all feels weird and good. 

 

I know moving probably isn't a possibility, but we made ourselves available to things. Are there any meetups in your area? book clubs? Knitting clubs? Something where part of the activity involves building rapport with people. Can you look for different commonalities? For instance my current group of friends range from ds's age (19) to mid 30s and I'm the oldest at 40+. 

 

Kids activities were always hard because everyone was so focused on their own children or already had a group of friends. I needed something that was my own and when ds was younger and ex-dh's work schedule was crazy, I joined a writing group from the Nanowrimo site. We started meeting informally after Nanowrimo and it was my time. 

 

At other times, I resigned myself to not having real friends because of certain seasons of my life. It was hard. 

[Hobbes]

We mostly make friends at church. If work made Sundays more spotty, I go to the women's Bible study on Wednesday nights. If I wasn't wanting to be involved in a church, I'd probably volunteer somewhere, since I've found that working beside people makes great connections.

 

ETA: just noticed you said evening groups don't work. That's a hard scenario.

Edited January 12, 2017 by indigoellen@gmail.com

[Guest]

That's tough. I'm trying to think.....what about dh's friends' wives? Any candidates there? That's how I came to have one really dear friend. The rest are all carry overs from work or even before that to school. I've met some other moms since and we chat, but still haven't crossed the boundary to what I would consider "friend", so I get you there. It's hard sometimes. Especially where you're at that it's hard to get out. What about your kids' activities? Anyone there to chat with?

[Spryte]

Have you checked for any meet up groups in your area?  

[Rachel]

I would just go. I have friends in my area but we have different interests. I've volunteered at 5ks, gone on guided hiking trips, and attended book clubs all without knowing soul. I would much prefer going with someone I know, but not knowing anyone isn't horrible.

 

I know most of my friends through church or they are previous coworkers. Two of my friends I've met most recently are homeschool moms I met at the library.

[Guest]

Most of my friends now are either other homeschoolers from my co-op, or friends I retained from a Mom's community group I joined when my oldest was three. When I was in the Mom's group, I was in a playgroup and one lady formed a Bunco group; I have remained in that Bunco group for all these years. Other friends have cycled in or out, but the core group of ladies still remain and are my friends.

 

I sympathize with your problem, though, because it takes me a long time to "seal" a friendship. It is only because I have been in one place for a long time that I have a wide base of friends and some very good, close friends within that base.

 

In my church, there is a ministry segment for families with Special Needs children, but I realize it is only by being a large church in a populated area that makes this possible.

[Catwoman]

There is a jazz band playing Friday night at the bar/restaurant I do marketing for. I really want to go. DH hates anything like that, and I don't want to go alone. I realized I don't have anyone to even ask to go with me.

 

There are only two other females in my company, and neither are really friend material for various reasons. I am polite but that's all. We are Christians, but work Sundays so don't attend church. DS6 cannot be left with babysitters due to autistic behaviors, so that eliminates any evening groups such as MOPS. DH works 70 hours a week and, frankly, the nights we are home together he is preoccupied with his hobbies(tonight he's at the firehouse; I haven't seen another adult in 48 hours). My kids' schoo doesn't really have anything for parents. I live in a super small town where things are just plainly limited and people have been friends for decades. I was homeschooled after moving here at 14, and we didn't do any activities in this town, so I didn't get to meet and make friends with the locals.

 

This isn't really a JAWM. I need to get out and meet people; I just can't think of how.

Why does your dh get to spend all of his free time on his hobbies and interests?

 

I'm not being snarky; I'm honestly wondering why you can't ask him to give you one night of the week (or an afternoon or a few hours here and there...) so you can get out and meet some new people. It's impossible to make new friends if you can never leave your house to join a club or attend a church or civic function, or even invite a neighbor to start walking with you around the neighborhood.

 

You need a bit of time for yourself!

[Guest]

I would just go. I have friends in my area but we have different interests. I've volunteered at 5ks, gone on guided hiking trips, and attended book clubs all without knowing soul. I would much prefer going with someone I know, but not knowing anyone isn't horrible.

 

I know most of my friends through church or they are previous coworkers. Two of my friends I've met most recently are homeschool moms I met at the library.

I agree with this. When I did join the Mom's club, I did not know a soul. When I first joined our homeschool co-op, I did not know a soul. I have tried other activities that didn't stick, but I tried them not knowing a soul. So it can be done, even by a quieter, introverted type. Honestly, the gregarious people often folded me into their group and that was how I made friends starting from scratch.

[SparklyUnicorn]

catwoman...catwoman liked that.....

 

CATWOMAN?!  Are you here?

 

 

[Catwoman]

catwoman...catwoman liked that.....

 

CATWOMAN?! Are you here?

I'm here! :) I guess I should have posted an update or something, but there have been so many more important threads on the forum lately and I didn't want to distract anyone from them.

[Rachel]

I agree with this. When I did join the Mom's club, I did not know a soul. When I first joined our homeschool co-op, I did not know a soul. I have tried other activities that didn't stick, but I tried them not knowing a soul. So it can be done, even by a quieter, introverted type. Honestly, the gregarious people often folded me into their group and that was how I made friends starting from scratch.

I'm definitely a quiet introverted type so going alone means having to talk myself into it every single time, but I've never regretted going.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Most of my friends are either people I've sung with, people I've volunteered with, or people who are the parents of my kids' friends.  The best way I make friends is by working side-by-side with them for a time, allowing casual conversation and maybe a chance to meet for a snack or meal afterward.  

[Alicia64]

. . . and I love jazz and my dh wouldn't want to go either.

 

Hi Catwoman! Love seeing you back!

 

Alley

[Selkie]

I'm in the same boat. 

Me too!

[BooksandBoys]

We move a lot, so I'm always in the business of making friends. Because a couple of my children are not NT, we don't use sitters, so I understand that, and, until a year ago, my DH refused to be left with the children. That made the friendship thing extra tricky.

 

So, given that scenario, to make friends, I invite women (and their children) to my home and to meet at the park. I guess the first step, though, is to meet then. To do that, I talk to people at the park, I talk to my neighbors, I meet my husband's coworkers, I chat at school pick up and at homeschool co-op. It's exhausting because I'm an introvert, but not having a social outlet quickly becomes worse than having to talk to strangers. :-)

 

Anyway, I am very generous with my invitations to play together because I've learned that the best way to make friends is to cast a wide net. Often only one or two of the many women I try to befriend will end up working out long term because of differences in parenting styles, schedules, or just plain personality (ours or the childrens'). Now that my DH will keep the kids so I can have time for myself, I've gotten to experiment with how to transition from a play date friend to a grown up friend. Essentially, after a few successful park days/backyard play dates, I'll have some idea of what she likes to do and I'll invite her to do one of those things together. One of my new friends here invited me to a local musical play. It was a perfect first kid free outing for us. I invited another new friend of mine to go to our neighborhood book club wth me the first time I attended. I chatted with a woman at a group play date and we ended up planning to walk together that week because we found we both liked exercise and we lived near each other (our kids aren't really compatible ages).

 

It is definitely harder to make friends in established communities because people don't NEED more friends. I've lived in both established and more transient areas. We always end up with more friends and more quickly in the transient areas. But even in small, close-knit towns, you can make friends if you do the inviting. Eventually, you'll find someone. And, yes, see if you can get a night to yourself. Your DH should share the hobby time. :-)

[Anne in CA]

For years I worked odd hours and home schooled and didn't make new friends. I had to rely on old ones, lol. I did have friends from work, but they were not people with similar interests.  Now that we have the restaurant I meet so many people, it's so great. I always have ladies to do things with. That is the social upside of owning the restaurant. Since I am the boss I get to talk to people and make friends while I work, lol. I made friends at the Modern Quilt Guild when I belonged. So fun. I would suggest taking up a hobby you always wanted to and meeting people that way. Quilting is an expensive hobby but water color painting isn't. I bought all the stuff to water color with for less than two hundred dollars and it lasted YEARS and I had four great ladies I painted with every week in the summer. We had LOADS of fun. 

[Carrie12345]

 

r because I've learned that the best way to make friends is to cast a wide net. 

 

Yup!

 

Look, I'm not a people person.  I could happily spend my entire life at home, in my jammies, puttering around.  And I still do that more often than anything else.  But I pushed myself to cast many wide nets.  They brought back a small number of awesome people, and even more that are better than just tolerable.  ;)

 

Involvement with the fire department has been a lot of fun.  It's been more family-to-family for us than personal friendships for me, but that's nice, too!

[Bluegoat]

At the moment a lot of mt friends are from church - it takes me a long time to develop a friendship so I need to find places I go to regularly.

 

For me, in your situation I would really be sitting down with dh to work out a way to get out.  If I wasn't a church-goer, there are quite a few other things I'd like to do where I might meet people, but any way you slice it, it takes time.  Anything I've done with kids, even if I met people who ad the potential for friendship and who I became friendly with, it really required some non-kid time to connect as adults.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

Anyway, I am very generous with my invitations to play together because I've learned that the best way to make friends is to cast a wide net.

It is definitely harder to make friends in established communities because people don't NEED more friends.

 

Yes, agreeing with these two parts of the post (edits are mine).  Wide net, and time.

 

 

I still struggle.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think another difficulty is just finding the time and energy to nurture friendships.  You know, maybe I'd like people to hang out with once in awhile, but I'm not one who likes calling regularly on the phone and stuff like that.

 

I once met someone locally on-line and that was perfect.  She turned out to be nuts (even nuttier than me).  So that didn't last, but it was good while it lasted.

 

 

[MistyMountain]

I have the same issue. I really would like some friends but it is hard to find the time now that my kids are in school to even try to make them.

[Lady Florida.]

This won't help you now, but all of my friends came from our homeschool group. I have a few old friends I keep up with and see occasionally but my current friends I socialize with are/were homeschoolers. The friendships were developed over time. We would find ourselves repeatedly at the same hs activities. One mom started a book club that I joined. Another started game nights. Out of the large group of homeschoolers we formed small groups of casual friends, and out of those small groups I formed a few close friendships. Most of our kids are older, and many are finished homeschooling but our friendships have held up. 

[heartlikealion]

I was happy to note a Catwoman spotting on the boards the other day :)

 

OP, since when does MOPS meet at night? Isn't that the pre-school group??

 

I guess you could just go alone, assuming you feel safe and could leave early without a problem (like is there an expensive cover fee, etc.) if you were uncomfortable being there alone.

 

I wonder if you could chaperone a school event and meet another parent that way?? Or some other school volunteer event (bake sale?). It is hard. I live in a small town, too and I don't know that many parents my age.

 

(question... if your dh did want to attend with you who would watch your dc? I am a bit confused).

Edited January 12, 2017 by heartlikealion

[HeWillSoar]

My friends are mainly from my small Bible study group and I have a couple of old friends from a mom's club when my kids were little. My problem is that I would like some homeschool friends since everyone else I know goes to work. I would like someone to have a cup of coffee with and chat (or vent) at the end of a school day. There are some different homeschool groups but getting the kids on board is the challenge. Since they are older, you can't just drag them around to places like when when they were little.

 

MedicMom, can you find a church that has service on a different evening (some have a Wednesday night or a Saturday night service) or set aside some time to join a women's Bible study in the evening? I love going out and would love to go to a jazz show! Too bad you couldn't just send out a group invite to all of us here!

[Peaceful Isle]

I only have a few close friends , but have many friends from my church.

 

My bf I met at church and ended up being neighbors for a while. Other friends are met at church related functions and activities.

Wow, I honestly wouldn't have any friends without going to church.

 

I have never found coops or sports events, to bring on friends.

[SKL]

My friends are:

• Work friends / business partners going back decades.  The ones I see regularly are workaholics (and think I should be too).  :/
• Siblings (none of whom live close enough to hang out much).
• Old school friends, but we hardly ever see each other.
• Some folks I meet at my kids' activities, but we don't have the kind of relationship to ditch the kids and go somewhere fun for us, at least not yet.

I would just go by myself.  Assuming I could get away from work at all.  (See bullet 1.)

[poppy]

I love going to shows alone. As long as it's not dancing music . It's like sitting down with a good book.

[happypamama]

DH has been known to go to movies or concerts on his own, and since you're familiar with the venue already, I vote you go, have a drink, and enjoy the show. Maybe you'll meet another Mom type of person there.

 

I met friends through our Homeschool support group. Over time, I got to be pretty close with a handful of them. I also joined a local babywearing group when we moved here, and I met two close friends through that.

 

Do you have any hobbies or interests that would have meetings, like a knitting group or anything like that? Take a class, maybe, for something you've always wanted to learn? Or take your LO to library storytime or a Mom and me class?