Help me figure out my life...subtitled: I want a gardener and housekeeper

[fairfarmhand]

We've taken 10 days off of school. I was hoping for a nice time, enjoying my kids and dh, reading and maybe having some hobby time.

 

I've been crazy busy each and every day.

 

This time does not include commitments that were suspended for the holidays. So no Trail Life/AHG. No handbell choir, no drama class. We did have holiday stuff. We did have 2 viruses run through the house. But really, as far as leaving the house it wasn't that bad.

 

I'm frustrated. Even without school Even without extracurricular, things are just busier than I like. This means that when these things DO come back, I'll go back to being overwhelmed, messy house, and frustrated with my life.

 

I need suggestions.

 

What I really want is a gardener and housekeeper. My dh wants someone who will help with the outside work and I want someone to come in, clean and wash my dishes. Bonus points for someone to help process garden produce in the summer and pull weeks in my flower beds.

 

But, I don't know how on earth we'd make that work.

 

So brainstorm with me.

 

Here's my week in a nutshell. Ask questions if you need more information:

 

FRT: We have a farm, I work as a church secretary, dh works too much...50-60 hour weeks are not out of the ordinary. I have a college aged dd who, when class is in session, may or may not be available in the evenings for help, depending on homework. During the day, she does work study, classes, and works part time, so she's not able to help very much reliably, other than taking care of her own stuff. In the past, she drove my kids places which was a HUGE help, but losing her as a driver has really messed up stuff. Four kids-- 19 yo dd, 15 yo. dd, 11 yo dd, 9 yo dd

 

Sunday: Church morning and evening. Nonnegotiable.

 

Mondays: Usually home all day. Kids complain because they typically don't see friends from Saturday to Wednesday. They'd love to get together with friends on this afternoon, but I just can't do that unless the kids come here and even at that, I don't want to leave the house to help pick up and drop off.

 

Tuesdays: Starting next week, dd2 (15yo) will start guitar lessons at 2 pm. This takes place 20 minutes from home, in the little town where most of my errands, bills, and library are located. Not to much of a hassle because she can have lesson while we library and shop. Tuesday evenings: Trail life for ds (9 yo) and AHG for dd3 (11). This happens at my church at 6 p.m. (20 minutes away)  I go with them and work on church work.

 

Wednesday: Drama class that I teach from 1-4 ish. This takes place in a town 40 minutes away. I LOVE this group. They make me so happy. It's a ton of work, but I really enjoy it. Evening  Bible study for me at 7 (20 minutes from home), AWANA for the little kids, Youth Group for the teens. Nonnegotiable because I'm the Bible study leader. I enjoy it. The Bible study doesnt take much day to day time. Mostly its just leading the group in prayer since we use a DVD based study. But I do have to be there.

 

Thursdays: Home except for handbells at 1 p.m, 25 minutes from home. This is one big hangup for me. Last year when my oldest was driving, she drove and I stayed home and cleaned! It made a big difference to have this afternoon available to clean. I'd also go to the church and finish the church work after the kids returned from handbells. Nowadays, I go, taking the 2 hours out of the day (driving plus class time) and then drop them off. I go back to my church to finish up my work there for the week.

 

Fridays: Often have friend time. We'll go to others' houses or others will come here. We also have a homeschool gathering that I run twice a month, an informal teen get together at my church. The kids love it, the moms love it. I'm thinking of dropping it back to once a month because my life is so crazy.

 

Saturday: Trying to catch up on errands, groceries and cleaning. Also farm chores.

 

 

Day to day:

 

I'm up at 6:30 and read my Bible for 45 minutes or so. Then I work on getting my dh out the door. I dislike going to the barn before he's up because he may leave while I'm outside and I don't see him again till 7 pm. Sometimes, he doesn't get up when I expect him to and I putter around. Sometimes it's productive (see below) sometimes it's not. He's not a very scheduled person, he hates mornings and schedules, so I never know when he'll be up and out. Also, I can't do laundry before he's awake because the washer and dryer back up to the wall behind my headboard. The noise is quite loud. Also, we have limited hot water and I can't do that before he showers. Generally, he's up around 7-7:30 and out the door by 8. Unless he gets distracted by something else.

 

Maybe I need to talk to him about his odd schedule's limiting what I can get done each morning?

 

I milk a cow every morning. This takes 35-40 minutes before school. I put in laundry and unload the dishwasher each morning before I go out. These chores sometimes put me behind getting out to milk and then its 9:45 before school is started. I'm thinking that they need to be assigned to a kid first thing in the morning? But sometimes the kids are still asleep...Maybe I need to get them up to do this before I go out to milk?

 

School with my two youngest from when I get in from milking till around lunch time. These aren't the type of kids who are self starters or have the ability to stay on task with out constant monitoring.

 

After lunch we'll finish up school stuff and usually go out for afternoon activities as noted above.

 

More information:

 

I don't have assigned chores for kids. They are usually pretty good about doing whatever I assign them at the moment, although not at a level that I can just assume they did a good job. I have to go back every time and check everything. Generally with farm chores, if I have to go check if the chickens are fed and watered and the pigs are fed and watered, I often feel that I may as well do it myself, because it takes the same amount of time!

 

I am terrible at charts and stickers things.

 

My youngest is a complainer and acts like I'm the meanest mom in the world to ask him to do anything more than play games or read books. I NEVER give in to complaining, but it does take extra emotional effort to make him do what he's supposed to do. That makes me tired and irritable.

 

My 15 yo really would love more time with her friends, as would my 11 yo, But I have no idea how to make that happen. We're often in a messy disorganized house and it overwhelms me. I don't have as many free afternoons to make friend time a priority.

 

I"m very particular about stuff. I get sighs and eye rolls when I call people back to redo chores. The irritation I feel keeps me from calling people back to properly redo things. I know this is my problem, but I don't know what to do about it.

 

My kids rooms are disasters, particularly the one that my 11 yo and my 9 yo share. They have 5 million tiny piece toys and I walk in there and instantly get overwhelmed and irritated. It's better that I don't go in there. I know that I need to get rid of some stuff in there, but just getting through each day takes so much energy that it's easy to put that off. I could or should sort out the toys and store some things, rotating the stuff, but that means that I'll have to buy storage containers and figure out what I need. It's easier to ignore it.

 

Things about me:

 

I get overwhelmed easily.

 

A messy cluttered house stresses me.

 

I hate conflict. HATE HATE HATE it.

 

I get behind on grading papers easily.

 

My kids tend to quietly slip away when we're working (on school or chores) and then they're gone.

 

I'm really bad about knowing what needs to be done in the moment. So my kids can ask to play computer, and I'll give them a chore or two to complete before they go play. But it's not the most important things that need to be done. If I thought it over more carefully, I could systematically list them. But I'm terrible at that stuff in the moment.

 

So, if you read all that.

 

Help me figure this out.

 

1. I need to every day have the house reasonably tidy. (not a perfectionist by any means, but constant clutter makes me batty)

 

2. Get school done every day including grading papers.

 

3. Get the kids to their activities.And get my church work done.

 

4. Get the farm chores done.

 

5. Feed us all.

 

Most things are getting done, but very poorly. And by the end of the day, I'm tired, frustrated, and irritable about all the stuff that's still undone, I never feel that I can sit on the couch at days end and enjoy a movie or game. I'm always running around cleaning the kitchen or folding clothes or something.

 

 

(dh and I were talking this morning about we wished we could hire a couple to live in a cottage on the farm. She could help me with cleaning and he could help dh with his farm work and the outdoor stuff that we get behind on.)

[Mergath]

It seems to me that you need to make better use of your built-in labor force. ;) I would tell the kids, "Look, until I get more help around here on a consistent basis, I'm just not going to have much time to drive you around."

 

This is how it works with my 8yo. She understands that I'm not going to force her and beg her to help out around here, but if she doesn't I'm just not going to have time to do stuff like bring her to the park and play board games with her and so on.

[regentrude]

You have a lot on your plate. From what you wrote, I can see a few small things that might help:

if you get done milking for school to start at 9:45, then yes, absolutely wake the kids. They can get up at seven and do the in house chores. They can do dishwasher/laundry while you milk. If laundry in the morning is a problem because of DH sleeping, start laundry as soon as you start school. The kids can fold laundry; there is no need you have to.

 

The other thing that strikes me as a time sink is handbell. I would never enter a commitment in the middle of the day, let alone one that involves a significant drive, because it fragments the day and effectively means you only have a morning to do stuff. If your school day doesn't start until 9:45, that is hardly worth it.

I would aim to move the school start to 8am and reevaluate any daytime commitments.

 

Everybody can help with chores. If they want company (which I understand), have them help get the house company ready.

 

I do not know what you mean by "Then I work on getting my dh out the door.". Your DH is an adult who can get himself out the door just fine. Do you mean you make breakfast and sit and eat with him? I do that, too. You could even alter the family routine so that everybody gets up and has breakfast together.

If your DH does not live by a schedule, that does not mean you can't. You can have breakfast ready at 7:30am for example. If no schedule does not work for you, have one - he can choose to synchronize, or do his own thing.

 

ETA: Prioritize. Let the kids' rooms be messy; they have doors that can be shut. They can be in charge - as long as they are not allowed food in there and have to take shoes off in the house, it's just mess, but no gross dirt.

Edited December 28, 2016 by regentrude

[fairfarmhand]

You have a lot on your plate. From what you wrote, I can see a few small things that might help:

if you get done milking for school to start at 9:45, then yes, absolutely wake the kids. They can get up at seven and do the in house chores. They can do dishwasher/laundry while you milk. If laundry in the morning is a problem because of DH sleeping, start laundry as soon as you start school. The kids can fold laundry; there is no need you have to.

 

The other thing that strikes me as a time sink is handbell. I would never enter a commitment in the middle of the day, let alone one that involves a significant drive, because it fragments the day and effectively means you only have a morning to do stuff. If your school day doesn't start until 9:45, that is hardly worth it.

I would aim to move the school start to 8am and reevaluate any daytime commitments.

 

Everybody can help with chores. If they want company (which I understand), have them help get the house company ready.

 

I do not know what you mean by "Then I work on getting my dh out the door.". Your DH is an adult who can get himself out the door just fine. Do you mean you make breakfast and sit and eat with him? I do that, too. You could even alter the family routine so that everybody gets up and has breakfast together.

If your DH does not live by a schedule, that does not mean you can't. You can have breakfast ready at 7:30am for example. If no schedule does not work for you, have one - he can choose to synchronize, or do his own thing.

 

ETA: Prioritize. Let the kids' rooms be messy; they have doors that can be shut. They can be in charge - as long as they are not allowed food in there and have to take shoes off in the house, it's just mess, but no gross dirt.

This basically means I talk to him while he showers, we check in with one another about what the day will entail, I make sure that there are clean socks, washcloths, etc. (inevitably, something is not where it needs to be, I'm usually behind on getting laundry put away. )

 

Hnadbell is committed for next semester, but I am giving serious thought to not doing it next year unless I can find someone to drive my kids. Usually, I can get school started a little earlier on handbell day, but dang, it's hard. Maybe I can pay another homeschool teen to drive? Hmmm...There's a thought.

[mamaraby]

The only way that I can get stuff done is by a) delegating some of the around the house tasks to my kids and b) accepting that the quality is less than if I did it myself. It's not that my kids do a terrible job, it's just that there's a difference in definitions of what "clean" means. In accepting slightly less than when it comes to how my kids do their jobs, it cuts down on the number of times a month that I feel like I'm going to lose it because the clutter/mess is driving me batty. Now, we're not talking filth here, but just the sort of way a house looks when it's probably too small and filled with a family of 5 plus two cats and a Golden Retriever. The other thing about having the kids help out is that as time has gone on, my kids have improved in their ability to clean closer to mom standard. Yes, I do sometimes point things out, but I try not to get too nitpicky. Some of that stuff just got better as they had more practice and as they got older.

 

My kids don't always think doing stuff like that is super duper fun. For the longest time I did most everything myself. Dh works upwards of 60 hours a week (and it can vary wildly) so while he would help out if he was home, he's not. Sometimes he can do more, but other times it all falls to me. In one of my most difficult moments, dh decided that the kids needed to do more. He instituted it and he's the heavy. I tend to lean on him when the kids get whiney and he'll get them back on track when he has a moment. Then I can just shrug and say "Dad told you to, best get going." Maybe that's taking the easy way out? It sure helps, though. The way I see it, I get to be the one who tells them to do all the other less than pleasant things in life so it's nice when dh can share in the fun! :p

 

When it comes to grading papers, I have a basket the kids stick their completed work in and I do my best to check and grade what's in there several times throughout the school day. This does not mean that I don't put off some things or grade Friday's work on Sunday night, but it does help keep the work load to a more manageable level.

[fairfarmhand]

The only way that I can get stuff done is by a) delegating some of the around the house tasks to my kids and b) accepting that the quality is less than if I did it myself. It's not that my kids do a terrible job, it's just that there's a difference in definitions of what "clean" means. In accepting slightly less than when it comes to how my kids do their jobs, it cuts down on the number of times a month that I feel like I'm going to lose it because the clutter/mess is driving me batty. Now, we're not talking filth here, but just the sort of way a house looks when it's probably too small and filled with a family of 5 plus two cats and a Golden Retriever. The other thing about having the kids help out is that as time has gone on, my kids have improved in their ability to clean closer to mom standard. Yes, I do sometimes point things out, but I try not to get too nitpicky. Some of that stuff just got better as they had more practice and as they got older.

 

My kids don't always think doing stuff like that is super duper fun. For the longest time I did most everything myself. Dh works upwards of 60 hours a week (and it can vary wildly) so while he would help out if he was home, he's not. Sometimes he can do more, but other times it all falls to me. In one of my most difficult moments, dh decided that the kids needed to do more. He instituted it and he's the heavy. I tend to lean on him when the kids get whiney and he'll get them back on track when he has a moment. Then I can just shrug and say "Dad told you to, best get going." Maybe that's taking the easy way out? It sure helps, though. The way I see it, I get to be the one who tells them to do all the other less than pleasant things in life so it's nice when dh can share in the fun! :p

 

When it comes to grading papers, I have a basket the kids stick their completed work in and I do my best to check and grade what's in there several times throughout the school day. This does not mean that I don't put off some things or grade Friday's work on Sunday night, but it does help keep the work load to a more manageable level.

 

I laughed out loud at the bolded. Yeah. My son, the dramatic one, made a big deal about cleaning the pee that HE LEFT on the toilet. "It's SO disgusting!" And I'm like, "and you think I love it? Don't you think that I think it's disgusting?"

[AK_Mom4]

So.... between you and your DH, you have:

 

two full time jobs out of the home (his "too-many" hours + your part-time).

one full time job - a functioning farm including cows and chores that are time-sensitive

one full time job Home Educating 3 kids (15,11,9) with an activity schedule that means being home only one day a week (Monday) and out of the house half-days at least on every other day.

 

Four full time jobs.  Two adults.  You were making it work (sort of) when the college kid was home because she took some of the driving load off your plate, but she's too busy with her own stuff now.

 

So - yeah - you are right on track with wanting a farm hand and a housekeeper.  The numbers are pretty clear there.  Or you need to reduce the number of hours you are spending on some of these "jobs" to make it all work.

 

Ideas - the best would be to hire help.  But if you are working part-time, I can understand that $$$ may be too tight.  I still think it would be a win-win to have some one who came in 20 hours a week to help in the house and the farm a bit.

 

Next best - free some of your hours.  Give up the part-time church secretary job and maybe look at reducing your week day commitments to free up a total of 20 hours.  That would get you down to just 3.5 jobs for two adults, which is probably manageable again for a while.  

 

I always did the "if you want to visit friends or have them come here, then you need to help clean" thing with my kids.  It was very successful as they got older.  I think that's something to put out there since all three of your are old enough to contribute.

[Guest]

I agree with regentrude that the handbells seem to be the worst payoff for the time investment. Personally, I would drop that, unless it could be scheduled at a better time or in a more convenient way.

 

I also wonder what you mean by getting DH out the door. I do also spend time with my DH in the morning because it does bother me if he leaves for work and I don't see him until night. However, I wouldn't diddle around killing time because I never know when he's rolling out. I would either go do the milking first thing and have a cup of tea afterwards or ask him the night before what he intends to do the next morning or something.

 

I do think it would be best to enlist the help of the kids in a more definite fashion. Make in Janey's job to set her alarm and start the laundry at 7:30 and Julie's job to go feed the chickens (or whatever). I understand what you're saying about wanting things done well and being perfectionistic, because I am like this (big time), but I grit through it because my kids MUST learn that we all help.

 

Sidebar: all three of my kids have had rotating dinner clean up jobs since they were barely old enough to throw the napkins in the hamper. I have endured a ridiculously large amount of re-doing the pans in the morning or re-cleaning the countertops because they stink at it for a long time before they do it well. But I stuck to this idea that they need to learn to all contribute and it needs to be such a constant fact in their lives that they know there's no point whining about it. I am so very glad I fid this because they are always conscious of the fact that the kitchen has to be cleaned up after meals; it is automatic to them now. They even do it when they have friends over.

 

The kids must learn to keep their room somewhere on the tidier side of bombed out destruction zone. I don't do stickers or charts, either, but I would say, "make your bed...put your clothes away...put your toys in the bin" just the same as I endlessly tell them to brush their teeth, comb their hair, put their shoes in the closet, hang up their coats, etc. Eventually, I said it less often and then the olders needed no instruction.

 

I personally don't go to great lengths to entertain friends often. I am a homebody and that's that. My youngest is an extrovert and would happily play with friends every minute of every day, but it's not happening and he can do that when he goes to college. ;) I look to our co-op as our main time with friends, plus a trampoline park activity we do most every week for DS12. Yes, he would like it if he had friends over every afternoon but just because a particular kid might like to do something, doesn't mean he/she must. It has always helped me if I have some regularly-scheduled social activity, as the trampoline park thing is for us currently; that way, the kid(s) know that this reliable activity will come and they will see their friends then. If it were just a sporadic request every week or two, I would feel more torn because I wasn't planning this and now I'm annoyed that my day is taken up with friend playdates.

[mamaraby]

I laughed out loud at the bolded. Yeah. My son, the dramatic one, made a big deal about cleaning the pee that HE LEFT on the toilet. "It's SO disgusting!" And I'm like, "and you think I love it? Don't you think that I think it's disgusting?"

Dh's rule for ds was if he did stuff like that he had to sit down. He got the message. One of ds' job is also toilet cleaning so it probably helped.

[Guest]

Hnadbell is committed for next semester, but I am giving serious thought to not doing it next year unless I can find someone to drive my kids. Usually, I can get school started a little earlier on handbell day, but dang, it's hard. Maybe I can pay another homeschool teen to drive? Hmmm...There's a thought.

 

I wouldn't do this. I don't want inexperienced drivers driving my kids anywhere. In my state, this isn't even legal for the first six months (? I think?) of getting a driver's license.

 

I was going to suggest a carpool with another handbells mom, though.

 

eTA: fixed tag

Edited December 28, 2016 by Quill

[regentrude]

I make sure that there are clean socks, washcloths, etc. (inevitably, something is not where it needs to be, I'm usually behind on getting laundry put away. )

 

Can't he take care of this himself? If not in the morning, perhaps the night before?

Honestly, a grown man should not need another person to find him clean socks.

[NorthwestMom]

The best solution for everyone would be if every member of your family (except you) took responsibility for 1-2 chores per day.  Allowing people to under-function does not help them in life at all. All of your kids are old enough to do more.  I'm not sure how much your DH does around the farm but could he possibly do more as well?

[Carol in Cal.]

I would give up handbells unless someone else will drive, and insist on moving the guitar lesson to later in the day, maybe even after dinner.

I know that music and art teachers love to get homeschoolers to take the hours that they can't otherwise sell during the school day, but that time slot is impacting your kids' school work and that is not OK. 

 

I'd keep the stuff you love.  If you love fussing over your husband in the morning, by all means do it.  You don't want to take your relationship for granted, and if he enjoys your time together also, that is great.

 

I'd insist on the kids doing chores, including milking and cleaning, and I'd assign them specific ones plus I'd assign a picky one to be a 'checker' to make sure that they happen, that they are done correctly and on time, and to report back to you. 

 

Also, consider getting a much bigger hot water heater tank, or a tankless one.  And do you have some wash loads that are done in cold or cool water?  I always prioritize those for the morning, so they won't clash with our shower schedules.  You might also consider getting a bread machine.  And a chest freezer so you can put up produce, soups, cooked beans, spaghetti sauce, and the like.  That's a great way to save time at home.  Also, I would totally involve the kids in some of that prep work, or have them doing math in the kitchen, say, while I got other stuff done.

Edited December 28, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[Rosie_0801]

Could you get a WWOOFer?

[8circles]

Can't he take care of this himself? If not in the morning, perhaps the night before?

Honestly, a grown man should not need another person to find him clean socks.

 

Yes.  I'd also just tell him to I'd like him to find me every morning before he leaves so we can chat for 15 minutes or so.  You shouldn't be waiting around for him to wake up when you have things you could be doing instead.

 

Handbells - I would drop this ASAP, not wait until next year unless you'd be losing a significant amount of money.

[Lawana]

Quill has the right idea about absolute consistency of expectations. Little humans (and big ones too) are extremely masterful at figuring out that jobs done poorly might result in Mom just doing them herself. Win for them! Put the time in now, and in a few years, it may pay off!

[fairfarmhand]

The best solution for everyone would be if every member of your family (except you) took responsibility for 1-2 chores per day.  Allowing people to under-function does not help them in life at all. All of your kids are old enough to do more.  I'm not sure how much your DH does around the farm but could he possibly do more as well?

 

No. He's doing plenty, most of it outside. As it is, he's over tired and over stressed.

 

[fairfarmhand]

Could you get a WWOOFer?

 

I'm not sure what this is...

[MotherGoose]

I've never milked a cow, but is there a way to readthe Bible and milk the cow at the same time? Audio bible? I haven't read it all in detail but it jumped out at me that you are spending 1- 11/2 hours before school doing those things, both of which are valuable, plus all the other morning stuff.

Edited December 28, 2016 by MotherGoose

[Ausmumof3]

I laughed out loud at the bolded. Yeah. My son, the dramatic one, made a big deal about cleaning the pee that HE LEFT on the toilet. "It's SO disgusting!" And I'm like, "and you think I love it? Don't you think that I think it's disgusting?"

Hmm sounds like my ds last week "mum can you not just dump all my stuff near the door of my bedroom". Uh - that would be the stuff that you dumped from one end of the lounge room to the other! Thank your lucky stars I dumped it in your bedroom and not the bag for the op shop!

[regentrude]

I'm not sure what this is...

 

Worldwide opportunities on organic farms

http://wwoof.net/

 

(Mainly young) people traveling the world living and working on a volunteer basis on organic farms.

Edited December 28, 2016 by regentrude

[fairfarmhand]

Worldwide opportunities on organic farms

http://wwoof.net/

 

(Mainly young) people traveling the world living and working on a volunteer basis on organic farms.

 

Ahhh. How I wish we were organic! I was joking with my girls the other day that we need a Westley.."farm boy...fetch me this..."

 

[Soror]

My thoughts are in line with everyone else's-

1. Your kids are way too old not to be doing a good chunk of the chores

2. Drop the handbells ASAP

3. Take a bit of time each week to work on tackling decluttering the very worst areas of the house bit by bit. Honestly, your kids 9 and up can do their rooms as well, it may not be as well as you would like it but I'd bet it would reduce mess. It isn't that complicated. I tell mine when they can't keep their rooms decent- you decide whatever that standard is- then things need to be decluttered. Go through it one type of thing at a time or one area at a time- make a pile for keep, throw away(old, broken etc) and donate. It will probably take more than 1 x through.

 

I'd assign the kids dishwasher and laundry as of yesterday, splitting it up isn't that much at all. I'd have them do that while you milk the cow, or they could milk the cow if they know how and are inclined but you shouldn't be doing both the cow and the house chores. 

 

It sounds like you need to work on letting go of your standards in some areas and holding firm in others, I think that is a matter of practice. Keep repeating, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I have 4 kids as well, 12, 9, 7 and 4- they take care of dishes, bathrooms, trash and their own bedrooms. I'm not big on sticker charts or anything complicated, really that is just one more thing to keep track of, my thought is to use the easiest system that works. We've done it before on monthly rotations, then weekly rotations currently I think it is every 2 days for dishwasher and trash, they keep track of it, not perfectly mind you but well enough I don't stress about it. I generally start the laundry but I have trained them as well, so if I have the time I do it, otherwise they take care of it. For folding that is tv time, we put on a tv show or movie and dump the laundry on the rug. Everybody folds their own and puts it up when its done. Sometimes washing is done daily and folding at one time so we watch a movie, other times we might do a bit each day and just watch a short (23 min show). Sometimes one kid might do the whole load by themselves, sometimes the kids do it all together without me at all and sometimes I do it without them but generally it is family time.

 

Really I'm not working out of the house and don't have farm chores and my kids still do this stuff, it is to save my sanity and I think I don't make all the mess so I'm not doing all the cleaning.

 

My house is not perfect but it is fairly reasonably clean most of the time, clean enough I don't stress about casual company. On weeks we have breaks I'll do deep cleaning and decluttering stuff but when school is in session it is pretty much good enough. The kids do their chores, pitch in when needed elsewhere and they do not get electronic time until afternoon pick-up time is done(this is a really easy thing as I don't have to nag- when they know screen time is tied to things getting picked up they start on their own). I'm a ruthless declutter and have trained the kids. My older 2 can declutter on their own, my 9yo is great at it, ds 12 does better if I work with him but can keep it habitable enough(he is my AdHD kid- so he works better with things clean and organized but often needs help getting there- as an example we did deep clean during fall break he did his first pass on his own and then I went through everything with him- that is the only time I helped him the whole year).

Edited December 28, 2016 by soror

[Lecka]

I would try to start a sign-up for other parents to host the teen gatherings on Friday nights, or ask if it could be sponsored by a Sunday school class, or something like that.

 

I think other people might take some turns or it could be helped by someone at church.

 

It sounds like a very positive thing for your teens.

[8circles]

I would try to start a sign-up for other parents to host the teen gatherings on Friday nights, or ask if it could be sponsored by a Sunday school class, or something like that.

 

I think other people might take some turns or it could be helped by someone at church.

 

It sounds like a very positive thing for your teens.

 

Yes.  I think the handbells should go before this teen gathering.  That sounds much more important.

[Rosie_0801]

Ahhh. How I wish we were organic! I was joking with my girls the other day that we need a Westley.."farm boy...fetch me this..."

 

 

You don't need to be certified organic. But there are other similar organisations with wider scope, but I don't remember the name. My aunt had a French girl who'd done a placement doing household chores for a lady on dialysis before she came to water veggies and play with my kids at my aunt's.

[Scarlett]

You have a cottage on your land?  I would look around for a young couple that might be interested in trading rent for helping you and your dh X number of hours per week.  

 

You are definitely overworked.  That schedule will kill you.

[KungFuPanda]

Ugh. Too complicated. Why don't you get a generic lawn service and generic maid service then reevaluate after you've done it a while. They may take up enough slack that the rest is manageable. Also, drop SOMETHING. Sure, everything had it's merits, but if you're left with zero time to breathe or process than you're not living a quality life.

[wintermom]

It sounds like there are too many things going on at once. Is the farm paying its way? If not, is it sucking the life out of your family? Is it time to cut back on that time suck? Cut out or cut way back on animals? Or choose the farm but cut out the part-time job. You can't do it all at the same time and do it all well. If you and your dh aren't sick already, it's probably only a matter of time. This may not be your first option, but it sounds like something has to go. You can only squeeze so much stuff out of your days and your dc's days before exhaustion sets in.

[Xahm]

I think it would be well worth your time to do a big Clean of your kids rooms together. Help them purge things they don't need and don't have room for. My disaster area room was a huge source of stress for me and my folks growing up, but there was nothing I could really do since I had too much stuff and my parents wanted me to keep everything.

[busymama7]

You are missing the prime benefit of having a farm. It's not the milk (yum!). It's the work ethic for the kids. Honestly, I find it shocking that you have kids that old and you can't trust them to do the farm chores every morning and do them right.

 

My MiL was raised on a dairy and got up at 4 am to milk cows before school. This was of great benefit to her and I can still see the fruits of such discipline in her 70+ year old self.

 

You should NOT be doing all this yourself. Your kids would have greater long term benefit to cutting down to math and reading daily for a month to six weeks while they learn to pull their own weight. Quit coddling them. I'm serious. Of course you are overwhelmed. You are running your self ragged to things that you have perfectly capable people to do.

 

I say this gently, I really do. But this is not the way to raise responsible, capable kids with a strong work ethic. Teach them and expect it done right every single time.

 

Good luck to you. I have 9 kids. No farm but still too much work for one person. My kids who are old enough for employment (3 of them) have been loves bu every single employer because they have been taught to work and work hard. Don't let this opportunity go to waste.

[fairfarmhand]

Ok. I've been thinking things over and here's what I've come up with so far.

 

1. Get the kids up by 7 so they can do chores before school. They need lots more chores.

 

2. School need to start by 8-8:30.

 

3. Shift as many things as I can to begin at 2 pm rather than 1 so we aren't rushing through school.

 

4. I'm still mulling over handbells. It's because my dd11 really loves it and looks forward to it. This is her first year and she's really taken to it.

 

 

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[fairfarmhand]

Ok that posted before I was ready.

 

5. I need to write down chores for the day the night before.

 

6. Get my dh to block all fun sites through the dsl modem so there's less ability to sneak away. My oldest does online school so it's easier for her to slip into fun absorbing stuff when she's done rather than do chores. I'll assume she's still schooling and she's playing around instead.

 

7. Work on the drama and whining from my youngest. Suggestions? He's an intense personality and feels things hugely.

 

 

 

 

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[RioSamba]

You have a cottage on your land? I would look around for a young couple that might be interested in trading rent for helping you and your dh X number of hours per week.

 

You are definitely overworked. That schedule will kill you.

This was the first thing I thought of as well.

 

I agree with the children doing more and the schedule shifting. I would try not to take handbells away from youngest DD, but would definitely explore alternate transportation.

[KungFuPanda]

Have you thought of hiring an occasional driver? Do you have uber?

 

Also, I don't understand the hesitancy to wake a man who owns a FARM in the morning. I didn't know farmers HAD the option to sleep in once morning chores commenced. Is the rest of the family not on board with this farm thing? What is the point of the farm?

Edited December 29, 2016 by KungFuPanda

[Miss Mousie]

I agree with regentrude that the handbells seem to be the worst payoff for the time investment. Personally, I would drop that, unless it could be scheduled at a better time or in a more convenient way.

 

I also wonder what you mean by getting DH out the door. I do also spend time with my DH in the morning because it does bother me if he leaves for work and I don't see him until night. However, I wouldn't diddle around killing time because I never know when he's rolling out. I would either go do the milking first thing and have a cup of tea afterwards or ask him the night before what he intends to do the next morning or something.

 

I do think it would be best to enlist the help of the kids in a more definite fashion. Make in Janey's job to set her alarm and start the laundry at 7:30 and Julie's job to go feed the chickens (or whatever). I understand what you're saying about wanting things done well and being perfectionistic, because I am like this (big time), but I grit through it because my kids MUST learn that we all help.

 

Sidebar: all three of my kids have had rotating dinner clean up jobs since they were barely old enough to throw the napkins in the hamper. I have endured a ridiculously large amount of re-doing the pans in the morning or re-cleaning the countertops because they stink at it for a long time before they do it well. But I stuck to this idea that they need to learn to all contribute and it needs to be such a constant fact in their lives that they know there's no point whining about it. I am so very glad I fid this because they are always conscious of the fact that the kitchen has to be cleaned up after meals; it is automatic to them now. They even do it when they have friends over.

 

The kids must learn to keep their room somewhere on the tidier side of bombed out destruction zone. I don't do stickers or charts, either, but I would say, "make your bed...put your clothes away...put your toys in the bin" just the same as I endlessly tell them to brush their teeth, comb their hair, put their shoes in the closet, hang up their coats, etc. Eventually, I said it less often and then the olders needed no instruction.

 

I personally don't go to great lengths to entertain friends often. I am a homebody and that's that. My youngest is an extrovert and would happily play with friends every minute of every day, but it's not happening and he can do that when he goes to college. ;) I look to our co-op as our main time with friends, plus a trampoline park activity we do most every week for DS12. Yes, he would like it if he had friends over every afternoon but just because a particular kid might like to do something, doesn't mean he/she must. It has always helped me if I have some regularly-scheduled social activity, as the trampoline park thing is for us currently; that way, the kid(s) know that this reliable activity will come and they will see their friends then. If it were just a sporadic request every week or two, I would feel more torn because I wasn't planning this and now I'm annoyed that my day is taken up with friend playdates.

 

I haven't finished reading the whole thread yet, but Quill, thank you SO MUCH for the bolded!  DS and I are the same as you and your youngest, and the social stuff is hands-down the absolute worst for me.  I feel so guilty ... but even that isn't very motivating.  ;)  I have definitely told him it'll get good when he's in college!

[8circles]

Also, I don't understand the hesitancy to wake a man who owns a FARM in the morning. I didn't know farmers HAD the option to sleep in once morning chores commenced. Is the rest of the family not on board with this farm thing? What is the point of the farm?

Yeah, this was my thought as well. I don't think I understand what the OP's dh does for a living. Is he a farmer or something else?

[Miss Mousie]

Ok. I've been thinking things over and here's what I've come up with so far.

 

1. Get the kids up by 7 so they can do chores before school. They need lots more chores.

 

2. School need to start by 8-8:30.

 

3. Shift as many things as I can to begin at 2 pm rather than 1 so we aren't rushing through school.

 

4. I'm still mulling over handbells. It's because my dd11 really loves it and looks forward to it. This is her first year and she's really taken to it.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

 

Ok that posted before I was ready.

 

5. I need to write down chores for the day the night before.

 

6. Get my dh to block all fun sites through the dsl modem so there's less ability to sneak away. My oldest does online school so it's easier for her to slip into fun absorbing stuff when she's done rather than do chores. I'll assume she's still schooling and she's playing around instead.

 

7. Work on the drama and whining from my youngest. Suggestions? He's an intense personality and feels things hugely.

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Great plans! 

 

I would definitely look into having someone else host the second monthly teen group, and look into carpooling for handbells.

 

As for your youngest - is he as extreme with his siblings/father as he is with you?  I'm thinking maybe the 15 y.o. might get more cooperation with less drama.  I wouldn't want to start sibling resentment, but if he looks up to her or she can leverage something like "clean the toilet really well and I'll play one game of chess with you" or whatever, it might buy you just a smidgen of peace.  At least it's worth trying once in a while, maybe....

 

I also liked the suggestion upthread of telling the kids that if they want to see their friends on Mondays they'd better help with good work so everyone has time & energy for it.

[mamaraby]

As for your youngest - is he as extreme with his siblings/father as he is with you? I'm thinking maybe the 15 y.o. might get more cooperation with less drama. I wouldn't want to start sibling resentment, but if he looks up to her or she can leverage something like "clean the toilet really well and I'll play one game of chess with you" or whatever, it might buy you just a smidgen of peace. At least it's worth trying once in a while, maybe....

Maybe not siblings, but definitely with dad. Not that I say this because he's boy and the whole needs a man thing, but just because sometimes it's worth it to tag team this stuff regardless of gender. Hey, we're all going to help out because we all live here and need to share in the work. And if the other parent shares that point of view then they help set the tone and can help be the heavy so you're not always the focus of the unhappy child's ire.

 

Outside of that, don't engage. Time fo x. And yes, tie some of the fun stuff to the completion of chores. It's a decent natural consequence. If we all don't help out and mom's exhausted from picking up all the slack then, no, sorry, I don't feel like being the taxi/hostess today.

 

Maybe focus less on the chores thing and more on the "we all live here and we all have to share in the work of living here" thing. Your end goal is a capable and responsible adult. You don't want to send adults out into the world who can't clean their own house, wash their own clothes, or make their own food. It may not on the same level as higher order skills, but it's pretty darn close.

[KungFuPanda]

I just wanted to add that every kid doesn't do well with a checklist that can be set a slide for 'later'.' You may need a specific time of day where everyone is doing only chores for an hour and nobody can sneak off to a computer. It's amazing what several people can accomplish with one hour of work. Do it right before breakfast or lunch and their stomachs will motivate them to be efficient.

[Critterfixer]

I think your problem basically boils down to not enough hours in the day. I looked at your list of what you want to do to help sort out the chaos, and honestly, that seems like more work to me. Certainly it's a lot more on you, because teaching kids how to do chores is a lot of work. It's helpful, mind. But it's work, too. Work you have to supervise. That might be hard to do in the mornings (and I assume evenings) when you are out doing farm stuff.

 

What is working right now? You said stuff is getting done, just poorly. But you admit you have high standards for what you consider done, so what does poorly look like? That you are managing to get anything done with that kind of schedule is pretty incredible to me.

[fairfarmhand]

Have you thought of hiring an occasional driver? Do you have uber?

 

Also, I don't understand the hesitancy to wake a man who owns a FARM in the morning. I didn't know farmers HAD the option to sleep in once morning chores commenced. Is the rest of the family not on board with this farm thing? What is the point of the farm?

if he were a full time farmer there would be no issue. He works off farm 50-60 hours a week. And no he doesn't expect people to tiptoe around or find his socks, but for a man who's working so dang hard I do try to do those things for him as a gesture of appreciation.

 

The farm is typically enjoyable but we just have too much going on. In the last 2 years things have piled on a little at a time to really make stuff challenging. His off farm work hasn't always need like this. I used to have little kids who were home for naps every day and then They grew up and want to do fun stuff or do obnoxious things like go to college!!! [emoji13].

 

Talked to the kids today and they're interested in helping. Because they don't like grumpy mommy. [emoji16]

 

 

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[mamaraby]

Talked to the kids today and they're interested in helping. Because they don't like grumpy mommy.

Bwahahahaha....always an efficient motivator at my house. :D

[prairiewindmomma]

My thoughts are in alignment with the others. Also, you mention some high maintenance animals. Maybe switching up dairy cows for beef cows? Are the ladies putting forth enough eggs to make it worth your while?

 

Ultimately, though, I think your farm and cleaning work loads totally need to be redistributed back onto the kids.

[fairfarmhand]

I've never milked a cow, but is there a way to readthe Bible and milk the cow at the same time? Audio bible? I haven't read it all in detail but it jumped out at me that you are spending 1- 11/2 hours before school doing those things, both of which are valuable, plus all the other morning stuff.

 

Ha! i wish. I do pray while I am choring.

 

But we joke that the other animals yell till they get their breakfast. First thing, I milk the cow because it takes her a bit to finish her feed. By the time she's done eating and ready to be let back in the pen, I've finished up other chores. So while I'm milking there are beef cows bawling, sheep yelling, chickens squawking, and pigs oinking. Farms aren't really the quiet peaceful places that you might think!

 

And I use an electric milker that's rather loud. But it's a nice thought! :)

 

[fairfarmhand]

I've also decided that each morning I need to get my clothes laid out first thing before choring and do my contacts and makeup before I go to the barn. That way, after choring, I can get dressed and be ready to walk out the door right when it's time.