Something about death that really just bothers me...

[YaelAldrich]

And all of that would drive me nuts, because life is for the living - including showering, listening to music, and joyous occasions.

 

I'm more pragmatic when it comes to death and loss.

I hear you and understand your feelings on these customs, however you also see there are a good number of people who want to stop and mourn and they feel the world is just go,go,go and move on already.

 

Life is for the living and that is why Jewish custom and ritual encourage their community to surround the mourners while they process how to go on living when someone special to them has died.  A mourner is not going to be able to sequester themselves away and wallow in the pain of death in Judaism.  Others are there to be a sounding board about the dead, feed them, answer them when they pray.

[Teresa in MO]

About a week after my dh passed away suddenly in September I needed to go to Walmart to get food in the house and other necessary things.  As I was walking up to the store I burst into tears and had to go back and sit in the car for awhile.  It seemed so wrong to be doing something so normal when things were so not normal.

[Reefgazer]

Strange, that's a good word for it. My dad died this past summer, and I find it strange that life is just going on when he's not here . I mean, my common sense tells me life goes on, but it still seems strange to me in my head.

 

Okay well I guess more than one thing about death bothers me. I mean let's face it, it's not pleasant to think about. However, my daughter is going through this horrific loss (and it's really awful in general because when a young person dies, it's just terrible), and I post asking for prayers for her, but my next post is about what to cook with my beef tenderloin for Christmas dinner.

 

My mom died Good Friday morning, and that evening I was watching my grandchildren dye Easter eggs. We weren't able to bury her until the next Wednesday, so life was just progressing as normal and it was so very strange.

 

It bothers me tremendously how life just keeps moving, and even amongst the tragedy you have to deal with mundane, everyday crap.

 

I realize that's probably what keeps people sane, but it just seems so... wrong.

[fraidycat]

I hear you and understand your feelings on these customs, however you also see there are a good number of people who want to stop and mourn and they feel the world is just go,go,go and move on already.

 

Life is for the living and that is why Jewish custom and ritual encourage their community to surround the mourners while they process how to go on living when someone special to them has died. A mourner is not going to be able to sequester themselves away and wallow in the pain of death in Judaism. Others are there to be a sounding board about the dead, feed them, answer them when they pray.

But to not be allowed or strongly discouraged from attending joyous occasions for a year? If a person chooses to do so, that's fine, but what about those who feel they'd like to get on with all aspects of life but can't for fear of disappointing close family/friends or being shunned/punished in some way because they broke tradition?

 

Perhaps we should define a joyous occasion.

 

Maybe I'm way off base, but I'm thinking birthday parties, weddings, graduations, holidays, and other rights of passage. So something like: "Sorry Junior, we can't celebrate your birthday this year because Grandpa died 8 months ago and I'm not allowed to attend a happy occasion for another 3 months - hopefully next year, as long as Grandma holds on."

[YaelAldrich]

But to not be allowed or strongly discouraged from attending joyous occasions for a year? If a person chooses to do so, that's fine, but what about those who feel they'd like to get on with all aspects of life but can't for fear of disappointing close family/friends or being shunned/punished in some way because they broke tradition?

 

Perhaps we should define a joyous occasion.

 

Maybe I'm way off base, but I'm thinking birthday parties, weddings, graduations, holidays, and other rights of passage. So something like: "Sorry Junior, we can't celebrate your birthday this year because Grandpa died 8 months ago and I'm not allowed to attend a happy occasion for another 3 months - hopefully next year, as long as Grandma holds on."

According to Jewish law, I'm also not allowed to drive or use the phone on our Sabbath or eat pork or a cheeseburger or even wear linen and wool mixtures.  Yes, Judaism can be restrictive.   :laugh:   That's one of the reasons everyone is not called to be Jew.

 

I understand your point and wish you only smachot (happy occasions).

[SeaConquest]

But to not be allowed or strongly discouraged from attending joyous occasions for a year? If a person chooses to do so, that's fine, but what about those who feel they'd like to get on with all aspects of life but can't for fear of disappointing close family/friends or being shunned/punished in some way because they broke tradition?

 

Perhaps we should define a joyous occasion.

 

Maybe I'm way off base, but I'm thinking birthday parties, weddings, graduations, holidays, and other rights of passage. So something like: "Sorry Junior, we can't celebrate your birthday this year because Grandpa died 8 months ago and I'm not allowed to attend a happy occasion for another 3 months - hopefully next year, as long as Grandma holds on."

 

I would also point out that Yael is speaking of traditional (read: Orthodox) Jewish mourning rituals. More than 90% of Jews affiliate with other branches of Judaism, where halakha (Jewish law) and custom are interpreted much more broadly. Within the Reform world, which includes the vast majority of Jews in the U.S., Jews are encouraged to take on only those mitzvot (commandments) that are meaningful to them (e.g., I'll take the helpful shiva visitors, but still go on my cruise to the Bahamas in 9 months). So, you will find that, in reality, many Jews take what they need of Jewish law, and leave the rest. (I'm not commenting on whether that's a good thing, but there it is). 

[Pam in CT]

About a week after my dh passed away suddenly in September I needed to go to Walmart to get food in the house and other necessary things.  As I was walking up to the store I burst into tears and had to go back and sit in the car for awhile.  It seemed so wrong to be doing something so normal when things were so not normal.

 

 

Oh, honey.   :grouphug:

 

I can't "like" your post... Holding you in the light through the weeks ahead.

[bwdiaz]

I'm Jewish (not Orthodox) though we did most of the things Yael outlined in her post when my father died a few years ago. I did not avoid EVERY joyous occasion as a few happened spontaneously when I was already present, but both my daughters had fine birthdays that were much smaller family only affairs that were palpably different from before/after when I was mourning. And you know what? I didn't find it restrictive. I found it a relief. I found that when I explained I was still recovering from a loss that people understood and protected me. I look back on it now and feel a certain measure of peace about my grief.

 

That said, it wasn't all peaceful, though this really isn't about Judaism. No one else has mentioned it but I had huge fantasies about my father for a very long time after he died. Dreams too. Imaginary conversations where we'd resolve differences or appreciate one another. He and my mother did love one another but sometimes he confided to me that he felt she talked him out of doing some things in life that he wanted to do. Things like get a boat, or take a job in Hawaii and go live there, even have more kids. Those things came back to me and I'd find myself washing dishes and daydreaming he'd faked his death and was sitting in a beach somewhere.

 

I feel like thoughts like that are nuts but I had them.

[theelfqueen]

Mayim Bialik posted a bit about her grief journey and how Jewish grieving traditions were a part of it:

http://groknation.com/?s=grief

 

[TechWife]

Grief is strange. I keep thinking things like - my mom got her hair cut the week before she died - how can someone who has a new haircut die? Or, she went out to eat the afternoon before her brain hemorrhage - how could that happen? None of us had any idea she was going to die. How is that even possible? Why did we have to move my mothers belongings out of her new assisted living apartment one month to the day after we had moved her in? How is it she'll never wear her news shoes out? 

 

Now I'm left trying to figure out what it means to have a Christmas without parents (I lost both of them within 54 days of each other). Mostly I'm left wondering how I will make it through the day without my traditional holiday call - how can I have Christmas without talking to my mommy and daddy? I feel like such a baby. 

 

I started back to my volunteer job yesterday and worked yesterday and today. It was good, but strange. I avoided a couple of areas of the hospital that tend to have patients close to my parents' age, but my coworkers were very sympathetic and really struck a good balance between compassion and pressing onward with the business of the day. 

 

Our Christmas tree isn't up yet - I'd really like to get it up tomorrow and keep it up for a few weeks - the tree lights at night are one of the things I do so enjoy about the holiday, but it seems a little trivial to me. 

 

I'm working hard on just being present in the moment. 

[happi duck]

Many (hugs) to all who are mourning.

[bookbard]

I totally understand. Even now - 7 years on - I wonder how on earth we were able to turn away from the hole that my brother was buried in and get in the car and - leave him there, alone. I still think about that.

 

I would never request not to have a funeral, the time of planning his funeral was powerful and wonderful, full of memories, full of tears and laughter. I can imagine that's not the case for everyone though.

 

In terms of taking time to grieve, I was fortunate in that my workplace said I could quite literally have as much time off as I wanted - months, if I wanted. I took a month - most of us took about that time. I spent that time scrapbooking, making a huge scrapbook with stories all about him. That sort of 'grieving work' was powerful and necessary. This was before I had kids, so I could live life the way I wanted. It would be different now. 

[Rosie_0801]

It bothers me tremendously how life just keeps moving, and even amongst the tragedy you have to deal with mundane, everyday crap.

 

I realize that's probably what keeps people sane, but it just seems so... wrong.

 

You know how you watch small kids have these occasional bursts of "personness?" It's not just a growth spurt and developmental leap doesn't seem quite right either. It just seems to be an increase of "personness."

 

I think the sort of thing you're talking about here triggers an increased amount of "personness" too, which is a bit odd because we mostly think of adults as being fully formed persons. But tragedy can be a bit like a mystery initiation rite.

 

 

:grouphug:

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Angie in VA]

My kids when trick or treating 10 days after their father died. People stared at us (my kids were oblivious).

 

They were young, life was going to go onand even though they were out and looked seemingly happy did not mean they were not deep in mourning.

 

I was shocked when I learned that Jackie Kennedy had John, Jr's birthday party days after her husband was killed while sitting by her side. All while planning that funeral, procession, and, oh yeah, they moved out 2 weeks to the day after he was killed. 

 

I see both sides of this argument. 

[scoutingmom]

I haven't read all the replies.....

 

My brother died unexpectedly when I was 17. The next day I went to school. I didn't have to, and my parents I think tried to talk me out of it... But I need to do something normal. I couldn't sit in the house and listen to the planning.

 

I think I went in late and only started an hour or so. I didn't even go to class although I think I talked briefly to each teacher. It also happened to be report card day so I picked up that. It probably also gave me the chance to say it a few times. I had a nice normal bus ride each way.

 

In short, it got me away from the planning, and the sorrow in the house, and also reassured me that life would go on.

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[Lizzie in Ma]

I get it.  I really do.  When your life is in chaos and the world won't stop and mourn with you.  It just feels so cruel sometimes.  :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Guest]

I agree. I've not had to plan the funeral arrangements for anyone, but I've often wondered how anyone can bear to be thinking of planning for a party when their loved one has died. Because isn't that what the dinner afterwards is? A party where everyone brings food or goes out to eat? If it's in a home you have to plan about paper plates and extra seating and make sure there's enough toilet paper etc. Just like planning a party.

 

I'm sure other cultures handle death differently from us.

Yeah, but IME, the closest loved ones to the deceased don't do much of that; it's the aunties and cousins and best friends and church ladies that are most likely to do all those things. When my baby died, I didn't do any of that stuff, other people did. I had a few notions about certain things I wanted that I never imagined I would have to decide on, such as where she should be buried and what songs or readings I wanted at the funeral. I had no role whatsoever in the "party" that was held at my SILs house and I could not even tell you what the food was or anything like that. I remember it like it's a badly filmed home video and I remember staring at my Godmother and wondering how she managed to get here from out of state.

 

My FIL died on Christmas Day, early a.m., 1998. We still met for our Christmas party as anticipated and gave the gifts and make the food we had intended. It was surreal, but I do think for many people, the act of doing "normal" things helps stabilize the shock of the death.

[gardenmom5]

  I do think for many people, the act of doing "normal" things helps stabilize the shock of the death.

 

 

THIS.

My very dear friend - when her dh unexpectedly died she deliberately didn't tell some people (she knew they'd eventually find out anyway) - because she just wanted "normal". 

[Bluegoat]

Yes, I agree. When someone close to me died, I wanted to crawl through the street on my knees wailing like some old testament business. But I had to make my kids lunch. It felt ridiculous.

 

Our culture does not give (enough) space to grieve seriously imo. Community is lacking, to say the least.

 

I agree, but I think it's interesting that so many don't like or want funerals - the funeral, and the wake or reception or whatever associated with them, are really meant to create some of that space and opportunity, as well as allow for a more general reflection on death and what it means to us to be mortal.

 

Mind you, most of the funeral home funerals I have been to did a pretty poor job of doing that - they tend to feel like lip service.  I think a lot of people just aren't sure what else to do.

 

Culturally there also used to be a lot more customs around death with regard to dropping out of "normal" activities, wearing different clothes and so on.

 

People dropped them I think because they thought they were arbitrary and meaningless, but I think the loss actually ends up leaving a hole.

[Bluegoat]

The priest at our church once described the customs in the First Nations community he worked in.  It was a ristian funeral, but there was a big deal made with loud mouners and such, and then a huge feast with all the community, the whole thing lasted a week and everything was dropped for that week after the death.  None of the putting it off  for weeks or loner business.  All the community leaders and important people gave speeches during the feasting.

 

I think the reality is that our modern culture is unique - almost all cultures traditionally had significant mourning rituals and expectations about close relatives community participation for a period following the death.

 

I think when something is so universal, there is usually a good reason for it - is fills a need. 

[Pippen]

A few years ago, I was talking with someone about the death of young people. Their son commented that when someone it their group of friends died (a group of partiers), it seemed like they just disappeared. Everyone moved on. It really hit me because there is a thin line between "I did something stupid yesterday" and planning the person's funeral.

 

My dad died last year right after Thanksgiving. We didn't do Christmas last year and are buying gifts this year but not wrapping them. I have since moved into a new to us all house with my mom. She said she dreams of him often, like she's trying to place his memory in this house he never lived in. His presence is everywhere wiith pictures and some things he liked decorating the house. We are moving on, but we move around his absence, if that makes sense.

 

But yeah, senseless deaths bother me.

This morning I read a quote claiming that a person dies twice, once when a person stops breathing and again when somebody says their name for the last time. It was greatly comforting to me as this is the time of year when memories of those who have gone on are so strong.

 

As a family historian it gives me great pleasure to find someone connected to our family whose memory has been lost to time. Sometimes about all I can do is connect them up to other family members, but sometimes I'm able to fill in some details of their lives, recognize a forgotten soldier, or visit their graves.

[Angie in VA]

I have a found grief to be very personal and individualized, even that last word even applies here. Sounds wrong, but what I mean is there is no best way to mourn. It differs among people and situations. 

 

When a family friend (really, a father/uncle/friend to me now) shared my mother's retirement video w/ me, years after she died, I thought I would bawl through it. I didn't shed a tear. It was great to see her and hear her voice. I was shocked. 

 

When this same friend mentioned a font that my mom liked to use (they were work colleagues in addition to being friends), I boohooed b/c I was so happy that someone remembered that about my mother, you know, other than me. 

 

Regarding a very different, much milder form of mourning, I had some personal and hormonal things going on when dd left for college. I fought through it b/c I didn't want to be one of those homeschooling mothers, but I vividly recall being actually offended that the sun dared to shine the next day. 

Edited December 22, 2016 by Angie in VA

[Guest]

I agree, but I think it's interesting that so many don't like or want funerals - the funeral, and the wake or reception or whatever associated with them, are really meant to create some of that space and opportunity, as well as allow for a more general reflection on death and what it means to us to be mortal.

 

Mind you, most of the funeral home funerals I have been to did a pretty poor job of doing that - they tend to feel like lip service. I think a lot of people just aren't sure what else to do.

 

Culturally there also used to be a lot more customs around death with regard to dropping out of "normal" activities, wearing different clothes and so on.

 

People dropped them I think because they thought they were arbitrary and meaningless, but I think the loss actually ends up leaving a hole.

Funeral home funerals tend to be artificial, monetized, forced affairs IME.

[gardenmom5]

I have a found grief to be very personal and individualized, even that last work even applies here. Sounds wrong, but what I mean is there is no best way to mourn. It differs among people and situations. 

 

When a family friend (really, a father/uncle/friend to me now) shared my mother's retirement video w/ me, years after she died, I thought I would bawl through it. I didn't shed a tear. It was great to see her and hear her voice. I was shocked. 

 

When this same friend mentioned a font that my mom liked to use (they were work colleagues in addition to being friends), I boohooed b/c I was so happy that someone remembered that about my mother, you know, other than me. 

 

Regarding a very different, much milder form of mourning, I had some personal and hormonal things going on when dd left for college. I fought through it b/c I didn't want to be one of those homeschooling mothers, but I vividly recall being actually offended that the sun dared to shine the next day. 

 

this.

 

I was 12 when my father died.  I felt completely alone among people who at best didn't care.  (and enemies isn't being overly dramatic.)  I sobbed, and grieved.  I used to fantasize about him coming back, etc.  I don't know if I will ever feel such grief and pain ever again.

 

when my mother died . . . I was sad, I cried, I had to take my moments - but it was a *small fraction* of what I experienced with my father.

[StaceyinLA]

I am so sorry for those on here who are dealing with losses. Reading the replies has been helpful, as I think sometimes it's just nice to talk to others about all the ways in which it seems strange. People in real life aren't always up for that kind of talk.

 

This evening is the wake, and we found out it will be an open casket. I'm scared for my girl; it's gonna be a really tough evening. Tomorrow will be the service and burial. It still doesn't feel real.

[gardenmom5]

I am so sorry for those on here who are dealing with losses. Reading the replies has been helpful, as I think sometimes it's just nice to talk to others about all the ways in which it seems strange. People in real life aren't always up for that kind of talk.

 

This evening is the wake, and we found out it will be an open casket. I'm scared for my girl; it's gonna be a really tough evening. Tomorrow will be the service and burial. It still doesn't feel real.

 

open casket has it's value. 

 

I grew up with my mother's abhorrence of funerals and her "when you're dead you're dead" (and don't exist anymore) attitude.  she would completely skip any ceremonial recognition of death if she could have.  that started before my father died.  she was a big proponent of cremation - and there is nothing to see.

 

My husbands family/friends generally had a "viewing" before the funeral.  you could go or not to view the deceased, and express condolences in a more casual atmosphere.  It really hit home when a dear sweet lady, the mother of one of dh's lifetime friends, died.  I remember looking at her in her casket - and it was just a body.  her spirit that animated that body was gone.   it gave a 'close' to it.

 

btw:  recently saw a thing where a hospital granted permission for a dog to be brought in to see his beloved master before they turned off  his life support.   the dog was sniffing and licking - but recognized his master wasn't coming back.   in the same article, there was someone who had taken their living dog to see the one who was dying - so the dog could again - recognize it's buddy wasn't coming back.  they found the dogs grieved less - becasue they knew their buddy/master wasn't coming back, instead of wondering where they went.

[Guest]

Grief is strange. I keep thinking things like - my mom got her hair cut the week before she died - how can someone who has a new haircut die? Or, she went out to eat the afternoon before her brain hemorrhage - how could that happen? None of us had any idea she was going to die. How is that even possible? Why did we have to move my mothers belongings out of her new assisted living apartment one month to the day after we had moved her in? How is it she'll never wear her news shoes out?

 

Now I'm left trying to figure out what it means to have a Christmas without parents (I lost both of them within 54 days of each other). Mostly I'm left wondering how I will make it through the day without my traditional holiday call - how can I have Christmas without talking to my mommy and daddy? I feel like such a baby.

 

I started back to my volunteer job yesterday and worked yesterday and today. It was good, but strange. I avoided a couple of areas of the hospital that tend to have patients close to my parents' age, but my coworkers were very sympathetic and really struck a good balance between compassion and pressing onward with the business of the day.

 

Our Christmas tree isn't up yet - I'd really like to get it up tomorrow and keep it up for a few weeks - the tree lights at night are one of the things I do so enjoy about the holiday, but it seems a little trivial to me.

 

I'm working hard on just being present in the moment.

I am so very sorry, Tech Mom. This breaks my heart to read this.

[Guest]

I had a friend who left FB after her dh died.  It was too painful, for this very reason.  She'd get a beautiful tribute about her dh, and then within a MINUTE, the same person would post a big har-dee-har jokey thing that would show up in her news feed.  There was nothing wrong with what the person posted...it was just the immediacy of the dissonance that set my friend reeling.  

 

I think your response is pretty normal.  In days of old, we had signals that let people around us know we were a bit fragile due to the loss of a loved one.  A black sleeve garter for men, a veil for women, wearing black in general, a black ribbon on the door of the house, a black bar on the side of stationary...all of these gave us a clue that something bad had happened and we could adjust our interaction to be appropriate.  We don't get or give those clues anymore, and it makes for some awkward situations.  

 

Not that it would solve the problem.  And I really am sorry for this loss in your life, especially for your daughter.  :0(

[Guest]

open casket has it's value.

 

I grew up with my mother's abhorrence of funerals and her "when you're dead you're dead" (and don't exist anymore) attitude. she would completely skip any ceremonial recognition of death if she could have. that started before my father died. she was a big proponent of cremation - and there is nothing to see.

 

My husbands family/friends generally had a "viewing" before the funeral. you could go or not to view the deceased, and express condolences in a more casual atmosphere. It really hit home when a dear sweet lady, the mother of one of dh's lifetime friends, died. I remember looking at her in her casket - and it was just a body. her spirit that animated that body was gone. it gave a 'close' to it.

 

btw: recently saw a thing where a hospital granted permission for a dog to be brought in to see his beloved master before they turned off his life support. the dog was sniffing and licking - but recognized his master wasn't coming back. in the same article, there was someone who had taken their living dog to see the one who was dying - so the dog could again - recognize it's buddy wasn't coming back. they found the dogs grieved less - becasue they knew their buddy/master wasn't coming back, instead of wondering where they went.

This has been my experience, too. When I have not been able to attend a funeral (didn't necessarily have to be open casket, but a public recognition of the death), I struggled much more with truly accepting the death. I was not permitted to attend my grandfather's funeral when I was 11 and it was terribly difficult for me to process that grief. I couldn't come to terms with my GF really being gone because I never got to see anything "factual" that made it a reality for me. He was just alive and then missing and it was harder on me.

[Guest]

This has been my experience, too. When I have not been able to attend a funeral (didn't necessarily have to be open casket, but a public recognition of the death), I struggled much more with truly accepting the death. I was not permitted to attend my grandfather's funeral when I was 11 and it was terribly difficult for me to process that grief. I couldn't come to terms with my GF really being gone because I never got to see anything "factual" that made it a reality for me. He was just alive and then missing and it was harder on me.

 

There is a lot of psych research that shows that you are completely normal in this way.  Funerals, viewings, all help one come to terms with what has happened, and help in grief recovery.  It is a very human response.  Do you remember after 9/11, they searched and searched for any relic they could find?  It was to help people come to terms with reality.  A military MIA is so devastating for this reason.  

 

When my beloved pastor (a father figure) died in 1991 (New Year's Day), I  was on a three week business trip and could not make it to the funeral.  I cried over him for many months, almost at the drop of a hat.  Finally, I sat down at my piano and walked through all the funeral.  I got the tape of the tributes and listened to them.  I played and sang all they hymns.  It wasn't like i never cried again, but it was *definitely* a turning point in my grieving.  

[Plink]

I wish we did the black armband thing and that everyone knew what it meant and was kind as those in mourning stumble around making sense of life going on.

 

 

Personally, I cope best when I can pretend that everything is fine, so I'd hate to prolong the awkward "I'm so sorry for your loss" conversations by wearing an armband.  

 

On the other hand, we have a 14 year old friend who recently lost his mom, and has never had much contact with his father.  I kinda' wish I could give him that armband so that the world could understand that when he is acting bizarrely it isn't because he is an awful teen, it is because he lost his mom, his home, his school, his security, and everything he finds familiar all in one fell swoop.  (Honestly, what I really want to do is walk along behind him and yell at all the inconsiderate adults, telling them to save their judgement for themselves. That wouldn't turn out well though.)

[Guest]

Personally, I cope best when I can pretend that everything is fine, so I'd hate to prolong the awkward "I'm so sorry for your loss" conversations by wearing an armband.  

 

On the other hand, we have a 14 year old friend who recently lost his mom, and has never had much contact with his father.  I kinda' wish I could give him that armband so that the world could understand that when he is acting bizarrely it isn't because he is an awful teen, it is because he lost his mom, his home, his school, his security, and everything he finds familiar all in one fell swoop.  (Honestly, what I really want to do is walk along behind him and yell at all the inconsiderate adults, telling them to save their judgement for themselves. That wouldn't turn out well though.)

 

The second paragraph was sort of the point of the symbols..."Be ready for anything, because this person is in a fragile place."   It also gave people who don't want to prolong the conversations the freedom not to do so...it's kind of a sign to people that the mourner needs to be in the driver's seat in this situation and just be ready for the ride....if that makes sense.  There's space for all kinds of reactions and responses.  :0)

 

But it's not going to come back, I don't think, as a custom.  

[Guest]

Grief is strange. I keep thinking things like - my mom got her hair cut the week before she died - how can someone who has a new haircut die? Or, she went out to eat the afternoon before her brain hemorrhage - how could that happen? None of us had any idea she was going to die. How is that even possible? Why did we have to move my mothers belongings out of her new assisted living apartment one month to the day after we had moved her in? How is it she'll never wear her news shoes out? 

 

Now I'm left trying to figure out what it means to have a Christmas without parents (I lost both of them within 54 days of each other). Mostly I'm left wondering how I will make it through the day without my traditional holiday call - how can I have Christmas without talking to my mommy and daddy? I feel like such a baby. 

 

I started back to my volunteer job yesterday and worked yesterday and today. It was good, but strange. I avoided a couple of areas of the hospital that tend to have patients close to my parents' age, but my coworkers were very sympathetic and really struck a good balance between compassion and pressing onward with the business of the day. 

 

Our Christmas tree isn't up yet - I'd really like to get it up tomorrow and keep it up for a few weeks - the tree lights at night are one of the things I do so enjoy about the holiday, but it seems a little trivial to me. 

 

I'm working hard on just being present in the moment. 

 

You have been through a lot this year...my condolences on these tremendous losses.  

 

If you put your Christmas tree up, you won't be doing anything wrong to leave it up for a long time.  Many people don't take their tree down until 40 days after Christmas, which is about February 2 (when our Church celebrates the bringing of Christ into the Temple).  If doing that would bring you some consolation and maybe even a smile or two, DO IT!  

[Starr]

My friend was murdered in our twenties. It was so clear to me that the world needed to stop until I could get a grip - it didn't. My much younger brother died this year and every so often it just takes my breath away. Love to all who are missing loved ones this holiday season.

[Guest]

My friend was murdered in our twenties. It was so clear to me that the world needed to stop until I could get a grip - it didn't. My much younger brother died this year and every so often it just takes my breath away. Love to all who are missing loved ones this holiday season.

I'm so sorry for this loss and its cause. Murder and suicide are much harder to deal with if you ask me. Has been for me.

 

I'm just so sorry.

[Guest]

My friend was murdered in our twenties. It was so clear to me that the world needed to stop until I could get a grip - it didn't. My much younger brother died this year and every so often it just takes my breath away. Love to all who are missing loved ones this holiday season.

I'm so sorry for this loss and its cause. Murder and suicide are much harder to deal with if you ask me. Has been for me.

 

I'm just so sorry.