Help talk me through this please (potential eating dis)

[saraha]

So my 13 year old has stopped eating dinner.  On the surface, this doesn't seem to be a big deal. However, I am not sure it is just a phase. Or maybe it is, I don't know. 

Here is a random list of things that are sticking out to me.

1.  Our piano teacher is currently, and has been for the last year, having her daughter treated for anorexia.  Said daughter sees our daughters every week for about an hour during lessons. They are not close, only hanging out together during the hour of lessons.  I don't know what they talk about, so they may or may not know about the treatment, or have talked about food.  The daughter is still in denial about her eating disorder.

2.  She has a very real problem with change.  For example, she will wear something until it literally falls apart or she literally cannot button/zip it because she LOVES it and can't throw it away.  She has a barely contained corner in the bedroom she shares with her 3 other sisters that is full of stuff/junk/papers she can't bare to part with. Like a hoarder in training.  She has family with the same tendencies, although none of them have ever let it get out of control.

3.  She just started her period a month ago, BIG change, also started a new self paced online school (time 4 learning) last week.  She says she is enjoying it, and genuinely does seem to, but once again, change.

4.  She has an older sister who is very lean and lithe, but eats like a daggone horse.  She has a younger sister who is more on the thick side who constantly wishes she were thinner, but understands that she is built like her aunt and her cousins and continues to eat a healthy diet, although sometimes I have to put the breaks on when she goes back for thirds of her favorite meal.

5.  This is also the child who knows how to push my buttons in a heart beat.  I have posted threads about her before looking for advice.  So power struggle is not out of the question. I also dread having to deal with this because she of all of my children is the one I struggle with the most often and have to really work at our relationship.

6.  She has NO weight to lose.  She has always been lean and skinny like my older daughter.

7.  This has only just started occurring regularly.  We have had meals before where she has refused to eat.

8.  If she misses even just one meal, she gets migraine like symptoms- bad headache, sensitivity to sound

9.  She has since she was a baby had food texture issues.  Nothing big, she just doesn't eat mushy- ie jello, oatmeal, mushy stuffing, open face sandwiches or any way that bread might get soggy.  Nothing unreasonable.  She will eat mashed potatoes if they are stiff.  I have never forced her to eat any of this.

10.  She also can't eat under pressure.  If we have to be somewhere and need to hurry up and eat, she can't do it.  She can't swallow if people are watching her or waiting on her.  Once again, I know this, although I will admit it has caused drama at times, I do try to mitigate it when I can.

 

My husband says it is probably a phase or reaction to the changes.  I have watched the pain that our piano teacher has gone through with her daughter and if that is our future, I want to nip that in the bud now.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Be proactive.  Get evaluations.  Do you have a trustworthy pediatrician?  Maybe it is a phase but it can still cause damage.  And this could easily slide into something incredibly serious.  

[purplejackmama]

Why does she say she isn't eating dinner anymore?

[Jenn in FL]

On the run, so this will be quick...

 

aroundthedinnertable.org

 

nationaleatingdisorders.org

 

Do a board search for anorexia.  There are more than a few posters here that have "been to this rodeo" and almost every single one of them/us has been quite generous with sharing their experiences.

 

Read everything you can get your hands on!  ASAP!

 

Good Luck...

[Guest]

Is she eating more at other meals to compensate? Some kids and adults do prefer eating more food in less sittings, but I admit it does sound worrisome with some of the other changes.

[earthyfamily]

I was anorexic from the time I was 13 until I was almost 17. I would look at what she is eating throughout the rest of the day, maybe she just isn't hungry come dinner time? I too would be really curious to find out her reasoning for not wanting to eat dinner. Based on my experience, if one of my children suddenly didn't want dinner anymore, I would jump on that pretty quickly and begin working on solutions. 

When I was anorexic, dinner was the one meal that I would eat. My mom never cooked though, so it was always something that I had to come up with on my own. All said and done I'd end up with about 400 calories by the end of the day usually. And exercise played a huge role in my life as well. I was constantly exercising. Has there been any change in that area? Even behind closed doors maybe? I would always exercise in private. I did have my own room though...but on average I'd try to get in about 3 hours a day.

[saraha]

Why does she say she isn't eating dinner anymore?

 

She says she is not hungry.  Usually that is what she says if we have something for dinner she really doesn't care for. (There are 8 of us, so someone's favorite meal is always someone's least favorite)

Monday night- Roast beef sandwiches, chips, some veggie- I don't know how she did, I was gone and she ate with Dad and rest of family

Tuesday night- Pork fried rice, not a favorite, ate 2 bites of it and took the rest with her in the car to Bible Quiz practice (can't eat under pressure) didn't eat it after either, had a "migraine" later and went to bed.  Typical of what happens when she doesn't eat or drink enough.

Wednesday night- Lunchmeat sandwiches, peanut butter crackers, apple in the car on the way home from Orchestra practice.  This is a weekly occurence, having a picnic in the car on the way home (we drive an hour and a half one way for this activity)  Barely touched the apple, ate crackers, tried to surreptiously throw sandwich out the window and got caught.  Wouldn't eat it, even though she packed it herself and had control over what kind of sandwich it was and what was on it.

Thursday night- Mac and cheese with diced ham in it, peas, bread and butter..  I know how she feels about peas, but I gave her a small portion and said I didn't care what else she ate, as long as she ate the healthy part of the meal, then had to leave for work.  Dh wasn't home yet, so I have a feeling they ended up in the trash as soon as I left.

 

The response is always the same- I'm not hungry.  Last week it was trying to skip breakfast several days that week even though breakfast is free range from whatever is available that day.

 

On the surface this seems like small potatoes, but nothing is small potatoes with this kid, ever.  I am also afraid that I am jumping to worse case scenario because of piano teachers experience. (this is what my dh thinks)

Edited October 13, 2016 by saraha

[Hilltopmom]

We've btdt too, it sucks.

Just quickly, I've got to run out, but my dd's depression & eating disorder started the month she got her period, so I do think hormones can be to blame.

I saw lots of red flags in your post too, so I do think you should follow your gut feelings on this & follow up with dr.

 

( does your dd trust her ped? Ours was a young ish family friend who my dd would open up to. If not, anyone else?- famiky friend, counselor, etc)

 

I wouldn't ever comment on her not being able to eat like her sister or point out body differences in family members, or cut her off from another helping of food. Just no.

[prairiewindmomma]

this is ringing anxiety bells in my head---I'd go in for a full look at everything, not just food issues

[wapiti]

Sounds like there is a history of underlying sensory/anxiety stuff that is becoming more significant.  Not knowing the dd, my own reaction would be (and has been) to make sure there are plenty of yummy, acceptable options available not at mealtime should the dd realize later that she is hungry.  I would inclined to avoid the power struggle as much as possible.

 

In my house, we have had a situation where the child didn't want to eat because the child felt mysteriously sick after.  We haven't fully figured it out though some things were eliminated and that seems to help.

 

(just FYI, there are some situations where anorexia can be caused by a problematic immune response to infection, usually with some ocd, though I don't know how common that is vs garden-variety eating issues)

Edited October 13, 2016 by wapiti

[retiredHSmom]

Go look up Maudsley or Family Based Therapy. Basically you choose all her meals beginning today. Skipping is not an option.  

 

Undereating can cause anxiety, depression and OCD behaviors.

 

I would also cut off all contact with the piano teacher's daughter, immediately. Especially if the daughter is in denial. At a minimum I would require 100% monitored visits.

 

I have real-life experience in this topic.

Edited October 13, 2016 by Tania

[saraha]

 

I wouldn't ever comment on her not being able to eat like her sister or point out body differences in family members, or cut her off from another helping of food. Just no.

 

I don't comment on their body types.  I did have a talk with my younger daughter (not the one being discussed here) about how people are all built different and take after different family members when she repeatedly wished aloud that she was thinner.  I don't say anything about how much she eats unless she is going back for thirds, then it is a head shake to not call attention to it.  She is not the daughter I am having the problem with now though.

[saraha]

I am not sure about our ped.  She is very much a lets just wait and see how it turns out kind of person.  Most of the time she is right, once she was not.

[saraha]

She is not eating more at other meals, nor sneaking food.  Our family is so big and house small enough that that would not go unnoticed.

She does not exercise at all.

[lanalouwho]

I would definitely talk to her doctor.

This actually sounds a lot like me at that age. I did not have an eating disorder, but anemia. It caused chronic fatigue and loss of appetite. If I didn't eat right, migraines, muscle aches, and just generally feeling cruddy.

 

Hopefully you can figure it out and help her before it gets really bad. Good luck.

 

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[maize]

I would take your concerns seriously.

 

For an intimate look at anorexia from a mother's point of view I strongly recommend the book Brave Girl Eating. It is well worth the read if you think this might be an issue for your daughter.

[foxbridgeacademy]

We've also had food issues since DD started her period 2 years ago (actually a couple months before).  She stopped eating meat because it made her sick (on and off at first then completely about a year ago), would go days and barely eat.  Some was a control issue (she has admitted to this) and a lot of it I think was plain old hormones.  She has since cut out gluten (causes loose, bloody stools, so good idea), milk products (causes constipation) and eggs (causes nausea) but about a week ago she started eating meat again.  Also we've moved past the control issues and she only skips meals when she gets busy or truly isn't hungry.  

 

I remember at that age skipping a lot of meals because everything was "gross" (I also have the mushy texture issue).  I grew out of it around 16/17.  I'm not saying she doesn't have an eating disorder that might need treatment, I'm just suggesting that it might be as serious as first glance.  I read an article that said we don't actually have to get exactly XYZ nutrients every single day.  That it's okay to skip meals and to try to keep intake balanced over a longer period (several days to a week). I'd also suggest catering a few more meals to her taste preferences for awhile and see if that changes anything.  I would not cajole her to eat (feeds the control issue) but just make foods she likes available more often. 

[kiana]

There are a lot of red flags I see.

 

Knowing kids with anorexia.

Trying to throw away food instead of eating it.

Skipping lots of meals. 

New period -- beginning menstruation is a big trigger for many young girls.

 

I would absolutely positively get her evaluated by someone who knows what they are looking for. Very hopefully you are jumping at red flags and nothing will be wrong. But anorexia is a deadly disease and much less treatable once it's set in. If your kid were showing early signs of something that looked like cancer, you'd rush her for an evaluation, right? And be immensely relieved if it turned out to be nothing at all.  

[Janeway]

I will tell you this much, I had an eating disorder when I was young and I was fueled on by others who did the same thing. I would reduce contact with the girl with anorexia but try to do it without letting anyone know it's on purpose. Then give it more time and see if she starts joining for dinner again. I would not jump to an evaluation just yet because the symptoms are new. It could easily be a phase.

[City Mouse]

My DD was about that age when she has similar issues. She was 5'5" tall and weighed 103 lbs. at her lowest. it was bad enough that her ped had her come in for weight checks every month for a while.

 

I would start with a regular dr visit to rule out any medical issues first and possibly address the anxiety. For my DD it was sensory related issues. She would eat foods she liked, but she had a very small amount of food she liked. If we did not have what she liked, she just wouldn't eat anything. I know it is hard with a large family, but maybe hold off on any food rules for a while and see if she will eat her "favorite" foods if given the choice. If she will, that may help you narrow down the problem.

Edited October 14, 2016 by City Mouse

[kiwik]

A workmate gave a talk about her anorexia and resulting organ damage for mental health week - it was scary.

 

Could you take her for a checkup - just say it is routine after your first period? That way you can check blood glucose, iron etc without mentioning food. It may be something as simple as anemia or hormones.

[Ottakee]

I agree with a check up. You can frame it as a puberty check up but call the doctor ahead of time and mention your concerns and ask for blood work for thyroid, vitamin levels, anemia, etc. The doctor can then make it sound all very routine to your daughter.

 

Puberty and hormones could be triggering something as well as her body shape changing. The sensory and anxiety stuff should also be looked into and evaluated.

[Hilltopmom]

Oh, I forgot to add, in addition to seeing a dr now & cutting off contact with the girl with anorexia, also strictly monitor internet access, if you don't already.

 

My dd was getting a lot of pro Ana stuff from online sources that I hadn't known about. We completely cut off internet access (& magazines, the skinny models were triggering) for awhile until she was headed towards recovery.

[Ravin]

I would get an eval ASAP, allow only closely supervised contact with anorexic friend, and strictly monitor her media intake (internet etc.). Also, see if she will agree to keep a food log.

[fairfarmhand]

Just skipping dinner is not a big deal but in context of everything else she needs an evaluation. I have A child like this too and it's easy to say that it's just one thing but it n the greater context of her personality and life I think she needs help.

ETA: My child doesn't have an eating disorder, but has multiple issues that one at a time wouldn't be a big deal. When taken together, though, it makes things difficult.
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Edited October 14, 2016 by fairfarmhand

[SanDiegoMom]

My sister was anorexic from 16-22, I was anorexic and bulimic from 17-23. For us it was a lot of factors - we both had a very difficult relationship with our mother, and so we were each fighting for control in our own way. Media played a huge role, and my sister also had obsessive compulsive issues and perfectionism. I devoured every book about anorexia, articles, listened to depressing songs - anything to keep me focused on losing weight and not eating. And it is really tough for a parent to stop because it all goes back to asserting control over ones choices and ones body.

 

Doctors were not helpful - it's not the physical aspect you need to worry about at this point. You need an eating disorders clinic. I went to a regular psychiatrist and it was awful- no understanding. But then I went to an eating disorders clinic and that was the one thing that helped. I had someone who had been through the same struggles and had survived it. She understood what the triggers were and how to avoid them or counteract term with positive, self-affirming messages.

 

And end contact (carefully!) with the anorexic girl. It is a toxic influence. Anorexics seek often other anorexics out to compare, compete, and maintain their own resistance against food.

[maize]

You also might want to get rid of any scales in the house.

[ktgrok]

You also might want to get rid of any scales in the house.

 

This. Right now. Say it was broken. Whatever. 

 

And get her favorite foods in the house for a bit. If she doesn't want dinner, let her have something she does want. If that solves the issue, great. If not, you need to see a specialist asap. 

[Seasider]

I agree with a check up. You can frame it as a puberty check up but call the doctor ahead of time and mention your concerns and ask for blood work for thyroid, vitamin levels, anemia, etc. The doctor can then make it sound all very routine to your daughter.

 

Puberty and hormones could be triggering something as well as her body shape changing. The sensory and anxiety stuff should also be looked into and evaluated.

I agree with this and furthermore, if your current doc is not concerned and wants to "wait and see," under the current circumstances, it may be time to find a new physician.

[LMV]

Hugs!

 

Find a pediatrician or internist who is comfortable identifying malnutrition, and managing nutritional restoration and malnutrition potential complications. Keep an open mind on underlying diagnoses. Don't dismiss the ED possibility but also make sure that other etiologic explanations are also considered and confirmed/excluded as appropriate. Also keep an open mind on associated versus comorbid mental health diagnoses. Depression, anxiety etc can be a set up for malnutrition but also a consequence of malnutrition. This is yet another reason why it is so critical to make nutritional restoration priority #1.