Consequence for Teen not being ready?

[Plateau Mama]

Seriously need help coming up with a consequence for this morning.

 

Short version. 14yo Son was not read on time this morning so sister left w/o him. (with my blessing). Left 20 minutes late only to get to school (late) and he forgot his backpack. I ended up spending 1:20 in the car when I was planning to spend 0. Youngest missed coop because we were so frazzled and late we decided to get breakfast at McD's and call it a day.

 

Please don't tell me what I should have done. I'm only interested in thinking of a consequences at this point.

[catz]

I'd make consequences natural for the most part.  No way would I return with a back pack.  Is there a city bus/public transportation option he could take if he were late?  If I had to drive him, I might charge him for gas/time if he had a means to earn money.

 

I think if you were going to punish further, it would depend what his currency is.  Changing the wifi password and not passing it to him for a week might be good if he were a gamer/online person for example.  That would be definite punishment for my 15 year old.

Edited October 5, 2016 by WoolySocks

[myfunnybunch]

Is this the first time, or an ongoing problem?

 

If it's a one time thing, I'd probably tell him to knock it off, remind him it's really not ok to inconvenience the people around him, and ask how he's going to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

If it's not usual, or if he's struggling with time management, I'd be inclined to give him some grace and to plan and problem solve with him first. Really break down the steps to getting ready, teach him step-by-step how to manage his morning, work in a ton of wiggle room for unforeseen obstacles and distractions.

 

If it's an ongoing problem or he was just dawdling or being a pain in the rear about getting ready, then I'd probably choose a consequence that had to do with the wasted time and gas. Doing some of your missed household chores, paying for the extra gas and sib's missed class, missing screen time to help you out with your responsibilities?

 

I'd also lay out clear consequences for the future. If it ever happens again, he will have to go without his backpack for the day, or earn the money for a bus pass and use it to get to school, or whatever will fit.

[QueenCat]

Is this the first time, or an ongoing problem?

 

If it's a one time thing, I'd probably tell him to knock it off, remind him it's really not ok to inconvenience the people around him, and ask how he's going to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

If it's not usual, or if he's struggling with time management, I'd be inclined to give him some grace and to plan and problem solve with him first. Really break down the steps to getting ready, teach him step-by-step how to manage his morning, work in a ton of wiggle room for unforeseen obstacles and distractions.

 

If it's an ongoing problem or he was just dawdling or being a pain in the rear about getting ready, then I'd probably choose a consequence that had to do with the wasted time and gas. Doing some of your missed household chores, paying for the extra gas and sib's missed class, missing screen time to help you out with your responsibilities?

 

I'd also lay out clear consequences for the future. If it ever happens again, he will have to go without his backpack for the day, or earn the money for a bus pass and use it to get to school, or whatever will fit.

 

 

Pretty much this.................

 

[Annie G]

I'm a big believer in finding his currency...video games, goofing off with friends, etc. But for right now, since you need a consequence right away, you could require that he do a service for you to equal the time you spent taking him to school.   It won't work long term, but it might send an immediate message while you put together a plan in case it becomes an ongoing problem. 

 

When I resorted to this kind of thing for our kids, I usually made sure the tasks were either something I usually did or something that particularly served me. For instance, I always clean my bathroom so I might have a kid do it instead. And as a task to particularly serve me, I might have them wash and vac out my car.  It wasn't their currency but it did hammer the point that I had to be inconvenienced because of their carelessness. 

[Rebel Yell]

Is he homeschooled or in public/private school?

 

A consequence would be he gets himself to school somehow- walk, pay for an Uber/taxi, or pay ME for time and mileage. (In our house it is $10/hr plus $0.25/ mile each way including waiting time) and/or be the one to arrange the transportation.

 

Basically I make it not worth their while to inconvenience me for their refusal to be prepared. I do extend very much grace for sickness and things out of their control, but "I didn't wanna get up" does not fly here.

 

And their poor planning that impacts a sibling is dealt with similarly- for example if the sibling has to miss something or leave early or spend extra time in the car because of the siblings scheduled activities then they also can expect some form of payment- usually doing a chore for them.

 

I have to admit I never had to actually charge any of my kids, but that might be because they know I actually will. I am the mean mom that removed doors that got slammed and beds that were used as trampolines, so they know I mean business.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Why wasn't he ready on time?   I think I'd first try to find a system that works for him.  For example, doing as much as possible the night before, and making sure he is getting up early enough. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Is he homeschooled or in public/private school?

 

A consequence would be he gets himself to school somehow- walk, pay for an Uber/taxi, or pay ME for time and mileage. (In our house it is $10/hr plus $0.25/ mile each way including waiting time) and/or be the one to arrange the transportation.

 

Basically I make it not worth their while to inconvenience me for their refusal to be prepared. I do extend very much grace for sickness and things out of their control, but "I didn't wanna get up" does not fly here.

 

And their poor planning that impacts a sibling is dealt with similarly- for example if the sibling has to miss something or leave early or spend extra time in the car because of the siblings scheduled activities then they also can expect some form of payment- usually doing a chore for them.

 

I have to admit I never had to actually charge any of my kids, but that might be because they know I actually will. I am the mean mom that removed doors that got slammed and beds that were used as trampolines, so they know I mean business.

 

Although this is assuming he actually has money.  He's 14 so his options are limited. 

[AmandaVT]

Can he owe you 1:20 of his time to make up for the time you wasted? Extra yard work, cleaning, cooking, etc. Maybe he can spend extra time with the youngest to make up for missing coop? 

 

 

[SKL]

If you already made a run for him due to his mistakes, think of a job he can do to compensate you.  Maybe an hour and a half of extra housework or gardening.

 

And I'd warn him that in the future, if he forgets his stuff he is going to have to go through the school day without it.  That is the natural consequence and likely to make the biggest relevant impact.

 

I think this happens to most kids at some time or other.  It isn't a big deal, but consequences are appropriate.

[AK_Mom4]

We have dealt with this numerous times over the years.  Once they hit high school, all my kids have done Jazz band at zero hour - which means being at school ready to go by 6:25am each morning.  Jazz Band was *their* choice - totally optional.  With my first three kids, there was usually one of them that was having trouble getting ready in the mornings and making the other one late.  

 

When it was the driver who was the dawdler, I would take their car and run kid #2 up to band on time - driver kid #1 had to wait until I returned to leave for class.  Natural consequence - kid #1 was even later.

 

When it was passenger kid dawdling, I would tell driver kid #1 to leave on time.  Kid #2 then had to walk or grab a ride with DH who left for work about 20 minutes later.  Natural consequence, kid #2 was very late.

 

Now I just have one kid doing jazz band and she gets herself up to catch a ride every morning with DH (who now leaves earlier for work).  I do knock on her door if she isn't moving around when I come down - she is just 15 and sometimes misses her alarm.  If she was a dawdler, she would either miss her ride with DH or have to ask me to take her and she would end up being late.

 

If this is a one-time event, don't stress it.  But don't throw off the rest of your day because he forgot a backpack and couldn't get moving.  Not having his materials and being late is the natural  consequence for this and I would just continue about my normal rounds.  Some times it takes a little bit of failure for them to get it together.  

 

i save heroic measures for those occasions where delay is unavoidable (tree falls across driveway, sick kids,whatever).

[Plateau Mama]

 

I'd make consequences natural for the most part.  No way would I return with a back pack.  Is there a city bus/public transportation option he could take if he were late?  If I had to drive him, I might charge him for gas/time if he had a means to earn money.

 

I think if you were going to punish further, it would depend what his currency is.  Changing the wifi password and not passing it to him for a week might be good if he were a gamer/online person for example.  That would be definite punishment for my 15 year old.

 

No other transportation options.  Normally I wouldn't bring him things, but he really needed his backpack today.  I wasn't willing to impact his grades to prove a point. 

Is this the first time, or an ongoing problem?

 

If it's a one time thing, I'd probably tell him to knock it off, remind him it's really not ok to inconvenience the people around him, and ask how he's going to make sure it doesn't happen again.

 

If it's not usual, or if he's struggling with time management, I'd be inclined to give him some grace and to plan and problem solve with him first. Really break down the steps to getting ready, teach him step-by-step how to manage his morning, work in a ton of wiggle room for unforeseen obstacles and distractions.

 

If it's an ongoing problem or he was just dawdling or being a pain in the rear about getting ready, then I'd probably choose a consequence that had to do with the wasted time and gas. Doing some of your missed household chores, paying for the extra gas and sib's missed class, missing screen time to help you out with your responsibilities?

 

I'd also lay out clear consequences for the future. If it ever happens again, he will have to go without his backpack for the day, or earn the money for a bus pass and use it to get to school, or whatever will fit.

 

Being late is an ongoing problem.  He's always 5-10 minutes late, depends on how much we yell at him.  ;-)  When I went up 5 minutes before departure and he was still in his PJ's I told his sister she could go.  I didn't yell at him or rush him.  I was trying to make a point.  I didn't expect the backpack to be forgotten.  We told him at the beginning of the year that if he was late sister was leaving without him and he would have to deal with me and there would be consequences. 

Is he homeschooled or in public/private school?

A consequence would be he gets himself to school somehow- walk, pay for an Uber/taxi, or pay ME for time and mileage. (In our house it is $10/hr plus $0.25/ mile each way including waiting time) and/or be the one to arrange the transportation.

Basically I make it not worth their while to inconvenience me for their refusal to be prepared. I do extend very much grace for sickness and things out of their control, but "I didn't wanna get up" does not fly here.

And their poor planning that impacts a sibling is dealt with similarly- for example if the sibling has to miss something or leave early or spend extra time in the car because of the siblings scheduled activities then they also can expect some form of payment- usually doing a chore for them.

I have to admit I never had to actually charge any of my kids, but that might be because they know I actually will. I am the mean mom that removed doors that got slammed and beds that were used as trampolines, so they know I mean business.

 

He is in private school.  Younger sibling is homeschooled. 

Why wasn't he ready on time?   I think I'd first try to find a system that works for him.  For example, doing as much as possible the night before, and making sure he is getting up early enough. 

 

He didn't get up.  He tried to blame me for not getting him up but realized before he finished the thought that was a bad path to go down.  I give him points for catching himself there.  We have worked and worked with him about getting ready the night before, making lists etc.  He just refuses to do it.  If you look strong willed child up in the dictionary you will see his photo.

Can he owe you 1:20 of his time to make up for the time you wasted? Extra yard work, cleaning, cooking, etc. Maybe he can spend extra time with the youngest to make up for missing coop? 

 

This is what we normally do.  All it seems to do is stress me out more because he argues for 3 hours before he gets down to doing the 1:20 he needs to do. 

If you already made a run for him due to his mistakes, think of a job he can do to compensate you.  Maybe an hour and a half of extra housework or gardening.

 

And I'd warn him that in the future, if he forgets his stuff he is going to have to go through the school day without it.  That is the natural consequence and likely to make the biggest relevant impact.

 

I think this happens to most kids at some time or other.  It isn't a big deal, but consequences are appropriate.

 

He is well aware that this was a one time deal. I normally do not make special trips to the school. 

 

Last week he was informed that I wouldn't bring him things to tennis that he forgot because he'd used up all his chances.  The next day he forgot his racket.  He didn't call me. (yea!)

[Plateau Mama]

I think I'm going to start with having him hand me his phone and laptop when he walks in the door.  He can have them back when lunch & tennis is ready for the next day.  And we will do that every day.

 

I guess this weekend he will owe me 1:30 in chores TBD later.  (He doesn't have time to do them after school.  He doesn't get home from tennis till 7pm and has 2-3 hours of homework.) Maybe I will have him paint a wall or two for me.  ;-) 

[MysteryJen]

First time being late and forgetting backpack...I would have driven him and brought the backpack and kicked myself for not asking if he had everything for school.

Second time being late, bummer, walk, bus, beg for ride in exchange for chores. No excusing the tardy.

Second time forgetting the backpack. Bummer. 

 

Unless you have ongoing, special cirucmstance problems. 14 is plenty old enough to be ready on time with everything he needs and to take the consequences for forgetting.

 

Special needs/EF problems...entirely different set of solutions. But I would still not run the backpack to school. It won't kill them to not have it and probably that lesson will stick.

[mamiof5]

Since it seems to be an ongoing problem... I'd not give him a ride if he's not ready to leave on time with his sister. You are already arranging transportation (his sister), if he is not ready to go on time it's his problem, not mine.

 

I'd probably give him a ride if he agrees to pay me with chores WITHOUT complaining

[Plateau Mama]

First time being late and forgetting backpack...I would have driven him and brought the backpack and kicked myself for not asking if he had everything for school.

Second time being late, bummer, walk, bus, beg for ride in exchange for chores. No excusing the tardy.

Second time forgetting the backpack. Bummer.

 

Unless you have ongoing, special cirucmstance problems. 14 is plenty old enough to be ready on time with everything he needs and to take the consequences for forgetting.

 

Special needs/EF problems...entirely different set of solutions. But I would still not run the backpack to school. It won't kill them to not have it and probably that lesson will stick.

He does have EF issues but he refuses to even try to work on them. This was the 1st time I brought anything to school. I gave him some grace with his sport because this was his 1st year of managing an activity every day directly after school.

[City Mouse]

Make him get up 30 minutes earlier on school days? And/or go to be 30 min earlier

I like the idea of making him "pay back" the time it took you to deliver the backpack. He can do chores to make up for what you couldn't do because you took hi the backpack.

[Scarlett]

Everyone has great ideas but I just wanted to encourage you that he will get better. Two years ago I couldn't get my ds16 up and out the door....it was so frustrating to me when we had places to be....now at 16 he gets up at 6:30 every day and gets himself 30 minutes down the road to votech by 8:05. Then he has an afternoon job for 2 hours every day. He has not been late for either not one time. I am amazed at the improvement.

 

He still struggles getting the high school math done and I am trying very hard to just let him deal with it.

[SproutMamaK]

I think I'm going to start with having him hand me his phone and laptop when he walks in the door.  He can have them back when lunch & tennis is ready for the next day.  And we will do that every day.

 

I guess this weekend he will owe me 1:30 in chores TBD later.  (He doesn't have time to do them after school.  He doesn't get home from tennis till 7pm and has 2-3 hours of homework.) Maybe I will have him paint a wall or two for me.  ;-) 

Just as a suggestion: he didn't only waste *your* time. Because of his procrastination, his siblings missed out on classes (and possible had to spend time with you in the car during the drive as well? Not sure if your younger child was with for that as well). I'd say he needs to recognize that his actions impact MULTIPLE people. He owes *you* an hour and a half of his time... but he also owes a bunch to his little sibling in addition to that. How exactly he makes things right on that front may be very different than how he makes things up to you. And it may have more of an impact on him because it's not coming from someone he feels like pushing back against, but from someone he may naturally feel more protective of.

Edited October 5, 2016 by SproutMamaK

[JFSinIL]

The amount of your time he wasted today he owes you in chores and foot massages :-)

[Plateau Mama]

Just as a suggestion: he didn't only waste *your* time. Because of his procrastination, his siblings missed out on classes (and possible had to spend time with you in the car during the drive as well? Not sure if your younger child was with for that as well). I'd say he needs to recognize that his actions impact MULTIPLE people. He owes *you* an hour and a half of his time... but he also owes a bunch to his little sibling in addition to that. How exactly he makes things right on that front may be very different than how he makes things up to you. And it may have more of an impact on him because it's not coming from someone he feels like pushing back against, but from someone he may naturally feel more protective of.

Not only was sibling with me for the hour + in the car.  Sibling had to get up early, rush out of the house, not eat breakfast etc.

[myfunnybunch]

I agree with Scarlett, time and maturity will help.

 

My ds15, nearly 16, is just now able to get himself up consistently in the mornings, and is mostly managing to get himself ready on time without too much nagging...uh, I mean, scaffolding. :P

 

So, not that it helps right now, but it will get better as his brain settles down.

[fairfarmhand]

For my dd, I had to walk her mentally through the process. IT went like this.

 

"Wow. We sure were late for that lesson. It must be crummy to try to focus on your lesson when you make it there ten minutes late." Commiserate on how the tardiness made HER life miserable. "And I know it can't be pleasant to have me and your siblings irritated with you too."

 

"You know, I hate mornings like that too. I'm all stressed and frustrated. It was a tough morning. So why do you think that you tend to run late? What happens to make you late?"

 

For my dd, the biggest culprit was planning for the ideal world, not the real world. She knew it too x minutes to dress and shower. X minutes to gather her things. But when someone else was in the bathroom or she spilled and had to change or couldn't find something, she'd inevitably be five minutes late out the door.

 

So I asked her then (It's important to let these independent kids figure out their own solution. They're more invested in sticking to it if its their idea) "Well, what can we do (we meaning I'm on your team; I will come alongside you to solve the problem) to avoid this?"

 

She answered "I probably would be better off if I give myself about 10-15 minutes extra to plan for delays and problems. So if something pops up, I won't be late getting out the door."

 

Now with this kid, I was shocked, but the conversation actually improved her promptness. Also, I was kind of surprised that I had to walk her through the "Why am I always late? What is a solution to it?" process. It seemed so intutive to me. But really, many many people just don't naturally have a clock in their heads and an accurate perception of time's passage. My dd did ask  if I could give her a ten minute warning to leave.

 

So I had better success helping her figure out the problem and the solution.

[Scarlett]

For my dd, I had to walk her mentally through the process. IT went like this.

 

"Wow. We sure were late for that lesson. It must be crummy to try to focus on your lesson when you make it there ten minutes late." Commiserate on how the tardiness made HER life miserable. "And I know it can't be pleasant to have me and your siblings irritated with you too."

 

"You know, I hate mornings like that too. I'm all stressed and frustrated. It was a tough morning. So why do you think that you tend to run late? What happens to make you late?"

 

For my dd, the biggest culprit was planning for the ideal world, not the real world. She knew it too x minutes to dress and shower. X minutes to gather her things. But when someone else was in the bathroom or she spilled and had to change or couldn't find something, she'd inevitably be five minutes late out the door.

 

So I asked her then (It's important to let these independent kids figure out their own solution. They're more invested in sticking to it if its their idea) "Well, what can we do (we meaning I'm on your team; I will come alongside you to solve the problem) to avoid this?"

 

She answered "I probably would be better off if I give myself about 10-15 minutes extra to plan for delays and problems. So if something pops up, I won't be late getting out the door."

 

Now with this kid, I was shocked, but the conversation actually improved her promptness. Also, I was kind of surprised that I had to walk her through the "Why am I always late? What is a solution to it?" process. It seemed so intutive to me. But really, many many people just don't naturally have a clock in their heads and an accurate perception of time's passage. My dd did ask  if I could give her a ten minute warning to leave.

 

So I had better success helping her figure out the problem and the solution.

It is true some people just don't have a good internal clock.  A young mother in our congregation is always 30 minutes late.  Always.  Hey wait, maybe she does have a clock in her head....it is just the wrong time.  LOL

[nd293]

I would look at it as a time debt - he owes you 1:20 for starters - cooking dinner 3x this week, perhaps? There's also a debt to your child that missed coop, so he needs to do something sibling will enjoy - playing a board game, supervising at the playground, something like that.

[Artichoke]

changed my mind.

Edited June 12, 2017 by Artichoke

[Rebel Yell]

Although this is assuming he actually has money.  He's 14 so his options are limited.

 

Work exchange would be fine too. For me, the child who needed the extra "motivation" had several part time jobs and so could pay. Like I said, I never had to enforce it. And it would only be for ongoing bad habits and poor planning.

[shawthorne44]

....

This is what we normally do.  All it seems to do is stress me out more because he argues for 3 hours before he gets down to doing the 1:20 he needs to do. ...

 

Then he owes you 4:20 in labor.  Argument in equally stressful, pointless and time-wasting as the drive was.   It counts too.  

 

Maybe also try, "So, what are you going to do about that?" whenever he presents you with a problem he caused.  

[Katy]

It sounds to me that the real problem is not getting enough sleep.  While I'm not sure school for teens should start before 10am, it is what it is.  Natural consequence to me would be to go to bed an hour and twenty minutes early, but because of procrastination and 90 minute sleep cycles, I'd make that two hours early.  For a week as a trial.

 

But chances are he is going through a growth spurt or something and legitimately needs more sleep, in which case I'd make it two hours early for at least six weeks.

[Plateau Mama]

It sounds to me that the real problem is not getting enough sleep. While I'm not sure school for teens should start before 10am, it is what it is. Natural consequence to me would be to go to bed an hour and twenty minutes early, but because of procrastination and 90 minute sleep cycles, I'd make that two hours early. For a week as a trial.

 

But chances are he is going through a growth spurt or something and legitimately needs more sleep, in which case I'd make it two hours early for at least six weeks.

. Funny thing is today is late start. He didn't have to be at school till 9.

[Seasider]

Can he owe you 1:20 of his time to make up for the time you wasted? Extra yard work, cleaning, cooking, etc. Maybe he can spend extra time with the youngest to make up for missing coop?

He serves you for 1:20, plus pays you the cost of gas and one day's cost of the missed co-op class.

[school17777]

Who does he play tennis for? At our school, if you are late and it is unexcused, you are not allowed to participate in extra-curricular activies that day. If this is not a school rule, can you make it your rule? I am assuming he cares more about playing tennis than he does about being late.

 

Ds was late to school one day. He did not get to play in the football game that evening. The one game the team was expected to win that season. They lost because ds was the kicker and the back-up kicker could not kick the ball to where they had planned/practiced which changed the game. I don't recall him being late after that.

[Plateau Mama]

Who does he play tennis for? At our school, if you are late and it is unexcused, you are not allowed to participate in extra-curricular activies that day. If this is not a school rule, can you make it your rule? I am assuming he cares more about playing tennis than he does about being late.

 

Ds was late to school one day. He did not get to play in the football game that evening. The one game the team was expected to win that season. They lost because ds was the kicker and the back-up kicker could not kick the ball to where they had planned/practiced which changed the game. I don't recall him being late after that.

it is at school but you have to be absent 1/2 day to not practice and for this team it doesn't affect matches. He wouldn't care if he didn't ay he's only playing because he has to do a sport for PE credit.

 

He can home tonight and spent 1.5 hours making a snack. It is now 9:00 and I just went to check on him and he was listening to music and hasn't started his homework. Ugh. He's having a brain damaged kind of day.

Edited October 6, 2016 by Plateau Mama

[katilac]

I think I'm going to start with having him hand me his phone and laptop when he walks in the door.  He can have them back when lunch & tennis is ready for the next day.  And we will do that every day.

 

This sounds like it might be a good idea. 

[Jacquelyn in NC]

Then he owes you 4:20 in labor.  Argument in equally stressful, pointless and time-wasting as the drive was.   It counts too.  

 

Maybe also try, "So, what are you going to do about that?" whenever he presents you with a problem he caused.  

I agree with this 100%!

[EKS]

I don't know if this helps, but my son missed the bus the other morning.  I told him if it happens again, he will need to get up 15 minutes earlier.

[Plateau Mama]

So apparently I need to add lay uniform out before he gets devices back after school. This morning he almost left the house in black pants, not blue. (Uniform is blue or khaki). He was late(ish) because he literally could not find any of his uniform pants.