Rant against some of the homeschool community culture and values. I'm venting.......

[Joanne]

My son has a mowhawk. :coolgleamA: It's ok with me, his Dad, his step Dad and I presume his step mom. :smilielol5:

 

He's in a pre-algebra class here through a large, organized homeschool support group. A large, Christian, conservative group.

 

He wears polos (he did ask if he could find one with skulls :lol: I said "no".) He's on time, courteous, does his homework and gets good grades. Apparently he does ok in class and class behavior.

 

But I cal THE CALL. His haircut is "somewhat of a distraction in the hallways" and in class. :confused1::confused1:

 

He's "required" to have a "conservative look". He can't wear a baseball cap. He's been asked to "flatten or cut down" his hawk.

 

I did, as politely as I could at the moment, tell the bearer of the bad news that I believe the "distraction" was more perception than reality. She answered, smoothly "that may be but nonetheless........"

 

One thing that has not changed from my journey from theory parent to actual is that I was NOT GOING TO sweat changeable cosmetic expression. I have one child with a hawk and another son with longish hair. So what?

 

Another thing I've tried to do since having kids is to never assume *character*, *values* or anything relating to behavior based on dress or hair.

 

Having been a part of the homeschooling community for years now, I don't believe FOR A SPLIT second that this perception of "distraction" is not without *judgment* of character of my son or my leadership for my family.

 

My son is hurt, baffled and angry. So am I.

[RJH]

I would be very angry, too! I raise my children to not judge people based on how they look. And if you are a good kid and have good grades, then I don't care if your hair is green, if you have 10 piercings in your face, or if you have a mohawk. That's such a shame, and I would tell THEM to change.....not my son.

[Jill- OK]

...we toyed with the idea of joining a fairly rigorous (academically speaking) co-op this year.

 

The distance was a big factor in the ultimate 'no' decision, as was the amount of time spent out of the house, and the effect on the Littles' schedule (or lack thereof, lol)...but I won't lie; the "short" haircut rule caused both my son and I to balk a little.

 

His hair isn't WAY long (a schooch longer than the longest version of the haircut you see on "Jim" from the Office)...but it would have had to been pretty seriously modified, according to their dress code.

 

On the one hand, I understand wanting to preserve a certain element of middle-of-the-road appearance to minimize distraction (really good private schools often have Draconian dress codes for similar reasons).

 

But on the other...how does exposing a boy's ears and neckline ultimately help the bottom line, lol?

 

Your case brings up another point that would irk me ("It's irksome"); if this isn't something that was clearly stated in the beginning, it seems unfair to make up rules as the year goes along. I could understand the powers that be putting their heads together next year, and forming a dress/hair code, in response to their obviously strong feelings about this, but...I might get a little peeved at the suggestion he's/we're doing something wrong, when it wasn't discussed to begin with.

 

And I'm not (that much of) a rebel. Usually. Most of the time. Honest.

 

(Sorry you and your guy had to experience this.)

[Guest janainaz]

That would make me angry too! It all goes back to judging a book by it's cover. Just hearing about it infuriates me to no end. Who cares what his hair looks like. It's just people not taking the time to actually get to know someone. Always ready to judge from the outer appearance - it's always surface stuff.

 

I completely agree with you as to not sweating the changeable cosmetic expression. It is ALWAYS the heart that matters.

 

I'm sorry for your son!

[Carol in Cal.]

Would you have the same response if the issue was girls wearing spaghetti strap midriff tank tops?

[Karenciavo]

I realize you're venting Joanne, that's fine. I have a son with long hair who is not able to join some local groups. I'm not afraid to say that I know my son's walk is strong and that he probably knows more Scripture and has more Biblical wisdom than half the teachers, never mind the students. But... but, I support their right to have these types of rules, even if I don't agree with them.

[Guest janainaz]

Forgot to quote, I was replying to: Would you have the same response if the issue was girls wearing spaghetti strap midriff tank tops?

 

 

Yes!!!!! I would!!!

 

I WAS one of those girls- back in the day and I had a good heart with a terrible upbringing. We are supposed to be a mother to motherless/father to the fatherless and it does wonders when someone can look at a kid/person and see the best in them. Love sees beyond all that. But, therein lies the problem. It's hard to show love when you are too busy judging.

Edited October 2, 2008 by janainaz

[Harriet Vane]

Joanne, I am so sorry.

 

I had to learn this lesson many years ago. My little sister flirted with the idea of changing her appearance when she was a teenager.

 

I decided that the hill worth dying on (or argument worth having) was on tongue piercing. As she talked about all her different options (various piercings, tattoos, hair dye, etc.), I encouraged her to make a choice that didn't present future, permanent difficulties. So, of all the things she suggested, the ONLY thing I objected to was piercing her tongue, because those are notoriously prone to infection. I chose NOT to object to her thoughts on belly rings, nose rings, other piercings, or hair dye. (I didn't have to deal with the tattoo issue because our mother forbade it.)

 

My sister eventually dyed her hair blue. After a couple months of blue, she switched to a deep fuchsia. She had long, thick hair, and the color made her really stand out wherever she went. I was enthusiastic about both colors, though told her frankly that I preferred the fuchsia because it complemented her skin tone better.

 

As far as I was concerned, hair can be grown or changed. It was not an argument worth having.

 

Just to finish out the story, she did end up getting a tattoo once she was a legal adult. However, by then it was something she had thought through for two years and saved for personally. Encouraging her to think through her *permanent* body changes and choosing NOT to fuss about non-permanent changes really helped the process. Her tattoo is pretty and suits her personality.

 

My son also has a mohawk. If anyone objected I would hit the roof. He is not disobedient or rebellious. He's a nice kid who thinks mohawks look cool.

 

When my dd wanted to cut her long, gorgeous hair, I made her think it through for a month. I asked my son to think through his mohawk for the same length of time. At that point, since I know they have honestly considered the decision carefully, I consider it a non-permanent change and therefore an easy area in which to give them independence.

 

FWIW I consider myself to be an evangelical Christian. We are members of a Baptist church.

 

 

 

:grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

Would you have the same response if the issue was girls wearing spaghetti strap midriff tank tops?

 

Mohawks are NOT the same as immodesty. If I were the organizer of a relidious co-op, I would consider a modest dress code to be appropriate. If the tank top is low cut or baring tummy, I would not consider that to be modest. If it's just tank-style without exposing bre@sts or tummy, then I would not object.

 

Unlike body-exposing clothes, mohawks are not s@xual in nature so do not fall into the same realm.

[G5052]

We used to belong to group that said no shorts, skirts just above the knee or longer, no midriffs showing, no spaghetti straps, and no undergarments showing.

 

I thought that was pretty reasonable and actually reflects what the private schools are requiring locally.

 

But hair? Never seen that explicitly called out in a policy.

[Jennifer3141]

I had the saddest discussion about appearances with my father this week. It made me sad because I realized how easy it is to blame, "Other Man" for our problems.

 

My brother is desperately looking for a job.

 

He saw a driver of our town's BPW at a gas station. He evidently had a pierced ear and tattoos (Oh, the horror! lol). And my brother was mad because why should this guy have a job when he can't get one? My Dad was telling me this story and getting mad about the "bad" tattoo man.

 

I burst out laughing.

 

Why? Because when my bother was in HS and college he had what I used to call his "Rastafarian" hair. It was matted and hung down to his butt. He looked like a dork at my first wedding. I never once belittled him for it. I did tease him a little but hey, I'm his big sister. His hair was about 2 FEET longer than mine.

 

When he went on job interviews in college, everyone who didn't hire him was clearly discriminating based upon his hair. <insert eyeroll here>

 

It just mad me sad to see how easily my very intelligent father could justify judging someone's outward appearance. :(

I attribute it to the culture of fear we have now but really, his hair was long only 15 years ago.

 

He didn't like my response about the whole thing, "Did John go up and ask tattoo man how he got the job? Did he have some degree that would help John to get?"

 

Personally, I hate the look of mowhawks. But I'll be danged if I ever let that on to my kids. Because I understand that there's going to come a time when they experiment to figure out who they are. For some kids, crazy hair is a part of it. I'd rather they rebelled that way than do what I did which was marry a nice idiot to get out of the house. :D

It's way easier to let your hair grow out than it is to get a divorce!!!!

 

I would be furious with this HS group and simply tell them that his hair is none of their business. Ask for clarity about what they intend to do, I guess.

 

What do they want him to do? Shave his head bald or get a weave? I mean, it's HAIR. It's not going to 'correct' itself overnight.

 

Jen

[Nestof3]

I don't really know what to say about the school's decision since there are often certain dress code guidelines -- even in public school.

 

Obviously, you have every right to either approve or disapprove of your son's hairstyle, but I'll be the unpopular one here and say I would not allow my son to have that sort of hairstyle and would question why he would want to. I just cannot imagine what would possess one of my sons to decide to have a hairstyle like that, or have long hair, or pierce anything, or tattoo anything. I'm not saying it's a moral issue -- just not the appearance I would want for my sons. Our teens are expected to be preparing for manhood, and I really think this sort of appearance is not something they would pursue when on the path to marriage and job considerations.

 

But, it's perfectly fine with me if you want your son to have a mohawk.

[Guest janainaz]

Mohawks are NOT the same as immodesty. If I were the organizer of a relidious co-op, I would consider a modest dress code to be appropriate. If the tank top is low cut or baring tummy, I would not consider that to be modest. If it's just tank-style without exposing bre@sts or tummy, then I would not object.

 

Unlike body-exposing clothes, mohawks are not s@xual in nature so do not fall into the same realm.

 

Yeah, as far as a group setting and a dress code - I agree with that. Mohawks are definitely different than immodesty. I was referring more to the judgement factor of how people treat others and summing them up as a person based on what only their eyes can see. For a group, I can see setting boundaries on that.

[Jennifer3141]

Would you have the same response if the issue was girls wearing spaghetti strap midriff tank tops?

 

I'm not entirely sure a mowhawk is sexually stimulating for most teenage girls. I suppose if Joanne's son is vibing that whole bad-boy-Fonzie-thing, maybe but I doubt it.

 

Wow. Did I just date myself or what? :D

 

Jen

[bettyandbob]

This is just stupid. This is just a way for adults to show they have "control".

 

However,

 

What are your options? Can you drop out and get money back. And if you did that could you teach the math. Did the coop information disclose a hair requirement which the mohawk violates.

 

I've never joined a coop. Every year I think about it. Next year it is likely it will be my only option for a class dd needs. BUT. The rules. The judgemental rules. Coop rules in some coops are incredibly obnoxious sounding, especially when I look at the "student rights and responsibilities" the public school puts out to control schools with 1500-2200 students.

 

Especially with hair. Really hair is dead cells. It grows back. It's not permanent like tattoos or peircings. I haven't heard of hair styles being gang related. What would the coop do if all the kids wore their hair as was done in biblical times? Hair does not say anything about what is in a persons heart. But the coops response says everything about the need to control with hostility not by earned/shared respect.

[LisaNY]

I realize you're venting Joanne, that's fine. I have a son with long hair who is not able to join some local groups. I'm not afraid to say that I know my son's walk is strong and that he probably knows more Scripture and has more Biblical wisdom than half the teachers, never mind the students. But... but, I support their right to have these types of rules, even if I don't agree with them.

 

I agree. It may be a really bad call on their part, but, it's their school, and they get to make the rules.

[WTMindy]

First, I will say that I don't mind mohawks. The teenage drummer at our church wears a mohawk and I've never heard anyone say anything negative. But, this is a teaching moment for your son. People will judge you by your appearance. Rightly or not. Is this the hill he wants to die on, or not? He will face the same thing in the future in job interviews and other situations. The lesson might be that it is important to stand up for your individuality no matter what, or the lesson might be that there are times that you have to "conform to the norm" to get what you want. Do I think it is right that a kid would be judged by his hair? Nope! But, I think it is the reality of the world we live in. I can understand that you are frustrated (I would be to), but I think the lesson is that he has to make a choice and you will support the choice he makes.

[abbeyej]

For me, it would come down to their written policies...

 

There's a kid in our home school group with a mohawk. And we've had plenty of pink hair and piercings and whatnot among the teens. But there is absolutely no dress code in our group, so it's not an issue. And mohawk-kid happens to be one of the kindest, most intelligent, well-spoken young men around. He's a great and generous role model to some of the younger boys, a hard worker... Just an awesome kid.

 

So in that way, I know where you're coming from.

 

But *IF* the group you joined has hairstyle and dress code written into their policies, I fully support their right to enforce that policy. If they're making up the rules as they go along, well, that's ludicrous and you have every right to be furious.

 

I do understand, though, the reasons why some groups require a certain dress-code or uniform and even hair cuts... And I would also understand why some people would choose not to belong to such a group.

 

If they're just inventing a new hair policy weeks into the session... Well, that's *their* problem, and they should either get over it or write it into next year's policy...

[Chika]

If we operate in such a way that they think that the rules don't apply to *them*. (I'm writing this post under the thought that this hair rule was there at the beginning and all parties knew about it, btw. If that's NOT the case, then this answer isn't as applicable.) I know your heart, I do, I'm a mom of a great kid with a "different" hairdo too, although I can't say that I have been in a situation where there was a rule about the 'do. With that said ...

 

It's a huge problem, IMHO, in our culture -- people thinking that the rules don't apply to *them*. Drivers running yellow/red lights; folks using their gramma's handicapped parking tags illegally; kids playing on the wheelchair ramp with their bicycles and scooters; not declaring all income tax on the annual form; etc. These things happen because people decide that the rules don't apply to *them*. Of course, the haircut issue is minor compared to these bigger issues! And I *don't* like the rule and the subsequent (or concurrent) judging that goes along with it at all -- my desire would be that the rule not be there in the first place. But if it *is* and it was when you signed on, then I think it does kids a better service to work that through than to say "It's a dumb rule and you can do whatever you want in this case".

 

The kids'-bikes-on-the-wheelchair-ramp is where I had to take a step back in our family, and make the kids see that we can't always get what we want and that there ARE at times rules we don't like that we still have to follow. We live near a public building where there's a fabulously long and curvy wheelchair ramp. The kids played on it for ever so long before the building manager came out and said "no more play" on the ramp. I know my kids, I know they would stop and let wheelchair users pass by if any were present; I know they don't play recklessly, that they were just having fun going up and down, etc. And I wanted to approach the manager with this. But I didn't ... couldn't ... because of the above, and it's been lost as a great place to play. Again, I wish the rule wasn't *there* in the first place, but it is and so we've moved on.

 

Do you have any thoughts on this? Would this apply in your situation, or "not in the least"? I've read your posts and know that you are a fabulous and loving parent! So it's not about that. I'm more just sharing some thoughts I've been having, having recently dealt with a similar (but not the same) issue.

[readwithem]

 

Did the coop information disclose a hair requirement which the mohawk violates.

 

 

 

This is my question as well. If it were stated in the handbook (or whatever) then I understand the phone call. Otherwise, I don't think the coop has a leg to stand on. Bet the rules are clarified going forward :)

 

I'm not sure what that does for your ds in the long run though. I would wonder whether he would feel welcomed and nurtured in that environment.

 

The fact that it's a distraction.... goodness, I've seen fingernails and makeup that are a distraction but there's not much I can do about it:lol:

Edited October 2, 2008 by readwithem

[Diana in OR]

"One thing that has not changed from my journey from theory parent to actual is that I was NOT GOING TO sweat changeable cosmetic expression. I have one child with a hawk and another son with longish hair. So what?"

 

Joanne, I totally agree with you here. At the moment, both my boys are conservative in their style, and that is their choice. Heck, my younger son looks great with longish hair and I've tried to get him to grow it out several times and he just won't do it.

 

I decided long ago that I wasn't going to sweat stuff like this. Unless someone can show me where it is prohibited in the Bible. I'm certainly not going to let it be a wall between me and my dc.

 

You didn't say it was an explicit rule. If they're going to say, "Conservative dress" they should define it.

[elegantlion]

As a "hair rebel" myself I'd be upset. I agree that if it were to be an issue it should have been addressed in the guidelines prior to start of class. Agree, what are your options. If I had been a leader I would have let it go for the remainder of the session and then make rules to implemented in the next session. Myself, I wouldn't make those rules.

 

I chose to be different in high school, early 80's. I dressed punky and my hair had a tail. I was judged because of it, but it was a statement I wanted to make. I know I lost friends because of it, but it was part of who I was and didn't want to change it to please anyone else.

 

As Mindy said this is opportunity to see that he will be judged in life by his appearance, fair or not.

 

I hope you find a solution that is workable for you and your son.

[Joanne]

If we operate in such a way that they think that the rules don't apply to *them*. (I'm writing this post under the thought that this hair rule was there at the beginning and all parties knew about it, btw. If that's NOT the case, then this answer isn't as applicable.) I know your heart, I do, I'm a mom of a great kid with a "different" hairdo too, although I can't say that I have been in a situation where there was a rule about the 'do. With that said ...

 

It's a huge problem, IMHO, in our culture -- people thinking that the rules don't apply to *them*. Drivers running yellow/red lights; folks using their gramma's handicapped parking tags illegally; kids playing on the wheelchair ramp with their bicycles and scooters; not declaring all income tax on the annual form; etc. These things happen because people decide that the rules don't apply to *them*.

 

You've listed *behavior*. I don't like my son's HAIRCUT being compared to quesitonable *behavior*.

[Cedarmom]

For me, it would come down to their written policies...

 

if they're just inventing a new hair policy weeks into the session... Well, that's *their* problem, and they should either get over it or write it into next year's policy...[/quote

:iagree:

 

If they had stated this before you joined, then by joining you agree to abide by their rules, even if you think their rules are stupid. If there was no previous stated policy, there is no way I'd make my son cut his hair.

[Laura K (NC)]

While a co-op shouldn't make up rules as it goes along, I agree with a dress code, and it is certainly the case that people are judged by the way they look. Absolutely. If there is a dress code in place, then it shows disrespect to the organization to flaunt it. If a young man or woman wants to get a job in finance or law, for example, they would realize quickly that appearances do matter. And, along the same lines as your post title, a woman with a less-than-desirable appearance is not going to get hired at Hooters, either. Spaghetti straps and bare midriffs are different than mohawks. A girl who shows so much skin during class, church, or any formal setting gives the impression that she doesn't care much for herself. And as long as we're talking about hypotheticals, a boy with a mohawk, heavy chains, excessively baggy clothes, or in-your-face foul language, or a slouch is showing that he doesn't much care for anyone but himself and his desires. We don't just communicate with words. We pick hairstyles, clothes, mannerisms, etc. on purpose to communicate something.

 

The co-op should have stated its dress code before the school year. That might not be the co-op organizer's fault; I've been in co-ops where we wanted to let kids and parents have more freedoms than were really feasible. Dress codes were part of that. That co-op is still pretty flexible and there aren't many rules, but occasionally we have to add rules as situations arise that we didn't anticipate.

 

A child (and his parents) have to respect the authority of the teachers, though. It may come down to a choice -- being in a co-op that is more restrictive than is our preference, and adapting to their guidelines, or opting out on principle.

 

One of the boys in our co-op has a mohawk every summer. His dad cuts it for him. By the time school starts, he has a short buzz cut. During the school year, even though he's a homeschooler, the days are more formal. He's a Boy Scout and he does flag ceremonies for local government council meetings. He volunteers with his troop all over. He has occasion to wear a suit periodically. His parents were wild in their day, but his mom is also a lawyer. She knows when it's time to give a good impression, and when it's appropriate to "let your hair down." I think this is a reasonable lesson for kids to learn young. And I think kids should be taught that people do judge you by your appearance and your friends.

[Joanne]

Obviously, you have every right to either approve or disapprove of your son's hairstyle, but I'll be the unpopular one here and say I would not allow my son to have that sort of hairstyle and would question why he would want to. I just cannot imagine what would possess one of my sons to decide to have a hairstyle like that, or have long hair, or pierce anything, or tattoo anything. I'm not saying it's a moral issue -- just not the appearance I would want for my sons. Our teens are expected to be preparing for manhood, and I really think this sort of appearance is not something they would pursue when on the path to marriage and job considerations.

 

But, it's perfectly fine with me if you want your son to have a mohawk.

__________________

 

I don't "want my son to have a mowhawk". I just didn't care if HE wanted one. ;)

 

I'm not even going to comment on the fact that I was venting and the content and judgement in your first paragraph.

[Jennifer3141]

Joanne, does this group have a dress code? Is it written someplace?

 

I'm still chuckling a bit over the "distraction" argument. Are these homeschooled kids so weak in math that someone else's HAIR makes it difficult to actually work??

 

Jen

[HappyatHome]

But, this is a teaching moment for your son. People will judge you by your appearance. Rightly or not. Is this the hill he wants to die on, or not? He will face the same thing in the future in job interviews and other situations. The lesson might be that it is important to stand up for your individuality no matter what, or the lesson might be that there are times that you have to "conform to the norm" to get what you want. Do I think it is right that a kid would be judged by his hair? Nope! But, I think it is the reality of the world we live in. I can understand that you are frustrated (I would be to), but I think the lesson is that he has to make a choice and you will support the choice he makes.

 

This is what I wanted to say. My 21yo son has "long" hair - it reaches his shoulders. He keeps it out of his face and it looks tidy. However, when he decided to grow it out, we explained that we live in a culture that does take into account one's outward appearance. We made sure that he understood that his hair could limit his options in life.

 

Interestingly enough, all the local conservative homeschool moms like my son. They make a point to tell me so. I don't think they want their sons to look like him, but they are fine with his choice.

 

He finally did experience prejudice because of his hair. It was at work. He works at a retreat center run by a Christian family, although it is not a "Christian" retreat center. His boss said that he had to cut his hair or lose his job. The boss had a manager tell him. The boss had never even spoken to my son. DS decided to cut his hair a bit (above his collar). He still has the job, in fact, there is a letter on the wall of the office saying how professionally he and two other young men did their jobs sent by some people he worked with. Even though he is a great employee, his boss clearly is still bothered by his hair and gives him a hard time.

 

You son is just learning this lesson early in life. People judging us by our appearance is a fact of life.

[8filltheheart]

I didn't read all the responses, but did they have a pre-established policy?

 

FWIW, I don't think this has anything to do with homeschooling culture at all. My 16 yos has now attended 2 different private schools and they have very explicit rules about hair cuts. We could either accept them or look for another school. The choice was ours.

 

My dd has a male friend that would love to join Civil Air Patrol, but he has long hair that he is unwilling to cut. That means he can't join.

 

If they are making the decision after the fact, that is a different scenerio.

[LizzyBee]

I get the impression the class has already been in session for a couple of weeks. If you weren't given a dress code by the first day of class that included information about hairstyles, then I don't think the co-op has the right to tell your son he has to change his hairstyle now. Even if his hair is a distraction now, the other kids will get used to it and it won't be a distraction any longer. That would tick me off, too.

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

Yeah, I totally cannot concentrate if someone's hairstyle doesn't line up with my belief system.

What, is he waving the hawk in their eyes so they can't see their papers? Is he grooming himself so kids can't see the teacher? Who are these kids who have such delicate attention spans that they absolutely cannot concentrate if someone has a hawk in the same room?:confused:

I guess you can tell on which side of this issue I fall. I am constantly amazed at the ability of some to turn molehills into mountains (speaking of the coop, here, Joanne, not you. Good luck.

[Chika]

You've listed *behavior*. I don't like my son's HAIRCUT being compared to quesitonable *behavior*.

 

This is true (that I listed behavior in my examples while your son's choice is cosmetic). As I said, I have a son with a hairstyle that some at times would not, shall we say, appreciate and it has nothing to do with behavior -- questionable or otherwise.

 

But the point of my post had to do with rules and whether or not we are to follow them; the principle I tried to convey (perhaps not so very well) would apply whether the subject is behavior or a cosmetic choice. If a rule exists that doesn't allow for a certain behavior (or cosmetic choice) then it doesn't do our children any good to get them thinking that they're special so the rule doesn't apply to *them*. Yes, the better thing would be for some such rules to not even be there; but if they are ...

[Michele B]

They need to establish specific regulations and stick with them. If their dress code covers hair or if it says students' appearance should not be ostentatious - well there you go. If he has a Mohawk because it is part of his culture, heritage or religion, the others need to accept that and move on. If he has a mohawk just to have a mohawk, and they have regulations about appearance - he needs to adapt. Being ostentatious is not desirable in all situations. School is a time for schoolin' not "hey look at me." My opinion, that's all. My girls wear bathing suits at the beach, not in church. Those are our societies norms. We do judge books by their cover because we are human and because covers are usually chosen to show the to the public. If your son wants to have a wildly different haircut from his peers, he will stand out. Standing out distracts during history class. Not really the point of going to class.

But if they don't have specific regulations, then they can't say much

 

Michele

[elegantlion]

Yeah, I totally cannot concentrate if someone's hairstyle doesn't line up with my belief system.

What, is he waving the hawk in their eyes so they can't see their papers? Is he grooming himself so kids can't see the teacher? Who are these kids who have such delicate attention spans that they absolutely cannot concentrate if someone has a hawk in the same room?:confused:

I guess you can tell on which side of this issue I fall. I am constantly amazed at the ability of some to turn molehills into mountains (speaking of the coop, here, Joanne, not you. Good luck.

 

 

You made me giggle. :D

[MeanestMomInMidwest]

You made me giggle. :D

good! Sometimes people want to strangle me. giggling is much better.:)

[Happy]

Our teenaged son faces a similar challenge each year. He plays varsity baseball on a homeschool league. Their written policy states a short haircut to promote a good impression. All well and good, but my son wears long hair. (Our family rules require clean and out of the eyes.)

The first year he played (three years ago) it was a huge decision for him.

 

The coach and my husband and I talked a lot. We explained that our shorthaired, clean cut kid was the trouble maker, so we didn't care if N who is our 'good' kid wore long hair. With N we talked about the choices one has to make to do what one wants. For example, dh cannot wear a beard as a professional pilot. If he wants a beard more than he wants to fly, that's his choice.

 

After a lot of talking, we stood back and let our son decide. With great groaning he cut his hair just over his ears and collar. His coach sent him a note thanking him for putting his team first. Nicely done. I still wonder if they have a rule for the girl's volleyball team to require LONG hair. :D And why some of the coaches can have beards and such, too, but the boys can't. (But I'm ornery that way.)

 

Even better, people make a big deal over N's baseball haircut. Church, personal friends, even the gals at the haircut place. Ds didn't know it would be FUN to cut his hair, too.

 

A friend of ours coaches varsity football and baseball in a local large PS. He requires a military short haircut for his players. He says he knows they will follow orders if they cut their hair. If not, they probably would be problems.

 

Not the same as a class. I hope you find a resolution. Personally, hair is soooooooo temporary, I don't think much of it.

[hornblower]

There have been many times when I've just been aching to drag someone to the bathroom and fix their hair. Usually at a homeschool support meeting, actually.

 

Generally it's a conservative woman with boring, long, lank hair, dragged from her face in a horribly unattractive and harsh style. I've spent entire meetings giving people make-overs in my mind. Cutting in some layers, putting in some highlights, texturing it with some putty, adding a nice fringe to soften the features.....

 

Conservative hair is SO distracting.

[Greta]

I just cannot imagine what would possess one of my sons to decide to have a hairstyle like that, or have long hair, or pierce anything, or tattoo anything.

 

Really? I fully expect my daughter to do things that I do not expect her to do. :lol:

 

That's just part of the growing-up process isn't it?

 

Joanne, my dd is only 8, but she certainly has a sense of style that is . . . well a little different. I know I would be very hurt for her sake if she had been judged in this way. I don't have advice to offer, only sympathy for you and your son.

[Sandy in Indy]

I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this, Joanne. As several other posters have said, I think a lot depends on whether or not there was a policy in place before classes began. And it boggles my mind to think that they'd contact you after several classes... I direct a hs group and our guidelines state that hair styles and jewelry are not to be distracting. That's not horribly specific but so far it's not been an issue. We're a conservative bunch, but we've managed to have kids come with brightly colored hair and weird haircuts and not melt down over it.

 

I think I'd want to know just what was so distracting and if someone actually complained or if the teacher just decided it was distracting. (Maybe it's distracting her!!!) In any case, it seems a bit late in the game, so to speak, to bring it up.

 

I guess it depends on how much you need your son to take this class. He may need to bend on personal expression for a bit in order to gain this material....

[Audrey]

My son has a mowhawk. :coolgleamA: It's ok with me, his Dad, his step Dad and I presume his step mom. :smilielol5:

 

He's in a pre-algebra class here through a large, organized homeschool support group. A large, Christian, conservative group.

 

He wears polos (he did ask if he could find one with skulls :lol: I said "no".) He's on time, courteous, does his homework and gets good grades. Apparently he does ok in class and class behavior.

 

But I cal THE CALL. His haircut is "somewhat of a distraction in the hallways" and in class. :confused1::confused1:

 

He's "required" to have a "conservative look". He can't wear a baseball cap. He's been asked to "flatten or cut down" his hawk.

 

I did, as politely as I could at the moment, tell the bearer of the bad news that I believe the "distraction" was more perception than reality. She answered, smoothly "that may be but nonetheless........"

 

One thing that has not changed from my journey from theory parent to actual is that I was NOT GOING TO sweat changeable cosmetic expression. I have one child with a hawk and another son with longish hair. So what?

 

Another thing I've tried to do since having kids is to never assume *character*, *values* or anything relating to behavior based on dress or hair.

 

Having been a part of the homeschooling community for years now, I don't believe FOR A SPLIT second that this perception of "distraction" is not without *judgment* of character of my son or my leadership for my family.

 

My son is hurt, baffled and angry. So am I.

 

I agree with everything you've said here.

 

I'd be interested to know what you're going to do about it. Will he cut/alter his hair? Or, will you buck the system and keep it the way it is but still attend the classes? Or, drop out of the classes?

[Rebecca in GA]

Are these homeschooled kids so weak in math that someone else's HAIR makes it difficult to actually work??

 

Maybe it's poking them in the eye? :rofl:

 

So not an issue for me. I'd be irritated as well. Not to worry, though -- they'll all be working for him one day anyway. Maybe he can issue his own dress code that requires them to have a mohawk! :D

[Trivium Academy]

Joanne, it's Halloween so you can get this pretty easily...I'm laughing as I type...have him get one of those bald head covers, not a mask just something that makes you look bald. Then he'll be accepted I'm sure and be able to keep his mohawk. Did he color his mohawk?

 

Would he consider wearing his hair down or in a ponytail during class? I get your point and where you're coming from, but if you are depending on this class for academic reasons- that's the most important thing, right?

 

Have a little fun at their expense.

[PrairieAir]

If they had a written policy that stated no mohawks or conservative haircuts only (though that's leaving it up to individual interpretation), then you should have seen this coming and either went along with their policy or not joined the group. However, if there is no written policy, then they're being (fill in the blank with your favorite expletive). I rather think that them having a policy to begin with indicates what they're like, but if they do indeed have one, at least they're up front about what kind of people they are.

 

Someone already said it before me, but the mohawk issue is not remotely the same as the spaghetti straps and crop tops (or modesty) issue. That said, I don't agree with what that comment implies, even if I can understand why spaghetti straps and crop tops might be against the dress code.

 

Joanne, if there is no written rule, I would fight it, but that's me. I've had it with the type of attitude you mention here.

[Guest Katia]

Joanne,

 

I just want to put my 2 cents in here for whatever it's worth at this point.

 

 

I totally agree that if there was no policy in place before your son started the classes that it is totally unfair for them to try and control him after the fact. Technically they should not be able to enforce something like this retroactively.

 

Unfortunately, my personal experience with conservative Christian homeschool co-ops is that they are all about control: if you want to stay in you must conform. If you buck their 'suggestions', whether or not you have a leg to stand on as far as rules goes; you will be kicked out of the group. And yes, they will make both your ds's character and your character an issue and you will come out the loser. I know this from experience.

 

That is not to say that stirring up the pot and kicking some CC butt is not in order, as long as both you and your ds know that in the end they will kick you out regardless. So, if you two are up for the fight I say go for it.

 

Otherwise it might be a good idea to do the dreaded, repugnant conforming thing, or just drop out without a fight.

 

Let us know what you decide. And, good luck to your ds. Perhaps he will be one of the chosen few that are allowed to be himself and still attend. It 'could' happen.

Edited October 2, 2008 by Katia
Opps! Spelling error

[Jackie in AR]

So do they have a dress code or not? I don't see where you've answered this.

 

If they do, you should abide by their rules.

 

If they don't, I don't think they should be changing their rules as the year progresses.

[HollyinNNV]

Joanne,

I read your original post and the replies. I organize a co-op. It is a rigorous writing co-op. I do not have a dress code. I have had a couple of junior high boys come to class with funky mohawks. After a couple of glances from their peers, it was back to business as usual. They ended up styling their hair differently after a couple of weeks. No biggie.

 

HOWEVER

 

I spent approximately 4 months finding a church to host this co-op a few years back. It was a terrible horrible process. The outcome is that we have a facility that I hope to NEVER lose. I think that if the church priest had a problem with someone's hair, I'm not sure I'd pick losing the facility over a kid's right to have an alternate hair style. Now-I can't really imagine this happening. However, I've lived in the South where I can imagine this happening-easily. So, I know lots of folks have said the co-op is only in the right if there is a rule written down. However, I'd also have to say that if their church home is making this request, I also think that the co-op has to comply or risk losing their facility. I wanted to offer this up as a valid reason for the co-op to be so strict.

 

Finally, it seems like the obvious compromise for your son is to wear a hat or brush the mohawk down or something. He gets to keep the mohawk. He gets to take the class.

 

I hope things are resolved so that both sides as satisfied!

Holly

 

 

 

My son has a mowhawk. :coolgleamA: It's ok with me, his Dad, his step Dad and I presume his step mom. :smilielol5:

 

He's in a pre-algebra class here through a large, organized homeschool support group. A large, Christian, conservative group.

 

He wears polos (he did ask if he could find one with skulls :lol: I said "no".) He's on time, courteous, does his homework and gets good grades. Apparently he does ok in class and class behavior.

 

But I cal THE CALL. His haircut is "somewhat of a distraction in the hallways" and in class. :confused1::confused1:

 

He's "required" to have a "conservative look". He can't wear a baseball cap. He's been asked to "flatten or cut down" his hawk.

 

I did, as politely as I could at the moment, tell the bearer of the bad news that I believe the "distraction" was more perception than reality. She answered, smoothly "that may be but nonetheless........"

 

One thing that has not changed from my journey from theory parent to actual is that I was NOT GOING TO sweat changeable cosmetic expression. I have one child with a hawk and another son with longish hair. So what?

 

Another thing I've tried to do since having kids is to never assume *character*, *values* or anything relating to behavior based on dress or hair.

 

Having been a part of the homeschooling community for years now, I don't believe FOR A SPLIT second that this perception of "distraction" is not without *judgment* of character of my son or my leadership for my family.

 

My son is hurt, baffled and angry. So am I.

[Guest janainaz]

I don't "want my son to have a mowhawk". I just didn't care if HE wanted one. ;)

 

I'm not even going to comment on the fact that I was venting and the content and judgement in your first paragraph.

 

I second that.

[Ria]

Joanne,

 

Kids will be kids. I couldn't care less what a kid does with his hair, so long as it is free from bugs, lol. :D

 

What I would care about is the policy of the group you joined. If you joined and there was an existing hair/dress/piercing/tatooing/etc code that specifically prohibits a mohawk, then I'd say you are going to have to suck it up and either leave or ask your son to cut his hair. If, however, there was no written policy, then I'd fight and show these people how ridiculous they are acting.

 

 

Ria

[LibraryLover]

Yeah, I totally cannot concentrate if someone's hairstyle doesn't line up with my belief system.

What, is he waving the hawk in their eyes so they can't see their papers? Is he grooming himself so kids can't see the teacher? Who are these kids who have such delicate attention spans that they absolutely cannot concentrate if someone has a hawk in the same room?:confused:

I guess you can tell on which side of this issue I fall. I am constantly amazed at the ability of some to turn molehills into mountains (speaking of the coop, here, Joanne, not you. Good luck.

 

:lol: That made me laugh!

[Melissa in FL]

This cracks me up! We've been trying to talk my ds into getting a mohawk!! He's a big Ray's (baseball) fan and all the Rays got mohawks for the playoffs. He's at the playoff game tonight and I'm hoping that he'll come home and want one. When he was telling the parents at our co-op about going to the game several moms actually asked him where his mohawk was. My dh even said he could dye it blue to show his support!

 

Bravo to your son for wanting to stand out of the crowd! Tell him he has our support even if those he is in contact with in class don't support it! To my mind, one reason we homeschool is so our kids don't feel the peer pressure to do things that go against what they personally want and the kids can just be individuals. So this kind of attitude you are dealing with would really tick me off. Unfortunately, I don't have any words of wisdom, just support.

HTH

Melissa