I'm bothered by this..when parents don't behave as we'd like RANTY UPDATE #31

[Ginevra]

Kinda bummed about this right now. So, my Uncle (Dad's brother) passed away last December. He had donated his body to medical science and so, (this was different for me) there was not a funeral or memorial service for him until now. I have talked to my mom a couple times this past week, but she did not mention the memorial service coming up. I learned it was happening because I am FB friwnds with my cousin and I saw it on her page. I sent my mother a text today asking if she and dad were going to be at the memorial and saying I hadn't heard her mention it. Sidebar: it was also clear to me that mom was in communication with that side of the family because another uncle's girlfriend also just passed away and my mother did tell me that this past week. So she said "Uncle Blah-De-Blah's girlfriend died," but she didn't say, "...and also, I wanted to let you know Uncle Other Uncle's Memorial is this Sunday." Anyway, she never responded to my text today asking if they were going.

 

DH and I did attend and I hugged my cousins and my other uncle, the one whose GF just died. Other Uncle asked if my dad was there; I felt very ashamed to say no, I didn't think he was coming. Uncle made an excuse for my dad, about how he is busy with church on Sundays and I half-heartedly agreed that that was true.

 

But actually...wtf? Why did my parents not attend???? I am actually embarrased. Other Uncle just suffered a loss, too, but he still managed to get over there one way or the other. I think, if I were to ask, my dad would say it is just too hard to be there and acknowledge that his brother is gone and blah, blah, blah. Well, horse hocky. My sister died eight years ago unexpectedly and young. Nobody find it easy to go to a funeral for their sibling. But you go anyhow.

 

I am really annoyed about my dad and also that my mom went along with it; she should have told him he was acting like a baby and he cannot NOT go. I feel like telling them both off.

Edited March 1, 2016 by Quill

[Anne in CA]

Parents not acting as mature as you would like seems to be part of middle age for me. Both of my parents are more embarrassing now than when I was a teen. Actually, they were pretty cool, then. There's the trouble, isn't it. Parents that make cool teen parents were bound to behave poorly sometimes in their older years. I told my sister I was sorry about my dad's behavior at one point and she told me, "I work in the ER. I know the secrets of the whole community, everyone has a crazy relative somewhere, and I know it, so I don't let it bother me at all."

 

I'm afraid I don't have my sister's calm attitude, lol. I would have been embarrassed too.

[Scarlett]

Sorry Quill . It would embarrass me too.

 

On a side note, I have had my dad, his brother, and that brothers wife all die in the last year or so. None had a service of any kind. That makes me so sad.

[eternalsummer]

I think that grief is a personal thing and this is largely and issue between the person grieving and the person being grieved.  My dad told me (many times) that he couldn't bring himself to go inside to his own father's funeral.  He loved his father.  He wasn't being a baby or immature or whatever; his experience of grief and relationship with his father and anxiety about crowds and formal situations was just such that he couldn't face the funeral.

 

That said, my mother's generation (the boomers) have ceased to surprise me re: irresponsibility/immaturity (my mother, largely, excepted).

Edited February 29, 2016 by ananemone

[Lawana]

Makes me wonder if there were not some unknown-to-you issue between your dad and his brother.

 

But I sure get the embarrassing things parents can do. A while back I took my mother to see dd in a dance performance. At one point, dm leaned towards me and in a rather loud-for-the-situation voice made an unflattering comment about one of the performers. Geesh! What if that were her family sitting next to you, mom!

[Guest]

Makes me wonder if there were not some unknown-to-you issue between your dad and his brother.

 

But I sure get the embarrassing things parents can do. A while back I took my mother to see dd in a dance performance. At one point, dm leaned towards me and in a rather loud-for-the-situation voice made an unflattering comment about one of the performers. Geesh! What if that were her family sitting next to you, mom!

There may have been, however, my aunt (his wife) also died not quite a year ago and my parents were there for that funeral.

[Annie G]

Quill, you're not alone. My mom kept Dad in check but once she passed away it became really clear just how much influence she had on his behavior. She must have worked full time to keep him in check based on how he's acted without her to guide his behavior. 

 

A year ago we visited Dad and our oldest daughter lived about 90 minutes away. I asked Dad if I could invite dd and her dh and their three (at the time) kids over for the day. Sure, he said. I spent the day visiting with dd, fixing food, playing with the grands, etc. We had other relatives over so there was a lot of activity. Late that night after everyone else had gone home, my dad commented that he successfully avoiding talking to my dd and any of her kids. What the what?  Nothing ever happened between them, it's just that my dad heavily favors boys over girls so he ignores girl grands but dotes on boy grands.   One of my grands is a boy but he shuns that kid too because 1. he's adopted and 2. he's African American.  My dad is a peach. 

 

Just like our kids' choices aren't a reflection of us, neither are our parents'. But it's still hard not to be embarrassed when they behave poorly. 

 

 

 

 

[Lawana]

There may have been, however, my aunt (his wife) also died not quite a year ago and my parents were there for that funeral.

That makes it really hard to understand then. How uncomfortable today's encounter must have been for you.

[wintermom]

I'd be disappointed, too. It was wonderful that you and your dh took the time to be there and offer your support. I'm sure it was much appreciated. 

[naturegirl]

For me, funerals are for the living, not the dead. So I would go of my mother, sister or best friend needed me there. Otherwise I wouldn't attend a funeral. I'd rather dig through old photos of the person and share favorite stories with someone else who knew him well. I wouldn't want to attend a social function where I was expected to talk to people I don't know all that well. I don't know your parents or why thhey didn't attend. I'm only writing this to say I probably wouldn't have gone unless a family member told me they needed my support there.

[barnwife]

As another poster said, you are not alone.
 

My mom and I attended a family baby shower a few months ago. The location was very difficult to find...even with GPS and directions we printed from the internet. 

Had I been driving, I would have left in plenty of time to allow for having a hard time to get there. However, my mom and I carpooled and she drove (never again...how have I never realized that she is not a good driver?). We drove down the road once and didn't see it. And we came back to try again. When we didn't see a sign for the location on the second pass, my mom flipped out. 

I have the world's worst sense of direction so I wasn't bothered at all by not finding a place the first or second time. I don't get worried until the 20th time or so. Anyway, my mom pulled over and started calling anyone and everyone for directions. She stopped at a store. The entire time I was saying "just drive down the road once more." But it took me forever to convince her to do so.

And voila...third try was the charm. I thought all was well, but the worst was yet to come. When we entered the baby shower, my mom lost her mind. She started yelling at my cousin for the terrible directions and was even cursing. It was, by far, the most embarrassing thing I've seen in a long time.

I did somehow refrain from calling her out on her bad behavior in the moment (of course, I was just trying to disappear and not have it be so obvious I arrived with a crazy lady) or on the drive home. It was hard, but I did it....and you can too.

Edited to correct the words I couldn't spell the first time
 

Edited February 29, 2016 by barnwife

[73349]

If he didn't want to go, I'd trust that he has his reasons. It doesn't reflect on you. It might be about his relationship with his brother, the delay before the memorial, discomfort with his own health/aging, or any number of other things he might not want to share.

 

I'm sorry for your family's loss. :grouphug:

Edited February 29, 2016 by whitehawk

[Rosie_0801]

I agree that their behaviour doesn't reflect on you. 

 

That said, I did not go to my own son's memorial, thereby missing my father and my ex's mother throwing flowers at each other to "lighten the mood." That was humiliating enough to hear about second hand, I don't even want to imagine how I'd have felt if I had been there.

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Annie G]

Rosie,  :grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

Rosie,  :grouphug:

 

I'm just trying to cheer Quill up by offering a stupider story. :)

[Annie G]

It was a good story for that..not showing up is sometimes better than the shenanigans that happen when family members do attend things. 

 

 

[purplejackmama]

Oh Quill. My dad has done more stupid, immature, hurtful, WTF things than I could type out. I have actually tried to block most of them out and it would require millions of dollars of therapy to rehash them all.

 

So I have no idea about your own parents, but I'm convinced perhaps I was adopted?! Maybe? Possibly?!

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that to a large extent the hardest part of this is that they don't fulfill the ideals or values that they raised you to hold.  ((Quill))

[heartlikealion]

I would be upset, too, but I would try to remind myself that every person is different and their way may not be my way or the social norm. Dh lost a lot of family members in a short time span years ago and refused to get out of the car at one or more funerals. I was like my gosh, if I die, will you sit in the car? He said no and I realize I was probably rude to say that, but I guess I felt the same as you like you just do it. That's the way it is. But I've accepted that people are different and we should give them a little slack.

 

I was once told that you attend a funeral for the family. Once I looked at it that way, it was less about me and my feelings. But not everyone looks at it that way. And I'm not saying there can't be multiple reasons for attending.

[Guest]

I think that to a large extent the hardest part of this is that they don't fulfill the ideals or values that they raised you to hold. ((Quill))

This. Yes, it is this exactly. You nailed it.

[nevergiveup]

We all grieve in different ways.

Not wanting to have a public show of one's grief does not mean it is lesser than yours.

I did not go to my sister's funeral.  I was closer to her than anyone on earth.  

I did not want to see all the people there who hadn't seen her in years and years and who hadn't bothered to see her while she was alive.

 

[Guest]

I would be upset, too, but I would try to remind myself that every person is different and their way may not be my way or the social norm. Dh lost a lot of family members in a short time span years ago and refused to get out of the car at one or more funerals. I was like my gosh, if I die, will you sit in the car? He said no and I realize I was probably rude to say that, but I guess I felt the same as you like you just do it. That's the way it is. But I've accepted that people are different and we should give them a little slack.

 

I was once told that you attend a funeral for the family. Once I looked at it that way, it was less about me and my feelings. But not everyone looks at it that way. And I'm not saying there can't be multiple reasons for attending.

I agree with this and it is 100% of the reason I attended. My cousin has lost both of her parents within a year...it makes me so sad for her. For my own feelings, I could go or not go, but I wanted to appear to show my cousin and other uncle that I care.

 

The older I get, the more extremely similar to my father I become/realize I am. I could happily hermit away and do my little solitary endeavors all day every day. But I feel like my dad is/has become the extreme far side of that to where he cannot be moved out of his comfort zone for anything. I emphatically DO NOT want to be like this. Maybe I have just enough of my moms super extrovert genes to combat this. ;) But if there was a phrase I would used to describe my dad's interaction with people since I was a young child it would be: not involved. I think that is a sad commentary, and not one I want to repeat.

[Pawz4me]

I think the strangest thing is that they didn't even mention it to you, or tell you they weren't going to attend.

 

DH and I attended a memorial service yesterday for his aunt's second husband.  At the end of the service the pastor mentioned (warned? cautioned?) that family and friends needed to "allow" each other to grieve in their own way.  He said some would need to cry, some would need to laugh, some would need to remember funny/interesting moments and some would need to grieve in their own unique way.  His point was that there's no right/wrong way to grieve, that it's all okay.  I thought it was a good thing to include that in a service.

[eternalsummer]

I think that if you are the family (that is, you're immediate family, like your dad was with his brother, or you were just exceptionally close to the person for whatever reason), you aren't going to a funeral "for the family," you're going or not going for you and/or your feelings of obligation to the memory of the dead person.  I think even if you're not the immediate family the sense of social obligation can vary from person to person; when my dad died, I didn't feel like one person came to the funeral to support me, and I wouldn't have cared if they did.  They were either there because they cared about my dad or because they felt obligated or whatever, but *to me* it meant nothing; it was between them and them, if that makes sense.  I didn't need or want anyone's obligatory show of support by showing up to a funeral; however, other people might need or want that support, or might need or want to offer it.

 

To be fair, I also don't like rote gift-giving (birthdays and holidays), people who say "thank you" too often, or makeup/hair dye.  So perhaps I am the weird one :)

 

I can definitely understand having different values from your parents and wishing they shared your values; DH and I have some strongly held moral beliefs that literally no one else in our immediate or extended family shares, which sucks.  It is no fun loving your parent(s) but not being able to convince them to do things you know are the right thing to do!  Separate of morality, though, it's a lot easier on the mind to let others be who they are, even if they're not who I would be if I were them.

 

Maybe your dad doesn't see the same value you do in being involved with other people.  Maybe he doesn't have the same sense of what his social obligations are.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree with ananemone.  I wouldn't get down on a family member for not being there for something like this.  Honestly, the only reason I would go would be to please other people and not because there was one small cell in my body that wanted to.  I grieve in my own way and it doesn't really include showing up to something like that.  Although I'd want to avoid flack from people so I might show up just for that reason.  That doesn't strike me as the best reason to go. 

 

I went to my mother's funeral of course because I was one of the people who helped handle the details. Surprisingly it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but it was hell to have to stand there and have people one at a time go on and on about it with me.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I had to be "on".  One thing that helped was I brought my older kid.  He was a baby at the time.  He livened up the joint. 

[Bluegoat]

I think people's expectations around death observances have become really confused and, in many ways, non-functional.  THe things that they have offered people in the past don't always seem to be part of what happens, it seems like more of an empty ritual than any kind of change to see/experience the letting go of the body, or time to really connect with the extended family, or an opportunity to meditate on mortality - all of which are really useful things.

 

I  am not surprised when people commonly put memorial services off for half a year when it is more convenient, that many people don't have them as part of their grief or closure rituals.

 

While its true that grief has always been dealt with differently by different people, there was I think also a communal aspect of it, and that is increasingly lost.  People are left very much to their own resources.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think people's expectations around death observances have become really confused and, in many ways, non-functional.  THe things that they have offered people in the past don't always seem to be part of what happens, it seems like more of an empty ritual than any kind of change to see/experience the letting go of the body, or time to really connect with the extended family, or an opportunity to meditate on mortality - all of which are really useful things.

 

I  am not surprised when people commonly put memorial services off for half a year when it is more convenient, that many people don't have them as part of their grief or closure rituals.

 

While its true that grief has always been dealt with differently by different people, there was I think also a communal aspect of it, and that is increasingly lost.  People are left very much to their own resources.

 

I agree.  I like what my mother's side of the family did when my mother's mother died (yes I won't call her my grandmother).  She did not have a good relationship with her mother.  Had this all been a rushed and typical ceremony I bet my mother would not have gone.  They had her mother cremated, but waited some time to do any sort of service.  For one thing my grandmother lived far.  So someone came up with the idea to bring the ashes to a favorite vacation spot where there was a lake or pond or whatever that was (I do not know, I did not go) and dump some of the ashes in.  So my mother did go to that and it was meaningful.  I think she was glad to have gone.  It was also intimate and she was with people who understood the situation. 

[PrincessMommy]

I think that to a large extent the hardest part of this is that they don't fulfill the ideals or values that they raised you to hold.  ((Quill))

 

This is exactly the things I wrestled with when my parents changed after becoming empty nesters. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think that to a large extent the hardest part of this is that they don't fulfill the ideals or values that they raised you to hold.  ((Quill))

 

Although I think a lot of parents put on a more idealistic "face" when they have kids.  And they often don't practice what they preach. 

[Guest]

Here's a very unsatisfying update: mom finally responded to my text today (I texted her Sunday). Personally, I think everything she said was a lie and/or an excuse. She told me my dad was very angry that he did not hear about the memorial until Saturday night when Other Uncle called and told him his GF was in hospice. THIS IS NOT TRUE! The timing does not make sense, not one bit. It was Friday morning that my mom called and told me the GF had died, meaning whenever Other Uncle called, it was not Saturday night.

 

It is possible that my dad did not know until a time which he thought was later than it should have been; he might not have heard until Wed or Thur night. But personally, I think this is my dad's fault because he doesn't communicate with anybody. He doesn't call, email, text or FB. He is practically invisible. So, IMO, it should not be any big surprise to him if he is one of the later people to know things and this is a personal beef I have with people who brag that they don't waste time on FB or text/email. (I know that is a Run on.)

 

Anyway, my uncle told me that dad had said Sundays were a busy day for him (which is true). So, however late he might have been told, however much he might have thought he should have heard sooner, it was still enough time left for him to make some excuse to other uncle. :(

 

There were other excuses piled on; they are probably pretty accurate (dad has diabetes; blood sugar crashed), but they are still obviously being offered as excuses to make it seem less bad that dad did not go.

 

Sorry for this rant-y addition; I just hate my parent's dysfunctional communications (which I am perpetuating right now by not telling them I think it's a lie and a poor excuse). Mom said they were talking about going to the GF funeral which is really, really going to look like they are nuts. My uncle will probably be gracious and thank them for coming and make nothing of their absence at uncle's memorial and it just makes me cringe thinking about it.

[catz]

Ugh - honestly,. I would be super irritated too.  I know memorial services aren't everyone's cuppa, but it would have been meaningful to both you and your uncle (and possibly others) had they showed.  No one relishes this stuff or loves mourning.  It's just part of life and sometimes you just need to be an adult. 

[prairiewindmomma]

(((Quill)))

 

We've gone through some very similar dysfunction re: family funerals.  It's painful and embarrassing and just rather unpleasant. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Although I think a lot of parents put on a more idealistic "face" when they have kids.  And they often don't practice what they preach. 

For something major, rare, and singular like a wedding or funeral, it's not that hard to suck it up and pretend you're actually a good person.  

Edited March 1, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[wintermom]

Well whatever you do, don't let your mom get trampled in the middle. She's probably in a tough enough situation trying to navigate through your dad's behaviour and physical condition. 

[Annie G]

That would irritate me too.  If they didn't want to go, just own it. Stop making excuses.  Excuses just make it worse, I think. 

[prairiewindmomma]

FWIW, I think the cognitive changes that come with aging can in someways enhance the not-so-nice parts of our personalities. One no longer feels the need to conform socially in the way they once did.

 

At least, that's what I tell myself in dealing with people I love who sometimes act like -----.

Edited March 1, 2016 by kbeal

[redsquirrel]

I don't think there is anything wrong with not talking to them about it. It's not like they are going to change and it will just make your life difficult. 

 

So, do your best with the rest of the family to just pleasantly acknowledge the weirdness and you do what is important to you.  You can even say something like "Hey, I know my parents are difficult to contact, so if you need me to know something, make sure you tell me on facebook (or whatever) because I can't count on them to know things or pass the word on." and then just smile and make some comment about how things are harder for them as they age or whatever.  You can validate others opinion without bad mouthing your parents, even with a smile or a hug or whatever. 

 

And a wise person once told me that wedding and funerals bring out the best or worst in people, and it was my decision to decide which side of that I wanted to be on. That has served me well over the years.  FWIW, I also include babies being born into that equation.

[Katy]

I'm sorry...  That sucks.

[eternalsummer]

When I am feeling strongly about something that I don't think is necessarily other people's business, but they insist (or propriety demands) on getting an explanation for my feelings or behavior, I often use all the peripheral reasons, avoiding the central one, as the central one is something personal or private.

 

 

[Guest]

When I am feeling strongly about something that I don't think is necessarily other people's business, but they insist (or propriety demands) on getting an explanation for my feelings or behavior, I often use all the peripheral reasons, avoiding the central one, as the central one is something personal or private.

Yeah. I think there is for sure some of this.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: Family dysfunction often seems magnified at memorials and funerals.  Loss and grief are hard and it would be nice if everyone could be considerate and nice for that one day.

 

:grouphug: You are not alone, many of us have parents and in-laws who are aging and changing.   :grouphug:  

[Halftime Hope]

I've had to deal with similar situations a lot, and part of it is realizing that the values of my family culture *back then* no longer serve my family that well now.

 

My parents wouldn't have EVER skipped a family funeral, they visited friends and family in the hospital, kept vigil by my grandparents' bedside along with my uncle and his wife (four adults taking turns) caring for my grands in their own homes long before there was hospice, etc.  This is the family culture in which I was reared.

 

Now though, I've had to come to terms with my parents' own needs changing as they've become elderly, and it being really hard to see them make decisions that feel so...not them. 

 

To make it even harder, I've had to make peace with what is best for my family not being the same as the way I was raised.  Two of my children did not go to my mother's funeral, as we were half a continent away, they had been to see her and had a lovely time with her just six weeks prior, etc.  It was still hard though, because that's what families do, together, right? 

 

Sigh.  Quill, I'm right there with you.  Hugs.