Should I continue to all ds9 to sleep in our room?

[bodiesmom]

We moved to a new home 6 months ago and pretty much ever since my ds9 has had a very hard go at being able to sleep alone in his room. He didn't have any trouble with this prior to our move. Our stance has always been that anyone is welcomed into our room at any time of night provided they (try) not wake either dh or I (unless it is an emergency or a really bad dream, but generally speaking...).

My dh and I have tried having him go to bed earlier (he feels more comfortable knowing we are awake while he attempts to go to sleep), night lights, no night lights, varying arrangements of the furniture, soft radio music, sound machine, etc....all to no avail. He inevitably makes his way either into our room or his sister's room.

I don't know if I should patiently wait this out, or if I should become a little more "adamant" about the need for him to sleep in his room. I want to give him the time he needs to feel comfortable sleeping alone, yet I don't want to enable him to the point of causing this to become a long term "habit".

Help please. 😄

Oh, I should add that his sleeping in either our room or his sister's room does not interfere with the quality of our sleep. Since he typically sneaks in and sleeps on the hard floor, there are times when his sleep is definitely impacted.

[maize]

My BIL was twelve (and the only child still at home) when his parents moved to a new house. He slept in their room for months before eventually transitioning to his own.

 

You might consider taking him to a therapist who deals with anxiety in children, this has helped my dd8 who does not feel comfortable sleeping alone.

Edited December 30, 2015 by maize

[Faithr]

Whenever we transitioned kids out of our bedroom, my dh would lie down with them in their room until they fell asleep (often my dh would be the first to fall asleep though! Snort!)

 

Have you asked him how he'd like to transition?  Maybe you could set a goal to work towards together.  Sometimes if you let the kid own the problem, they'll surprise.  But I wouldn't rush it.  

 

Now that I am remembering my youngest slept in our room a lot, but she gradually transitioned.  We kept a sleeping bag and pillow on the floor at the foot of our bed.  Sometimes in the a.m. I'd wake up to find her there and sometimes I wouldn't and eventually she stopped altogether!

Edited December 30, 2015 by Faithr

[Ellie]

Of course. Make a nice comfy pallet on the floor next to your bed. He won't want to stay in your room forever, and the fact that you are allowing him to do it will be better than a therapist. :-)

[zoobie]

Of course. Make a nice comfy pallet on the floor next to your bed. He won't want to stay in your room forever, and the fact that you are allowing him to do it will be better than a therapist. :-)

This, unless anxiety is affecting other areas of his life. There are a couple of books I'd try for mild anxiety (many threads here) before finding a pediatric anxiety specialist.

 

I'd also sit in his room until he fell asleep if that would help. My DS liked music playing. We used an old CD player on repeat, but there are MP3 devices too. There's a recording of calming "stories" available on Amazon that my oldest liked. Indigo Dreams I think? DS preferred music. White noise might help too.

[happypamama]

Nine is still pretty young, IMO. I'd let him sleep in there, knowing that as Ellie says, he won't want to forever. I do think that if he's showing anxiety in multiple areas, you might want some outside help with that, but if that's really the only thing, most likely, it will happen on its own when he is ready. Throughout history, the idea of children sleeping alone in their own rooms has been pretty foreign, and after a big transition like moving, it wouldn't concern me at all for at least a while longer.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Its fine.  He (and you) will want him to move to his own room soon enough.  Let him have the comfort of sleeping nearby for a while.

[Tanaqui]

If it's not bothering you, or your husband, or your son, then I wouldn't worry about it.

[Guest]

My rule is come on in, but don't talk, try not to wiggle (the floor makes noise), and you must start out sleeping in your own room.

[livetoread]

I agree that if his anxiety is increasing in other areas, working on that might be helpful, but him sleeping in your room is a fine solution to sleep anxieties. You aren't bothered, he's found a solution that helps, win/win! Turning to the physical presence and comfort of loved ones to help anxiety is healthy.

 

Edited to say I'd put something more comfortable on the floor for him too.

Edited December 30, 2015 by livetoread

[Ottakee]

How old is your daughter? Could they sleep in the same room for a while?

[bodiesmom]

Thank you for these great responses- 😄

 

My dd is 12 and doesn't mind at all (so far) that he comes into her room. Ironically, she was the one who frequented the floors of our room as well as her brother's before we moved, though not nearly as often.

 

One of our trailer's bunk mattresses is stored under our bed for his use....wondering if we should grab the other one for his sister's room.

 

This is my really, really intense kiddo. He operates at a level 8 constantly it seems so it doesn't take much to set him off. Interesting thought about his general anxiety levels. I never really thought about it in those terms. That being a suggested possibility (as opposed to just sleeping anxiety) has given me much to think about.

 

Thank you everyone!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't know.  You know the Meatloaf song where he sings "I would do anything...but I won't do that":?  This is the thing I won't do.  Only under very extreme circumstances maybe.  If it isn't disturbing you then I guess it is ok.  For me, I'd be working on having him not do it.

 

Of course there is nowhere comfortable to sleep in our room.  No carpeting.  Our bed is not big enough.

 

 

[momto3innc]

My 10 year old is currently doing the same thing.  Somewhat recent move, anxiety at night (his bedroom is farther from ours that he is comfortable with).  Here's what we are doing:  He generally takes a little melatonin at night which really helps him get to sleep.  We hang out in our den which is right by his room til he's asleep.  It puts us close enough that he's comfortable (plus we go in and snuggle at bed time).

We are keeping a camp mat with a sleeping bag on top in our room on the floor.  If he awakes during the night and is nervous (basically every night) he just comes in with his blanket and pillow and falls right back asleep on the mat on the floor.  It works well for all of us.  We don't get woken up, he's not in our bed, he goes right to sleep and feels comfortable.  We just have to make sure not to step on him in the morning :)

We don't have plans to stop him.

[goldberry]

I was quite hard line about this and now regret it.  Unless it is part of a bigger issue, make it easier for everyone to sleep comfortably and let him grow out of it.

[6packofun]

 

We are keeping a camp mat with a sleeping bag on top in our room on the floor.  If he awakes during the night and is nervous (basically every night) he just comes in with his blanket and pillow and falls right back asleep on the mat on the floor.  It works well for all of us.  We don't get woken up, he's not in our bed, he goes right to sleep and feels comfortable.  We just have to make sure not to step on him in the morning :)

 

 

We're at the same place with our 9yo.  He's a smaller kid, so we were able to keep his toddler mattress on the floor in our room!  lol  His feet hang off, but he curls up and is totally fine.  Now, we have moved it out into the room just outside of our room (we call it the parlour...we're in an oddball century home) where our dog also sleeps in his crate.  Ds comes down less and less--especially because we've found a melatonin dosage that works well for him on nights that he has insomnia--and likes getting to "sleep with the dog."  :P  He'll grow out of it and he, too, started this when we moved into this house.  He has issues with different fears and such so I'm not going to be tough about this particular thing.

[naturegirl]

It's actually kind of a comfort to me to read this thread because our 7-year-old son started sleeping in our room on Halloween night and has only made it a couple nights in his room all the way through the night since. He sleeps on the floor and doesnt usually bother us. He actually sleeps in later in our room than he did in his own bed, not sure why that is. Sleeping on our brick floor with just a sleeping bag and a couple of blankets seems very uncomfortable to me, but he doesn't seem bothered by it.

[Alicia64]

I have 12 year olds now. Just my .02, but kids transition out of your bed on their own between 10 and 12. My two 12 year olds slept w/ me forever and then -- boom! -- one day it stopped.

 

If you're okay, I would just let it be. But if it's bothering you then I would go slowly and lay down w/ him until he falls asleep.

 

Alley

[MEmama]

Eh. I have a good friend whose son slept in her bed with her until he was 13. The day she remarried, it stopped. No drama, it was just time. I'm with others who think 10 is pretty young yet, especially if he's generally intense. He really won't keep doing this forever, but he pretty clearly needs the security *now*. Unless there's a clear bigger issue (someone is getting their sleep disrupted, etc), I would let it run its course.

[trulycrabby]

I think it can be a great comfort to a child to be able to sleep in the parents' room when she or he is fearful or anxious.

Edited December 30, 2015 by trulycrabby

[texasmama]

Since sister is fine with him in her room, this is what I would set up.  As long as they are both fine with it, then it is not a problem.  

 

His overall anxiety level is something to consider.  If sleeping alone is the only issue, then I would say it is not negatively impacting his life since you have solutions.

 

My little dd developed moderately severe anxiety this year which was negatively impacting the lives of our entire family.  She slept with a sibling for several months.  We sought treatment for the anxiety, and she recovered.  She is sleeping in her own room now.  Sleeping in her own room was not our only or even our main problem, though.

 

 

[6packofun]

I think it can be a great comfort to a child to be able to sleep in the parents' room when she or he is fearful or anxious.

 

I so agree with this and was thinking, if ANY of my kids had a really bad nightmare, even my 20yo dd, I'd let them hop in bed with me--and dh would go snooze on the couch so that we'd be comfortable!  LOL  I think stress-free sleep (as much as it's possible) is the MOST important issue for everyone, so unless it's too hard on ME or is coming between dh and me for a prolonged time, I'm fine with it whenever.

[bodiesmom]

I spoke with him this afternoon about it and he immediately began explaining how he thinks it is because he is so lonely. I "knew" he was, but hearing him verbalize it like a young little man just about tore my heart out. He left a very dear friend back home and this move really rocked his world. He also commented on how he thinks he will conquer this fear every night, but once night comes, it ends up conquering him. He said this with a little chuckle too. It was sweet.

 

I appreciate (greatly!) everyone's input. I feel comfortable letting this continue for now, and also love the ideas I have that everyone has offered should the time come when "I won't do that" (love the reference to Meatloaf-lol!). Melatonin being one of those ideas I always thought for myself, but never for the kiddos.

 

This is also the kiddo who still staunchly believes in Santa. I've been seriously pondering telling him, but maybe I will wait. Sigh. That's another thread. 😎

[foxbridgeacademy]

I wouldn't rush it but I would get him a bedroll of some sort.

 

 DS and DD shared a room until DS was 10-11.  DD will still at 12 come sleep with me at night sometimes (I have a big sectional in the living room where I usually sleep).

[ktgrok]

Would it help to put a baby monitor in his room, so he can feel confident that you will hear him if he needs you?

[bodiesmom]

Great idea, Katie.

I'll bring it up to him and see what he thinks.

His room was right next to our room in our former home, and now it is on the other side of the house. You may very well be onto something here...thanks!

[SereneHome]

Well, where I am from, living space was very limited and kids and parents shared a room bc there was just no other way, so to me it wouldn't be a big deal at all.

 

 

[Reefgazer]

I let it go and let him sleep where he wants. He's nine and pretty soon he'll be moving out on his own in a quest for privacy.

[HeWillSoar]

Mine all came into our room to sleep from time to time. None of them still do. It was something that just stopped all on its own. I wouldn't worry about it. Sometimes I miss those times.

Edited December 31, 2015 by HeWillSoar

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

If everyone is sleeping well, then just let it stay as-is.  Maybe provide him with a yoga mat or camp mat so that he is sleeping well as well.  

 

It's normal, nothing's "broke", so don't fix it.  :-D  

 

(says the woman who routinely wakes up with a 4 year old and 6 year old in her bed)

 

ETA:  If you do eventually want him out, I'd go for a rewards based system rather than punishment or parent-enforcement type system.  A sticker for each night in his own bed, 10 stickers = ice cream type thing.  This will help him learn to self-regulate when he wakes up in the middle of the night, rather than you having to get up and escort him or send him back to bed, disturbing everyone's sleep.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Monica_in_Switzerland