Studid things you learned not to do from experience. Humorous thread.

[aggieamy]

I know this thread is really old but I'm glad it got bumped up. Very funny.

 

Okay, I'll play ...

 

Don't try to do a pirouette while holding a plate of spaghetti. The physics involved mean a terrible mess.

 

 

My little sister did this when she was 7 or so at my grandparents house. In their beautiful dining room and got sauce everywhere. It's the only time she can ever remember my grandmother saying a cuss word. Shortly there after my grandparents got all the chairs reapholstered (spelling?) and new carpeting. When my sister tells the story it's still with a mixture of embarassment and horror.

[Ginevra]

Self-waxing.

 

Not recommended.

[elegantlion]

Happy two year anniversary to this thread. Still hilarious after all these years! :cheers2:

[zaichiki]

Do not put regular dish soap in the dishwasher. :)

 

 

 

Oh my goodness! I did this once (a long time ago :tongue_smilie:) when I was out of dishwasher detergent. What a mess!

 

Oh! Don't give the lemon meringue pie to the 4 year old to bring to the kitchen table! (What was I thinking?!)

Edited September 17, 2010 by zaichiki

[zaichiki]

Crayons. Hot car in the summer. That's all. :svengo:

[Guest janainaz]

Don't try and put mail in the mailbox while the car is still moving, it might require stitches.

[zaichiki]

Do not look too closely at what is in the chicken's beak as it walks past you in the barn.

And if you DO look closely, do not attempt to pull it out, especially b/c it might turn out to be legs. :ack2:

(It was a frog.)

[zaichiki]

IF, someone in front of you hits a squirrel on the road, and you pick it up to help it on your way to work...

Later on, when you see it running around the car, do not assume it is ok and park by the woods for it to leave.

BECAUSE you might, a week later start to wonder what that smell is and you might freak out completely when you get in your car and there are maggots in your front floor!!! And your bil might have to put a gas mask on and drive a billion miles an hour to the car detailing place who will never take your calls again.

 

I think we have a WINNER! This one gave me the BEST laugh I've had in weeks! Thank you!

[zaichiki]

Along those same lines, don't drive your convertible with top open down a dark, windy road at night. When you hit a cat that darts in front of you, you'll have to drive with it in your backseat until it's safe to stop.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

Apparently there's just *something* about dead animals!

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Miss Sherry]

Do not attempt to give a long haired, dirty, stray cat a bath to make it look more attractive so someone may want to take it in unless you are wearing full body armer or you have checked to see if the cat has been declawed. :tongue_smilie:

[zaichiki]

A few years ago our only cat that used to go outdoors snuck in with a half dead chipmunk. The poor thing was still alive but its back and/or hind legs were broken.

 

DH and I both have a soft spot for animals. We didn't know what to do. DH is a medical doctor. We needed to euthanize this chipmunk. He wasn't sure what the state would think of his writing a scrip for something that would kill a chipmunk plus, we had no idea how much the thing would need. Evidently, if you overdose someone with too much of some kinds of drugs, it can cause excruciating pain. The chipmunk had been through enough.

 

We discussed putting him in the freezer, hitting it with a hammer, or microwaving it, or manually strangling it. Obviously, none of those was acceptable.

 

So we put the cat on the deck, put the chipmunk on the deck and closed our ears to his screams. It was awful. It was the circle of life but it was still pretty awful.

 

But I never will forget my DH standing in the living room and very seriously saying, "If we microwave him too long, he'll explode. Close all the blinds in case I have to strangle it. I don't want the neighbors wondering what we're doing."

 

That would have been the end of my microwave popcorn binges...

 

$400,000 in education and neither of us could figure out how to humanely kill a chipmunk. :glare:

 

Jen

 

A long time ago we had to dispose of a badly injured mouse. Dh thought he'd flush it down the toilet. :glare: Uh, yeah... It didn't quite fit down the pipe. Dh had nightmares for weeks!

[Melinda TX]

Do not store identically shaped containers near each other if one contains cinnamon and one contains taco seasoning.

 

Because those contents are the same color.

 

But not interchangeable.

[zaichiki]

DO NOT assume that the woman who LOOKS 7 months pregnant is pregnant and congratulate her on her pregnancy and ask when her due date is. Trust me... she's not pregnant.

 

This happened to my poor dh once. But it was my cousin's wife! :ohmy: And when it's family -- it's awkward for YEARS.

[Alphabetika]

When you're a foot away from your garage door, driving the car, don't push the gas pedal instead of the brake. (in my defense, I was 15 and just learning to drive. We got a new garage door out of the deal.)

[fhjmom]

(This was in the early 80's, when I was in 8th or 9th grade) When you are wearing your brand new pink Gloria Vanderbilt jeans for the first time and are in a hurry b/c you are already late for school and your dad sends you to grab the 5-gallon bucket sitting on the picnic table in the back yard, be sure to take the time to check and see what is in the bucket before you grab it and pull it off the table...

 

... especially if your older brother tends to cure his own blood bait and there was a de-horning at the barn the week before.

 

Week old congealed cows' blood stinks really bad and it does not come out of new pink jeans easily.:tongue_smilie:

[Wyndie]

This has been the best thread EVER! It deserves to be resurrected. :)

[StaceyinLA]

run cold water in a hot cast iron skillet (the cracking sound is quite loud).

 

run cold water in a hot, pyrex pan (see note above).

 

leave the kitchen with an empty Magnalite skillet on a hot burner, especially if it's your Mom's favorite one (I did this as a teenager and turned my Mom's favorite Magnalite into a giant Hershey's Kiss).

 

try to remove extra roux from a pot (when your realize you've made too much) with a paper towel. Trust me, it burns your skin right through that towel as if it weren't even there...

 

I seem to have kitchen issues.

[littlebug42]

Do not try to clean the concrete floor in the basement with bleach if it is where you used to keep the litter boxes. Bleach vs cat urine make very strong fumes.

 

Do not put an 18 month old down for a nap in just a diaper. Cleaning poop from between a toddler's toes is not fun.

[Blackacre Farm]

Make sure you put the tailgate down on your husband's truck before you attempt to pull away from the unhooked gooseneck horse trailer.

 

Said husband will not be happy to receive a phone call telling him to come home from work because the gooseneck portion of the trailer is embedded in the now v-shaped tailgate of his truck and the two are stuck together.

 

He will be even less pleased when you ask him to please hurry because you have somewhere to go and you would like to switch cars back now that his is embedded in the trailer. But thanks for letting me borrow your truck honey!

[bluemongoose]

1. Do not try and see if you can reach the truck driving next to you down the freeway from the schoolbus window. (fellow student on bus)

 

2. Do not try learning how to ski for the first time from the top of the very looonnng run at dusk when there is no night skiing at that resort. You will be removed from the mountain by a snow mobile when the resort is closed and he is on his way home. You will have to sit behind the snowmobile driver, and he will not let you hold on to him. He will not be happy about it and you will feel like an idiot.

 

3. When learning how to water ski, if you fall down, let go of the rope. It is not fun to drink the whole lake while the boat drags you on your tummy.

 

4. When your yankee candle bursts into flame on the kitchen table, do not throw water on it. The flame will explode and you will end up with a shattered glass and a hole in the table. (my roommate!)

 

5. When you have a cousin who generally doesnt like you, do not accept the offer of a loaned bathing suit when your entire extended family takes an impromptu trip to a lake. The cousin will have given you a bathing suit that has been worn thin enough that it will become see-through when wet. Years later you will still not enjoy seeing your butt crack through said bathing suit on old family VHS that your parents insist on keeping.

 

6. Dont swim so much in the summer that your hair turns bright green and then allow it to be cut off in a very short cut and permed right before you enter your freshman year in high school. You will be called shroom the rest of your days there.

 

7. Do not pack your underclothing in brown sacks when moving and load them into a back of a pickup truck and then drive 60 miles per hour down the freeway. The drivers behind you may not appreciate your bra hitting their windshield and sticking there. (my mother)

 

8. Do not go impromptu water skiing in cut-offs and forget you have a pantyliner on. It will float up next to your head when you fall down. This is especially embarrassing in a youth group setting.

[Miss Sherry]

If you have a dh that breaks both of his wrists in a snow skiing accident do NOT let him talk the doctor into giving him hemorroid surgery while both of his wrists are in casts or you will be waiting on him hand and foot,even doing the paper work after he has a bm. :tongue_smilie: (not my dh, but dh's friend did this to his wife )

[HayesW]

If you need to pee AND need to sneeze, hold the sneeze in until AFTER you have peed. Trust me.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Always check to make sure your dh has not put his billiard balls in the stationary tub to wash them (Why on earth anyone would do that is beyond me, anyway!) before you run a load of laundry. Especially, if your laundry room is on the second floor, and there is no overflow drain under the stationary tub. If you do not do this, one of the balls will block the drain, and your entire living room ceiling will need to be replaced.

[DarlaS]

Do not go online for "just a minute" while preheating your gas grill. Especially if you've already put potatoes in it.

[Mimm]

Baking soda and baking powder are very different things.

[Rich with Kids]

You cannot fry canned chicken...

[Rich with Kids]

If you have a dh that breaks both of his wrists in a snow skiing accident do NOT let him talk the doctor into giving him hemorroid surgery while both of his wrists are in casts or you will be waiting on him hand and foot,even doing the paper work after he has a bm. :tongue_smilie: (not my dh, but dh's friend did this to his wife )

 

Ahhh, paperwork...a part of marriage I was not expecting. I made a deal with DH that because of that, he was responsible for shaving my granny whiskers when I'm old.

[Violet Crown]

Always check to make sure your dh has not put his billiard balls in the stationary tub to wash them (Why on earth anyone would do that is beyond me, anyway!) before you run a load of laundry.

 

I thought at first this was some kind of euphemism. This board has so many of them....

[Joyfullyblessed]

**Do not take the log that was just burning last night out of the fireplace and set it on the floor the very next morning so that you may clean out the ashes. The log is STILL hot and does burn through carpet! It will result in a beautiful burned mark on the floor which you will now have to cover with an area rug because you can't afford to replace all the carpet. (DH did this in our old home) :glare:

 

**At 8 months pregnant, while at home alone, do not decide it is a good time to go up in the attic (crawling room only) and move some boxes around. All of the sudden you may hit a soft spot and fall straight through the ceiling, breaking both of your wrists, but thankfully NOT hurt the baby in your tummy. (this happened to my best friend) :blink::eek:

 

**Don't believe for a second that your cute little three year old doesn't pick his nose just because you tell him it is really gross. You may go to move his bed to a different spot in his room one day only to find a whole community of dried up boogies hiding under his bed, embedded nicely into the carpet! :ack2: (this happened to me thanks to my lovely son)

[Oak Knoll Mom]

If you are a naive 8th grade teacher, do not abbreviate 'cumulative' on the chalk board. :blush:

 

Or assignment.

[Remudamom]

When you go skiing for the first time in your life, and the bunny slopes are closed, and they take you waaaay up the mountain, make sure someone tells you how to stop before they give you a starting shove.

[Virg]

Do not skip down stairs that go around a corner. The ceiling might be lower and you might get a concussion.

[chai]

How did I miss this the first time! :lol:

 

If you are leaving your dd at a pool party and need to put sunscreen on her before you leave, do not take off your diamond wedding ring and put it on top of the car... and then drive off. You will spend hours walking the seven miles to your home and only find the cheap ring two miles away at a corner. You will continue to look for glints along that road for years.

[Rich with Kids]

Or assignment.

 

:lol:

 

I was cooking snickerdoodles with DS14 the other day. I was reading the recipe as we went. We got to when you make the dough into balls and roll them in cinnamon and sugar. If that wasn't bad enough you are then supposed to place the coated balls on a cookie sheet. Sheesh...I had to have him leave the kitchen because he could barely talk he was laughing so hard. :glare:

[Guest]

Do not skip down stairs that go around a corner. The ceiling might be lower and you might get a concussion.

 

Okay, I keep thinking about this and laughing! I'm sorry.

[StaceyinLA]

water ski in a bikini, especially not behind a boatful of guys!

[ahousefullofjs]

When you are a very shy, very quiet girl and your 6th grade Science teacher calls on you to read the next paragraph, make sure you read very slowly and carefully.....................orgasm and organism are very different things. :001_huh:

I had no idea why the other kids and the teacher were laughing so hard.

Edited September 17, 2010 by ahousefullofjs

[Word Nerd]

If only there were videos to accompany some of these lessons! :lol:

[Annie Laurie]

Remember that golf carts are designed for 2 people. If you decide that you can fit three if two of them are small children, please be sure to hold onto them. Otherwise you may be driving down the golf course only to have your back tires go over a mysterious "bump". This bump will turn out to be your 3 yo who will continuously repeat that you ran over him with a golf cart to anyone who will listen.

 

Cindy

 

My 16 yr old and I just laughed until we cried. :lol: I'm assuming your little one was fine but little one tattling on you was just too funny. My 6 yr old does the same thing, because I accidentally locked him in the van and we all went inside and thought he was upstairs playing with the other kids. Twenty minutes later when I called him for his bath, and after a house search, I located him still buckled in his car seat, bawling his head off. (He was 5, and a year later he still tells everyone how mom and dad left him locked in the car all alone for a long time).

 

What's scary is it was summer in TX, I was just lucky it was 10:00 at night. So seriously people, don't do that one. I can kind of laugh but I also want to cry when I think of what could have happened.

[Annie Laurie]

If the sun is interfering, and you can't see what's behind you, do not assume that all is clear and back the car down the driveway anyway. Or you may run into the car that is parked at the curb in front of the neighbor's house, while they watch you do it.

 

If you have dangling markers in your garage to tell you how far to pull the car in, do not leave in a hurry because you're late for work and neglect to notice you've closed a dangling cord in your door. When you back out, it will pull the whole thing out of the ceiling and it will badly crack your windshield.

 

This one is from my teen ds, who said I can share it:

 

When you walk into the restroom and see a lady and a little girl in there talking, do not then proceed to the stall without wondering why a lady and girl were in the men's room, or you may come out to wash your hands and find a whole bunch of ladies staring and laughing at you. And your mom may crack up and lovingly remind you of it often.

[Laura Corin]

..all summer. At some point the vicious-looking wood wasps that were laid as eggs in the logs will hatch and emerge in numbers, convincing you that you have an infestation in the timber of the new door you put in, and causing you to call out the pest control man, who will manage not to laugh at you.

 

Do not to leave firewood stacked against the wood-burning stove all summer. When you come to light the stove on a chilly day, the very dry stacked wood will burst spontaneously into flames from the heat of the adjacent stove. It will happen when you have guests staying - Elinor Everywhere and her daughter.

 

Did I say? Do not leave firewood stacked against the wood-burning stove all summer.

 

Laura

[Tree House Academy]

And on that note, don't take frozen pies out of their tins and put them on cookie sheets to bake in just their pie shells (dh lays claim to that particular gem).

 

Barb

 

And don't take a cake (cooked in a glass dish) out of the oven and put it directly into the refrigerator. I did that once...can you say burned glass EVERYWHERE???

[mommyagain]

So, when giving a demonstration on how simple it is to remove your tee shirt over your head to your very uncoordinated 11yo son, with your husband and 12 yo daughter also in the room, MAKE SURE YOU ARE WEARING A BRA!!!!!

I just couldn't understand all the gaping mouths and wide-eyed stares! I said, "What's wrong with you people? You've all seen my bra before!"

 

"But mom......................."

[RoughCollie]

We need a ROFL button for each post. :D

[Year Round Mom]

When staying with a host family in France, do not assume you know all about the culture, even if you have studied the language for years. You might know what a bidet is, but you might not know what it looks like. Of course, you'll have to go potty eventually on the first day with your new family. You might have been shown two of the three rooms that house the various bathroom furniture (one room for shower and sink, one room for bidet and bathtub), but not shown the little closet with the toilet. (What, is that just assumed? See how little I knew!) You might just think, "Huh, weird toilet, no lid," and use it. You might just walk out to see your host sister staring at you wonderingly. If you ignore this advice and this ever does happen to you, just avert your eyes, go to your room, and close the door. That's what I did :D

[sassenach]

Do not read this thread in a surgical waiting room. No matter how badly you need the comic relief, the people around you will not appreciate your unsuccessful attempts to stifle your laughter.

[Ginevra]

Do not leave your hampsters out on the picnic table(in their plastic home thing, in the summer) to clean the washroom and forget them till the kids get home late in the afternoon. The sun moves and eventually will be shining on the table and the hampsters!! Not a pretty sight.

 

I did this when I was a child! (Well, not to clean the washroom, but to take the hamster outside for a picnic.) I went off playing for hours, gave no thought to the shifting sun, and baked that poor hamster. It's bad enough for a pet to die, but to realize you're directly to blame...well, it's a lot for a ten-year-old. :angelsad2:

[ConnieB]

DO NOT leave gold fish under the burner on the stove. You might forget to get them out from under said burner before turning it off

 

Burnt gold fish STINKS really bad.

 

Kris

 

 

Ok...inquiring minds must ask....why were the gold fish under the stove burner in the first place? We've stored our fish in pots and pans, even measuring cups and drinking glasses while we cleaned their tank, but I can't even picture HOW you would keep a fish under the burner....wouldn't it slip through the hole into the under part like all the gunk does when you boil over?

[Mrs Mungo]

Ok...inquiring minds must ask....why were the gold fish under the stove burner in the first place? We've stored our fish in pots and pans, even measuring cups and drinking glasses while we cleaned their tank, but I can't even picture HOW you would keep a fish under the burner....wouldn't it slip through the hole into the under part like all the gunk does when you boil over?

 

I thought she meant some goldfish crackers had spilled under there?

[hsmom3tn]

Haven't finished reading all of these yet, but you all are cracking me up! :lol::lol::lol:

 

 

Here are my tips:

 

1. If the automatic hand dryer in the restroom doesn't come on when you put your hands under it, don't put your face under it and look up...

(DD#1 did this. Maybe she thought she could fix it :confused:)

 

2. Do not try to save a pretty Easter egg to reuse it next Easter. (Unfortunately, I'm not talking about the plastic ones. :glare:)

 

3. Do not leave your children alone with a can of butter-flavored Pam and a bag of microwave popcorn.

 

4. Sorry, your dinner will not cook if you forget to plug in the Crock Pot.

 

5. Make sure that your shoes are tied before getting on the escalator.

 

6. Do not put plaster of paris down your disposal. :glare:

 

7. Do not keep a firecracker in your hand after lighting it so that you can watch it when it pops. (A friend did this when we were kids, and I was dumb enough to watch with her. I could barely hear out of my left ear for a few days...)

Edited September 18, 2010 by hsmom3tn