Ginevra Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Okay, yes there's a lot of negative history here, so let's just get that out of the way. I'm trying to plan a birthday dinner for all the in-laws; it's pretty much a duty, but I'm not without hopes that it could be enjoyable. I'm doing it as a Halloween party, and I really miss my nieces and nephews, so while it is obligatory, I do think it could be great. I sent out an e-mail to all relevant people, giving two possible dates; Friday and the following Sunday. I was leaning towards Friday, because DD may be able to be home from college for the weekend. However, I did want to see which day is better for the majority of family. I did get responses from two SILs; they responded to me directly (i.e., not Reply All). IMO, this is the correct way to respond to a group e-mail if it is one host. (IOW, if it's five friends trying to settle on a dinner out, then "Reply All" is best because everyone's responses help everyone decide.) So this morning, there is an email from the Thorn-in-my-Side SIL, saying she and her husband could do the Sunday, but also demanding to know "what's the deal with this dinner" because she hasn't seen anybody respond. This pisses me off on many levels. One, it's none of her beeswax who is coming; make a decision for your damn self. Two, don't badger me to have a set date. It isn't happeneing until the end of the month and it has only been a few days since I sent out the email. Three, she does this all the freakin time. She obviously thinks, judging from her behavior through many group e-mails, that she must receive every response. She often aggressively badgers people if she didn't get every response herself. Anyway, I sent an email back to everyone, saying I am setting the day for Friday (which she will probably turn into a choice against her, since she said they could make Sunday), and also addressing her directly saying, "People have responded, Marney. They responded to me directly." But I *feel* like telling her it is not necessary for everyone to Reply All for every group e-mail. The etiquette is: Reply All is for situations in which it is necessary for all members to have all info. Otherwise, you err on the side of not cluttering up people's inboxes with unnecessary information. I really think she wanted to make her decision based on who else was coming and that is why she dithered on deciding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 It sucks to deal with difficult family members. Hopefully she'll be completely unable to make the Friday date, and since she isn't coming, there will be no need for her to be included on ANY future emails about this event ... 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmasc Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Here's my (random person on the Internet) take on it. 1)' reply all' is super annoying and should only be used as you've stated 2) your SIL sounds really nosy 3) your offer to host a party sounds like a very lovely offer :) 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Your SIL reminds me a bit of my own sister. So, :grouphug: :grouphug: Reply all is evil. I do a fair bit of mass emailing and I steel myself for the reply all people. (ETA: When it's impractical to use BCC.) I really should say something like "no need to reply to all; just respond to me directly" but somehow when I type it I feel I have to take it out. Now I've noticed that people will add graphics to their replies sometimes too. What is up with that? I'm just looking for an answer, not entertainment. Sorry to digress. I can't even claim to be hormonal with my whine! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Frustrating. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I'm cracking up that you call her Marney. :lol: But seriously, isn't it annoying when one person sucks the fun out of what is intended to be a nice family get together?? Ugh. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Your SIL reminds me a bit of my own sister. So, :grouphug: :grouphug: Reply all is evil. I do a fair bit of mass emailing and I steel myself for the reply all people. I really should say something like "no need to reply to all; just respond to me directly" but somehow when I type it I feel I have to take it out. Now I've noticed that people will add graphics to their replies sometimes too. What is up with that? I'm just looking for an answer, not entertainment. Sorry to digress. I can't even claim to be hormonal with my whine! Yes, the only thing worse is Respond All on group texts, where two people have gone off on their own dumb tangent and put in a bunch of smileys and other irrelevant stuff. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I'm cracking up that you call her Marney. :lol: But seriously, isn't it annoying when one person sucks the fun out of what is intended to be a nice family get together?? Ugh. It fits. ;) She's doing TGiving this year, too....I was very seriously considering taking a trip that week, but my DD wants to make food for TGiving and wants to see the cousins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Your SIL reminds me a bit of my own sister. So, :grouphug: :grouphug: Reply all is evil. I do a fair bit of mass emailing and I steel myself for the reply all people. I really should say something like "no need to reply to all; just respond to me directly" but somehow when I type it I feel I have to take it out. Now I've noticed that people will add graphics to their replies sometimes too. What is up with that? I'm just looking for an answer, not entertainment. Sorry to digress. I can't even claim to be hormonal with my whine! Have you tried using BCC? That way Reply All only goes to you directly. I normally think BCC is a little sneaky, but mass emailing are the place for it. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 It fits. ;) She's doing TGiving this year, too....I was very seriously considering taking a trip that week, but my DD wants to make food for TGiving and wants to see the cousins. The things we do for our children... 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Have you tried using BCC? That way Reply All only goes to you directly. I normally think BCC is a little sneaky, but mass emailing are the place for it. I haven't...that is a good idea, although I think in the case of this SIL, she would probably demand to know why only she was on the recipient list. Is that how it would work? If she looked at the recipient bar on the email, it would appear that she alone got the email, right? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I reply all to small family emails planning family events. I am an only child, so that makes our email lists very small. I wouldn't be demanding or rude about it. I hope she doesn't ruin your party for you! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Have you tried using BCC? That way Reply All only goes to you directly. I normally think BCC is a little sneaky, but mass emailing are the place for it. You are right, and I am typing while tired this morning. I do send a lot of group emails, and I use BCC when I can. I don't think there's anything sneaky about it. Sometimes (often), though, I am sending on behalf of someone else who is also on the distribution, and they want to see who was included in the email. But actually when I think about it (after coffee), it happens more often that I am copied on some else's mass email, and people hit reply all on that. So those replies are even less relevant to me. I still wish I could come up with a nice way to say "don't reply all, moron" when I can't BCC. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I haven't...that is a good idea, although I think in the case of this SIL, she would probably demand to know why only she was on the recipient list. Is that how it would work? If she looked at the recipient bar on the email, it would appear that she alone got the email, right? When I use BCC, I send it to myself, then BCC everyone else on the list. So it looks like I sent the mail to myself. :-) You could also use evite or another invitation site. You can allow people to see the guest list (or not) so people can see who else is going. But you might not want to open it up to your SIL making comments and start a conversation there either. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I haven't...that is a good idea, although I think in the case of this SIL, she would probably demand to know why only she was on the recipient list. Is that how it would work? If she looked at the recipient bar on the email, it would appear that she alone got the email, right? What I've seen is that only the sender's email appears. Assuming everyone is BCC'ed. This was probably 10 years ago, but the person in charge of mass emails for a major political party in a major city didn't use BCC. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 When I use BCC, I send it to myself, then BCC everyone else on the list. So it looks like I sent the mail to myself. :-) You could also use evite or another invitation site. You can allow people to see the guest list (or not) so people can see who else is going. But you might not want to open it up to your SIL making comments and start a conversation there either. Yeah, but at this point, I was trying to get a feel for which was the better date for the majority, so I don't think that would work in Evite. One thing about it that looks so self-centered to me was that she was (unbeknowst to her) one of the last to respond, yet once she did respond, she suddenly wanted to know "what the deal" was, like, she wants everything set in stone, but only after she responds. She also used the same e-mail chain to brow-beat one BIL about whether or not she was supposed to host TGiving this year. So, it was like, "BIL, I can't remember if I am scheduled to host TGiving. Please let me know." Then, this morning, again with, "BIL, you haven't responded to me...am I doing TGiving this year?" So, for ten months, it isn't mentioned, but now that family dinners is on her mind, she has to know right this minute if she hosts this year. *rolleyes* The only "good" thing about her Reply All overuse is that everyone gets to see her acting like an a$$. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 "Why whatever do you mean, Marney? I'm just planning the obligatory family birthday celebration. No need to worry your head about the details. I've got everything under control. I'll choose the date that works best for the most people and be in touch with the final arrangements." You deserve credit for trying to make something obligatory fun. Hope it goes well. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 that would annoy me too. I have a family member who demands to have get togethers set in stone WAY way before I think it's necessary. It's totally annoying. Actually, I'm surprised she hasn't called yet to get a firm time on Thanksgiving :lol: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Oh, what a bother. This type of thing is one reason I don't love the holiday season. I am very much a cooperate-with-the-hostess type of person, but some extended family members are more the everything-is-a-group-planned-potluck people. Occasionally someone is a Marney. I've been using bcc for years for events I prefer to host/organize myself and when it's truly a group potluck, I suggest using the reply all option. It really shouldn't be so hard. But at least when a Marney replies to all, she's put herself out there for everyone to understand that it's not you... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I HATE it when people 'reply all' when it isn't necessary. It annoys me way out of proportion to the actual issue, I admit, but still. And yes, I BCC most group email things these days to avoid my mother replying to me...and then asking me some question that has nothing to do with anything on the reply all...etc etc She also sends out group texts for no reason. Oh, sorry, this isn't my thread. Sorry Quill! I am also a bit hormonal today and working So Hard not to snap at my 10 year old...I guess I did it here. Never mind 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I bcc all the time and then start with "hello all" or "Hi Winken, Blinken, and Nod" so that it's clear that the email went to more than one person. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I wouldn't even reply directly to "Marney." I'd just say it looks like Friday will work best for most of us. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I HATE it when people 'reply all' when it isn't necessary. It annoys me way out of proportion to the actual issue, I admit, but still. And yes, I BCC most group email things these days to avoid my mother replying to me...and then asking me some question that has nothing to do with anything on the reply all...etc etc She also sends out group texts for no reason. Oh, sorry, this isn't my thread. Sorry Quill! I am also a bit hormonal today and working So Hard not to snap at my 10 year old...I guess I did it here. Never mind It's okay. Share in the hormonal whining; I'm not possessive. I'm planning to guzzle some Natural Calm later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 So...what's the deal with this thread? ;) I'm kidding. I completely agree with you. Please don't hate me when I say that your Marney posts entertain me. She just cracks me up (not in an "oh my goodness, she is hilarious" kind of way, but more like an "oh my goodness, she's so ridiculous" kind of way). Only because I don't have to deal with her. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 She spoke to you aggressively. That would make me bristle. I would probably have to count to 10 and then respond like it didn't bother me. :P 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 I don't have any family divas, but there are plenty in DH's ex's family that wanted to run my family for years. When the divas tried to ruin my step dd's graduation I calmly told her that if she let them do this the precedent would be set for them to ruin her wedding someday. She got scared and stood up to them that they could come to the graduation party I was having, or not, but that she was not going to host other parties for them at other times at different relative's houses. Some of them didn't come to my party, but they didn't win about making dd have another one at her birth mother's house after graduation. After graduation she went to Senior Night with her friends instead of catering to those jerks. I do sympathize. Some people really want to run everything. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 So sorry you have to deal with her. I'd just back off and tell her only the minimum she needs to know. Refuse to engage with "Marney". I hope the party goes well! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alisoncooks Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Had to chuckle at the Reply All stuff. DH works in college ministry, and they use group emails for announcements. At the beginning of the year, he sends out a message on the Listserv, explaining how it works and instructing students to NOT hit reply all (otherwise personal questions are going out to 100+ students). There is always that one student that responds with an unintentional Reply All. *sigh* 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted October 12, 2015 Share Posted October 12, 2015 Ugh, that's why I hate group texts! I received a group text once and my phone was going off all night with other people's responses. Another "reply all" hater... It does sound like she was basing her reply on who else was coming. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Ugh, that's why I hate group texts! I received a group text once and my phone was going off all night with other people's responses. Another "reply all" hater... . Best thing I ever did for myself was decide that my phone is for MY convenience. The only alerts I get are actual phone calls and if I set an alarm. All text, email, app alerts are silent AND nothing shows up on my screen to show me how many emails, new podcasts, etc. are "waiting" for me. I'll see if and when I get around to opening them up. Sometimes I'll open to a group text with 10-15 messages. But it takes seconds to scan through and either reply or disregard. Everyone knows if they need an answer on a certain time line they must call. It's awesome. My happy medium between curmudgeonly old luddite lady vs. embracing smart phone technology on MY terms. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Best thing I ever did for myself was decide that my phone is for MY convenience. The only alerts I get are actual phone calls and if I set an alarm. All text, email, app alerts are silent AND nothing shows up on my screen to show me how many emails, new podcasts, etc. are "waiting" for me. I'll see if and when I get around to opening them up. Sometimes I'll open to a group text with 10-15 messages. But it takes seconds to scan through and either reply or disregard. Everyone knows if they need an answer on a certain time line they must call. It's awesome. My happy medium between curmudgeonly old luddite lady vs. embracing smart phone technology on MY terms. Is there any way to silence only group texts? Because I would do that if I could. My email is silent, but I want to hear texts. My kids text me and I do want those. But I agree with you about deciding your phone is for your convenience, not others'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Is there any way to silence only group texts? Because I would do that if I could. My email is silent, but I want to hear texts. My kids text me and I do want those. But I agree with you about deciding your phone is for your convenience, not others'. Maybe. Luddite-ish old grump here, remember? Lol But, I THINK you can set up individual tones/ringers/alerts for individuals in your contact list - and if so, you should theoretically be able to set certain people to have no text tone, or default to no tone except for your kids. Maybe? <shrugs shoulders> Maybe it depends on your phone. I wish you the best of luck on finding a solution that works for you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Reply directly to her: Dear PITA, Since multiple reply-alls can clutter up inboxes, most people are replying directly to me. I will give everyone time to juggle their calendars and respond. On x date I'll announce the date that works for the most people and send out more event details. Thanks for your response. I have you down as a Yes for Friday, but a No for Saturday. Please correct me if I'm wrong, Quill Resist the urge to fix her, teach her, embarrass her, or give her any real fuel for drama. I get that she creates her own, but you don't want to be an accomplice. Being clear and polite will irk her just as much, so you have that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted October 13, 2015 Share Posted October 13, 2015 Ugh. Marney. "So that's a yes for Friday, no for Saturday. Got it. I'll get all the responses together when I can and let you know. Cheers!" I would not even respond to what's the deal. Wth. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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