Jennifer132 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I prefer to stay at home. All my friends know this and they usually come to my house to do things. If I do go out, I prefer my husband comes so he can drive and help with the kids (I have five of them including two preschoolers and a nursing infant). I really don't like driving in general, but I do it when necessary. We left my hometown and moved out of state four years ago and I never learned the streets that well here which adds to my anxiety with driving. I have one newer friend who keeps hinting that I must be depressed because I prefer (fairly strongly) to be at home. She went through major depression a few years ago (she mentioned this to me, I didn't know her then). I don't feel depressed, but she makes me feel like something is wrong with me because I don't like driving or going out without my husband all that much. If a friend picks me up I don't mind going out without him though. So I do think some of it stems from driving anxiety. I have several aunts and uncles who also have/had driving anxiety so perhaps it is genetic? So am I weird, sick, or wrong or something like that as she seems to be gently insinuating? Or can I be an emotionally/mentally healthy individual and prefer not driving and staying home for the most part? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 If you're not going out because you truly prefer to be home, then that's fine. If you're not going out because you have driving anxiety, then I would say, yes, you have something (a little thing) wrong with you. And I would suggest that you work on it, so that you have options and can comfortably move around your area, in whatever amount you prefer. I would also suggest that whether it's anxiety or preference, consider if you are being fair to your friends. It's not always fair to have to go to someone else, or drive for someone else who doesn't want to do their own driving. 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 No. There is nothing wrong with you. You are an introvert. She is probably not. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 You'd know if you were depressed. Not wanting to leave the house happens when one is depressed, but not everybody who prefers to stay home suffers from depression. You might also simply be introverted and prefer to stay home. And lastly, this: . If I do go out, I prefer my husband comes so he can drive and help with the kids (I have five of them including two preschoolers and a nursing infant). In this situation, wanting to stay home and not being the driver on outings makes perfect sense. Packing up your crew for an outing must be a major hassle and being out and about exhausting - staying home simply makes your life a lot easier. As long as you're happy, everything is fine. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 You sound like a totally normal introvert to me. If your friend is an extrovert, she probably won't "get it". If you're not unhappy (or feeling emotionally dead inside), I wouldn't worry about depression. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Going anywhere with two preschoolers and a nursing infant sucks. I'd want to stay home too! I have one (crazy pants) preschooler and an infant. Very little is worth wrangling them in public alone. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 nm 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I prefer to stay home too, but if other people have to change their routines to accomodate you (eg always meet at your house), then to me that would signal an issue that needs attention. There's nothing wrong with you, but I think the danger is that preferences become entrenched and start to take on a life of their own, so things subtly shift from "I don't like to drive" to "I never drive because I haven't gotten to know the roads" to "I avoid driving because it makes me anxious" to "I can't drive because it gives me an anxiety attack". As I understand it, preferring to stay home isn't necessarily a sign of depression, although avoiding people you would normally hang out with would be. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I think when you get to the point that you don't have little kids and don't want to ever go out because you don't dare to drive, it may be a problem. Not now. There are times in life where things are just overwhelming, your plate is full and something like driving anxiety can't be conquered. You may just like to stay home a lot, I really don't see what's wrong with that while you have so much going on at home. Have you complained about something or did your friend just offer her opinion that you are depressed? Because I am not sure you should take her opinion seriously in this particular situation. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kristie in Florida Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I thought there was something wrong with me until I read about introverts. Now it all makes sense. Introverts unite! 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abcmommy Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 I would happily come sit around your house with you and I would knit. Depression is more than just wanting to be home. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Totally normal, especially with small kids and a nursing infant! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted October 1, 2015 Share Posted October 1, 2015 Sounds normal to this introvert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DragonFaerie Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I thought there was something wrong with me until I read about introverts. Now it all makes sense. Introverts unite! Introverts unite! Separately. In your own homes. :D 20 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I am not depressed, have teenagers, don't mind driving too much, like talking to people from time to time, and I prefer to stay home or wait for DH to get home before running errands. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I love being home more than anything, so personally, I don't think it's odd. I do drive and I work 3 days a week now but walking in my door, being home again, makes me happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I prefer to be at home but based on what you have written I think your driving anxiety is the bigger issue. I think you should do something about it because that will continue to grow until it has a greater impact on your life. For example, you say you don't mind going out with a friend if they pick you up. Maybe they don't mind driving all the time now. But eventually, they might and will start choosing a different friend to go with them places. There is nothing wrong with preferring your own home but if it prevents you from doing things that you want to do it is indicative of another issue. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Similar situation for a long time. It was not due to depression. But, honestly? It led to depression. Once I got more active (and forced myself into more driving) the cloud started to lift. And, yes, I'm absolutely an introvert. That doesn't shield anyone from depression. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'm similar. I'm not depressed, and I stopped worrying what other people think about it. I drive mostly because I have to, but if there were better public transportation I'd definitely prefer that over driving. I feel like many people are very hostile and selfish on the road and that they think traffic rules are suggestions that they can choose to follow if they want to or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I prefer to stay at home. All my friends know this and they usually come to my house to do things. If I do go out, I prefer my husband comes so he can drive and help with the kids (I have five of them including two preschoolers and a nursing infant). I really don't like driving in general, but I do it when necessary. We left my hometown and moved out of state four years ago and I never learned the streets that well here which adds to my anxiety with driving. I have one newer friend who keeps hinting that I must be depressed because I prefer (fairly strongly) to be at home. She went through major depression a few years ago (she mentioned this to me, I didn't know her then). I don't feel depressed, but she makes me feel like something is wrong with me because I don't like driving or going out without my husband all that much. If a friend picks me up I don't mind going out without him though. So I do think some of it stems from driving anxiety. I have several aunts and uncles who also have/had driving anxiety so perhaps it is genetic? So am I weird, sick, or wrong or something like that as she seems to be gently insinuating? Or can I be an emotionally/mentally healthy individual and prefer not driving and staying home for the most part? Based on the bolded bits of your OP, I think you go beyond "typical introvert" though I don't know if that means you are depressed or weird. :grouphug: I know you have 5 kids and I get that it's hard. But you use the word "anxiety" about driving. The longer you wait to get to start driving on your own, the harder it will be for you. It also may get to be a burden on your friends to have to drive you everywhere or to always come to your house (as has been said). When friends pick you up to take you someplace,do you reciprocate in some way? As your kids get older and need some outside activities, will you be able to take them? In my experience of seeing anxiety build in myself and others, I'm worried that you will find it harder and harder to get out of this habit of not driving. Four years living in a place is a long time to not to get to know the roads. It almost sounds as if - and obviously I am only guessing based on your OP - you are using the excuse of moving to avoid driving, since you don't like to do it. I am saying this gently and kindly so please don't take offense. I understand I could be completely off base, but I've seen similar in myself and family members. What does your husband think? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'm also a introverted homebody. I also like driving, but am more likely to want to stay home than go out. I've also had periods of depression and it's totally different. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thia7278 Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 You are in the trenches of babies and toddlers and preschoolers. You do what you have to do. Someday, a few years from now, you will find yourself wanting to go out. You will tell the kids to use the bathroom where they will wipe their own butts. Then you'll tell them socks and shoes, which they will put on and tie themselves. You'll walk out to the car and drive away. It will be wonderful. You are in a phase, it's hard. Sometimes it stinks. But it's normal and will not last forever. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkmint Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I'm a big introvert and can relate to what you're saying. I think the introvert aspect of it is probably at least part of it... people can say what they want but I believe it's significantly harder for introverts to be accepted and considered within the range of good and normal. Having babies and young children makes leaving the house enough to give anyone anxiety. As far as driving, I have that too. It's a hard one because it's not like it's an irrational fear. Car accidents are a very real possibility, and people can be evil behind the wheel. I have a friend who likes to harass me about my ways too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Several of the things you posted in your OP make me suspect this goes beyond a mere preference or introversion; it sounds more like anxiety or fear. I'm an introvert and prefer staying at home myself, but I'm not at all afraid or anxious about leaving my house, and that preference doesn't affect my daily life. It might be helpful to seek help and see if you may be depressed/anxious, and there's nothing weird about you if you need to do so. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Several of the things you posted in your OP make me suspect this goes beyond a mere preference or introversion; it sounds more like anxiety or fear. I'm an introvert and prefer staying at home myself, but I'm not at all afraid or anxious about leaving my house, and that preference doesn't affect my daily life. It might be helpful to seek help and see if you may be depressed/anxious, and there's nothing weird about you if you need to do so. These are good points. I do prefer to stay home and I don't love driving, but leaving the house doesn't cause me anxiety. Driving does not either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer132 Posted October 2, 2015 Author Share Posted October 2, 2015 OP here. Thank you for all the responses. To answer a few questions... My husband is fine with it. At least he's never complained, and the few times I've said I'd drive he tends to say that he'd rather do it. So I guess he has a strong preference for driving himself. I'm not using moving as an excuse, moving really did change how I felt about driving. I grew up in the same area my whole life, and once I got my license, I was the main driver for all my friends. When I got married, dh preferred to drive and I was totally fine with that, but I still drove daily with my two oldest (I only had the two children back where I used to live). The thing was, I knew the streets like the back of my hand and could find my way home with no issue. Once we moved, we immediately got a foster care placement and I became pregnant, so my preschoolers are 7 months apart. I had tons of appointments for my foster baby, so while I had just the two older kids and the foster, I drove every where, though I really didn't enjoy that at all. I got to know some routes in that area and drove a lot, but didn't enjoy it. We were renting and saving to buy a house, and after a year we moved again, about 45 minutes from that neighborhood, and a couple weeks later I had the baby. Once I had the baby, I now had two little kids, two babies. I did try to go out with them, but honestly, the going out with the four became too stressful, so I started waiting for dh and I'd take just one or two of them at a time or we'd all go together. At this point, I never learned the new area we were now living in, but I can go to really local stuff if need be, grocery, library, eye doctor, pediatrician, etc. and can drive further with gps, but prefer not to, especially with the kids in the car. I do have gps, but the roads here seem to be constantly changing and there are a lot of toll roads that seem to be used, and I don't really know how to avoid them (I'm cheap). So the gps isn't that accurate a lot of times. I realize my driving anxiety is probably not the norm, but I don't feel its debilitating either (yet?). I will drive if I have to, I just prefer not to. And it definitely doesn't keep me from going out with people. If I don't go out its because I really would rather stay home. Otherwise I will force myself to drive. That being said, now that I have so many little children, not much is worth me going out without another adult. It's just more work than it is benefit to anyone at this point..I do try to force myself to drive places even if not needed if I've noticed that it's been a while, just because I don't want it to become a thing where I feel like I can't drive due to the anxiety. And once I'm actually out driving, there's never really any issue with being anxious. It's more the idea of having to drive somewhere and the unknown associated with traffic and not knowing the roads and then finally getting to my destination with five children and the unknowns about how they will act or need at a given time, then the thinking about doing the whole drive home again that stresses me out and makes me decide it's not really worth going in the first place! As far as my friends, I tend to attract all the extroverts! So I have never had a friend complain about driving or coming to me. Never! For some reason, it seems people just want to be around me, and they tend to ask to come over! Lol we also tend to hang out with other families a lot, in which our children are friends and we adults are friends. So in those cases, dh is usually with me (not always). I like hosting things, so people do tend to come here a lot. We are moving yet again here in a couple weeks to a rural town, so I will have to learn the streets over again. Hopefully this will be our last move for a good long while. Baby is also getting older, so hopefully that will make it easier to go out. And also less traffic since its rural. But I really am content to stay at home, I just feel like this one friend has made a bigger deal of it and made me feel like I'm not normal (enough)! Sorry for the long post! I probably sound even nuttier now, but oh well! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I had a similar situation with moving away from an area I had lived a long time in. It was difficult trying to get around because heck I didn't even know where the grocery stores were located. Sometimes I worried that I'd finally find the grocery store, but then forget how to get back to my home. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 Do you have a smartphone that uses Google Maps? If so, you can set it to avoid toll roads. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 nm 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 OP here. Thank you for all the responses. To answer a few questions... My husband is fine with it. At least he's never complained, and the few times I've said I'd drive he tends to say that he'd rather do it. So I guess he has a strong preference for driving himself. I'm not using moving as an excuse, moving really did change how I felt about driving. I grew up in the same area my whole life, and once I got my license, I was the main driver for all my friends. When I got married, dh preferred to drive and I was totally fine with that, but I still drove daily with my two oldest (I only had the two children back where I used to live). The thing was, I knew the streets like the back of my hand and could find my way home with no issue. Once we moved, we immediately got a foster care placement and I became pregnant, so my preschoolers are 7 months apart. I had tons of appointments for my foster baby, so while I had just the two older kids and the foster, I drove every where, though I really didn't enjoy that at all. I got to know some routes in that area and drove a lot, but didn't enjoy it. We were renting and saving to buy a house, and after a year we moved again, about 45 minutes from that neighborhood, and a couple weeks later I had the baby. Once I had the baby, I now had two little kids, two babies. I did try to go out with them, but honestly, the going out with the four became too stressful, so I started waiting for dh and I'd take just one or two of them at a time or we'd all go together. At this point, I never learned the new area we were now living in, but I can go to really local stuff if need be, grocery, library, eye doctor, pediatrician, etc. and can drive further with gps, but prefer not to, especially with the kids in the car. I do have gps, but the roads here seem to be constantly changing and there are a lot of toll roads that seem to be used, and I don't really know how to avoid them (I'm cheap). So the gps isn't that accurate a lot of times. I realize my driving anxiety is probably not the norm, but I don't feel its debilitating either (yet?). I will drive if I have to, I just prefer not to. And it definitely doesn't keep me from going out with people. If I don't go out its because I really would rather stay home. Otherwise I will force myself to drive. That being said, now that I have so many little children, not much is worth me going out without another adult. It's just more work than it is benefit to anyone at this point..I do try to force myself to drive places even if not needed if I've noticed that it's been a while, just because I don't want it to become a thing where I feel like I can't drive due to the anxiety. And once I'm actually out driving, there's never really any issue with being anxious. It's more the idea of having to drive somewhere and the unknown associated with traffic and not knowing the roads and then finally getting to my destination with five children and the unknowns about how they will act or need at a given time, then the thinking about doing the whole drive home again that stresses me out and makes me decide it's not really worth going in the first place! As far as my friends, I tend to attract all the extroverts! So I have never had a friend complain about driving or coming to me. Never! For some reason, it seems people just want to be around me, and they tend to ask to come over! Lol we also tend to hang out with other families a lot, in which our children are friends and we adults are friends. So in those cases, dh is usually with me (not always). I like hosting things, so people do tend to come here a lot. We are moving yet again here in a couple weeks to a rural town, so I will have to learn the streets over again. Hopefully this will be our last move for a good long while. Baby is also getting older, so hopefully that will make it easier to go out. And also less traffic since its rural. But I really am content to stay at home, I just feel like this one friend has made a bigger deal of it and made me feel like I'm not normal (enough)! Sorry for the long post! I probably sound even nuttier now, but oh well! You sound thoroughly content with your situation. I happen to agree with the previous posters who said that your anxiety may lead down an isolating path should your friends decide to no longer accommodate your unusual quirk, but if it isn't bothering you at all, then you have every right to enjoy staying home and letting others drive for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
forty-two Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 WRT wanting to be home b/c of introversion and wanting to be home because of depression: So I'm both an introvert *and* have problems with depression. And *because* of the introvert thing, I can miss the depression sliding up on me because I'm *used* to not wanting to go places. I go from preferring home to crying at the prospect of having to go somewhere without really noticing all the intermediate steps that got me there. The fact that depression sucks all the emotion out of life delays my realization that my "calm", "reasoned" "I just don't feel like going" response to the prospect of going *anywhere* is maybe not so calm and reasoned as it consciously feels. Depression gives a reflex "flight" response to the difficulties of life, and when going places has always taken a bit more effort than not going places, it can be hard to tell when there's more going on until it's well on its way to swallowing your life. At least for me, when depression starts coming into play my anxiety starts acting up more (it provides a nice bit of panic to enliven the otherwise colorless world of depression ;)). It's less "I'd just as soon not go through the hassle" and more "I can't *handle* the hassle, why do people keep making me go through this!?!" But the slide from one to the other is subtle enough that wrt my annual battle with winter depression, I tend to wake up mid-February and realize I'm hanging on by my fingertips as I collapse in a crying fit about evening Lenten services starting, and realize I've forgotten what it's like to *want* to go *anywhere*. (Depression and anxiety go hand-in-hand in that their default response is to *avoid* whatever's causing problems; but every time you give in and avoid, the harder it is to *stop* avoiding.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 The GPS in our van has a box you can check to avoid tolls. GPS doesn't always work too well here either so I usually check Google Maps before I go just to have a reality check. I don't like driving either. I will avoid it if I can. It's just not fun. And, yet, now that my kids are older I seem to be driving them around all the time. When I had just littles, I rarely drove anywhere. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I think it's just a EASIER to stay home with small children and every day is a marathon at those ages. I don't think you sound depressed, just busy and very kid-focused. The anxiety sounds a little bit outside of how most people feel. Very few moms enjoy the driving, but most don't fear it to the point of missing easy, local opportunities. Also, most people can get around their town after a living there for a year. Your life could be made easier if you addressed this anxiety. Maybe this is what your friend is really concerned about when she says "depressed?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I just got my '89 Honda back from my adult ds. Driving it again is no big deal, but I don't even want to take his '15 Dodge around a parking lot. The '72 Camaro would be a different story if he wasn't planning on selling it as-is. :P OP, you don't sound nutty at all to me, just a bit out of sync with a nutty world. I also want to mention that I'm enjoying my home more as I get older. I'm not sure how much that has to do with having everything I need, including beloved memories, and how much is just a normal part of growing up, aka "aging". This is a sweet, albeit somewhat sentimental blog that might help you feel less "weird" and remind you that this season of your life has value: http://thelegacyofhome.blogspot.com/2015/06/an-ordinary-life-at-home.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+blogspot%2FSdBMF+%28The+Legacy+of+Home%29 The friend you mentioned in your original post sound a bit judgey to me; she might not be a good fit for you, but it sounds like you already have plenty of other friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted October 2, 2015 Share Posted October 2, 2015 I don't like driving. I rarely go out in the car, but happily I can get to almost everywhere walking. I would rather walk almost ever errand, but I'm also okay with making the 90+ minute drive to visit my family. I just find the around town stuff, in and out of parking lots, getting in and out of the car, ... stressful. If I walk the same errand I find it invigorating and relaxing at the same time. I also don't have young kids, so it makes it easier. I don't think anything is wrong with you, and you will likely enjoy getting out more - or at least have to do so in several years when you don't have little ones anymore. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TX Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 I realize my driving anxiety is probably not the norm, but I don't feel its debilitating either (yet?). I will drive if I have to, I just prefer not to. And it definitely doesn't keep me from going out with people. If I don't go out its because I really would rather stay home. Otherwise I will force myself to drive. That being said, now that I have so many little children, not much is worth me going out without another adult. It's just more work than it is benefit to anyone at this point..I do try to force myself to drive places even if not needed if I've noticed that it's been a while, just because I don't want it to become a thing where I feel like I can't drive due to the anxiety. And once I'm actually out driving, there's never really any issue with being anxious. It's more the idea of having to drive somewhere and the unknown associated with traffic and not knowing the roads and then finally getting to my destination with five children and the unknowns about how they will act or need at a given time, then the thinking about doing the whole drive home again that stresses me out and makes me decide it's not really worth going in the first place! I can totally relate to this. Seems perfectly normal and reasonable to me. When I had six kids 11 and under, I didn't go anywhere alone with all of them. Susan in TX Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted October 3, 2015 Share Posted October 3, 2015 You didn't sound nutty to me either... and if you are I guess I am too. I am a homey (and have only one baby now, other kids are older). I call myself a lazy driver...if I can avoid it I will. Doesn't mean I don't do it, but if I can work something around it I do. Running errands with 2 little kids? No way on earth! Avoided it as much as I could. I wouldn't think you are depressed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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