kimberlapoderosa Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 My grandmother died this morning and as per her wishes there will be no funeral. She donated her body to a medical school so there isn't even a burial. She was 95 and all of her friends and almost all of her siblings have all ready passed away. I have no immediate family near me and so I have no one to cry with. Any suggestions on how to handle my sadness? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: Do you have a close friend, clergyperson, spiritual adviser you can talk it over with? Someone who will let you cry and not try to help you get over it? I'm sorry for your loss. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. :grouphug: I know this may not be the best time to say this, but welcome to the forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 My grandmother died this morning and as per her wishes there will be no funeral. She donated her body to a medical school so there isn't even a burial. She was 95 and all of her friends and almost all of her siblings have all ready passed away. I have no immediate family near me and so I have no one to cry with. Any suggestions on how to handle my sadness? I'm so sorry. You can create your own "memorial service" and it can be anything you want, anything you think would be helpful. Ideas: Invite your nearby friends and make a meal for them and your family that reminds you of your Grandma. Buy a set of those paper lanterns and attach a memory to each one. Play a song that reminds you of her and let them go. Take a day to yourself with a new journal and write down everything you love and remember about her. :grouphug: 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I'm sorry for your loss. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I just went through this with my dad. He died a week ago yesterday. No funeral, no memorial. No friends really. I grieved with my brother....in person for an afternoon....now through texts conversations. I played old songs that reminded me of him....I cried in the car driving alone a lot. I had a couple of evenings where I cried to dh. I feel better after only a week. I think my brother and I will do something with the ashes together. I am sorry for your loss. :( 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momofeat Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Many years ago, one of my coworkers died unexpectedly in a car accident, leaving behind a 4yr. old and a 10 month old. I was out of town and did not even learn of the accident until after the funeral. Even though I wasn't best friends with her or anything, her death affected me in a profound way--and missing the funeral made it very difficult for me to find closure. I finally wrote her a letter and left it on her grave. Would it be possible for you to write her a letter and then leave it in a safe place? The journal idea also sounds like a really good one to me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I am sorry for your loss. You can create your own meaningful ceremony to say goodbye to your grandmother. When my grandma died, I was overseas and could not attend the funeral. I put on a CD with my favorite requiem, listened to that, and thought of her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momling Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 My grandma died recently and was cremated and had no funeral or memorial service. In our family that's pretty typical. We don't really go in for funerals or weddings or christenings or big celebrations of anything. So for me, it wasn't hard to grieve because I knew she wouldn't have wanted to spend money on a funeral or grave. I can imagine if you are used to funerals you might struggle with having a sense of closure. Making up your own private ceremony might help? Perhaps with the help of clergy or a counselor? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Just brainstorming here: How about planting something in her honor and putting a little memorial there? It doesn't have to be big like a grave stone. It could just be something as simple as a pretty stone you like. Maybe your kids could decorate little stones to put around the plant? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mabelen Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I know that I would find it helpful if I could grieve with someone who knew her too. You could choose a place of significance or just go through pictures, mementoes, memories etc together. I am sorry for your loss, take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure I have advice. We have some family members who have requested no service, but I told them too bad, they're getting one, because it's not for them, it's for the ones they left behind. If they have requests for the service that WILL be happening, I'm happy to listen. So, having said that, I'd do something anyway. Something with a ceremony, even if non traditional. Maybe set paper boats with lit birthday candles out on a lake as you tell stories about her to your children. Maybe write a letter telling all of your favorite memories of her on the paper before you fold up the paper boat. Maybe just get one of those garden memorial stepping stones with a poem about heaven, and sit outside and tell stories about her before you choose a place to put it. Or maybe plant something in her honor - a rose bush, a peony plant, or a tree. Maybe do something as a family that you used to do with your grandmother. Maybe just buy or make up traditional funeral foods, and have a dinner where you sit around and talk about her. I'm from North Florida, so to me that means fried everything and trays and trays full of deviled eggs. In your case it might be recipes she handed down to you instead. Think about it for a few days. I bet you'll come up with an original and memorable way to honor her and soothe you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 In Orthodoxy, we have prayers for 40 days after someone dies. And that doesn't include the services. My good friend is not Orthodox, but when her mother died, I gave her 40 candles and told her to set aside time each day to light the candle and remember her mother in some way. She did some beautiful things and said it really helped. She gave the same gift to a friend of hers whose mother died, so I know it helped. I'm sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 In Orthodoxy, we have prayers for 40 days after someone dies. And that doesn't include the services. My good friend is not Orthodox, but when her mother died, I gave her 40 candles and told her to set aside time each day to light the candle and remember her mother in some way. She did some beautiful things and said it really helped. She gave the same gift to a friend of hers whose mother died, so I know it helped. I'm sorry for your loss. Rituals like this do really help with the grieving process because you set time aside to let yourself feel the sadness and pain instead of pushing it deeper down. I read through the Psalms after a dear aunt passed away and it helped me grieve. I cried a lot but it was cathartic. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamiof5 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Very sorry for your loss. Agree with doing something by yourself. How well did you know her? Any cause or organization she was involved with? What about supporting them in her honor? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimberlapoderosa Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 Thanks you all for the nice suggestions. My Mimi was a huge animal lover (in particular dogs). She was also the person who made me into a huge reader because she gave me my first chapter books and then through the years continued to buy me books every time she would visit. We were very close and we spoke on the phone almost very day until the dementia took her from us. I think I will give some books to the library in her name. I am also going to make her favorite pie and share some time with my boys where I can tell them all about her. My heart is heavy. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Stupid question, but are you sure that they will keep her remains? I have had an aunt and a family friend that donated their bodies to local teaching hospitals upon their death. Both families were given the option of recieving the cremated remains. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ravin Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 In some pagan religious traditions there are times set aside for this, such as Samhain/All Hallows Eve or the Day of the Dead. Maybe just go to a place that reminds you of her and write that letter/have a chat/pray/create art in her memory as suits you. Take the time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Some cemetaries have general memorial services to honor those who have passed. Mostly it's attended by people honoring the anniversary of the passing, but everyone who mourns is welcome to attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimberlapoderosa Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 Stupid question, but are you sure that they will keep her remains? I have had an aunt and a family friend that donated their bodies to local teaching hospitals upon their death. Both families were given the option of recieving the cremated remains. After a certain period of time we will be given her cremated remains. I'm not sure how long that will be or if they will go to my Dad or my Uncle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had good advice. Any advice. My mother passed away 10 days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. She was 62. I lived in another state and flew up to where she was and she died the next day. I did not know that she had asked to be cremated and for there to be no service of any kind. Probably she was thinking that she didn't want to trouble people, but she was wrong, so wrong (I jumped all over one of her cousins a few years later who said the same thing). Those who are left behind need to get together and mourn with each other, and tell funny stories about their loved one, and all that stuff. I believe that's what wakes are for. I walked around the neighborhood with one of her friends, and we shared stories and cried together. And then I flew home and just dealt with the grief. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 There is no reason that you guys can't do your own memorial service. There was a lady from our church who was like a grandma to my kids. She was active in SO many things. She requested cremation and no funeral. Well people weren't going to give her a funeral, but we had a dang good memorial. She had impacted so many people, that it didn't feel right not to remember that. It was a simple gathering at our church one evening, where we all shared stories of our favorite memories. The family had tears from sadness and happiness through the night. We had no problems getting people to bring food, and we all shared an awesome meal afterwards. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 My grandmother died this morning and as per her wishes there will be no funeral. She donated her body to a medical school so there isn't even a burial. She was 95 and all of her friends and almost all of her siblings have all ready passed away. I have no immediate family near me and so I have no one to cry with. Any suggestions on how to handle my sadness? I'm sorry. I think closure is very important, and I've been to more funerals than most people. Could you hold a memorial event for her? They did that for one of my siblings, whose body was not located (but his stuff was). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 I'm sorry. I think I'd need time to quietly process it. I'd go on a long walk, and pray and cry and remember. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Yes, make your own ritual. And if your religion has some kind of day of the dead, give some thought to observing that. In my experience (which is only one person's) I find it a more healthy option than observing anniversaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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