JonesinIndiana Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 My mother passed away on Tuesday, July 28 in a nursing home. She was in failing health for about a week before she passed. She shared a room w my father who has advanced Alzheimer's. He was sad and crying and he asked about her a few days later, but now, he's sad and weepy but doesn't mention her. Occasionally, he has been saying inappropriate things to women (including me and my sisters) but it's gotten worse since my mom passed. My oldest sister was visiting him yesterday when the (new to the position) activity director came to the room to invite him to do an activity in the dining room. My dad said to her that she was a beautiful woman. He said he would pay her $25 if she would walk up and down in front of him. She looked at my sister and said, " Well, I guess he's moved on pretty quickly." I AM LIVID! Does she even know what Alz is?!? I wanted to confront her immediately when I found out but after I calmed down I saw the wisdom in waiting and speaking calmly. I went in to the nursing home about an hour ago to speak with her but she wasn't working. There is new ownership as of Aug 1 and the place does look cleaner. The staff has been more attentive, they've changed him from pj's to clothes each day which is a change from before when he would go a week or more without a shower and change of clothes. When I first moved back I spoke with the administrative staff because my parent's room was filthy, my dad wasn't getting a shower, wasn't changing clothes, etc. I also let them know I was aware of the rating system of the area nursing homes and that they had gone from 2 stars to 1 star, out of a 5 star rating. They jumped on that and let me know things would change when the facility was sold. We hadn't heard it was being sold. I'm ok with being the bad guy. I've been friendly and appreciative to the staff that take care of my parents. They do a great job and I've told them that. Most of them came to the viewing hours for my mom and it meant a lot to me and my siblings. How should I go about addressing this issue? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Are you sure she wasn't joking? It could be her sense of humor. Could you be extra sensitive right now because of all that is going on with your parents? If you feel very strongly about it, talk to a manager and ask them to touch base with the woman on what your father's diagnosis is and what it means. Then see how it goes from there. I'm glad to hear that conditions have been improving. Keep visiting often. As I'm sure you know, it can make a big difference. Good luck. ETA after reading the next comment, I realized I might be misunderstanding why you are angry. I agree that it was insensitive for her to refer to your mom's death that way. Sorry, I was insensitive to miss that aspect of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 First off, that was inappropriate of her to say that to you guys. It's very insensitive to your grief. Sheesh. I would definitely speak to someone about it. But.. and I'll try to say this very gently... but have you read up on sexual behavior of nursing home patients? AARP did a recent article about it: What your dad is expressing is shocking but, unfortunately, not all that unusual. I think the worker could have handled that much, much better though. I first heard about it in my hospice work many years ago and, I'll be honest, I was a bit uncomfortable. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it when I have to come face to face with it in my own family. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: sorry for your loss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I am so sorry for your loss. I'm fairly sure the woman was uncomfortable with what your father said. So she said something to break the ice so to speak. I'm sure she did not mean to hurt you but I would be surprised if she wasn't horrified that she had offended you like that. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I would not have been bothered by that, but I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humor and if I were in that AD's position I likely would have made the same or similar joke. Maybe not in front of the family depending on the mood in the room. Some families do grieve with humor, and I could see myself making that joke about my own dad in order to lighten my mood. I guess maybe that's appalling to some people. I'm sure she's very aware of what Alzheimer's is and the joking around helps them cope with the kind of comments they get from patients and the kind of sadness they see every day. In your shoes I wouldn't make an issue of it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Also - if my dad had said something like that, I would have been the one apologizing profusely to the worker and telling them that I know it was the Alzheimer's talking. I would have been so embarrassed even though I'm sure they would assure me that they understood and were used it. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 First and foremost: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I intensely wish that I could say this next in some way that will not bother or hurt you. I just do not know how to do this. Please forgive me, then, for I have no desire to make you feel worse than you already do. This nursing home sounds like a very bad one. Seriously bad. My mother died this past March in a 5-star nursing home. She had advanced Alzheimer's, but her cause of death was from something else caused undeniably by the nursing home staff and negligence. If financial resources will permit your father to be moved to a better place, please think seriously about making the move. Your dad stands a good chance of weathering the change sufficiently well. He already is undergoing change. The care at your parents' nursing home sounds inexcusable, and the staff sound commensurately inexcusable. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azalea Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I am sorry for your loss. I think the activity director was trying to deal with a difficult situation with humor. I think having people in your father's life who react this way is probably a good thing. Gently, perhaps you are turning your grief into anger? I catch myself doing that. I wish for you hugs and comfort as you progress through this difficult time. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Can't agree that the remark was "humor". Just can't. It was tacky, at best. When an older man with dementia started making physical moves on my mother, (at the Alzheimer's assisted living facility where she lived for one year), the staff immediately -- gently, but non-negotiably -- intervened to stop it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I'm sorry for your loss. do talk to the aide, or her supervisor, about appropriateness. it would be gracious to "assume" in your comments she is seriously lacking in first-hand experience with Alzheimer's patients - or you are sure she would never would have made such a remark. ;) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmseB Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Can't agree that the remark was "humor". Just can't. It was tacky, at best. When an older man with dementia started making physical moves on my mother, (at the Alzheimer's assisted living facility where she lived for one year), the staff immediately -- gently, but non-negotiably -- intervened to stop it. That is another situation entirely. I get that type of humor is not everyone's cuppa, and it probably wasn't very professional to say it in front of the family. I can see how a lot of people would think that type of dark humor is in very poor taste. But I have very little doubt that it was sarcastic humor trying to diffuse an uncomfortable and sad situation that she likely deals with every single day. The staff doesn't take it personally, some of them are probably very jaded or tired, or just have an auto defense mechanism that helps them not to take things personally or be constantly unnerved by things that happen in nursing homes. I have no comment on the quality of care being received, but I have a small amount of experience with people trying to find humor in a very sad and difficult time. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I would address this comment by letter, because I'm sure I would not be able to keep it together in person. :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I am very sorry for your loss. After my father died, I found I would anger easily. Some of the reasons were justified, but my emotions were often disproportionate to the offense. I needed to talk out my anger or pause before acting, because after reflection, i could see I was overreacting. I think the assistant director was uncomfortable by the proposition and used dark humor to diffuse the situation. I wouldn't confront her about it, because it may have been the first thing that popped in to her head. If your sister sees her again, the director may end up apologizing to her. I don't think you should say something because you are confronting the employee over something you did not witness. If your family wants to talk to the employee, I think it's your sister's responsibility to say something, not yours. Your father's comments may have been a few words or they may have continued for several minutes, making the employee very uncomfortable. Like Jean, had it been my father, I would have apologized to the employee for his comments. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Sorry for your loss. I don't know. It may have bordered on inappropriate, but it feels like she was just trying to diffuse an uncomfortable situation. I'm not sure I'd read so deeply into that. You can't work day to day in place like that without being able to have a bit of humor thrown in once in awhile. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree that your sister would be in the best position to mention this to the appropriate supervisor if she is upset by it. If he had said it to a non-professional person, I would have felt obligated to apologize to the person and explain. However, in her position, she should be able to handle herself professionally. That remark was not professional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I agree that it was inappropriate, but also that she was uncomfortable and trying to diffuse the situation. If I addressed it, I would approach it very calmly that the comment was hurtful to me given the circumstances, even though she may have meant it otherwise. i would not assume bad intent. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Think of being in her shoes too. What if she gets that sort of stuff said to her regularly? Even if she knows they can't help it, it is still not particularly pleasant. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 If you need some help dealing with the nursing home, call the ombudsman. Every nursing home has one. The information was provided when your parents checked in. If you no longer have it, it should be easily searchable on the internet - put in your state name and long term care ombudsman. They are basically patient advocates who investigate problems and assist the patient/family with issues. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I would say if she can't handle herself better than the referenced example, she's in the wrong line of business. His words, from a healthy adult, would have be hurtful and I can see wanting to say something cutting back. But, the adult children are mourning their loss and dealing with their father's inability to fully comprehend and deal with it due to his condition. Nothing funny about it. She could have brushed that comment off in any number of ways that weren't passive aggressive and hurtful. I would probably speak to a supervisor and let them know that I was hurt and that I'm not sure this particular employee should work with my parent as she may not be able to handle his behavior. I wouldn't approach the situation in an angry way, but in a "Hey, this is not right and I'm not comfortable" way. KWIM? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I, too, am sorry for your loss. I agree with Techwife. The ombudsman information should be posted throughout the nursing home. It's typically in the entryway, the activities room, and nursing stations. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I would make an appointment to speak to her, and I would, with the greatest civility, let her know that her comment made me feel uncomfortable and hurt. I would inform her of my father's condition and his recurring behaviours in as much detail as possible, so that she can understand his situation and can prepare herself for a more appropriate response the next time he makes a comment like that. I would also detail this in writing and leave a copy with whomever is in charge of care for my father and request that staff be informed so that they can properly prepare and respond to his behaviours. At the end of the appointment, I would request to follow up with her at a later date on my father behaviours and activities. This would let her know that I am engaged in and concerned about the care my father receives and that I will continue to be so. That is what I would do. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reefgazer Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I'm very sorry too. It is so hard to lose a parent. I also am pretty sure that the activity director knows about Alzheimers and what it does to people. I agree with those who think that the remark was in poor taste but not meant to be. But, of course your sister can speak to someone at the nursing home, or the state ombudsman, about it. Since you weren't there, you should probably not get involved in that. It would be good to keep a close eye on the conditions in the nursing home too. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 :grouphug: I'm very sorry about your mother. I agree you shouldn't get involved since you were not even there. If your sister wants to escalate it, then she can. I lost my father 3 1/2 months ago. It can make certain things sting more than they would normally. I really doubt the nurse had any malicious intent and was probably just trying to make light of the situation. She is probably more well aware of dementia and Alzheimer affects than most. I do think there are worse ways she could have handled it. Better too of course, but at least she didn't make herself out to be a victim. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 Yes, what she said was inappropriate; she should have been reassuring you that his remarks were dementia-related. If she is new to this job, she might not know his patient history well enough to make an appropriate comment, in which case she should have kept her mouth shut. Or, she might have just made a gaffe in an embarrassing situation, in which I would be likely to forgive and forget. I might let things slide this once, but say something if she displays patent lack of knowledge and/or understanding about his condition or behavior. I am very sorry you lost your mom. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I'm so sorry about your mom. I'm sure that comment felt like she was kicking you when you were down. You're going to feel raw about losing your mother for a long time. However, I would let this go unless it becomes part of a toxic pattern. It takes special people to work with Altzeimer's patients and take care of them every day. They HAVE to have a sense of humor about things that other people find heartbreaking or they wouldn't be able to do their jobs every day without becoming depressed. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I'm so very sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JonesinIndiana Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Thank you for your condolences. I don't think my grief is turning into anger in this case. When I snap at my husband or kids impatiently, then yes, my grief is interfering, but not this. You'll have to trust me on this. I know myself. I have worked with Alz patients and I think there are many, many, many different ways to defuse an uncomfortable situation than using the "humor" she did. Something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm afraid I can't do that but our activity room is available for the bingo game we discussed." She needs to get that line or something similar in her head if she is going to continue to work with nursing home patients. Or get thicker skin. Unfortunately, we are unable to move him at this time. At some point we might. I am aware the care has deteriorated but with 5 people visiting at different times and speaking up when something needs to be done, I think we can monitor it. And as I said, we have seen improvements in the few days of the new ownership. I saw her today but she was going into a meeting. When I speak with her, I am going to introduce myself, ask her name and ask some questions about the position, if she likes it, how long she's done it, training, etc. I'm going to tell her he has Alz and that sometimes with Alz patients the filter is gone and they say things that are inappropriate or, in this case, say something they never would have said in a million years. I'm going to tell her that what she said to my father and my sister was offensive and hurtful to my family. I'm hoping for an apology and I will let it go, but we will see. I will let you know how it goes. There is a meeting tonight for the families, kind of like an orientation to the new ownership. I probably won't bring it up during this meeting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparrowsNest Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. :grouphug: I do think the comment was insensitive, and I certainly couldn't fault you for feeling upset by it so soon after such a difficult personal loss. it does seem most likely that she was trying to move quickly past an uncomfortable situation. She may have felt additionally flustered that it happened in the presence of another person. Regardless, I think the first priority here is your father's care. If he is receiving generally good care at this facility, I would probably save my complaints for issues related directly to his safety and well-being. If you feel that something must be said, then I would let your sister take the lead, since she was the one who was present when the comment was made. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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