How do I relax and get more sleep when there is SO MUCH to do?

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I need to start relaxing more and generally taking better care of myself. I've been running on caffeine and cortisol for many years now. But I've pretty much run myself into the ground, to the point where I'm starting to have small anxiety attacks that can come out of nowhere. They're definitely not full-blown panic attacks, but if there's something stressful hanging out in the back of my head, I'll have little spikes of panic in my chest that come and go for awhile. Sometimes it will even happen for no apparent reason. I was looking at pictures of celebrities from the Oscars today, and one picture was of a group. There was someone half hidden in the back of the group, and everyone looked so uncomfortable and like they were jockeying for a clear spot in the group, and my chest started to clench :(

 

I sleep terribly because I fall asleep on the couch most nights, partly because I'm trying to get a little alone time and partly because I feel like I have so much to do that I maybe can just squeeze one more thing in before I go to bed--then I sleep all night uncomfortable and with lights on in my face all night. I wake up when DH wakes up, deal with kids and chores and school and cooking and cleaning and thinking constantly about our financial situation all day, then DH comes home and wants attention and wants me to come to bed with at  10 p.m., when I feel like I'm about to lose my mind and need some time alone. And then the cycle starts all over again! I also work part-time, which is another 8-10 hours out of my week. 

 

So if you already feel like you're stretched to the max and not doing any of your zillion jobs at all well in the first place, how do you manage to find time to relax and sleep more and do pretty much anything for yourself? Where is the time supposed to come from? I know I need to make serious changes here before these spikes turn into full-blown panic attacks, but I can't see how to do it without it impacting some other area of my already chaotic life. Has anyone managed to do this successfully? If you have, can you tell me how you balanced everything?

 

TIA.

 

ETA: Just to clarify one part--I can't really offload anything to DH. He's scrambling to try to bring in more money, and his job is about to change. The job change is a great thing, and financially it will be what we need, but it means he's basically doing 1.5 high-stress jobs right now, and that won't change for several months, if at all *sigh* 

[Barb_]

I am ironically just going to sleep, but I wanted to sub and try to remember to look at it again tomorrow. Get some rest!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I am ironically just going to sleep, but I wanted to sub and try to remember to look at it again tomorrow. Get some rest!

 

I can't, I have to clean the kitchen!  :willy_nilly:

 

But thanks :) I'll make sure I do NOT fall asleep on the couch tonight. 

[Erica in OR]

Just a few thoughts... I feel your pain!

 

A blog post I read (tried to find - zenhabits, maybe??) was about changing your view of going to sleep as being the end of the day. Rather, going to sleep is the beginning of your new day. You want a good start to that day, and the refreshment of sleep gives you the energy it takes for the best start.

 

I too tend to stay up late and try to get just one more thing done. I've found that tasks (particularly those that take any mental energy) take longer to do and are done much more poorly when I do them that late. It also makes it more difficult to go to sleep—too much running around in the brain. You might find that going to bed at a regular time and getting up earlier to work would boost productivity.

 

Erica in OR

[Random]

A few thoughts:

 

There is some research (can't find it now) that seems to suggest the sleep we get before midnight is more beneficial than the sleep we get after midnight.  My point is that if you go to bed earlier and get up earlier, you might be more rested and have more energy even if you get fewer hours.

 

Omega-3 supplements have really helped my moods and general anxiousness.

 

There is only so much any of us can do.  Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I try to look pragmatically at what I'm accomplishing and whether I'm being lazy or wasting time.  If I'm doing my best, it's ok not to do it 'all.'  If I am being lazy and wasting time, I need to stop that.  Priorities include meals and a tidy house, bills and financial responsibilities taken care of, basic schoolwork, my small business, and usually a bit of exercise for myself.

 

I have gotten into the habit of drinking Sleepytime tea before bed.  It really helps calm my mind and put me to sleep earlier.

 

Do try not to fall asleep on the couch.  Get up and put yourself to bed. 

 

Do you have a schedule for your day?  That really helps me.

 

I do feel like I'm being pulled in a zillion directions sometimes.  When I feel THAT awful, it's time to reevaluate my priorities and make changes, if necessary.  We recently made the decision for me to quit a great paying part-time job because I was totally overwhelmed and unable to teach our four kids the way I thought they deserved to be taught.  It's a huge disappointment for us, but it's best for right now.

 

Best wishes as you figure out what needs to change.

 

:grouphug:

[Joyofsixreboot]

Ok, bear with me here. I have been in your spot. I. Just. Stopped. I learned to prioritize each day. I actually made lists which is totally out of character for ADHD me. I realized all I HAD to do was keep us alive and breathing. Much of the stuff I stressed over was minutiae. I ask myself will this matter in 10 years. Will the world stop spinning? Does it matter to me? Listen to me. Really! At a reasonable time clock out. Announce you are now going to shower/bathe/read/meditate. Whatever you want. And unless there is an arterial bleed they are all to leave.you.alone. Then after half an hour hang out with them and that means putting " work" on ignore. I spent a lot of time working myself ragged thinking I was doing it for my family. It turns out they like me better when I'm not run down and grouchy. Start small. Get your half hour bath or whatever. Oh, and any kid over 5 can be a help. Gather trash, set the table, sweep and vacuum and wipe well enough to be hygienic. Can you tell this is a hot issue for me? (((((hugs))))

[fairfarmhand]

First, how old are your kids?

 

Second, I've told myself that I will be able to work better if I am well rested. And it's true. I can work much more efficiently if sleep is a priority. So no more sleeping on the couch.

 

Third. make lists and prioritize. If a day-long list is too overwhelming, split it up into Morning afternoon and evening. If you get panicky thinking about what to do, write it down. If you don't see where you can tuck it into the list to get it done, turn the paper over and write it there, for a "in case time opens up" then you will be able to go to sleep knowing that you wrote it down and will get to it when you can.

 

Fourth, what happens if you don't get to something on the list? Chances are, most of your tasks are not life-changing things, but added altogether they are stressing you out. You're probably also freaked about your financial position. Acknowledge that! Slow down, breathe. It will be okay!

[KBadd]

I never have that "perfect day" where I get everything done that I wanted. Usually this is in 2 categories for me - Homeschooling and Evening. What works to me is to Prioritize. Usually there's one thing that I didn't get to the day before or for a few days, or that really needs to be done. So I do that thing first! In the evening, that becomes my big priority with my time. Other things go much more smoothly if I do a little bit- even just 10 min a day. Here's what I mean: one day we'll do our school but not get to one subject for very long. So I do it first and in-depth the next day. We commit to having family devotions first every day. In the evening, I spend at least 15 min reading the Bible and working on a Bible study I'm in. And I try to exercise, put away laundry, pick up the house (which I do every night to keep me sane), spend time with my husband, veg out on my phone or whatever, and read. I have to alternate these or decide on the priority and let the rest go. Whatever you don't get done can be done tomorrow. Everything will be fine!

[regentrude]

My solution is to prioritize sleep. I do not function well without sufficient sleep, so my philosophy is that anything that can not get done before 9pm simply will not get done. Period.

I managed to get through grad school without a single all nighter because I need sleep. And when well rested, I ammuch more efficient and productive.

 

I don't know how old your kids are. Taking care of little ones is exhausting, and there is little one can do to reduce work load. But running a household can be streamlined so that it does not take too much time. That would be the first area where I'd critically evaluate what is absolutely essential and what is not.

ETA: When my kids were younger, 8pm was my "off duty" time. At 8, kids had to be in their rooms, bedtime stories were finished, and I was not available - only for true emergencies. That helped preserve sanity.

 

2ndETA: Try to identify time sinks. For me, it is computer. The internet is a black hole that sucks in any available time. Switching off the computer frees up that time. YTour time sinks may be of a different kind - but most of us have some sort.

[mmasc]

I agree with all of the above suggestions. I think many of us are right there with you, feeling stretched thin. I hope you can find a way to get rest.

I agree with Random on drinking the sleepy time tea. I don't think it would actually make a person sleep, but more of a routine. When I was dealing with getting very little rest, I read that a routine really does help your body know that it's getting ready to sleep. I would suggest to give yourself an off-the-clock time daily. Then do it, no matter what. The thirty minute break mentioned by another poster is a good tip for when the kids are still awake.

If you're having problems sleeping, light is not your friend! Your room needs to be dark. I'd suggest a routine to start with such as this:

9:00 (or whatever) you're off the clock

Turn lights low, lamps only

Drink your glass of tea

And be finished. Really, *finished*

If at all possible, turn off all screens about 1/2 hour before attempting to sleep. (This is hard for me)

Warm bath if you like them

If your house is anything like mine, there will always be something else I could be doing at 9:00. It won't all get done anyway, so just take time and recharge.

I get my kids to bed by 8:00 (they may or may not sleep right away). I go to bed by 10:00. During those two hours I'm 'off work'. I work hard all day and rarely sit down. By that time of the day, I'm ready to stop for my break. :)

Good luck!

[MaeFlowers]

I could have written your post only I do have full blown panic attacks at times. Im pretty sure my adrenal gland is shot. I dont know if I should be giving advice but I agree with other posters. Focus on getting rest.

My mom always reminds me that things will be there tomorrow when I say "I HAVE to get this done..." It reminds me to prioritize. I can always clean the kitchen in the morning, or fold the laundry, or whatever it is but I can't usually sleep then.

I also sneak away sometimes when the kids are happily distracted. I sit on my bed and take a few deep breaths or play a quick game on my tablet. Even taking five minutes can really help.

[Hikin' Mama]

Do less. Seriously.

 

Also, take magnesium before bed.

 

Sadie is on to something here. The do less thing. There are things in life that can be moved off the priority list, which I have realized as I have gotten older and wiser. :) Even though I only have one child at home, my responsibilities have actually increased as I have taken on a much bigger role in our business. In fact, a few years ago I had no role. :) Life continues to happen and with it things that make it more challenging and I have had to give up some of my ideals. But we are all still alive and kicking and I will have to say I'm learning how to be a more relaxed person.

 

If you fall asleep on the couch because you still have more to do, then you aren't getting it done anyway, so go to bed and fall asleep. Seriously, don't become a slave to your to-do list. It sucks. I know 'cause I've BTDT.

 

Oh, and the internet, much as I love it, is a BIG time suck. Set a timer and limit your use of it.

[JustEm]

You have to let something slip. Prioritize and figure out what is least important. For me it's cleaning so I've come to be OK with a messier house until my plate isn't so full. In regards to cooking I've startedvmaking extra and freezing for future meals. I also roast a chicken and make soup at the beginning of the week for lunches for the week. The soup is always meatless so the chicken lasts longer.

[fairfarmhand]

I do better when I remember that there are certain things in the day that make me feel "done" for the night. If nothing else gets done, then that thing gets done and that's the end of the day.

 

1. I do many one-dish meals so there's not a huge pile of dishes to wash after supper. I try to not start cooking in a dirty kitchen. I also use the crock pot and crock pot liners to help kitchen cleanup.

 

2. The kitchen is usually clean when I get ready for bed. If the rest of the house is a disaster, then so be it. I'm going to bed. It'll happen tomorrow.

 

3. Accept the fact that some things are just not going to get done. And that's okay.

[KungFuPanda]

Make a schedule and stick to it. Be sure sleep and alone time make it to this schedule. The work will NEVER be finished. We're all juggling that problem, but YOU are creating your own work hours so make them reasonable. Just let go of one-more-thing syndrome. If you have to use a timer to shut down your router at night, do it. Remember, your life is happening right now not at some vague point in the future when "things are better." Make it good now. Simplify everything from cleaning routines to curriculum to meals. Eat more leftovers. Think about how long things really take and don't put 16 hours worth of chores on the to-do list for an eight hour day. If you have no inkling of time, time yourself doing chores and write down the real time it takes. Don't make couple time an afterthought for IF you finish your chores. It's just nuts if you're making time to dust but not to be with your husband. Check out a home management system. I like S.H.E. but I believe that they all work if you stick to them.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

A blog post I read (tried to find - zenhabits, maybe??) was about changing your view of going to sleep as being the end of the day. Rather, going to sleep is the beginning of your new day. You want a good start to that day, and the refreshment of sleep gives you the energy it takes for the best start.

 

This is an interesting perspective. I'm going to try to cultivate it!

 

A few thoughts:

 

There is some research (can't find it now) that seems to suggest the sleep we get before midnight is more beneficial than the sleep we get after midnight.  My point is that if you go to bed earlier and get up earlier, you might be more rested and have more energy even if you get fewer hours.

 

Omega-3 supplements have really helped my moods and general anxiousness.

 

There is only so much any of us can do.  Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I try to look pragmatically at what I'm accomplishing and whether I'm being lazy or wasting time.  If I'm doing my best, it's ok not to do it 'all.'  If I am being lazy and wasting time, I need to stop that.  Priorities include meals and a tidy house, bills and financial responsibilities taken care of, basic schoolwork, my small business, and usually a bit of exercise for myself.

 

I have gotten into the habit of drinking Sleepytime tea before bed.  It really helps calm my mind and put me to sleep earlier.

 

Do try not to fall asleep on the couch.  Get up and put yourself to bed. 

 

Do you have a schedule for your day?  That really helps me.

 

I do feel like I'm being pulled in a zillion directions sometimes.  When I feel THAT awful, it's time to reevaluate my priorities and make changes, if necessary.  We recently made the decision for me to quit a great paying part-time job because I was totally overwhelmed and unable to teach our four kids the way I thought they deserved to be taught.  It's a huge disappointment for us, but it's best for right now.

 

Best wishes as you figure out what needs to change.

 

:grouphug:

 

Hmm, Sleepytime tea. That's a good idea. I need something that makes sleep so powerful that I can't avoid it and HAVE to go to bed. That's how I end up on the couch every night--I tell myself I'll just do this one last thing, and then sleep overcomes me and I find myself with a sagging head and a crick in my neck at 6 a.m. Whereas if I sleep in my bed, I sleep so deeply (because I'm so sleep-deprived, I'm sure!) that I can't wake at any reasonable time and end up sleeping until 11  :glare: And thanks for the suggestion on the omega 3 too, I have them and tend not to take them because they give me yucky burps. Blech. I'll try and get past that. 

 

Do less. Seriously.

 

Also, take magnesium before bed.

 

But...if I do less, then everything will just spiral downward out of control, because no one will do it! Seriously!

 

I can't take magnesium because it gives me stomach trouble (and I already have plenty of that to deal with, don't need more), but I've been wondering if a magnesium oil would work as well. I may need to start a new thread about that. I really do need something that will force me down before 1:00-2:00 a.m.

 

Oh, and any kid over 5 can be a help. Gather trash, set the table, sweep and vacuum and wipe well enough to be hygienic. Can you tell this is a hot issue for me? (((((hugs))))

 

Thanks  :grouphug:  to you too. The messier the house is, the more mentally stressed I feel, and I know it stresses my DH, but I can't see how to simplify it all that much. And my kids ARE TOTALLY old enough to help, but that's actually been part of the problem. When they were little, they just did what I told them to pretty much, so we didn't have to have too much of a routine. Now that they're older, they're old enough to see that if they put up enough passive resistance, I'll just throw my hands up and do it myself. I've tried holding my ground and pushing through, and it does eventually work, but in the meantime, it increases my stress so much to be constantly fighting with or bearing down on them all the time that I want to just cry! We're having the same problem with schoolwork. It's take so much out of me to be pushing on this brick wall EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. You know, that's probably the biggest issue, but I don't know how to deal with it without sending myself over the edge in the meantime!

 

I've been sleeping in my living room, too. That is where the baby and I often are. But I turn off the light. Can you remember to turn off the light at least?

 

I would ween myself off the caffeeine if I were you. I said ween because cold turkey I know can be really hard and painful (headaches. Dh has gone through the caffeine withdrawal before). But if you are having chest pains maybe cold turkey is better? I don't know. What you describe almost sounds like energy drinks. The whole pain in the chest thing.

 

 

If I turn off the light, that's acknowledging that I'm choosing to sleep in the living room :lol: This whole thing has been going on for a year or so at least, and I still manage to tell myself every night that I'm going to just do this one last thing, then I'm going to go to bed. What's that famous definition of crazy? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?!

 

Thankfully, I'm already off caffeine. That was really hard--I feel like I functioned much better when I had coffee every day. But it gives me such bad heartburn now that I broke the habit a year or so ago. So at least I have that going for me!

[school17777]

Maybe try taking Benedryl for a couple of nights before you want to go to sleep to help you sleep. Don't let yourself fall asleep on the couch, force yourself to go to your bed.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

My solution is to prioritize sleep. I do not function well without sufficient sleep, so my philosophy is that anything that can not get done before 9pm simply will not get done. Period.

I managed to get through grad school without a single all nighter because I need sleep. And when well rested, I ammuch more efficient and productive.

 

I don't know how old your kids are. Taking care of little ones is exhausting, and there is little one can do to reduce work load. But running a household can be streamlined so that it does not take too much time. That would be the first area where I'd critically evaluate what is absolutely essential and what is not.

ETA: When my kids were younger, 8pm was my "off duty" time. At 8, kids had to be in their rooms, bedtime stories were finished, and I was not available - only for true emergencies. That helped preserve sanity.

 

2ndETA: Try to identify time sinks. For me, it is computer. The internet is a black hole that sucks in any available time. Switching off the computer frees up that time. YTour time sinks may be of a different kind - but most of us have some sort.

 

Yes, it seems like that's the key: better sleep. My kids are 9 and 12, so definitely old enough to help. I need to find a way to make that happen. I've been thinking about telling them I'm going to eliminate ALL social/extracurricular activities until we can get on track, and then we can slowly add them back in. It feels horrible cruel, though. And yes, it would be nice if they could get the heck out of my hair before, say, midnight! (Oldest is a night owl like me and is often up late writing.) Maybe I'll re-institute a cutoff for leaving bedrooms. But then I'm back to fighting with them over that too...

 

I agree with all of the above suggestions. I think many of us are right there with you, feeling stretched thin. I hope you can find a way to get rest.

I agree with Random on drinking the sleepy time tea. I don't think it would actually make a person sleep, but more of a routine. When I was dealing with getting very little rest, I read that a routine really does help your body know that it's getting ready to sleep. I would suggest to give yourself an off-the-clock time daily. Then do it, no matter what. The thirty minute break mentioned by another poster is a good tip for when the kids are still awake.

If you're having problems sleeping, light is not your friend! Your room needs to be dark. I'd suggest a routine to start with such as this:

9:00 (or whatever) you're off the clock

Turn lights low, lamps only

Drink your glass of tea

And be finished. Really, *finished*

If at all possible, turn off all screens about 1/2 hour before attempting to sleep. (This is hard for me)

Warm bath if you like them

If your house is anything like mine, there will always be something else I could be doing at 9:00. It won't all get done anyway, so just take time and recharge.

I get my kids to bed by 8:00 (they may or may not sleep right away). I go to bed by 10:00. During those two hours I'm 'off work'. I work hard all day and rarely sit down. By that time of the day, I'm ready to stop for my break. :)

Good luck!

 

I do need to get into bed earlier, but the problem with that is that DH likes to watch TV until he drifts off. I like to read a bit on my Kindle Paperwhite (no blue light), but I can't do that and I can't sleep while the TV is on. So my needs are conflicting with DH's there. Maybe I'll talk about that with him tonight. 

 

I could have written your post only I do have full blown panic attacks at times. Im pretty sure my adrenal gland is shot. I dont know if I should be giving advice but I agree with other posters.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry. That's what I'm afraid of. A doctor warned me about it years ago, but I pooh-poohed her. I always used to say that sleep was for the weak *har har* Anxiety was not one of my issues then. Now I can see how the constant wearing down has affected me. 

 

Sadie is on to something here. The do less thing. There are things in life that can be moved off the priority list, which I have realized as I have gotten older and wiser. :) Even though I only have one child at home, my responsibilities have actually increased as I have taken on a much bigger role in our business. In fact, a few years ago I had no role. :) Life continues to happen and with it things that make it more challenging and I have had to give up some of my ideals. But we are all still alive and kicking and I will have to say I'm learning how to a more relaxed person.

 

If you fall asleep on the couch because you still have more to do, then you aren't getting it done anyway, so go to bed and fall asleep. Seriously, don't become a slave to your to-do list. It sucks. I know 'cause I've BTDT.

 

Oh, and the internet, much as I love it, is a BIG time suck. Set a timer and limit your use of it.

 

Thanks, I know you're right. I just feel like I'm failing someone else if I move things off the list. My DH is stressed in a messy house (and I am too); if I'm not couponing and looking for the best deals and shopping at several grocery stores, I'm wasting money (which we have very, very little of right now); If I'm not giving HSing 110%, then what's the point, I'm just doing the kids a disservice and might as well enroll them in school; it's not fair to keep them trapped at home along with my introverted self all the time, so they NEED their social stuff and extras, and so on. It's so hard to see what could come off the list without hurting anyone. 

 

You have to let something slip. Prioritize and figure out what is least important. For me it's cleaning so I've come to be OK with a messier house until my plate isn't so full. In regards to cooking I've startedvmaking extra and freezing for future meals. I also roast a chicken and make soup at the beginning of the week for lunches for the week. The soup is always meatless so the chicken lasts longer.

 

Hmmm, the soup is a good idea! I try and have leftovers for lunches each day, but sometimes there aren't any and I'm scrambling. That would solve that one problem at least!

 

Hugs.

 

I'm in the same boat as you. I was on the couch last night too. Interested to hear what advice you receive.

 

:grouphug:  If I figure out a magical solution, I'll be sure to share it with you.

 

I do better when I remember that there are certain things in the day that make me feel "done" for the night. If nothing else gets done, then that thing gets done and that's the end of the day.

 

1. I do many one-dish meals so there's not a huge pile of dishes to wash after supper. I try to not start cooking in a dirty kitchen. I also use the crock pot and crock pot liners to help kitchen cleanup.

 

2. The kitchen is usually clean when I get ready for bed. If the rest of the house is a disaster, then so be it. I'm going to bed. It'll happen tomorrow.

 

3. Accept the fact that some things are just not going to get done. And that's okay.

 

But will it happen tomorrow? Sometimes I think that, only to get bombarded with tomorrow's stuff and never get back to the leftover stuff from today :(

 

Remember, your life is happening right now not at some vague point in the future when "things are better." Make it good now.

 

This is really starting to make itself known to me, and it's definitely a concern. For years I thought, "Well, things will be easier when we're done HSing." But then, the kids will be gone! And in the meantime, I'm seriously worried that I'm working myself toward a nervous breakdown--literally. 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Maybe try taking Benedryl for a couple of nights before you want to go to sleep to help you sleep. Don't let yourself fall asleep on the couch, force yourself to go to your bed.

 

I'll tell you, I don't like to do that kind of thing, but right now the idea is extremely tempting--if only to just get a head start on a better sleep schedule! I'll consider it if just doing it myself doesn't work. If I go to bed early, my brain tends to race and make me crazy, and I often end up just getting up again because I can't sleep anyway. 

[TammyS]

 but I can't see how to do it without it impacting some other area of my already chaotic life.

 

You can't.  If you want to change, you are going to have to commit murder.  That is, you are going to have to murder (give up) something that you want less than the change that you desire.  I use the term "murder" to emphasize that giving something up is a negative and you have to be willing to make that sacrifice.  If you don't want to, or believe you can't, then the absolute best thing you can do is to learn to accept your life the way that it is, because being unhappy about things that you can't/won't change is the short road to misery.  It's like being mad about the weather: changes nothing, but does make you miserable.

 

So the question is...what are you willing to murder to bring the change that you need/want?

 

Personally, I would look toward your school day and see if you can build some quiet time into the day.  At our house that's 2-4.  Children young enough for naps sleep, older children know that mommy goes to her room and you don't bother her unless there is blood or fire.  This is how I resist the temptation to stay up too late and exhaust myself trying to get "me time" late at night.

 

But I have to murder certain things in order to accomplish this.  We have no regular commitments out of the house in the afternoon.  I do not have company in the mid-afternoon.  Older kids may not ask for help with schoolwork from 2-4.  These are real sacrifices, but they are how I keep my sanity.

[regentrude]

Yes, it seems like that's the key: better sleep. My kids are 9 and 12, so definitely old enough to help. I need to find a way to make that happen. I've been thinking about telling them I'm going to eliminate ALL social/extracurricular activities until we can get on track, and then we can slowly add them back in. It feels horrible cruel, though. And yes, it would be nice if they could get the heck out of my hair before, say, midnight! (Oldest is a night owl like me and is often up late writing.) Maybe I'll re-institute a cutoff for leaving bedrooms. But then I'm back to fighting with them over that too...

 

At 9 and 12, kids should have no trouble dealing without you after dinner. You don't have to have a cutoff for leaving bedrooms - they just need to understand that they can't bug YOU.

What do you mean by "get on track"? What is the "so much to do" that bugs you most? You don't have littles that require your attention at every hour of the day or night, so you should be able to set your own schedule.

There is a lot of housework that can be streamlined or omitted. And your kids can certainly help. But again, I think the key is to eliminate unnecessary tasks.

 

ETA: You say you are stressed by a messy house. Avoid the mess. Nip it in the bud. Every thing needs to have a place where it belongs; it does not take more time to restore an item to its home than to place it somewhere random. Confine the kids' mess to their rooms and close the door; they can be messy as they like and you don't have to see it - just enforce that they remove their stuff from common areas. This would be my number one action: make the kids take their stuff out of the living room/kitchen. If that is gone, you are in perfect control whether there is mess or not.

[regentrude]

 

I do need to get into bed earlier, but the problem with that is that DH likes to watch TV until he drifts off. I like to read a bit on my Kindle Paperwhite (no blue light), but I can't do that and I can't sleep while the TV is on. So my needs are conflicting with DH's there. Maybe I'll talk about that with him tonight. 

 

That's a very unhealthy habit. He should be watching TV in the living room so YOU can sleep in the BED. I'd say your need for healthy sleep should trump DH's want for TV.

[Plateau Mama]

I've been there. Literally, with depression and panic attacks. My dr finally said I think your issues all stem from lack of sleep. (My second child did not sleep through the night for 2 years and my first was up with the sun.). He wrote me a prescription for two things.

 

1. An hour a day to myself not working. I was to spend that on myself.

2. Sleep. DH had to get up 2 nights a week with kids.

 

Yes, my dr actually wrote me a prescription for this and told ne to give it to my husband (we have the same dr).

 

So, I figured out how much sleep I need and what time I wanted to get up each morning. It has changed thru the years but currently I go to bed at 10 every night. I wake up at 6, usually earlier, naturally. I rarely ever stay up past 10, even on weekends.

 

Second, I set a time when I am done for the day. Usually it is around 8. I don't do chores or dishes or anything. This gives me two hours of down time a day.

 

It wont ever all be done and you will make yourself crazy trying to get there. If the dishes don't get done the world won't end. Eventually you will run out of dishes and have to wash them. Same with the laundry. If everything gets done eventually that is fine. You have to learn to be ok with good enough. Last weekend I folded laundry. The laundry had been there for two weeks. That was good enough.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

You can't.  If you want to change, you are going to have to commit murder.  That is, you are going to have to murder (give up) something that you want less than the change that you desire.

 

Thanks, that is a point-blank way to look at it, which is, frankly, the bottom line.

 

At 9 and 12, kids should have no trouble dealing without you after dinner. You don't have to have a cutoff for leaving bedrooms - they just need to understand that they can't bug YOU.

 

They are definitely old enough, but they want me. They love me and want my attention and cuddles and water-bringing skills and input. How can I say no to that? I feel like a horrible grinch saying no to them at night, because it won't be long before they're like, "Get out of my room and shut the door." DD12 is nearly already there! And yet, I'm not as kind as I wish I could be, because I'm the one who's like, "Get out of my room and shut the door!"

 

What is the "so much to do" that bugs you most? You don't have littles that require your attention at every hour of the day or night, so you should be able to set your own schedule.

There is a lot of housework that can be streamlined or omitted. And your kids can certainly help. But again, I think the key is to eliminate unnecessary tasks.

 

ETA: You say you are stressed by a messy house. Avoid the mess. Nip it in the bud. Every thing needs to have a place where it belongs; it does not take more time to restore an item to its home than to place it somewhere random. Confine the kids' mess to their rooms and close the door; they can be messy as they like and you don't have to see it - just enforce that they remove their stuff from common areas. This would be my number one action: make the kids take their stuff out of the living room/kitchen. If that is gone, you are in perfect control whether there is mess or not.

 

 

Honestly, I don't know WTH I do all day! I just know that I am constantly struggling with...stuff! Bills, papers, phone calls to annoyed lawn service guys (with whom I am supremely annoyed as well), food, cleaning up after food, laundry, lessons/lesson plans, requests for get-togethers, things I need to buy for co-op contributions (that then I need to struggle to remember to bring), packages that need shipping back because Amazon didn't ship what they were supposed to, plus now I need to go buy the thing I needed in the first place, dress shopping for the whole dang household for a formal event, then returning all the stuff that didn't work, my paid work (which is growing--great for our budget, not great for my sanity), reading and discussion development for our book group, following up on whether youngest DD has done her work for her outside class, trying to find yet ANOTHER new way to help her understand math, trying to find some way to afford an evaluation for her that I was hoping we could avoid if I could just find the key to helping her understand math, getting the garbage out before the truck turns the corner, finding a way to fit all the recycling into the bins because it never got put out last time... And it seems like every time we get past one big distraction, another one pops right up. We just got past the big formal event that took up a lot of time, then there was a death in the extended family. Got past that and now youngest DD is sick and I'm worried we're headed for pneumonia again, so now there are doctor's appointments to make, prescriptions to fill and remember to administer, an agitated and worried and fussy and sleep-deprived kid who pretty much wishes I could carry her around on my back... I feel like I can't get even get my feet under me, and as soon as I do, I get knocked right back over. Does that make any sense? It feels like I'm in a constant scramble just to get the basics done around here. 

 

And I would love to have a place for everything, but that would involve getting rid of some of the stuff that lives here already (which really isn't even a whole lot, this house just has NO storage  :glare: ), and that's another whole effort I don't have time for. We spent the weekend cleaning out bedrooms--the girls did theirs and I did mine. It was a two-day project, and it was fairly successful. DH is very pleased with how our room looks now, and the girls can walk in theirs. However, that was two days of schoolwork and main house upkeep that I lost, so now we're behind on those. I can't seem to dedicate time to any sort of life-improvement project without falling completely behind in everything else. 

 

Ugh. 

 

That's a very unhealthy habit. He should be watching TV in the living room so YOU can sleep in the BED. I'd say your need for healthy sleep should trump DH's want for TV.

 

I completely agree with you. I really hate that he turns on the TV when he comes home from work and has it on in some capacity until he falls asleep at night (he sets the sleep timer). But that's how he relaxes, and he really, REALLY does not take it well when I try to bring the subject up with him. And given that he's working a 60-hour week (plus 10 hours of drive time) and has no real time for anything else (even his gym time has dropped way down), I'm reluctant to take it from him. I suspect he'd be willing to watch in the living room so that I could go to bed though--he really wants me back in the bed. 

[fairfarmhand]

"Dear children, mommy is exhausted.
This is one reason she is crabby and short with you. For the next month, we are instituting a stay-home policy for mommy to get rested. So this means that we will stay home and figure out better routines for dealing with the household stuff. Mommies have feelings too, and mom wants to be a great mom. Somehow, everything has to get done and mom has to get to bed at x o'clock. This does not mean that mom doesn't love you. It actually means that mom wants to be the best possible mom ever for you and has been selling her own needs short for a very long time. "

 

Then I would begin boot camp. I would put aside all school except for basic math, and english for a week or two and instead do a major clean out and reorganization of the house. During this time, I would work out a chart for each day of the week. Monday--Clean kitchen (this means that one child cleans out the fridge and wipes baseboards, the other washes cupboards and cleans the microwave, and you mop the floor.) Tuesday--Clean the living room (this means that you dust, one kid vacuums and wipes baseboards, one kid vacuums the couch and cleans the windows) Wednesday--Clean the bathrooms (one kid cleans toilets, one kid scrubs tubs and you wipe  the counters and clean the mirror) Thursday-- Focus on the bedrooms, dividing the labor that way. Friday-Saturday are laundry days, and Sunday--Rest If you work like this you and your kids will only need to spend less than 30 minutes each day cleaning.

 

If you and your children tackle the housecleaning like this one day after another, the whole house won't be spotless at the same time, but it won't be filthy either.

 

Every night after supper, One kid does the dishes, either loading or washing. You will wipe down counters and wash pots. Other child should sweep the floor.

 

Another advantage to working together is that nobody can slip away without properly finishing the work and you can instruct them on what to do next to improve the work. Don't expect to be able to send them to a place and have them come out with the work properly done for years!

 

Making the kids go to their rooms and stay there is not being unkind. It's actually teaching them to respect the limitations of others. If it makes you feel better, before bed time (say starting at 8:30), spend 30 minutes of cuddling, chatting, and singing with the 9 yo, and then say good night, please don't come out of your room and talk to me. You may stay up but if you bug me, it's lights out time.  Then do the same thing with the 12 yo. I've found if I can give some undivided attention to my kids, one on one when they are bugging me, they actually will be okay with me setting the limits.

 

Does that help?

 

Before the kids go to bed, have them do a quick pick up and straighten up of the main living areas so you can sit down and rest for 30 minutes or so before you hit the hay.

[strange_girl]

You poor thing! You are stretched way too thin! You need HELP!

 

My first thoughts went like this: your kids are way too old to be giving you an attitude about helping out. I would set aside everything (schoolwork, co-op, outside activities) until you guys can work out a chore schedule that you can work with. And that means kids getting up off their butts and helping you (yeah, I'm looking at you, kids!) with acceptable attitudes. Your kids are old enough to do their own laundry (any of them over 6 or 7 anyway; I'm not clear on how old your younger two are), keep their own spaces clean, take their own junk out of your way, and do light cooking (12-year-old can cook almost anything). They are old enough to clean toilets and take out trash.

 

With kids of 9 and 12, you shouldn't be drowning under housework. They should be doing a lot themselves! No, this is not bad or mean parenting. By allowing them to manipulate you into getting out of responsibility, you are doing them a disservice. You are not preparing them for higher education or real life. (Okay, that came out really judgy, and I didn't mean it that way. Sorry!)

 

But, seriously. These kids need to start helping out. And bedtime is bedtime. It is not Come Out of Your Room 17 Times to Bug Mom time. It really isn't.

 

(((Hugs))). I hope you can get some good sleep and start feeling like yourself again soon!

[TammyS]

They are definitely old enough, but they want me. They love me and want my attention and cuddles and water-bringing skills and input. How can I say no to that?

 

Like this, "No." 

 

Seriously, do you want to raise them to believe that love means being available for another person's non-important whims 24/7?  Would you want either of them to marry someone who expected your children to give that person attention every minute of the day, regardless of how much your child needs some down time?  Do you want your daughter to have a husband who doesn't let her go out with friends because he "needs" her at home every, single night? Do you want your son to have one of those wives that calls him every 5 minutes when he's out of the house, because she's jealous of his time at Lowe's? Part of your job is to teach them appropriate relationship boundaries so that they can healthy relationships as adults.  It sounds like you aren't doing that.  You are their first and probably most important teacher about relationships and respecting their own and others needs.  Ask yourself seriously if you are modeling the kind of relationship dynamics you want them to take into their adult lives.

 

At my house, we call it the "blood or fire" rule.  If you are over 4 years old, you had better not bother me during quiet time (or when I'm in the bathroom) unless there is blood or fire.  If you are over 10 years old, it had better be a good amount of blood and not just a tiny nick, either (10 year olds being more than capable of washing their own scratches and slapping a bandaid on it).

[regentrude]

They are definitely old enough, but they want me. They love me and want my attention and cuddles and water-bringing skills and input. How can I say no to that? I feel like a horrible grinch saying no to them at night, because it won't be long before they're like, "Get out of my room and shut the door." DD12 is nearly already there! And yet, I'm not as kind as I wish I could be, because I'm the one who's like, "Get out of my room and shut the door!"

 

Sure they love you. And they have all day with you, and they can cuddle you before bedtime and have attention - but they also need to learn to respect another human's boundaries. There is nothing grinchy about setting a reasonable boundary of being "off duty" after 8pm, because you can only be a good mother if you take care of yourself. That does not mean banishing them from your life, but it is reasonable not to provide any non-essential service after a given time.

Water bringing is fine for infants and sick ones - but an 8 y/o does not need mommy to get him a drink at night.

 

 

Honestly, I don't know WTH I do all day! I just know that I am constantly struggling with...stuff! Bills, papers, phone calls to annoyed lawn service guys (with whom I am supremely annoyed as well), food, cleaning up after food, laundry, lessons/lesson plans, requests for get-togethers, things I need to buy for co-op contributions (that then I need to struggle to remember to bring), packages that need shipping back because Amazon didn't ship what they were supposed to, plus now I need to go buy the thing I needed in the first place, dress shopping for the whole dang household for a formal event, then returning all the stuff that didn't work, my paid work (which is growing--great for our budget, not great for my sanity), reading and discussion development for our book group, following up on whether youngest DD has done her work for her outside class, trying to find yet ANOTHER new way to help her understand math, trying to find some way to afford an evaluation for her that I was hoping we could avoid if I could just find the key to helping her understand math, getting the garbage out before the truck turns the corner, finding a way to fit all the recycling into the bins because it never got put out last time... And it seems like every time we get past one big distraction, another one pops right up. 

 

You need a schedule and you need to stick to it. Set aside a certain time frame each day to deal with "stuff". Make a list.

You need to perform triage:

1. what is urgent and important

2. what is important but not urgent

3. what is urgent but not important

4. what is neither urgent nor important

Anything in category 4 does not need to get done.

Things in category 3 tend to steal attention from the more important things in category 2, but should only be allocated a short specific time frame. Category 1 gets top priority, category 2 needs to be scheduled as to not get dropped.

 

I suggest you keep a list over the next week where you list every task of "stuff" that you did, and then examine the list and see if you can identify ways you could have handled it more efficiently.

 

You can also

streamline school. They are old enough that you don't need to sit with them every single minute You can do "stuff" while they work on school.

Cut outside committments.

Increase efficiency. Combine errands, streamline shopping. Put the kids to work.

 

 

However, that was two days of schoolwork and main house upkeep that I lost, so now we're behind on those. I can't seem to dedicate time to any sort of life-improvement project without falling completely behind in everything else.

 

What "main house upkeep" do you perform that you can't take a two day break??? It sounds as if there is a lot of stuff you might be able to cut. I have never found housework to deter me from doing anything I wanted - with only four people there can't be that much truly essential stuff to do.

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

You NEED a realistic schedule. Trying to flit from project to project as you think about it is inefficient and exhausting. Have 'office hours' once a week or twice monthly and deal with bills, paperwork, and phone calls in one sitting. This way you don't loose time looking for numbers and papers and checkbook/turning on the laptop EVERY day. Your kids are definitely old enough to contribute. Delegate entire chores to them. Never take out the trash again. Never put anyone else's clothes away. Teach the 12-year-old to do her own laundry and give her ONE laundry day to make it happen. Hold up your end of the bargain by making sure the machines are empty that day. Put the 9-year-old in charge of towels and give her ONE day to make it happen. That's two days when YOU are free from laundry. Give them real deadlines. "Do X before dinner." If it doesn't get done, then they'll be scrambling to finish it while the rest of the family is eating. Most people hate chores and won't learn to do them without real consequences. If you remove all of the consequences and do all the chores yourself, you are depriving them of a life skill.

 

There are people out there who get just as much accomplished as you and still have time for sleep and relaxation. Don't chalk their orderliness up to 'personality type' or your own life being busier. Steal their tricks and learn their skills. I get it. I'm not naturally organized and I am a night owl, but I am capable of learning and constantly doing so. Your kids don't have to 'like' you every day, but your needs are as important as everyone else's and it's important that you model that before they get the message that mothers should be servants and martyrs. TEACH them to be a home manager who delegates by doing it. Share the to-do list with them and ask them "How are WE going to get this all done by dinnertime?"

 

Get your husband on board too. Having outside work shouldn't completely exempt you from family participation. The only people with the luxury of going to work and coming home to no family responsibilities are single people. Maybe once a week he can stop at the store on the way home, or cook one meal n the weekend,or take over his own laundry. There should be something he can take off your plate.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

You all make it sound so doable *sigh* I feel like I've tried so many of these things already and failed at them, but the kids were definitely younger when I last gave this whole "efficient life" thing a go. 

 

Get your husband on board too. Having outside work shouldn't completely exempt you from family participation. The only people with the luxury of going to work and coming home to no family responsibilities are single people. Maybe once a week he can stop at the store on the way home, or cook one meal n the weekend,or take over his own laundry. There should be something he can take off your plate.

 

I don't have time to reply more right now, but I did want to say that DH does pitch in where he can. He's often working a bit from home on his days "off," but when he's not, he's dealing with the cars, yardwork/snow removal/other outside things, driving one of the kids, running to the grocery store for me/himself (lunch supplies etc.), dealing with his own medical care/grooming, folding laundry, etc. I just don't think I can offload any MORE stuff to him, because he's just not here to do it. He leaves the house at 8 a.m. and comes home at 8-9 p.m. It doesn't leave a lot of extra time to help me. 

 

I definitely need to focus more on the kids, because they're the ones who are here, and yes, they do seem to have the idea that I'm the servant. I really want to fix that--it just feels like life if so much more stressful when I try to! But yeah, I'm definitely thinking ahead to life skills. I even had DD12 sort her own laundry the other day :lol: Baby steps...

 

OK, I'm going to go update my schedules AND the kids' chore lists. I'm going to include this basic information on the bottom of the new lists :lol: (language warning!):

 

http://thespringmount6pack.com/2013/04/bed-by-9-or-facebook-funny/

[fairfarmhand]

Of course they are going to balk. I mean, wouldn't you? If you had a slave who could do all of your work for you so you could just sit around and have fun and all of a sudden the slave said, "Nope. Not happening any more." Would YOU be tickled about it? Of course they are going to try to guilt trip you into doing it all or be sulky and annoyed. Just cheerfully ignore them and be firm but kind. Outlast them and create some new habits.

 

Expect the pushback for quite awhile. Remember the end goal and keep your eyes on it. In the end it will be for the best. I promise!

 

I also have a husband who really does little housework and laundry or anything. We farm, so he takes care of lots of farm chores that I physically can't do. However, I have kids who can do plenty around here. I just have to be the mommy who makes them do it.

 

So I'd put screens off limit until certain tasks are done. Don't serve dessert till the kitchen is clean. Tie normal day to day routines to getting a chore or two done.

[TammyS]

 

 

I definitely need to focus more on the kids, because they're the ones who are here, and yes, they do seem to have the idea that I'm the servant. I really want to fix that--it just feels like life if so much more stressful when I try to!

 

You need to realize and prepare for the reality that it WILL be more stressful for a while.  You've trained them to your current lifestyle and now you are switching the lifestyle in a manner not to their advantage (from their childish prospective).  Of COURSE there's going to be push-back.  Just be prepared for it, mentally, and know that it won't last forever. 

 

Personally, in this situation, I wouldn't start with getting the kids to do more chores.  I would start with getting down time for yourself, first, in the middle of the day, not at the end of the day.  This will let you rest up so that you can have the fortitude to do the next thing, which is start working on the kids chores/bedtime. 

[regentrude]

Personally, in this situation, I wouldn't start with getting the kids to do more chores.  I would start with getting down time for yourself, first, in the middle of the day, not at the end of the day.  This will let you rest up so that you can have the fortitude to do the next thing, which is start working on the kids chores/bedtime. 

 

This.

To be honest: my kids really did not do many chores, except take care of their own rooms and help out as needed. Unless you have a farm, there is really not that much housework in a small family.

[JudoMom]

You should consider that your life feels so chaotic because you are sleep deprived.  There is no magic cure.  You have to simply give yourself a bedtime and go to bed.  Put it on your to do list and stick to it, no matter what. 

I get busy.  I think we all do here.  Myself, I'm homeschooling 5, they have outside commitments that currently require 10-12 hours of drive time for me each week, and I work 16-20 hours a week, in addition to homemaking.  I also have an autoimmune liver disease and must get enough sleep in order to function.  I get a minimum of 7 hours a night, but really shoot for 8-9. Any less than 7 and there is a decrease in what I can do well.

I am less productive without sleep, and I guarantee you that you are, too. 



 

[LucyStoner]

Honestly, being unable to sleep until everything was just so and complete was a manifestation of anxiety and OCD for me.

 

The thing that leaps out at me is that you are sleeping on the couch. Stop that. Get yourself to bed. Take time to make you bedroom and bed a distraction free, stress free zone. Don't use the master bedroom as a dumping ground for extra stuff, get screens out of your bedroom, make sure your mattress is comfortable and get some really nice bedding that you like. Develop a nighttime routine that promotes sleep. When I was first breaking the insomniac pattern, I would get ready for bed, read to the kids, make hot tea (of the beverage variety ladies), drink it and read something light in bed. Same order. Not functionally different than a bedtime routine for a child learning to sleep. Once I started my nighttime routine, there was no more checking email, or taking non-emergency calls or doing anything unless it was reading with my kids or being with my husband. It's called good sleep hygiene and it really matters when breaking the patterns that led to the insomnia. Honestly, I likely need to refresh myself on these habits.

 

Make more meals simple and less dish intensive like sandwiches, salads etc. Lower everyone's expectations about what you will be doing.

[Artichoke]

You've gotten lots of good advice. If I were in your shoes, I'd start by instituting a quiet time during the day as others have suggested. It'll give you some immediate space to think about your next steps. I'd also make time to talk with my dh as soon as the two of you can about what's happening, how you feel about it, and how you'd like things to change. Even though you're the one at home during the day, your husband is also a parent and partner. Changes will happen more smoothly if the two of you work together.

 

When I need to find more time in my week, the first thing I do is make a plan of meals for the week and then grocery shop for everything we need. I use the slow cooker for dinners and lunch is planned as well. Breakfast is on your own. It's amazing how much time I can save when this is done. As others have said, your children will balk at the changes, but try to look at this a course correction for your entire family. Don't see your children as an obstacle to change but as children who'll need help adjusting to the new family climate. Best wishes!

[Joyofsixreboot]

"Dear children, mommy is exhausted.

This is one reason she is crabby and short with you. For the next month, we are instituting a stay-home policy for mommy to get rested. So this means that we will stay home and figure out better routines for dealing with the household stuff. Mommies have feelings too, and mom wants to be a great mom. Somehow, everything has to get done and mom has to get to bed at x o'clock. This does not mean that mom doesn't love you. It actually means that mom wants to be the best possible mom ever for you and has been selling her own needs short for a very long time. "

 

Then I would begin boot camp. I would put aside all school except for basic math, and english for a week or two and instead do a major clean out and reorganization of the house. During this time, I would work out a chart for each day of the week. Monday--Clean kitchen (this means that one child cleans out the fridge and wipes baseboards, the other washes cupboards and cleans the microwave, and you mop the floor.) Tuesday--Clean the living room (this means that you dust, one kid vacuums and wipes baseboards, one kid vacuums the couch and cleans the windows) Wednesday--Clean the bathrooms (one kid cleans toilets, one kid scrubs tubs and you wipe the counters and clean the mirror) Thursday-- Focus on the bedrooms, dividing the labor that way. Friday-Saturday are laundry days, and Sunday--Rest If you work like this you and your kids will only need to spend less than 30 minutes each day cleaning.

 

If you and your children tackle the housecleaning like this one day after another, the whole house won't be spotless at the same time, but it won't be filthy either.

 

Every night after supper, One kid does the dishes, either loading or washing. You will wipe down counters and wash pots. Other child should sweep the floor.

 

Another advantage to working together is that nobody can slip away without properly finishing the work and you can instruct them on what to do next to improve the work. Don't expect to be able to send them to a place and have them come out with the work properly done for years!

 

Making the kids go to their rooms and stay there is not being unkind. It's actually teaching them to respect the limitations of others. If it makes you feel better, before bed time (say starting at 8:30), spend 30 minutes of cuddling, chatting, and singing with the 9 yo, and then say good night, please don't come out of your room and talk to me. You may stay up but if you bug me, it's lights out time. Then do the same thing with the 12 yo. I've found if I can give some undivided attention to my kids, one on one when they are bugging me, they actually will be okay with me setting the limits.

 

Does that help?

 

Before the kids go to bed, have them do a quick pick up and straighten up of the main living areas so you can sit down and rest for 30 minutes or so before you hit the hay.

Pretty much what I was going to say. They are old enough to understand you are DONE. So tired you're not functioning. It goes like this. They will do what they are tole the first time. They are not required to like or enjoy it. Just do it. Failure means no TV until done, no books until done, no computer or if it comes to it lunch. Do it! It will take time, they'll be cooperative, then not, and eventually they will get new habits if you stay tough. It will totally be worth it.

[Trilliums]

I think you have gotten a lot of great advice already and it does sound as though you may need some household reorganization/restructuring to get yourself in a better place.

 

I definitely agree with getting the kids to do more chores.  I also tell my kids that I expect them to start thinking of ways they can contribute to the household.  What kinds of actions can they do that help the household run more smoothly?  At first my kids had very few ideas and the idea was quite novel to them!   Over time though, they started spontaneously unloading the dishwasher or picking up, etc.

 

I can share one simple thing I did to help my brain shut off.  I started a night time priority for household cleaning.  After that was accomplished, I was DONE with cleaning for the day.  Anything else that crossed my mind that needed to be done was written down on a notepad next to my bed.  For me the night time cleaning routine was simple--quick sweep of kitchen, counter wiped down and dishwasher loaded and hit run.  This was my way of shutting down the household. Turning on the dishwasher became my off switch.  Your kids are old enough to help with a night time routine like this.   I would emphasize to them that you need to be able to turn off and get a good night's sleep as well.

 

Best wishes for a good night's sleep!

[Plink]

Did you see the Bullet Journal threads?  My version is here, but I'm sure you can glean insight from lots of the other posts here on the boards.  Anyway, I was in your shoes last year - way too much on my mind, and the anxiety beginning to take over.  I found that simply writing all of my to-dos down in one place (KEY, so I knew I'd find those notes again) freed up my mind enough to allow me to sleep better.  It gave me the perspective to see what was a high priority, and what could be done tomorrow.  I was able to let go of all the stress because I could make a realistic plan of when each task would be done, and intentionally choose which tasks I could let go.

 

((hugs)) 

[kiwik]

If you went to bed at 10 with your husband could he be in charge of the kids until he leaves? You could then take a short walk and sort out the laundry before having breakfast. The kids could do independant work while you eat or clean the kitchen and talk to you.

[Barb_]

Read, "Boundaries with Kids."  Remember you're not raising children, you're raising future adults.  It was mentioned above, but I want to reiterate: waiting on your children does them no favors.  You are potentially creating entitled spouses and employees and unwittingly making their adult lives harder than they need to be.  It's easier to bend over backwards.  It feels virtuous.  Standing up for your own needs can be hard for some people, particularly women.  But your children don't NEED social time or extracurriculars.  They need food, clothing and shelter.  They have a right to a reasonably clean environment, a decent education, and affection and respect. They also have a responsibility to contribute on a level commensurate with each of their ages and abilities. And you have needs too.  A good night's rest ranks above wants or nice extras like social time.  Your hierarchy is skewed if you think everyone else's desires come before your needs.  

 

I'm saying this with all the kindness in the world.  You seem like you need some real, honest, plain talking to because you've come back with weak arguments against every brilliant and reasonable suggesting mentioned on this thread. And every argument is some variation on, "Well everyone else's wants are more important than my not having a nervous breakdown."

 

:grouphug:

[marbel]

I'm going to go back and read all the previous posts tonight.  I know you've gotten good advice.  I hope I am not being repetitive but sometimes hearing something more than once helps. 

 

You are doing yourself and your family no favors by running yourself ragged. I have found this out the hard way more than once.  A miserable mommy can quickly turn into a mean mommy and a not-so-great wife.   Relationships are more important than pretty much anything else. 

 

Choose your time to stop at night, and just stop. Figure out the few things that will make your life easier the next morning and get those done before your stop time.  (For me, it's getting the dishes done (no dishwasher) or at least to the point they all fit in the dishpan to be done in the morning.  If my husband needs me to pack him a lunch, that is planned out.  My to do list is in order and I know if I have to be out of the house in the morning.  And that's it.)

 

I take 400 mg of magnesium each night to help me sleep.  If my brain won't stop, I take a sleeping pill (doxalymine succinate, google it to see if it's appropriate for you).   I try to get 15 minutes to read a fluff novel.  I try to spend some time with my husband.   

 

Ask for more help from kids or husband**.  Get takeout pizza once a week and eat on paper plates.  Plan simpler meals.   Lower your standards. 

 

**I get it about not wanting to burden your husband. Mine works a stressful full-time job and then has a part-time job which requires lots of work at home (part-time associate pastor who preaches a couple times a month and teaches Sunday School).   But you can tell him that you feel overloaded and talk about what burdens you can let go of.  That might fall under "lower your standards." 

 

it's really important to get off the couch and go to bed.  :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

ETA:  You are modeling marriage and motherhood to your children.  Do you want your daughter to think it's all about being a drudge who never gets any rest or fun?  Do you want your kids to think it's normal that the wife/mom falls asleep on the couch every night rather than in her own bed with her husband? Sorry if that sounds too blunt.   :grouphug: 

[MomOfABunch]

You have gotten some great advice already. Things that help me when I get overwhelmed by household responsibilities:

 

- switch to paper plates until the kitchen gets caught up

- switch to easy food (frozen meals, pb&j, tuna, etc.). Teach oldest child to make easy food meals for the other kids

- institute before meal chore time for kids and don't feed them until their assigned jobs are done (sounds harsh, I know)

- focus on one room at a time, get it clean and declare it off limits to the kids (so they can't make messes in there)

- collect up things the kids leave laying around, box them up and have them do extra chores to earn them back

- take a day off school for "clean the house day" to get things back in order. Require everyone to help. No screens/social activities/anything fun until all assigned jobs are done and designated area are clean

[Tsuga]

"Dear children, mommy is exhausted.

This is one reason she is crabby and short with you. For the next month, we are instituting a stay-home policy for mommy to get rested. So this means that we will stay home and figure out better routines for dealing with the household stuff. Mommies have feelings too, and mom wants to be a great mom. Somehow, everything has to get done and mom has to get to bed at x o'clock. This does not mean that mom doesn't love you. It actually means that mom wants to be the best possible mom ever for you and has been selling her own needs short for a very long time. "

 

Then I would begin boot camp. I would put aside all school except for basic math, and english for a week or two and instead do a major clean out and reorganization of the house. During this time, I would work out a chart for each day of the week. Monday--Clean kitchen (this means that one child cleans out the fridge and wipes baseboards, the other washes cupboards and cleans the microwave, and you mop the floor.) Tuesday--Clean the living room (this means that you dust, one kid vacuums and wipes baseboards, one kid vacuums the couch and cleans the windows) Wednesday--Clean the bathrooms (one kid cleans toilets, one kid scrubs tubs and you wipe  the counters and clean the mirror) Thursday-- Focus on the bedrooms, dividing the labor that way. Friday-Saturday are laundry days, and Sunday--Rest If you work like this you and your kids will only need to spend less than 30 minutes each day cleaning.

 

If you and your children tackle the housecleaning like this one day after another, the whole house won't be spotless at the same time, but it won't be filthy either.

 

Every night after supper, One kid does the dishes, either loading or washing. You will wipe down counters and wash pots. Other child should sweep the floor.

 

Another advantage to working together is that nobody can slip away without properly finishing the work and you can instruct them on what to do next to improve the work. Don't expect to be able to send them to a place and have them come out with the work properly done for years!

 

Making the kids go to their rooms and stay there is not being unkind. It's actually teaching them to respect the limitations of others. If it makes you feel better, before bed time (say starting at 8:30), spend 30 minutes of cuddling, chatting, and singing with the 9 yo, and then say good night, please don't come out of your room and talk to me. You may stay up but if you bug me, it's lights out time.  Then do the same thing with the 12 yo. I've found if I can give some undivided attention to my kids, one on one when they are bugging me, they actually will be okay with me setting the limits.

 

Does that help?

 

Before the kids go to bed, have them do a quick pick up and straighten up of the main living areas so you can sit down and rest for 30 minutes or so before you hit the hay.

 

Cannot like enough.

 

 

 

But...if I do less, then everything will just spiral downward out of control, because no one will do it! Seriously!

 

I need you to choose evenings a month for bills, one hour a day for laundry and dishes, and two hours a week for floors. I need you to do PB&J every single day (or whatever sandwich, but no choices) every single day. Every day. And cereal or oatmeal for breakfast, no choices. Then, choose 30 minutes for each kid before bed like fairfarmhand said.

 

Limit your time and enforce it. 30 minutes for X, let's see what I get done.

 

We have four kids. We have neighborhood kids here every day. And that is what we do. Nothing spirals out of control. One hour a day for laundry and dishes, what gets done gets done, what doesn't, doesn't. Our house is not a model but it's not a pigsty either.

[Ausmumof3]

I haven't read all of the replies so apologies if it's already been said but you need to take care of your needs before you can take care of everything else well.

 

Your needs are sleep, exercise and healthy food. Set yourself a bedtime a little after dark, exercise first thing in the morning and get three good meals in with veges in at least two if them.

 

If you are already doing the meals and sleep for yourself the kids will get fed and rested as well as they will eat and sleep when you do.

 

Those are the essentials. Anything else is extra.

 

For me I have to put self care routines in place. It turns out that nothing terrible happense when I let the rest go. The worst is a bit of dirt on the floor or a less exciting meal.

[Word Nerd]

I can't, I have to clean the kitchen! :willy_nilly:

 

No, you don't. You don't have to do "one last thing" before bed. If it's a compulsion, start telling yourself that the one last thing you need to do is get in bed.

[displace]

Your post spoke to me as it describes us as well, DH working many many hours, me doing a lot with seemingly little done. For me, I have to focus on routines. I have a cluttered home and tendencies so if I'm not following my routines it only takes a few days to look horrible. If you don't have clutter just disregard. If your home needs to be super clean, maybe lower your standards? For me I overestimate and procrastinate some cleaning because I think it will take a while, when in reality it may be just 15 min.

Just a thought, though your husband may work long hours, so do you! And he has the "advantage" of alone time driving that you don't. I wouldn't think it's fair if DH got to come home and relax and watch TV while I had to stay up working. Maybe discussing with him would help you both? Maybe he wouldn't care so much about some routines or responsibilities if he realized how much they are a burden on you?

I think also getting your children to help should be a nonnegotiable. I understand about pushback. Make it a requirement by not allowing any extracurricular or electronics or something like that until they help every day, or start charging them for your "maid services ". I have to say my mom sacrificed for us. She used to do all the cleaning for us with only a few exceptions. I think that it was not a good thing for me as I got older because it required me needing to learn how to do all the organization without having practiced it. I still struggle with routines today with cleaning.

The other thing is if you have a "big" project, consider doing only some of it instead of an all or nothing project. For instance a kids room declutter could turn into a kids bookshelf declutter instead. Progress is made, some time is spent, but the whole weekend isn't gone.

I hope you find some good help!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thank you, everyone, I really appreciate all your advice and commiseration and frankness. Yesterday started with good intentions but ended up difficult because I did end up taking youngest DD to the doctor, which sucked two hours out of my evening *sigh* Thankfully she does not have pneumonia, but her oxygen sats were low. She had several breathing treatments, which boosted her sats, and now she's on prednisone and an inhaler regimen, and I was up late listening to her coughing as she tried to fall asleep :(

 

But I got good sleep and I feel good today, and she hasn't coughed for hours (she's still asleep now). And I got my elderberry syrup made, so I'm hopeful about that! I can't take this "respiratory infection every three weeks" thing any longer!

 

And I talked to DH about going to bed, and he's happy to do whatever it takes to help. 

 

I'm going to have a frank talk with the kids today about my expectations for them, and hopefully we can start making better habits. I'm going to need to refer to this thread repeatedly for a kick in the rear, though, I think!

 

 

Thank you again for all your help.

 

[Valley Girl]

I haven't read through the entire thread yet (although I'm taking note of all the good suggestions because I feel as though I'm drowing in things that must be done). Can you possibly block off a week and use it strictly for catching up and trying to get some things off your plate at least temporarily? A week or even two of no school... no extracurriculars... sandwiches for supper... etc. Talk to your DH and see if everyone can pitch in to help get the house cleaned up a little each day. Make a plan for what you want to accomplish. Use the time to get caught up on all the paperwork... deal with all the household management issues that need your attention... get a week or two of lessons planned in advance (if you haven't already done that). As far as shopping, I know plenty of people here are anti-Walmart for good reasons. But it's been a lifesaver for me in terms of time because they match prices. So with a tight grocery budget, I can go to one store instead of 3 or 4 when time is especially limited. I get what you're going through. That level of stress is impossible to sustain without its taking a huge toll. Good luck to you!

[strange_girl]

Thank you, everyone, I really appreciate all your advice and commiseration and frankness. Yesterday started with good intentions but ended up difficult because I did end up taking youngest DD to the doctor, which sucked two hours out of my evening *sigh* Thankfully she does not have pneumonia, but her oxygen sats were low. She had several breathing treatments, which boosted her sats, and now she's on prednisone and an inhaler regimen, and I was up late listening to her coughing as she tried to fall asleep :(

 

But I got good sleep and I feel good today, and she hasn't coughed for hours (she's still asleep now). And I got my elderberry syrup made, so I'm hopeful about that! I can't take this "respiratory infection every three weeks" thing any longer!

 

And I talked to DH about going to bed, and he's happy to do whatever it takes to help.

 

I'm going to have a frank talk with the kids today about my expectations for them, and hopefully we can start making better habits. I'm going to need to refer to this thread repeatedly for a kick in the rear, though, I think!

 

 

Thank you again for all your help.

Good for you! You just made a great start :)

 

And (((hugs))) to your DD. Hope she feels better soon!