Seasider Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 want to take him to lunch. Do you also invite his wife (of 20+ years)? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 yes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Ummm yes? Is there some reason why you wouldn't? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Yes, absolutely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Yes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Uh, yes, a million times over! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Yes. It's a package deal. :) Or does the wife eat for five? :lol: Seriously, I cannot imagine not inviting my dil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Thanks for the validation, friends. I'm home heating up soup. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Yes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Nothing surprises me...I'm saying yes! Of course! But I know there are people Out There who might think it is fine not to invite the spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Thanks for the validation, friends. I'm home heating up soup. And putting it in a thermos and leaving it on the porch for your DH because you're not letting him back in the house? :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 But I know there are people Out There who might think it is fine not to invite the spouse. Thus the survey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Sorry!! That sucks and I'd be pissed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Of course you do! Some people are ridiculous. (HUGS) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 If dh wants to do something with ds without dil, he should invite ds to a guys' activity and you should not go. That should be a separate thing from a birthday meal inviting mom, dad, ds and dil. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Sorry!! That sucks and I'd be pissed! It's become a regular thing. DH at least promised that if anyone else were there in addition to his parents, he'd let them know how he felt about my being left out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Oh, it's your in laws doing this to you. I would hope dh would respond to invites making it clear he expected you to come and not settle on a time until it was scheduled for you to come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Thus the survey. I'm really sorry. Once Upon a Time someone invited all her biological siblings to Mother's Day dinner for their mother at a restaurant. And her own children. When the siblings said, "not without our spouses and our children!" She said OK, bring them. When they arrived at the restaurant, siblings, parents and her children were at one table. Spouses and their children were at another table. In a different room. :svengo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 And putting it in a thermos and leaving it on the porch for your DH because you're not letting him back in the house? :grouphug: LOL!!! He is the golden child... But this is ongoing and while I can usually brush it off, today it is wearing on me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I don't know. DH and I immensely enjoy spending time alone with our kids. I can't imagine it no longer being pleasant just because the kid gets married. If it's a long-standing tradition, and I'm invited to other functions, I'd let him have this on his birthday and find something else to do. If there is tension between you and the in-laws, the meal probably IS more pleasant this way for all concerned. I'm guessing there's a lot more tension in this in-law relationship or one dinner wouldn't matter. It reads like this exclusion is just one if many slights these in-laws make towards their DIL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 When my mother invites me to lunch it's just the two of us. Sometimes it's for my birthday. I get together with my parents (separately as they're divorced) without my husband sometimes. My husband does things with his parents without me sometimes. Sometimes everyone gets together and sometimes it's a subset. My FIL has gone out to lunch with my husband sometimes. I don't think it's at all obvious it should only happen a certain way and everyone should just know it and accept it. That's not how my world and various family and extended family cultures work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 That seems rude. I'd probably be ticked at dh for not telling his folks that I would be joining them. Since it's a regular thing, I'd want dh to speak up and let them know it bothers you. Sure, you could speak up, but it would be nice if he did it on your behalf. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I think a birthday or holiday celebration is different than just an ordinary "let's lunch" date or a special activity between parent and child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I'm really sorry. Once Upon a Time someone invited all her biological siblings to Mother's Day dinner for their mother at a restaurant. And her own children. When the siblings said, "not without our spouses and our children!" She said OK, bring them. When they arrived at the restaurant, siblings, parents and her children were at one table. Spouses and their children were at another table. In a different room. :svengo: :svengo: Oh my word! In-laws can be such a treat! NOT! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Uh. . . yes. (I do get wanting to see an adult child alone--but somehow a birthday lunch seems to fall under the celebration heading and celebrations are for family!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Of course. I can't imagine not inviting my DIL of only 5 years. Certainly 20+ years would garner an invitation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 It's become a regular thing. DH at least promised that if anyone else were there in addition to his parents, he'd let them know how he felt about my being left out. Oh, it's your in laws doing this to you. I would hope dh would respond to invites making it clear he expected you to come and not settle on a time until it was scheduled for you to come. I just realized it too. Sorry Seasider. That sucks. And is so wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I think it stinks! Obviously, your inlaws are real sweethearts, so I am sure this can't be a huge surprise to you. If I were advising your dh, I'd suggest that he can go alone to anything he wants with his parents on any ordinary day, but that the actual holidays/birthdays are never going to exclude his wife . . . so a birthday lunch a few days before or after is fine . . . but not the actual day. That said, you should just rise above it. Don't complain, do NOT harp on it for the rest of the day, and don't even bring it up once today, just make the rest of his birthday so amazing that he can't stop thinking how lucky he is to have you for his wife! I wrote off trying to relate to my in-laws a dozen years ago, after a full decade of marriage to their wonderful son . . . trying to be good enough and nice enough . . . but they are just asshats, and, finally I figured that out and let it go. I am fine with dh seeing them, taking the kids to see them, calling them, inviting them to visit (they never do) . . . but, curiously, dh figured out they were asshats about the same time I did, and so he has never been motivated to make the relationship happen. Fortunately, part of their asshat-ness is a sincere lack of interest in any of their many children or grandchildren, so our contact is limited to a couple polite phone calls from my husband each year, and occasional checks for kids' birthdays/Christmas . . . and our kids' brief thank-you phone calls following such gifts. I don't miss them one bit. If they lived close enough to see without a road trip, I'd be happy for dh to go see them for a meal or whatever periodically and leave me out of it. I'd much rather have a bowl of soup alone than have to sit through making polite conversation with them. Next time, maybe take yourself out for a really nice lunch at your favorite place, with your kids and/or a friend . . . Just be nice when dh gets home. Feel sorry for him, as he is stuck with those people for his parents. . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 It's become a regular thing. DH at least promised that if anyone else were there in addition to his parents, he'd let them know how he felt about my being left out. You have a passive DH problem here. Why is he not telling his parents that this is not ok with him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 But, I avoid my inlaws as much as humanly possible, so I'd be thrilled to miss any meal that they were at. :laugh: Not your problem, though. I am sorry you are hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hikin' Mama Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I would never go out for a meal with my married son and not invite his wife. NEVER. I'm sorry they did that to you. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
almondbutterandjelly Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Only if it was a weekend. My dh and I are at separate places during the day. If my parents decided to take me to lunch, for any reason, he wouldn't mind. And vice versa. Now if we were both home and they just wanted to take him, that would be different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 :grouphug: Aw, you should have treated yourself to something more than a can of soup at home. Perhaps you should go out & at least treat yourself to a coffee or something later. When my mother invites me to lunch it's just the two of us. Sometimes it's for my birthday. I get together with my parents (separately as they're divorced) without my husband sometimes. My husband does things with his parents without me sometimes. Sometimes everyone gets together and sometimes it's a subset. My FIL has gone out to lunch with my husband sometimes. I don't think it's at all obvious it should only happen a certain way and everyone should just know it and accept it. That's not how my world and various family and extended family cultures work. I wouldnt be offended if my inlaws just wanted to take their son out to lunch, but we all have a good relationship and I'd not assume some slight. They do plenty to include me, like special Christmas presents, babysitting, etc.But I can see some families where that would be a slight on DIL and that's not cool. I'd personally invite them both if it was my choice, and I'd appreciate being invited if it was happening in my family, but I wouldn't necessarily assume a faux pas just by virtue of a single invitation being extended.It really depends on the family dynamics. I agree with these as it describes how our families work. It's fine if that's the regular dynamic going on there, but not cool if it's an intentional snub. Could it be a money-issue w/ the in-laws? Maybe they feel they can only afford to pay for your dh but not both of you? Just a thought that crossed my mind.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErinE Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 :grouphug: That's pretty hurtful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Nothing surprises me...I'm saying yes! Of course! But I know there are people Out There who might think it is fine not to invite the spouse. I would say invite her, but if circumstances are such that it makes sense only to invite him, that's ok. For example, if inlaws happened to pop in downtown where spouse works, and I am in a far suburb, I don't feel slighted if they take HIM to lunch and don't invite me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 .. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Every family and relationship is different, but if my in-laws did this, dh would give them serious grief over it and would not go. In the early days of our relationship, they were not good to me - super cold and weird. And dh from moment one chewed them out and called them on it. Like, the first time he brought me home, for a weekend and to go to his sister's wedding, dh, fil and I went for a walk and fil did not make eye contact with me or speak to me at all, only to dh. Afterwards, dh took him aside and was like, dad, what the bleep is wrong with you. And when we announced our engagement formally at Thanksgiving and no one said anything (except grandmother in law, who was like, why is no one toasting, what's going on, PJ's getting married, oh that's so good) afterward he sent them a letter saying how rude that was. It took a couple of years of just relentlessly calling them on their bs but now they're perfectly nice and would never dream of snubbing me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Well, it's complicated. They do do the lunch thing about once a month, supposed to be the father-sons thing but MIL has been working herself into being brought along the last few times. Today was a deliberate "birthday lunch" invitation. The inlaws are truly good to us, but MIL has a weird competitive/possessive vibe. She is known for erratic behavior - if you've read my past posts, she has no respect for dd's nut allergies, thus we cannot leave dd in her care. I think she passive-aggressively pays me (cuz it's all my fault, y'know) back by doing things like this. There's much more to it, but really, nothing that would preclude a wife in the invite other than just not wanting me there. I really just wondered if it was common to leave the wife out. I just find it ironic because for many years I have been "taught by example" how to devotedly serve a husband; going everywhere together has been part of the lesson. Just makes me shake my head. I do think the saddest part is that dh finds it easier to go with it than to say, "hey, don't snub my wife!" It's not that I really want to be there, it's more that he takes it without comment. But that's all I'll say here; dh is a great guy but his mom takes some finessing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lady Florida. Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Only if it was a weekend. My dh and I are at separate places during the day. If my parents decided to take me to lunch, for any reason, he wouldn't mind. And vice versa. Now if we were both home and they just wanted to take him, that would be different. :iagree: My stepson and his wife have unusual schedules due their chosen professions. Even so, we'd try to rearrange things so that both could go. If it just wouldn't work, or if she said not to worry and go without her, we would. Otherwise, we'd do our best to include them both. My mother, and my in-laws would do the same if it was my or dh's birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Not if you are my mil. :/ So yes, *I* would not even think to not invite her. Heck, we invited my son's girl friend and they aren't even "serious". ETA: To me it doesn't matter if the spouse can even come. Whether I know she can't or not, I'm still going to invite her. It's just a matter of making sure she knows she is welcome imo. Imo and obviously limited experience, excluding a spouse is the fastest way to find yourself excluded from both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 want to take him to lunch. Do you also invite his wife (of 20+ years)? :huh: :blink: I'm confused this is even a question. I'm assuming everyone is in the same city, and the son and his wife of 20+ years are not going through a divorce. Of course! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Next time show up at lunch with DH. "So sorry I couldn't make it last time. Luckily I was able to come today." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacia Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Well, it's complicated. They do do the lunch thing about once a month, supposed to be the father-sons thing but MIL has been working herself into being brought along the last few times. Today was a deliberate "birthday lunch" invitation. The inlaws are truly good to us, but MIL has a weird competitive/possessive vibe. She is known for erratic behavior - if you've read my past posts, she has no respect for dd's nut allergies, thus we cannot leave dd in her care. I think she passive-aggressively pays me (cuz it's all my fault, y'know) back by doing things like this. There's much more to it, but really, nothing that would preclude a wife in the invite other than just not wanting me there. I really just wondered if it was common to leave the wife out. I just find it ironic because for many years I have been "taught by example" how to devotedly serve a husband; going everywhere together has been part of the lesson. Just makes me shake my head. I do think the saddest part is that dh finds it easier to go with it than to say, "hey, don't snub my wife!" It's not that I really want to be there, it's more that he takes it without comment. But that's all I'll say here; dh is a great guy but his mom takes some finessing. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamaraby Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I dislike my ILs quite a bit so anytime dh can go with them on his own (or even with the children on his own), I'm thrilled. However, when it comes to ILs that you tolerate/like, then I would expect both the adult child and their spouse to the birthday lunch. If it's an issue of not being able to afford it, then I would think not at all or a lunch at home would be in order. I would expect dh to communicate that to his parents. With the exception of the one time nine years ago, dh has been really good about that sort of thing with his family. I'm sorry. That stinks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 I'm just venturing into the mother-in-law stage - but I cannot fathom inviting dd to something (outside a girl only activity ;)) and NOT inviting her fiancé. (or ds son's gf, whom he wants to eventually marry.) (though some members of dh's family certainly can - and at least three of them have done so.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Absolutely - you are a unit. That said, my DH has lunch with his Mom every couple of weeks and I don't go. I am not invited, but I am not 'not' invited either. I guess they assume I don't want to go, and they are right. When I got married, my mother told me that what many mothers really most want is time alone with their child. I do think that is true, even though my MIL likes me. I think it would be hard to not get time alone with an adult child. If my sisters getting married meant I would never spend time with them alone, it would be sad. I truly adore both BILs and love seeing them. But a little time with my sisters alone is also special. So I guess I think you should be invited - especially on his birthday. But I don't feel hurt knowing that my MIL is thrilled to have one on one time with DH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Thanks for the validation, friends. I'm home heating up soup. OMG :grouphug: :grouphug: I can see a father son lunch date without me, but a BIRTHDAY lunch?! I'm sorry. I'd be calling him every two minutes and ask him to bring me takeout. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Next time show up at lunch with DH. "So sorry I couldn't make it last time. Luckily I was able to come today." see, dramatic me was going to suggest rushing over there NOW & just joining in with a "whew! SO sorry I'm late! Oh great - here's an extra chair (take chair from a nearby table). No worries, I'll just squeeze in here! Oh my, such a busy time of year! So lovely to see you! How nice of you to have birthday lunch! Yay! Let's celebrate! What's everyone having?!" and then just talk & laugh & never let anyone get a word in edgewise & leave them bowled over. & then at home later, I'd lay down the new law to dh. And then he'd get his present :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Another issue could be that mom honed in on the lunch and dad doesn't know how to tell her to back off either So maybe the dad is a put off by it too, hence the non-invitation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 12, 2014 Author Share Posted December 12, 2014 Another issue could be that mom honed in on the lunch and dad doesn't know how to tell her to back off either So maybe the dad is a put off by it too, hence the non-invitation. Dfil and dh are certainly a passive pair. It truly has proven easier - for them - to operate that way! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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