How much quality time with DH/Dad?

[Erin]

Excluding sleep, obviously, how much time do you actually get with your husband (or your kids with their dad)?

 

DH had been working in the ND and PA oil/gas fields. It was 800 and 1300 miles from home, respectively. He was VERY good at his job. In less than a year, he'd moved from truck driver up to VP of operations and has standing job offers scattered throughout both fields.

 

But he was SOO far from home. He was doing a schedule of 6weeks on, 2weeks home until a month ago, when he quit and came home.

So now he's home (at a pay cut) but really doesn't have any more actual TIME at home. In fact, because he has a fairly goofy schedule, he probably has less...

 

He's sitting on a job offer in eastern CO (only 200 miles from home) at a 3wks on/1off schedule. Its basically a full week's vacation, every month. And, because he's so close to home, he could theoretically take his 24hr restart at home, too, each week.

 

So I find myself wondering, is "quality time" such an elusive thing for *everyone*? Or just us...

[lovinmyboys]

I don't think it is for everyone, but I feel that way as well. DH works and sleeps during the week and he works one weekend a month. One other weekend a month he travels to army drills. He was gone the month of March and July for army and he is getting ready to do a year of army. Every time I think his schedule is going to slow down, it picks right back up.

[applethyme]

I work every weekend so dh is primary parent from Friday to Monday.  On Friday the kids want me to leave so they can have "Daddy time" but by Monday I'm popular again.  :smilielol5:

[happi duck]

My dh works in the office or from home and some weeks it feels like he is always working. Because he CAN work from home he is often working to solve problems as they arise.

 

If he had a week off each month, really truly off...not checking email etc, that would be amazing.

 

This constantly working gradually crept up and is just recently noticed. Dh is more often shutting down and being more "home".

[Jean in Newcastle]

My kids get dh on Sunday afternoons.  Otherwise I sometimes have them call him on days when they wouldn't even see him otherwise.  

[Joker]

Dh is home every day by 5:30-6pm and we all have dinner together, he helps with homework, clean up, and we all hang out watching tv and/or talking. He spends every weekend with us as well. Right now he's playing a video game with both dds. Dh and I talk and text throughout the day and have time together each night. We usually have one meal out alone during the weekend and we run errands together. We decided before we had kids though that we both wanted to be hands on and around, so dh has deliberatly made sure his career doesn't interfere. It's why he left the military when oldest was an infant and why he's passed up certain promotions and job offers.

[AimeeM]

I feel very blessed that Tony works a regular 8-5 kind of job. He is home from the office, most evenings, by around 5:30; 6 at the latest (unless he has a random errand). He generally only travels for work once every few months now.

So, we have dinner together, and he usually cuddles with/plays with the children for a bit after work, before dinner; after dinner he usually reads one or two stories to DS5, watches some television with DD13, and wrestles with/goofs off with DS2 until bed time. 

I would say they get in a good 3 hours or so nightly of time with Dad.

I get evenings after the children are in bed, and weekends, and we make sure to have date nights. After experiencing the awesome-ness of our weekend "stay-cation" (we stayed at a hotel in town), we plan to do that more often, too.

Even though we always spend much more (lol), I really love that we've been doing the grocery shopping together on weekends. DD13 usually opts to stay home, but DS5, DS2, DH, and myself hit Costco, Publix, have lunch, etc.

 

[AHASRADA]

DH works from home, we homeschool, I do tutoring in our home, so we are all here, all the time. However, despite being under the same roof 24/7 (or perhaps because of it) we have very little "quality time". Each of us is working on our own projects, often in front of screens, in our own corners all day.

 

Since there is no official end to the work week, we just keep doing the next thing most of the time. We have to make a conscious plan for family time if it is going to happen. DH and I do a date night once a month or so, and the kids watch a show or movie with him one or two nights a week.

 

Togetherness does not necessarily equal quality time. You have to create it.

[prairiewindmomma]

Usually a few hours on weekends....

[Caroline]

My DH works from home, and I work outside the home. He is the one that greets the kids at the bus stop every day. He coaches one kid in soccer and another in tennis. He drives carpool for the third one, which is quality time, believe it or not. He makes time to go downtown to have lunch with our college kid about every other week. I get him alone for an hour or so every week day evening. We have a lot of quality time as a family, and he has plenty of one on one time with each of us, even though his job is long hours and never really ends. 

[chepyl]

We own 3 small businesses that we run from home. DH keeps the kids at night while I teach dance. He is usually home at least 3 full days a week. He goes out of town 2-4 times a year for 4-7 days. We have more family time than most people and I love it. We cook and clean together. He gardens with the kids. I don't think I could handle him being gone all day everyday.

[Farrar]

Sometimes dh and I struggle to find blocks of time for just us, and if he's doing a show (or, good grief, during a theater festival) then our time gets tight and most of it seems to become discussions of who gets the car. But in the general course of things, dh works nights and works at home. He (finally!!!!) doesn't work weekends. The kids see him every day. He carts them to activities pretty regularly, does bedtime reading about half the time, is around in the afternoons. And even when he has to start work at night, he's there and can pause to tuck someone in or play a board game or can watch TV with the kids and chat a little.

 

But we're very, very lucky. I totally get that.

[Dory]

My dh works 24/7 unless we leave the province. There have been a handful of times he has managed to get away for a weekend here and there. Otherwise he takes 2 weeks vacation in the spring and we leave the country and then 2 weeks in the fall and we do the same. In the winter he works so much I tend to just run things as though he doesn't exist. During the summer and fall he will sometimes have enough time to help with a couple errands, help with a couple building projects, or handle kids for me while I do a few things.

 

I don't recommend it for anyone, but it has been a great paying job and has put us in a good position. Hopefully a few more years of this and we can sell off the business and move.

[texasmama]

My dh owns a business and works out of our home.  We see him a lot, but it is often as he dashes through on the way out and such.  He works upstairs, and we are downstairs during the day so it is like he is gone.  He sometimes has to keep an odd schedule due to starting new accounts, and twice last week he was gone until about midnight doing so.  We do have the weekends most of the time.  He rarely travels, but he will be gone for two nights next week starting an out of town account.  Then he will  be coaching the boys' bball team for five months so he will see them a lot but in coach mode, not dad mode.  I don't know. I think it is a good amount that our family is together and that they see their dad.  He and I spend time every evening watching TV and talking together alone, but we are usually pretty tired so it is not terribly interactive always.

[Erin]

In my part of the world, a tradtional M-F, 8-5 ("banker's hours") job is a pretty rare thing, even for those of us with degrees.

I envy those of you who have them! :)

 

Working from home would be more likely, with the assumption that WE create the business...

[LucyStoner]

We have fortunately been able to have a choice and have generally chosen family time over extra money. This means we've rented for most of our marriage (and lost money on the one house we did buy) but it also means that we do get a fair amount of time all together. My husband is in school but he only works PT so he is able to read to the kids at bedtime most nights and is home for family dinner most nights and in general just there with us a fair bit. If I still worked FT, we'd have much less together time.

 

That said, a lot of families don't have that option because the choice isn't between a modest or higher salary but any salary and no salary so I don't think we've done anything "better" than others, we just have been able to have a lot of choices on the table.

[BlsdMama]

DH gets home around 5:00 and never works weekends.  We have a *lot* of time together and usually share hobbies.  We don't really get away from one another but we do make an effort to get out alone together.  ;)  We spent all  day with the kids and tomorrow at naptime we have a Lowe's date.  ;)

 

Buuuuuuutttttt....

 

It was a long road to here.  It was working one job and delivering pizza on weekends while going to school.  Then it was military when student loans were so high....  Then it was moving around and switching positions within his company every two years to gain knowledge and experience.  After that it was a cross country move into a higher level. 

 

Last November we decided to move back to the midwest.  The transfer was not a promotion.  HOWEVER, it gave him tons of time over his previous four years of 60+ hours per week plus commute and sometimes going in on weekends.  He's been employed there for 15 years.

[Hoot]

We see each other daily but I don't consider that much of it quality time. Dh is often planted in front of a screen wearing headphones talking to video game buddies when he's home on his meal break/day off. I often give up on conversation.

 

He sees ds daily but not for long spurts. He has a rotating schedule and ds is asleep when he comes home or when he gets up and they see each other sometime during the day (either for a few hours after work or before work on the later shifts. Also typically during a meal break because he often comes home).

 

We do have a show we watch together which is coming back on the air this month. That will be nice.

 

Pretty much this!

 

I leave for work at 5:45am and DH snores until the last possible second before he has to get up at 7:15am.  He gets home around 6pm.  I have to be in bed by 8pm in order to get up by 4am every morning.  That 2 hrs. between DH getting home and me going to bed consists of him puttering around outside, playing on his smartphone, cooking dinner (his choice, he likes to cook) and then him plopping in front of the tv.  We might say a few words about our respective days, but no quality time happens.  On the weekends, we might watch a show together if we get a chance, but because it's baseball season, he can usually be found playing on his smartphone while watching a game.  He hates deep conversation, so anything more intelligent than tv talk or this is what I did today rarely happens.  And when it does happen, it is very one-sided.  We share no interests or hobbies, though I did really try to like football once. 

 

Between DH and DS, there is little quality time, though DH does drive him to and from karate once a week, baseball once a week, and youth group once a week.  Any discussion that might happen (mostly on DS's part, DH is more of a listen and try to fix it or listen and criticize type) would happen during those times.  At home, DH doesn't really interact with DS much, if at all.

 

For the most part though, while I wish DH was more curious about the world and interested in deep discussion, the rest doesn't bother me.  I don't mind our minimal time together because when we spend too much time together (a 3-day weekend is pushing it) we get kind of sick of each other pretty fast and start pecking.

[Erin]

This is an interesting thread. In other words, Trap's scheduled week's vacation, every month, which he devotes to the kids and I, probably isn't as bad as I think it is...

[MiMi 4under3]

DH leaves the house at 4:15 am when we're all asleep, and returns in the early evenings - sometimes late evenings - and sometimes stays overnight on 24 hr. call.

 

His bedtime is 8/8:15 pm, so after dinner and a shower, we only see him for about an hour.

 

On weekends, if he's off, is our quality family time - and we "let" DH choose the activity for the day.

[Aspasia]

This is an interesting thread. In other words, Trap's scheduled week's vacation, every month, which he devotes to the kids and I, probably isn't as bad as I think it is...

 

It sounds dreamy to me.

 

My husband works from 9-6:30, but has a 1.5 hour commute EACH WAY. He's also working on an MBA, so he has class two nights a week. That means he leaves here at 7:30 in the morning and gets home just after 8:00 most nights. He doesn't get home until after 10:00 on school nights. In the summer, I tend to let the older kids stay up until he gets home on the "early" nights, so he puts them to bed. Once daylight savings happens, their bed time will go back to 7:00 (I just refuse to deal with the havoc that wreaks on sleep/nap schedules), which means they won't see him much during the week. The two older ones try desperately to get up early so they can see him in the mornings before he leaves. It's pretty sad. :(

 

He and I spend at least a couple hours together every night. I'm usually stressing about how little time we are all together. Every now and then I think, if he's happy doing what he's going (he loves his job) and I'm happy doing what I'm doing (I am), then maybe this isn't really a problem. But then I remember the kids, and I really think they're losing here. 

 

So yeah, if we had a week of real vacation every month (even when dh is home, he's constantly emailing), we would be in heaven!

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is an interesting thread. In other words, Trap's scheduled week's vacation, every month, which he devotes to the kids and I, probably isn't as bad as I think it is...

I honestly can't imagine how it could have been perceived as bad. . .   

[Mimm]

We are very fortunate. My husband is off at a reasonable time in the evenings (usually home at 5:30). He spends time with the kids and usually plays with the baby these days while I make dinner. He is home on weekends. He plays video games but schedules that around spending time with the kids. He's very involved.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

We are unnaturally lucky, I guess.

 

DH works from 6 am to 2 pm and his commute is about 15 minutes- he's home by 2:30-3:00 everyday, unless there is a meeting, or he's in "training". Which happens a couple times a year, and he's home by 4:30 or 5:00.

 

His work is "classified" so it is never allowed to be taken home, ever. Work stays at work.

 

He comes straight home and spends time with us, though he does usually pass out on the couch soon after being home, especially if the baby is still napping.

 

It's a federal gubment job so he gets all the holidays off, plus 28 days of vacation a year. And he has a ton of sick days, which he himself never uses, but he can use them to stay home if I get sick or something.

 

It's pretty sweet, and we are surrounded by people whose husbands work in DC and don't get home until 7 or 8 o'clock at night, so I don't take it for granted.

[Miss Peregrine]

DH works 12 hr shifts so he is home 3 days one week and 4 the next, alternating. He is not available much on the days he works because he has an hour commute, but usually long enough to eat a meal and help a little with school/ stuff around here.

[MrsBasil]

DH drives out in the oil fields here in CO. His current job offers a 5 on/2 off then 5 on/3off that he works. When he's home, he's home. We spend his days off mostly together or with family. He works 10-14 hours a day but that's the nature of the job.

 

He is usually home for dinner on work days and then plays with the kids or, if exhausted, they play Disney Infinity or some other game for half an hour, works out with DS, and goes to bed.

[bettyandbob]

What do you define as "quality time".

 

My kids are teens. We are lucky, in that dh works very close to home. That does preclude long hours. It does mean dh can come home and do something and go back to work. So, this might mean leaving work to pick up a dc and bring dc home or drop dc off. Driving time can be quality time for teens. My oldest, especially opens to talk in the car. This child does not participate in meal time talk, so family dinner is not as helpful in making connections. As a result a few minutes in the car can be better than blocks of an hour or more.

[Carrie12345]

Dh has always had crazy hours but, at one point, he was working for a small company that genuinely cared about Real Life.  There was never any reliable schedule, but he was able to take down time whenever he could in return for busting his butt when he needed to.

 

Before he got that job and since that company was sold has been completely different.  We are actually separated right now because that lifestyle really isn't working for us.  Since we separated, he's done a lot more to pull together some real time with the kids, which is great, but it's still erratic.  And now he's working out of the country for a full month, so the kids are struggling with having that new arrangement pulled out from under them.

 

I still feel that there can be a "stage of life" where minimal amounts of quality time can be overcome in the long run, but I don't see it as a viable long term lifestyle.  I started to snap around the 10 year mark.

3 weeks on, 1 week off sounds pretty cool to me!

[Alice]

Dh and I switch off who works and who is home. We both work part-time. He's about 30 hours a week, I work two days, one is 1p-8p and the other is 7a-1p. We live close to his job and not too far from mine so commute times are not a factor. He's home by 6:30 every night so we are all together for dinner and evening activities. Weekends are typically all together, we might split up for whatever kid activities are going on. Sundays we are almost always all together. We are also lucky to have a lot of family in the area so it's fairly easy to go out on dates. This year I've made an effort to plan at least one date a month. We also get time alone together in the evenings when kids are in bed. 

 

Some of our situation is choice but we are also very aware that we are very blessed. Dh has made an intentional choice to give up some benefits in his career in order to be home more with the kids. But we are also very lucky that he has a job and a boss that allow him to do that. As a previous poster said, we also have made choices to give up some financial benefits. Compared to most people in our area we live fairly modestly but we are also very aware that we are lucky to be able to make the choice at all and to have jobs that pay a good living working only part time. 

[Just Kate]

My dh also works in the oil field and works away from home for two weeks and then is home for a week. As a PP stated, the hard part for me is going back and forth. When dh is gone, I miss him terribly, but I get used to doing everything my way. Then when he comes home, he is just here (tries to spend as much time relaxing and playing well th the kids as possible), so rules and expectations get confused a bit. Also, I tend to think that when dh comes home, things will be easier for me, but often that's not the case. When dh is working, he works 14-15 hour days. So when he comes home, he is exhausted. So not a lot of help to me with cleaning up the kitchen, etc.

 

As for quality time (the original question, oops!) during the week that dh is home, he really tries to spend good quality time with the kids. But they are in school and activities, so he has to work around that. My wish dh and I could get a date night every time he's home, but that rarely happens.