DS and vbs...am I overreacting?

[kwickimom]

I just don't think that you can spring upon a parent that they all of a sudden have to stay. Yes, it is a voluntary thing, but they should state upfront that you have to stay. We wouldn't have near the amount of kids we have at our VBS if we required parents to come. VBS is for the children and so if we want them to come, we must be ready to take care of any and all kinds of children. 

[Erin]

 

 

Inviting visitors into classrooms is against most church policies for safety reasons

I wonder if this is actually true.  

If so, how utterly sad…  :(

[catz]

I have not read other responses.  Is this a free program run by volunteers?  If so, yes it stinks, but that's how things roll with volunteer run programs unless you want to get involved.  I don't think it should be shocking to anyone that preschoolers run, but if you're the only volunteer that shows up and you're in charge of 12 preschoolers, I can see why you may have to make a hard decision.  If you PAID for him to participate and these are paid employees, I would be mad and be looking for a refund.  If it is volunteer run, I wouldn't be mad at all.  I'd either consider arranging to volunteer if I really wanted my kid to participate, or just not do that program next time.   

[SKL]

Sure, it would have been great if they had had more layers of volunteers just in case.  But they didn't.  Maybe it's a small church.  I think it's unreasonable to treat a free, volunteer, once-week-a-year service as an entitlement, which is what I'm kind of seeing here.

 

It was very nice of them to have a preschool VBS class in the first place.  And nice of them to allow folks from other churches to come to it.  And nice of them to allow drop-offs.  And nice of them to not cancel the whole class when the unexpected occurred.  So what if it wasn't being run just like a daycare business - it isn't a business.

[SKL]

I wonder if this is actually true.  

If so, how utterly sad…   :(

 

It's not really for "safety" reasons, it's probably for "insurance" reasons.

[Χά�ων]

4 year olds are handfuls. The more in a group the more of a handful they all are. 4 year olds are learning how to be in a classroom. Nothing describe is out of the norm.

[mamaraby]

I suspect you missed the cues they gave you. They did tell you that he was being a handful. As a pp said, they were being polite, but they would not have remarked about his activity or needing to be redirected if he wasn't being a handful.

Then they should come right out and say it - with words. When you are taking care of other people's children then you owe the parents of those children the respect to be honest about your limitations. Avoiding having an uncomfortable discussion because you think you're being "polite" is not doing anyone a favor. It also isn't polite. You can set clear expectations and be honest about your limitations while still being polite. The person in charge of the VBS should have contacted the OP before that night to explain. I'm betting if they had not only would the OP have had a better feeling about it, but they would have maintained a better witness in the process.

 

I'm sorry, but for all the talk of it "not being free babysitting" the fact is that's in essence what VBS is and no amount of hand waving and super special spiritual talk is going to change that. If the church running it doesn't understand that or can't anticipate it happening, then they should reconsider running a VBS.

 

Yes, it's run by volunteers and yes, it's difficult to get people to follow through. When dh was a children's pastor, he had volunteers canceling on him at the last minute all the time. He would be the first to admit that what he was running was in effect childcare. Yup, that's the nature of children's programming. He also had to have difficult conversations with parents about their children. He used words - no jedi mind tricks necessary or guessing on the part of parents. We can... We can't... We'd love to, but... And if the volunteers aren't there, then you have to adjust what you offer.

 

I'm sorry, OP. They should have communicated with you clearly about their limitations and they should have done so before that night which would have eased an awkward moment for you and helped ease the disappointment for your son.

[TammyS]

See, it would bug me much more to be told that I was not allowed to be in the room with my kid because they hadn't confirmed I wasn't a registered child abuser.

 

I understand that fear of lawsuits / insurance requirements have driven organizations to implement "safety" procedures that are actually unnecessary.  It bothers me to see that this has made parents think their child is actually unsafe in a situation with another child's mom in a room.

 

Would you have felt better if they had said "sorry, our screened volunteer didn't show up, and you haven't been screened so you can't stay, so please take your child and leave now"?

 

I would also note that the policy that moms (or dads) can't stay with their high-maintenance kids (without first passing a background check) could limit opportunities for many special needs kids.  Some parents might not pass the background check for all kinds of reasons that are not relevant to the immediate situation.

 

:iagree:

 

And a "never, ever being alone with a child" policy is going to be a much bigger safety measure than a background check, anyway.  Clearing a background check just means you haven't been caught at anything.

 

[Erin]

I'm sorry, but for all the talk of it "not being free babysitting" the fact is that's in essence what VBS is and no amount of hand waving and super special spiritual talk is going to change that. If the church running it doesn't understand that or can't anticipate it happening, then they should reconsider running a VBS.

 

:huh: 

I think you're confusing a daycare with a program designed to introduce children to God's Word…  

[mamaraby]

:huh:

I think you're confusing a daycare with a program designed to introduce children to God's Word…

Nope. I'm well aware of what a VBS. Dh ran quite a few in his day. That does not, however, change the realities associated with taking care of other people's children for an hour or however long the program lasts.

[SKL]

Then they should come right out and say it - with words. When you are taking care of other people's children then you owe the parents of those children the respect to be honest about your limitations. Avoiding having an uncomfortable discussion because you think you're being "polite" is not doing anyone a favor. It also isn't polite. You can set clear expectations and be honest about your limitations while still being polite. The person in charge of the VBS should have contacted the OP before that night to explain. I'm betting if they had not only would the OP have had a better feeling about it, but they would have maintained a better witness in the process.

 

I'm sorry, OP. They should have communicated with you clearly about their limitations and they should have done so before that night which would have eased an awkward moment for you and helped ease the disappointment for your son.

 

Or OP would have had her feelings hurt and pulled her kid out sooner.

 

I think they were honest.  She knows her child has issues, that is why she worked so hard to prepare him and was not sure how it was going to go.  It was not necessary for her to stay the first 3 days because they had an extra person in the room (over the normal daycare ratio for 4yos).  But she should have known that it was always a possibility.  I believe she did know it.  It happened on an inconvenient day, but that was not anybody's fault.

 

Maybe the dad, who is apparently angriest here, is not ready to acknowledge that the child has issues.  My brother was shocked when someone told him that his 14yo was probably ASD.  Nobody else except my brother was the least bit surprised.

[mamaraby]

Or OP would have had her feelings hurt and pulled her kid out sooner.

 

I think they were honest.

That's very possible, but it would have certainly given her the option to do so sooner.

 

They weren't being honest if she "missed the signs they were giving her." If they didn't come right out and say it, then they weren't being honest.

[SKL]

I've been taking my four year old son to VBS at a nearby church--not one we attend--this week. He has some SPD but we had worked hard all summer on potty training and coping with chaos and noise with VBS with our goal. He has done well and loved VBS. He struggled some with the noise and singing in the opening but would sit quietly outside in the foyer with me or his grandma(whoever was dropping him off) until it was time to go to his class.

 

Reports from his teachers were that he was hyper in class and wanted to run but obedient once redirected. He has never before been in a situation where he had to sit in a circle or stand in line, but we had practiced and he was doing ok.

 

Sounds to me like they were honest and she knew things were tentative.

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

SKL, did MedicMom bring her kid to your church's VBS or something? You seem to be particularly affronted by the OP.

[freesia]

Then they should come right out and say it - with words. When you are taking care of other people's children then you owe the parents of those children the respect to be honest about your limitations. Avoiding having an uncomfortable discussion because you think you're being "polite" is not doing anyone a favor. It also isn't polite. You can set clear expectations and be honest about your limitations while still being polite. The person in charge of the VBS should have contacted the OP before that night to explain. I'm betting if they had not only would the OP have had a better feeling about it, but they would have maintained a better witness in the process.

 

 

I'm sorry, OP. They should have communicated with you clearly about their limitations and they should have done so before that night which would have eased an awkward moment for you and helped ease the disappointment for your son.

What part of "Your child tried to run away but we were able to stop him" is cryptic? They could handle him with an extra person. They couldn't without.

[Davysmom]

See now I'm just wondering why the boy wasn't going to his dad's birthday dinner. :leaving:

 

 

I was wondering that too... Glad I wasn't the only one.

[freesia]

Or OP would have had her feelings hurt and pulled her kid out sooner.

 

I think they were honest.  She knows her child has issues, that is why she worked so hard to prepare him and was not sure how it was going to go.  It was not necessary for her to stay the first 3 days because they had an extra person in the room (over the normal daycare ratio for 4yos).  But she should have known that it was always a possibility.  I believe she did know it.  It happened on an inconvenient day, but that was not anybody's fault.

 

Maybe the dad, who is apparently angriest here, is not ready to acknowledge that the child has issues.  My brother was shocked when someone told him that his 14yo was probably ASD.  Nobody else except my brother was the least bit surprised.

This is exactly what I think.

[Jean in Newcastle]

If I were the OP, I would just call today to see if they have enough volunteers today.  They did the first 3 days.  They didn't yesterday.  Chances are they will have enough again today - or not, but as a parent I would be the one checking this out, not deciding to withdraw him just because they had a staffing problem for one day.  

[SKL]

That's very possible, but it would have certainly given her the option to do so sooner.

 

They weren't being honest if she "missed the signs they were giving her." If they didn't come right out and say it, then they weren't being honest.

 

We will have to agree to disagree on this.  There are two people in every communication.  We say things all the time that require interpretation.  We say "if you don't mind" and "no problem" when that isn't exactly what we mean.

 

When it comes down to it, this child's needs are his mom's responsibility.

[SKL]

SKL, did MedicMom bring her kid to your church's VBS or something? You seem to be particularly affronted by the OP.

 

No, I am affronted by the way some posters seem to be making preschool VBS an entitlement to all children regardless of anything.  It's unreasonable.

 

I don't even take my kids to VBS or have any involvement with it at all.

[rmtzc2009]

To answer your question, IMHO yes, you are overreacting.  And I say this gently as a mom of 3 kids that have different degrees of special needs.  I've been in your shoes many times.  Here's what I do to prevent as many issues as possible.

 

Call in advance of a program and explain all of your concerns regarding struggles you anticipate your child to have and advise them ahead of time of his SPD. 

Ask if they are comfortable with what you've told them, do they feel they have adequate staff and how they will handle things if he does struggle.  If you have any questions, now is the time to ask them.

** Never schedule commitments that can't be broken while the child is attending a program**  Expect that you may be needed and be available so that you can ensure that your child has a great experience.

Recognize the limitations of programs run by volunteers and be very gracious offering to help come up with solutions for your child that works for the program and your child.

 

The above things have made it possible for my kids to participate in lots of things.  We still sometimes had some issues but IMO the parent has to be proactive and advocate for the child in situations like this.  Volunteers are not trained to take on kids with challenges or that require more 1 on 1 care and I believe strongly they want to do their best, they have limitations and we should respect that.  And volunteers DO expect wiggly energetic kids, SPD is a whole other situation.  Again, I say this as a mom with an SPD kid.

 

If the VBS would have asked you to teach, I would have had a problem with that.  Asking you to sit in and help out with your own child-is nothing to be upset about.  I think they were trying to be kind and accommodating so your son didn't have to be disappointed.  What I would tell my kid is that I'm sorry but *I* made other plans and so he wasn't able to continue with VBS.  I think they handled it as best they could under the circumstances.  I'm going to assume someone got sick and couldn't teach, that can't be planned the night before.  You also mentioned trying to prepare your ds all summer for VBS.  While I think that's awesome I also think it's odd to anticipate he will struggle but then set up firm plans that can't be altered during the week.  I know it's tough so give yourself some grace as well, it's a learning curve figuring out the best way to help our kids.

[catz]

That's very possible, but it would have certainly given her the option to do so sooner.

 

They weren't being honest if she "missed the signs they were giving her." If they didn't come right out and say it, then they weren't being honest.

 

I think it is beyond a volunteer's "pay grade" to evaluate and make detailed judgments on others children when they are working with 12 kids at a time for an hour or 2 for a week.  It sounds like they did say he wasn't the easiest kid in the classroom and needed to be corralled.  Which as a parent, would have been my clue that maybe it wasn't going great.   I can't imagine what else they would have said or done.

 

My son has some quirky 2E tendancies and was a difficult and busy preschooler.  I would dropped him off in a new situation without spending some time in the hall and letting the teacher know I could be called at any time at this age.  Especially for a volunteer run program.  I do think expectations were too high.  It would be amazing if all volunteer run programs were run like everyone was a professionally trained teacher, but that's just not realistic.

[SKL]

Actually, one of the kids in my daughters' kindergarten class had to be removed and her mom had to pick her up multiple times every week.  (And there were only 9 kids to 1 teacher.)  So there is no guarantee that even in a paid or entitled situation they will make all the accommodations on their side.

[SoCalLynn]

I actually don't think one adult should be with 11 perfectly behaved preschoolers (hypothetically). There should be two adults in any class at all times - for legal reasons.

 

This is our church's policy. If there was not a second helper that night the entire pre-school room would have been cancelled.

[mamaraby]

Sorry, I still have a hard time understanding why it was outside of their capabailities to use their words and clearly communicate with the parent.

 

And no, I don't expect all the volunteers to be trained teachers, but I do expect them to know what they can or can't handle and communicate that accordingly. If they don't feel like they can, then there needs to be someone in charge who can. And if there isn't someone in charge who can do that then they need to reconsider offering the program or change the way they offer it.

 

Yes, it's admirable to have more lofty ideas about your children's programming, but you also have to be grounded in reality. I get why the OP is upset. Over reacting? Probably a little, but there's plenty of blame to go around in this situation.

[freesia]

Sorry, I still have a hard time understanding why it was outside of their capabailities to use their words and clearly communicate with the parent.

 

And no, I don't expect all the volunteers to be trained teachers, but I do expect them to know what they can or can't handle and communicate that accordingly. If they don't feel like they can, then there needs to be someone in charge who can. And if there isn't someone in charge who can do that then they need to reconsider offering the program or change the way they offer it.

 

Yes, it's admirable to have more lofty ideas about your children's programming, but you also have to be grounded in reality. I get why the OP is upset. Over reacting? Probably a little, but there's plenty of blame to go around in this situation.

What words do you feel would have been clearer? I am not being snarky; I often have to have these conversations with parents. She told the parent that their son was hyper and tried to run. Should they have told her that he was very difficult, but they were manageing? It seems to me that those are using value words. Explaining the behavior is much more clear, imho.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:confused: They did use their words.  They talked to her as soon as they realized that there was a problem with staffing for that night.  She didn't just intuit all of this.

[marbel]

Inviting visitors into classrooms is against most church policies for safety reasons, so I'm in agreement with you on that count.

 

<snip>

 

 

I wonder if this is actually true.  

If so, how utterly sad…   :(

 

It's been my experience that a parent is welcome to stay to observe a class and/or help their own child as desired or needed.  I sat in on plenty of classes with my son when he was little, to ensure good behavior on his part. I had zero contact with other kids and the screened volunteers were still there, so I'm not clear what safety problem it would pose.

 

I would be unhappy with a policy that would not allow me to visit a class.  I've only once encountered hesitance, and that was because the Sunday School teacher was uncomfortable having other adults observe her teaching.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I've helped with several VBS, children's choirs  and church music camps. 

 

I'd be willing to bet a mortgage payment that someone failed to show up that morning due to illness, their child's illness, a family emergency, or some such thing, so the teacher didn't know they were short staffed until that morning.  This happens ALL THE TIME and even churches who are over prepared and have a few extra people to fill in the gaps can still run short when a flu bug hits several workers or when an unprecedented number of children show up to attend.  They get put in difficult situations like these and have to make a tough call sometimes.

 

One special needs child can be a challenge.  It's not unusual these days to have more than one special needs child in a class.  The staff have to decide if they don't have enough volunteers to keep a child that isn't doing well at the expense of all the others and increase the risk or if they simply ask the parent, who is the most knowledgeable and skilled to handle the child to stay. When you're in a group environment, all decisions have to be made based on what's best for the group.  Individual situations are the only ones where the needs of the individual can be put at the top.  Sorry, that's all people can do in that situation.

 

I think parents of special needs children in general need to be more immediately available in group situations because you never know how a child is going react to a new situation the first several days. You never know which staffing problem will arise, but at least one always does. All of this needs to be clearly stated when the parents sign the children up.

[FriedClams]

My son is almost 12. We had an identical experience with VBS at 3. The exception was that I was on staff! I was ticked at the time, but his class leader had one kid, a quiet, compliant boy. Now, we laugh or hears of about his "getting kicked out of VBS", and it's hysterical. It's a great family joke.

[Murphy101]

If she was asking you to help with other kids, that might be off to me. But staying to help your own kid bc they don't have the staff to do it? No, that doesn't bother me at all. You don't need some kind if clearance to be with your own kids. :)

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

<hugs> I know how hard it is with a child who needs extra at that age.

[SKL]

Sorry, I still have a hard time understanding why it was outside of their capabailities to use their words and clearly communicate with the parent.

 

And no, I don't expect all the volunteers to be trained teachers, but I do expect them to know what they can or can't handle and communicate that accordingly. If they don't feel like they can, then there needs to be someone in charge who can. And if there isn't someone in charge who can do that then they need to reconsider offering the program or change the way they offer it.

 

Yes, it's admirable to have more lofty ideas about your children's programming, but you also have to be grounded in reality. I get why the OP is upset. Over reacting? Probably a little, but there's plenty of blame to go around in this situation.

 

They did communicate.  They told the mom that he was a challenge but they were able to handle him when there were 2 volunteers.  Then they told her they were unable to handle him when there was only 1 volunteer.  It seems completely clear to me.

 

I think the most helpful posts here are the ones where SN moms are telling OP that this is what she needs to be prepared for going forward.  A lot of activities are not designed with SN kids in mind and the parents have to have a different approach and more backup plans than parents of NT kids.  I agree that it is unfortunate.  But it is realistic.

[Peaceful Isle]

I don't have time to read all the responses, but...

 

My dh and I have run many vacation Bible schools at our church. We have never turned a child away, unless it was a mother that wanted free babysitting for her infant ;p Our church was small, but we always made sure there were enough workers to take care of the kids.

I'm so sorry you had this experience at that church. They are obviously understaffed and not adequately prepared for VBS and should not have had it in the first place.

[Laurie4b]

The fact that they would even allow one teacher with any preschoolers not her own--even one-- let alone 12 is not consistent with safe practices in adults with children because 1) the teacher could be abusive in some way and there would be no protection for the children 2) an emergency could happen and there is only one adult: child choking, anaphylactic reaction, bad fall.... if there are 12 preschoolers plus me in a classroom, and a child is choking, who goes for help?

 

Your child did nothing wrong that you are aware of. If he did, they gave you inaccurate feedback implying that he didn't. I would try to take back any words you said that may have implied to any extent that it was his fault.

 

  However, I wouldn't let him go back unless you are there because of the child safety practices and I would tell him that they just don't have enough teachers to make sure that kids are safe.

 

ETA: I say this as someone with years experience in running church children's programs.  A well-run program doesn't run with zero margin.

 

We would never have allowed one adult to be alone with any children not her own. Just not happening because it is too risky.

[kroe1]

If there was only one teacher and 12 tiny children, I would not have left my kiddo irrespective of his activity level. It becomes a safety issue at that point. If your kiddo had fun, he wants to go again, and there are more teachers, then let him go.

 

My own DD was the kiddo who was always an active roamer. I never left her without super duper available staff everywhere. It is one of the reasons we ultimately fell in love with homeschooling because I did not have to worry about her wearing out her teacher.

[MedicMom]

I just want to say I wasn't looking for free childcare. He was invited Monday by his cousin, he seemed to have a good time and had recently done VBS at our church and loved it. We let him continue going because he was enjoying it. There was no reason he couldn't go to the birthday dinner, we were taking our two year old, we just thought VBS would be more fun for him than a dinner with a bunch of adults and older kids. I was not able to break my dinner commitment to stay at VBS with him.

 

I was disappointed that they didn't pull me aside at the very beginning of the session that night and tell me there was a problem. We still would have had to leave, but not sitting through the opening songs and program would have lessened his anticipation and subsequent disappointment.

 

He had done really really well in our vbs program and does great in Sunday school, but thinking about it I realize that there were fewer kids and a lot more outside running around time. I should have realized or asked ahead of time, but it was a last minute invite on Monday and then we let him keep going because he was having fun.

[SKL]

I was disappointed that they didn't pull me aside at the very beginning of the session that night and tell me there was a problem. We still would have had to leave, but not sitting through the opening songs and program would have lessened his anticipation and subsequent disappointment.

 

I'm sorry he was disappointed.  I agree that if they knew about the staffing issue before the opening songs, they should have talked to you then.  Maybe they were hoping someone would show up in the mean time, but that is not really a good excuse.  I would chalk it up to an inexperienced volunteer not being really prepared and forward-thinking under pressure.

 

They should probably have a section in the VBS volunteer training to discuss what the procedure is if a volunteer doesn't show up, and also how and when this should be communicated to parents.

 

Because no ill will seems to have been involved, I would not stop going over this, but if you have other responsibilities tonight, that is a good reason to skip it.

[KungFuPanda]

What will be gained by not sending him? You're not punishing the staff. For them it's less work if he's not there. You're only punishing your son. Honestly, your DH sounds miffed that his free babysitters fell through. He's mad his son was at his birthday dinner, but thinks a stranger should be delighted to watch a dozen preschoolers alone? It doesn't add up.

[KungFuPanda]

Dp

[MedicMom]

What will be gained by not sending him? You're not punishing the staff. For them it's less work if he's not there. You're only punishing your son. Honestly, your DH sounds miffed that his free babysitters fell through. He's mad his son was at his birthday dinner, but thinks a stranger should be delighted to watch a dozen preschoolers alone? It doesn't add up.

No, DH wanted to bring DS with us in the first place but after talking about it we thought he would like VBS better than hanging out with us. We were taking DD anyway. DH's issue was that he felt it was chaotic and unorganized to begin with and this was the last straw so to speak. And he was annoyed that they waited until after the beginning program to speak to me.

 

We aren't keeping him home to punish anyone. I am working tonight and no one is available to watch DD if DH needed to stay with our son at VBS. grandma isn't available until half way through the program, but she offered a special movie and ice cream Grandma-Josh evening once she's home, so I don't think he will even notice that he's missing vbs.

 

 

ETA: I just spoke with my cousin to let her know DS won't be there tonight. She said they wound up with 17 preschoolers last night and one leader. I guess I am glad we left; he would have really struggled in that environment, even if I was there. She also said she hasn't heard anything negative from any of his teachers, just that he is wiggly and doesn't like to sit still and gets tired by the end, which is 8:45, and that truly is a little late for him.

[SKL]

No, DH wanted to bring DS with us in the first place but after talking about it we thought he would like VBS better than hanging out with us. We were taking DD anyway. DH's issue was that he felt it was chaotic and unorganized to begin with and this was the last straw so to speak. And he was annoyed that they waited until after the beginning program to speak to me.

 

We aren't keeping him home to punish anyone. I am working tonight and no one is available to watch DD if DH needed to stay with our son at VBS. grandma isn't available until half way through the program, but she offered a special movie and ice cream Grandma-Josh evening once she's home, so I don't think he will even notice that he's missing vbs.

 

 

ETA: I just spoke with my cousin to let her know DS won't be there tonight. She said they wound up with 17 preschoolers last night and one leader. I guess I am glad we left; he would have really struggled in that environment, even if I was there. She also said she hasn't heard anything negative from any of his teachers, just that he is wiggly and doesn't like to sit still and gets tired by the end, which is 8:45, and that truly is a little late for him.

 

Maybe there will be even more kids tonight.  Might just not be the best place for him right now anyway.

 

I think VBS is never going to be all that well organized since it is just a one-week thing.  I don't even know why they do VBS for such young kids, unless their parents are there anyway as volunteers etc.

 

Have you considered putting your son in a part-time preschool over a longer time period?  Sounds like he enjoys being with his peers.

 

[Murphy101]

If the volunteers are asking just anyone's parent to suddenly also volunteer to help with all the kids - I'd have issues with that.

But I have no issues with any parent sticking around with their own child at any event at any time.

In fact, if someone told me I couldn't stay with my kid?

I'd promptly leave and take all members of my family with me. And expect a full refund if I paid for it.

It is utterly ridiculous to think I need a background check or someone's approval to be with my own child at any event.

I also don't think being with my own kid at an event obligates me to help with everyone else's kids.

 

I'm sorry he was disappointed. I agree that if they knew about the staffing issue before the opening songs, they should have talked to you then. Maybe they were hoping someone would show up in the mean time, but that is not really a good excuse. I would chalk it up to an inexperienced volunteer not being really prepared and forward-thinking under pressure.

 

They should probably have a section in the VBS volunteer training to discuss what the procedure is if a volunteer doesn't show up, and also how and when this should be communicated to parents.

 

Because no ill will seems to have been involved, I would not stop going over this, but if you have other responsibilities tonight, that is a good reason to skip it.

I haven't read details as to why a volunteer wasn't available or why they didn't say something sooner. For all I know they started with plenty and volunteers had emergencies. It happens. Usually last minute as per Murphy's law. The nature of free is people get what they pay for and if they don't like it, they are going to need to ante up and help make it better themselves. These people are volunteers, not paid professionals. If they are relatively safe and kind, then all is usually good IMO.

 

No reason to think he'd be less miffed if they'd paid someone. Kids cramp parental plans all the time even without SN issues. It's disappointing, but there's no point being pissy about it. It's just life. Baby is sure to wake up if daddy touches mommy. A kid will get bashed in the face with a floor if the next day is family pictures. If a mom wears white that will be the one day something dark and staining will land on her. If you make fancy adult dinner plans, the babysitter will fall through. *shrug*

 

ETA after reding updated post...

 

I've never seen a VBS that did not seem chaotic and unorganized. Personally I feel the same way about most public schools too. And I'm sure I look that way to others. It's hard to make herding cats look any other way. LOL

[MrsMommy]

I don't have time to read all the responses, but...

 

My dh and I have run many vacation Bible schools at our church. We have never turned a child away, unless it was a mother that wanted free babysitting for her infant ;p Our church was small, but we always made sure there were enough workers to take care of the kids.

I'm so sorry you had this experience at that church. They are obviously understaffed and not adequately prepared for VBS and should not have had it in the first place.

 

I don't think that it's fair to assume that the church was unprepared and understaffed, and shouldn't have been having VBS just because of this event. I, too, have run several VBS programs at a few churches, and while I can't remember a situation quite like this one, I have seen a perfect storm of events happen on one day to really screw stuff up. You just never know who is going to have a family emergency or get sick or even just flake out, and no matter how prepared a church is, they might be left short-handed. And I think that there is too much emphasis here on turning the child away...they had a solution for the child to stay, but it didn't work out for the family. It's not like they were met at the door and told "Go away and don't come back."

 

Frankly, I'm impressed that they were upfront and honest about their inability to handle that many littles at once. Many churches are so focused on getting bodies to VBS that they overlook potentially bad situations like leaving a teacher with too many children to really supervise. At least they recognized their limitations, and did offer a solution, even if it didn't work out in this case.

[QueenCat]

I wonder if this is actually true.  

If so, how utterly sad…   :(

 

Visitors are welcome in our classrooms but we do have two volunteers in there that do have training as well as background checks. Visitors can even stay and help but they don't count as part of our minimum "two" other than for a few minutes, perhaps, while waiting for all volunteers to get there.

[Storygirl]

It sounds like you have figured out your course of action, but I thought I would chime in with a suggestion for the future. Now that you know that your child needs some extra attention in group activities such as VBS, I'd suggest that you notify people in advance. We happen to go to a large church, so we have many volunteers at our VBS, and when they know that a child needs extra help, they will assign someone just to that child for the week. Usually an older teen, unless they think an adult is needed. Smaller churches or places with fewer volunteers may not have enough helper to meet your son's needs. An advance conversation would be helpful for both you and the church or organization next time, so that everyone can figure out how best to prepare or figure out ahead of time that it won't work well. I realize this was kind of a last minute invitation and that your son has not had much experience with organized activities of this sort, so it was new for all of you.

 

I have a son with both ADHD and SPD. Now, he always manages to hold his behavior together at church, so we haven't had to deal with this kind of thing with him, but I know what a handful that he can be at home. We have never used babysitters other than grandparents, because when he was little, he was just a lot to handle for someone who also had to watch my other kids. So I know what it is like to have an atypical, high energy kid. You are likely to have situations like this come up in the future. Some people and organizations will not be equipped to offer your son the level of supervision that he requires. Try not to be offended when it happens. It can be both emotionally and physical challenging to parent a child with extra needs. Be prepared for these situations to come up, be proactive whenever you can by alerting people ahead of time, and be understanding when people just can't accommodate you. This probably won't be the last time, but maybe you can avoid feeling this upset the next time. :grouphug:

[Tammi K]

I don't think that it's fair to assume that the church was unprepared and understaffed, and shouldn't have been having VBS just because of this event. I, too, have run several VBS programs at a few churches, and while I can't remember a situation quite like this one, I have seen a perfect storm of events happen on one day to really screw stuff up. You just never know who is going to have a family emergency or get sick or even just flake out, and no matter how prepared a church is, they might be left short-handed. And I think that there is too much emphasis here on turning the child away...they had a solution for the child to stay, but it didn't work out for the family. It's not like they were met at the door and told "Go away and don't come back."

 

Frankly, I'm impressed that they were upfront and honest about their inability to handle that many littles at once. Many churches are so focused on getting bodies to VBS that they overlook potentially bad situations like leaving a teacher with too many children to really supervise. At least they recognized their limitations, and did offer a solution, even if it didn't work out in this case.

 

This is pretty much exactly what I was thinking. But, you said it way more clearly that I would have!

 

[bagel270]

I had to tell a parent that I needed her to come in with her three year old son at our church on Wednesday night. I had seven or so others and this boy could not sit, and was climbing on tables. I did not have anyone else to help me (small church). Should I have taken all the children back to their parents instead of asking her? I felt bad because I know she needed a break, and then she stopped coming.

[Shellydon]

I work VBS.  I had a special needs kiddo who required a huge amount of effort.  He was 5 and could not stay with the group, attend to an activity etc.  If I had a help no-show for some reason, I would not have been able to keep him safe.  The mom was completely unaware of how atypical her child's behaviour was compared to his peers.  Busy and active is one thing, running away is another.

[Joanne]

Sorry, I still have a hard time understanding why it was outside of their capabailities to use their words and clearly communicate with the parent.

 

And no, I don't expect all the volunteers to be trained teachers, but I do expect them to know what they can or can't handle and communicate that accordingly. If they don't feel like they can, then there needs to be someone in charge who can. And if there isn't someone in charge who can do that then they need to reconsider offering the program or change the way they offer it.

 

Yes, it's admirable to have more lofty ideas about your children's programming, but you also have to be grounded in reality. I get why the OP is upset. Over reacting? Probably a little, but there's plenty of blame to go around in this situation.

 

 

I don't see any "blame" needs to be applied anywhere in this situation.

 

VBS (and I have run it, worked it, organized it, and had kids participate) is essentially a community service with a lighthearted (one can only hope) evangelistic slant.

 

No one should be expected to evaluate, communicate, and present a child's issues/special needs to a parent. The volunteers did communicate, and kindly and respectfully, about the child in question.

 

And the OP did her best to prepare her special little one. It was successful! He did well, considering his needs and his first time in this setting.

 

I can only imagine the JAWM posts of parents of the *other* children enrolled if the volunteer coordinator accepted too many kids, including the known children who take more than the average amount of care.

 

It's simply one of those awkward life situations - special needs little trying to enjoy a mainstream, not professional program run by volunteer lay people.

 

Some things in life can't be managed, anticipated, avoided, or dealt with seamlessly or without associated discomfort. This is one of them.

 

I am sorry the little guy couldn't enjoy the remaining days. But he has a childhood full of VBS opportunity. :)