Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 thanks for the help Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I have always said that I cannot control whether or not my kids have boyfriends/girlfriends. That's really not up to me to decide. My children will evaluate their own feelings and relationships and decide for themselves how they classify the people in their lives. If your child has been spending time with someone under the false premise that this person is not someone they are dating, there is not a whole lot you can do about that. You can't talk someone out of their feelings, and you really can't forbid relationships. You can, however, make sure that your child is busier, is given less leeway when going out with friends (since the child has now proved their untrustworthyness), and that the child's interactions with their love interest take place under your supervision. Children will lie and sneak around. I am sure that someone on this board has a child who has never, ever, done so, and if so, congratulations, but the majority of children and young adults will. I did, and my teenage daughter did, and my friends did (my husband claims he never did, but I suspect that at some point in his young life, he lied to his parents at least once). We all turned out well. I wouldn't make a huge, huge deal out of it beyond the fact that the child is now not as trustworthy ... but I wouldn't dwell on the fact that the child lied about having a significant other. You really can't forbid such a thing. You can merely discourage the opportunity and encourage your child to spend his or her time on other things and not obsessing about the love interest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eileen Aroon Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I think if it is an ongoing pattern like it sounds like this is, I would classify it as rebellion, not just a stupid mistake made out of weakness. I treat those differently. I don't have teenagers yet but I was one and I wasn't allowed to date or have a boyfriend until I was 16. That was fun for a year and then I sneaked out one night to see him and his dad busted us. His parents got in touch with mine so everyone was on the same page and we were not allowed to see each other for a month. Since both sets of parents knew that was the agreement, it made it hard for us to sneak around. I had a car but was sufficiently mortified and didn't want to push the disobedience to see what my parents would do. Visions of being shipped to Idaho danced in my head. Oh, and I had to apologize to his parents. This was before cell phones but I would have for sure lost mine for the summer. It was a crummy summer regardless. I am glad they did because even though we were basically good kids and nothing permanent happened, it was just so stupid and risky. I still needed guidance and I am glad my parents gave it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tohru Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I think TaraTheLiberator said it perfectly. Personally, I would re-evaluate my position and re-read Gordon Neufeld's book. If your child has lied about it, then it is your relationship with them that is at stake, that is what I would try to work on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 you made a rule for age and your child has ignored it and secretly is dating/more serious that friends with someone? What does that conversation look like (the one you have when you discover it)? What if your rule is reasonable, but there's been lying that they are just friends? Please help. What do you mean by 'secretly dating?' Do you mean that they are actually sneaking out on dates, like going places they aren't supposed to be, or do you just mean that they like each other romantically and are 'going out'? You can't control feelings, only behavior. You can't stop a kid from liking someone, you can only stop them from talking about it. If the rule is "no being more than friends" then lies would not surprise me. I would reconsider my stance, explain why I made the rule in the first place, but acknowledge that I can't control her feelings. I would have some long discussions about compromising in a way that acknowledges both my concerns and her feelings. I personally think it is impossible to forbid teens from having boyfriends/girlfriends. Will it work with some kids? Sure, but it will just lead to secretiveness and deceit in many more. I know many parents who think their kids follow this rule! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Wait--how old is the child? My answer would be very different for a 13 year old vs. a 17 year old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Wait--how old is the child? My answer would be very different for a 13 year old vs. a 17 year old. :iagree: I'm guessing it's her 14yo dd. Like others, I'm wondering whether they're sneaking around and doing things they shouldn't, or if they're being open about the time they spend together except that Chris hadn't known they were more than just friends. And it's also important to know what "boyfriend" means to the dd. Is it just a label ("he's my boyfriend and I think he's cute,") a goodnight kiss, or more than that? EDITED TO ADD: It looks like Chris and I were posting at the same time -- Based on that information, I would be VERY upset, too!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Are you sure they have been "more than friends" the whole time? IME, "just friends" can just to "more than friends" pretty quickly and sometimes unexpectedly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liza Q Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Chris, I do feel for you. I can only tell what did not work for some of my friends whose children were doing the same things as your daughter Don't decide that, since they started the relationship, it was a done deal and then start planning for them to marry as soon legally possible. Don't forbid them from ever seeing/speaking to each other, even though they are part of the same church and/or homeschool group. What I would do would be to work on our relationship as much as possible AND cut off all electronic communication, even if it meant losing my own internet access. Sure , there would still be a chance that they would figure out a way to keep communicating, but I would want them to know how seriously I take it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Whoa, I can certainly understand your concern! Bit the alarming bits really have nothing to do with your age rule; I am sure you would be quite upset if you found those notes when she was 16. Lying about being just friends may not be acceptable, but it is ​understandable. The other aspects are a much bigger deal. I think I would be so surprised and scared and mad (at the stupidity and putting herself in danger) that I wouldn't know where to start! Maybe you could shoot Joanne a PM and ask her to check in on this thread? Teens are stressful. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Katilac, thanks for responding. Could you pls remove the quote? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I have always said that I cannot control whether or not my kids have boyfriends/girlfriends. That's really not up to me to decide. My children will evaluate their own feelings and relationships and decide for themselves how they classify the people in their lives. If your child has been spending time with someone under the false premise that this person is not someone they are dating, there is not a whole lot you can do about that. You can't talk someone out of their feelings, and you really can't forbid relationships. You can, however, make sure that your child is busier, is given less leeway when going out with friends (since the child has now proved their untrustworthyness), and that the child's interactions with their love interest take place under your supervision. Children will lie and sneak around. I am sure that someone on this board has a child who has never, ever, done so, and if so, congratulations, but the majority of children and young adults will. I did, and my teenage daughter did, and my friends did (my husband claims he never did, but I suspect that at some point in his young life, he lied to his parents at least once). We all turned out well. I wouldn't make a huge, huge deal out of it beyond the fact that the child is now not as trustworthy ... but I wouldn't dwell on the fact that the child lied about having a significant other. You really can't forbid such a thing. You can merely discourage the opportunity and encourage your child to spend his or her time on other things and not obsessing about the love interest. I disagree with this. You *can* control your child's associates. I think it is our duty to make sure those associates are a good influence and following our rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I disagree with this. You *can* control your child's associates. I think it is our duty to make sure those associates are a good influence and following our rules. I think you have completely misunderstood what I said. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I have one teen-age boy, and a soon-to-be teen-aged daughter (and 3 more behind them). We have always said that "if you weren't ready to get married, you weren't ready to date." THAT said, my oldest was 12 when his heart started flip-flopping for a young girl he met at a testing day. He created an e-mail account (without our knowledge) and proceeded to secretly e-mail the girl (whom he considered, and still considers) his girlfriend. The e-mails were innocuous and very innocent, but the sneaking around part was what bothered me. We didn't put the kabosh on the "relationship," but instead set up parameters and guidelines (in concert with her, very conservative parents). We still see all e-mails (and his facebook is an open book), phone calls are made in presence of an adult parent, and the only times they have been together, at least one parent has been present. Our openness with our son has led him to be very open about how he feels, thoughts about dating/relationships/marriage, etc. Which is what we WANT. I have a strong feeling, that had we put our feet down and banned them from speaking, whatever -- things would have gone from bad to worse. Apparently, what we did with our son wasn't enough for my then, 11yo dd, to understand that having a crush, or "liking" a boy was not going to get her into 'trouble." I was very sad when I found a "Dear Abby" type of letter regarding her liking a boy and wondering what she should do, because her mom "wouldn't approve." I wasn't snooping when I found the note, I was just cleaning the school shelves and it fell out (wasn't even folded up). I did pull her aside and talk to her about it being normal and natural to have feelings for a boy, but what was important was how she dealt with them -- and if she hid them from me, I wouldn't be able to help her. I talked to her about how I had "crushes" on boys from a very young age, and that my hope for her is that (a) she would talk to me about them, and ( B) really get to know a boy (besides he's cute, or he seems nice) and © focus on developing as a person herself, understanding what she would need and expect from a boy, so that she could determine if a boy she thinks is "nice" or "cute" is really worth investing herself in... That said, apparently, we DID do a good enough job that when my 10yo son had his first heart-flipping experience this spring, he came to me (of course, he thought he might be ill or dying :lol: ...but he at least TOLD me ETA -- Agree with PP the problem is the sneaking around. You don't want to ruin your relationship with your daughter. This is an area kids need instruction with/training/mentoring -- and yet many of the Christian friends I have seem to think they can just make it a "rule" no boyfriends/dating until one is 16, and it will simply be so, all the while ignoring the fact that their young tweens and teens will be experiencing emotions that they now feel are shameful and must be hidden, simply because it's "not allowed." Rare is the family with a compliant child, who just goes along with what mom and dad decree (at least in my experience). And, to be frank, if your kids are grown and you think your children *never* did that, well...my parents thought the same thing, until my older brother enlightened them to his high-school shenanigans! So, I guess I've taken the more "liberal" approach of teaching/guiding/mentoring my children through the stormy waters of feelings, attraction, how to treat the opposite sex, how to get to know a boy or a girl, why we wait for physical intimacy (physical intimacy is great...but why waiting until we are ready for all that comes with it is important, God's expectations, etc.) I don't want my kids to get in over their heads (which sneaking around tends to lead to). God willing, we're using the best approach for our children -- I pray that is so. I just know the rule-based "thou-shalt-not" was not working. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Katilac, thanks for responding. Could you pls remove the quote? oops, yes, sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 It seems as far as "no dating" the horse is out of the barn. KWIM? I am very jaded on the topic since a young girl I know engaged in activities at 14 that kids in "my generation" weren't getting into until 17-18. I know it is a small sampling, but I got the message from her conversations and actions that the kids are going way farther way sooner than we adults might expect. Given what you've witnessed with your own child, I think it is time to separate the deceit from the situation and deal with it another time. I would be way more concerned about the level of intimacy the relationship has reached more than anything else. My immediate issue would be with keeping my child from doing something that might have lifetime consequences. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 :iagree: I'm guessing it's her 14yo dd. Like others, I'm wondering whether they're sneaking around and doing things they shouldn't, or if they're being open about the time they spend together except that Chris hadn't known they were more than just friends. And it's also important to know what "boyfriend" means to the dd. Is it just a label ("he's my boyfriend and I think he's cute,") a goodnight kiss, or more than that? Oh. I hadn't looked at the siggie. Ah. 14 is a bit young. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I would be more uncomfortable with the sharing of notes with what sounds like pretty detailed (so far just planned, right) planned escapades. That would also make me concerned about the walks in the woods. But I'd feel that way if the girl was 16 and allowed to date, also. Being allowed to date doesn't include permission to have inappropriate conversations and such. It's time to focus on what happens when young teens cross boundaries...some things cannot be taken back. Time to talk about whether this is really the route she wants to take. I feel for you. As a young teen I had more friends who were boys- there was no drama, no backstabbing. I simply hated to be involved with Girl World. My parents were SO worried that I was too involved with those boys. I never fell for one of them, but I can see that if I had, I could have hidden it from my parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I just read the particulars. I think it's time to put the brakes on the relationship, urgently. I would not *forbid* the relationship, as this might backfire. But their time together should absolutely be monitored. No running off into the woods together, no staying in a room alone, no notes, etc. It's not necessarily going to be that hard. Here's what I would do: Sign her up for day camps for the rest of the summer Arrange for a job or start schooling through the summer (Maybe she is bored!!!) Dating rules: Her dates with him can only be in your house, in your presence. He can come over for dinner, when you are home, as much as he likes. He can visit as much as he likes. No cell phone communication. No emails. Basically, you need to have all their communication be face to face in a grownup's presence. This is not a bad thing. Or ship her off to Idaho with that aunt! Seriously, I think this is an emergency. Now, some parents are OK with their teens having s*x. It sounds like you are not. I would seriously limit any unmonitored communication. That said, I don't think it has to be a horrible situation. Since I suggest he can visit every day and have dinner at your house, with your family, they can see each other, so it's not like I am suggesting breaking up the relationship (which could backfire, since the hormones are so active!) I wish you the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Oh. I hadn't looked at the siggie. Ah. 14 is a bit young. Did you read the follow-up post (#7, right after your post) which provides more detail? I'd originally missed it, so I thought you might have been posting at the same time and missed it, too. The details are very worrisome. No wonder Chris is upset! I was imagining something far more innocent. EDITED TO ADD: There we go, posting at the same time again! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LisaKinVA Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Wow! Chris -- I'm so sorry, just read the follow-up...yes, definitely agree that strong brakes are in order...;all conversations/time together should be carefully monitored, dd kept busy (but just so you know, I did have boys who rode their bikes 20 miles to see me...and I've known kids who *really wanted* to do something, find a way...get dropped off, arrange to meet somewhere, often with help from a 3rd party -- so I wouldn't rely on anything that put her out of my sight as a safeguard). I'd also be having some serious one-on-one time to really discover what she's thinking/feeling. She may be romanticizing a lot of this (hopefully, she is still fairly innocent, but the ideas can easily be found on-line, I'm sure). Wow..just wow. So very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I don't have answers, but I just want to give you hugs. I imagine that this situation is very tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ajfries Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 We're of the "dating should take place when one is ready to marry" sort. I also have very young children so it's easier to for me to look at this as what I think my mom should have done had she been in this position; more so than what I should do as a mother, since I just don't have any authority from that angle. My initial reaction is to lock the offending teenager in the basement & arrange for a marriage to take place at the earliest legal age. I joke. Sort of. I would strongly consider sitting them both down and laying my cards on the table. This is what I know. This is what I found. These are my concerns. If you two do indeed wish to continue this relationship, these will be the rules. What do you feel should be the punishment for breaking said rules? So much of the excitement & 'attraction' is in the sneaking around. So much. Once that element is removed, I would not be surprised if things fizzle out. Not to mention the sheer embarrassment of 'my' mother finding...things of the nature of what you found. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 You can't control if she likes someone before she is 16 and I, honestly, would let that part go. I would be worried about the other aspects (what was in the notes) that I would focus on that instead of what you consider her deceit in regards to her age and 'dating'. If she is caught up with him right now and finds your rules about age and dating to be ridiculous and you come at her with that as well as the more important and alarming issues, she might just think you are wrong about all of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I have one teen and a tween, so I'm not offering my opinion from a place of "been there, done that". When I was younger boys weren't the issue until I was much older, so I don't have experience there, either. For me, with my kids, this young teen thing is a proving ground for older teen time. I am very honest with my kids that their behavior has very specific consequences. If you lie to me at 14, then it will take a while to earn back my trust. I will not allow anyone to drive a car if I cannot trust them. It's not an "if... then", but more my trying to help them to see the big picture of trust and responsibility. It's like when they were little - own up to your mistake before I catch it - and life is better for everyone. It's about respect and trust. I think that's where this would be approached for me. I would have a candid talk. I cannot, and would never want, to tell you (the teen) who you can and cannot "like". That's all you. I also cannot control how they act with those feelings. I can offer help, counsel, advice, and a listening ear. I can share stories of my failings. That's one part of the conversation. The other part is trust. It's been violated. We have standards, and rather than discuss them with me, the child violated them. So, there would be privledges lost. If you lied to me with your phone - it's gone. Same with the computer. Those are tools, and they were used to perpetrate lies and dishonesty. I am happy to return them when I feel they won't be used to lie and deceive me. I'd also make sure the child is very busy. Lots of activity and work, with out the boy around. Again, you can't control feelings, but you can limit the time lying around stewing in them. Might be time to start training for a 5K, practing piano more, or taking a trip. For me, I'd teen tomato stake and build, build, build the relationship and the trust again. Hope that helps a little. Hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 We talked about honesty and trust. I firmly believe that my dd learned far more from that conversation than she'd have learned if she'd never ever lied to us. We also worked together to establish boundaries that we could both live with. I acknowledged the importance to her of her relationship. She (somewhat grudgingly) acknowledged the importance of our non-negotiable boundaries. Not easy conversations, but important ones. I tried my best to make sure that even when we did not agree that she felt listened to. Hugs. I know it's a shock. Trust yourselves and protect your relationship. It's extra-important to do your best to be open both ways. I can say in retrospect that one of the things I did right was treating the issue as an opportunity for growth rather than an issue of rules (though we did establish some rules/boundaries) and disobedience. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I also read the update. My dd was a similar age, and I found something similar. Later, she admitted that she may have unconsciously left things out, which I eventually discovered, because she was a little overwhelmed even though it was all so exciting and new, and she needed some help putting on the brakes. We were the brakes for her for quite some time. It was one of those classic teen situations where they both want/need the boundaries and push against them. It feels awful and overwhelming and scary to be in the middle of this. I let my daughter know this, and that it didn't change my love for her or my perception of her as a person. We were in it together as much as possible because we're family. You can do this, Chris, and you'll get through. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 you made a rule for age and your child has ignored it and secretly is dating/more serious that friends with someone? What does that conversation look like (the one you have when you discover it)? What if your rule is reasonable, but there's been lying that they are just friends? Please help. This has not happened to me, but I always told my dd that I would so much prefer she be honest with me about her wishes than sneak behind my back. I would have a conversation with my child which focused on our relationship and the fact that she felt she had to go behind my back. I would take whatever responsibility I thought was mine in creating or encouraging this dynamic. I would express the desire to be involved in her life so I can help and guide her. I would explore why she felt she had to lie to me. I would ask questions, reserve judgment and anger, and would listen very carefully to the answers. The focus would be on the breakdown between us rather than on her behavior, particularly if she responded with truth and engaged in a genuine conversation about it. Even reasonable rules sometimes fall apart. If this happened in my family, I would need to look really hard at the rule. Above rule-following, I value honest relationships. My college dd tells me things that she doesn't tell her dad (we are divorced) because I don't "freak out". I have told her since she was about 10 years old that I would much rather know the truth about her choices so I am in a position to help and advise her than have her hide something to keep up "an image". I have told her where that got me in my own teens/young adulthood, and it was not good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 After reading the update regarding the content of the notes, I would call a big, huge halt to this relationship and likely share the information with the boy's parents. They are on dangerous ground, particularly for 14. Ugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Personally I'd rethink the dating rule, but that depends greatly on your individual family dynamic. I know a lot of people here think I'm really strict (advocating taking doors off bedrooms and tethering teens), but even I think you can't control emotions or sex. You can help and hope that they make proper decisions, but you can't control it. Not unless you restrict access entirely and I don't think that's wise. I've known too many parents whose kids weren't told anything about relationships except don't have one and the child ended up pregnant or getting someone else pregnant. I really, really think sex needs to not be an area of rebellion, but of responsibility if at all possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Personally I'd rethink the dating rule, but that depends greatly on your individual family dynamic. I know a lot of people here think I'm really strict (advocating taking doors off bedrooms and tethering teens), but even I think you can't control emotions or sex. You can help and hope that they make proper decisions, but you can't control it. Not unless you restrict access entirely and I don't think that's wise. I've known too many parents whose kids weren't told anything about relationships except don't have one and the child ended up pregnant or getting someone else pregnant. I really, really think sex needs to not be an area of rebellion, but of responsibility if at all possible. nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Another responder who offers hugs, since I am not there yet. Yet. Oh, my, when I think of what may be coming.... :wacko: My eldest niece is 14 now, and still dealing with the fallout and loss of trust when she not only lied to her mother but used her grandparents in a ploy she herself knew was entirely unacceptable. When her doting grandfather found out that the resulting situation, in which he was unwittingly involved, was strictly forbidden by her parents he was hurt, disappointed, deeply let down for quite a long time. I know he doesn't trust her anymore, and she feels this more keenly than the distrust and disappointment her own parents feel. Right now I am "safe", in that my kids don't have much opportunity to develop crushes. Our science academy classes change by semester and over the summer, we recently moved our eldest to the adult's class in Aikido (and joined it ourselves), and the rest of our regular activities involve family (nuclear and extended) to a thorough degree. Additionally, while she is clearly in puberty she has not yet seemed inclined to moon after anyone. She did some of that in grade school before we left brick&mortar (where having a boy/girlfriend was holding hands and telling others you were sweethearts, spending lunch and recess with each other, etc.), and was repeatedly hurt (emotionally) by the boy until she decided that she simply wouldn't put up with that sort of treatment any longer. I was quite glad when she did, since I didn't like the boy (really liked his mother, though) and couldn't find a way to explain why I felt "off" about him. However, we are still dealing with lying, sneaking, disrespectfulness towards others, and general pubescent rebellion right now. Punishments are chosen by what would actually make an impact with her, and recurring infractions don't just add to the length or severity of the punishment, they multiply it. Exponentially. We discuss things WITH her and hear her out, but we are also becoming hard cases (it seems to us, at least) because she is stubborn enough to teach rocks (big rocks). Part of it, we found, was to mature the language used -- not "consequences", but "punishments", "deterrents". So I will vulch here, send you LOTS of hugs and wishes of good luck, and watch what my SIL & BIL do with their teens. It's going to get very interesting around here in the near future.... Edited to add: I just ran the numbers and realized that out of the 10 cousins (my kids and my nieces and nephews) in 3 years there will be 7 who are teens aged 13-17 years. Oh. My. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I would definitely separate the "no dating" rule from the discovered content. They're very separate issues, imo. I could hypothetically allow my kids to date at age 9 and still be completely devastated by those notes at 14. How much have the two of you talked about physical relationships before now? That would be the topic I'd want to discuss with her. Thinking someone's cute and sneaking off to get pizza (what I'm accustomed to referring to as "dating") is *nothing* compared to the current scenario. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjand6more Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Even very responsible, smart, good kids involve themselves like this. My parents trusted me because I was a good kid. They trusted me to make smart decisions and do things right. They provided reasonable supervision without smothering me. THEY did everything right. I was not worthy of all that trust. :( Kids should not be expected to make grown up and mature choices. They should not. I lied and snuck around and so did all my friends. We were engaging in dangerous behaviors. I loved my mom and lied right to her face. I would never treat my loved ones like that now. I have deep regrets especially of deception. For sure work on your relationship and show her that she is worth so much more than the lack of respect she is being given(and giving someone else) with the notes etc. This is a case of deception with dangerous consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I really, really think sex needs to not be an area of rebellion, but of responsibility if at all possible. Very well put. I wrote that one down for my own reminder in the days/years to come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I would definitely separate the "no dating" rule from the discovered content. They're very separate issues, imo. I could hypothetically allow my kids to date at age 9 and still be completely devastated by those notes at 14. How much have the two of you talked about physical relationships before now? That would be the topic I'd want to discuss with her. Thinking someone's cute and sneaking off to get pizza (what I'm accustomed to referring to as "dating") is *nothing* compared to the current scenario. Hmm, perhaps as my eldest matures into these concerns DH and I should be very clear on certain family usage and meanings of terms like "dating". Just to be clear what we consider it to include and what we think goes beyond just dating, to discourage attempts at calling sex "dating" and claiming we weren't clear if/when she gets caught in the deception. Now, what else to include in our non-ambiguous family dictionary/thesaurus?.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 From what you've said you have two choices. She's made the decision to have sex in the next year. She might be thinking of just fooling around and not going all the way, but the things she's put in motion will lead to sex even if that's not what she was expecting. I think amongst most of my girlfriends growing up, we were all just planning on fooling around and were surprised how fast it turned into sex. Others just planned on having sex. So. You can assume she's going to have sex and put her on birth control, and maybe have her write a paper about what she will do if/when she gets pregnant. Or you can arrange for her to not be home alone all summer, and not with any boys either. I personally think arranging for birth control & a condom demonstration and making sure she knows what certain STD's look like would be easier, but I think this varies a lot with individual families and in different parts of the country. I know it's frustrating and scary to be in this situation, especially with sibling issues in the past. It sucks. Is there a grandparent or a aunt or uncle she could stay with, or a job she could get? Not that jobs don't lead to potential trouble too. I was offered my first fake ID at a part time job, when the girls that I worked with wanted to go clubbing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Dating/going out is usually more nebulous than what you describe. I would definitely provide more monitoring. They wouldn't be allowed to hang out alone under those circumstances (given the information in the notes) at that age. I agree with Katy about the need for some very frank talks about sex and the consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lavandula Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I like what Carrie said. I wouldn't separate her from the boy entirely, honestly. I think that just sets it up for her to resent you a bit (even if she shouldn't) and try to go closer to the boy without permission. I wouldn't want them being alone out of a public place for a while though. I don't know how conservative you are but personally I'd give her the talk along with one on trust and waiting. I'm fine with pre marital sex - but not when they aren't mature enough. I obviously don't know your DD so that's just judging from the notes. Assuming she's going to have sex soon just because of this is extreme imo. I passed silly notes like this and got in quite a bit of trouble for it. I still didn't have sex until I was personally ready because I had someone to give me good advice rather than chaining me to an adult away from all the boys. Even if you do do that she'll need to know eventually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 In addition to the monitoring more closely, or whatever you decide, I have to echo the sentiment that it's time for (repeated?) frank talks about sex, consequences, and your views on BC. Personally, I'd make sure she has access to condoms but I realize that may not be a popular opinion here. ETA: I'm not advocating 14 year olds having sex. I don't think they are ready. But, then again, our local middle school has had a rash of pregnancies, so clearly it happens. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Well I don't want to quote, but drawings and notes promising to take care of certain needs is what I was referencing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 nm Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Oh Chris, I guess you weren't expecting this when you told her it was time to make her own decisions. Ack! You have more training than most of us on communicating as a family. I don't know. I might be inclined to talk to both of them, very candidly, relationships, self respect, sexual activity, media, ... and then lock her in a tower. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: While I'm not shocked it amazes me what older teens, college students, will sit around our dinner table and discuss. As one of our deacons says, "it's an R rated world our teens live in." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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