Is public school sometimes the LESSER evil?

[Doran]

When we set off on our homeschooling journey, we did not have absolutes. We always said we'd look at it year by year and do what seemed to be the best choice for all of us.

 

We had a blip when dd #1 started asking about going back to school in 6th grade. It created a fair amount of dialog, but not much movement or change of opinion. We were firm when we said we felt it better to wait. Middle school seemed the most wrong time to make a "go back to school" choice. Now dd #1's approaching 9th grade (next fall), and the discussions are on again. She's not pressuring. There's not a lot of friction. It's just a topic that's being floated gently about. And, we're trying to talk honestly about the options.

 

Until today, I had leaned more toward sticking with hs-ing, maybe taking advantage of an out-of-town tutorial that meets once a week next year, then the local Community College (CC) the year after that (kids must be 16 to attend the CC). But, today, I had a significant discussion with a dear, veteran, hs-ing friend. Her children (4) are 6 - 16 yrs. old, and they have always been hs-ed. They have lived in several states and never, ever planned to stop hs-ing. But, the oldest is really struggling. There is a great deal of friction between this child and the child's mother. This child is bright, mature, capable. But, as seems to happen often with teens, the relationship between child and mother is spiraling down and down. Child is making some frightening choices and, apparently, feeling some overwhelming things.

 

Enter my friend's remarks. We talked today about how it is to homeschool through high school in a community such as ours which is small and with limited resources for kids this age. We talked about how her child doesn't fit in because the "in school" community doesn't really offer an open door, and the CC community is so much older. We talked about the disadvantages of having a child in CC who needs boundaries, but who has as role models kids who have so much freedom because they are SO MUCH OLDER. We talked about loneliness. We talked about how the responsibilities that might otherwise be shared by guidance counselors, or teachers, or peer groups fall completely to the mother (or in some cases, to both parents). In the absence of those other resources, the mother/parent is expected to be all those things, is needed to be all those things.

 

And, suddenly, public school makes so much sense! Here, in this place, where there is no opportunity for interface between ps-ers and hs-ers. Where most team sports are not really an option because the school system prohibits it. Where science labs aren't an option, nor theater productions, nor dances, nor... At a time when social interaction is so vital, the hs-ed kids in the area can feel terribly alone.

 

This particular child has done it all. The tutorial. Full course loads at the CC. Self guided learning. A tutoring job (for CC students several years older!), a year-round lifeguarding job at the "Y", summer camp counselor, missions trips, rowing team, karate. They are active members of their church (which happens to be some distance from this town). And, still, the child is desperately alone, relatively unhappy, and overwhelmed with the task of figuring out what the future holds.

 

Yesterday, it was only a topic for me. But, this conversation today with my friend has really rocked my world - to the point that I'm ready to tell my dd that she'll definitely be going back to school next fall.

 

I never thought I'd feel that way, and it's pretty scary.

 

So, do you think that sometimes public school really can be the lesser of the evils? So many of "us" make flip remarks about how our kids will go to public school over our dead bodies. But, what if this child was your child? What if your child faced a similar path?

 

Doran

[Chris in VA]

My child is going to go to public school for two classes next year (God willing) and two (per semester) CC classes. Of course, he is 18. He is also atypical in that he has some Aspie tendencies, although nothing shows up except some social difficulties (mild). I know my child is solid in that he will resist drugs and sex. At least, I think he will until college--not so sure about then.

Is your child strong morally? Is she ready to apply herself, even if school is really easy? That may sound dumb, but what I mean is, once kids are in a less challenging academic environment, they may be tempted to slide on thru.

I say, I think public school can work. You are in a smaller town, which might help with the "issues" like drugs and sexual behaviour, and might not. Given that there are limited resources, I say try it for a year, and see what happens. If it's awful, pull her out and do some on-line stuff, or travel, as you said you might. If it's good, try it for another year. It may sound bad, but I don't think 9th grade is terribly important in the grand scheme of things. Yes, they get grades, yes it shows up on transcripts, but there is plenty of time to make the other years count, and I just wouldn't stress.

BTW, I really dislike the lesser of two evils saying. After all, the lesser of two evils is still evil. And public school may not be.

[Elisabeth in IL]

Wow, I don't have children that are at that age yet but I'm not sure that I think that public school is neccessarily "evil". You have to look at your area's high school and your daughter's maturity level. I think that I could have handled the CC with some guidence from my parents. My friends from church were older than I by 2 years and I was a responsible firstborn so I think CC would have been a good choice for me. My area isn't rural though and some of the high schools in the area bus kids to the CC for certain things.

 

I'm sure that you will do what is best for your daughter and your family. You are a thoughtful and caring mother.

[WTMindy]

and it is a great (even better) option for many people. But I don't like the idea of a guidance counselor at a school being the one to help my kids. If they need to see a counselor, I'd prefer to find one the I trust will line up philosophically with our views. I don't think I can do it all and I will rely on others to walk beside me (especially when they get to that age). My personal belief (as one who has not yet *had* teen-agers, but has worked with them) is that if my child is having emotional or attitude problems the *last* place I want them is away from me all day hanging with other teens with attitude problems. I think I would go the opposite route and pull them closer to me. Of course, it is all theoretical at this stage.

[gardenschooler]

What if your child faced a similar path?

 

Doran

 

It does sound like it makes sense, doesn't it? But the trade-off has been so great. And while many, many people have had great public school experiences (including my dd), for me, it's not all it's cracked up to be. It's not a cure-all, and the grass just isn't quite as green as it looked from over here, a year ago.

 

The conflicts, I hope and pray, are not with *all* teenagers. This one was/is full of confict from way before adolescence, strongly desired to go to ps for several years (she never lost sight of her goal - to go to ps), and is willing to do whatever it takes to stay there. Other options (and there are plenty here) were not in the least bit appealing to her - it was public high school or bust.

 

But....there's more to it than that. You mention loneliness while being active in the community, sports, etc. If it's wanting the feeling of belonging, to be part of some intact community, school doesn't cure that. It does on the surface, giving a teenager a sense of being part of a larger group, but it's not really repairing the loneliness or the feeling out of sync with everyone else. Plenty of kids attend school all their lives and don't make a lot of friends or join in much in sports and clubs. Maybe for your friend's son, moving so much has affected that (I know it did for me). If someone struggles with loneliness, to the point of it being anguishing, all the while engaged with plenty of sports, work, and academics, then simply going to school isn't necessarily going to fix that. It just gives them fewer hours in the day to think about it.

 

I honestly believe the biggest problem, the most painful thing for my dd with homeschooling was the fact that she couldn't get lost in the crowd and just melt away. It was too unbearably REAL for her. She had to face who she was, how she was feeling, and her life was just too crystal-clear for her. Not enough distractions, not enough 'busyness' to not see and feel the painful things that torment her.

 

And all the while, here I was, just bringing the mirror closer. So while I do strongly agree that the parent/child dynamic definitely can affect homeschooling negatively, I don't agree that public school, or even too much 'busyness' is the cure all for someone struggling with these emotions. If it's that severe, there's more going on.

 

I do fully understand the desire to be part of the bigger world, meet new people, be challenged and engaged, and break away from Mom. I also think we sometimes underestimate our teenager's need for peer interaction. I'm just saying that sometimes, it goes deeper than that, and when it isn't fixed by going to school, they still have to work on whatever is causing them to feel distanced later. And it's harder, later.

 

Of course, my dd was buying none of this, and I was ready to let her go see for herself, live with herself, and figure it out for herself. She sees some things now, that she didn't before. It wasn't the miraculous transformation of who she is that she thought it would be. But she had to see for herself. I believe she needed the opportunity, at her age, to figure some things out on her own.

 

I recently had my own, very surprising conversation with someone about homeschooling. I talked to a young mom in our group on Tuesday, and she mentioned that she had been homeschooled. She said she loved it - they did KONOS in a large group, had tons of homeschooled friends, and she had tons of regular-schooled and church friends. She said she never felt like she was missing out on anything social by being homeschooled. I don't know if the large group of homeschool friends made the difference, or just her outlook. Funny, though, ever since hearing this from her, I've felt so positive about homeschooling my middle dd through high school. I've just never heard anyone who had been homeschooled all the way through sound so happy about it. Then again, I don't know that many homeschool graduates, but it's worth exploring how they perceived their high school years, isn't it?

 

I also really don't think the mother needs to be all things. In our ps, it is so large that the *4* guidance counselors really don't offer much in the way of help, and I seriously doubt if they even know their assigned students' names. I do believe (and hope I don't eat my words, because my oldest is only 10th grade) that the entire process of what to do after graduation and how to go about getting there would, optimally, include the graduate seeking out other avenues of advice, counsel, and mentoring on their own, in addition to what the homeschooling parent offers. And a whole lotta elbow grease - more from the student than the parent. Guidance, sure, but not *only* from us, not forging the path for them.

 

As far as other activities are concerned, I guess it really does depend on where you live. It's the total opposite here, and I felt like thumping myself in the head when I found out the biology teacher was using nothing more complicated than m&m's and oranges. My kids have been dissecting creatures in homeschool zoo classes since 5th grade! The rest of it has been the same - not nearly as good as I've come to expect. Of course, I live in a big city with lots of homeschoolers and notoriously horrid public schools, so my experience is definitely not the norm, I'm sure.

 

So for us, it wasn't the lesser of two evils. It felt, and still feels, like a sacrifice. I waver between feeling very proud of myself for letting her go make her way in the world, to knowing that deep down, there really isn't any way I can argue this into being better educationally or socially, or even emotionally. I also feel pretty selfish. Here I am, homeschooling my happy, pleasing, sunshine-y teenager (who wants to continue), while I sent the one who desperately needs....something, off to fend for herself.

 

I try to make peace with my decision. I'll get there. That's what it really boils down to, I think, and how your title 'the lesser of two evils' applies: sometimes, neither option looks great. Sometimes, we just have to close our eyes and pick one.

 

Sorry for writing a book! Peace to you, Doran, in your decision. I just wanted to give my thoughts on it, and of course I rambled off past midnight.

[Colleen]

Interesting that you'd say "lesser evil". I know you don't think homeschool or public school are "evil", right? Like you, I'm a take-it-a-year-at-a time kinda homeschooler. No absolutes here. I don't make flip remarks about how my kids will go to public school over my dead body. (For that matter, few homeschoolers I know ~ including those who frequent this board ~ express such rigidity.)

 

My only "absolute" thus far has been a preference to avoid the system during the middle school years. But my oldest will be in 8th next year and after that, he has some real interest in attending high school. I'm still in the "wait and see" camp. A co-op class or two and/or early enrollment in community college are options, too. But as you say, the CC route requires a fair degree of maturity in a student. So. We shall see. We're more fortunate than you in that homeschoolers can take full advantage of public school opportunities. But not every homeschooled kid feels comfortable trying out for a school play or joining the swim team or taking an art class with other students who are full-time enrollees, kwim?

 

Any-hoo, back to your situation and that of your friend. First and foremost, Doran, don't let one conversation with one person about one student rock your world. Certainly, listen to their story, give it full consideration, but don't let it be your guiding light. It's but one experience. And I am wondering about this child you're describing. Wondering, specifically, if school would genuinely be a saving grace. This teen who (from what I gather) has moved around a good bit is understandbly lonely. He (she?) is making some "frightening" choices, feeling some overwhelming things. This child, who has participated in an array of activities, feels "desperately alone, relatively unhappy, and overwhelmed with the task of figuring out what the future holds".

 

Well. That doesn't sound too different from many students who are in school ~ have been in school their whole lives. It does sound like a kid who has some emotional issues that need to be addressed, needs that should be met. Will school solve the problems? I'd not assume so. It's not a cure-all, as gardenschooler noted. Come to think of it, I can just be quiet now and defer to gardenschooler because I so appreciated her comments and, after all, she's speaking with more authority than I.

 

Tough decisions, girlfriend, but here's the good news: You have some very good options from which to choose ~ none of which are evil or even, necessarily, lesser-than. As an added bonus, you have a mature daughter with whom you communicate well and have a good relationship. Whatever direction you go ~ be it homeschool or public school, tutorials or CC or whatever ~ there's no one "right" way, and you can change direction if need be. And ultimately, your daughter's going to do fine. Really, she is. We make it harder than it needs to be.

[Amy in NH]

Like Colleen, my oldest will be an 8th grader next year. We have been talking, tiptoeing really, around the subject of what to do for high school, so this is an interesting conversation for me. Socially, all of the other homeschoolers we know/knew have already put their over-6th-grade kids in school, so I can see this as being a lonely path for us. But public school was a lonely path for me, as it is for many students. For a variety of reasons, I felt "desperately alone, relatively unhappy, and overwhelmed with the task of figuring out what the future holds", even when surrounded by a school full of peers. And in that situation I made some poor choices that have affected the rest of my life.

 

No, I don't think public school is the solution.

 

Does ps provide more opportunity for advancement toward meeting my child's goals in life? That is the question with which I am currently struggling. We do have the opportunity to participate full or part time at two local public schools or full time only at a prep-school "academy". But we also have the opportunity to tailor an education here at home and within the community, without subjecting ourselves to a school calendar and any other nasty things that might come along with a public school setting.

 

Colleen: I'm not sure what the laws are in your state, but I wanted to point out to you that, here in NH anyway, most students do not have the opportunity to bop in and out of high school. If you are a homeschooler entering high school, say junior year, the school district is under *no obligation* to accept and assign credit (toward graduation) for *any* of the prior coursework you have done. This is a do or die situation for us, as I imagine it is for homeschoolers in many states.

[Anne/Ankara]

I definitely believe public school, particularly in high school, is an acceptable choice for any family. There are many advantages to it, although significant disadvantages too. We probably won't go that route, because our children are in several groups of friends (both homeschooled and public schooled) so they don't have that "left out and lonely" feeling. But if they did suffer from their homeschool routine (education and/or social life), I would definitely investigate the local schools. No dead bodies required!

[JFSinIL]

I've homeschooled most of them for most of grammar school. One kid has also thrived in middle school (I got her in the advanced English classes - and she has been accepted into one of our gifted high school academies). Another kid - now a sophmore - has thrived in AP History classes and Honors English. He has taken science, etc. with "regular" kids, and it is a mixed bag...makes him appreciate the teachers/kids in the advanced classes :rolleyes:

 

Point is - if your kidlet can get into one or two Honor level classes or AP for the

challenge/stimulation then go for high school. Not to be a snob - but I had too many history/science teachers who were coaches forced to also teach a class or two back in the day....my brother is one of these now in S. CA :rolleyes:

using his Masters degree in sports medicine to teach science (he is really the track coach). AP/Honors classes will have the teachers who are INTERESTED and know how to teach their topic (99% of the time - there is always an exception!).

 

If my kids were little studious SWBs I could have them homeschool high school - but they aren't :rolleyes: and we benefit, too, from some time apart.

[MIch elle]

because he wants to and because the opportunities available at this Catholic high school far exceed what we could do at home. We're all excited about him going to school full time for the first time in an environment that will give him the academics, sports, clubs, music, and the fellowship he seeks.

 

If your dd wants to go to high school then carefully look at what are the opportunities and compare them to what will be available by homeschooling. There ARE trade-offs to each choice.

 

"I took the one less traveled by and that has made all the difference." R. Frost :cool:

[GothicGyrl]

I kind of sort of resent the idea that public school is being called "evil". No, it isn't. Not even the worst ones are evil. It's all the bureaucratic red tape politically spewing b.s.spitters that make it bad, not the school. Sure, some of the teachers aren't perfect, but (and I dare say this), I don't believe all can give a better education to their kids.

 

A more rounded education. A more solid one. One to one. --All of that, yes. But, none of that acutally makes homeschooling better, nor does it make public school worse. There are more gem teachers (and even just really darn good ones) out there than their are bad.

 

You have to look at all the scenerios and morals should be the last of them because you (the general you) aren't going to find anything moralistic about it, especially if you are looking for things to nitpick.

 

Look at the school population. If my girls were put in right now, they'd get lost. Both numbers and mix of race play in to this. All the school in my area are heavily concentrated on non-native speakers,making it very hard to actually teach a proper curriculum. But DH's school, is a wonderful balance--except it is 30 miles away one way.

 

Look at what's offered... If there is nothing at that school that your child wants to take (sports, music), then check the CC. If, as you (the OP) the CC is "old", I still might give it a try as they age factor makes things a little easier for me to swallow. The population might be "old" but that doesn't mean the curriculum is.

 

Take in to consideration the school's attitude.. walk in to the school one day as a visitor. Unannounced. You could learn a lot at bell time. :) Just look and listen. And observe the administration when they assist with bell time (switching classes).

 

Only Lastly..should morals or faith be taking in to consideration. Elsewise, you are going to find fault with every single thing you see and you can't do that.

 

I say, if you need to do it, do it. You won't ruin your child, even if it is just for one year, just testing the waters and you won't ruin them for the 4 years, if they decide to stay.

 

Homeschooling has its faults too, I'm sure you(the general) know. And I don't consider it the end all be all of education either. I went blog hopping last night and some of the blogs I visited, on a certain site, were just pathetic. Pathetic as in there was no rounded-ness in their child's education. It was all "one track" minded. That's not fair to the child at all.

 

My Dh teaches Physics/Physical Science/Chemistry/Astronomy/Theatre/sometimes Math at his High School (yes he's degreed and tested in all of those subjects). And yes, it was my DH's idea to homeschool. But that's because all of the elementary schools (at the time) broke every "criteria" we had, as did the middle school (save for one, but we couldn't get them in that one). And by the time High School rolled around, we moved 30 miles away, or else they would be attending DH's school.

 

It really isn't evil.

[8filltheheart]

Doran,

 

I understand your emotions completely. Homeschooling during the high school yrs is a totally different scenerio than homeschooling during any other time during our children's lives.

 

We homeschooled our oldest through graduation, though at the time my relationship w/my son did suffer. Now it is like that strife never existed and he is thankful for the solid prep I "enforced."

 

We are sending our #2 (a 10th grader) to a private school this semester and he will go through graduation. He was depressed, angry, and definitely not thriving. Sending him to school was the best decision not only for him, but our entire family. He loves school!! He does his homework w/o complaining(which is hours worth every night) whereas before he argued constantly about doing his assignments for me. He gets out of bed at 530 to get ready for school (he goes to a military academy and formation is at 7) whereas before I couldn't get him out of bed until 9 or 10.

 

My current 8th grader has no desire to go to school. She is a happy, self-motivator. I don't know what we will end up doing several yr from now. But we are planning on homeschooling next yr for sure.

 

I think it is really an individual decision. There is no right or wrong answer, generically anyway. It depends on the given circumstances. Whatever decision you make, you have made in your child's best interest. That is the most any of us can do.

[Susan in IL]

I homeschooled one through high school but the other has always been in ps. Different needs decided the route we took.

 

A friend who hsed through 8th then put her child in for 9th is now considering pulling him out. This is a very social child who really wanted to go to ps. He is somewhat unhappy by all the sitting and rigamarole that goes along with it. Part of him wants to stay, part wants to come home. She is very undecided. I told her that if she pulls him out, she should plan on committing to finish, that it would not be a good idea to bounce in and out, even if the school will allow it.

 

One thing that I have always kept in mind, I can always pull them out. You could take that attitude, put her in and try it for a year. If it doesn't work, or things are not as they seem for her, you can pull her out.

 

I do agree with JFS, honors/pre-AP/AP classes really help too. Most of the riff-raff aren't taking those so usually the teachers and the other students are more academically inclined. Mine is in honors classes because I want him there and had to get approval since some of his grades were not quite as high as they wanted them to be. He is really glad since the classes that do not have honors levels has "troublemakers" and they really disrupt the class.

 

It is a tough decision, go for what you gut tells you after having frank discussions with your dd and visiting the school, talking to the counselor, principal, etc.

[lynn]

Except 6th grade where he had the best teacher in the world for him. This world needs more Ms Emory's. He is in 9th grade now and is doing very well in ps. He is in ROTC and really enjoys his options. There are alot of hs resources where I live but the number of hsers out numbers the number of classes offered so it was hard to get in them if you didn't know someone kwim. (Now this is my sons opinion when I asked him about his homeschooling years) He told me that he felt hsing was good until high school where he has options open to him that he wouldn't have otherwise. So yes I believe sometimes public school is a good choice for some kids.

[Mandamom]

to send ours to public school partially because of the relationship that was deteriorating between my eldest stepson. (There were other significant factors involved). He was failing his homeschool classes not understanding how he when he got his basic school work done within say four hours that he still needed to study in order to homeschool. He saw his younger brother (3 years) being gone all day and then spending 1/2 on homework so he thought it should be the same even though there was a significant age difference between the two. He didn't know that there was actually some learning going on at the school and that he wasn't putting in that effort.

 

So, since we are living where we are, it was important that he either start high school at 9th grade or stay at home. We decided that school was the best option but we had a lot of doubts about his abilities. Looking at him now I'm really sad that we underestimated his ability to navigate the world. Once put into a school situation he had some struggles but within a quarter really started showing us and himself what he was capable of. He's been on honor roll the whole time and has been confident in himself to talk to instructors that he had issues with. Even requesting a harder class without talking to his parents about it. He new what he wanted, what he was capable of and took the steps to initiate the move. Currently he's doing wonderfully well in a smaller private school that is close to his mom's house and continuing to do well academically. He's very involved with the church and most of his friends actually come from his church.

 

we've always been very happy with our public school so it had always been an option for us. I was prepared to homeschool high school but seeing how things have played out, in our family sending him to school was the best decision for him and for the rest of us (including his mom and stepdad).

[mcconnellboys]

I agree with you. I do think that there are many things to take into consideration. We went through all this last year and ended up sending my older son back into private school as a sophomore this year.

 

There absolutely are things other than academic excellence to consider. If the child is perfectly happy in homeschooling and is able to have attachments while homeschooling, then I'd certainly like to see them go all the way with it. But if they are unhappy because they can not access any sort of group for friendship at this age, then I do believe that they may really need the school experience for at least a little while. And even if we have to let them go sooner than we'd like, we *have* given them a good foundation!

 

Also, in my situation, I am now in a position to be my child's advocate, rather than the major domo who cracks the whip over him every day. Our relationship has changed dramatically for the better already as he's seen that all I've ever told him was true. He just needed to test all that out and see it for himself; now he doesn't question my every statement, LOL!

 

Regena

[Kelli in TN]

 

 

 

 

 

 

So for us, it wasn't the lesser of two evils. It felt, and still feels, like a sacrifice. I waver between feeling very proud of myself for letting her go make her way in the world, to knowing that deep down, there really isn't any way I can argue this into being better educationally or socially, or even emotionally. I also feel pretty selfish. Here I am, homeschooling my happy, pleasing, sunshine-y teenager (who wants to continue), while I sent the one who desperately needs....something, off to fend for herself.

 

I try to make peace with my decision. I'll get there. That's what it really boils down to, I think, and how your title 'the lesser of two evils' applies: sometimes, neither option looks great. Sometimes, we just have to close our eyes and pick one.

 

.

 

 

I am in tears, my sweet sister, I am absolutely in tears. Maybe more than any person on here, I know the price you paid to send her and I know the price you would have paid to keep her home. I know because I had to make that same choice for those same reasons. And you are right, the problems were still there, we just got a little time to breathe until the big yellow bus came back down the road.

 

Our pastor often says, concerning running away from your problems "Wherever you go, there you are." Sad, lonely, isolated at home may very well lead to sad, lonely, isolated at school.

 

I just read the pain between the lines this morning and I have to say, from my vantage point of our personal conversations and from having walked your path to completion, I think you chose the best you could from the options laid out before you.

 

I pray that in a few years you see what I am seeing now, a young woman who is starting to get it, starting to see who she is and want to be a better version of herself.

 

I prayed for you this morning, sweet sister, so you ought to have a good day.

[Kelli in TN]

Doran,

How much do you know about your school? Since you are in a rural area your school might be smaller, more intimate. It might have a better youth culture than many large, overly consolidated schools. (Anyone want to hear my rant about school consolidation? No? I don't blame you.)

 

If it is a small school, it might not have quite as many options as a larger school. There may not be a debate team, or a track team, or an academic decathlon team. It may not have the instructors with the advanced degrees and honors.

 

But it might make up for that with smaller class size that allows for a sense of community and allows teachers to be more invested in the students.

 

So, if you are considering this and it is not a crisis situation, look at the school setting first.

 

Then consider your daughter. Does she really need more, or is it her attitude about life that is affecting her happiness. If she truly needs more, and the school she is zoned for seems like a decent fit, this might be an answer. But if she is one who chooses misery no matter her circumstances, school will not change anything except for giving you a break for a few hours each day. You still might choose that, but you might as well be honest (like gardenschooler) about what you are choosing and why.

 

But lets assume that the school is a good fit for your child and your child is truly in need of some challenges that cannot be met in your local homeschool culture. Let's assume she has a pretty upbeat attitude and can handle things pretty well. If that is the way it is, then this could very well be a good option for you and for her.

 

I don't think you need to take seriously the conversation with your friend. Unless I am reading too much into your post, it sounds like there are bigger issues there than needing something else. Your friend should probably come sit on the couch with me, because I totally get the whole bigger issues thing!

 

I do think you need to take seriously your daughter's desires here.

 

But you are still the boss, don't forget that. You have veto power over everything. If you tour the school and get bad vibes, you get to say, "Oh, sorry Honey, this is not going to work out for our family." and look for some other outlet for her needs.

 

And kudos to you for avoiding middle school. There is not a more unhealthy place, in my experience, than middle school!!

[Melinda in VT]

You know, I have always said that I would seriously consider returning to homeschooling for middle school, because I thought that was a horrible time to go to school.

 

But I have to say I have heard almost nothing but positives about our local middle school, both from kids and parents.

 

I think you have to look at your specific kid and your specific school.

[PariSarah]

It doesn't sound as if you're forced into a "lesser of two evils" kind of decision, though. Unless I'm reading you wrong, your dd is not miserable at home. So at home is not an evil: it's hard work, it's not always fun, and it has some drawbacks. But none of those are evils.

 

Now, public schools in our area are an evil. An evil to be avoided at almost all costs. (Not all costs. Not an "over my dead body" kind of evil. But the other choices would have to be really bad to make our public schools the least of all possible evils.)

 

But it doesn't sound as if you feel that way about your public schools.

 

It also doesn't sound like you or your dd are running away from problems by being open to ps. It sounds like you're open to all the reasonable options. It sounds like there might be a little "grass is always greener" going on in her mind, which you don't have to indulge, but it doesn't sound as if she's setting ps up as the thing that will fix all her problems.

 

I'm sorry that this has been an angst-ridden change for you. But it doesn't sound like it needs to be. Am I way off base?

[Doran]

All ~

 

Thank you tremendously for your replies. I haven't time just now to give detail. In a few places, there might be room for clarification, but for the most part, you have reassured me (as you often do). This friend here is the only hs-ing friend I have IRL who has hs-ed for the long haul and who has a high school age student. So, I give her lots of credence. But, you all are my virtual sounding board and a much larger, equally wise community. Which is precisely why I brought the topic here. Rationally, I understand that one conversation (as Colleen aptly stated) should not rock my world. Thus, when I felt the earth quivering a bit underneath me, I came here for steadying.

 

I also wanted to say that of course I don't think public schools are evil...and I kind of laughed at how that particular word caused such a rumble. I almost chose as my subject line last night "I have no idea how to title this post...". No kidding! I struggled over that word choice and in the end that was what popped to mind. It was late. I guess I wasn't firing on all cylinders. :rolleyes: Evil was too strong a word, but the point was that I know many of "us" have the general feeling that we'd really prefer to avoid public schools altogether, that we feel like that is an enormous step to make. And, indeed, I have seen some here state that they'd send their children there over their dead bodies. So, maybe the title to the thread should've been "When is public school really the RIGHT choice?"

 

I'll stop in again later.

 

Thanks!

Doran

[Wildiris]

There seems to be a lot of discussion about public school vs homeschooling. I'm glad there is this type of discussion going on. I don't think either is always a perfect fit.

 

In a small community, I think the best time to put a child into school would be as an entering freshman where several small elementary schools feed into one larger high school. As a freshman everyone is new and thrown together; the homeschooling difference won't be so great.

 

At the same time, being home schooled marks a kid for life. I've yet to see a home schooled child that does not find themselves on the "outside" of school culture. Home schooled kids are different.

 

For me personally, I've sent a very different kid to school after being home school for k-4 to 5th grade in our small community only see him ridiculed for his difference. I brought him home for 6-8 and let him go to high school because he wanted to. The nasty school culture coupled with his defiant attitude was a bad mix. Questioning teachers and the administration did not go over well. Trying to beat this experience, I entered child #2 into our small community school in 7th grade with the hope that he would learn how to go to school. No such luck. Although better adjusted than the 1st and the kind of student the high school wants( a child who plays sports) this child is also floundering. He did not learn to do school, i.e. house keeping skills such as paying enough attention to know what is assigned and when it is due. I think this is a very important skill that should have been taught in 7th and 8th grade. Enter child #3 who has watched all of this and does not want to go to the small local elementary school because the kids are not nice, nor does she see public high school as an option. Finding the right path is not easy. DH would rather see all of them "buck-up" and go to school and get with the program.

 

When the parent(s) are not up to home schooling, then perhaps public/private school is the best option. I think the best interest of the child comes first. The needs of the child should always come before any of the parents' opinions and beliefs about public school or home school. The teen years, so far as I can tell or remember, are years of figuring out who you are. This can be a lonely, unsettling time even in public surrounded by others. What does your child want?

 

Wildiris

 

 

[Heather in the Kootenays]

and sometimes that's public school.

 

My 15 yo started school this year and she's doing brilliantly. She's not gaining as much academically as she might at home but she's learning other skills which ultimately will be as important as academics (or more important).

 

I think it's a mistake to be dogmatic about homeschooling (or pretty much anything). I want to look at it one child and one year at a time.

[JFSinIL]

i might add - my ds, the one who is a sophmore with honors/AP classes along with regular classes, does NOT partake of ANY of the extra curricular or sports or clubs available at the high school. He is not a social kid - if he didn't go to high school he'd never leave the house :confused:

 

DD, who will go the the gifted academy next year as a freshman, is VERY social - and in middle school has joined student gov., been in a play, goes tot he school dances - I can see her partaking of extra activities in high school.

 

Each kid is different.

 

I'm working on my youngest at home (5/6th grade), she may or may not go to middle school - my goal is to have her able to either go to the same academy as her big sister, or at least follow in big brother's footsteps with some honors classes. Time will tell.

 

Me - I would have LOVED to home school high school when I was a kid! I was such a nerd!!!! I HATED school...didn't come into my own until college. I am amazed at how well my kids go, grade wise, in middle and high school - must get that from their Dad :rolleyes:

[Liz CA]

My personal belief (as one who has not yet *had* teen-agers, but has worked with them) is that if my child is having emotional or attitude problems the *last* place I want them is away from me all day hanging with other teens with attitude problems. I think I would go the opposite route and pull them closer to me. Of course, it is all theoretical at this stage.

 

 

As far as *guidance counselors* go, I completely agree with Mindy. If we are talking about a counselor who advises on which class to take next - it's a different thing altogether.

 

We too live in an isolated spot, in the middle of the woods with no other people around under 40. My son goes to youth group and we make every effort to provide transportation and opportunity to take part in their activities because this is all he had up to a year ago when he started taking classes at CC.

While he is very outgoing and loves his friends at youth group, he does not seem to struggle with all the things Doran mentioned in her post. Of course, every kid is different but I read gardenschooler's post as well and tend to agree that there is more going on than the lack of *outside contacts*.

 

To answer your question: Yes, I believe sometimes PS is the lesser of two evils.

 

Having said that, I would like to add that every decision should be tailored to the child - not just the family as a whole but the individual child. The experience Doran's friend has with her teenager is likely unique to this kid. I would not let someone else's decision influence my decision regarding my child. I am speaking somewhat from experience here because I used to mistrust my instincts and lie awake at night wondering if I should do as Mrs. X did...

 

If someone feels their child is ready to explore PS and they are willing to let the child try it - great. If, as a parent who knows your child well, you strongly feel it's the wrong thing or the wrong time, parent with confidence, explain your decision to your dc and stick by it.

 

Easier said than done - I know!

[Meliss]

This particular child has done it all. The tutorial. Full course loads at the CC. Self guided learning. A tutoring job (for CC students several years older!), a year-round lifeguarding job at the "Y", summer camp counselor, missions trips, rowing team, karate. They are active members of their church (which happens to be some distance from this town). And, still, the child is desperately alone, relatively unhappy, and overwhelmed with the task of figuring out what the future holds.

 

It sounds like that particular child might feel exactly the same way even if in public school. I attended public school and was involved in many extra-curricular activities. I still felt alone, often unhappy, and overwhelmed with the future. Most of that had to do with poor relationships within my own family than a lack of friends.

 

FWIW

[Claire]

This particular child has done it all. The tutorial. Full course loads at the CC. Self guided learning. A tutoring job (for CC students several years older!), a year-round lifeguarding job at the "Y", summer camp counselor, missions trips, rowing team, karate. They are active members of their church (which happens to be some distance from this town). And, still, the child is desperately alone, relatively unhappy, and overwhelmed with the task of figuring out what the future holds.

......................

 

So, do you think that sometimes public school really can be the lesser of the evils?

 

My short answer is yes.

 

My 17yo dd has been in public high school since 9th grade. She is an only child and very gregarious. For her, public high school was a better choice than homeschooling high school. She herself states this emphatically. I know she would have been depressed if we had continued to home school through high school, even with the many activities I could have arranged for her. She is the type of person who thrives on rubbing shoulders with her peers every day. She looks forward to school every day and gets up early on her own to be ready for it. That would not have happened had she stayed home. The public high school is not a perfect fit, by any means, but it is a better fit for our dd than homeschooling would have been for the teen years. All of the personal problems we've had with her as a result of her public schooling have been very, very minor (having to limit her cell phone usage, for example).

 

My dd's best friend is still being homeschooled through high school. She is 17yo also and taking 3 community college courses as well as studying at home. Academically, she is getting a better education than my dd. Socially, however, she is lost -- for the reasons you mention in your post. She relies on my dd for social experiences, even though they live in different towns now. My dd's friends from public high school are not nearly as close as this homeschooled friend, but they are nice girls (one of them also formerly homeschooled). My dd's best friend benefits from these associations, but she is also very dependent on them and remains hovering on the social fringes all the time because she does not share the day-to-day experiences of the other girls.

 

I think a lot depends on what the individual child needs. For a child who loves homeschooling and wants to continue with it through high school, homeschooling is a wonderful option! It's just that not all teens are cut out for it. Some, like my dd, really benefit from the social stimulation of being in a large group of people.

[Doran]

Why is it that the answers to posts like this always seem so obvious. Well, not always, always. But, you know what I mean. Don't you? Just reading all the many ways you folks have said, "It depends on the child" makes me kind of want to smack myself in the head and exclaim, "Duh!"

 

I think what happens...what happened here...is that I had a feeling, an idea, that was not fully formed, but had blossomed enough to be real. That being the idea that we might go the distance, homeschool through high school, make it work by taking full advantage of all the opportunities in existence while adding those we could conjure up. It seemed a little daunting, but at the same time exciting.

 

However, in the back of my mind, I have known for some time that it might not be right. I have harbored doubts about whether this would be the very best choice for this child. Whether we are cut out to make it the best choice. I've wrestled, internally, with not wanting to be "yet another homeschooling family to jump ship" while not quite facing the fact that we might need to jump ship. I worried, without finding resolution, about what might truly serve our dd best in the long term.

 

So, the conversation with my friend brought all those concerns to the surface and added a component that I hadn't fully considered, though it, too, was lurking among the mix of ponderings -- that this community of ours might just be too small to make homeschooling through high school a good choice no matter what we do. Hearing my friend's remarks, I quickly made the leap to thinking, "Well, I guess that clinches that decision...end of debate....pack up your homeschooling teen and send her off." It felt too sudden, because it was. We still have homework to do: discussions, school visits, lists of pros and cons. I don't have to decide all that right now, even though my friend whom I respect enormously said, "If I had it to do over again, I'd do it differently." She didn't mean to be making a decision for me. I did that to myself.

 

Thank you, fellow thinkers, fellow parents, for your steadying effect on me. I'm most appreciative and am reminded (that head smack I mentioned) that I have time to carefully consider all the options vis-a-vis our child's needs.

 

Doran

[elizam]

yet, ds was so hard to deal with as a young adolescent, dh and I both thought he might actually be happier in PS and do better with "structure", "more qualified teachers", more diverse population from which to make friends, etc.

 

 

Well....:rolleyes:

 

 

What we've seen since 7th grade at what I'd consider a really cr*ppy middle school, is mostly negative.

 

He has ADHD, so that really affects his learning and memorization. Mostly, it affects him by causing him to have all sorts of organizational challenges, which caused him to get tons of zeros and frustrated teachers galore in middle school.

 

Kids like this fall thru the cracks in the humongous overcrowded high school. They are not considered college material and are not taught as though they are.

 

In middle school, any kid not in "gifted" classes seemed to endure a lot of verbal abuse from their peers and even their teachers. Because except for maybe 3 students in each "nongifted" class, the rest were the "riffraff" a previous poster mentioned. If you didn't know (*really* know) my ds, you might even consdier him riffraff. I mean, we don't have tons of money; I'm not a PS teacher, and dh is a blue collar worker. Those factors coupled with ds not making good grades and playing several sports make him look like one of the many burnouts there. :(

 

You have to be failing to be considered having real problems. Passing is the goal in the high school, not good grades.

 

 

He is not exposed to many of what most people would consider the "good kids", so the ones he does spend a lot of time with, he feels out of place with because we aren't really like "that", or he makes the occaisonal friend and we are cringing because we don't feel comfortable with his going to the friend's house or doing anything with said friend. :eek:

 

It is almost impossible to meet other parents, and the ones *I* would identify with have honors kids, not kids on my ds' "track."

 

Ds rarely wants to read anymore, but he loved to when he was homeschooled. Ditto for piano practice. What once was a passion is now a chore most days. He is always tired, shows signs of depression, and occasionally acts out in really ugly ways that make us wonder about how good PS is for his moral character.

 

I was floored when he actually admitted to me last night that he "hates school.' Poor kid. He's held that in for about 2 years now, always saying he wished he'd never been HSed and that HS is for "geeks and losers." Well....when he was hsed, he hated kids with taht mentality!

 

My mom thinks my ds is bored, scared, and depressed because he is surrounded by kids that don't care, kids that don't do well, and adults that don't think they're capable....when we didn't raise that kind of a kid. People *used to* think he was sooooo smart, when he was hsed. We've even had a few PS teachers say he "seems smart". But his aptitude test (they call it IQ, but it isn't really, as it is a group aptitude test) showed him to be slightly below average. I really think that's because he didn't have the attention span to do it And what he is graded on now--proper notebook setup, low level comprehension questions, and very dry assignments....those don't inspire him to learn. He finished his latest book of his own interest last night, Hitler Youth. But most likely no one would ever realize he is interested in history, and when presented in textbook format he rarely remembers much unless it already interested him.

 

So. Is PS "evil" IMHO?? No.....but it is a huge disappointment for me and I think it might even be for my son. I will be praying HARD before making any rash decisions about my other kids. I'm scared of ruining them, quite frankly.:(

[elizam]

yet, ds was so hard to deal with as a young adolescent, dh and I both thought he might actually be happier in PS and do better with "structure", "more qualified teachers", more diverse population from which to make friends, etc.

 

 

Well....:rolleyes:

 

 

What we've seen since 7th grade at what I'd consider a really cr*ppy middle school, is mostly negative.

 

He has ADHD, so that really affects his learning and memorization. Mostly, it affects him by causing him to have all sorts of organizational challenges, which caused him to get tons of zeros and frustrated teachers galore in middle school.

 

Kids like this fall thru the cracks in the humongous overcrowded high school. They are not considered college material and are not taught as though they are.

 

In middle school, any kid not in "gifted" classes seemed to endure a lot of verbal abuse from their peers and even their teachers. Because except for maybe 3 students in each "nongifted" class, the rest were the "riffraff" a previous poster mentioned. If you didn't know (*really* know) my ds, you might even consdier him riffraff. I mean, we don't have tons of money; I'm not a PS teacher, and dh is a blue collar worker. Those factors coupled with ds not making good grades and playing several sports make him look like one of the many burnouts there. :(

 

You have to be failing to be considered having real problems. Passing is the goal in the high school, not good grades.

 

 

He is not exposed to many of what most people would consider the "good kids", so the ones he does spend a lot of time with, he feels out of place with because we aren't really like "that", or he makes the occaisonal friend and we are cringing because we don't feel comfortable with his going to the friend's house or doing anything with said friend. :eek:

 

It is almost impossible to meet other parents, and the ones *I* would identify with have honors kids, not kids on my ds' "track."

 

Ds rarely wants to read anymore, but he loved to when he was homeschooled. Ditto for piano practice. What once was a passion is now a chore most days. He is always tired, shows signs of depression, and occasionally acts out in really ugly ways that make us wonder about how good PS is for his moral character.

 

I was floored when he actually admitted to me last night that he "hates school.' Poor kid. He's held that in for about 2 years now, always saying he wished he'd never been HSed and that HS is for "geeks and losers." Well....when he was hsed, he hated kids with taht mentality!

 

My mom thinks my ds is bored, scared, and depressed because he is surrounded by kids that don't care, kids that don't do well, and adults that don't think they're capable....when we didn't raise that kind of a kid. People *used to* think he was sooooo smart, when he was hsed. We've even had a few PS teachers say he "seems smart". But his aptitude test (they call it IQ, but it isn't really, as it is a group aptitude test) showed him to be slightly below average. I really think that's because he didn't have the attention span to do it And what he is graded on now--proper notebook setup, low level comprehension questions, and very dry assignments....those don't inspire him to learn. He finished his latest book of his own interest last night, Hitler Youth. But most likely no one would ever realize he is interested in history, and when presented in textbook format he rarely remembers much unless it already interested him.

 

So. Is PS "evil" IMHO?? No.....but it is a huge disappointment for me and I think it might even be for my son. I will be praying HARD before making any rash decisions about my other kids. I'm scared of ruining them, quite frankly.:(

 

 

 

I don't know how I just stumbled upons this thread again! I didn't even remember that I'd posted in it!

 

Did anyone read what I wrote? Has anyone had a similar disappointing, even terrifying experience with sending a dc to PS after being gung ho homeschool for years and years???

[TXMomof4]

Let me start by saying, I have no children that age, so this is completely from my own experience as a teen, not as a mother.

 

I remember my teen years (14-17) as desperately lonely, miserably lonely years. I attended first a high-speed academic school. AP classes all around, I danced for the local ballet company - 6 days a week at classes and rehearsals, worked as the assistant to the artistic director for that same company, attended church regularly. I was completely lost in that world. There wasn't a place where I could be myself and it showed in my actions. I moved to a small private school and it was worse because the academics were a joke after where I had been, I didn't fit in any better and proceeded to make the same dumb decisions.

 

All that to say, I'm not sure anything we as parents do can ease this age for our kids. I truly believe we equip them as best we can, they get to battle through that transition to adulthood using the skills they have learned and we are there to support and love them as best we can. A guidance counselor may have a wonderful impact, or a terribly damaging impact - it all depends on the person and the child. The same for peers - they can be supportive and fabulous, or cause more angst than all the lonely days put together.

 

That's my .02!

[Tracey in TX]

Homeschool is not the end all, be all. There are other options for educations. Public school is one of them. It's a viable option for most people. Life throws us a lot of curve balls and we don't always have control over what happens in our daily lives. We can prepare and plan, but never really sure what little life's surprise is around the next corner.

Don't be too hard on ps, as it's the foundations for the majority of the American education system. You've clearly given your children a strong academic foundation, but perhaps DD might need something additional. Take it year by year, or by each semester to determine if change is needed. Keep the dialogue open, as well as a clear open mind.

[PrairieAir]

I wouldn't use the phrase "lesser of two evils", but I would say that public school was definitely the right choice for my oldest for some of the reasons you and your friend discussed. My middle two probably could have gone either way, but I have been happy with how they've done in p.s. Youngest will be going to p.s. in just a few weeks. While it's always a little sad to see one phase of my life ending (in this case the homeschooling phase) or to discontinue and activity which I've put so much time and effort into, I feel confident that things will be just fine for all of us. I feel a little bit of excitement (and nervousness!), too, as I face this next phase of my life and the possibilities it holds.

[Brindee]

Doran, have you come to any new conclusions yet?

 

My oldest never really had to study, he just got it. Untili 11th grade. Then he was suddnely "not there". We didn't get much done the whole year. (Long story I won't go into here) He had basically plateaued, and I had no clue what to do. We had already decided NOT to put him in ps--he's too much of a follower, and was leaning in negative directions. We wanted to homeschool him or find a Christian school with standards they upheld. DS said he wanted to continue homeschooling, but wasn't doing what was needed to advance. He had the attitude that he was very intelligent, didn't have to work hard, and if you didn't say or do what fit into his analytical little "box" of beliefs, you were stupid! He's the oldest of our children, and he let his younger brother know that he was much better, all-around, than younger brother! He would make decisions for younger brother even, and was not allowing younger brother to be anything but what older brother thought he should be and do. That was despite the fact I could see it and tried to work with it, but they just kind of fell into those modes, and that's how they acted. I was desparate for younger brother to be able to be himself!

 

Anyway, all this taken into consideration, we prayed a LOT and looked at schools. Our denomination has a full school system, including highschool boarding academies. We looked at those too, but were disappointed that the values weren't kept up, and the schools seemed as worldly as any ps highschool! :( But then we found one, about 5 hours from here that was just what we were looking for! We prayed about it, called, went to visit, and decided to send him there. He, himself, decided to enroll as a Junior, since he hadn't done much of the junior year at home. It would help him feel more comfortable being in a different place, away from home. He turned 17 in May. If he'd stayed home he would be finishing up his senior year. He's fine turning 18 about the same day as his graduation! :)

 

Anyway, he did wonderfully! He said he loves his family and home, but he loves it at school too. His teachers told us he's a hard worker and does all the extra credit and fixes everything he gets wrong, which is much at all, they said. He ended up with OVER a 4.0 gpa because he did all the extra credit work! It was the perfect choice for him! I hope he does as well this coming school year.

 

Younger brother, my ds14, will be in 9th grade next year. He really "grew up" last year, which is what I was hoping for! And now, with this mission trip he's on (well, he'll be home today!), I'm hoping for some growth there as well (he's immature, or a YOUNG 14). He's totally different from his older brother, and may just homeschool all of highschool. DH and I will go with the flow on what seems best for him. Right now we feel he is not mature enough to go off to school. And he's happy with homeschooling, so he will be hs'd at least this year, probably next year as well. We'll re-evaluate each year.

[elegantlion]

We are not at that point yet but it does cross my mind. I hope to homeschool through high school, but I also hope to live somewhere that has more outside opportunities. We operate under the premise we will continue to homeschool through high school, but know changes can happen at any time.

 

Both dh and I had a miserable high school experiences, neither of us had very proactive parents. I met my high school guidance counselor once, to change a class. However, that doesn't mean ds couldn't have a good experience.

 

I have a friend who homeschools her children through middle school and sends them to public for high school. They are articulate, hold strong personal convictions and are very outgoing, they thrive in the public school setting.

 

I don't think there are any across the board answers. We had always thought private schooling would be the answer for us. Then once that was no longer an option we started homeschooling and I'm glad we're are for now, I don't know what the future will hold.

[Michelle in MO]

Enter my friend's remarks. We talked today about how it is to homeschool through high school in a community such as ours which is small and with limited resources for kids this age. We talked about how her child doesn't fit in because the "in school" community doesn't really offer an open door, and the CC community is so much older. We talked about the disadvantages of having a child in CC who needs boundaries, but who has as role models kids who have so much freedom because they are SO MUCH OLDER. We talked about loneliness. We talked about how the responsibilities that might otherwise be shared by guidance counselors, or teachers, or peer groups fall completely to the mother (or in some cases, to both parents). In the absence of those other resources, the mother/parent is expected to be all those things, is needed to be all those things.

 

And, suddenly, public school makes so much sense! Here, in this place, where there is no opportunity for interface between ps-ers and hs-ers. Where most team sports are not really an option because the school system prohibits it. Where science labs aren't an option, nor theater productions, nor dances, nor... At a time when social interaction is so vital, the hs-ed kids in the area can feel terribly alone.

 

We've been faced with a very similar situation here. We have virtually no homeschooling group left and we live in a small community. There is almost no local support for homeschoolers. My husband had a health crisis in the fall, which forced us to realize that we were in a very vulnerable position as a family with my 20+ year old B.A. which is not worth much of anything around here. We have been able to find a good private school where we've enrolled our kids, but it's a 30 minute drive away.

 

I haven't read all of the responses, but try not to think of your family as choosing the lesser of two evils; try to think that you are making the best possible choice for your family, given your circumstances.

 

For years I've struggled with wanting the ideal: wanting to live in a place with a vibrant homeschooling community, along with ample other educational options like classical schools, etc., but they just aren't there. Moving isn't easy for us, because dh is self-employed.

 

You are trying to do your very best for your dc; rest and be at peace with that! :grouphug: to you and your family! Your children will not suffer! Whether or not they go to p.s., you will always be there for your dc, helping them with their education and continuing to support them in the best way possible!

[Christy B]

 

If my kids were little studious SWBs I could have them homeschool high school - but they aren't :rolleyes: and we benefit, too, from some time apart.

 

 

She just. isn't. interested. I've tried it all -- workbooks, textbooks, unit studies -- if it isn't math, she doesn't really care. I put blood, sweat, and tears into homeschooling and when we hit 6th/7th grade, it was met with apathy. This spring, dh did some major evaluating of the situation (I'm not nearly objective enough) and decided that I was investing far more into homeschooling than we were getting in return from dd. Meanwhile, the younger dd was slipping behind in her work, since the needs (academic and discipline) of the older dd were becoming more consuming.

 

So, dd is headed out to a brick and mortar school, and I can focus my homeschooling energy where it is still appreciated. :glare:

 

I can't say yet whether or not it will work, but it had to happen at least for this coming year. The needs of the family as a whole trump the ideal of homeschooling. It's been hard to give up my vision, but my vision of homeschooling was not lining up with reality. We came to the point where dd simply needed more than I could provide for her -- at least, more than I could provide for her AND still meet the needs of the three other people living in the household.

[Gretchen in NJ]

It sounds like that particular child might feel exactly the same way even if in public school. I attended public school and was involved in many extra-curricular activities. I still felt alone, often unhappy, and overwhelmed with the future. Most of that had to do with poor relationships within my own family than a lack of friends.

 

FWIW

I was thinking the same thing as Meliss. If the child is that active and still feels lonely, there might be something else going on. You can still feel and be lonely in a crowded room.

 

PS might be the right thing for this child, but it could make things a lot worse if you are not doing it for the right reasons.

 

Doran, nice thread.

[Laurie4b]

Public school can be a great choice. It can be the best choice. I have seen kids from both public school and homeschool turn out really, really well. I think the dynamics underlying the decision are more important than the actual outcome of the decision; in other words, what will impact the child's relationship with his/her parents and his/her future including behavioral choices is the way the decision was reached--much more so than what the actual decision was. Does that make sense?

[Doran]

Oh, how I (we) wrestled with the choices before us this past spring! It felt almost agonizing at the time, and I admit to some continued feelings of uncertainty. But I guess that's to be expected when going into something so new [to us].

 

We determined some time ago that not only would our oldest go to public school this year, but that both girls (6th and 9th grades) would go. There have been other posts (here, and a most recent one here) about our decision making process. You all have helped so much along the way. I hope that, in some way, my tendency to lean on this group for support will provide useful information for others who may be in a similar situation. As was said many times here, it comes down to what works best for each individual family. If it seems desirable, I'll continue to post here as the school year unfolds, particularly if we are experiencing any "mind-changing" hurdles. ;) There is, at least, a bit of relief at having chosen a path for the near term. Only time will tell if it will prove to be a good long term choice.

 

Peace and gratitude ~

[JennifersLost]

Doran, I know you've followed my journey and I'll say this: ps WAS the lesser of the two evils for us, and it's worked out in its way.

 

My oldest needed both friends and a way to spread his wings. He got that during his year and a half at ps. Now he's back at home. Last semester we struggled because he wasn't motivated. I think he was de-schooling. He spent some time with his older cousin who goes to a highly competitive ps high school, and now my son is SO motivated to get to work and shine at school, even though he still wants to homeschool.

 

My other kids are pretty firmly entrenched in the public school system now and there are pros and cons. What I've found is that for all the things they DON"T learn - ancient greek, etc, LOL - they learn other things I couldn't teach them. My Aspie-ish son and a couple of his friends decided that the seventh graders needed to have a dance last spring and they arranged the whole thing - approached the principal, made the flyers, made the decorations and so on. I was so proud of him. I think of him as being socially hopeless. He sure showed me. He, too, obviously needed a little space from me to shine, and probably won't come back. I have no doubt that he will still do very well in school and life, though.

 

You have grounded your daughters in learning already. PLUS they've seen their parents run their own businesses, deal with adversity, take care of THEIR parents, etc., etc. Your girls are going to be great. It's okay for them to spread their wings a bit, and you can still take it year by year.

 

It's a hard choice and you'll second guess yourself. I sure do. The thing is, they're going to grow up and live their lives no matter what.

 

You can always send them to school and then make home soooooo compelling they choose to come back!!! (sorry - that's the devious mom coming through)

[threetreasurs]

My middle daughter is thriving in public high school.

[sadiegirl]

This thread has been of particular interest to me since we are sort of going thru a similar situation now. We moved to a small town about 2 years ago and have had a difficult time finding friends(for either my husband and myself or our 2 boys-ages 11/12)There are very few homeschoolers and there is not the opportunity to be exposed to activities that we had to choose from when we lived in a larger metro area. I guess our problem is the result of a combination of factors to which we are currently attempting to resolve:

1. we haven't found a church home as of yet where we can find friends and connections

2. very few extracurricular activities here locally(baseball or soccer seem to be the options for boys)

3. we live by great neighbors but they are all older so no kids to meet here

We live only a little over an hour from St. Louis where there is a huge homeschool network with lots of activities but with the price of gas and the time involved...it just isn't feasible. Plus I feel like if we constantly are on the road to another city that we aren't going to connect here. So, I just sort of feel lousy for me and my boys as I always thought that we would live in a metro area and have great homeschool connections. I include all three of us because we all like going and participating in the activities. I sometimes feel like we are like fish on the outside of the fishbowl being so close to St. Louis but not close enough. I only get one chance to have the kids at these ages and we had so many good opportunities before when we lived in cities to get involved in but now it looks like so little and at a time when the kids need that social fun.

So sorry for the pity party attached to this thread but my husband and I are both just down and feel sad for our kids to not have friends and activities.

The ps here are terrible and rated low in our state...not reasonable option for us. I don't want my kids to look back and hate us for our choice to homeschool(it has been the best thing for all of us up until recently...great grades, experiences,etc.) I hope that you and your family find peace with whatever choices you make with your schooling. I know that this has weighed heavily on my mind all summer. I know going to ps wouldn't be the solution to our problem here but when you become frustrated you start to doubt choices and paths. Good luck.

[Teresa in MO]

Sadiegirl, can you tell me where you live. I live in St. Louis and know alot of homeschoolers that are about an hour from here in all directions. So if you let me know where you live I might be able to hook you up with some.

[Susan in TX]

So, do you think that sometimes public school really can be the lesser of the evils? So many of "us" make flip remarks about how our kids will go to public school over our dead bodies. But, what if this child was your child? What if your child faced a similar path?

 

A few years ago my child was this child. I let her go to public high school in 10th grade (Her sister also went to public school that year. She started in 8th.) Public school was a very positive experience for us. Not only did it meet the social needs of my teens, they also got an excellent education. There is no way I could have given them the same quality of education at home.

 

Since then, my 3rd has also gone to public school (9th grade) and my 4th will go next year.

 

I also was one of those who said that my kids would never go to public school.

 

Susan in TX