HS friend...ignores my schedule requests

[Lieutenant Stranger]

This is just a slight rant...need to get off my chest with others who might understand. Over the years, I have figured out that THE ONLY thing that works for me with homeschooling is to stick tightly to a general routine. I have troubles with getting distracted easily, so doing school a certain way works very well for my children and myself. The kids and I are all very happy with this schedule. Routine is good for us.

 

I have a friend, Kimmy, who has two girls. She homeschools and swears she does traditional hours, etc, but...she is always trying to get me to skip or play hookie and do what she wants. I could care less, personally, if she homeschools at day, night, on the ground or up in the clouds, Her life- she can do what she wants with it.

 

BUT-- I am getting very tired of her trying to convince me to skip. I've told her very clearly, I don't know how many times now, I DO NOT SKIP HOMESCHOOL. I can't. Seriously, no. I've told her what days we are available to do something. I've had emails from her at 8am saying "I'm coming over and we're all going to the movies!" WHAT?? No, no. She asks in front of my kids, "Let's skip tomorrow and go to the museum!" 

 

I've answered seriously. I've answered with jokes. But, every time, I've been very clear about it. I have very firm boundaries, please do not overstep. I've had to play "bad cop" in front of my kids when she gets their hopes up, and it isn't fair. 

 

She showed up at my house recently, in the morning. Unannounced. 8am. I was getting dressed and did not hear. By the time I knew, they had made themselves at home-- they were planning on going somewhere later on or something. I expressed my displeasure with the situation, which she pretty much ignored, but I was not rude to her or the children. She ended up staying for over 2 hours, which pretty much screwed up our day. (We had multiple errands to run after homeschool-- did not end up happening because everything was done too late.)

 

She is a friend, and a good one. But...I'm really getting tired of this behavior. I don't really need advice...but I just needed to get it off my chest. 

 

This is all just very...emotionally tiring.

[Lieutenant Stranger]

EXTREMELY firm, but you know, without being rude. Honestly, though, the 8am one, I had to calm myself down before I walked out because I wasn't happy about it. I've made it clear that we only skip for very certain situations, and all are planned well in advance (IE, grandma is coming from out of town, etc.).

[Laurie4b]

No, on this issue, she is not a good friend. She is ignoring boundaries in a very, very serious way. It's not about the "skipping" or "not skipping." I am more of a "let's skip" kinda gal. The issue is the outrageous boundary violations. I can totally see why you need to get it off your chest. I would probably be backing out of the friendship.

[Plink]

Time to get rude.

 

"I love you friend, but you need to leave right now.  We have school today."  No chit-chat or excuses.

[Amy in NH]

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave now (holding the door) because it is time for us to start our schoolwork."

 

"I really value our friendship, and I can't have you undermining my children's school routine.  Please do not ever ask me to skip school in front of my children again.  It puts me in a bad position.  In fact, please stop pressuring me to drop out schoolwork.  It is not going to happen and only puts a strain on our friendship."

[gardenmom5]

give her the benefit of the doubt that she is just that clueless. (as opposed to deliberately obtuse). some people need bluntness.  I've a friend who shared an apartment with a bunch of girls in college.  she'd posted a note on her bedroom door that she was not to be distrubed.  one roommate kept coming in, friend had to take her to see the note and state "this means you".  she thought it didn't apply to her.

so, be clear that you are homeschooling now and friends need to leave.

 

 

eta: as for the skipping thing - ask her if she'd like her dr, or mechanic, etc.(or emergency personnel) to play hookie as often as she tries to get you to play hookie.  (and she *is* doing her children a disservice as I doubt they are getting 'traditional hours'.  it could be she sees you with a regular schedule and it makes her feel guilty.)  I'd also let her know in no uncertain terms, her trying to get you to play hookie is tiresome and if she wants to continue the friendship - to not ask again. ever. seriously - every time she tries to get you to play hookie, end the converstaion, playdate, etc.  she's out of line.

[JustEm]

That sounds awful!

[gardenmom5]

I don't think I could get past that level of cluelessness in a person.  LOL

 

after rereading the op's post, I'm not sure her 'friend' IS that clueless.  more like simply doesn't respect that someone else takes homeschooling more seriously than she does.

[Mandylubug]

I'd probably plan a dinner or lunch out with just her. No kids. And be very, very blunt about the situation. She obviously doesn't take your need for schedule and routine seriously.

 

She isn't being a good friend, even if she is clueless. If you let it continue, it will totally sabotage the relationship and one day the friendship will end because you will explode with the anger that has built up.

[Ellie]

SHE CAME INTO YOUR HOUSE AT 8 A.M. WITH YOU NOT EVEN BEING IN THE ROOM?????

 

I just have no words.

 

Wait...did your children let her in, or did she just walk in? Because if your children let her in, you need to have a discussion with them about that.

 

 

[Ellie]

Time to get rude.

 

"I love you friend, but you need to leave right now.  We have school today."  No chit-chat or excuses.

 

This is not rude. And it is absolutely appropriate.

[Plink]

You're right Ellie.  

 

I should have said to be blunt and curt - save rude (Yelling no and slamming the door in her face) for when/if blunt and curt don't work.

[marbel]

<snip>

 

She showed up at my house recently, in the morning. Unannounced. 8am. I was getting dressed and did not hear. By the time I knew, they had made themselves at home-- they were planning on going somewhere later on or something. I expressed my displeasure with the situation, which she pretty much ignored, but I was not rude to her or the children. She ended up staying for over 2 hours, which pretty much screwed up our day. (We had multiple errands to run after homeschool-- did not end up happening because everything was done too late.)

 

She is a friend, and a good one. But...I'm really getting tired of this behavior. I don't really need advice...but I just needed to get it off my chest. 

 

This is all just very...emotionally tiring.

 

How did she get into your house?

 

Anyway, as another poster said, invite her out alone - no kids - and be blunt:  Love you girl, but our homeschooling styles are incompatible and it feels that you disrespecting me and undermining my authority over my children.  Have some concrete examples because she will likely be incredulous. 

 

Then, plan out a few things you want to do, with tentative dates.  

 

And lock your door or tell your kids not to answer the door without your permission if you are unavailable to answer it yourself, even if it is a good friend. 

 

Well, I started typing this and got distracted, so I see Ellie beat me to it.  :lol:    But here's another voice saying... don't let people get into your house.

[Unicorn.]

I didn't read the other replies, but she's not a very good friend if she keeps ignoring your rules and boundaries.  I think you need to be very direct, and frankly, you need some distance from her.  And she needs to grow up, but you can't do anything about that.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

She's being rude.  It may be intentional (as in she thinks it is ok for good friends to get away with some rudeness and after all, she gets her way if she does it.).  It may be unintentional (as in a serious lack of impulse control).  Does she have ADHD?  This isn't just a matter of having a different styles or approaches to spontaneity.  

[J-rap]

Wow, it would be hard for me to deal with someone who has no concept of boundaries.  How did she get into your house at 8am?  I think I'd keep the door locked and instruct your children not to answer it.  If she comes again at 8am, I would go to the door and be firm, "Sorry, you are a good friend be we are doing school now.  I will call you later in the week to set up a time to meet."  I do think you need to be more firm and not think of yourself as being rude, because she clearly is not getting it. 

 

Being honest and firm are not the same thing as being rude.  You are in charge of setting your own boundaries and keeping people out.

[Lieutenant Stranger]

You guys are awesome. The door was locked- so the kids had to have opened it. Time for a little chat on that one.

 

It really is starting to hurt our friendship. In the past, when I would have just emailed to make mom chitchat-- I find myself not doing it anymore because I don't want to have to say "no" to her AGAIN. 

 

 

[Corraleno]

I am getting very tired of her trying to convince me to skip. I've told her very clearly, I don't know how many times now, I DO NOT SKIP HOMESCHOOL. I can't. Seriously, no. I've told her what days we are available to do something. I've had emails from her at 8am saying "I'm coming over and we're all going to the movies!" WHAT?? No, no. She asks in front of my kids, "Let's skip tomorrow and go to the museum!" 

 

I've answered seriously. I've answered with jokes. But, every time, I've been very clear about it. I have very firm boundaries, please do not overstep. I've had to play "bad cop" in front of my kids when she gets their hopes up, and it isn't fair. 

 

She showed up at my house recently, in the morning. Unannounced. 8am. I was getting dressed and did not hear. By the time I knew, they had made themselves at home-- they were planning on going somewhere later on or something. I expressed my displeasure with the situation, which she pretty much ignored, but I was not rude to her or the children. She ended up staying for over 2 hours, which pretty much screwed up our day. 

 

I don't think this is cluelessness. You've been very very clear, and it sounds to me like she is purposely trying to disrupt your homeschooling. Maybe she feels threatened by the fact that you take it more seriously than she does? Maybe roping you and your kids into skipping school and going to the movies helps her convince herself that this is what "normal" homeschoolers do, so she feels less guilty. Or, who knows, maybe she thinks you're being "mean" by making your kids stick to a schedule and she thinks she's "saving" your kids by giving them a little fun (or at least she tells herself that).

 

I would ask her quite bluntly WHY she does it: "Suzie, I've explained to you repeatedly why it's important to me to stick to a schedule, and every time you ask me to "skip school" I have told you no. You've repeatedly ignored my requests, violated my boundaries, and disrupted my children's schooling. I find that really upsetting, and I can't imagine doing that to someone I consider a friend, so I can't figure out why you keep doing this to me. Can you explain why you keep doing this, despite my many many requests for you to stop?"

 

Whatever her reasons are (and however flawed her reasoning might be), at least forcing her to make them explicit will give you the chance to refute them and let you make it absolutely clear that this behavior must stop.

[HS Mom in NC]

Blunt and direct isn't rude. 

 

She's a terrible friend.

 

"You know we're going to do school now, [you've told her many times] so you'll have to leave. Good bye.  Call before you come over so I can tell you if it's a good time or not.  I'll call you when I'm ready for a day out of the house."

 

Screen her calls and only answer or return her calls when it works for you.  Keep your door locked and only answer it when she's called and you've invited her over. Don't let your kids answer the door.

 

 

[KungFuPanda]

You may have to spell it out for her in writing. If she's a pest, you can gradually cut back contact. If she's a true friend and your families really enjoy one another, you may have to put some effort into the relationship. If you guys enjoy doing field trips together, but YOU will only do them outside of public school hours, I can see why she'd press to have these adventures during the day when it's much less crowded and the overall experience is better for everyone.

 

I'd probably give up on traveling with a friend who insisted we only do museums on crowded weekends and find another buddy. Her persistence may mean she cares about the relationships between the two families. However, if you can NEVER bend and she can NEVER respect your boundaries, it doesn't seem like a healthy friendship.

[Lieutenant Stranger]

No, the rule is Fridays. I don't do museums, zoos, etc on weekends because I dislike crowds. She knows that Fridays are always open. 

[JFSinIL]

With a friend like that, you don't need an enemy.  Seriously, what kind of real friend would disregard your repeated requests, and have so little respect for your homeschool routine?

[Mandylubug]

No, the rule is Fridays. I don't do museums, zoos, etc on weekends because I dislike crowds. She knows that Fridays are always open.

See. You are giving her a full day and that is sufficient. I have a schedule friend and I just get "maybe after 3 some days" kind of windows. I stopped doing stuff with her. Couldn't ever make defined plans but you are stating an entire day is open.

[gardenmom5]

 

I would ask her quite bluntly WHY she does it: "Suzie, I've explained to you repeatedly why it's important to me to stick to a schedule, and every time you ask me to "skip school" I have told you no. You've repeatedly ignored my requests, violated my boundaries, and disrupted my children's schooling. I find that really upsetting, and I can't imagine doing that to someone I consider a friend, so I can't figure out why you keep doing this to me. Can you explain why you keep doing this, despite my many many requests for you to stop?"

 

 

I doubt even she knows.  but it might make her think.  might.

[mathnerd]

I agree with all other posters. But, I am a chicken when it comes to confronting friends and talking bluntly - just thinking about the "you are not respecting my boundaries" talk will give me nightmares. She probably feels lonely as a homeschool mom and seeks your family out or she does not take educating her kids seriously and cannot find enough things to do with regards to schooling. Or she is ultra social and cannot fulfil her socializing needs while homeschooling. Whatever it is, the very fact that she shows up at your doorstep so often tells me that she has been kicked out of other houses by homeschoolers who were more blunt than you!

I suggest that you install a deadbolt on your front door - I don't know if you have really little kids who may not understand if you tell them not to open doors to "friends" with whom they have played before. Talk to all your kids about not opening the door to this family when you are not around. Also, explain to your children that every family educates differently and if that family loves to skip school, then, that is their style and not yours.

And this is what I did when my ILs, grown up nephew and grown up niece invited themselves over to our house for 2 months without asking us first (some family issues occured for them and they wanted to spend time with my DH) - they expected that school would not matter for young kids and that we should spend all our days hanging out with them to make them all feel good and help them enjoy their stay - I just put my DS on his desk and kept doing school as per his regular schedule in spite of them sitting a few feet away and 2 of them watching TV while we schooled. It took them 2 weeks to realize that I will continue doing things my way. It took them longer to stop making comments about my actions to my DH. But, they know not to show up and expect to be entertained now. I suggest that if this friend continues to pop up at your house despite being told that you are schooling - just keep schooling as usual with her around. It will be distracting and bothersome to your kids, but she will quickly leave because she cannot socialize when you are teaching your children :)

[Lieutenant Stranger]

I just want to add, don't know why, that I'm not being rigid to be mean. There are people who can fly by the seat of their pants and those of us who can't. I have major troubles functioning without a schedule. Seriously, Sundays send me into a tailspin of anxiety. Several years ago, I did not have a schedule, and life was pretty miserable-- and the kids were really far behind in their work. 

 

If you would have saw me 5 years ago and now, the difference is night and day-- and it is because I've had to set boundaries for myself. 

[Laurie4b]

Maybe what you need to do is have a time out with her alone--go have coffee or something and tell her ahead of time you would like to talk about the relationship. The intentionality makes it clear that this is a serious issue.

 

I would say something like: I really value our friendship for a,b,c reasons. However, I am at a total loss of what to do about a recurrent issue. I thought I had been super clear that 1) I don't skip school 2) I have to stick to a schedule and 3) I am open for outings on Fridays but only on Fridays. But that doesn't seem to have gotten through or else something else is going on. Can you explain it to me?

 

Then it will be on the table. Either she doesn't think what she is doing is a problem because it hasn't computed (I doubt it but maybe--this way of dealing with it allows her to express her understanding of things) or she wants you to change in some way but this way, it's out on the table.  "Well, I think you're too uptight and need to loosen up a little." You may have to be willing to jettison the relationship if she's trying to change you and won't agree to stop.  I hope not. Depends on how much of a turkey she is about it. Ask her for a verbal commitment that she will respect your boundaries.

 

Even as a loosey goosey girl myself, I think the "Fridays only" outings is very reasonable, unless there is a once in a lifetime weekday opportunity. But if you don't want to hear even about once-in-a-lifetime opportunities, tell her that, too.

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

I just want to add, don't know why, that I'm not being rigid to be mean. There are people who can fly by the seat of their pants and those of us who can't. I have major troubles functioning without a schedule. Seriously, Sundays send me into a tailspin of anxiety. Several years ago, I did not have a schedule, and life was pretty miserable-- and the kids were really far behind in their work. 

 

If you would have saw me 5 years ago and now, the difference is night and day-- and it is because I've had to set boundaries for myself. 

 

I completely understand this, and how important it is for some people to stick to the plan.  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  You are NOT being unreasonable.

[Corraleno]

I doubt even she knows.  but it might make her think.  might.

 

Oh I agree — I doubt she's ever consciously thought about why she's doing it. That's why I think forcing her to explain her reasons is the best way to make her stop.

 

If she tries to deflect by saying "Well, I didn't think taking a few days off now and then was a big deal, and I didn't know it bothered you so much," then the OP can say "Well, it is a very big deal to me, it bothers me very much, and I really need you to stop. Can you agree that you will stop calling and coming by during the hours we do school?"

 

And if the friend does give a reason, e.g. "Well, I just think homeschooling should be a lot more flexible and spontaneous," then the OP can say "You certainly have the right to homeschool the way you want, but I have the same right, and I need you to respect the fact that my approach is different from yours, and stop trying to undermine me. Can you agree that you will stop calling and coming by during the hours we do school?"

 

Asking the friend to explain why she continues the behavior despite being asked to stop puts the burden on her to explain/defend her actions, instead of the OP having to constantly explain/defend her right to refuse the friend's invitations. Either the friend will come up with a reason that the OP can refute, or the friend will have to say that there's no real reason or defense for what she's been doing; either way the OP can end the conversation with "So can you agree that you will stop calling and coming by during the hours we do school?"

[Jean in Newcastle]

I just want to add, don't know why, that I'm not being rigid to be mean. There are people who can fly by the seat of their pants and those of us who can't. I have major troubles functioning without a schedule. Seriously, Sundays send me into a tailspin of anxiety. Several years ago, I did not have a schedule, and life was pretty miserable-- and the kids were really far behind in their work. 

 

If you would have saw me 5 years ago and now, the difference is night and day-- and it is because I've had to set boundaries for myself. 

I don't see you as rigid.  I see you as disciplined and wise for realizing that your family thrives best on routine.  You have allowed a flexible day, and if it is every single Friday, I would say that is crazy generous!  

[Ellie]

I just want to add, don't know why, that I'm not being rigid to be mean. There are people who can fly by the seat of their pants and those of us who can't. I have major troubles functioning without a schedule. Seriously, Sundays send me into a tailspin of anxiety. Several years ago, I did not have a schedule, and life was pretty miserable-- and the kids were really far behind in their work. 

 

If you would have saw me 5 years ago and now, the difference is night and day-- and it is because I've had to set boundaries for myself. 

 

Oh, I'm the same way. For me, Thursdays were free, and Fridays in the afternoon.

[HS Mom in NC]

I just want to add, don't know why, that I'm not being rigid to be mean. There are people who can fly by the seat of their pants and those of us who can't. I have major troubles functioning without a schedule. Seriously, Sundays send me into a tailspin of anxiety. Several years ago, I did not have a schedule, and life was pretty miserable-- and the kids were really far behind in their work. 

 

If you would have saw me 5 years ago and now, the difference is night and day-- and it is because I've had to set boundaries for myself. 

 

Even if you were doing it out of preference rather than out of necessity, it's still valid. You don't owe anyone, including your friend an explanation.  "I'm available on Fridays to be out and about so call me and we'll plan something ahead of time." is enough.  She should respect that and if she doesn't then confronting her is legitimate.

 

[marbel]

I just want to add, don't know why, that I'm not being rigid to be mean. There are people who can fly by the seat of their pants and those of us who can't. I have major troubles functioning without a schedule. Seriously, Sundays send me into a tailspin of anxiety. Several years ago, I did not have a schedule, and life was pretty miserable-- and the kids were really far behind in their work. 

 

If you would have saw me 5 years ago and now, the difference is night and day-- and it is because I've had to set boundaries for myself. 

 

It doesn't matter why you prefer to stick to a plan.  It's your preference.  No other explanation is needed and no one should make you feel that you are wrong or defective because you have this preference.   It's great if you can bend to meet your friend - having Fridays open - but she needs to bend too.

 

[myfunnybunch]

She showed up at my house recently, in the morning. Unannounced. 8am. I was getting dressed and did not hear. By the time I knew, they had made themselves at home-- they were planning on going somewhere later on or something. I expressed my displeasure with the situation, which she pretty much ignored, but I was not rude to her or the children. She ended up staying for over 2 hours, which pretty much screwed up our day.

 

:ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy: :ohmy:

 

I am shocked by her behavior.

 

Seriously, though, as I think about it, I'm a little shocked that you've allowed it. You say this has been going on for a long time. I don't think you are in the least to blame for her behavior, but it sounds like she needs truly firm boundaries. Not "Oh, I prefer...." or "We don't skip school," or "I need to do school." She's not cluing in to your statements about your needs, no matter how firmly you state them. 

 

VERY FIRM boundaries means saying (politely), "Thanks for stopping by, but it's time for you to leave now. We've got to do school. Please call me next time before you come over, or we will not be able to let you in." Say it every time she drops by unannounced during school hours. DO NOT allow her to stay, even for ten minutes. That is not firm boundaries.

 

If she doesn't get the message, you add, "I can only get together with you after these hours: (Name your hours.). I enjoy our friendship very much, but if you choose to drop by before then, I will ask you to leave." Then do it.

 

If she continues to ignore your boundaries, then you restate the boundaries clearly, and tell her flat out that it's disruptive to your school day, and inconsiderate of her to ignore your needs. You know she's not an inconsiderate person. If the relationship is to continue, you need to know that she respects your boundaries. Only do this if the inconvenience is so great that you're willing to end the friendship because either she'll stay friends with you and will respect you, or one of you will have to end the friendship.

 

Cat

 

[redsquirrel]

You are going to have to have a talk with her. It can start like this:

 

I am really confused. I keep telling you that we won't skip lessons because our school doesn't work like that. But you keep asking us to do things during time that you know is our lesson time and sometimes you even come over. You must know by now that I will always say no, but you keep asking. Why?

 

Listen to her answer, whatever it is. This puts the burden on her to explain herself. It doesn't even matter what she says, really.

 

Then when you finish the conversation say something like: "Ok, so now I know why you keep asking. But, I need to know that you understand that my answer will always be no and I don't want you to ask me anymore. I do want to spend time with you, but only at a time that works for both of us. Can you do that for me?"

 

If she does it again after that, she has problems and you will have to take further action.

 

 

And the fact that she showed up at 8am is just shocking. As in not appropriate behaviour and you should feel free to respond with rudeness. I think it would have been fine to tell them to leave. That is just weird. Lock your door and tell your kids they are not to open it to anyone who doesn't have a password or knows the secret knock. This applies to people they know really well. My kids are so well trained they didn't let in grandma one day. Which is good because my son was home along (he was old enough) and my mother should have known better than to try to come over when I wasn't there. She had the same rule, lol.

 

I taught my kids that a knock on the door or the ring of a phone call or text is a request, not a command. Sometimes the answer is no.

 

This person might be a lot of fun, but you might have to start withdrawing. Walking in like that etc is a Big Fat Red Warning to me.

[Hot Lava Mama]

Honestly, don't answer the door or the phone.  (And strictly forbid your kids to do the same for now.)  I had this kind of boundary issues with my mom.  She would ring and ring my doorbell, then call on the phone to see why I wasn't answering the door!  My answer, "Sorry, like I told you before, we don't take calls or answer the door during school hours."  Then I asked her if she would go to (my nephew's school) and pull him out of class to do "said thing she wanted to do" with us during school hours.  She looked surprised and said, "Of course not!"  Then I stood there stone-faced.  She got it.

 

I have taught my kids that I am not OBLIGATED to answer the door simply because someone rings the bell.  I am not OBLIGATED to answer the phone simply because it rings.  (That's why we have an answering machine.) If you consistently do this, she will get the message.  Be unavailable to reach, time and time again.  Call her back when YOU have the time.  If she brings up something like "we were going to "such and such" and wanted you to come", tell her you would have considered it if it fit into your schedule and had more warning.  Sorry.  Then repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

 

[Alessandra]

SHE CAME INTO YOUR HOUSE AT 8 A.M. WITH YOU NOT EVEN BEING IN THE ROOM?????

 

I just have no words.

 

Wait...did your children let her in, or did she just walk in? Because if your children let her in, you need to have a discussion with them about that.

I have trained my kids to shut up, tiptoe and duck under the view line from any windows. And that is just when the meter reader tries to interrupt us at breakfast.

 

My dc do not answer the door. When they were small, there were a few instances of people trying to snatch kids who came to the door. Push in robberies still happen.

 

Also, make sure her number is on your phone Id and get used to the ignore button.

 

I am so sorry for you!

[Ellie]

Honestly, don't answer the door or the phone.  (And strictly forbid your kids to do the same for now.)  I had this kind of boundary issues with my mom.  She would ring and ring my doorbell, then call on the phone to see why I wasn't answering the door!  My answer, "Sorry, like I told you before, we don't take calls or answer the door during school hours."  Then I asked her if she would go to (my nephew's school) and pull him out of class to do "said thing she wanted to do" with us during school hours.  She looked surprised and said, "Of course not!"  Then I stood there stone-faced.  She got it.

 

I have taught my kids that I am not OBLIGATED to answer the door simply because someone rings the bell.  I am not OBLIGATED to answer the phone simply because it rings.  (That's why we have an answering machine.) If you consistently do this, she will get the message.  Be unavailable to reach, time and time again.  Call her back when YOU have the time.  If she brings up something like "we were going to "such and such" and wanted you to come", tell her you would have considered it if it fit into your schedule and had more warning.  Sorry.  Then repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

 

...especially the bolded.

[Belacqua]

I like the idea of talking plainly to the friend and giving her one more chance. I had a similar experience with a pal, right down to the, "I'm coming over and we're going to the park!" texts. I really believe she didn't mean to be disruptive or disrespectful; she's just one of those O Spontaneous Me! types and genuinely thought she was behaving appropriately.

 

This was complicated by what I think was, as others have speculated about OP's friend, insecurity about her own choices. She was homeschooling only because her kid had been booted out of every school in the area, she didn't like homeschooling, and she wanted complicity in her idea that going on endless field trips and making cookies was education enough. And it might have been for her. But it wasn't for me.

 

I decided to treat her like an over-enthusiastic puppy who has to be told firmly but kindly. She actually took it surprisingly well and mostly stopped interrupting my days. But if that hadn't worked, I'd have reevaluated the friendship.

 

Hope things work out uneventfully for you, OP.

[BigMamaBird]

You need to watch some Downton Abbey and channel you inner Dowager.

 

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.

[Myeightkiddies]

Tell her during a normal conversation that you will not be doing any unplanned visits or field trips/outings during homeschool time any longer.  Stress that homeschool time is from wake-up until 2:00pm (or whenever you want).  Put a laminated note on the door stating, "NO VISITORS.  WE ARE SCHOOLING.  RETURN AFTER 2:00PM".  Get an answering machine for your phone or let calls go to voice mail.  As mentioned before, tell the children not to answer the door unless you tell them it is fine (or if Daddy, Grandma/pa, etc.).  Tell them not to answer the phone either unless they hear Daddy's, Grandma/pa's, etc. voice.    

 

If she calls you during off hours and asks if you want to skip at 10:00am tomorrow, tell her, "No.  Thank you.  We do nothing except lessons until 2:00pm."  If you continue to tell her no to anything within that time frame, she will eventually understand you mean what you say.  She's like a strong-willed child.  If you aren't consistently firm, they will continue to push.

 

Maybe if you aren't constantly interrupted you can get a lot accomplished and take Fridays off.  If so, you can tell her to schedule stuff on Friday (or not if you want that day for errands and such).

 

At any rate....  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[AMJ]

No, the rule is Fridays. I don't do museums, zoos, etc on weekends because I dislike crowds. She knows that Fridays are always open.

Sounds quite reasonable to me. Before my infant nephew started joining us we homeschooled for 4 days per week and used Fridays for other stuff. I have lightened up on sticking to an exact schedule while DN is with us and FOR US there is some benefit in that. However, we have loosened up too much, and we need to restart scheduling again (just not as strictly as before). We'll do that reboot after May, when other arrangements kick in and DN doesn't need us during the school day anymore.

 

I'd like to mention: what with school groups and other events the field trip venues in our area are all just as busy on school days as on weekends and breaks. There is a little relief in the earlier morning and latter afternoon (before the school groups get there and after they leave), and I move to avoid the groups whenever I can (I've chaperoned lots of class field trips, and I know the hassles the adults have keeping track of the kids and watching out for suspicious strangers). In my experience school field trips tend to cluster mid-week, and Wednesdays and Thursdays are peak days. Stick to your guns regarding outings on Fridays -- it's about the best day of the week for that (at least around here).

[redsquirrel]

I still can't believe she came into your house at 8am. That would prob push me right over the edge. Well, first I would have assumed there was some horrible emergency, because why else would someone show up at someone's house at that hour uninvited. Then, when that was out of the way I would have just been "You have to leave now."  Personally, that is a huge deal breaker

[Seasider]

I agree with those who suggest just laying it out for her, kindly and directly.

 

Now if THAT didn't do the trick, this would be my next step. When she comes over, offer her some tea and strike up a conversation. Here's a list of questions to get the ball rolling (and if you catch my drift, to keep it moving in a distinct direction):

 

So how much school have you accomplished this year?

 

How many official days/hours is that?

 

What curriculum did you say you were using for math? What chapter did you work on today?

 

How are y'all doing on memorizing those math facts? What's been working for ya?

 

I've been looking at this list of the 3000 most commonly used words - how many of them do you think your kids could spell correctly?

 

Say I found this great online reading level test. My kids had a blast with it. Wanna let yours have a try?

 

And so on. Not that I care about the answers. But if she's okay with ditching school, I wouldn't make it comfortable for her to mess with mine.

[Lieutenant Stranger]

I agree with those who suggest just laying it out for her, kindly and directly.

 

Now if THAT didn't do the trick, this would be my next step. When she comes over, offer her some tea and strike up a conversation. Here's a list of questions to get the ball rolling (and if you catch my drift, to keep it moving in a distinct direction):

 

So how much school have you accomplished this year?

 

How many official days/hours is that?

 

What curriculum did you say you were using for math? What chapter did you work on today?

 

How are y'all doing on memorizing those math facts? What's been working for ya?

 

I've been looking at this list of the 3000 most commonly used words - how many of them do you think your kids could spell correctly?

 

Say I found this great online reading level test. My kids had a blast with it. Wanna let yours have a try?

 

And so on. Not that I care about the answers. But if she's okay with ditching school, I wouldn't make it comfortable for her to mess with mine.

 

WHO WANTS TO STUDY FOR THE SAT????? 

[Guest]

That doesn't sound like a friend to me. I have an HS friend who doesn't "do school" at all, but she would not disrupt ds's lessons or behave so dismissively towards something I cared about because that's not what friends do.

[Gentlemommy]

I have a neighbor like this. Constantly undermining me by inviting the kids FIRST to some place, and letting me be the one to be a kill joy. Finally, when she came over and invited my dd to a birthday party at someone's house we did not know, for someone we did not know, I was (I thought) clear. I of course said the kids couldn't go, and HER dd burst into tears because she had been told my kids were going. :/ I set up a slip n slide, sprinkler, and fun stuff in my yard for my kids and she wanted to ditch the party and stay. So SHE had to be the one to say no to her dd this time. I later told her that is precisely why I NEVER ask the kids UNLESS I've talked to their mom. I thought I sent my message loud and clear. A day later she invited my dd out for ice cream. At 7 pm. Without me knowing. And when I declined because we had already had sweets AND it was 7 pm. She said well she can go and just sit with us! Ummmm. No.

 

Or asking me to babysit. I did a couple of times, and then it turned into a regular request. While she was off getting her nails done, having friend time, or coming home late from a girls weekend away. :/ Now, as a mom who has three kids of my own and who has a traveling dh, I get it. I get that moms need a break. But *I* am doing this alone. She's got her husband, and two nannies. And she was calling me on HER day off. While three of her kids were in school, she wanted me to watch the baby. Um no. I finally told her I really couldn't babysit, as we had to do school everyday, and it was distracting. I hung a sign on my door that says school in session do not disturb. I thought I had been clear.

Apparently not. She asked that I take my three kids to her sons preschool to be his stand in parent for their Easter egg hunt????? While she was at work (she sets her own hours, she is a hair stylist. If she knew this was happening, she could have very easily set different hours on this day) and sent me a text today to watch her baby. She IS HOME. Ugh.

[Seasider]

That inviting a kid directly without clearing it through parents first is a real pet peeve of mine! As you point out, gentlemommy, it forces me to be the bad guy when I have to say no.

[QuirkyKapers]

I have a neighbor like this. Constantly undermining me by inviting the kids FIRST to some place, and letting me be the one to be a kill joy. Finally, when she came over and invited my dd to a birthday party at someone's house we did not know, for someone we did not know, I was (I thought) clear. I of course said the kids couldn't go, and HER dd burst into tears because she had been told my kids were going. :/ I set up a slip n slide, sprinkler, and fun stuff in my yard for my kids and she wanted to ditch the party and stay. So SHE had to be the one to say no to her dd this time. I later told her that is precisely why I NEVER ask the kids UNLESS I've talked to their mom. I thought I sent my message loud and clear. A day later she invited my dd out for ice cream. At 7 pm. Without me knowing. And when I declined because we had already had sweets AND it was 7 pm. She said well she can go and just sit with us! Ummmm. No.

 

 

 

 

I had a friend who would do this.  I told my kids that their response is to be, "I'll have to ask my mom (or dad depending on the scenario) and let you know." 

 

OP, I used to be in a situation where a friend would do this.  I used to think they were a good friend.  As time progressed, things became worse.  Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and that was that.  Done.  At first, I thought maybe I wasn't communicating clearly, I really don't like conflict.  So, I started making sure I was clear and saying things where my other friends heard me and could verify that I was. The relationship just got more combative.  I couldn't work anymore with someone who wouldn't  listen and turned everything around on me.   Too much emotional energy. Too much time wasted thinking if I just said something in the right way, I would be heard.  Nope.  It didn't matter.  It wasn't about our friendship.  I was about her needs and wants.    :grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug: as you figure out what to do.   

[Melissa in Australia]

I agree that this lady is a bit much. fancy rocking up at 8am uninvited! I agree with what others have posted. I get being non-confrontational. What if she rocks up again you get your kids started on school work and photocopy some sheets for her kids to do as well- or even better say to the friend 'thanks for coming over to teach my kids today, here is the teachers manual here is where they are at... her kids can join in to with this sheet of paper to write down their answers...'