If you were bullied during your school years...

[bettyandbob]

I have to leave and didn't read all the responses, but I will when I get in. This topic is extremely interesting to me!

 

I was bullied mercilessly in middle school by one person in particular... to the point of misery. After about three years I decided to leave the school in 10th grade. I transferred to a private school in November of 10th grade. Imagine my surprise to find a friend request from this person on Facebook very recently, and after accepting, to find out that this person had left my original school in December of 10th grade because his family moved!!!!!

 

Needless to say.... my life did change... graduated from a totally different high school.... met all new people ... some good, some bad.... all worked out in the end. But MAN!

Wild not to know for all these years that If I had only stuck it out one more month things would have been completely different.

 

What made you decide to accept a friend request from him? I might answer a message, but I would not accept a friend request.

[Alicia64]

I have to leave and didn't read all the responses, but I will when I get in. This topic is extremely interesting to me!

 

I was bullied mercilessly in middle school by one person in particular... to the point of misery. After about three years I decided to leave the school in 10th grade. I transferred to a private school in November of 10th grade. Imagine my surprise to find a friend request from this person on Facebook very recently, and after accepting, to find out that this person had left my original school in December of 10th grade because his family moved!!!!!

 

Needless to say.... my life did change... graduated from a totally different high school.... met all new people ... some good, some bad.... all worked out in the end. But MAN!

Wild not to know for all these years that If I had only stuck it out one more month things would have been completely different.

 

Not to go off topic, but did the bully apologize when he contacted you on Facebook? Why would the bully contact you on Facebook now?

 

Thanks for sharing!

 

Alley

[Farrar]

  And this leads to another effect of the bullying--I absolutely believe that if you don't stop it in the first couple of times it happens, you can NEVER stop it. Once you're labeled as the person all the other kids can pick on, I don't believe you can ever recover status as a normal kid in that group. I feel completely defeatist about it. Does anyone know if a bullied can really ever gain acceptance after they're labeled as the victim? Like, if you were the lowest kid on the social ladder for 2 years, can you suddenly recover and become friends with a bunch of your classmates? I don't think so, but I'd love to find out I'm wrong. But I just can't imagine that happening.

 

In the exact same group?  I'm not sure.  It seems like it would be hard.  That makes me glad that I moved around as a kid and then went to large middle and high schools.  Diffuse the bullies.  No small towns. :(

 

Basically though...  I guess I don't want to believe that it's as helpless as this.  I mean, yes, there are surely situations that there's no out from, not without radical adult interventions like moving away.  Sometimes it's adults who are the bullies (that was certainly my experience).  But I want to believe that groups can change, that situations can change, that people can change and grow.  Systems are resistant to change, but that doesn't mean change is impossible.  And at the least, I think we have to at least try to help kids be resilient.  And to do it - I hope - without placing any sense of blame on any child who is bullied.

 

I also think a lot of the bullying happens because of group momentum and that many of the kids aren't wicked.  I've been on the other side, not as a leader, but as somehow who didn't say anything, who avoided the kid who was the main victim or shunned her.  There was one girl who was terribly bullied in my middle school in ways that just appall me now.  And I can remember refusing to talk to her or engage with her.  Being embarrassed every time she came near.  She was later sexually assaulted by two boys and had to leave the school.  It was practically glossed over by the school in the worst way.  Those boys were back at school after a pretty short suspension.  I look back on that and think, with a few exceptions (like the kids who assaulted her) most of us didn't want to be mean, we were just caught in that dynamic and, at age 11, didn't know how to begin to break it.

 

I hope that doesn't come off as blaming the victim or apologizing for the bullies.  I think I was lucky as a kid not to have experienced anything worse.  I mean, I could tell a few horror stories and frame myself differently...  the year I had to eat lunch at the table of five other kids, all black boys who were a year older than me, who would just say things to mess with me or try to freak me out or really sexual things or racist things for the entire lunch period (I stopped eating during lunch that year and would just spend the whole period in my head).  But I also think I lucked into good strategies - one of which was never seeing myself as a victim.  Like that year, I was just angry at the idiot teachers who had forced me to sit there all year.  And I look back and think, good grief, I can see why adults found me insufferable.  But I was so stinking self-righteous about the whole affair that I didn't have time to think of myself as a victim.  And I'm not saying that anyone who would have been reduced to tears every day instead has any flaw.  That would have been a perfectly reasonable response too.  But I hope it's okay to think, if I could teach some other kids to be self-righteous little weasels like I always was, they'd probably come through it better.

[gardenmom5]

What made you decide to accept a friend request from him? I might answer a message, but I would not accept a friend request.

 

I'm not even sure I'd do that.  I've been on classmates so I could get info on my high school reunion.  I've had notices people were looking at my (non-existant) profile, but I've never cared to pay any fee to find out who, or to add information to my profile so people could contact me. 

 

went to my 10, didn't go to my 20.  I seriously debated whether to go to my 30 or not - and it was finally taken out of my hands as we already had reservastions that weekend for hawaii. :thumbup1:

 

someone put together a small gathering with those of us who'd been together since elementary school, with our 6th grade teacher.  He'd made a comment indicating he had tried to help my self-confidence, (but was clueless how,) and I literally instantly burst into tears.  I had no control, and it was very disconcerting.  

[Lieutenant Stranger]

I was bullied for two years (by a former best friend and her gang of creeps) and while it definitely was horrible at the time, I learned how to stand up for myself-- which was what eventually broke the endless torture.

 

Also, as an adult, it has made me have NO tolerance for bullies of any sort.

[J-rap]

I was not bullied, but wish I had been wise enough to stand up for those who WERE bullied.  I always felt so badly that I was oblivious/ignorant to all of that.  It became one of the main messages to my children, to stand up for those being bullied.  As an adult, I could never understand the message that it's better to be bullied and learn how to be tough than to be bullied and disappear.  I wouldn't have hesitated to pull my own kids out of school if they were being bullied.  For those who were bullied, do you think if you had had the opportunity to be pulled out of school at that point and homeschooled, would it have made a difference?

[gardenmom5]

 For those who were bullied, do you think if you had had the opportunity to be pulled out of school at that point and homeschooled, would it have made a difference?

 

yes.  part of the reason it started was learning disabilities. (and socially awkward.) it destroyed my self-confidence (people who know me now would be hard pressed to have any clue.), on top of the learning disabilities doing a number on my self-confidence.

 

though I also think my mother would have been a failure as a homeschooling mom.

 

I do remember a boy in 6th grade who did stand up for me.  he totally chewed out the kids who were bullying.  one of the very few who ever did.  (my mom told me to "ignore them". my grandmother was mentally abusive, so I do understand that was a big part of the problem.)

 

[Crimson Wife]

The one thing I have realized over the years is that not only should young people who bully be held accountable but the adults in the school should also be held accountable. My anger was against the kids for many years but I finally realized the adults - teachers and administrators - were also culpable. They knew; they saw it. And they did nothing.

I definitely blame the teachers and administrators. They took a "boys will be boys" attitude towards the s*xual harassment that was going on (this was before the whole Anita Hill controversy). I have a January birthday and so was the oldest in the class except for a couple of kids who had repeated a grade. I also had the misfortune of hitting puberty on the younger side. So I was wearing a 34B bra before most of the girls in my grade even started to develop. The boys harassed me and the girls decided to spread lies about me being a sl*t. My small town only had one middle school so it's not like I could've switched to a different school. I begged to go to private high school (to escape the bullies and also because I was bored academically). My parents said that they only had the money to pay for either private high school or college but not both. So I chose to stick it out at public school. I do think that was the right call but I wish that my folks had had the financial resources to get me out of that environment earlier.

[bettyandbob]

I was not bullied, but wish I had been wise enough to stand up for those who WERE bullied. I always felt so badly that I was oblivious/ignorant to all of that. It became one of the main messages to my children, to stand up for those being bullied. As an adult, I could never understand the message that it's better to be bullied and learn how to be tough than to be bullied and disappear. I wouldn't have hesitated to pull my own kids out of school if they were being bullied. For those who were bullied, do you think if you had had the opportunity to be pulled out of school at that point and homeschooled, would it have made a difference?

Possibly. But my mom at times acted like we were the burden that kept her from living how she wanted. And my dad was very focused on measuring achievement against other people. So, maybe not homeschooled by them.

[Karen in CO]

I was not bullied, but wish I had been wise enough to stand up for those who WERE bullied.  I always felt so badly that I was oblivious/ignorant to all of that.  It became one of the main messages to my children, to stand up for those being bullied.  As an adult, I could never understand the message that it's better to be bullied and learn how to be tough than to be bullied and disappear.  I wouldn't have hesitated to pull my own kids out of school if they were being bullied.  For those who were bullied, do you think if you had had the opportunity to be pulled out of school at that point and homeschooled, would it have made a difference?

Don't know, but my mom would have abandoned me to a pile of books and the woods which is always a good choice.

[texasmama]

You know, I just remembered a series of sexual harassment incidents in 7th grade.  My rear end was grabbed repeatedly by twin boys in my homeroom class.  I told our homeroom teacher.  I think it finally stopped.  It was humiliating.  However, I don't feel like I have lasting scars from that.  The details are kind of fuzzy, and I know I told my mother.  I think she advised me to physically retaliate.  If this happened to one of my kids, I would be up at the school at the next available opportunity.  This was in the early 80's so I  hope things have changed in the public schools, but I fear that many kids experience similar things.

[Dmmetler]

And this leads to another effect of the bullying--I absolutely believe that if you don't stop it in the first couple of times it happens, you can NEVER stop it. Once you're labeled as the person all the other kids can pick on, I don't believe you can ever recover status as a normal kid in that group. I feel completely defeatist about it. Does anyone know if a bullied can really ever gain acceptance after they're labeled as the victim? Like, if you were the lowest kid on the social ladder for 2 years, can you suddenly recover and become friends with a bunch of your classmates? I don't think so, but I'd love to find out I'm wrong. But I just can't imagine that happening.

 

I sort of did,

 

The year I had the 3rd grade teacher who was verbally abusive, which led, in turn, to my classmates being verbally abusive I ended up with a severe case of school anxiety, which wound up with me in counseling. The psychologist wasn't super-helpful in a lot of ways (mostly because I never told him about what the teacher had been doing), but he did push for one thing that was helpful-the GT program in my school system started at 4th, and not only did I qualify, I qualified for more hours of service than were available at one school. As a result, from 4th-6th grade, I spent a huge amount of time driving with the GT teacher between schools so I could get all the hours of GT in that I was allowed to have. Between that and special ed pull-outs, which I also qualified for, I ended up needing to spend the recesses and lunches that I was at my home school, usually, making up work or tests, so I hid in the teacher's lounge during those times.

 

The result was that for 3 years, I really wasn't part of any class or group. I'd learned to be quiet and keep my mouth shut during that abusive year, so in the GT classes, I mostly passed unnoticed, but, by 5th/6th grade had started to connect with a few people. It helped that band started the summer after 4th, and some of the kids who I was in different school GT programs with were also in band, so I had a few friends there.

 

When I moved to the 7-12 high school, I had that small core group of, not friends, but at least not enemies, and the kids had had three years of me mostly being out of sight out of mind to forget my buttons that were so easily pushed. So, I fell into the protective coloration-I became the quiet kid who would help you with your homework, who would sign up for every committee and do all the work, and who didn't make waves. I was known, and I wouldn't get ridiculed if I showed up at a party, but at the same time, if I wasn't there, no one would miss me.  I had a small core of friends, and, for the most part, they were the "fly under the radar" folks, too.

 

 

So yes, I escaped the active abuse, but it wasn't exactly a teen movie ending. More like Stockholm syndrome.

[amsunshine]

I was not bullied, but wish I had been wise enough to stand up for those who WERE bullied.  I always felt so badly that I was oblivious/ignorant to all of that.  It became one of the main messages to my children, to stand up for those being bullied.  As an adult, I could never understand the message that it's better to be bullied and learn how to be tough than to be bullied and disappear.  I wouldn't have hesitated to pull my own kids out of school if they were being bullied.  For those who were bullied, do you think if you had had the opportunity to be pulled out of school at that point and homeschooled, would it have made a difference?

Well, my mom was my bully, so that wouldn't have helped.  I was bullied occasionally by other kids in school, but nothing as bad.

 

I do have experience with my dd being bullied by another girl in one of her outside classes.  I would say that the bullying itself hasn't made her stronger.   I would, however, say she is stronger now  -- but only because I took a very proactive role intervening on her behalf, and also supporting her at home, by reading books on the topic together, discussing various coping strategies, role playing and doing my darndest to make sure her confidence in herself wasn't lost.  So, in other words, I believe she is stronger because of my role as a parent in supporting and advocating for her.  Not because of the bullying itself.

[Carrie75]

Yes, it has impacted me greatly. I was bullied in middle school by a very popular, loud, mean cheerleader type. Again I was bullied by a more quiet girl that was in our friend circle in high school. She didn't want me to be friends with my bff anymore, she wanted her to herself and she was very vicious and sneaky about getting her way. I was completely blindsided, as always, by her hatred for me.

 

I have trust issues and even though I want friends in my life now, I don't have anyone close. I don't know how to get past that good acquaintance phase. I blame the bullying.

 

[swellmomma]

I was not bullied, but wish I had been wise enough to stand up for those who WERE bullied.  I always felt so badly that I was oblivious/ignorant to all of that.  It became one of the main messages to my children, to stand up for those being bullied.  As an adult, I could never understand the message that it's better to be bullied and learn how to be tough than to be bullied and disappear.  I wouldn't have hesitated to pull my own kids out of school if they were being bullied.  For those who were bullied, do you think if you had had the opportunity to be pulled out of school at that point and homeschooled, would it have made a difference?

Yup.  I actually asked my mom why she never did just that.  Her response was she didn't want to raise a weirdo.  Yeah because being being weird (which shows her stereotyping of hsers) is so much worse than having a child being tormented day after day. *eyeroll*  f'ed up priorities...hmmm maybe I harbour some bitterness about this lol

[Crimson Wife]

why on earth would you friend them? 

I can understand curiosity (there is one guy I half expect to be on the receiving end of s3xual harassment lawsuits) - but these were horrid people who have nothing positive to offer.  no apology can undo the damage

I have heard through some of my high school classmates that I am friends with that certain of the bullies grew up and are perfectly fine people as adults. *IF* they were to reach out to me and offer an apology for the way they treated me back when we were in middle school, I'd be willing to start fresh with them. As a Christian, I believe it is right to offer forgiveness to those who are truly sorry for their mistakes. None of them have chosen to do so as of yet, and I've got enough friends from my post-high school life that I don't really care whether or not they do apologize.

[Anne in CA]

why on earth would you friend them? 

I can understand curiosity (there is one guy I half expect to be on the receiving end of s3xual harassment lawsuits) - but these were horrid people who have nothing positive to offer.  no apology can undo the damage  - of years of wanting to kill myself, or pushing 'friendly' people away because it's better to be isolated than hurt - even in my 40's.

 

When Facebook was new and I didn't really understand it, I thought it would just be a way to be polite. I am from a very small town and even though these people were hateful, my younger siblings were friends with some of their siblings so I meant to be polite, not become reacquainted, lol.

[Crimson Wife]

I also think a lot of the bullying happens because of group momentum and that many of the kids aren't wicked.  I've been on the other side, not as a leader, but as somehow who didn't say anything, who avoided the kid who was the main victim or shunned her.  There was one girl who was terribly bullied in my middle school in ways that just appall me now.  And I can remember refusing to talk to her or engage with her.  Being embarrassed every time she came near.  She was later sexually assaulted by two boys and had to leave the school.  It was practically glossed over by the school in the worst way.  Those boys were back at school after a pretty short suspension.  I look back on that and think, with a few exceptions (like the kids who assaulted her) most of us didn't want to be mean, we were just caught in that dynamic and, at age 11, didn't know how to begin to break it.

That was me, minus the assault (that poor girl!) The worst I had to endure was groping. I truly hope that my tormentors never did anything worse to any other girl, but frankly, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if some of them were guilty of r@pe. That's the danger when bad behavior gets dismissed as "boys will be boys".

[Erin]

Not to go off topic, but did the bully apologize when he contacted you on Facebook? Why would the bully contact you on Facebook now?

 

 

A girl who used to torment me mercilessly in 6th-8th grades ended up working at the same grocery store I did when we were seniors.  

We got to talking about bullies one day on break and she was talking about how she was bullied so cruelly in junior high!  By this point we had long since established, not a friendship exactly, but a pleasant working relationship anyway.  I was flabbergasted by this.  I didn't point out what a nasty, cruel thing she'd been to me because I was just so dumb-struck.

 

But I've thought about it a lot in the ensuing years.  I'm fairly sure she didn't even realize she was targeting other kids in her response to her own tormenters...  

Funny how we get so wrapped up in our own perspective.

[AMJ]

I fought back, but I was always still the victim. I was still small and still outcast. After a few beatdowns each year, I didn't have to fight again, but I was never let into groups. It was always just a matter of time before some other bully tried again to put me in my place. It didn't matter if I won or lost the fight or if I fought them before they could start in on me. Everyone knew that eventually the bullies would come after me again. No one wanted to have to be in a position to have to help me.

 

Eventually, I changed schools and grew. I never did learn to fit in with the crowd or trust that people would help me or even take my side when I am right. What I learned from fighting back has served me well as an adult in the business world. I don't think I've been intimidated since I was in third grade.

In the private school my eldest was getting in a lot of trouble in the final year because she expressed herself physically. When I would get called I would first talk to her, then the school personnel. I wanted her side before I would listen to any finger-pointing, and I made them hear and acknowledge her point of view. It turns out that that she was being verbally bullied and ostracised whenever certain true friends weren't there to tell the others to stop, and she, not having the words to adequately express her distress, would lash out. The teachers kept telling her to tell them when there's a problem, but then they wouldn't hear her out when stuff occurred and she was upset and having trouble finding the words.

 

Basically we pulled the kids out of b&m school because of academics and not liking the direction the school was taking, but I'm glad to get them out of such opportunities to be bullied and misunderstood as well.

[AMJ]

A girl who used to torment me mercilessly in 6th-8th grades ended up working at the same grocery store I did when we were seniors.

We got to talking about bullies one day on break and she was talking about how she was bullied so cruelly in junior high! By this point we had long since established, not a friendship exactly, but a pleasant working relationship anyway. I was flabbergasted by this. I didn't point out what a nasty, cruel thing she'd been to me because I was just so dumb-struck.

 

But I've thought about it a lot in the ensuing years. I'm fairly sure she didn't even realize she was targeting other kids in her response to her own tormenters...

Funny how we get so wrapped up in our own perspective.

People who abuse others (or themselves, or animals, etc.) usually have been abused themselves, and might still be being abused. They might not abuse in the same way they themselves were abused, however. And this is NOT to say that everyone who has been abused goes on to abuse.

 

This fact, taught to me by a friend (studying psychology) and his dad (a psychologist specializing in people abuse and drug abuse), combined with my Mom's revelation to me about a certain ancestor of ours, was a real eye-opener for me and started me on the path of understanding how it all affected me (bullying at school as well as at home, and the bullying I unthinkingly perpetuated myself), my own role in the dysfunctional family dynamic, and what I could do about it. It wasn't the start of my healing (that started earlier), but it was a key factor in the progression of my healing.

 

Ever since Mom told me about scumbag ancestor I have wondered whether or not to tell my kids about him someday. Part of me says to bury even the memory of him being mentioned and rob him of any ability to affect anyone in my line ever again (he died before I was born, but was still haunting generations of family). Another part of me rebelled at even the hint of "wishing it away" and covering it up, as hiding such a dirty family secret and blaming the victim were the time- and socially-honored practices of dealing with it in the past.

 

I know it didn't start with scumbag, I know he was very likely abused himself. But he bought into the social conventions of the time that encouraged it an with no compunction or regret perpetuated it, and perhaps committed worse. I have no desire to find out how far back it goes, however academically curious part of me might be.

 

My focus is on appreciating the riches of the good people who surround me now (more than I ever dreamed of), and making sure my kids need never be on the receiving end of any of this. If a good moment and reason for telling them about scumbag ever arises I will do so, and if not I won't. I am determined to end his influence here.

[AMJ]

That was me, minus the assault (that poor girl!) The worst I had to endure was groping. I truly hope that my tormentors never did anything worse to any other girl, but frankly, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if some of them were guilty of r@pe. That's the danger when bad behavior gets dismissed as "boys will be boys".

Even worse is titillated giggling about someone being a "dirty old man".

[Erin]

Oh I agree about "dirty old men."  

The very thought absolutely makes my skin crawl!

[shawthorne44]

Don't know, but my mom would have abandoned me to a pile of books and the woods which is always a good choice.

 

I think that there was sarcasm there.  ( I really don't have much of a sarcasm meter)

But, at least for me, that would have been an excellent choice.  Better even than having mom doing the teaching.  

 

Although, I found my sea-legs in High School, and I probably would have homeschooled all the way through and missed out on that.  I was very active and successful which gave me confidence, and the tracking kept me away from the bullies.   So, I didn't have a problem in High School.  Although, we lived 3 miles from a major university, and I would certainly have sat in on lectures.  So, maybe independent homeschooling wouldn't have been such a bad thing.  

 

I remember a girl that bullied me in 5th/6th grade being hauled away from school by the police in 7th or 8th.  We never learned what she did because of course she was a minor, and it wasn't anything she did at school.  You could tell they were angry, there faces had that cloudy, grim, angry look.  She was extremely short, and they had her handcuffed and one cop was on either side of her and they were holding her.  Her feet didn't really touch the ground.  Before elementary school was over, she had stopped targeting me.  When I saw her being hauled away, I was especially glad.  

[MomatHWTK]

I have seen at least three of the people who were bullies in high school that have turned into nice people as adults.  I've seen others who witnessed the bullying since then and they are always nice to me, some even a little apologetic.  So, some people do change.  They mature and realize that they don't want to be that high school person.  Of course, there are others who stay true to their bad core throughout life.  :glare:

 

I am finally in a "happy" place and confident with my life, but I still remove myself very quickly from any social situation that seems dominated by a bully.  (It's either that or totally lose my temper.)  As others have mentioned, I suffer from PTSD as a result of the high school years.    But, I also got a really kick a$$ education so that I have the knowledge and skills to at least legally defend myself against bullying.  :mad:

[Karen in CO]

I think that there was sarcasm there.  ( I really don't have much of a sarcasm meter)

But, at least for me, that would have been an excellent choice.  Better even than having mom doing the teaching.  

 

 

 

No sarcasm intended.  The words I remember most from my mom in my childhood are "go outside and play."  We had acres of swampy woods near our house that I spent most of my time in.  The only place I was allow to go alone besides the woods was the library, and it was one of the few air conditioned places in town.  (I grew up in the very very rural South)

[NoseInABook]

I was bullied too and am always nervous in social situations or at least in new ones. Honestly, it just made me reach out more to those who were being bullied to and be kind to them so they weren't alone like I was. They had someone to talk to if they wanted it but many were so bullied by others that they thought I was being insincere when I truly just wanted to be a friend and give them some relief from the non-stop poking and picking. :( 

[Redeemed7]

I never told my parents about the bullying in 8th grade. Is that unusual?

I never told my parents. I stuffed it all down inside.

The two years I was bullied were in the US.  I was "the Jap".  I happened to go back to that same small midwestern town many years later and a woman came up to me in the grocery store, "Hey, aren't you the Jap?"  Things were not  PC there. . .

 

You know, I don't think most people that say things like that realize they are being hurtful. When I hear things like that today it irks me, but as a child you just don't get how ignorant most people are. Words can be like sacks of bricks we carry around as years. In reference to you throwing up to get out of school, my mom often ignored things that today as a mother seem obvious to me, but maybe I am just a lot more sensitive to it. I do remember after I was married she found some journal I briefly wrote in and forgot about. She was upset that I hadn't shared those things with her before and was sorry.

And maybe it is a self fulfilling prophesy, but many of the other moms I run into are in cliques and really don't seem to want to talk to me.  I'm not looking for a BFF, just a bit of conversation while we wait for our kids to be done in a class, but whatever bully target signals I gave off as a child now seem to alert others that I'm the odd ball who should be excluded before I even say anything.

Wendy

Yes, I can relate. It sometimes feels like there must be a big arrow over my head that says don't talk to this woman, pretend like she's not there. I even felt like that when I briefly posted on this board years ago. It seemed like no one read my comments and it seemed like often the thread would close after I posted. It's like uh oh she showed up let's go. I realize now that's not the case, but those same insecurities some times can pop up. I realize no one will get to know me if I don't let them. I think of Rosie and how much support you all have given her. I'm sure if she had of only posted for one day people would have been sympathetic, but it wouldn't be the same as "knowing" her through her posts over the years.

 

I still am like this.  The few times in my adult life that I opened up and let others in I suffered the consequences dearly.  I don't let anyone in anymore, which means no one will ever know the real me because the real me is tired of being hurt and just won't come out to play anymore.

I completely get this too. I have had to learn to open myself up to people. It's hard to feel vulnerable when you've been hurt so many times. But, I make myself put myself out there. Not always because sometimes that little girl comes back. I just don't want to live like everyone is out to get me which is what I did for years. Plain and simple, some people are jerks and most people are broken. I know many people don't share my faith, but it was truly life healing when I realized God saw me as a wonderful, beautiful child of His and His opinion is the only one that really matters. Now I try to look at people through their insecurities. If they don't want to talk to me, then with God's help I have learned how to shake the dust from my feet and move on.

[5of5]

Yes, I was bullied.  I’m not sure how much it still affects me.  I do recall very distinctly that the bullying had the side-effect of teaching me that “authority†was not always right or even sensible.  One time a nun (I went to a Catholic school) caught my main tormentor bothering me.  Her solution?  She punished both of us because it “takes two to tangleâ€.  The young child I was couldn't believe that a nun (!) could be so ignorant or wrong to think that there was no such thing as an innocent victim!

[Redeemed7]

There's one thing I forgot to mention in my last post. I realize that not everyone on here was bullied, but with all these posts it makes me wonder if parents being bullied isn't a prevailing theme among homeschoolers. I know many have removed their children from public school because of bullying. I just didn't realize that being bullied themselves might be a big reason for many to homeschool. I myself never thought I did it for that reason, but upon reflection it probably influenced my decision more than I realized.

 

Even though all these posts are tragic, it does help me to realize that I am definitely not alone and others understand. You see a lot about bullying today, but as a child it seemed like me vs the world.

[Alenee]

I was bullied from 4th-10th grades.  If it wasn't one mean person, it was another.  I wasn't the type to shrug it off so people always got the rise out of me that they were looking for.  In the summer after tenth grade, I tried to commit suicide and then again in the beginning of my junior year. If the bullying had only been at school, I might've made it through but I faced it at home with my step-dad as well.  After the second attempt, my mom finally pulled me from that school and started me at the alternative high school on independent study.  I only had to go in once a week to turn in work.  All of that bullying definitely took its toll.  It wasn't until I moved away from that state did I find out there were people who would like me.  My dh teases me because we can't go anywhere without seeing someone I know and stopping to chat.  The bullying definitely played a role in our choosing to homeschool and now as we get ready to enroll the kids in public school, my nerves are on edge.  I worry about my middle dd because of her personality and quirkiness.  She could make an easy target.  And I worry too about my youngest because of her age.  She has a summer birthday so we're holding her back a grade.  And she's tall.  Already taller than her age/grade peers.  I pray every day that they'll be able to avoid any bullying but plan to step in and do something about it if they can't.

[bettyandbob]

The fact that I was bullied was not the reason to homeschool. We've done all range of school placements: public, private, and homeschool. Older ds homeschooled in early elem, then he wanted to try school. After a few years, it was clear he was being bullied and a meeting with the school revealed the verbal and physical bullying was supported by a teacher we had no hesitation in homeschooling again. Ds didn't want to leave his school, there were a few teachers who did like him,but the teacher who didn't was also an administrator. So, we homeschooled middle school, then ds went to public high school. No problems with bullies at the large public high school.

 

Dd attended the same private school. They were surprised we pulled her out too and homeschooled her. They seemed to think that since she wasn't being bullied she should be find. What lunatics. Just because a child isn't being bullied doesn't mean I want that child in an environment where bullying is tolerated. What would she learn about treating others.

 

I think having been bullied made me more sensitive and made it easier to quickly respond when I saw it happen to ds.

 

I believe he may have many lasting effects, since it was mental and physical and encouraged by an adult.

[bzymom]

n

[Alenee]

Reading these responses brings me to tears for each person who endured this.

 

I was bullied from middle though high school.  I started cutting school to escape, more and more frequently.  No place to go, nothing to do.  Just wandering.  Nobody seemed to notice.  I left in 12th grade when the school finally realized I had been absent about 3 days every week.  I went to night school to graduate.  And not to toot my horn, but my testing placed me in the top of my class.  I could have succeeded and excelled in high school, I believe.  If they had just stopped making my life Hell every. single. day.

 

Or if anybody had paid one little bit of attention.

 

I didn't want to hit "like" because I don't like what you went through. But I liked your last few lines because I can totally relate. 

[Mom23Boys]

I would say yes.  In first grade, I cried every day of school except for 9.  I know that bc I got a certificate for each day I didn't cry. It was so bad that they put an extra teacher on carpool duty to pull me out of the car and bring me to my classroom so I wouldn't walk home. They couldn't get me on the bus.  

 

That year set me up for years of teasing and outright bullying.  The reason I cried every day was because my dad had been killed in a car accident about a month before school started. I was terrified to leave my mom.  

 

Elementary and junior high were miserable.  High school was much better.  

 

I still suffer from low self esteem and every time I invite people over or have a party for my kids, I have severe anxiety that no one will come, even though that has never happened.  I am always scared people don't really like me.  Some super good friends, my DH and my SIL have helped a lot, but I wouldn't say I am over it yet.  

[shawthorne44]

I didn't want to hit "like" because I don't like what you went through. But I liked your last few lines because I can totally relate. 

 

Yeah, I've "Liked" a few because the posts really spoke to me, not because I liked what was done.  

 

I suspect that those of who have been affected negatively by bullying to a more than normal extent (isn't that messed up that I felt the need to add that qualifier?)  have a shorter trigger as far as doing anything to stop it or prevent it.  

 

I think in another thread someone thought that kids that were earlier readers were more likely to be homeschooled.  The idea was that they went to school and were totally bored.  

[Alicia64]

I would say yes.  In first grade, I cried every day of school except for 9.  I know that bc I got a certificate for each day I didn't cry. It was so bad that they put an extra teacher on carpool duty to pull me out of the car and bring me to my classroom so I wouldn't walk home. They couldn't get me on the bus.  

 

That year set me up for years of teasing and outright bullying.  The reason I cried every day was because my dad had been killed in a car accident about a month before school started. I was terrified to leave my mom.  

 

Elementary and junior high were miserable.  High school was much better.  

 

I still suffer from low self esteem and every time I invite people over or have a party for my kids, I have severe anxiety that no one will come, even though that has never happened.  I am always scared people don't really like me.  Some super good friends, my DH and my SIL have helped a lot, but I wouldn't say I am over it yet.  

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  to you, Mom23boys, and everyone who went through such a horror. I'm so sorry.

 

I was bullied as a kid, but oddly I've blocked 98 % of it out. Isn't that strange? Is it called. . . disassociation? Or early Alzheimers? Yikes.

 

I had a bad home life and a bad school life. Those years are somewhat of a blank now.

 

Alley

[AMJ]

The fact that I was bullied was not the reason to homeschool. We've done all range of school placements: public, private, and homeschool. Older ds homeschooled in early elem, then he wanted to try school. After a few years, it was clear he was being bullied and a meeting with the school revealed the verbal and physical bullying was supported by a teacher we had no hesitation in homeschooling again. Ds didn't want to leave his school, there were a few teachers who did like him,but the teacher who didn't was also an administrator. So, we homeschooled middle school, then ds went to public high school. No problems with bullies at the large public high school.

 

Dd attended the same private school. They were surprised we pulled her out too and homeschooled her. They seemed to think that since she wasn't being bullied she should be find. What lunatics. Just because a child isn't being bullied doesn't mean I want that child in an environment where bullying is tolerated. What would she learn about treating others.

 

I think having been bullied made me more sensitive and made it easier to quickly respond when I saw it happen to ds.

 

I believe he may have many lasting effects, since it was mental and physical and encouraged by an adult.

When we failed to re-enroll our kids in private school I used elder DD'S recent diagnosis as the main part of the reason we gave the school -- they weren't able to teach her (because administration wanted cookie cutter kids and wouldn't let the teachers really try, though I refrained from saying that). They were surprised when we didn't re-enroll younger DD, either.

 

What's amazing to me is how advanced younger DD naturally is in math and her grasp of higher-grade concepts in so many topics. It turns out my "just fine" kid who was doing okay wasn't being offered enough challenge and opportunity to show just how much she could do.

 

And elder DD? Much smarter than anyone gave her credit for. One of my big challenges is getting her to believe she really can do certain things, and not take "it's too hard" as an excuse to not bother trying. I think I need to find ways to let her show off being smart, so she finds the fun and pride again.

[Ravin]

I still give others very little chance to get to know me.

As an adult, and even in college, I focused on finding new friends in communities of common interest, where I knew I had common ground with people. In environments like work, I can still be standoffish.

[Ravin]

I was bullied from 4th-10th grades. If it wasn't one mean person, it was another. I wasn't the type to shrug it off so people always got the rise out of me that they were looking for. In the summer after tenth grade, I tried to commit suicide and then again in the beginning of my junior year. If the bullying had only been at school, I might've made it through but I faced it at home with my step-dad as well. After the second attempt, my mom finally pulled me from that school and started me at the alternative high school on independent study. I only had to go in once a week to turn in work. All of that bullying definitely took its toll. It wasn't until I moved away from that state did I find out there were people who would like me. My dh teases me because we can't go anywhere without seeing someone I know and stopping to chat. The bullying definitely played a role in our choosing to homeschool and now as we get ready to enroll the kids in public school, my nerves are on edge. I worry about my middle dd because of her personality and quirkiness. She could make an easy target. And I worry too about my youngest because of her age. She has a summer birthday so we're holding her back a grade. And she's tall. Already taller than her age/grade peers. I pray every day that they'll be able to avoid any bullying but plan to step in and do something about it if they can't.

One of the things that set my mind at ease in putting DD in school is that the school we have chosen seems to attract quirky (artsy) kids, and fosters an environment where they can be themselves and express themselves. It's also small, so she won't fall below the radar.

[AMJ]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: to you, Mom23boys, and everyone who went through such a horror. I'm so sorry.

 

I was bullied as a kid, but oddly I've blocked 98 % of it out. Isn't that strange? Is it called. . . disassociation? Or early Alzheimers? Yikes.

 

I had a bad home life and a bad school life. Those years are somewhat of a blank now.

 

Alley

Many of my childhood years are a blank, too. Remembering some occurs now and then, and is extremely painful. The blanks are the brain's way of shutting away stuff that doesn't help and only hurts.

 

It is really easy to get caught up in this thread. The pain can still resurface when I dig too deep into the memories. A little can give some catharsis, but if I hang about too long I'll start to wallow again. Yes, I need to delve into it from time to time to work on the story I am trying to write, but I can get very depressed even all these decades later if I stay too long. (See my NaNoWriMo badge? I was writing about this stuff. Major catharsis that month, but it's taken 5 months just to get to where I will look at my notes again.)

 

I need to go cook supper. Hugs to every one of you!

[Heather in Neverland]

I was never bullied as a kid but my dh was. He was overweight and was tortured all through school. After graduation he started working out and is now quite buff. :)

 

But

 

He has serious body image issues because of the bullying. It doesn't matter how fit he is, he still sees the fat kid everyone made fun of when he looks in the mirror. Not metaphorically. He literally sees himself as fat. I think there is a term for this but I don't remember it.

 

It has haunted him his whole adult life and has caused problems in our marriage at times.

 

As a principal, I am ABSOLUTELY MERCILESS when it comes to bullies. I will not put up with even ONE instance of it. I find out about it and I come down like a hammer on that kid. I have seen what bullying does to kids and I will not put up with it in my school.

[Alenee]

 

As a principal, I am ABSOLUTELY MERCILESS when it comes to bullies. I will not put up with even ONE instance of it. I find out about it and I come down like a hammer on that kid. I have seen what bullying does to kids and I will not put up with it in my school.

 

I wish you had been my princiPAL. Those kids are blessed to have you!

[Alenee]

One of the things that set my mind at ease in putting DD in school is that the school we have chosen seems to attract quirky (artsy) kids, and fosters an environment where they can be themselves and express themselves. It's also small, so she won't fall below the radar.

 

I've heard very good things about our schools too.  I'm holding out hope that dd's non-confrontational attitude in public and her ability to make friends is what keeps any major bullying away.  There were two boys in our small co-op who when together were a little bit picky at her, however, I observed her walking away from it rather than engaging them.  I pray this is all it takes and that she finds a solid group of friends to hang with. 

[Alenee]

 

It is really easy to get caught up in this thread. The pain can still resurface when I dig too deep into the memories. A little can give some catharsis, but if I hang about too long I'll start to wallow again. Yes, I need to delve into it from time to time to work on the story I am trying to write, but I can get very depressed even all these decades later if I stay too long. (See my NaNoWriMo badge? I was writing about this stuff. Major catharsis that month, but it's taken 5 months just to get to where I will look at my notes again.)

 

I need to go cook supper. Hugs to every one of you!

 

I began writing about my childhood at one point and found myself in a black hole that was very difficult to overcome.  This thread is causing myriad emotions so I'm probably going to check out from here.  Hugs to all!

 

[bettyandbob]

 

As a principal, I am ABSOLUTELY MERCILESS when it comes to bullies. I will not put up with even ONE instance of it. I find out about it and I come down like a hammer on that kid. I have seen what bullying does to kids and I will not put up with it in my school.

 

I hope this doesn't derail the thread. However, I've had the perception that Asian cultures tolerate certain forms of bullying for achievement or conformity purposes. I actually do not even know where I got this perception, perhaps reading various stories over the years. Perhaps I've misinterpreted. I realize your school is international, but are there Asian culture influences and do you see them in bullying?

[Word Nerd]

I was much smaller than my classmates and was a clumsy nerd, so I was teased some as a kid, but not enough for me to consider it bullying. But one of my classmates who had formerly been a friend took a real dislike to me as we got older. She was nasty to me on the playground and would shove me around. Talking smack back to her and telling her to leave me alone had no effect, but b!tch slapping her one day at recess when I'd had enough made it stop. She slapped me back and that was the end of it. We avoided and ignored each other after that, and she refused to speak to me at our reunion a few years ago. :rolleyes: I still don't know to this day why she started being so hateful in the first place.

[Crimson Wife]

I just didn't realize that being bullied themselves might be a big reason for many to homeschool. I myself never thought I did it for that reason, but upon reflection it probably influenced my decision more than I realized.

I didn't start HSing because I was bullied, but my horrible experience in middle school is a big reason why I am committed to keeping my oldest home through 8th if at all possible. As much of a pill as she can be right now, I won't throw her into the vipers' nest that middle school is socially.

[Heather in Neverland]

I hope this doesn't derail the thread. However, I've had the perception that Asian cultures tolerate certain forms of bullying for achievement or conformity purposes. I actually do not even know where I got this perception, perhaps reading various stories over the years. Perhaps I've misinterpreted. I realize your school is international, but are there Asian culture influences and do you see them in bullying?

Yes, that is very true especially among our Korean population. However, I still don't allow it. Just because certain things are "culturally acceptable" doesn't make them right. They attend an American international school by choice and they can follow my rules or they can take their bullying elsewhere. They sometimes show up at our school and bring their old habits with them but those habits are quickly changed or they are kicked out.

 

Honestly, most of them are relieved at the change and are happy to let go of the bullying and enjoy the safe environment we have created.

[apennieformythoughts]

There are so many posts here that hit close to home with me. I was bullied more during my elementary years than I was in high school. I'm from a rural area, so our schools were K-12. I attended the school in my hometown until I was in 6th grade and then started a school that was 15 miles down the road from 7th-12th grade. The bullying started almost from kindergarten. No one wanted to play with me. I wouldn't get chosen for teams, nobody would touch things that I had touched, they would physically move away from me if I came near them. My own friends would pretend not to be friends with me at school (we were "country neighbors" and went to the same church), but would play with me at their houses or mine or at church. Kids would pull chairs out from under me so I would fall, I would have to let them physically hurt me if I wanted to join in on something and then they wouldn't let me play after all. I got invited to a birthday party once as a joke and when I showed up the girl was extremely upset that I was there and was trying to convince her mom to make me leave. A girl who was supposed to be my friend (at least outside of school) invited me to her party, just to have it planned that she would push me down the top of a steep hill under the pretense of us going sledding. Another friend (who also wouldn't be friends with me at school) ran down to warn me, so I'm thankful for that, at least. I would eat lunch alone. I had no friends. I was poor. I was a blinking target. I don't remember telling my parents about it. 

 

While this was going on, I was also being molested by my uncle and cousin (not father/son and not together, but both from my mom's side of the family) starting at age 7. That was being dealt with outside of school, in 4th grad a teacher thought I was lying to her about being done with my vocabulary words because I couldn't find the page in my notebook (I was disorganized), so she shook me in front of the entire class and I peed my pants. I did tell my mom about that and she dealt with it, but nothing ever came of it that I remember. My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mom was the one who moved out. My oldest sister (18) moved out at the same time. The summer after 6th grade we were placed in foster care for just the summer (and placed with family, our mom didn't want to take us) because my dad needed to clean up the house. It wasn't dirty, but it was messy. And he was a single dad with 3 kids under the age of 12.He was doing the best he could. My mom's boyfriend called in to be hateful towards my dad. 

 

I started a new school in 7th grade and the active bullying stopped. I made a few friends, but wasn't popular by any means. I didn't attend parties or hang out with the cool kids. But no one was tormenting me and I actually had people to talk to and a few friends to have sleepovers with. There was only one fight between my friends and I that led to me wanting to commit suicide in 8th grade, but i chalk that up to teen angst more than the actual situation was horrible. 

 

But as an adult? Oh MAN am I screwed up. Angry and bitter with my mother. A bullying streak of my own (that primal urge of "I'm going to hurt you before you hurt me."), feeling like my friends and husband don't really like me or want to be with me. I'm afraid to disagree with my friends because I don't want them to all of a sudden realize they don't like me after all and turn away from me. And I mean over small things like not liking the same show or not wanting to go to the same restaurant. I'm almost always convinced that I'm not worth fighting for. That it's embarrassing for my husband to be seen with me in public. I overreact if I think my dd's are being ostracized in any way. I get easily offended by children to this DAY, no matter how hard I try not to. I'm afraid to get involved in things because I automatically assume I'm going to be rejected. 

 

It's awful. I totally believe it changed me, amongst other things. But I also think I'm resilient. If I were to receive a message on facebook, I would be willing to work towards reconciliation. I'm friends with a few of the people on fb. One of them had a status up once about how her daughter was being bullied and how she just "hates bullies." GAG ME. It took a lot of willpower not to comment and say something snarky and rude. The girl who ran down the hill to warn me? We've been friends with her family since I was a baby, and she is someone I consider a "sister." She's heard many times over the years just how much she's damaged me with that crap.