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I had to put Luke down today (graphic content)

AimeeM

By AimeeM,
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AimeeM

AimeeM

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It was horrible and graphic. I've put down dogs before, but those were mostly age/stroke related. Luke was only 3 (he would have been 4 next month) and was sick.

When his heart stopped, bile or some kind of brown substance started pouring from his nose and mouth. I wasn't prepared for that at all. In a way, it made me feel better about the euthanasia, because the doctor said that it appeared he was very, very sick, but on the other hand, it was not peaceful as it was when I've put down elderly pets.

 

I find myself sobbing over random things. A neighbor came by with condolences, and when they knocked I ran quickly to shut the door behind me, anticipating Luke (who never did learn not to jump to greet) - only to realize, like a punch in the gut, that I would never have to do that again. At the moment, I would give anything to yell at him not to run over the baby on his way to greet dad at the door and not to bark at the landscaper.

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

From reading your previous posts, you provided a wonderful home and family for Luke. He could not have been in a better place as he went through the difficulties of his life.

 

Erica in OR

I wish I could agree with you. His last day was chaotic and miserable for him, though, and I regret that so much. This morning when he vomited up his food and it was clear that he had absolutely no control over his bowels, I spoke harshly to him... and my stomach hurts to think of that. I had to banish him to the cold kitchen floor to keep him contained to one, easy to clean, area, away from the children. I spoke harshly to him and I'll never forgive myself for that. I made the call, gave him a double dose of his pain meds to calm him, and when I put him in the car, I felt like I was betraying him - he was so excited, even when he was miserable and messy, to ride in the front of the car with me (he usually rides in the back... he looked so happy and excited.

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Flowing Brook

Flowing Brook

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I wish I could agree with you. His last day was chaotic and miserable for him, though, and I regret that so much. This morning when he vomited up his food and it was clear that he had absolutely no control over his bowels, I spoke harshly to him... and my stomach hurts to think of that. I had to banish him to the cold kitchen floor to keep him contained to one, easy to clean, area, away from the children. I spoke harshly to him and I'll never forgive myself for that. I made the call, gave him a double dose of his pain meds to calm him, and when I put him in the car, I felt like I was betraying him - he was so excited, even when he was miserable and messy, to ride in the front of the car with me (he usually rides in the back... he looked so happy and excited.

 

As someone that just lost their pet in a traumatic way let me say don't blame or beat yourself up. You loved Luke and gave him the best life possible. Luke knew you loved him.  I know it's hard. Even though I know I did the right thing I still beat myself up for not going out and rescuing Rowan. I still see him out in the water barking at me to come rescue him. 

Please don't think of the bad times remember all the good times and the things that made Luke special.  I just love the picture of Luke with the pirates hat on it. When I see it I see a dog that was loved and treated as a member of the family. You did the best for him that could have been done.  I think you can rest assured that you exhausted every avenue you had at bringing him healing.  Please we all fall short or what we want to be in life but thankfully that does not mean we are a failure. Some more hugs to you as you go through this terrible time :grouphug: :grouphug:

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albeto.

albeto.

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I wish I could agree with you. His last day was chaotic and miserable for him, though, and I regret that so much. This morning when he vomited up his food and it was clear that he had absolutely no control over his bowels, I spoke harshly to him... and my stomach hurts to think of that. I had to banish him to the cold kitchen floor to keep him contained to one, easy to clean, area, away from the children. I spoke harshly to him and I'll never forgive myself for that. I made the call, gave him a double dose of his pain meds to calm him, and when I put him in the car, I felt like I was betraying him - he was so excited, even when he was miserable and messy, to ride in the front of the car with me (he usually rides in the back... he looked so happy and excited.

 

I've put a dog down before under circumstances that looked and felt awful. I know the temptation to feel guilty and blame yourself for things you could have done differently. Might I gently suggest that Luke couldn't hang on and you did the kindest thing, even though it feels terrible. That he was happy in the car doesn't mean you betrayed him - it means car rides were associated with good memories for him. At some point, like you we had to consider the emotional and physical health of our children was more important than giving him one or two more days of being forced to endure a painful, terminal disease. You did the same thing for your Luke, and it wasn't just a logical choice, it was a compassionate one. Please allow yourself the time to grieve and process this loss, and give yourself permission to think about the events later. Without the emotional roller-coaster of wondering and hoping and praying that things will get better, you'll find your thoughts will eventually settle down and you can recall fond memories of your beloved dog. 

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. You were a good companion to him. I think precious few people would have given him this much time to try and find an alternative. You did good, even though it hurts. 

 

*hugs*

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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We just bought him a huge beautiful dog bed. It's just sitting in the corner. I put up a "free to a good home" post on facebook, hoping to get rid of it. I can't look at it anymore. Even though he never used it, seeing it reminds me how he would just walk past it when I said "in your bed", preferring to lay at my feet on the hardwoods or steal a seat on the couch when DH wasn't looking.

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AimeeM

AimeeM

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As someone that just lost their pet in a traumatic way let me say don't blame or beat yourself up. You loved Luke and gave him the best life possible. Luke knew you loved him.  I know it's hard. Even though I know I did the right thing I still beat myself up for not going out and rescuing Rowan. I still see him out in the water barking at me to come rescue him. 

Please don't think of the bad times remember all the good times and the things that made Luke special.  I just love the picture of Luke with the pirates hat on it. When I see it I see a dog that was loved and treated as a member of the family. You did the best for him that could have been done.  I think you can rest assured that you exhausted every avenue you had at bringing him healing.  Please we all fall short or what we want to be in life but thankfully that does not mean we are a failure. Some more hugs to you as you go through this terrible time :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's heartbreaking :(

My daughter is angry with us, I think - I don't know how to help her with that. One minute it's like she doesn't care, but the next minute she's sobbing and yelling at me to go away.

 

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CupOCoffee

CupOCoffee

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So sorry for your loss!!  I may soon be faced with putting down my own young pet (not even 2, and his kidneys are failing).  Your Luke knows that he was loved, please don't beat yourself up!!  ((hugs)) to you and your family  :(  as you deal with this loss.

 

~coffee~

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jeninok

jeninok

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I wish I could agree with you. His last day was chaotic and miserable for him, though, and I regret that so much. This morning when he vomited up his food and it was clear that he had absolutely no control over his bowels, I spoke harshly to him... and my stomach hurts to think of that. I had to banish him to the cold kitchen floor to keep him contained to one, easy to clean, area, away from the children. I spoke harshly to him and I'll never forgive myself for that. I made the call, gave him a double dose of his pain meds to calm him, and when I put him in the car, I felt like I was betraying him - he was so excited, even when he was miserable and messy, to ride in the front of the car with me (he usually rides in the back... he looked so happy and excited.

 

You did give him a happy home, and speaking harshly does not undo the fact that he lived and died with love and compassion and care.  He had a good life with you, much better than it would have been without a loving family who did all they could to help his medical needs, but also knew when the kind thing to do was to say goodbye to him. 

 

I am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry for your pain right now.   (((Hugs)))

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SunnyDays

SunnyDays

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Oh, Aimee.... Sweetie, I'm so very sorry. How awful. You definitely made the compassionate choice, even knowing how much your family will miss him, and I guarantee he knew he was loved, very much.

 

Many hugs to you and yours as you come to terms with your loss. I wish you much comfort. :grouphug:

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Kathryn

Kathryn

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost a dog violently and it was very difficult. She seemed lethargic when I went to let the dogs out one morning. I had a doctor appointment, but DH decided to stay home with her and keep an eye on her. When I got home,t here was a hastily written note on the table (in the days before cell phones) that they were at the vet. I knew in my heart at that moment. I rushed to the vet and followed a trail of some sort of brown liquid from DH's truck, into the vet and into an exam room. She lay on the table convulsing with her eyes rolled back and the brown liquid coming out of her nose and mouth. It was so awful. They were able to stop the seizing and told us to go wait at home, but she died an hour later. I felt SO awful that I wasn't there for her that morning. She was MY dog.

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Guest

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I wish I could agree with you. His last day was chaotic and miserable for him, though, and I regret that so much. This morning when he vomited up his food and it was clear that he had absolutely no control over his bowels, I spoke harshly to him... and my stomach hurts to think of that. I had to banish him to the cold kitchen floor to keep him contained to one, easy to clean, area, away from the children. I spoke harshly to him and I'll never forgive myself for that. I made the call, gave him a double dose of his pain meds to calm him, and when I put him in the car, I felt like I was betraying him - he was so excited, even when he was miserable and messy, to ride in the front of the car with me (he usually rides in the back... he looked so happy and excited.

 

Our three year old Lab developed osteosarcoma in her leg.  Despite amputation, it moved through her body, and went into her lungs. The morning we had her put down, she was coughing blood, and running a very high fever.  A few days before, the vet had told us he had done all he could for her, and that anything more would be for us, not her.  We KNEW it was time, but as we drove to the vet, she was on the back seat, wagging her tail.  We second guessed ourselves for quite a while, and the grief was unbearable at times. Just a couple months ago we had to have our older dog put down.  Even with the evidence on xrays in front of me, it hurt to make that decision.  It is never easy to let them go, but I believe that they let us know when it is ok. It is natural to wonder if you did the right thing, and you beat yourself up over the little things sometimes.  But it sounds like you did ALL you could for him before you came to that decision.  Luke knew he was loved....that was evident by his being excited to be going somewhere with you.  My Willow loved everyone and every dog.  I am sure her crazy self was there at the bridge, wagging her tail and wanting to play chase. :) 

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Suzanne115

Suzanne115

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I'm so sorry.  It is so hard to lose a beloved pet.  Having to make the choice for euthanasia makes it even harder.  I had to put my beloved standard poodle to sleep in early December.  I still find myself crying over him.  I know it was the right thing to do, but I stil second guess myself and our trusted vets at times.  I'm sure Luke knew he was loved. Give yourself time and permission to grieve his loss,. 

 

 

Hugs,

Suzanne

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East Coast Sue

East Coast Sue

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I am sorry for your loss. Be gentle on yourself.

 

We lost our kitty recently and it was really traumatic.  I've felt guilt over her sudden illness (cancer) and death too, but I think if I could distance myself from the situation I would not see any reason to feel guilty. I think you're in a similar situation. You gave your dog the best possilbe life and he was loved dearly.

 

(((Hugs)))

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