Joker Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 My oldest will be turning 14 this month (party is not until next month) and came to us saying she would like donations instead of gifts. We've never brought this up with our dds but she said she doesn't need anything and just received a lot at Christmas. She would like to request donations for our local animal shelter instead, which is something really close to her heart. We volunteer there and she's usually in tears when we leave but insists on going back. I've told her that I've heard many find it in bad taste, that some get offended, and many might still bring gifts which will be uncomfortable. She really feels her friends know her well enough to not be upset and wants to do it. I'm thinking to let her word the invitations the way she wants, but dh is worried (and I'm not 100% confident it is okay). Should I try to talk her out of it? ETA: It's not a monetary donation. The shelter lists what its needs are each month. So, she would ask for cat/dog food and towels in lieu of gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I'm not a big fan of people telling guests specifically what they want for their birthday unless they are specifically asked for suggestions. It seems tacky. If any of your dd's friends ask her what she would like, I think she could mention the donation idea, though. It's very sweet that she wants to donate money to help the animals at the shelter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I'd probably make a $20 donation out of guilt and feel super-awkward. It feels like they are asking for money. If the person I love doesn't need/want anything, why not just specify no presents? Actually, I'd probably drag my feet and not donate at all, but feel sheepish. I did send out invitations to a child's birthday party one year telling guests that "preloved" presents were welcome and most people felt really awkward about that - and I was just trying to make life easier/cheaper! Emily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMV Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Perhaps you and DH could donate to the shelter in celebration of your DD's birthday. I would also say that she/you could tell anyone who asks what she wants for her birthday that she would love it if they would donate to the animal shelter (this then leaves the individual free to donate or to decide to get her something else). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Oh, I should add she wouldn't be asking for a monetary donation. The shelter lists each month what it needs. So, she would be asking that guests bring food and towels in lieu of gifts. She also wanted to add toys to the list because the cats never seem to have very many. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I don't have strong feelings about this either way, but why is it in bad taste to put this on a birthday invite but it's ok in an obituary to say in lieu of flowers that donations to a certain charity are requested? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I think if it is near and dear to her heart, that is one thing-- vs people that have you bring gifts, then donate the gifts. That is irritating-- I had to shop and think about the child and wrap it. If worded well, (on the invite) I think it could be classy. Something along the lines of: As you who are close to Jenny know that she really has a heart for the unfortuate animals in our local shelter. She would prefer to not have you shower her with gifts at this time, and perhaps find it in your hearts to buy a gift for her friends instead. This would make her smile every week when she sees her furry friends with a new toy or needed blanket that you donated in her name. I guess I would point out that this would make her happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 instead of a birthday party, why not have a Bless the Animals party? Then people will bring donations for the animals, and oh by the way, have cake and ice cream. :-) You really cannot have a birthday party and tell people not to bring gifts or what kind of gifts they may bring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 instead of a birthday party, why not have a Bless the Animals party? Then people will bring donations for the animals, and oh by the way, have cake and ice cream. :-) You really cannot have a birthday party and tell people not to bring gifts or what kind of gifts they may bring. I brought up the idea of not calling it a birthday party, but all of her friends know it is her birthday and have been asking what she will be doing. So, she doesn't feel comfortable trying to fool them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 instead of a birthday party, why not have a Bless the Animals party? Then people will bring donations for the animals, and oh by the way, have cake and ice cream. :-) You really cannot have a birthday party and tell people not to bring gifts or what kind of gifts they may bring. That's a nifty workaround! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Maybe I am strange, but I don't think I've ever heard of a 14-year-old having a birthday party. In my experience, they normally just go out with family, maybe special friends, and it's not a gift-giving event. So maybe you could just skip the whole "party" thing and let her spread the word about her favorite charity outside the context of a gift grab. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 Maybe I am strange, but I don't think I've ever heard of a 14-year-old having a birthday party. In my experience, they normally just go out with family, maybe special friends, and it's not a gift-giving event. So maybe you could just skip the whole "party" thing and let her spread the word about her favorite charity outside the context of a gift grab. ;) Her and her friends have parties just like I did. Sometimes they are sleepovers. This one would be pizza, cake, ice cream, and teenage silliness (which will include dancing around like idiots). She had one birthday party last weekend, has one this weekend, one the weekend after, and then her own. It's not uncommon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted January 24, 2014 Author Share Posted January 24, 2014 I think we've decided to hold her party on Valentine's Day, and in honor of that she will ask her friends to bring a donation for something near and dear to her heart (the animal shelter). Everything will be more Valentine's Day themed than birthday themed so no one should get upset. Hopefully, this will work and she will be happy. She seems to be really excited about the idea. Any ideas the Hive would have would be greatly appreciated! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momofeat Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Personally, I wouldn't be offended at all. Instead, I would be touched that your dd cares so much for something outside herself. She knows her friends, and they probably aren't all that concerned about proper etiquette on a card invitation. If she thinks they're fine with it, they probably are. I think it's great that she has friends who would be willing to bless her heart for her birthday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I brought up the idea of not calling it a birthday party, but all of her friends know it is her birthday and have been asking what she will be doing. So, she doesn't feel comfortable trying to fool them. She wouldn't be trying to fool them. She would be giving a save-the-animals party. Why would you imagine that I would suggest trying to fool her friends??? She cannot have a birthday party and tell people to bring something, not even a donation for a worthy cause. Sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 This topic always puzzles me. If a teen tells her friends, who traditionally give gifts to each other, "no gifts please but if you want to you can bring a donation of kitten chow or cat toys"...the teen would be considered rude? I attended a 90th birthday party and was told "no gifts, no cards". I was not insulted nor did I think it rude...should I have? This does truly puzzle me. Eta: auto correct wanted to say "kitten chowder" instead of "kitten chow "...biiiig difference!! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Our family just went to a bday party where items for the animal shelter were suggested. I have no problem with that. We brought Meow Mix and there was a big tub of things people had brought. Some had bows and ribbons on to make them festive. It was really nice! I think if your DD wants to, why not? The only time I would object is if a parent were forcing this on the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flowing Brook Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I would not feel comfortable doing that for a birthday party. If she gets a lot of stuff for her birthday she does not want then maybe she can donate it some where for needy children. One idea for her is she can year round tell people about her volunteer work and how they lack supplies. She can inform people on the needs of the shelter. I am sure if people knew they would donate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I think we've decided to hold her party on Valentine's Day, and in honor of that she will ask her friends to bring a donation for something near and dear to her heart (the animal shelter). Everything will be more Valentine's Day themed than birthday themed so no one should get upset. Hopefully, this will work and she will be happy. She seems to be really excited about the idea. Any ideas the Hive would have would be greatly appreciated! Doing donations as gifts is a pretty popular thing around here......... great idea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 This topic always puzzles me. If a teen tells her friends, who traditionally give gifts to each other, "no gifts please but if you want to you can bring a donation of kitten chow or cat toys"...the teen would be considered rude? I attended a 90th birthday party and was told "no gifts, no cards". I was not insulted nor did I think it rude...should I have? This does truly puzzle me. Eta: auto correct wanted to say "kitten chowder" instead of "kitten chow "...biiiig difference!! :) LOL at "kitten chowder." People mean well when they tell people not to bring gifts, but it is still not polite. Judith Martin discusses this multiple times in her "Miss Manners" books. :-) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Common around here. Polite or not, it's seen as altruistic and caring on the part of the birthday child. You could ask everyone to bring a can of animal food and/or an old towel. You don't have to mention "in lieu of gifts" if you don't want to. For activities, why don't you make some cat toys and stamp hearts on the borders of old towels? You can buy some loose cat nip and cut out some felt hearts, and have the party goers hot glue the hearts together with the cat nip in them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrips Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 We've been to two birthday parties where collections for animal shelters have been done. And included on the invite. I was not in the least offended, nor were my kids. I thought it was a lot better than having to buy toys for kids who probably didn't need anything. I don't remember the wording, but I doubt it was anything special. Perhaps a 'no gifts please. But dd will happily accept any donations such as cat food or old towels for the xyz animal shelter.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Camelfeet Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I think if it is near and dear to her heart, that is one thing-- vs people that have you bring gifts, then donate the gifts. That is irritating-- I had to shop and think about the child and wrap it. If worded well, (on the invite) I think it could be classy. Something along the lines of: As you who are close to Jenny know that she really has a heart for the unfortuate animals in our local shelter. She would prefer to not have you shower her with gifts at this time, and perhaps find it in your hearts to buy a gift for her friends instead. This would make her smile every week when she sees her furry friends with a new toy or needed blanket that you donated in her name. I guess I would point out that this would make her happy. If one of my daughter's friends sent out invitations like the one quoted I would be pleased, and if my own daughter wanted something like this I'd be thrilled. I think donations in lieu of gifts is a generous thing to do. My daughter also has a January birthday and one year we did request "No gifts". Another year we had a "book swap party" where we requested no gifts, but that every one bring a couple books that they would like to swap with friends. Instead of goodie bags we gave out a book and bookmark. No one has ever called me rude or refused to attend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 We have done this many times. I always write - No gifts please. If you feel compelled to bring something please consider a donation for xxx. Generally 75%+ of guests bring a donation for the charity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I think it's okay, especially at that age. It would be more difficult to list that in a young child's birthday party invitation because children love to pick out toys to give for a party. But at 14, I think they'd understand, and besides -- they still get to get a gift, but for an animal! If it's very near and dear to her heart, I really think it would be okay. I would try and word it in a way to not make people guilty if they DO want to give her a regular gift, but to list a donation to the pet shelter as an option. If these are her close friends, they would probably understand why this is appropriate for her! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skimomma Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 I say just do it. My dd has had three birthday parties like this and frankly, I really don't care if it offends someone. It is a nice thing to do and makes gift shopping easy. I just don't understand why anyone would care. I normally follow manners rules to the letter but this is one area I think needs serious reform! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Instead of asking them to donate something themselves why not just say gifts are not expected blah blah but if you want please bring something on the list the animal shelter needs. Then she can take the donations in. The shelter is so far out of my way I am never near it so if I had to drop something off it would be left in the trunk for months Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clarkacademy Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Or another idea make her party a shelter party. My party is all about the animal shelter this year etc. Instead of gifts plese bring supplies for the shelter. You could even cook up a doggie cake or something along those lines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farmgirl70 Posted January 24, 2014 Share Posted January 24, 2014 Go ahead with it and enjoy your daughter's lovely character! I think the etiquette here needs reforming. Why should we keep getting gifts we do not need instead of using resources where they are needed? If this is the birthday girl's wish, I don't know why it's objectionable. (And I am a very polite person :001_smile: ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel TX Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 Perhaps a 'no gifts please. But dd will happily accept any donations such as cat food or old towels for the xyz animal shelter.' Love this. It's not traditional, but I assume her friends are caring like she is and will go along with it without issue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted January 25, 2014 Share Posted January 25, 2014 I personally hate the birthday gift cycle, swapping stuff for stuff as we make the annual rounds. I'm thankful we have friends where we have a mutual expectation of no/inexpensive/unique/personal gifts. I'd be glad to have my kids shop for dog food or towels for an animal shelter instead of more toys, or books, or whatever is making the rounds. We don't have a huge disposable income, so it always pains me to spend $$ for if I think they won't be used or appreciated. (There is a huge subtext here about my terrible gift-giving ability and general pickiness about "stuff" in general.) But, I know that we're coming as a bigger family who will enjoy its share of cake, so I feel some pressure to pay a good "entrance fee" with our gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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