WWYD...christian perspective

[jamajo]

My family has been on the outskirts of husband's family for a few years as a result of a dispute between us and another family in the family (6 families from husband's parents).  All the family have tried to remain neutral not picking sides. :glare:

 

However, this year the family we are not in agreement with has decided to host Christmas at thier house :crying:   My inlaws and one other family within the family said is was OK as long as he extended an invitation to us.  He did call and invite us but didn't give us his address.  He said he would call back with that invitation but hasn't.

 

Here is my perspective:  That tactic (which I believe it is) was intentional.  You met the letter of the law but extending the invite but left out the information that we need to get there.  It's important to my inlaws that we come.  I told them what difference does it make that we're there if we know from his heart he really won't be welcoming nor does he really want us there? He's just meeting the requirement they set for having Christmas there.  Would you go & why or why not?

 

 

[Word Nerd]

My first thought is that if the in-laws want you there so much, why haven't any of them given you the address? My second thought is that as long as no one tells you, you have a perfectly good excuse for not attending. That would be my preference, but family dynamics are tricky.

[bettyandbob]

How far away is family. If this doesn't involve travel, I would spend Christmas Eve or the weekend before Christmas with the grandparents. 

 

I would make other plans (visit my family instead) and explain that BIL did invite us, but did not forward his address as he said he would. 

 

I know it would be hard on the grandparents, but you want to experience the joy of the holiday and that's memory and tradition you want your dc to have. Spending the day at the home of someone who doesn't want you will be extremely uncomfortable. 

[GreenKitty]

The leaving out the address was intentional then saying he would call back with it? They obviously don't want you there. Also, as soon as you mention to another relative he didn't give you the address, they will give it to you. Which means you have no excuse not to go. Except that they dont want you there. This is way to much drama, and I personally wouldn't go.

 

Have a get together on your own day. With those you don't see often.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I wouldn't.  We keep our distance from the in laws.  And the last time we were invited and went they had bought every food item my ds is allergic to and had a buffet set up in the main living room for all to touch and share the touching all over the house.  Why they invited us we don't know. But we weren't welcome and even made to feel like it was a set up to just be mean to us.  

 

In your case I would tell your MIL he called but never gave you the address and if she wants you there you need more information.  Let her see the way this person acts.  I wouldn't travel for any invite like this.  If it's local maybe go with the mindset of a short visit.  If you don't go or don't try they will see you as holding the grudge.....no one may ever know the invite lacked the address.  But if I were you, I wouldn't go.  Never worked out for us in the past....

[Annie G]

You have to decide whether you want to be there or not, and don't let the lack of address play into it. You can get the address from your inlaws. But if you don't want to go, just say so and don't go.   

 

Curious- when they called to invite you, did you specifically ask for the address and the response was they'd call you? Or was it not brought up at all? We have a brother who plays games like that and we've learned to call him on it right when he pulls something.  Bringing it up later sounds petty but dealing with him right when things happen is just working better.  Not that this fits in your situation, but the lack of an address may work against you if you let that be the 'reason' you're not going. Inlaws can say they'll give you the address and make it appear that you're being the difficult one. 

 

If it's not a long drive to the house, I might go and enjoy the rest of the family and just kind of ignore or be polite but not warm to the hosts. Sounds as if there will be plenty of other people there.   This is how we are with brother dear. When we're at family events, we're cordial for our parents' sake, but outside of family events, we have no contact. That's how adults behave.  Even if he is a ninny. 

[Ewe Mama]

 

If you do want to go to the family gathering, seek God's help in reestablishing a relationship with the other family. Pray with your dh and have dh pick up the phone and call his sibling (i'm taking a guess that it is one of dh's siblings) to get the necessary details. If that goes poorly, talk with your in-laws and seek some advice from their perspective (if you believe that would be helpful).

 

You can't force them to have a relationship with you. If they are going to hold on to a resentment, you may be better off waiting. Sometimes you just need to walk away and continue to pray for healing to occur at a later time. Just be ready and willing. Perhaps you could arrange another gathering at your home sometime between Christmas and New Years so you would have an opportunity to see the other family members, if you aren't able to attend the Christmas gathering itself.

 

It is a difficult position to be in, especially at this time of year. We are going through a similar strain right now, for the first time ever. I truly do understand. :grouphug:

[Mommyof4ks]

I would get the address from MIL and go if it is local or within a few hours drive. I would not buy plane tickets to go though. By asking MIL for the address it will be clear to her that this child is being childish and your family is trying to make peace to make the holidays memorable for the family. Prior to becoming a Chrisitan I would have stomped my feet and stood my ground against going, but Christ commands us to love others and extend grace, He died for us, so I can make it through Christmas dinner. ;)

[Χά�ων]

I would call in-laws to get the address the day before. I would NOT speak ill of the other party, just mention that they called to extend an invitation but you need the address if you are going to attend. I would not come early and may even come a few minutes late (nothing absurd, just enough to avoid an awkward situation where it is just you and the host family), come in, make small talk, and leave at the earliest opportunity.

 

 

[Chris in VA]

That you don't have the address already speaks to the depth of the rift between you. 

:grouphug:

 

You know, what would happen if you called him and said, I don't have your address, and you haven't sent it.  Do you want me to come, or are you just doing it for Mom (or whomever)?

 

If you are brave enough, putting things into the light and not playing any games, be they Nicey-Nicey or Passive Agressive, can be a way to real peace.

 

I don't know what I'd do. I am estranged from my brother and really don't want to reach out to him, but I did send a FB message to my sil the other day, wishing them a Happy TG and a Happy Hannukah. She did write back, which surprised me. 

 

[extendedforecast]

If there are still lingering hurt feelings or animosity from the original incident, then I would probably not go. If you're over it, but the hosts are still distant, then go and enjoy the company of your whole family, being courteous to the host family. I think it all depends on how well you think you can conduct yourself, as well as how much pain, if there is still any, you're willing to bear. We are in a similar situation with one family in DH's family. Up until this year I would not have been able to bear the pain of being in the same house as them. I still don't know if I could do it this year, but I do know that when I think of them, I feel less hurt than I have in a long time, which tells me that I'm almost there.

[marbel]

Your husband could call his brother (it's his brother, right?) and just ask directly - what's with not giving us your address; would you prefer we not come? 

 

As a pp said, it does speak volumes about your husband's relationship with his family that he doesn't have his address just as a matter of course. 

 

If I was in this situation, I'd tell my husband to deal with it and let me know if we are going or not.  I hate that indirect passive-aggressive communication between feuding siblings - I've seen lots of it with some of my relatives.    

 

I do feel sorry for your MIL who probably just wants to see her family enjoying each other during the holidays.

 

 

[Spryte]

I would not go either.

 

In addition to the above comments, I would think about your kids and the type of memories you want to create for them.  

 

We have the opportunity to spend the holidays with a very distant family each year, and have decided that spending holidays with relative strangers (who are not very friendly) is not the memory we want our kids to have.  

 

Maybe you can invite your in laws over on Christmas Eve, or to do something different.  And come up with a way to make Christmas at your house super special.  It might just be the memory that your kids cherish.  

 

I may be in the minority here, but I don't think the holidays are a great time for healing deep rifts.  It sounds nice, but I haven't seen it happen often - and there are plenty of rifts in my family.  Holidays are a time when people are stressed out, sadly, and not looking past their immediate family's needs.  (I realize that sounds cynical, but in your BIL's case, I think it applies, from his actions already.)

[carriede]

If you guys would like to go, perhaps have DH call and ask for the address. Don't make a big deal about. Play it off and say something like, "We would like to accept your invitation, but we realized we don't have your address. Would you give it to us, please?"

 

Don't try to "catch" them doing anything. Play dumb if you have to. If they still won't give the address to you, then you know for sure it wasn't just a miscommunication/bad time to talk. Continue to play dumb and ask "How are we supposed to join you all if we don't know where you live?" Keep it to the facts.

 

And yes, pray for your and their family's patience and healing for the relationship.

[Guest inoubliable]

Huh? So you were on the phone with this person when they invited you, you accepted the invite and asked for the address, and they said that they'd call you back with that information? They don't know their own address? 
And you're still unsure about whether to go? 

 

:confused1:

 

I'm completely confused. Why does this need a Xtian perspective? 

[gardenmom5]

to those who bring it up to you - ils - especially about how much they want you there, I would say I don't have the address; that he told you he'd send it to you but hasn't.  the guy is playing a very petty game.  (you are not making a judgment with these facts.  they stand for themselves that he looks like a petty fool to anyone remotely objective.)  I don't know if i'd go or not - it really depends upon what is going on in the relationship and you know that far better than I.  there will be many other members of the extended family, and it's not unusual to have members of an extended family that are stressful to be around.  but some do crossover from stressful to outrageous.

 

do you have contact at family events held at other family members homes?  as in - do you both attend at the same time?  (even if you don't speak to each other.)

 

I also don't have a problem of forcing someone who is that petty to eat their words and look like an idiot.

 

eta: the inlaws who want you there did not have to have the event at this other family members home knowing the strained relations. (they could have hosted it themselves) but they did anyway.  maybe they thought they could force everyone to play nice and get along.

[BigMamaBird]

Well . . .  I have a problem with being passive aggressive so this might not be a mature opinion.  But if I knew he was being a twit and purposefully was trying to exclude us, I'd call the MIL, get his address and show up.  I'd be nothing but Little Mary Sunshine the whole party, enjoy myself and if he didn't like it he could just go suck lemons.  Folks like that want a fight so I would go out of my way to be "the jolliest bunch of so-and-sos this side of the nuthouse."

[Anne in CA]

An invite like this does not even meet the  letter of the law. It is silly for a grown person to act like that. If it was important for the in laws to have Christmas with you they should have kept to a neutral location. I would not have a holiday with someone who is clearly playing games already. If your in-laws try to make you feel bad you need to redirect them ever time it gets brought up.

[Χά�ων]

Another thought is that he is attempting to make you seem the problem. He invited you and didn't give his address. If he is questioned about it he will deny it and it will be your word against his and you will look bad.

[Seasider]

Another thought is that he is attempting to make you seem the problem. He invited you and didn't give his address. If he is questioned about it he will deny it and it will be your word against his and you will look bad.

 

The question is, do you care if you look bad?

 

I personally wouldn't take my children to a place where my family is clearly unwelcome. I would pick another day and open my home to those who actually enjoy being with my family (and who don't stress me out with competition, politics, drama, etc).

[Χά�ων]

The question is, do you care if you look bad?

 

I personally wouldn't take my children to a place where my family is clearly unwelcome. I would pick another day and open my home to those who actually enjoy being with my family (and who don't stress me out with competition, politics, drama, etc).

Sounds like a good lesson on how to behave in a hostile situation. The OP's children are old enough to get it. Showing up, making the rounds and departing with grace is something worth learning.

[ChiMomNP]

Holidays should be joyous times. Life is way too short. I would make other plans. I'm sorry for your in-laws, but forcing people who do not like one another to be together on the holidays is a recipe for disaster and heartburn. 

[Seasider]

Sounds like a good lesson on how to behave in a hostile situation. The OP's children are old enough to get it. Showing up, making the rounds and departing with grace is something worth learning.

 

 

Yes, of course you are right, it's a good learning opportunity. I just personally have a low tolerance for people who hold holidays hostage with this kind of behavior, and I think it's also important for kids to learn not to be manipulated by it. Only the OP can determine which lesson she wants her kids to glean from the situation.

[Catwoman]

I wouldn't ruin my family's Christmas by going to the home of a relative I didn't like.

 

I also wouldn't ruin the relative's Christmas by showing up at his house when I knew he didn't want me there.

 

Personally, the whole situation sounds stupid and it's time for your dh to man up and tell his mother that he doesn't want to spend Christmas at the home of someone who doesn't want him there.

 

And the whole "following the letter of the law" thing is a crock.

[Seasider]

How does your husband feel about it?

[trinchick]

Are you sure that the address was deliberately omitted from the invitation? Maybe BIL is (incorrectly) assuming that you have his address?

 

I might call someone to invite them with half of the details to sort of park the date on their calendar and say, "I'll get back to you with the details later once we iron them out." Details in this category might be exact time of the event, if they should bring a side-dish or dessert, if there's going to be a Yankee Swap.

 

When is the party? Are we talking about tomorrow or three weeks from now? If the latter, there's still time for BIL to show his sincerity by getting back to your DH.

 

In general, I love to please my parents and DH's parents. If it was important to my in-laws, I'd likely grit my teeth and go. But that's just me.

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I wouldn't go where I was not wanted.

[Catwoman]

I wouldn't go where I was not wanted.

:iagree:

 

And now that I think about it, I don't understand why the MIL would be so adamant about them going someplace where they weren't wanted.

 

It's Christmas, not just some ordinary day. Why would MIL want the OP, her dh, and her kids to have a lousy Christmas at the home of someone they don't even like?

 

MIL sounds selfish.

[gardenmom5]

And now that I think about it, I don't understand why the MIL would be so adamant about them going someplace where they weren't wanted.

 

It's Christmas, not just some ordinary day. Why would MIL want the OP, her dh, and her kids to have a lousy Christmas at the home of someone they don't even like?

 

MIL sounds selfish.

I don't think selfish is the right word.  probably an older woman who just wants all of her family together for what is a major holiday.  it's painful for a parent when their adult children have such strained relations.  for a mother to have even one child "missing".

[Catwoman]

I don't think selfish is the right word. probably an older woman who just wants all of her family together for what is a major holiday. it's painful for a parent when their adult children have such strained relations. for a mother to have even one child "missing".

I do understand that, but if the OP doesn't even have the address, chances are pretty good that MIL knows that the relationship is very rocky. She may wish the entire family could be together for the holiday, but in this case, I think she should look beyond what she wants to happen, and realize that the OP and her family would be happier at home.

 

Also, are we sure we're talking about the OP's BIL? I know she said it was a relative, but did she update to say it was her dh's brother? (I probably missed it! :blush:)

[trulycrabby]

See if you can google or zabasearch his address, then show up on Christmas day as invited and see his jaw drop. Oops, sorry that's snarky and probably not what you should do.

 

Probably the best thing to do is have a lovely Chriatmas at home and not go, unless you truly think you can attend cordially and without stressing your family.

[bettyandbob]

If MIL wants a family event she should host. Maybe she should have it on the weekend before or after the holiday and visit one family at their home on the holiday (she can alternate places she visits if more than one family invites her).

 

My dh's family had some feuding uncles. So when my MIL or her mother would have an event all brothers would be invited. J would be told K would be coming from 10-12 and then J would come 12:30-2:30. M who wasn't fond of either J or K, but not actually fueding would just show up during the time of which brother he could tolerate at the moment. They all showed up to events. They staggered their visits. It worked out.

 

It is hard for an older person when her dc don't get along, but it is not healthy or fair  of her to force fake happy family scenarios on people and ruin the holiday for others so she can have her outward Kodak moment.

[Catwoman]

See if you can google or zabasearch his address, then show up on Christmas day as invited and see his jaw drop. Oops, sorry that's snarky and probably not what you should do.

.

Yeah, and be sure to bring at least 12 hungry-looking strangers along with you, and say that you knew the relatives would love extra company at Christmas. ;)

[mytwomonkeys]

i'm not sure how troubled the situation at hand is, but i would probably go.  if anything --just to show that my family isn't as petty as theirs.

[Tap]

The invite was given.  IMHO, It is a lame excuse if you let the fact that you don't have the address keep you from attending.  You know how to get the address.  You know how to solve the problem of getting you there.  If you don't go, you are letting him control you and your family.

 

Maybe it was intentional on his part, but be the bigger person and solve the problem. Don't let his petty games bring you down and don't play along.  Get the address on your own (call him, call family or just Google it) and show up.  

 

If you don't want to go and are using the address issue as an excuse....just don't.   Own your decision and own the fallout.  If you don't want to go, Dont go.  But don't blame it on him.  If people ask, just say it honestly and truthfully.....'we are hurt by the discourse between the family and don't want to spend out Christmas with him'.  

 

This could be the first steps to fixing the problem or at least getting to the point that you can stand to be in the same room. If nothing else it could be a good way for the family to see that your are not letting it tear the family apart and create friction between every one else.

 

 

[Catwoman]

Am I the only one who keeps wondering why the thread is titled "WWYD...Christian perspective?"

 

I'm still trying to figure out why the OP felt she needed a Christian perspective on a situation like this. I mean, I know it's Christmas, but the real question seems to be about how to navigate a touchy family situation, and I think that's a universal thing, not just a Christian one.

 

I hope she wasn't looking for the super-nice and all-forgiving kind of Christian responses, because if she was, I really missed the boat. :)

[Ellie]

i'm not sure how troubled the situation at hand is, but i would probably go.  if anything --just to show that my family isn't as petty as theirs.

 

:iagree:

 

And I'd be the most smiling-est person there.

[gardenmom5]

I do understand that, but if the OP doesn't even have the address, chances are pretty good that MIL knows that the relationship is very rocky. She may wish the entire family could be together for the holiday, but in this case, I think she should look beyond what she wants to happen, and realize that the OP and her family would be happier at home.

 

Also, are we sure we're talking about the OP's BIL? I know she said it was a relative, but did she update to say it was her dh's brother? (I probably missed it! :blush:)

OP - 6 families from husband's parents.  re: it's all dh's family from his parents on down.   many other's have made comments referring to bil - and she hasn't corrected anyone to say it was a more removed relationship. 

 

nothing could force me to have contact with my brother after what he did the last time he was at my house. if my mother was still alive, I'd have let her know that too.  though I think her being alive was the only thing that kept him remotely in line.  he was always stressful prior to my mother's death (pretty sure he's NPD), but he was absolutely outrageous after her death.  lawyers were involved, instigated by him. he's persona non grata.  it hurt my mother her children didn't get along, and she had a tender enough heart I was sorry to see her hurt. I tried to have civil relations with my brother for her sake. I have no regrets about that - despite the effluent hitting the fan after her death.

 

the OP knows which is her dh's family.

[gardenmom5]

Yeah, and be sure to bring at least 12 hungry-looking strangers along with you, and say that you knew the relatives would love extra company at Christmas. ;)

no please don't.

 

my nephew did that to me one year when we were still hosting thanksgiving. (sit down for 30 people.)  at least I found out ahead of time and put a stop to it.  (1sil threatened to do thanksgiving herself somewhere else so she could host them.  fine with me. she and her children all came to my house.)  

another year my niece brought two friends (with her mother's permission who claims she didn't understand her dd meant to aunt's house) and it so completely screwed up my head count my son was not called for dinner and missed it - in his own house.  livid doesn't begin to cover it.

[marbel]

Am I the only one who keeps wondering why the thread is titled "WWYD...Christian perspective?"

 

I'm still trying to figure out why the OP felt she needed a Christian perspective on a situation like this. I mean, I know it's Christmas, but the real question seems to be about how to navigate a touchy family situation, and I think that's a universal thing, not just a Christian one.

 

I hope she wasn't looking for the super-nice and all-forgiving kind of Christian responses, because if she was, I really missed the boat. :)

 

Yeah, I'm wondering that too.  I don't think there is anything unChristian about the responses.  Well, maybe except the snarky ones. I was thinking in terms of Romans 12:   If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

 

To me, living peaceably includes not indulging in indirect passive-aggressive communication games (if indeed that is what's going on here) but rather speaking directly (and kindly) to the other family members.   It includes honoring one's parents to the best of their ability.  OP and husband want to honor his parents but the parents might have unreasonable expectations.

 

If all the siblings are Christians, maybe they can pull it together to keep Mom happy during the Christmas season.  (I don't think that is limited to Christians, but professing  Christians do have that extra burden, in the form of a command, kwim?)

 

I don't think being Christian means being super-nice.  It means forgiving, but it doesn't mean hanging out at Christmas with people who hate you.

[Catwoman]

no please don't.

 

my nephew did that to me one year when we were still hosting thanksgiving.   at least I found out ahead of time and put a stop to it. another my niece brought two friends (with her mother's permission) and it so completely screwed up my head count my son was not called for dinner and missed it - in his own house.  livid doesn't begin to cover it.

I would have been livid, too!!! I can't imagine how anyone would ever think it was OK to invite guests to someone else's house! :eek:

[happi duck]

I think it matters what the dispute is...

if it is trivial and silly: get over it and go and who cares if the other person "wins"

if it is criminal and evil: don't play games,be clear with mil etc. Protect your family.

if it is a differing worldview: agree to disagree and go

 

Just my two cents!

[jamajo]

I've been away all day and couldn't wait to get back to read all of your responses.

 

1.  Yes.  It is DH's brother

2.  I've been wondering myself why my MIL & FIL didn't insist upon having it their house - a neutral location.

3.  The rift happened in 2008 and we stayed away from all family events for 2 years.  We just couldn't handle it.

4.  We've done a lot of healing on our own and can now handle it but BIL does sneaky things that no one seems to see.

5.  DH had a candid conversation with his parents about their other son's behavior and they claimed they would keep a closer watch on his behavoir to see what my DH was speaking of.  The were under the impression that he was being nice. :001_huh:

6.  I made it known to two family members today (DH husband's sister who is the oldest and the wife of oldest son) that we do not know the address.  This way they are clear on the "goings on."

7.  The whole family is extremely passive agressive which so isn't my family of origins style so calling BIL and asking directly any question would never due!

8.  My children are old enough to now understand what is going on.  They love and want to see their cousins which is the whole reason we even go to these events but my oldest child (DD 16) said if my parents aren't accepted then I'm not accepted :001_tt1:
 9.  We do feel as though they hold us hostage and have control when we decide not to attend family events. 

10.  The drive is about 3 hours.  We plan only to stay for the day. 

11.  The whole reason for asking for a Christian perspective was to understand the biblical reasons behind your answers.  One responder did just that -  "when it is in your power to do so to live @  peace with all people."  Recently I heard a sermon about Christ giving us the ministry of reconciliation and the ministry has been given to us.  We can not force others to reconcile with us but we can extend an invitation.  By us attending I feel like we are saying "we are willing to reconcile."

I know technically they extended an invitation but it's obvious to all that his hands were tied if he truly wanted to have Christmas at his house.  I believe his wife (my SIL) is truly more open to forgiving and forgetting but he is a little harder to win over. 

 

I can't respond any more until tomorrow so hope this update clears up a lot of confusion.  Thank you guys!

I like the zabasearch idea.

[Word Nerd]

The invite was given.  IMHO, It is a lame excuse if you let the fact that you don't have the address keep you from attending.  You know how to get the address.  You know how to solve the problem of getting you there.  If you don't go, you are letting him control you and your family.

 

 

Obviously, the problem is not really that they don't have an address. The issue is whether the invitation was genuine and they'll be welcome in his home. Not being provided any details about the gathering—especially important ones like where it is—seems like a non-invitation to me.

 

If I were the OP, I'd let DH decide how to handle it because it's his family.

[Mrs Mungo]

I would have been livid, too!!! I can't imagine how anyone would ever think it was OK to invite guests to someone else's house! :eek:

We've often had people show up to holiday meals at our house with people who didn't have another place to go. But, it's part of community's culture.

 

As far as the OP goes, I would let my dh decide what to do and stay out of it as much as humanly possible.

[Little Nyssa]

Well, the holidays are supposed to be joyous and all that, but more than that-- they are supposed to be about kindness and giving.  I would go, because it will make the ILs happy.  That's your gift to them.  Just call back and ask for the address and if there are any other details you need to know, as one PP mentioned above.  

I'm not talking about being a doormat.  I'm talking about doing this of your own free will, from a position of strength.  You could go late, and leave early, or have another invitation elsewhere for dessert, or just come for dessert, or whatever.  You don't have to have any deep conversations, just smile and be pleasant. 

 

 

(Of course I don't know the details of your disagreement.  I'm assuming for the sake of argument that it's nothing life-threatening.)

[Catwoman]

11.  The whole reason for asking for a Christian perspective was to understand the biblical reasons behind your answers.  One responder did just that -  "when it is in your power to do so to live @  peace with all people."  Recently I heard a sermon about Christ giving us the ministry of reconciliation and the ministry has been given to us.  We can not force others to reconcile with us but we can extend an invitation.  By us attending I feel like we are saying "we are willing to reconcile.".

Thanks for the clarification, jamajo! I don't have any biblical reasons for my answers, so I probably shouldn't have posted. :blush:

 

Sorry about that!!!

[MomatHWTK]

I have an issue in my own life right now that I am uncertain how to address Biblically- because I've not been able to forgive.  So, I am going with "In your anger do not sin."  I know that I am still angry and can't be around the person without having bitter and mean thoughts.  So, until I can control those thoughts, I'm staying away from the person. 

 

In your situation, if I could go and act with grace, I would probably try to do so.  If I couldn't pull that off, then I'd stay away so as not to make matters worse. 

[bolt.]

I'd go if I thought I could "make nice" and/or endure whatever little jabs might go on.

 

I wouldn't go if I thought the situation would be toxic for myself or family members.

 

If going, I'd nab the address from another family member, without allowing enough between-time for anything about the address kerfuffle to make gossip rounds.

[jamajo]

oh Catwoman... I welcome your response.  Many times advice is based on right/wrong as defined by judeo-Christian values and can be biblical even if it wasn't intentional. :)

 

I just didn't want advice that was outright vicious or vindictive..that's all.