Gifts you give to your kids, are they theirs to do as they wish?

[GreenKitty]

When you buy (birthday, christmas) gifts for your kids 18 and under, living in your home. Such as, Electronics, clothes, toys, blankets, etc. Would you allow them to sell these items and keep the money, if they no longer wanted it? Even if their are other kids in the house who could use it.

 

Forgot to add example:

Dd has gotten dresses over the years, wants to sell them. I want her little sis wear them.

 

Another child has video games that other kids in the house have been playing for years, now wants to sell them.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Probably not, but it would depend on what they wanted the money for.

 

I would want my kids to be grateful for what they have, not working to figure out how they can get the next best thing. I would also expect them to pass something on and share with others in the family--just as I would share things with them, or pass things along that I no longer use. 

 

There may very well be exceptions--if they wanted to raise money for (what I consider) a good cause and were willing to work to raise money in conjunction with selling things off.

[T'smom]

Hmm, good question. My kids are little, so when they get toys they quickly end up in the communal play area. Like, they both might get toy cars, but eventually, they end up in a bin marked 'cars' and not as someone's personal property. Obviously, this will change as they get older, but I'm not sure exactly how! I would think video games would kindof work the same way. I think in your situation, I would purchase it from the child and give the dress/game to the other child.

[SKL]

Nope, I would expect my kids to check with me first.

[QueenCat]

Cheaper toys generally got played with together or passed down. As they've gotten older, I have not made "no selling" requirements but the only thing anyone really sells are video games or books to the used book store (in exchange for credit).

[Starr]

How are they going to go about selling these things? Do you have to be involved? 

[gardenmom5]

a gift is a gift.  if you are concerned they are just going to convert a gift into cash - you are under no obligation to give a gift.  sensitive area for me as my NPD grandmother had giant honking chains attached to every gift she ever gave.  even my mother would give a gift and felt entitled to come back a few years later and ask for the item back.  (because someone else needed it more. . . . .or whatever reason )

 

what you are suggesting are strings attached after the fact to items you gave allowing them the assumption the item *was theirs*.  if they put them to their intended use and *they* no longer need them for their intended use, but they can get something for them, allow them the lesson in frugality by selling an item.  when they're adults - they'll earn some extra bucks by holding garage sales.

 

if you want other children to continue to be able to use the items, then make good with those older children by purchasing the item from them. 

[GreenKitty]

Probably not, but it would depend on what they wanted the money for.

 

I would want my kids to be grateful for what they have, not working to figure out how they can get the next best thing. I would also expect them to pass something on and share with others in the family--just as I would share things with them, or pass things along that I no longer use.

 

There may very well be exceptions--if they wanted to raise money for (what I consider) a good cause and were willing to work to raise money in conjunction with selling things off.

I really like this post. Especially the middle paragraph. Something I tried to say but couldn't quite get across. I'd like them to appreciate what they have and give to others as they have been given to.

 

As far as answering other posts: I would be posting items on eBay for them. No, I do NOT attach strings to gifts. I hand things down to my kids all the time without expecting them to pay for it. They only want to buy more stuff. They are not raising money for a good cause.

[Ripley]

I'd rather my kid find a way to source his own "wants" than to bug me to buy them for him. So for the most part I'd be fine with him selling off gifts he had received. I might want first right of refusal, but I'd also be willing to pay or negotiate the asking price to make it a win-win.

 

In my case it hasn't always been wanting the next great, big thing; it's been about prioritizing. The wii games aren't being played with, why not sell them to buy computer parts - since he uses and prefers playing on the computer? I consider it resourceful when my daughter sells her read-and-done books to fund the purchase of new ones. If it's a book I want to keep I either don't offer it as a gift (semantics, really, I let them know it's mine but for them to read) or I offer to buy/trade for it so she can buy new books and I can still keep it.

[Starr]

If you are posting, communicating, packaging, going to the post office etc then they aren't selling them, you are. So unless a lot of money could be recouped I wouldn't bother.

[JustEm]

I really like this post. Especially the middle paragraph. Something I tried to say but couldn't quite get across. I'd like them to appreciate what they have and give to others as they have been given to.

 

As far as answering other posts: I would be posting items on eBay for them. No, I do NOT attach strings to gifts. I hand things down to my kids all the time without expecting them to pay for it. They only want to buy more stuff. They are not raising money for a good cause.

 

 

If you are selling the item on eBay then you are selling it not them.  I would suggest that they be allowed to do that work themselves if they want the money.

 

 If you are not allowing your children to sell a gift you gave them that they no longer want you are attaching strings to the gifts. You making them hand the gift down to someone else rather than selling it means it was never theirs to begin with. If that is the case then just let them know that all things in your house are yours and you have final say on what happens to them, even if they received it as a gift.  That is the rule in my house and will be until my children are old enough to purchase their own things.

 

As a child I did this quite often.  I actually used to sell my stuff to my siblings, friends, cousins, and sometime strangers online. I started doing that at the age of 12.  Now at 27, I make a great deal of money selling things on Amazon and eBay. Having to handle those types of responsibilities taught me a lot at a young age.

[poppy]

I don't consider clothes I buy for my kids "gifts" to them. Or is the dress you're talking about some kind of special birthday/Christmas/whatever present?

[JustEm]

I don't consider clothes I buy for my kids "gifts" to them. Or is the dress you're talking about some kind of special birthday/Christmas/whatever present?

I agree, unless it was actually wrapped up as a gift. Clothes that were not given as gifts are handed down.

 

As for the video game.  I would encourage your other children to buy it from their sibling or part with it.  If they don't have money to pay for it they could try to barter by doing that child's chores

[bolt.]

Our "gifts" are shortly considered communal property -- unless there is a really good logical reason not to do so. No one child would retain the right to sell an item just because it originally entered the household as a gift 'to' him/her. In future, if the issue arrises, I might consider some kind of monetary compensation for an older child growing out of something that still had some residual value (that I was getting use out of for younger kids) -- but it would have to be a strong case, and it would probably impact my view on how much access that child would continue to have to communal property bought for or by other household members.

 

Ordinary clothing (that didn't arrive wrapped in gift paper) would definitely be out of the question.

[Jackie]

I grew up in a large family in the days before ebay. Most Christmas gifts were specifically to be shared, but the individual things were OURS. Heck, I asked mom for the Legos that she still had around so that DD can play with them and she turned me down because they had been given as a gift to my brother (20+ years ago!) and they were therefore set aside for when he had a child old enough for them. We were allowed to do anything we wanted with the things that were our own; I recall trading possessions with friends on a few occasions. I appreciated this as I had fairly few possessions that were "just mine" until I started working and bought my own things. As an adult, I discuss with my preschooler that when she wants new things, sometimes the way to accomplish that is to sell possessions she is done with due to both money and space constraints.

 

I do get the points that others are making, but if the possessions were meant to belong to a single individual then I believe it is up to that individual what to do with it. My daughter, however, is young and an only child, so full disclaimer is that I'm not in your shoes!

[Night Elf]

Actually, yes. I feel the same way about gifts given to me. I certainly haven't kept everything I've ever been given. I don't expect my kids will either. As for the video games, that's kind of hard because they were shared games. Even if a sibling bought one, the original owner would still have access to play it. So if he/she can't sell it, what purpose is there to own it?

[Tap]

In our house, a gift is a gift and they can do what they want with it.....but they have to offer it to me first. If it is getting thrown away, I get a chance to claim it.  If they are going to sell it, I get first chance to buy it and give it to the other kids. 

 

 

[katilac]

Yes, they are free to do as they wish with gifts - if they are not, then it was not truly a gift. 

 

I encourage generosity and sharing, of course, but it's not greedy or selfish to want to sell one of your possessions instead of giving it away.  If it seems wrong to you for a child to sell a gift they no longer use, think about yourself or another adult. Do you think it would always be wrong of you to sell a gift you no longer use?  Is it okay if no one in the family wants it? 

 

Video games: if they've been playing it for years, I can't imagine it's worth much money? Or that anyone can remember who the heck originally owned it. If it's a newer game or a collectible, give the siblings a chance to buy it if they want it. 

 

Clothes: I don't think I've ever given my kids clothing with any resale value, lol, but if I wrapped it and gave it to them, it would be theirs and they could sell it. It wouldn't occur to them that THEY should be able to sell the clothes we buy for them as a matter of course, but if it did, I would gently correct that assumption. 

 

In my household, the best example of a gift they could sell for meaningful money would be dd's American Girl dolls, and yes, I would allow it. If a younger sib wanted it, they could choose to buy it or ask for it as a gift. And I would pay the first dd for it, why not? After all, if my kid wanted an item their sib didn't want to get rid of, or didn't have to begin with, I would be buying it for them. If the sib doesn't want to pay for it or get it as a gift, then they really didn't want it very much, did they? 

 

Some families have the rule that all toys and gifts are community property, and that's fine if everyone is aware and has that expectation. What you shouldn't do, imo, is "mix and match" - give an item as a personal gift, while expecting to retain control of it. 

[katilac]

In our house, a gift is a gift and they can do what they want with it.....but they have to offer it to me first. If it is getting thrown away, I get a chance to claim it.  If they are going to sell it, I get first chance to buy it and give it to the other kids. 

 

So much less wordy than my post, lol, but this is my essential stance. 

[Melissa in Australia]

We don't do Christmas or birthdays, so gifts are rare and have lots of meaning. Each gift to each child is their own personal thing to do with as they choose. There are also communal things that get passed down that were either gifts to the children as a whole or things that were given with the clear understanding that when they were outgrown they get passed down, things like boogie boards come under this category. I have never given clothing as a gift

[MomOfOneFunOne]

AMDG

This is interesting. I'm am only child and my child is an only child. I have zero experience with this and find it a very compelling question.

[Joyofsixreboot]

Cost would be an issue. Ex games yes, the X-box no.

[marbel]

I don't consider clothes I buy for my kids "gifts" to them. Or is the dress you're talking about some kind of special birthday/Christmas/whatever present?

 

OP said gifts, such as Christmas or birthday.

 

I sometimes give my daughter special clothing as a gift.  So sure, a dress can be a gift.

 

It's an interesting question.  The closest I came was when my son wanted to trade a bunch of xbox games my brother had given both my kids.   I made him trade for something his sister would play with too (he wanted something else).   They were hand-me--downs but still a gift.

[Heather in Neverland]

Our "gifts" are shortly considered communal property -- unless there is a really good logical reason not to do so. No one child would retain the right to sell an item just because it originally entered the household as a gift 'to' him/her. In future, if the issue arrises, I might consider some kind of monetary compensation for an older child growing out of something that still had some residual value (that I was getting use out of for younger kids) -- but it would have to be a strong case, and it would probably impact my view on how much access that child would continue to have to communal property bought for or by other household members.

 

Ordinary clothing (that didn't arrive wrapped in gift paper) would definitely be out of the question.

I agree. It's never come up in our house. Everything is used up or passed down. For instance, my oldest ds had a computer we gave him as a gift several years ago. It was getting old and he wanted a new one. So we got him a new one for his birthday. He then gave his old one to his little brother. It would never even occur to him to sell it rather than give it to his brother.

 

I guess maybe if they both had a computer and neither needed it, he could sell it and keep the money. But we would bless a sibling or a close friend who needed it first before trying to make money off of it. It's not a rule or a requirement in our family... Just something that sort of happens naturally.

[J-rap]

It all depends.  If I got them something that was not a gift, but I just bought it for them -- such as a new Christmas dress or whatever -- then it would certainly be passed down to siblings.  If it was a dress I actually gave them as a present -- like a birthday present, and they really wanted to sell it to make extra money toward something else, then I or their younger sibling might "buy" it from them for a few dollars -- or whatever they might make from it at a consignment store.  That seems fair to me.

[Wheres Toto]

I'm finding this an interesting conversation.  We sort of had this come up but it didn't lead to any problems. 

 

My oldest has passed down clothes, special dresses, American Girl dolls, Barbie dolls, large doll items (furniture and accessories), books, trophies and all kinds of other things to her younger siblings.  Mostly her younger sister but a few items to her brother.  Most of the items were things packed up in our garage since she long ago outgrew them.  

 

We were cleaning out our garage in preparation for a garage sale last year and she was going to receive the money from any of her items that were sold (lots of dance costumes, purses, clothes, jewelry).  She had no problem with having some items put aside to give to her sister instead of making money from them.  I'm not sure how I would have felt if she insisted on selling them instead of passing them down.  

 

I understand the idea that they were her items (she didn't have siblings at the time she most frequently used them so there really was no question about them being communal), but emotionally I want her to think about what would make her siblings happy rather than how much money she can make.  

 

I do make sure her younger siblings respect her property, especially since she shares a room with her sister now (since she lives on campus most of the year).  Maybe if she frequently had to earn money for the things she wanted (she's always gotten most big things she wants as gifts plus now she works) I'd feel differently.   I don't know. 

 

My younger two almost everything is communal.  There are a few things - the above mentioned American Girl dolls and furniture are probably the main thing.  They know we sold some of their old toys at the garage sale but they've never come up with the idea of selling off some toys in order to buy new ones.  I'm not sure how I'll handle it if/when it does. 

 

Well, I guess my answer to the original question is....I don't know.  :huh:

 

 

[bolt.]

We also have a couple of "hand me down" chains that send our outgrown items (toys, clothes) freely to another set of children. I'd be bugged if my kids became so mercantile that they'd rather sell something for cash instead of following through with our normal pass-down.

 

My kids live in the economic class where everything they need for life and fun comes to them easily. They have every reason to believe life will continue that way. Therefore I expect them to easily release unwanted belongings into the hands of other people -- just to be nice.

 

The urge to sell things instead would have me re-thinking the general ideas about money flow in our family (perhaps I might be out of touch regarding teen expenses) or our general level of materialism.

[ThisIsTheDay]

 

think about yourself or another adult. Do you think it would always be wrong of you to sell a gift you no longer use?it. 

-------------

 

 

 

But that's the thing.  My kid is not me or another adult.  There are plenty of things I would do with my kid that don't apply to me or that I wouldn't impress upon another adult!  ("You need to take a shower!"  "Empty the dishwasher NOW, please!"  "DON'T touch the walls!"  "It's time for you to go to bed,"  "Did you do your work today?"  lol)

 

While they are here and within a reasonable age, it's my responsibility to teach them to do what I believe is right and fits in with our family values.  (Please do not misunderstand--I am in no way saying that someone is lacking "family values" if they do differently! :) )  I know that my kids, by nature, can be self-centered, and I want them to be able to stop, think something through, and think of the wants/needs of someone else.

 

It doesn't apply across the board, but my response was in context with the OP (which didn't include an example), that someone in the house might be able to use it.

[Wheres Toto]

Well, from the -what about stuff of mine as an adult - perspective.  I've given jewelry and quite a few clothes (from when I was a lot thinner) I no longer wear to my oldest.  Some of the things we were planning to sell at the garage sale, my mother asked if she could have them - we didn't charge her.   I have pewter figurines that I used to collect and received many as gifts - the kind you see at Renaissance fairs all the time, castles, dragons, unicorns and fairies with crystals or on large hunks of amethyst - I'm giving them to my kids this Christmas.  My oldest has wanted some for a while, my son LOVES dragons and wizards, and my youngest unicorns and fairies.  The love little figures like that so I am passing them along because they will give them pleasure.

 

How would you feel if you passed down a family heirloom item to one of your children and they decided they wanted to sell it?  If it was a gift, is it theirs to do with as they wish?  or is the situation different because it's an heirloom? 

[coffeegal]

It's age related. I maintain total control of the young children's gifts and possessions. Items usually end up being communal toys unless it's an extra special lovey. As the children age, they take greater control of their gifts and possessions. My 10 year has partial control. He can make decisions, but I have final say on what happens. My 16 and 17 year olds have virtually total control unless it's an exceptional situation. I might comment or advise, but they have the final decision.

[coffeegal]

My kids are probably too young for this to be an issue. It has never occurred to either of them to sell something they didn't want. 

 

I'm wondering if finances factor into people's opinions on this. Would it be OK for one kid to sell an item of clothing (let's say, winter boots) to buy a computer game if that meant the other had to go without good boots? I live in a developing country with a lot of poverty. That probably colors my view — I find it hard to understand that someone would believe it's OK for a kid to sell an item someone else in the household actually needs. Now if the item isn't needed or wanted by someone else in the family, that's a different matter and I think selling would be acceptable. 

 

No, but it's also never come up as an issue. The kids will get rid of books or toys, but clothing is handed down or exchanged.

[Joanne]

If the dresses were gifts, my dd would be allowed to sell them. She'd likely choose Plato's closet and buy some fashionable clothes for herself.

 

Other gifts are to be respected as property but the decision making about them is with the recipient, not Mom.

[lovinmomma]

My kids are probably too young for this to be an issue. It has never occurred to either of them to sell something they didn't want. 

 

I'm wondering if finances factor into people's opinions on this. Would it be OK for one kid to sell an item of clothing (let's say, winter boots) to buy a computer game if that meant the other had to go without good boots? I live in a developing country with a lot of poverty. That probably colors my view — I find it hard to understand that someone would believe it's OK for a kid to sell an item someone else in the household actually needs. Now if the item isn't needed or wanted by someone else in the family, that's a different matter and I think selling would be acceptable. 

 

I'm thinking so, too. If my kids get presents from me at holidays it's going to be clothing. I have 4 children and when they grow out of those clothes you bet your booty they are going to another sibling or going to Once Upon a Child to buy clothing needed in our household. BUT, again, the financial situation of our household is different from others. I recently had to send my youngest to church in a pair of pants that was unbottoned because she apparently had a growth spurt overnight and suddenly none (and I mean none) of her pants fit. Gah! Now, had my oldest said "you gave me those jeans and I'm going to sell them" when I told her that she was going to have to pass down some of her jeans to her little sister I would have laughed. Not rudely, but just out of pure shock. We really share everything in our home, though, so that thought wouldn't have crossed her mind.