Pulling my hair out over ds9 night wetting

[Ewe Mama]

Simon is still wetting almost every night. His bio brother, Theodore finally consistently stayed dry at night about 6 months ago, so I figured there might be a hereditary thing going on. Our system for dealing with wet sheets/clothing is that he has a mattress protector (rubber) with a fitted sheet over top. He has a washable waterproof pad on top of that and then an unzipped sleeping bag for his cover. He is to bring up any wet items first thing in the morning and put them directly into the washer and I start it up for him. Nothing is ever said when he has accidents, except to offer him some encouragement and that he will outgrow it.

 

Here is the problem I am having. He is usually good about bringing things to the laundry room, however not always. I will ask him after going past the boys' room if he has brought up his things, because I can smell that wet bedding odor. He will look at me and tell me he has. I don't say anything more because I figure maybe he brought them up when I wasn't looking and it's a lingering odor because he hasn't cleaned off the rubber sheet yet.

 

After checking the laundry and going into the boys' room, I will find his wet things hidden under the bed.

 

What do I do? The child is lying to my face about this, but I don't want it to turn into punishment for bed wetting. He is always told that he doesn't get punished for wetting the bed, but he will be reprimanded for being deceitful or lazy.

 

I need some wisdom because I know we need to tread very lightly, but I don't want him to think he can get away with lying to me. He shares the room with his brothers and hiding wet laundry makes the room really stinky, which is nasty and unfair to the rest of the family. I think he is ashamed and is hiding the sheets because he wants to avoid dealing with the fact that he does have this difficulty right now. He sees all of his siblings staying dry and he wants to be like them.

 

How do I handle this without making things worse?

[PeachyDoodle]

The best advice I can give is don't give him an opportunity to lie to you. If you ask him a question to which you already know the answer ("Did you bring your sheets to the laundry?") you are giving him a chance to lie. Don't.

 

I would check his room every day. If the wet things are still there when they shouldn't be, simply gather them up and launder them yourself. Then impose a consequence for his failing to do what he was told. "You did not bring your laundry to the washer as I asked. Therefore, no playing outside this afternoon" (or whatever).

 

I agree with you that he's probably embarassed about wetting, but IMHO, the best way around this is to "ignore" the fact that it's a bedwetting issue. It's not. It's a failure-to-obey issue. Focus on the fact that he's not bringing laundry to the washer, not the fact that the laundry is wet because he had an accident, KWIM?

 

I think bedwetting is not an uncommon problem (from what I've read), especially in boys, and it will probably get better soon. Hang in there! :grouphug:

[scholastica]

Is he wearing GoodNites or Underjams?  Those are the best if he is still wetting consistently.  You'll have a lot less laundry. Also, make sure he is urinating during the day, not saving it all up for the night.  It will eventually pass.  You're right that it's genetic.  We had an extended family member that was 11 before he stopped.  Good luck!

 

scholastica

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My ds is 9 and wets nightly. He wears diapers/pull-ups and I check his bed for leaking. That's it.

[musicianmom]

Is he willing to use an alarm?

[Starr]

If you notice he hasn't brought you the laundry just tell him you noticed the laundry under the bed and would he please go get it. I'm guessing it has less to do with helping you and more that he wishes he wasn't the one who still can't stay dry at night. 

[Ellie]

What have you done to treat the wetting? Does he drink milk? Some children with a dairy intolerance wet the bed. Strange but true.

 

One of my dds wet the bed at night until she was 5ish. Her doctor finally prescribed Tofranil. She took it every night for 10 nights, then the dosage was cut in half; another 10 nights, the dosage was cut in half again, and then another 10 nights. She never wet the bed again.

[RoughCollie]

A couple of interesting articles:

 

Scientists have even located some of the specific genes that lead to delayed nighttime bladder control. (For the record, they're on chromosome 13, 12, and 8.)

http://children.webmd.com/features/bedwetting-causes

 

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bed-wetting/DS00611/DSECTION=causes

 

Have you had your DS checked by a doctor?  It is rare to have a defect in the urinary system (as the Mayo Clinic article describes it), but since I had one, it's the first thing I think of. 

[kewb]

He is embarrassed that he still wets the bed.  As a pp said, don't give him the opportunity to lie.  Tell him you noticed the sheets and to please bring them to the laundry or do it yourself and give consequences.

 

I also recommend underjams or goodnites.  A lot less laundry for everyone.

[Ewe Mama]

We tried pull-ups in many sizes and brands, but he always leaks through them because they are very ill-fitting. He is very tall and thin for his age. Plus, he doesn't like to use them because he thinks they are for babies. It's an esteem thing, as well.

 

Could the fact that he was a micro-premie have anything to do with his lack of bladder control? He was born at 28 weeks.

 

Simon is a very deep sleeper. We haven't tried an alarm, but I have considered it. In the various books and articles I have read, I have noticed very mixed reviews and reactions to them. What are your thoughts?

 

Quite honestly, the odor of his bedding makes me gag and I will not get it. He is old enough to be responsible for bringing his dirty things into the laundry room and I expect it to be done in a timely fashion. He is aware of this. He has a card on his chore chart that says to bring his dirty things into the laundry room, so do the other children. His does not specify to bring up his bedding because I did not want him to experience embarrassment first thing in the morning for being "different" from the other children. In my mind, if it is smelly and wet, it constitutes "dirty laundry" and should be carried in to the laundry room. This has been conveyed to him, regularly.

 

I am well aware that this is an issue of disobedience, not sleep wetting, so I am trying to keep the two issues very separate in his mind and mine.

[mytwomonkeys]

Is he wearing GoodNites or Underjams?  Those are the best if he is still wetting consistently.  You'll have a lot less laundry. Also, make sure he is urinating during the day, not saving it all up for the night.  It will eventually pass.  You're right that it's genetic.  We had an extended family member that was 11 before he stopped.  Good luck!

 

scholastica

i agree. if this is a daily thing still, i would not want to be washing every.single.day. just get some pull-ups for older kids.

[Ewe Mama]

So many responses! Thank you!

 

We haven't pushed the issue with the doctor, mainly because both Simon and Theodore had the same problem, so we figured it was genetic and they would outgrow it. Theodore has been staying dry consistently for the past six months, but Simon is taking longer. I will have him checked out thoroughly if the consensus is that it could be a medical problem. In spite of his being born at 28 weeks, he has never had any medical problems since he was released from the hospital after birth. As they were both adopted from the same family, we don't know if there is a greater history of bed-wetting in the biological family.

 

Sorry about my choppy responses, but I'm answering while doing school with the kiddos.

[Jane Elliot]

You need the book Getting to Dry - $14 on Amazon. It does work. No gimmicks. It's the book dh (family practice MD) recommends to patients.

 

 

 

 

[Jane Elliot]

So many responses! Thank you!

 

We haven't pushed the issue with the doctor, mainly because both Simon and Theodore had the same problem, so we figured it was genetic and they would outgrow it. Theodore has been staying dry consistently for the past six months, but Simon is taking longer. I will have him checked out thoroughly if the consensus is that it could be a medical problem. In spite of his being born at 28 weeks, he has never had any medical problems since he was released from the hospital after birth. As they were both adopted from the same family, we don't know if there is a greater history of bed-wetting in the biological family.

 

Sorry about my choppy responses, but I'm answering while doing school with the kiddos.

 

:-) I'm usually answering with 3 kids hanging on me, so I'm always sympathetic to choppy responses. (And yours aren't unusually choppy.)

 

Just wanted to add after I saw this post that they are past the age for waiting for them to grow out of it. I couldn't get my links to work, but get the book I posted above. Go to their website, too. www.tryfordry.com

[dirty ethel rackham]

If you notice he hasn't brought you the laundry just tell him you noticed the laundry under the bed and would he please go get it. I'm guessing it has less to do with helping you and more that he wishes he wasn't the one who still can't stay dry at night. 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: I was a bedwetter and I was the same way.  No amount of punishment could take away the fact that I was ashamed and would do my best to not have to admit that I had this problem. Here I am - a 50 yo woman who started to feel anxiety when reading your post. 

 

No matter how much you try to make this not about bed-wetting, it is about bed-wetting.  He is ashamed that he is not dry and will do anything to not have to face it.  It may not make sense to you, but it is about denial; it is about shame. Don't make it about lying.  Don't make it about obedience.  Punishment for not taking care of the laundry issue is not going to take away his shame.  He needs help being responsible about it so make it part of your routine to help him handle it.  Don't give him an opportunity to lie.  Don't give him an opportunity to not follow through.  In the meantime, I would have him wear goodnights or something like that to reduce the laundry issue and work on healthy habits to minimize the wetting at night. 

[Ewe Mama]

:-) I'm usually answering with 3 kids hanging on me, so I'm always sympathetic to choppy responses. (And yours aren't unusually choppy.)

 

Just wanted to add after I saw this post that they are past the age for waiting for them to grow out of it. I couldn't get my links to work, but get the book I posted above. Go to their website, too. www.tryfordry.com

Thanks, Luann!

 

I just ordered the book on Amazon. Thank you for your recommendation.

[Tess in the Burbs]

my ds is almost 12 and still wets almost every single night.  even the medicine they gave for camp doesn't always work.  We have opted not to use the antidepressant mentioned above.  This kid doesn't need anything messing with his brain chemistry.  He's quirky enough. 

 

He used to hide it.  But we have assured him he's a good kid, a smart kid, and he just needs more time than others to outgrow this.  We did the alarm for 2 years.  We woke him up for months.  I'm a the point that no Dr is willing to help unless he's medicated.  And we just aren't ok with that.  

 

We do have the nose spray for trips and will buy pull ups for trips, but even then, I take the waterproof pads and we get a timeshare with laundry.  

 

Since the dr's all feel it will go away in time, we are being patient.  He is a deep sleeper.  We do all the things the Drs tell us to do to prevent it.  And he has those random dry nights.  When he asks for the nose spray I indulge....I mean who wants to do laundry daily?  But he can't do it all the time.  And he knows that. 

 

But yes, we had to have a serious talk about doing the laundry.  And I do go check some days when I don't think he remembered. your kid is 9 right?  Go behind and check.  Yes it smells.  But it's what we mom's do.  

[amo_mea_filiis.]

The pull ups are probably bad fitting if you're just going by what's in regular stores. Boys tend to pee out the top of the low-cut pull-ups. Try some medical pull-ups. Tranquility is an awesome pull-up. You can get him pull-ups, boxers, and t-shirts for night wear. The proper fitting pull-up WILL come above the boxers, but the shirt will cover it.

 

My son goes between pull-ups and diapers depending on how often he's been leaking. His stuff is covered through his insurance so we don't have access to the tranquility products.

 

You can also call different companies and request samples.

 

If you find and use the right product, you'll eliminate the need to constantly wash the bedding. This will allow his bed to stay dry and all he has to deal with is the pull-up.

[musicianmom]

Sent you a PM.

[wapiti]

My ds (who has a long medical history that includes voiding dysfunction and chronic constipation secondary to a previously tethered spinal cord as well as kidney surgery as an infant) has an occasional problem with nighttime wetting.  Supplementing with magnesium citrate, and more recently B8 as well, helps him tremendously.  I don't know what the mechanism is, but I read about the magnesium angle here on this board.  When he doesn't have the magnesium, he will wet the bed nightly.  For a while the magnesium wasn't enough; I just happened to add a tiny amount of the vitamin B8 (inositol) for unrelated reasons and poof, it works like magic.  The right dose is a bit of a guess.

 

Milk at bedtime is a recipe for wetting in our house, not just for him but for his brothers as well.

 

I prefer to use a flat crib mattress pad under the sheet - less to wash than a twin-size fitted mattress pad.

[Jann in TX]

Check with your insurance-- ours will cover this with a Dr's prescription (note).

Get the ADULT ones-- not the little kid ones (look at medical supply places)

 

My DH had this issue until he was 16 yrs old.  His family spent $$$$$ and sent him to couseling... finally a Dr told them it was just the way DH was 'wired' and that MOST boys grow out of it before they go to college... eventually it stopped.

 

 

[Ewe Mama]

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: I was a bedwetter and I was the same way. No amount of punishment could take away the fact that I was ashamed and would do my best to not have to admit that I had this problem. Here I am - a 50 yo woman who started to feel anxiety when reading your post.

 

No matter how much you try to make this not about bed-wetting, it is about bed-wetting. He is ashamed that he is not dry and will do anything to not have to face it. It may not make sense to you, but it is about denial; it is about shame. Don't make it about lying. Don't make it about obedience. Punishment for not taking care of the laundry issue is not going to take away his shame. He needs help being responsible about it so make it part of your routine to help him handle it. Don't give him an opportunity to lie. Don't give him an opportunity to not follow through. In the meantime, I would have him wear goodnights or something like that to reduce the laundry issue and work on healthy habits to minimize the wetting at night.

Thank you for this. I feel for you and I feel for my son. I don't want to punish for disobedience because I know he is embarrassed by it. We have had a hundred good conversations about taking responsibility for things even though we don't want to, and being proud of our accomplishments, even if that accomplishment is bringing up wet laundry.

 

I totally get what you are saying and I empathize with you. My issue lies in the fact that I am very sensitive to smells and that odor in particular makes me want to vomit. I am much more likely to lose my maternal wherewithal when I have to gather up the laundry because I need him to do it for both of us. I will lose it and say something negative to him if I have to do it. I have explained this to him and demonstrated on occasion, so he knows it is true. It is for his own good that he handles it and accomplishes this task because I do not want to make it worse.

[Angie in VA]

Magnesium solved this in our home.

 

Recently I posted about magnesium on a similar thread here and learned that constipation and bedwetting have a correlation, and that magnesium can help w/ constipation. I just know it worked for us, and quickly!

 

Angie

who knows it is illegal to practice medicine w/o license and who, therefore, is merely stating what worked for her dc, and who, also, knows no smart mama here would blindly follow any kind of advice, but would fully research matters for herself (including any correlation b/t constipation and bedwetting, benefits of magnesium, contraindications of magnesium, magnesium-rich foods to include in one's diet, foods that block magnesium absorption, etc.)

 

 

[wapiti]

My issue lies in the fact that I am very sensitive to smells and that odor in particular makes me want to vomit. I am much more likely to lose my maternal wherewithal when I have to gather up the laundry because I need him to do it for both of us. I will lose it and say something negative to him if I have to do it. I have explained this to him and demonstrated on occasion, so he knows it is true. It is for his own good that he handles it and accomplishes this task because I do not want to make it worse.

 

This part is a little concerning.  This is *your* issue.  While there's nothing wrong with assigning him the responsibility of bringing the laundry (accepting that it might involve gentle reminders from you sometimes), IMO it would be wrong to assign him the responsibility of preventing you from losing your self-control.

[Ewe Mama]

My ds (who has a long medical history that includes voiding dysfunction and chronic constipation secondary to a previously tethered spinal cord as well as kidney surgery as an infant) has an occasional problem with nighttime wetting. Supplementing with magnesium citrate, and more recently B8 as well, helps him tremendously. I don't know what the mechanism is, but I read about the magnesium angle here on this board. When he doesn't have the magnesium, he will wet the bed nightly. For a while the magnesium wasn't enough; I just happened to add a tiny amount of the vitamin B8 (inositol) for unrelated reasons and poof, it works like magic. The right dose is a bit of a guess.

 

Milk at bedtime is a recipe for wetting in our house, not just for him but for his brothers as well.

 

I prefer to use a flat crib mattress pad under the sheet - less to wash than a twin-size fitted mattress pad.

Simon loathes milk and dairy in general, so this isn't a problem.

 

I will look into magnesium and B6. Thank you for the information.

[wendy not in HI]

This morning I had a small moment of joy, when I realized that I wasn't worried about washing sheets!   After 12 YEARS of bedwetting, my dd is consistently staying dry.  We have a family history of late bedwetting.  For other kids, waking them up in the middle of the night did the trick, but not for this kid.  I could wake her up at 10pm and 12pm and 2am and she would be totally soaked each time.  

 

She also hid wet things.  I think sometimes she didn't even realize it - like she woke up wet, changed clothes, and thought she was  dry in the morning...  And though I really tried my best to not punish her about it, there is nothing more frustrating than stinky wet clothes hidden under a bed for a few days...  But how embarrassing for her - to go to summer camp with pullups is no kids idea of fun.  Poor girl!  I wish we had found a solution when she was 9.

 

What worked for us was treating for constipation.  She doesn't seem to be constipated, but after reading a few articles linking constipation to bed wetting, that mom's posted here on the WTM boards, I decided that it wouldn't hurt to try.  Helping her to become more "regular" absolutely changed her life.  She took miraLax every day.  She didn't like it, but she could see that on the days she skipped taking it, she would be wet.  On the days she took it, she would be dry.  We used Miralax for about 8 months.  As she became more consistently dry, we switched to gummy fibers.  And now, I barely even think about it!  Yay for dry sheets!

 

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2012/03/bed_wetting_the_simple_cause_your_doctor_probably_missed_.html

 

http://children.webmd.com/news/20120130/study-constipation-may-cause-bedwetting

 

 

[GoVanGogh]

You mentioned he was premature. I would have him checked for retained primitive reflexes. If they are not fully integrated, they can cause a variety of issues, including bedwetting. In my experience with cerebral palsy, pediatricians don't check for these beyond the baby stage. They just assume they are integrated.

 

http://www.thelearningclinic.ie/index.php/programs/movement-therapy/reflexes/

[Ewe Mama]

This part is a little concerning. This is *your* issue. While there's nothing wrong with assigning him the responsibility of bringing the laundry (accepting that it might involve gentle reminders from you sometimes), IMO it would be wrong to assign him the responsibility of preventing you from losing your self-control.

I know this is partly my issue. That is why I have given him the responsibility of handling it. We have talked about it. I don't want to add to the problem by saying, "since you didn't do what you were supposed to do, I now how to clean up vomit off the floor. Why didn't you do what you were supposed to do?" I don't want it to reach this point because I do give him reminders. The chore chart is a reminder, and so is my announcement that I am getting ready to start the laundry, so make sure everything is in the laundry room. When he is lying to my face about it and I then smell it when I check his room, he is going to get reprimanded for lying and disobedience.

[Anne]

Given the information you've posted, I would avoid giving him the opportunity to lie to you. If his sheets aren't in the laundry room at the appointed time, tell him to go get them. Then make sure he's done it.

 

I agree with the others that you should avoid any kind of battle or disciplinary action over this - because in the end, no matter what you've discussed or how he's agreed to it, it IS about the wetting and he IS embarrassed.

 

I know this is a pain - but you're a good mom - you can handle this!!

 

Anne

[ElizabethB]

:grouphug:

 

I got one of these masks to help with some chemical odors that caused me problems, it is fairly inexpensive and blocks smell. It would allow you to do the sheets for him on occasion.

 

http://t.homedepot.com/p/3M-Tekk-Protection-Household-Multi-Purpose-Respirator-65021HA1-C/202080143/

 

My daughter was a few months later than my son to be dry through the night, it is tough. Since he was 5 at the time, we had to work really hard to get him to not mention it to her. She is a really deep sleeper, it took a while until she could last through the night.

[Ravin]

I have a foster sister who came to my mom at 15. She often wet the bed and had accidents at school because she has CP. It took a couple of years for her to learn to handle it appropriately and matter of factly, because her bio family had shamed her over it for so long. She would hide wet clothes and sheets, and have accidents at school because she wouldn't wear a pad or speak u p and go often enough, and generated more for herself to be embarrassed about than just dealing would, out of deep-seated shame over something she couldn't control, by not taking appropriate control of what she could.

 

Consistent reminders and repeated mantras of what to do, not punishment, ate the way to go. If he's going to shove stuff under the bed, have him come get it when you find it, remind him soiled stuff needs to go to the laundry room right away, and have him spray the febreeze or whatever to get rid of the smell. Don't harp on it, but don't do it for him. Just correct and move on, with positive direction and no negative words ("you need to take your sheets to the laundry room now" as opposed to "i've told you xyz times not to hide the sheets.")

 

I wouldn't call it laziness, either, there could be way more to it than that.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I wanted to add.....we also tried the magnesium thing.  Helped one night.  Never again.  We also have considered the dairy issue.  Ds had a dairy allergy when younger that he has outgrown.  Since he has a host of other allergies we can't replace milk with any substitutes on the market currently.  If I could, we would go dairy free again, but it's not an option for us.

 

I really want to encourage you as someone who has done everything but the antidepressant, that gentle reminders and encouragement toward your son is the way to go.  I've done the mad thing and it only created more issues.  Once I allowed myself to just be gentle and extra grace toward him about this awful issue did his own attitude about it change.  He hates the situation but, like us, is hopeful he will stop one day and knows I've done all I can to help him. 

[weddell]

This morning I had a small moment of joy, when I realized that I wasn't worried about washing sheets!   After 12 YEARS of bedwetting, my dd is consistently staying dry.  We have a family history of late bedwetting.  For other kids, waking them up in the middle of the night did the trick, but not for this kid.  I could wake her up at 10pm and 12pm and 2am and she would be totally soaked each time.  

 

She also hid wet things.  I think sometimes she didn't even realize it - like she woke up wet, changed clothes, and thought she was  dry in the morning...  And though I really tried my best to not punish her about it, there is nothing more frustrating than stinky wet clothes hidden under a bed for a few days...  But how embarrassing for her - to go to summer camp with pullups is no kids idea of fun.  Poor girl!  I wish we had found a solution when she was 9.

 

What worked for us was treating for constipation.  She doesn't seem to be constipated, but after reading a few articles linking constipation to bed wetting, that mom's posted here on the WTM boards, I decided that it wouldn't hurt to try.  Helping her to become more "regular" absolutely changed her life.  She took miraLax every day.  She didn't like it, but she could see that on the days she skipped taking it, she would be wet.  On the days she took it, she would be dry.  We used Miralax for about 8 months.  As she became more consistently dry, we switched to gummy fibers.  And now, I barely even think about it!  Yay for dry sheets!

 

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2012/03/bed_wetting_the_simple_cause_your_doctor_probably_missed_.html

 

http://children.webmd.com/news/20120130/study-constipation-may-cause-bedwetting

 

 

 

I would definitely recommend the slate article and the book written by the same author (it's linked in the article). It is worth at least trying miralax with other ideas since it is relatively inexpensive and safe.

 

I've read that bed alarms can work, but only if you've solved any underlying conditions (like *hidden* constipation) and only if you use them correctly. It's actually a lot of work for both parents and kids. This book explains it: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1581101562/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i7?pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=179FKQKVH5KPHP4Q8M8J&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=1630083502&pf_rd_i=507846

 

 

[Luanne]

In my house the Goodnights wouldn't be optional.  My daughter wet until she was 8.  She knew certain things just were not negotiable and didn't argue with me regarding these things.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I know this is partly my issue. That is why I have given him the responsibility of handling it. We have talked about it. I don't want to add to the problem by saying, "since you didn't do what you were supposed to do, I now how to clean up vomit off the floor. Why didn't you do what you were supposed to do?" I don't want it to reach this point because I do give him reminders. The chore chart is a reminder, and so is my announcement that I am getting ready to start the laundry, so make sure everything is in the laundry room. When he is lying to my face about it and I then smell it when I check his room, he is going to get reprimanded for lying and disobedience.

Stop giving him the opportunity to lie about it.  Stop treating this as a disobedience issue and treat it as a "healing emotionally from the shame" issue.  The language you use here is still about blame.  The more you blame and shame, the longer it will take for him to get over the hiding.  

 

Instead of a chore chart (as it isn't working for you) stand outside of his room and watch him take care of the laundry.  Hand him the supplies he needs to make the room cleaner and fresh smelling.  Were you this sensitive to dirty diapers?  What did you do then?  The smell is your issue.  You need to find a way to deal with it.  I can sympathize with your frustration - one of my kids had encopresis and that was not pretty.  Many similarities - shame and shame avoidance behaviors.  Take the shame out of it and stop treating it as disobedience.  I realized that I could not put all the responsibility on my son to take care of everything.  I had to supervise. 

 

[MomatHWTK]

Our family has a genetic history for this.  One cousin suffered through his teen years.  We use pull ups and make it a non-issue for the child involved.  That child is responsible for remembering to put on the pull-up and throwing it away later- that's it.  If the child is too big for pull ups, I'd go with an adult product. 

 

You can also purchase disposable mattress pads at medical supply stores (or online).  These tend to slide around though so I quit messing with them.  If the child can be responsible for making sure the pads are in place every night (I would use three so the whole bed is covered) then that might be a more economical choice.  But then you still have a cover sheet to wash.   

[RanchGirl]

Thank you for this. I feel for you and I feel for my son. I don't want to punish for disobedience because I know he is embarrassed by it. We have had a hundred good conversations about taking responsibility for things even though we don't want to, and being proud of our accomplishments, even if that accomplishment is bringing up wet laundry.

 

I totally get what you are saying and I empathize with you. My issue lies in the fact that I am very sensitive to smells and that odor in particular makes me want to vomit. I am much more likely to lose my maternal wherewithal when I have to gather up the laundry because I need him to do it for both of us. I will lose it and say something negative to him if I have to do it. I have explained this to him and demonstrated on occasion, so he knows it is true. It is for his own good that he handles it and accomplishes this task because I do not want to make it worse.

 

for his own good, he should do what you want to avoid making you lose your temper?  You may not realize how much you sound like a child abuser here.  You are the only one responsible for your temper and your words, no matter what. 

 

You refuse to deal with it, and guess what - so does he.  And quite frankly, his reasons are more reasonable and age-appropriate than yours.  Plug your nose and be the grown up.  Pick some other issue for the obedience throw-down.

[Guest submarines]

double post.

[Guest submarines]

If the smell makes you gag, it might make him gag as well. It is not his fault that he wets his bed, and he's not doing it on purpose. I wouldn't insist on my child doing a task that makes him gag. There are too many confounding issues for him as it is--shame, embarrassment, conflicting thoughts, that he's forced to lie to avoid the shame (it could get quite complicated in his head) *and* it is disgusting to clean up.

 

This is what parents are for--to clean up disgusting messes for their children when needed, to spare them shame and embarrassment. 

 

[LizzyBee]

I have a dd who was still wetting at age 8 and she so wanted to be dry.  We finally bought an alarm and within less than a month, she didn't need it any more.  I don't think she's had an accident since then.  It's worth trying!

[Angie in VA]

 treat it as a "healing emotionally from the shame" issue.  The language you use here is still about blame.  The more you blame and shame, the longer it will take for him to get over the hiding.  

 

I'm not saying the OP (or anyone here) is doing anything remotely like this, but when I learned of Michael Landon and how his mother dealt w/ his bedwetting (which lasted into his teens), it scarred me! I never blamed my dc, but it was frustrating dealing w/ the stinky bedding all those mornings. 

 

Again, magnesium changed our lives!

[dirty ethel rackham]

I'm not saying the OP (or anyone here) is doing anything remotely like this, but when I learned of Michael Landon and how his mother dealt w/ his bedwetting (which lasted into his teens), it scarred me! I never blamed my dc, but it was frustrating dealing w/ the stinky bedding all those mornings. 

 

Again, magnesium changed our lives!

 

That is what my doctor told my mom to do.  After that, I got the nickname at school that followed me for 6 years and made my life a living hell.  Yeah, I'm a bit sensitive about this issue. 

 

[Angie in VA]

 Yeah, I'm a bit sensitive about this issue. 

 

 

(((Ethel)))

 

Sensitive? No. Reasonable. Logical. Sympathetic.

 

It still amazes me what was done in the name of medicine (and education w/ left-handed students, for ex.) 

[Ewe Mama]

If the smell makes you gag, it might make him gag as well. It is not his fault that he wets his bed, and he's not doing it on purpose. I wouldn't insist on my child doing a task that makes him gag. There are too many confounding issues for him as it is--shame, embarrassment, conflicting thoughts, that he's forced to lie to avoid the shame (it could get quite complicated in his head) *and* it is disgusting to clean up.

 

This is what parents are for--to clean up disgusting messes for their children when needed, to spare them shame and embarrassment.

DS and I have talked about this. I have asked him if the odor bothers him. He says it does not. I have asked him if it bothered him to bring the bedding to the laundry room. He says he is fine doing it. So, when I ask him why he avoids doing it, he tells me he wants to be doing something else. He would rather be playing or reading, which is a normal response. I would rather be doing just about anything other than cook three times every day.

 

This is what he is telling me. I am not trying to be a meanie or a wimp of a mom. I do what needs to be done. I am trying to teach my children that they need to do unpleasant things sometimes, not just the things that they want to do. If he had told me that the odor bothered him, we would both need to suck it up and do it together. I am not unreasonable. When a person says he can handle a job, I hold him accountable for it. We revisit the topic from time to time, as we do with other chores/jobs, to make sure everything needed is provided, support is there, whatever.

 

He says he can handle it.

 

He doesn't do it.

 

When I remind him, he ignores me or says he did it.

 

I find the dirty laundry and get upset because he is hiding it and has not handled one of his jobs when he said he did.

 

I get that this is a sensitive topic. I'm trying to figure out better ways to help him be accountable for a job he has said he would do.

[dirty ethel rackham]

DS and I have talked about this. I have asked him if the odor bothers him. He says it does not. I have asked him if it bothered him to bring the bedding to the laundry room. He says he is fine doing it. So, when I ask him why he avoids doing it, he tells me he wants to be doing something else. He would rather be playing or reading, which is a normal response. I would rather be doing just about anything other than cook three times every day.

 

This is what he is telling me. I am not trying to be a meanie or a wimp of a mom. I do what needs to be done. I am trying to teach my children that they need to do unpleasant things sometimes, not just the things that they want to do. If he had told me that the odor bothered him, we would both need to suck it up and do it together. I am not unreasonable. When a person says he can handle a job, I hold him accountable for it. We revisit the topic from time to time, as we do with other chores/jobs, to make sure everything needed is provided, support is there, whatever.

 

He says he can handle it.

 

He doesn't do it.

 

When I remind him, he ignores me or says he did it.

 

I find the dirty laundry and get upset because he is hiding it and has not handled one of his jobs when he said he did.

 

I get that this is a sensitive topic. I'm trying to figure out better ways to help him be accountable for a job he has said he would do.

 

He's 9.  Don't expect a man-sized response out of a 9 year old. He is showing you that he doesn't have the maturity to do it.  Instead of asking (and giving him an opportunity to lie, which is avoidance behavior), stand there and watch him do it.  Frustrating?  Yes.  But, when our kids don't have the maturity to deal with something, we step in until they do.

 

[Ewe Mama]

for his own good, he should do what you want to avoid making you lose your temper? You may not realize how much you sound like a child abuser here. You are the only one responsible for your temper and your words, no matter what.

 

You refuse to deal with it, and guess what - so does he. And quite frankly, his reasons are more reasonable and age-appropriate than yours. Plug your nose and be the grown up. Pick some other issue for the obedience throw-down.

I totally agree that I am the only one responsible for my temper and words, no matter what. I certainly am not abusive in any way to my children.

 

I know that this odor is a trigger to my gag reflex. I try to avoid losing my breakfast by having him take care of a job he agreed to do.

 

He is almost 10 years old. At what point is he able to be responsible for his words and actions, or inaction, as the case may be?

 

I am genuinely trying to find reasonable solutions to this problem. I appreciate your concerns.

[KrissiK]

My daughter is only 7 but she's not dry ever. And I agree with Ellen! My daughter is incredibly ashamed and embarrassed. So, we just don't talk about it. She wears Good-nights each night. We have found that to be the simplest and cleanest ways of dealing with the problem. And that is the end of the story. I hope she grows out of it. I have a friend who's kids were all past 10 before they were dry at night. Since dd is adopted, I don't know if it's a genetic thing with her. Very well could be. I just figure we'll wait a few more years and then maybe do some investigating if she still doesn't grow out of it

[Ewe Mama]

I'm not saying the OP (or anyone here) is doing anything remotely like this, but when I learned of Michael Landon and how his mother dealt w/ his bedwetting (which lasted into his teens), it scarred me! I never blamed my dc, but it was frustrating dealing w/ the stinky bedding all those mornings.

 

Again, magnesium changed our lives!

I don't even want to know what she did, so I'm not going to follow the link.

 

Will research the magnesium.

[ElizabethB]

I know that this odor is a trigger to my gag reflex. I try to avoid losing my breakfast by having him take care of a job he agreed to do.

 

 

 

Get the cute-ish pink gas mask, your local hardware store should have one or you can order online.  It totally blocks all smell.  It is uncomfortable to wear for more than an hour, but not bad for short tasks. (Cute for a gas mask.)

[Ewe Mama]

Get the cute-ish pink gas mask, your local hardware store should have one or you can order online. It totally blocks all smell. It is uncomfortable to wear for more than an hour, but not bad for short tasks. (Cute for a gas mask.)

I may have to invest in one of these, just for the fashion factor alone! :)