Pulling my hair out over ds9 night wetting

[Ewe Mama]

Stop giving him the opportunity to lie about it. Stop treating this as a disobedience issue and treat it as a "healing emotionally from the shame" issue. The language you use here is still about blame. The more you blame and shame, the longer it will take for him to get over the hiding.

 

Instead of a chore chart (as it isn't working for you) stand outside of his room and watch him take care of the laundry. Hand him the supplies he needs to make the room cleaner and fresh smelling. Were you this sensitive to dirty diapers? What did you do then? The smell is your issue. You need to find a way to deal with it. I can sympathize with your frustration - one of my kids had encopresis and that was not pretty. Many similarities - shame and shame avoidance behaviors. Take the shame out of it and stop treating it as disobedience. I realized that I could not put all the responsibility on my son to take care of everything. I had to supervise.

When they were infants, the smell was not nearly as strong. I had no problems with it then. It has really only been in the past year or so that I really cannot handle it. I don't know if it is hormonal changes in me, or what. I'm finding other odors are getting to me, too, but nothing compared to this.

 

I am taking your advice to heart, because I certainly don't want this to be a life-long memory trauma for him. I make sure he has the cleaning supplies and bedding available. I will just have to make myself more available every morning, while wearing my new fashionable pink gas mask (when it arrives).

 

Hugs to you and your dc for having to go through this, too.

[RanchGirl]

I totally agree that I am the only one responsible for my temper and words, no matter what. I certainly am not abusive in any way to my children.

 

I know that this odor is a trigger to my gag reflex. I try to avoid losing my breakfast by having him take care of a job he agreed to do.

 

He is almost 10 years old. At what point is he able to be responsible for his words and actions, or inaction, as the case may be?

 

I am genuinely trying to find reasonable solutions to this problem. I appreciate your concerns.

 

I am certainly not accusing you of physically abusing your child, but I am pointing out that the way you said he is responsible for your reaction is the way abusers - physical and emotional - justify their behavior.  If you yell at him and vomit on the floor and make him clean it up -- that's 100% on YOU no matter what he did.

 

Bed wetting is not a character issue.  You are simply not grasping the extent to which a kid cognitively NEEDS to ignore this problem for his mental health.  He's a child and he's mortified and ashamed of something that is beyond his control.  Instead of being a safe harbor for him in this storm, you are giving him this message:  "it's horrible... gross... you're making me vomit... clean up your disgusting sheets yourself you lazy liar"... 

 

If you just pick up the sheets and wash them, the problem will be minimized. There are plenty of other issues you can use as character building opportunities to work on honesty and responsibility.  You need to let this one go and just get the sheets clean!

 

I genuinely think you need to plug your nose and take care of it yourself, because you're the mom and that's what moms do.  use nose plugs (discretely), hold your breath, do it before breakfast, or have your husband do it.  Whatever is necessary.  Just get it done without adding to the emotional trauma the child is already facing.

[Ewe Mama]

vomit on the floor and make him clean it up -

 

If I lose my breakfast, I certainly don't make him clean it up. The boys have an adjoining bathroom, so I can make it in time when necessary.

 

Instead of being a safe harbor for him in this storm, you are giving him this message: "it's horrible... gross... you're making me vomit... clean up your disgusting sheets yourself you lazy liar"...

 

That is exactly how I do not want him to feel.

 

I have read so many different books and articles that I don't know whose advice to take. Some say have the child clean up and take responsibility for their bedding, others say ignore it and take care of everything for the child, others are about medicating.

 

I want to do the right thing for him, but with so many conflicting voices/opinions it is difficult to know what that is. I am very much in favor of teaching responsibility from a young age, but I don't want that to be a hill to die on, if that should not be the case here.

 

Again, I appreciate everyone's insights.

[RanchGirl]

vomit on the floor and make him clean it up -

 

If I lose my breakfast, I certainly don't make him clean it up. The boys have an adjoining bathroom, so I can make it in time when necessary.

 

Instead of being a safe harbor for him in this storm, you are giving him this message: "it's horrible... gross... you're making me vomit... clean up your disgusting sheets yourself you lazy liar"...

 

That is exactly how I do not want him to feel.

 

I have read so many different books and articles that I don't know whose advice to take. Some say have the child clean up and take responsibility for their bedding, others say ignore it and take care of everything for the child, others are about medicating.

 

I want to do the right thing for him, but with so many conflicting voices/opinions it is difficult to know what that is. I am very much in favor of teaching responsibility from a young age, but I don't want that to be a hill to die on, if that should not be the case here.

 

Again, I appreciate everyone's insights.

I must have misread that about him having to clean up your vomit, I apologize.  I appreciate that you are hearing my strong statements without becoming defensive and most of all that you are seeing this is not a hill to die on or a responsibility issue.

 

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to have a bedwetter.  My brother and one of my sons have had this malady.  Like you, I have done as much research as possible and these were the conclusions I came to.  My heart breaks for your son and for mine but believe me, it does get better and they won't be going off to college with this problem.

[Ewe Mama]

I must have misread that about him having to clean up your vomit, I apologize. I appreciate that you are hearing my strong statements without becoming defensive and most of all that you are seeing this is not a hill to die on or a responsibility issue.

 

Believe me, I know how difficult it is to have a bedwetter. My brother and one of my sons have had this malady. Like you, I have done as much research as possible and these were the conclusions I came to. My heart breaks for your son and for mine but believe me, it does get better and they won't be going off to college with this problem.

I could tell that you were speaking from experience because of your passionate responses. Hugs to you and your son. :grouphug:

[ElizabethB]

I may have to invest in one of these, just for the fashion factor alone! :)

Fashionistas would not agree, and you might get nominated for what not to wear!! It is effective, though.

[AK_Mom4]

Hugs, OP!

 

We went thru similiar issues here with a foster boy.  Do try the Tranquility brand disposable underwear - Walgreens carries them and they are truly amazing.  Since he is young, don't give him an option about not using them - the stress relief from not washing sheets every day is worth the cost of the underwear!  The XS size goes down to a 17" waist.

 

We never found any benefit in making the kids "take care of it themselves".  It just pushed him into hiding the clothes and the bedding.  The best thing ever was using the Tranquility underwear underneath his regular ones (so no one could tell) and putting a garbage can with a lid in the bathroom.  He would take them off, put them in the can, close the lid and POOF no smells or embarrassment for anyone.

 

He did grow out of it eventually, but much later than 9yo!

[Susan in TN]

For my ds, we tried the Miralax route as suggested by the Hive - 3 days of 1/2 doses, and that did the trick for about a month. He has recently begun wetting again so i plan to do another 3 days and then continue with a magnesium spray that I use for sleep issues and see if that gives longer lasting results.

 

Ds fortunately does not mind pull-ups, though when he is wet we still need to change the bedding 1/2 the time. We often use washable sleeping bags for quick changes.