Best ideas to get rid of a boyfriend! ;)

[5of5]

I like the idea of putting him to work, if you can pull it off. He might be OK with just hanging out, but if he has to work with (hopefully) no 'pay off', that could be a different story.

[*Michelle*]

Careful with Facebook. He may have you and his mother as acquaintances and can limit what you see. You can check by looking at his friends list. If you can only see mutual friends, you're an acquaintance. If you can see all of his friends, you're a friend.

[QueenCat]

Careful with Facebook. He may have you and his mother as acquaintances and can limit what you see. You can check by looking at his friends list. If you can only see mutual friends, you're an acquaintance. If you can see all of his friends, you're a friend.

 

Not necessarily. You can set it up that everyone can only see your mutual friends with them, not just acquaintances.

[Twinmom]

Yeah, I know FB friending him is not a perfect solution. Just something there to stop and make him think...this woman is gonna get all up in my business! I'm sure if he does friend me back, he'll limit what I can see. I just want him to know I'm looking! ;)

 

Now his momma is another story...she's really nice and talkative and will work with me. I'll be chatting with her frequently, me thinks!

[*Michelle*]

I don't have that option. Where is that setting?

[sparrow]

I have a 13 yo son that doesn't seem interested in forming romantic relationships any time soon,  so I tend to forget how quickly this sort of thing can escalate...especially when teens think someone on the outside is trying to keep them apart. Our region watched that sort of desperation to be together unfold last month when a 13 and 14 yo ran away and were missing for nearly 2 weeks!

 

Missing Michigan Teen Runaways Found Safe in Chicago

 

You're doing the right thing staying up in his business :) .

[jelbe5]

I have a 13 yo son that doesn't seem interested in forming romantic relationships any time soon, so I tend to forget how quickly this sort of thing can escalate...especially when teens think someone on the outside is trying to keep them apart. Our region watched that sort of desperation to be together unfold last month when a 13 and 14 yo ran away and were missing for nearly 2 weeks!

 

Missing Michigan Teen Runaways Found Safe in Chicago

 

You're doing the right thing staying up in his business :) .

The above mentioned runaways were exactly who I was thinking of when I asked if this could be a possibility in the op's case. This was huge news here in the Chicagoland area. So many horrible things could have happened to these young people.

[mathmarm]

Wow, this sounds like a toughy and I can't pretend to fully understand FASD, however here are some things that I can suggest.

 

Getting rid of contact and minimizing the time that they have together.

1--I would cut off the home phone for about a month and say we couldn't afford a phone at this time. (Or that the handset was broken and you couldn't afford a new one right now)

 

2--Getting my beloved daughter so busy and so occupied with doing any and everything thing from after school tutoring--check your community of options where she can get free tutoring to boost her math/spanish/programming/civics grade-- or community service projects and possibly a Little Lady Mentoring as either a mentor or mentoree, that it would be so difficult (practically impossible) for her to have any time during the week. Then I'd help her find a part time job, 16 is old enough to get a job and contribute to the family or save for her own future!!!

 

3--Dubbing one night a week as family only night.

 

4--Having 2 days a month as mom and daughter day where you guys have a lot of inexpensive fun

 

5--I hope that she'll get the service dog, if not, can adopting or fostering pets be an option. Some disabled kids do amazingly well and make great strides when with animals.

[LucyStoner]

Wow, this sounds like a toughy and I can't pretend to fully understand FASD, however here are some things that I can suggest.

 

Getting rid of contact and minimizing the time that they have together.

1--I would cut off the home phone for about a month and say we couldn't afford a phone at this time. (Or that the handset was broken and you couldn't afford a new one right now).

My 4 year old wouldn't fall for that. Lying to kids like that is toxic to trust and security, quite apart from being transparent and likely futile.

 

Also, she has other kids. Who, along with mom and dad, might like to call people sometimes.

[Susan C.]

Two things I see:

 

1) Do you have a conservatorship over her? (purposely being evasive here..) I have a relative, adult, special needs, will never be independent, in a supervised care home. Two adults in our family have conservatorship over her, and it includes giving permission to marry, and I assume dating/courting. She isn't capable of either, nor interested. But she has the desires and isn't "all there."

 

2) It is standard protocol at the care homes (there is a group of them) to put all females on birth control.

[Orthodox6]

I would try my best never to have dd alone with this boy.  Adult must be present.  My instinct is to cut all contact completely; however, I understand how difficult that could be.  At the least, I would implement immediately a non-negotiable "no touching" rule and require that they sit several feet apart from each other. 

 

I also would cancel the landline phone service and have cell phones only for the adults (which they keep on their selves at all times). 

[jelbe5]

Two things I see:

 

1) Do you have a conservatorship over her? (purposely being evasive here..) I have a relative, adult, special needs, will never be independent, in a supervised care home. Two adults in our family have conservatorship over her, and it includes giving permission to marry, and I assume dating/courting. She isn't capable of either, nor interested. But she has the desires and isn't "all there."

 

2) It is standard protocol at the care homes (there is a group of them) to put all females on birth control.

We have friends who were able to have their developmentally delayed daughter have her tubes tied before she entered a residence for this very reason. This was 20+ years ago.

 

I have been asking my son's doctors if we can take steps in this department, also. Apparently it will be a bigger legal batter today. Now there are "rights". I don't want to deny my son his right to possibly engage in relations (I know this happens in care facilities and residences although I am not happy about that). I just want to make sure he is unable to procreate. As if families with special needs children did not have enough to worry about.

[mathmarm]

My 4 year old wouldn't fall for that. Lying to kids like that is toxic to trust and security, quite apart from being transparent and likely futile.

 

Also, she has other kids. Who, along with mom and dad, might like to call people sometimes.

I wouldn't lie. I'd break/ruin/get rid of the handset. *shrug* Its tougher maybe even uncomfortable/inconvenient since she has multiple kids who may need the phone and since she and her DH have need of the phone, but it is--with the information that I've been presented--a viable option. Probably just not the most desirable. Since the creator of the thread is free to ignore or dismiss any solutions that just wont work for her, I stand by my points of advice.

 

[LucyStoner]

I wouldn't lie. I'd break/ruin/get rid of the handset. *shrug* Its tougher maybe even uncomfortable/inconvenient since she has multiple kids who may need the phone and since she and her DH have need of the phone, but it is--with the information that I've been presented--a viable option. Probably just not the most desirable. Since the creator of the thread is free to ignore or dismiss any solutions that just wont work for her, I stand by my points of advice.

Still as transparent as a pretty clean window.

 

ETA- also you say you wouldn't lie, so you'd actually break the phone. By that logic would you also quit your job so you really couldn't afford the phone since that was one of your suggestions?

[mathmarm]

Still as transparent as a pretty clean window.  

Well, that's for the creator of this thread to decide given her superior understanding of her daughters abilities and nature.

She's free to not use any advice if it is clear to her that it wont work or make the situation that much worse. *shrug*

 

Regardless, I stand by my original tips/advice. Unless I misread something from the creator, I find my suggestions reasonable and I will stand by them. You can do whatever makes you happiest.

[Plink]

No need to lie.

 

Implement a new family rule: We are all working on increasing our productiveness. The phone is unplugged in the basement and the internet is turned off (I'd install locks on both and wear the key) for all but 1 hour per day. Set up your answering machine and e-mail to auto-respond informing everyone of your limited availability.

 

It would be a difficult transition, but it would limit their contact.

[AimeeM]

Here's to praying the service dog is a nice sturdy German Shepherd.

 

Come to think of it, I have one I could lend you :P

[Alte Veste Academy]

Well, I will can all the tomatoes I am going to get for this, LOL, but I would flat out ask the boy's parents to forbid him from seeing her. They are understanding and have been made aware of the extent of your DD's disability? I am just stupefied by that, because I have a hard time understanding why they would want to support the relationship. No way would I allow my one of my kids to pursue a romantic relationship with a child. As you said, and as they should now understand, she is developmentally still a child. Would I allow a friendship? Sure. But something that started the way it did? With obvious flirty behavior? No way, no how. If it were my boy, he would be informed that the relationship was inappropriate and I would deal with that on my end.

 

And honestly? I would not be able to get past how they met. Obviously I do not know the whole story, but what you did say makes me seriously say WHOA! It seems that no good can come from this relationship, and if I am being honest, I personally see allowing the relationship to continue as a reward for your DD's initial rule-breaking by getting on Facebook.

[Twinmom]

Two things I see:

 

1) Do you have a conservatorship over her? (purposely being evasive here..) I have a relative, adult, special needs, will never be independent, in a supervised care home. Two adults in our family have conservatorship over her, and it includes giving permission to marry, and I assume dating/courting. She isn't capable of either, nor interested. But she has the desires and isn't "all there."

 

2) It is standard protocol at the care homes (there is a group of them) to put all females on birth control.

We plan to move heaven and earth to do so by the time she turns 18. On the second option, yep, that's in the plans as well.

[Twinmom]

I also would cancel the landline phone service and have cell phones only for the adults (which they keep on their selves at all times).

Been there, done that, had to put the phone back in. DD will "borrow" any cell phone she comes across to get phone access. With cell phones comes pics, Internet access and lots of other trouble like GPS locators, etc. We put the house phone back in after a lengthy absence so we could ensure that DD not steal, stay safely inside the home while on the phone, not obtain Internet access and so that we could block, track and record calls. It's a crazy life with an FASDer, but she's worth it.

[Twinmom]

Well, I will can all the tomatoes I am going to get for this, LOL, but I would flat out ask the boy's parents to forbid him from seeing her. They are understanding and have been made aware of the extent of your DD's disability? I am just stupefied by that, because I have a hard time understanding why they would want to support the relationship. No way would I allow my one of my kids to pursue a romantic relationship with a child. As you said, and as they should now understand, she is developmentally still a child. Would I allow a friendship? Sure. But something that started the way it did? With obvious flirty behavior? No way, no how. If it were my boy, he would be informed that the relationship was inappropriate and I would deal with that on my end.

 

And honestly? No way, no how would I be able to get past how they met. Obviously I do not know the whole story, but what you did say makes me seriously say WHOA! It seems that no good can come from this relationship, and if I am being honest, I personally see allowing the relationship to continue as a reward for your DD's initial rule-breaking by getting on Facebook.

No problem with your advice...it is sound and logical for a neurotypical child. It is what I would do for any of my other children, as would be removing the phone and forbidding contact. For her, allowing the contact is truly the lesser of two evils. Hard to explain unless you've lived it (Rose could probably chime in), but here's an attempt...you have to understand first that this is the healthiest relationship with a male that she has been able to have so far. Given that previous attempts have brought home smarmy young adults, a sex offender or two as well as one 45 year old, this may make more sense. She is absolutely driven to have a relationship, as she mistakenly believes at this point that it is what other fourteen year olds are doing and what she must do to be "normal."

 

So, we are choosing in this situation to make good use of the caring, supportive parents and to try to coach her through learning what is a healthy relationship while waiting for it to run its inevitable course towards extinction (as all early teen relationships inevitably do!) It is like living in an alternative universe, I swear. It goes against every parenting instinct that I have, but we are convinced that it is truly the best choice right now. She WILL experience a relationship given her drive to do so coupled with her lack of judgement...this is one that I can currently control and try to teach her in the process.

 

Everyone with neurotypical teens, feel free to toss my methods into the garbage can as inappropriate. You can even throw tomatoes at me and I will not even get offended, I promise. ;) FASD is the toughest road I will ever walk down and it turns parenting on its head. It is a brave new world and we are getting through it only with total abandonment to and trust in God, one day at a time.

 

For most of you, please do not follow my parenting path...really, I mean that.

Edited October 13, 2013 by Twinmom

[Twinmom]

No need to lie.

 

Implement a new family rule: We are all working on increasing our productiveness. The phone is unplugged in the basement and the internet is turned off (I'd install locks on both and wear the key) for all but 1 hour per day. Set up your answering machine and e-mail to auto-respond informing everyone of your limited availability.

 

It would be a difficult transition, but it would limit their contact.

There are some kernels here that may work for us...thanks for the idea! Can't do it exactly that way because DH is in IT and works from home and we need the cell phones for managing disabled and sick relatives who are in care (my life is crazy), but I like the overall idea. All or nothing works well with FASDers. They understand black and white and "everybody else is doing it." Hmmm...gotta ponder that a while.

[Alte Veste Academy]

No problem with your advice...it is sound and logical for a neurotypical child. It is what I would do for any of my other children, as would be removing the phone and forbidding contact. For her, allowing the contact is truly the lesser of two evils. Hard to explain unless you've lived it (Rose could probably chime in), but here's an attempt...you have to understand first that this is the healthiest relationship with a male that she has been able to have so far. Given that previous attempts have brought home smarmy young adults, a sex offender or two as well as one 45 year old, this may make more sense. She is absolutely driven to have a relationship, as she mistakenly believes at this point that it is what other fourteen year olds are doing and what she must do to be "normal."

 

So, we are choosing in this situation to make good use of the caring, supportive parents and to try to coach her through learning what is a healthy relationship while waiting for it to run its inevitable course towards extinction (as all early teen relationships inevitably do!) It is like living in an alternative universe, I swear. It goes against every parenting instinct that I have, but we are convinced that it is truly the best choice right now. She WILL experience a relationship given her drive to do so coupled with her lack of judgement...this is one that I can currently control and try to teach her in the process.

 

Everyone with neurotypical teens, feel free to toss my methods into the garbage can as inappropriate. You can even throw tomatoes at me and I will not even get offended, I promise. ;) FASD is the toughest road I will ever walk down and it turns parenting on its head. It is a brave new world and we are getting through it only with total abandonment to and trust in God, one day at a time.

 

For most of you, please do not follow my parenting path...really, I mean that.

I am confused here. I wasn't saying you should forbid her from seeing him. I was saying I think he (developmentally normal, from what I understand?) should be kept (by his own parents, not you) from seeing her. I get that you face a very difficult challenge because she wants to have a relationship so badly. But I personally don't understand how they can be caring, supportive parents of this particular relationship, which is inherently unequal. Frankly, their support for the continuation of the relationship would concern me a great deal, like they say they understand but don't really get the extent of it.

 

I know I can't understand the particular challenges you are facing; I have not been there. It's just that the thread was titled "Best ideas to get rid of a boyfriend." LOL So I thought I would share how I would get rid of him. I didn't quite understand that you really do not want to get rid of him, that you are choosing to keep him around for the experience of it.

[kitten18]

I don't feel qualified to give advice, but my instinct is with those who suggest folding him into your family and smothering him. ;)

 

ETA - *hugs*

[Twinmom]

I am confused here. I wasn't saying you should forbid her from seeing him. I was saying I think he (developmentally normal, from what I understand?) should be kept (by his own parents, not you) from seeing her. I get that you face a very difficult challenge because she wants to have a relationship so badly. But I personally don't understand how they can be caring, supportive parents of this particular relationship, which is inherently unequal. Frankly, their lack of concern about the continuation of the relationship would concern me a great deal, like they say they understand but don't really get the extent of it.

 

I know I can't understand the particular challenges you are facing; I have not been there. It's just that the thread was titled "Best ideas to get rid of a boyfriend." LOL So I thought I would share how I would get rid of him. I didn't quite understand that you really do not want to get rid of him, that you are choosing to keep him around for the experience of it.

That's not exactly the situation...I DO want him gone. I do agree with you about the parents needing to cut this off...I would if I were them. That is actually one of the things I am hoping will bring about the demise of the relationship given a little time...I just told her yesterday, to be fair. The relationship is new. So, yes you are correct that I am using the situation to teach, but I am simultaneously trying as hard as I can to get rid of him. Weird, I know. Like I said, brave new world and really not applicable outside of FASD. I agree with you, really I do.

[Twinmom]

Ya know, sitting here thinking about it, perhaps a better way to explain what I am trying to do from my side of things is to not FORBID the relationship or cut it manually (as in take out the phone, bar the doors, whatever it would take) in the hopes that it will go away on its own given the facts of the situation. I think the mom is sharp enough to help me with this given some time. I am hoping to use the horrible fact that the relationship even exists to teach my disabled young 'un some valuable life skills to bring some redemption out of the situation and let her feel that she has "had a boyfriend like everyone else" while I am working on kicking his rear out the door. I am hoping against hope that some of those life skills will sink in past her brain injury since they are tied to an actual, concrete experience instead of just a theoretical, abstract conversation. Making lemonade out of lemons.

 

Clear as mud, I hope. That's all I've got.

[Anne in CA]

I am just so sorry you are going through this. I also agree with the posters who believe he will run like the devil when he realizes that he cannot easily be alone with her.

 

As far as warning his family that you might prosecute him if they get physical I am concerned. If this was my son, especially given the way the two met, I would have him on house arrest myself to keep him from being a registered sex offender if they have a weak, unsupervised moment. I am worried that the mom is still letting him near her. She may believe that as a retired cop she knows people/ loopholes to keep him from getting in trouble if you do press charges. This is what worries me about this situation the most, actually. If this were my son, he would be NOWHERE near your dd. The fact that they communicate seems to me that she is not taking this situation seriously enough.

 

I know what you mean about the fact that she believes that this is what she needs to do to be "normal". I would do my best to keep her from all media that reinforces those ideas. Media really winds these kids up. One thing that was really helpful for my own oldest who was similar, and also had a boy like this in her life, was plenty of time in nature. Time outside, away from all media was very grounding for her. Lots of camping, lots of hiking, swimming, campfires, ect were very good for my own dd. Although I know it is not the season for it. Maybe some weekend sledding/ skiing trips would keep her occupied. My dd had an hour of PE every day when she was 13, she went to ps high school later, and that hour of exercise was really, really good for her mentally.

[Twinmom]

She (being the mom of said boy) has had another, much older son get pregnant out of wedlock and basically ruin his life. (Private details abound here that I know but cannot share.). There's no nefarious intent on her part, just a sincere desire to see this never happen to her youngest boy. I think she sees us a good influence in his life (part of our plan includes church and youth group attendance with us in tow...we are youth leaders) and so she likes where that part of things is going. There are some shared values and religion here between the moms. In a normal relationship, this would be a good thing. Being that it is NOT normal, I think it will behoove me at this point to spend more time hammering home with her the power differential here. My guess is that she does not fully understand...it is hard to for most people. She did take my initial comments to heart and had an immediate talk with her son about it and about not hurting "that sweet girl."

 

I should see her tomorrow at church (he has to bring her), so I will take the cautionary advice of several posters and talk more fully with her about DD's disability. Frankly, anyone who has read through this thread knows more about it than this woman does...she needs more information than I have yet had time to privately give her.

[Mergath]

I wouldn't lie. I'd break/ruin/get rid of the handset. *shrug* Its tougher maybe even uncomfortable/inconvenient since she has multiple kids who may need the phone and since she and her DH have need of the phone, but it is--with the information that I've been presented--a viable option. Probably just not the most desirable. Since the creator of the thread is free to ignore or dismiss any solutions that just wont work for her, I stand by my points of advice.

 

Generally, if you don't want your child to lie and/or act in a deceitful manner, it's best to avoid lying to them and deceiving them.  Just a little heads up for the future. ;)

[swimmermom3]

My concerns about the boy come from a couple of areas...first, they met on Facebook, which DD has been forbidden from using. Long story as to how she managed to use it, but suffice to say that she has proven extremely creative as to finding ways to get online despite our best efforts (and our efforts are HUGE, given her disability and the fact that my DH is a software engineer!). I've learned that we simply cannot control everything with an FASD kid and it is best to restrict where we can and walk alongside her when we can't.

 

Secondly, this boy played a minor role in some shenanigans which went on via FB regarding sexting with DD. As I mentioned before, this is the point at which we realized she could be talked into anything! He knows what happened with some of his friends and may have participated in some way. He has apologized and "turned over a new leaf," but is still in the dog house as far as I am concerned. I'm willing to forgive, but we are still in the "trust but verify" stage and will probably stay there a long time.

 

Finally, any boy who will hold hands, try to cuddle on the couch with and kiss DD on the nose IN FRONT OF FAMILY MEMBERS (forgive the shouting...) after such an incident and after we have expressed our concerns is highly suspect in my opinion. Not gonna happen here, not with my kids and not with my disabled DD.

 

Make more sense now?

 

I am very surprised at his parents. As the mother of two sons, I would be steering my sons clear of the situation. This is not a reflection on your dd, but on the fact that both young people are hindered by a lack of judgement and experience in this case. If the young man knows of sexting or photo exchanges with your dd and knows that she is lacking in judgement, yet persists in pursuing her, I doubt the sincerity of his motivations. I would look into your legal options, not just for now, but in the future. Keep track of all known contact including your conversations with him and his parents regarding your dd's condition.

 

While I would normally agree with the idea of including the young man in family functions, this is not the case for that.

 

:grouphug:

 

[Catwoman]

Maybe I'm way off the mark here, but are you absolutely certain this is just an average, "normal" (I hate that word!) young man?

 

I only ask because his mom's behavior seems nothing short of odd to me, and I can't help but wonder if there's more to his story than you're being told, and if this young man may have some issues that aren't readily apparent.

 

It seems so strange to me that the guy's mom would, in any way, be encouraging him to have a relationship with your dd, given what she has been told about her.

[Ruby Rose]

Eta nm just read how they met. Bubye!

[Anne in CA]

I don't know what to make of the fact that the mom has had one son with big problems from unmarried s$%, and yet she sees a young girl as a good influence for her other son. I know that you say she likes that you and your dh are youth leaders, but that still just doesn't add up to me. The two of them were involved in S**ting, and I don't see why she is not terrified of your dd. She could take the boy to church ANYWHERE for a good influence if that is what she wanted. The fact that she waited for a pretty girl to lure him to church is... well... I'm just really not sure that this lady adds up is all I am saying.

 

On further reflection I think you are right to make sure she understands that your dd does not have the chance to make normal judgments. If her ds really understands that your dd has a very REAL developmental impairment he may run on his own without your family snuggling him to death. Usually the thought of being seen as romantically involved  with some one who is not "normal" is terrifying to a young person.

 

 

[Laurie]

Maybe I'm way off the mark here, but are you absolutely certain this is just an average, "normal" (I hate that word!) young man?

 

I only ask because his mom's behavior seems nothing short of odd to me, and I can't help but wonder if there's more to his story than you're being told, and if this young man may have some issues that aren't readily apparent.

 

It seems so strange to me that the guy's mom would, in any way, be encouraging him to have a relationship with your dd, given what she has been told about her.

 

I agree!   He may have "issues" or he could even be a sex offender.

 

There was an incident like this at a local high school.  The school has some special ed. students...one female special ed. student was raped in the restroom by another student at the school.  I don't believe the rapist was in the special ed. program.  However, he was already a sex offender and some employees at the school knew this,  but because of privacy rules none of the other families at the school were notified.  (Why anyone would allow a known sex offender to be enrolled in the same school with an autism/special ed program is beyond me.) 

 

I have a special needs teen daughter, too.  I can only see red and red flags when I read your description of the situation. 

[kroe1]

Personally, I would let them talk on the phone as much as they want. Teen boys usually grow tired of babbling teen girls. If they are together, then obviously keep an adult with them at all times. I would offer this advice irrespective of any health issues. Speaking from experience, the more you protest, the closer the two will become. If you are worried about sneaking out or in, put an alarm on the house.

[Tap]

Advice from my ds19 who works with youth....simple and to the point

 

 

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

 

 

LOL 

[Tap]

I wouldn't assume the boy is a sex offender or any other nefarious intentions just because he likes your dd.  Being academically gifted doesn't mean he is more mature, just academically gifted.  It is entirely possible for him to be on her level emotionally or even younger. Keep your eyes open but don't assume what may not be there.

 

I understand you don't want her dating at all..... just don't label him in the process for befriending your dd. 

 

The holding hands and a kiss on the nose don't seem overly sexual to me.  Judging by what kids see on the internet, hear in locker rooms and are exposed to in the halls at school.....he may feel that these are very innocent showings of a boy/girl friendship and not the bold display that is causing so many problems. 

 

There is something about her that he likes.  Sure, she may be immature in some ways, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't really enjoy her company and your family's friendship.  He also may like that by you saying 'no dating' that it takes some the pressure off of the relationship, and is happy to just be extra-good-buddies with her.  

 

I will eventually be in this same situation with dd6 so I do see it with clear eyes, just a different perspective that some people.

 

 

[Twinmom]

Another, probably extreme thought. Are you church-goers? She seems to place a lot of importance on what peers are doing. Can you get her in with a "no sex before marriage", purity group that will make her want to stay away from physical relationships? She might get something from this even if you don't personally follow that philosophy.

Oh, yeah...definitely. We chose to be youth leaders in our church so that we could be there with her and encourage her to be a part of this group. We emphasize abstinence before marriage, for sure, with lots of grace for any who have stumbled. Good place to be.

[Tammyla]

:grouphug: I wonder if you have any legal options?   The facebook stuff and his behavior pushing your boundaries and  comfort around your family is concerning to me.   I would actually speak with a police officer and possibly an attorney and her doctor on how best to protect her. 

 

 

 

Very gently, due to her mental age / development avoiding pregnancy is something to consider before they find a few moments alone. 

[Twinmom]

Advice from my ds19 who works with youth....simple and to the point

 

 

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

 

 

LOL

 

  

 I understand you don't want her dating at all..... just don't label him in the process for befriending your dd. 

 

There is something about her that he likes.  Sure, she may be immature in some ways, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't really enjoy her company and your family's friendship.  He also may like that by you saying 'no dating' that it takes some the pressure off of the relationship, and is happy to just be extra-good-buddies with her.  

 

I will eventually be in this same situation with dd6 so I do see it with clear eyes, just a different perspective that some people.

LOL...your son is a wise young man! As for your second comments...I am certainly hopeful that this is the case and frankly, this is what he has told me. However, as I said in another post...trust but verify. My eyes are wide open here. I'd be happier if he wasn't in contact with her and that she stayed away from all boys at this point, but that's not realistic.

[Twinmom]

:grouphug: I wonder if you have any legal options? The facebook stuff and his behavior pushing your boundaries and comfort around your family is concerning to me. I would actually speak with a police officer and possibly an attorney and her doctor on how best to protect her.

 

 

 

Very gently, due to her mental age / development avoiding pregnancy is something to consider before they find a few moments alone.

I'm with you here...been to the police station already to discuss just that, not in reference to him but to another situation. This is why we are taping her calls. It's a dicey situation and there must be clear proof of intent before they can act.

 

And yes, birth control is in our future.

[Tammyla]

You are such a good mom.  I just  do not like or understand the wait until something awful happens before we can do anything in domestic situations.

I'm with you here...been to the police station already to discuss just that, not in reference to him but to another situation. This is why we are taping her calls. It's a dicey situation and there must be clear proof of intent before they can act.

And yes, birth control is in our future.

 

[texasmama]

Great job approaching a very difficult situation with grace and finesse!  My hat is off to you, mama.

 

I would do the following (nothing here that has not been said previously):

 

1.  Speak very frankly with his parents regarding her vulnerability due to her emotional age, lack of judgment, the risk of teen sex/pregnancy with her, his crossing boundaries, etc.  Ask them to do what they are willing to do to cut off the relationship.

 

2.  Continue to monitor her as you have been and decrease the amount of phone time they are spending together.  Two hours a day is too much, IMO.

 

3.  Get her involved in volunteering at the pet shelter or another activity that will take up time and be worthwhile.  Choose something she would really be interested in.  See if you can find a mentor for her at the organization who will "teach her the ropes" and spend time with her and help engage her in the activity. 

 

4.  Failing all the above measures to discourage teen love, I would invite the boy over for family games of Apples to Apples, Bible Edition.  No sitting on couches watching movies.  No being without direct and constant supervision of you and dh.  Lots of interesting conversation from you and dh.  Lots of younger siblings present.  In fact, invite over younger siblings friends to play Apples to Apples with everyone.  As others have said, channel the Duggars.

[lea_lpz]

I like the idea of putting him to work, if you can pull it off. He might be OK with just hanging out, but if he has to work with (hopefully) no 'pay off', that could be a different story.

My mom did this with my HS boyfriend :)

 

She give him all sorts of projects to do around the house lol

[Twinmom]

Yippeee! The first glimmer of sanity has arisen! He was supposed to go to church with us this morning, meeting us there with his mom. This morning, the story was that he couldn't come because his mom didn't have gas. Uh huh, right. Gas was plentiful when he had to drive across the county to get to our house twice in one week, but not to make it to church which is far closer to his house.

 

He's chatting away with her on the phone like a friend, not a boyfriend, though. Perhaps he has gotten the message after all!

 

Hope is a wonderful thing!

[mom2bee]

Congrats. :laugh:

[jelbe5]

Yippeee! The first glimmer of sanity has arisen! He was supposed to go to church with us this morning, meeting us there with his mom. This morning, the story was that he couldn't come because his mom didn't have gas. Uh huh, right. Gas was plentiful when he had to drive across the county to get to our house twice in one week, but not to make it to church which is far closer to his house.

 

He's chatting away with her on the phone like a friend, not a boyfriend, though. Perhaps he has gotten the message after all!

 

Hope is a wonderful thing!

Maybe you could ask his mom to make him pay for gas himself to come visit, too. With gas prices being what they are it could be a fast deterrent!

[plansrme]

Perhaps he has gotten the message after all!

 

Or perhaps he has moved on to a new girl.  That was actually going to be my suggestion:  encourage the parents to help him find a new girlfriend, one who is more available and more appropriate.  Nothing makes one forget an old love like a new love.

[*Michelle*]

Or perhaps he has moved on to a new girl.  That was actually going to be my suggestion:  encourage the parents to help him find a new girlfriend, one who is more available and more appropriate.  Nothing makes one forget an old love like a new love.

 

I always imagined that Rosaline's parents breathed a sigh of relief when Romeo moved on to Juliet. :)

[Twinmom]

The boy just told her that since he wasn't going to be getting sex from her, their relationship was through and he was talking to another girl. IPads do not allow emoticons, but imagine a shocked face here. Did he really just come right out and say that?! What an answer to prayer! The only way that she possibly could have believed me about him, understood the situation clearly, etc. is if he'd have said it so bluntly. That is the only way it would have gotten through her brain injury.

 

I feel sorry for the boy's mother. He has her completely snowed. At least he is no longer snowing my sweet, vulnerable baby girl! Do you think God would appreciate an "Atta Boy!"?

 

I'm happy, happy, happy! ;)