AimeeM Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I'm going to delete this in a few hours; please do not quote! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Is this the same kid who has issues with sharing? Honestly, the situation you're describing wouldn't be worth any amount of money to me, and I would give the woman 2 weeks notice and be done with the job. If you are not a business person, you should not be doing this kind of work. People will take advantage of you every single time. This mom is taking serious advantage of you, and unless you get a whole lot tougher, it's not going to stop. The problem is that you let her get away with too much right from the start, and she isn't going to like the idea of having to pay you what the job is worth. The job you're doing is worth hundreds of dollars a week!!! Stop short-changing yourself!!! Her divorce and her personal life and her income don't matter at all here. A job is a job, and if she wants you to do it, she has to pay you the going rate -- on time, every week, without fail. And she needs to start doing it next week. It sounds like she's quite adept at misleading you with sob stories, like the actual timing of her divorce, and I wouldn't doubt that she will try to do it again when you confront her. I really think you're in too deep here, and that the best solution is to resign the position. And be sure she knows you're not flexible about the 2 weeks notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I'd not do this job for ANY amount of money - but to be realistic: you can't get a mere babysitter for less than $10 per hour, not to mention a tutor. This woman is taking advantage of you. I agree with Catwoman. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 This arrangement isn't working for me. I can keep her for two more weeks while you find an alternate plan. She's not going to stop taking advantage of you. $10/hr would be barest *minimum* plus real food costs, paid the week ahead or daughter does not come. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 $30 a week. She's using you, sorry. I'm in the midst of a divorce with no child support, I know exactly where every penny of my money is going. There is no way she doesn't realize this is a really great deal for her. You need to sever ties. While the child may be making progress, unless you're a volunteer social worker this is not a productive relationship. It's okay to admit this isn't working out. I would put it in writing, be blunt and spell out the final day. Then when you had her the letter smile and be nice, but tell her it isn't working out. Give two weeks notice and take no other excuses, no promises, no "once this gets worked out" excuses. Be bold, be firm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Honestly, the situation you're describing wouldn't be worth any amount of money to me, and I would give the woman 2 weeks notice and be done with the job. If you are not a business person, you should not be doing this kind of work. People will take advantage of you every single time. This mom is taking serious advantage of you, and unless you get a whole lot tougher, it's not going to stop. This. Don't be a doormat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 If I ever got ONE NIGHT of babysitting for 30 dollars, I thought that was good. You are doing more than full time childcare plus tutoring plus food? That's crazy. You need to give the woman 2 weeks notice. This kind of situation will likely end badly. Better end badly now rather than end badly later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6wildhorses Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Helping someone out is one thing, but doing all that for $30 a week is taking advantage of you and your time. If she can't afford to pay you any kind of reasonable fee, then she needs to look at public school. I would give 2 weeks notice that the agreement simply isn't working out. If you still want to do it, then work out a new written agreement that you would be happy with. I would show the cost of food in the agreement as a separate charge. Do not compromise once you've done this. Give her the new agreement with a big smile, telling her how much you have enjoyed working with her daughter. Let her take it home and look it over. If she can't agree to it, then she will find a new situation. If this is a priority to her and her almost ex, then they will make it happen. Don't act like you're doing something terrible because you aren't. Just be very matter of fact. I can't imagine expecting anyone to do all that for my child for $30 a week, no matter my life situation. If you're worried about the girl, you can offer to do before or after school care for a set hourly rate that includes the cost of food. If you agree to help with homework instead of just having her hang out, then you should charge more. Good luck! Setting new boundaries can be difficult. The key is to not make excuses. Just explain your new terms, your end date if she can't meet them, and then let it go. Or if you want completely out of the situation, tell her it simply isn't working out for your family and give an end date. Don't let it get emotional and don't get drawn into her life drama or it may get very messy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
6wildhorses Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 If you want to get an idea of the going rates in your area for tutoring check wyzant.com or google your city and tutoring. The rates vary based on experience and background. Check after school programs in your area for the going rates for child care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Well, private school tuition for a school-age child from 8:00-3:00 with extended day/homework help would be about 1,000/month here-and that's the low end. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Is homeschooling someone else's child legal in your state? Maybe it could be a way out... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I remember doing something similar--undercharging because I felt bad for the mom and the child. Value yourself and your time more highly. "I'm so sorry to have to tell you this, but after (2 weeks from today), I won't be able to tutor or babysit "Sally." She's making really good progress, and I will write up an evaluation so that her new teacher will be able to see what she's done and place her correctly. Thanks for trusting me with her." (BUT WHY CAN'T YOU? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? dramadramadrama) "It's just not a good fit for me now. I think she's made enough progress to do well with (public school, if that's the only option)..." (OH NO! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME? WHY DID YOU TAKE THE JOB IF YOU COULDN'T DO IT FOR A YEAR? YOU ARE RENIGING ON A PROMISE! YOU"VE PUT ME IN A TERRIBLE POSITION? blamingshamingmoredramamoredrama) "Your daughter is lovely, but I know how hard it is for you to hold up your end of the monetary agreement. I'm sorry, but I can't continue to charge you a rate that is unfair to me. I don't see your situation changing in the next week, as you agreed, so I will have to terminate." (Continued ranting possible, tears possible....) Steel yourself. It will be hard. BUT REMEMBER You are not doing anything wrong by terminating. It's not your fault she can't afford the kind of care she wants. I see this all the time with people wanting a nanny, but only being able to afford a day care center. It's the way it is. You are not a social worker. It is impacting you negatively. You have a right to be paid what you are worth. You need to model that for the girl, for yourself, and for your kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 When all else fails, say your dh is making you quit. :D I wouldn't normally recommend that, but if you have that much trouble with confrontation, pass the buck and pass the blame. Gosh, you're sorry about it, but you dh says the arrangement is taking up too much of your time and he is adamant that you give her 2 weeks notice... and you think he's right and that it is for the best that she find someone else to care for her child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 Is homeschooling someone else's child legal in your state? Maybe it could be a way out... It isn't illegal. I did check that. It isn't spelled out at all. Since it's only one child, child care laws also do not apply (in that I would need to have my home "certified" to keep more than one extra child). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 You are allowing this woman to tie up time that you could be getting paid for. There are other people with child care needs that will pay a fair rate. You'd earn more per week for less work doing before/after care for local school students. Write it all down and SHOW her the numbers. I teach a class in my home. If I don't earn $45 for the hour due to under-enrollment, that class doesn't happen. I won't work for $30 an hour and that's just a dance class for hobbyists. What you're doing is imminently more valuable and important. HAVE the conversation. It may be uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as working for nearly nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RanchGirl Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I haven't read your other posts. This is not something I would ever consider doing, but it sounds like you are saying it is working for you and your family and for the child except for the $$ part. If that is an accurate understanding, then I would say to the mom that you need to renegotiate the terms and increase the $$. Say what you are seeing as positives (You're really happy with little girl's progress, she's a good fit for your family, you enjoy their friendship, etc.) but you underestimated the costs and time involved, and XXX is a fair price. I wouldn't give specifics about the food or the divorce or anything she can argue with, just be clear that this is what is required in order to make this a viable arrangement for you. Or I misunderstood and you don't want to do it or need the money, give 2-4 weeks notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammi K Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 This won't solve your overall problem, but in the meantime, how about a 'supervised kitchen policy.' I understand that you want your children to have access to food due to their low weight issues. But, it sounds like your student is eating way more than her share. What if you made a supervised food time every two hours? (Breakfast at 8, snack at 10, lunch at noon, snack at 2, etc) This would give your kids plenty of opportunity for the food then need, but would enable you to say, "Okay, snack time is over now, you've had enough to keep you going" to the guest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 You could make snack boxes with a set number of snacks available and maybe even ask the mom to send snacks to fill her DD's box. If it were me and my heart told me to care for the child for the child's sake, I would. But, I have done this in the past and I know it is hard. If you are feeling resentful and can't overcome that then it's time to stop because the child will eventually sense the conflict. I think this little girl probably needs a lot of help- learning how to interact with other kids, learning her schoolwork, learning how not to take more than she needs. You need to treat her as a blank slate. She doesn't know the basics that you have taught your own children from an early age so you must gently guide her. If she is with you for the majority of her waking hours, begin raising her as if she were your own with regard to behavior and the corrections you give. Right now you are giving her all the privileges of being your child with none of the responsibilities. She's going to get a very skewed idea of how the world works if that situation continues. She's a child who has been handed off to you, not royalty. KWIM? ETA: Despite the fact that I was totally inexperienced as a parent at the time the child we helped still talks about his time with us fondly and tells others about it. He made lots of choices that we wouldn't have wished him to and our time of influence was brief, but it left a lasting impression. If things had not gone that way, maybe I would advise to cut your losses. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 1, 2013 Author Share Posted October 1, 2013 ..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I'm in the camp that wouldn't do this for any amount of money, that being said I would also pull the I'm blaming my husband card if you cannot find a way to do it on your own. You can also tell her that you are not getting adequate time for your own kids while taking care of hers. If she could pay you an amount that you feel adequate would you really want to continue? Or do you just want to continue out of feeling guilty? If it is really just about the money then I'd tell her that you are sorry but you cannot continue without increasing fees. Also, if this continues I definitely agree w/ separate snack boxes. You don't have to close the kitchen you can just direct her to her own snack box if she wants something between meals, that is not horribly cruel. She has different needs than your child and it is no different than in school where different parents send their kids food. I'd serve meals together though just to make it easier on myself and no I wouldn't feel bad that she was eating different snacks, or you could have Mom pack her lunch as well. This could be a nice compromise w/ increasing the fee with Mom. If Mom switches to providing her snacks and meals then you will double your take home pay. If Mom is providing more food(all the food) than you do not need as much extra money and Mom might be more agreeable- if that is desired but you need to decide what outcome you really want first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Ok even $100 is not enough money. I would think at least 300 a week plus food. Really 300 is low. So what if you are not a certified teacher. Most private school teachers are not certified. The swankiest (30K/year) schools in my area make a point of not wanting "certified" teachers. The independent school thing to get people who love their subject and teach based on their love of the subject not on the basis of their understand current education research. Anyway, essentially you are a private school you don't need to be certified. You need to get out of this now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Part of the reason the doctor wants unlimited access, especially for my son (almost 4.5 years old), is that he doesn't eat entire meals. ... Has the doctor discussed using any type of supplemental beverage (i.e. Ensure, etc.) or adding protein powder to something? MCT oil, protein powder, double packets of instant breakfast... were all things that were suggested for us with DS was underweight. (He actually had a diary allergy so the instant breakfast was out!) The snack boxes sound like a great idea. The only thing I'm unsure of - if she has something different in hers (and Nico's food is generally as high protein and fatty as we can get it - whereas, my additional student is a bit overweight), she WILL get upset and start asking for "what he has". This is where the treating her as your own would come into play, if your own child wanted what another had despite having different physical needs, how would you handle it? This is an opportunity to teach her about her body and it's needs, that fair is different than identical, and compassion for someone with other needs. But again, I totally understand if you are not able to carry on- raising our own children is enough of a challenge! And, when it is someone else's child your rules are never as solid as they are with your own kids. There will always be some conflict with the parent who is the actual authority. Plus, you have to tread carefully in order to not usurp or 'show up' the parent. (Or at least I struggled with these thoughts.) So I am not saying you should do this, just that if you really feel the call to- you can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Tabulate your costs and the hours she is there and a sample day's cost for the food she eats, etc. Get it all down on paper so you are comfortable with the break down. Have your dh pretend to be her and explain it to him. Then show it to her and explain all the good things about continuing the arrangement, but that if she can't accommodate the actual cost you have to end the relationship. Perhaps you can give an overview and then send it home with her so she doesn't feel put on the spot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xixstar Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 Hmm, since it sounds like you'd like to have the girl continue since things are improving. I would simply let her mom know that know that you've had time to see the true scope of what is involved and the additional grocery cost the rate will increase to $x in 2 weeks time and that she will need to send an additional $Y to cover food/snacks or send X amount of appropriate foods/snacks for her dd. Honestly, I'd build it into my fee because I wouldn't want the food battles of having different foods available or not available - but it does provide another options (honestly, no way would i suggest the mom bring extra snacks because I'm fussy about what is allowed as snacks in our house). Also - if she mom can't pay, then she needs to find other arrangements. But I also know that when push comes to shove, people will pay for what they value and it sounds like she values her daughter's time with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted October 1, 2013 Share Posted October 1, 2013 I am also in the camp of not not wanting to do this at all. If I agreed though, I would make the mother provide all snacks and juice boxes. That may sound unkind, but it would probably be what would have to work as a middle ground for me. Send snacks, lunch, everything. If that doesn't work for the mother I would treat it as a separate fee on top of what she is paying you. I'm sorry you are in this situation. I hate confrontation and would also feel torn since you really like the mom and child. We live on a tight budget though, so getting eaten out of house and home everyday wouldn't work for me at all. It would cause me a lot of stress actually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 :grouphug: Sounds like you already know what you need to do. Just adding my encouragement to stay strong! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Has the doctor discussed using any type of supplemental beverage (i.e. Ensure, etc.) or adding protein powder to something? MCT oil, protein powder, double packets of instant breakfast... were all things that were suggested for us with DS was underweight. (He actually had a diary allergy so the instant breakfast was out!) This is where the treating her as your own would come into play, if your own child wanted what another had despite having different physical needs, how would you handle it? This is an opportunity to teach her about her body and it's needs, that fair is different than identical, and compassion for someone with other needs. But again, I totally understand if you are not able to carry on- raising our own children is enough of a challenge! And, when it is someone else's child your rules are never as solid as they are with your own kids. There will always be some conflict with the parent who is the actual authority. Plus, you have to tread carefully in order to not usurp or 'show up' the parent. (Or at least I struggled with these thoughts.) So I am not saying you should do this, just that if you really feel the call to- you can. ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoppeltGemoppelt Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I've read through the posts and feel that there were many good suggestions for you. Another idea when it comes to food may be to have the mom provide everyone's food one or two days out of the week, including breakfast, lunch and snacks for your kids. Since yours are on a special diet, give mom a list of approved foods. I have seen this done by parents in an all natural coop preschool. They all took turns providing the food. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Um_2_4 Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I was going to do something similar(teach 2 girls) this year, but it did not pan out and I was going to charge more than that (and they were to provide food and pay for books needed). I would approach her, that this went from "supervising" to full on teaching. That plus food issues (wanting what other kids had, eating more ...etc) would call for a change in terms. Snack boxes are a good idea. I mean in my KG class, all the kids had different lunches and NO trading allowed. We ate as a class at 1 table (I sat with them) and we did have some kids with different nutritional needs (no allergies, just some overweight/underweight/constipation issues, etc.). If this girl were in school, no way she could throw this sort of fit. You never know your DS might like having his own "snack box" (mine all have a lunch box for snacks for outings and it seems they are more likely to eat what is in it LOL). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 My husband would readily take the blame. He doesn't want to see me stressed out. This is also impacting the house in general - my eldest doesn't get along with the child and hides in her room or becomes mama-bear with her little brothers as soon as she's home from school. .... but I kind of really want to make it work :( She really is sweet. I'm sorry, but from everything you have posted about the situation, the mother, and the child, I cannot for the life of me, figure out why you "want to make it work." :confused: It's not working. It's not working from a financial standpoint in a really big way, but even more importantly, the kid won't share with your 4yo and your older dd can't stand her. It sounds like the only person who thinks she's "sweet" is you. (She sounds kinda bratty to me, although my opinion doesn't matter -- but your own dd's feelings should be a major consideration.) Unless you're really desperate for money, I can't imagine why you wouldn't RUN away from this situation. It just doesn't make sense to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Off your original topic, but when my child had food issues, we were seen by a nutritionist and could have taken it the next step to feeding therapy. Our root cause was severe food allergies, but if you are looking at sensory or other food issues I think feeding therapy might be beneficial. I know how incredibly stressful it can be to face the scale's at your child's check-up knowing you've done all you can and it isn't working. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacqueline Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I guess I have a bit of a different response than the first few posters. It sounds like you want to make it work and really care for this girl. I would tell the mom that in 2 weeks time she needs to make x payment and if she doesn't you will not continue this. It can go either way, it may work or it may not. I'd give it a shot since you sound like you want to do it (as long as I read that right). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 I'm sorry, but from everything you have posted about the situation, the mother, and the child, I cannot for the life of me, figure out why you "want to make it work." :confused: It's not working. It's not working from a financial standpoint in a really big way, but even more importantly, the kid won't share with your 4yo and your older dd can't stand her. It sounds like the only person who thinks she's "sweet" is you. (She sounds kinda bratty to me, although my opinion doesn't matter -- but your own dd's feelings should be a major consideration.) Unless you're really desperate for money, I can't imagine why you wouldn't RUN away from this situation. It just doesn't make sense to me. .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 I'm deleting the original post now; I'll leave up the replies until tomorrow. Thank you so much everyone! Please do continue to offer any advice you can, assuming you've read the original post. I'll take everything I can get :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AmyontheFarm Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 removed quote Will your eldest resent you in the long run, if you allow this child to stay? Sweet or not, your were sent to be a Mama to your children, not to this child. She has to go. Are you wanting to keep her because it fills a need inside of you to mother another child? If your husband wants this to be changed, then do it. Let him be there when you tell the mother. If fact, it would be best if he was there! Give her two weeks notice and honestly don't expect to be paid anything after you tell her. Be prepared for moodiness from the child and whining about why she has to leave, etc. Sweet or not, I really feel she needs to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Will your eldest resent you in the long run, if you allow this child to stay? Sweet or not, your were sent to be a Mama to your children, not to this child. She has to go. Are you wanting to keep her because it fills a need inside of you to mother another child? If your husband wants this to be changed, then do it. Let him be there when you tell the mother. If fact, it would be best if he was there! Give her two weeks notice and honestly don't expect to be paid anything after you tell her. Be prepared for moodiness from the child and whining about why she has to leave, etc. Sweet or not, I really feel she needs to go. I know :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Awww. You have a kind heart, AimeeM. Many hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 You have such a kind heart, but this mom cannot afford private tutoring and daycare. There's a public school nearby and her dd needs to be there. Your own dd might not get along with this little girl, but it could turn more ugly than that- she likely knows you're doing this to help pay her tuition so she might feel guilty that you have to take on such a huge burden in order to provide for her schooling. So your own dd's feelings could get all jumbled up about the situation, etc. An alternative might be for you to provide the after school care, which could include a snack and homework tutoring/enrichment. Does she live in your district so the girl could ride the bus to your house after school? Your dh is trying to protect you and your kids- he likely sees beyond the money and knows this job is overworking you. Hope you can work this out- the girl sounds like she's thriving under your care. But the mom is taking advantage of you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readwithem Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 I may have missed something (I read your original post yesterday, just didn't have time to comment) but I think it would be a win win if the girl goes to school and you can help her after school. I would still charge a fair price, you would just have her a few hours and not during the breakfast hour. Hugs to you for wanting to help her!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Mom won't send her to school, I'm fairly certain. I suggested our state's free Calvert program, because they offer Verticy (the child is dyslexic, according to both her and Mom, and I might tend to agree, just from what I've seen), and I wasn't sure she could afford the materials I need ordered for the child, after assessing her, but Mom said she tried it (state's free Calvert/Verticy) and it's too much work for dd. If she leaves me, she'll find someone to do it for less than $100 a week, and the child will be thrown back on T4L (which wasn't working well for her). As much as you are concerned for the girl, you are not responsible for what happens. You are responsible first to yourself and your family. You can make suggestions as to what directions the mom should take if she chooses to not to continue with you. That's it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Gently - You are not required to save this child. You are not her parent. She will be fine without you. It seems to fill some need in you to take care of her, and that is fine, but it really doesn't sound like it is working for anyone in your family other than you. It is time to do a lot of introspection. Either you need to make it work for everyone, or you need to let it go. The money seems to be only one of many problems in this situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethB Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 :grouphug: How old is the girl? Is she old enough for my phonics lessons? If you do decide to stop the arrangement, I would look at better than time4learning alternatives that she can use and get her started on them, used to using them, and get a schedule set up to pass along to mom. My phonics lessons, through the phonics barrier (don potter free audio and a free written portion) Kahn Academy, etc. if you decide to go this route, I would set up a post for ideas specific to her age and challenges. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 2, 2013 Share Posted October 2, 2013 Mom won't send her to school, I'm fairly certain. I suggested our state's free Calvert program, because they offer Verticy (the child is dyslexic, according to both her and Mom, and I might tend to agree, just from what I've seen), and I wasn't sure she could afford the materials I need ordered for the child, after assessing her, but Mom said she tried it (state's free Calvert/Verticy) and it's too much work for dd. If she leaves me, she'll find someone to do it for less than $100 a week, and the child will be thrown back on T4L (which wasn't working well for her). No, she won't. No one else will provide that level of care for $100 per week. They just won't. But that's not your problem. As others have said, the girl is not your dd. You are behaving as though she is. The mom is not your sister, but again, you're acting like she is when you let her sit and talk with you every day after work. You are neglecting your own family in favor of this woman and her child. And I know this is going to sound mean, but if you miss teaching an older child so much that you're willing to sacrifice both money and your own children's happiness in order to keep this girl in you our home, you are being incredibly selfish. It seems as though you may have developed a somewhat unhealthy attachment to both the child and the mom, rather than realizing that this is a business arrangement. Being kind to the child and acting sort of like she is your new daughter are two entirely different things, and I am concerned that you seem to be leaning toward the latter instead of the former. You are obviously a very sweet and kind person, but I think you are letting your emotions (and your personal desire to keep this child in your home as sort of a replacement dd while yours is in school all day) override your common sense in this situation. Listen to your dh. Quit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted October 2, 2013 Author Share Posted October 2, 2013 Whoa. I barely know the child. I've had her for a whole month. I feel incredibly bad about the woman's situation. Trust me when I say, though, that she is no replacement daughter. She is nothing like my own daughter and, frankly, I do not want to do childcare. I feel resentful that I am providing the level of care and not being paid anywhere near what that is worth. I have received wonderful advice about how to handle it and I plan to implement more than one of the suggestions. I do CARE about what happens to the girl. Just as I would any child I happened across who is going through what she is going through and isn't being educated properly otherwise (throwing a kid on T4L is not appropriate, especially with no direct supervision to speak of). You ARE right in that I've let my emotions get in the way - but not for the reasons you think. I do miss teaching an older child, but not having one around all day :) The relationship I have now with my daughter, is ridiculously better than it was when she was at home. I was looking forward to having this time with my younger boys - alone. Which is why when this evolved, I started getting somewhat anxious, and when I realized their financial situation wasn't going to resolve ANY time soon, I came here to ask what I should do. My emotional involvement is pretty limited to feeling badly for the family in the situation they are in, and being worried about the child after she leaves. Yes, I also care about Mom. I would care about anybody, especially in the situation she's facing now. Yes, I realize it isn't my issue, but neither is any number of things we (as people) involve ourselves in daily. I can see a train wreck coming. Oh, and my own lack of skills regarding confrontations. <---- I should have known better for that reason alone. The very THOUGHT of talking to mom, which I know I have to do, makes me sweat and feel nauseated. I can't imagine HOW to say this. In between "you're so wonderful Aimee!" and "you're such a gem - I can't believe her progress; you're amazing!"? I mean, how does one say what I need to say, knowing the result? "I'm glad you think I'm great - you need to pay me like I'm great or leave?". Problem? I think that might be part of the issue - she makes darn sure that she tells me how invaluable I am, and after reading the replies to his post, I'm fairly sure it's just to ensure her daughter's status here stays the same. I know, I know, I don't need to say it using the words I used above. It's just that no matter what words I use, it seems to sound that way to me, lol. I feel sick over this. Not because I'm that attached to the child or mom, but because I feel bad for them, I feel like I'm putting Mom in a horrible spot, I feel taken advantage of, AND I am horrible with confrontation. I do especially like the suggestion that I have Tony with me when discussing it. No, she won't.No one else will provide that level of care for $100 per week. They just won't.But that's not your problem. As others have said, the girl is not your dd. You are behaving as though she is. The mom is not your sister, but again, you're acting like she is when you let her sit and talk with you every day after work. You are neglecting your own family in favor of this woman and her child.And I know this is going to sound mean, but if you miss teaching an older child so much that you're willing to sacrifice both money and your own children's happiness in order to keep this girl in you our home, you are being incredibly selfish.It seems as though you may have developed a somewhat unhealthy attachment to both the child and the mom, rather than realizing that this is a business arrangement. Being kind to the child and acting sort of like she is your new daughter are two entirely different things, and I am concerned that you seem to be leaning toward the latter instead of the former.You are obviously a very sweet and kind person, but I think you are letting your emotions (and your personal desire to keep this child in your home as sort of a replacement dd while yours is in school all day) override your common sense in this situation.Listen to your dh. Quit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.